After many years of bickering, infidelities, and general unhappiness and upset with each other, Jack and Miranda decided to divorce. To their credit, they are seeing me to make sure their kids are alright.They have no interest in reconciling. They have even less interest in talking about anything except the kids. But despite their inability to make their marriage work, they are both concerned and loving parents of Jason, age 11, and Brittany, age 8.
“I think the kids are mostly relieved,” says Miranda. “Jason has been asking me for years why we don’t just get a divorce.”
“I don’t know,” says Jack. “Jason may tell you that. But Brittany tells me she wishes you would stop bugging me.
“That’s because you spoil her rotten.”
Here we go. Despite their best intentions, these two can’t get to sentence three without finding a reason to fight. It’s my job to keep the emotional temperatures down, to keep blame and shame out of the room, and to instead focus on determining what the kids need and how to support them.Are the kids really alright? Maybe. Here are 4 things I ask divorcing parents to look for and an idea or two for how to deal with each one. Of course, it sometimes takes family counseling. As well as learn some post-divorce parenting tips to settle things down.
4 indicators that the kids may not be as alright as you think:
Number 1. Are the kids siding with one or the other parent?
In the case of Jack and Miranda, their son is protecting his mother. The daughter is dad’s miniature lawyer.
Both parents need to reassure their kids that the divorce is adult business, that they don’t need the kids to intercede, and that the kids can focus on being kids. The children need both parents to encourage them to not take sides and to have a loving relationship with the other parent.
Number 2: Are the kids clinging to each other more?
Sometimes kids lose faith in their parents’ ability to care for them emotionally or even physically. It’s wonderful when siblings can be friends. But, It’s concerning when they turn exclusively to each other for support and help.
Brittany has been going to Jason for comfort, for companionship, and for practical help. She asks him to help her make her lunch for school. She asks him to help her with her homework. It’s crossed the line from good big-brother behavior to Jason becoming more like a third parent. Jason needs to be let off the hook. Brittany really wants her parents to pay more attention to her needs. Mom and Dad can suggest Brittany makes her lunch with one of them. They can tell Jason he has enough of his own homework and they’re happy to help Brittany.
Number 3: Are the kids hanging around the house more and refusing to go places like a friend’s house or a birthday party?
Sometimes children have the idea that if they’re around, their parents won’t fight. They stay close to home to keep things stable.
For example, Brittany goes to playdates, but Jason hasn’t wanted to do much lately. He’s the kind of kid who worries a lot about keeping things peaceful at home. It would help if Jason’s parents told him they appreciate him caring, but they’re working on ways to stop fighting on their own. They could say they hired a counselor to help them, so Jason doesn’t have to worry anymore. Once his parents find new ways to deal with their problems, Jason might believe things will be okay again.
Finally, number 4: Is there a change in how the kids are performing in school or in other activities?
Both over and under achieving sometimes indicate a problem. Some kids try really hard to do everything perfectly to ease their parents’ stress. Some feel like they caused the breakup and try to make up for it by being extra good. Others think being perfect will make things better for mom or dad.
On the other hand, some kids lose interest in school or activities. They might stop hanging out with friends or going to scouts or soccer practice. Sometimes this is because they’re feeling depressed. Other times, it’s a way to shift the focus from their parents’ arguments to their own problems. A counselor can help figure out if the kids’ behavior is related to the divorce and how to help them get back to feeling normal.
Telling the kids to try harder or to take it easy on themselves might not work. They need to see their parents handling things better and being less angry with each other before they can change.
Kids, especially those under 12 or 13, often reflect their parents’ behavior. When parents handle the divorce well, kids are more likely to be okay and feel more protected by their parents. Studies show that how well parents handle the divorce directly affects how well their kids cope.
For the kids to be alright, the adults need to remember that whatever their differences, their struggles, or their feelings about each other, their kids need them whenever possible to act as a team in being responsive and responsible parents.
by Marie Hartwell-Walker