Helping Grandkids Survive Divorce

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In the weeks after his parents filed for divorce, one 3-year-old boy bombarded his paternal grandparents with invitations to visit his house. It was a tricky situation. They wondered if their son would view an appearance at his ex-wife’s house as disloyal. They questioned if their daughter-in-law would even feel comfortable seeing them so soon after the breakup.

On the other hand, their grandson was reaching out to them. Would he feel abandoned and unloved if they didn’t make a point to honor his request? The couple hemmed and hawed before ultimately deciding to go to their grandson. Rather than enter into his home, though, they picked him up and took him to a nearby playground.

If your adult child is getting divorced, grandparenting is about to get a lot more complicated. Suddenly it’s no longer just about building sandcastles with your grandchild, scarfing down ice cream, and letting him stay up past bedtime to catch the tail-end of his favorite Disney movie. Now, there are the feelings of four different groups to consider: the other grandparents, your child, your child’s ex-spouse, and your grandchild.

Your place, your grandchild’s safe haven

After your child’s divorce is announced, your home and the time you spend with your grandchildren should remain as similar to pre-divorce visits as you can manage, says Lillian Carson, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and grandmother of 10 who wrote “The Essential Grandparents” Guide to Divorce: Making a Difference in the Family” (Health Communications). “Time with grandparents can be a relief for grandchildren who may be caught in the middle of two parents. Your home should be a neutral zone.” Keep the focus on your growing relationship with your grandchildren, not their parents’ disintegrating one.

When they confide in you

Don’t be surprised if the stability of your home encourages your grandchildren to share feelings they are unable to express to their parents for fear that they will be taking sides. Sure, when your adult child is going through a divorce, it’s the main topic of conversation. You talk about it with your spouse. You talk about it with your best friend. You talk about it with your child. But, be careful not to spend all of the time you have with your grandchildren delving into their feelings about the divorce. “Don’t try to be your grandchild’s therapist,” advises Carson. “That’s not your job.”

Only when your grandchildren mention the divorce, should you address it with them, she says. If they mention it, be an attentive listener and offer your love and empathy. Chances are you may be feeling emotions similar to theirs: anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety. Both your grandchildren and you are involved in a difficult situation that was not your choice to enter into.

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Dating after Divorce : The Basics

Dating after divorce with children - 2houses

Dating after divorce – even the words fill some divorced parents with dread. The idea of getting back into the dating scene after years being married is daunting at best. But, we humans are instinctively drawn to partnering up. So chances are very good that sooner or later you (along with nearly every other divorced parent) will be dipping your toe into the waters of dating after divorce.

There are many things to consider when making the choice to begin dating after your divorce. Here are a few of the questions that parents ask:

Regarding your children

How do I explain my dating to my children? What you say to your children when you begin dating after your divorce will depend largely on their age. If you need a reminder about what to expect at each developmental stage have a look here

When talking with young children (infants and toddlers) describe the person you are seeing as a friend. For example, “I’m going to see a friend. I’ll be back soon.”

With preschoolers (ages 3-5) still describe the person you will be going out with as as friend. For example, “I’m going to see my friend. I’ll be gone for about 4 hours. You’ll be in bed when I get home.”

With school-age children (6-10) you can begin to provide more information. You will likely want to have a more in-depth conversation about dating. For example, “I’m going to have dinner with a man/woman that I met at work. We’re going to talk for a few hours after dinner and then I’ll be home. Just as you like to spend time with your special friends, I also want some time to be with my friends.”

With pre-teens and young teens (11-14) you can broach the topic of dating after the divorce. It’s OK to actually use the word date. You aren’t going to freak out your child. Chances are good that he or she already has a good idea of what dating is all about! And this includes dating after divorce. For example, “I’m going out on a date with (person’s name) on Friday. I’m wondering how you feel about me starting to date.” Note: This does not mean that you are asking your child’s permission to date. That isn’t appropriate nor healthy for your child. You are simply initiating discussion that is likely to be ongoing. This is a good time to reassure your child that even though you are beginning to go out on dates, you will still always reserve time for just the two of you.

With teens (15-20) it is important to be honest about your actions…

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Stop buying sports drinks and protein bars – Try handmade instead

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In a rather sad and ironic state of affairs, individuals exercising to improve health and fitness often fall into the trap of neon colored sport drinks and sugary protein bars with questionable ingredients – believing these products support ultimate vitality and strength.

Unfortunately, these ‘foods’ compromise true health and also tend to rack up a hefty grocery bill. But making your own at home is far easier than you might imagine and affordable to boot.

Sports drinks

The Chicago Tribune article, “Sports drinks: How to make your own” offers several simple, inexpensive recipes for recovery drinks. According to registered dietitian Dawn Jackson Blatner, refueling beverages need three elements: water, electrolytes and carbohydrates. Just make sure to use purified water, organic ingredients and high quality Himalayan or Celtic sea salt for maximum nutritional benefit.

Organic Sports Drink from Kitchen Table Medicine
– Organic fruit juice
– Water or green tea
– Organic sea salt
Fill sports bottle with half juice and half water. Add a pinch of sea salt and shake.

Delicious and nutrient dense energy bars

Now onto the protein bars. Here we can really get creative. Anna Sward of Protein Pow(d)er offers the following recommendations and recipes:

“For each recipe below, bind the powder, flour and other ingredients with milk [coconut, almond or hemp varieties are heathy choices]. You can also use a nut butter. The goal is to have a batter that comes together like a dough which can be easily formed into bars. Next, melt 90-100 percent dark chocolate over low heat — enough to coat the bars, about 40 grams. Once coated, place the bars in the freezer for at least 30 minutes.”

Again, organic ingredients are recommended.

Surprise Almond and Vanilla Protein Bars
– 4 small cooked beets
– 1 cup vanilla protein powder
– 1/2 cup coconut flour
– 1/2 cup cup nondairy milk substitute
– 2 tbsp organic almond butter (peanut, pumpkin or hemp butter works as well)

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How to Keep Your Kids Safe on Facebook

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Boasting 500 million users worldwide and still growing, Facebook is now ubiquitous. Because of its popularity, minors have jumped onto the social media bandwagon, too, and they use networking the same way adults do–to share pictures, connect with friends, organize events, and play social games. And that can be a problem.

For the most part, Facebook provides a fun and safe way for users of all ages to communicate with their pals. But because kids and teens are, well, kids and teens, they’re the ones most at risk of falling victim to the dangers of Facebook.

With a bit of strategic parental guidance, you can educate your kids about the potential hazards of social media and give them the tools they need to protect themselves from online predators, guard their personal information, preserve their online reputation, and avoid suspicious downloads that could harm your PC.

Facebook and Kids

An iStrategyLabs study documents the growth rates of Facebook profiles in the United States based on age, gender, location, education level, and interests. The study shows that from January 2009 to January 2010, the 13-to-17-year-old age group grew about 88 percent in the U.S., jumping from about 5.7 million teenage Facebook users to almost 10.7 million. Those figures, of course, don’t include minors who lied about their age upon creating their profile.

Despite a legal requirement that kids must be 13 or older to sign up for Facebook, many younger children are using the service. Because no perfect age-verification system exists, younger kids are able to slip by unnoticed through falsifying their age. (For instance, I have one friend whose 12-year-old daughter listed her birth year as 1991 on Facebook, thereby claiming that she was 19 years old.)

The safety and public-policy teams at Facebook are aware of their young audience, and the site has rolled out privacy settings specifically for the under-18 set. Users between the ages of 13 and 17 get what Facebook’s privacy policy calls a “slightly different experience.” Minors do not have public search listings created for them when they sign up for Facebook, meaning their accounts cannot be found on general search engines outside of Facebook.

The “Everyone” setting is not quite as open for minors as it is for adults. If a minor’s privacy settings are set to “Everyone,” that includes only friends, friends of friends, and people within the child’s verified school or work network. However, the “Everyone” setting still allows adults to search for minors by name and send them friend requests (and vice versa), unless the account owner manually changes that. Also, only people within a minor’s “Friends of Friends” network can message them.

Facebook recently premiered a new location-based service called Places, which has some restrictions for minors as well. Minors can share their location through Places only with people on their Friends lists, even if their privacy settings are set to “Everyone.”

As for the teens who lie about how old they are, Facebook does have a way of verifying age. If, for instance, a 19-year-old is mostly friends with 13- and 14-year-olds, and they seem to be taking lots of photos together, then Facebook might suspect that the user is actually 12 or 13–and then it may flag the user’s page for removal or give the user a warning.

The Basics: Protecting Personal Information

Even with Facebook’s privacy policy for minors, a child’s personal information is still widely on display. A young person’s Facebook account is just the beginning of their online footprint, and they need to take that fact seriously, since it can affect their reputation today and potentially come into play later in life when they’re applying for college and for jobs.

Facebook public-policy representative Nicky Jackson Colaco advises parents to sit down with their kids and talk about the importance of protecting one’s online identity. Maintaining open communication with your children is the key to understanding exactly how they’re using Facebook.
“I’d never send my son onto the football field without pads and knowledge of the game,” Colaco says, “and it’s exactly the same with Facebook.”

If you have a Facebook profile, consider sending your child a friend request–not necessarily as a spying tool, but to remind your child of your own online presence. If you don’t have a Facebook account, ask your child to show you their profile. It helps to familiarize yourself as much as possible with the site’s privacy controls and other settings, because the more you know about Facebook, the better equipped you can be if something serious ever arises.

It’s also a good idea to take a look at your child’s photos and wall posts to make sure they are age appropriate. Remind your child that the Internet in general, but especially Facebook, is not a kids-only zone, and that adults can see what’s on their profile as well. Maintaining an appropriate online presence as a teenager will help your child build a respectable online footprint. Remember: The Internet never forgets.

If your kid really has something to hide, they might make a Facebook profile behind your back, or have one account that’s parent-friendly and a separate account for their friends. If they show you a profile that seems skimpy on content, that could be a red flag. That’s where PC and Web-monitoring tools could come into play (see the “Monitoring Behavior” section on the next page).

Finally, go over Facebook’s privacy settings with your child, and show them how to activate the highest level of security. Emphasize that Facebook is a place for friends and not strangers, and then change their profile to “friends only.” Again, remind your child to be wary of what they post in their status updates, since oversharing online can lead to consequences in the real world.

“As the site gets bigger, it’s important to have everyone working together–us, parents, kids, our safety advisory board–to make sure the site remains a safe place,” Colaco says.

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By Leah Yamshon for PCWorld