So, you’ve signed the divorce papers, divided the assets, and moved into separate homes. Now what? For many, the idea of staying friends with an ex feels like trying to mix oil and water—messy and impossible. But what if I told you that transitioning from spouses to friends is possible—and sometimes even healthier for everyone involved?
Let’s get one thing straight: This isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen or forcing a connection that no longer serves you. It’s about redefining your relationship with clarity, respect, and purpose. Whether you’re co-parenting, sharing a social circle, or simply wanting peace, here’s your roadmap to building a healthier dynamic after divorce.
Why Consider Friendship with your ex? The Surprising Benefits You Should Know
You might be surprised, but a lot of people actually do it. Like, research says about 59% of us keep some kind of friendship after a breakup. And you know what? There are some good reasons why.
First, if you have kids together, it can make co-parenting so much easier. Think about it: kids do way better when they see their parents working together without fighting. Dr. Paul, a relationship expert, who knows a lot about relationships, says it’s all about being practical, not just feeling like you have to.
Second, it can actually help you grow. Letting go of hard feelings and forgiving someone can be really freeing. I talked to a couple who went through a divorce, and they said that being honest about their “bruised feet” – you know, the stuff they were secretly struggling with – helped them trust each other again.
And third, You loved this person once—that doesn’t just vanish overnight. Those happy moments? They can become the foundation of a new kind of friendship. Who else understands your past, your inside jokes, or why you still cringe at that one song? An ex who gets you can be a rare kind of support.
But, and this is super important, it only works if you’re both in the right place. You need to feel safe, you need to trust each other. It’s got to be practical, especially when it comes to co-parenting. Or at the very least, you’ve got to be civil and keep things peaceful. If anyone’s still holding onto romantic feelings or guilt, it’s just not going to work.
To be friends with your ex-spouse, you must overcome some sensitive barriers.
Let’s keep it real: This journey isn’t all sunshine. You’ll face triggers, jealousy, and moments where you’ll wonder, “Why am I doing this?”
First up, those unresolved feelings. Relationship coach Craig Kenneth says that jumping into friendship too fast can bring back all those old hurts. If you’re secretly hoping things will go back to how they were, you might need to take a step back. Friendship needs you to be emotionally detached.
Then there’s the comparison trap. Seeing your ex move on with someone else? That can really sting. You need to be honest with yourself: are you doing this for them, or for you? Don’t let yourself get caught up in comparing your life to theirs.
And let’s not forget about old habits. You know, those little things? The inside jokes, the way they do things that used to drive you crazy? Those triggers are gonna show up. We always suggest taking time-outs when things get heated, so you don’t fall back into those old arguments.
Here are Practical Steps to Build a Genuine Friendship with your ex-spouse
Building a friendship with your ex isn’t always simple, but it’s possible if you put in some effort. Here’s how we can approach it, like we’re figuring it out together:
First, let’s give ourselves some space. Think of it like a little “reset” button. Rob Kaufman, who knows a lot about divorce, calls it a “detox period.” He suggests maybe three to six months of no contact. This time? It’s for you. It’s for healing, and remembering who you are as an individual, not just as part of a couple.
Next, let’s figure out what kind of relationship we want going forward. Are we going to be co-parents, working together for the kids? Or maybe just friendly, grabbing coffee now and then? It helps to actually write it down! One couple I know realized they could be friends, but only if they stopped acting like they were still, well, you know, “married without the perks.”
When we do talk, let’s be clear and honest. Forget those vague, “how’s the weather?” conversations. Let’s use “I” statements, like, “I need some space when we talk about money.” This way, we’re setting clear boundaries and expectations, and being respectful of each other’s feelings.
And here’s a little test to see where we’re at. Could you imagine having dinner with your ex and their new partner? If that feels uncomfortable, it’s okay! It just means we might need a little more time before we can truly be friends.
You should Set Clear Rules Before Becoming Friends with Your Ex
Think of boundaries like guardrails on a winding road—they keep you from swerving into emotional chaos. Without them, things can get messy fast. So, before you try to be friends, here’s what to keep in mind:
Physical Boundaries – No late-night calls. No unexpected drop-ins. Keep your interactions predictable so there’s no confusion about where you stand.
Emotional Boundaries – Your ex isn’t your go-to for relationship advice or deep venting sessions. One person I know made this mistake—overshared, got too comfortable, and ended up with awkwardness and mixed signals. Lesson learned!
Digital Boundaries – If seeing their social media updates makes your heart race (and not in a good way), hit the mute button. No need to torture yourself.
For exes with narcissistic tendencies, boundaries aren’t just helpful—they’re essential. Dr. Romany, a psychologist, warns that some narcissists use “friendship” as a tool for control. If every interaction leaves you feeling drained or uneasy, that’s your cue to step back. It’s okay to walk away for your own peace.
When Friendship Isn’t Possible with your ex spouse(And That’s Okay)
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away—and that’s perfectly fine. If you’re trying to force a friendship that just isn’t working, here are some red flags to watch for:
You’re the Only One Trying – If you’re the one always reaching out, making plans, or keeping things civil, that’s not a friendship—it’s a one-sided effort.
The Same Toxic Patterns Keep Showing Up – If gaslighting, manipulation, or disrespect starts creeping back in, that’s your sign to step back. A friendship should feel safe, not like a repeat of your past struggles.
You’re Stuck in Nostalgia – If every conversation turns into, “Remember when we used to…?” then you’re not really moving forward. A real friendship is about the present, not just rehashing the past.
As I said earlier, “Respect your needs first.” Sometimes, the best way to heal is to take a step back, create some distance, and focus on yourself. And that’s completely okay.
Your New Chapter: It’s About Choice
Remember, building a friendship with your ex isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about crafting a future where both of you thrive. Some days will feel like two steps forward, one step back. That’s normal.
Also, this isn’t a race. Whether you end up as occasional co-parents, casual friends, or simply civil strangers, what matters is creating a dynamic that honors your growth.
In line with our recommendation, “Focus on the possibilities that align with your well-being and mutual respect.” So, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
