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Ways to Keep Your Kids Busy While You Work at Home During COVID-19

Keep kids busy

When the World Health Organization declared the COVID-19 outbreak a pandemic, things changed very drastically. Many saw their typical routines turned upside down,  especially with most workplaces requiring remote work while daycare and schools are closed.

Families are spending more time at home together, and all of a sudden, parents faced a situation they deem unprecedented: working from home without access to playdates, babysitters, and Grandma-dates to get them through a snow day or a school break. Understandably, many parents are having a hard time navigating this “new normal.”

While there is no magic bullet that can help ensure everything will always work out according to plan, replicating the predictability and structure your child experiences at school can make a world of difference. Start by creating a routine that will give them some sense of comfort and control.

Many smart parents also incorporated doing household chores in their children’s daily routines. Financially-savvy ones even gave compensation for the help provided through kids debit card. What makes this option enticing is that it allows parents to teach their children how to be responsible and manage their money accordingly at the same time.

Ways to Keep Kids Busy During Quarantine

Below are some fun and creative ways to keep your kids busy during this time of lockdowns and social distancing:

Encourage them to write letters

Do you have a family member living in a nursing or assisted living facility? Social distancing means they won’t be able to see friends or family members in person and hearing from their loved ones would mean a lot to them.

Now’s the perfect time to help kids develop their writing skills (and vocabulary) by encouraging them to write a letter for grandma or grandpa.

You can even ask them to draw something for grandma or grandpa. They’ll be brushing up on their drawing skills while connecting and keeping in touch with their loved ones. Talk about a win-win!

Ask them to build a fort

With some blankets and a few pillows, your child can already create the fort of their dreams. You can challenge them even further and allow them to exercise their creativity by encouraging them to build and make a new fort each day. It will not only keep them busy, it will also help take their mind off being at home the entire day.

Allow them to do an art project

Get those paper, crayons, markers, and pens out, and encourage your kids to create art for you! You can also ask them to create art for friends and loved ones they have not seen and show their art masterpieces through video chats.

Encourage them to learn how to play an instrument

If you have instruments at home, now is the perfect time to encourage your kids to learn how to play them. You can also ask them to learn a specific song they like and ask them to play for the family as soon as you get together.

Get them into the habit of reading

Purchase excellent books for kids online and have your kids pick one they like. Encourage them to form a book club. Have them read a book they like and have a discussion with them about what the book is all about as soon as you get off from work.

To help them develop their reading and comprehension skills, you can also encourage them to explain what they understood. This allows your kids to play teacher while you play a student.

Hold your own show and tell

Show and tell does not have to be limited to the classroom. While you work, have them brainstorm and prepare at least five items for the show and tell. To give the presentation some structure, you can also provide guidelines.

As soon as you stop working, you can start the presentation right away. You can encourage kids to be more creative by giving out prizes for the best presentations.

Conclusion

When it comes to keeping your children entertained during quarantine, thinking outside the box is the best way to go. It will not only make each day fun, it can also help create incredible memories they’ll remember once everything is back to normal.

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Benefits dogs have on children of divorce

Children of divorce

Divorce can be one of the most stressful events, not only in your life but in the lives of children as well. Their world is turned upside down, and they feel a total loss of control over things they considered stable and constant in their lives. Coping with those feelings is challenging for adults, let alone children.

There are different emotions and problems kids of divorce experience; they often think they are to blame and worry about the remaining parent leaving them. Providing stability in those times can be one of the trickiest things you will have to do.

Problems of children of divorce

As we said, kids whose parents are going through a divorce can suffer from different problems. It is pretty well documented and studied. Kids can easily fall behind in school, develop social issues, and deal with a great amount of anxiety and stress. All of that is extremely unhealthy and potentially dangerous for their physical and psychological development.

Studies have shown that co-parenting and having a great relationship with your ex can benefit children whose parents are separating. The truth is, not many former couples are capable of doing that, even for the children’s sake.

Constant fighting and bickering can have a more damaging influence on children than the divorce itself. It is a transition, but a transition children can weather if their two role models get along. Pets, especially dogs, can positively influence children’s psychology, not only if their parents are splitting, but also if they are not.

Dogs have played an important companion to children throughout history, and some cultures even had their family pets sleep with their kids in their beds. To children, it is like having a live teddy bear that teaches them vital life lessons.

Value of owning a dog

Around 71 million households in the US already have a pet, and if you don’t already have one, getting one for your kid/s can be a blessing in these times. There are numerous benefits kids get from owning a dog, and not only will the dog provide unconditional love, but they will also teach them valuable life lessons. Here are the most useful benefits kids get from owning a dog.

Unconditional love

The most obvious one is the love dogs show “their” humans. Psychologists have proven over and over that dogs are a fantastic source of support and unconditional love. Divorce is a stressful time for the children, and during those times of insecurity and change, a dog will provide stability and security. Some even said that dogs are a “bridge to sanity.” Things might be changing, but their beloved dog will always remain by their side and provide plenty of love and affection.

Stress relief

Dog owners have long claimed that petting and spending time with their dogs is excellent stress relief. Finally, science confirmed that theory and proved that talking, cuddling, and walking a dog lowers blood pressure, pulse, and lowers cholesterol. If you combine all these things, you get one of the best ways to alleviate the cooped-up stress — the same works for children.

Not only will owning a dog lower their stress during these times, but they will also get additional exercise, which is hugely beneficial for modern-day, screen-focused children.

Communication bridge

Post-divorce times can be very troubling, and adults are often preoccupied with legal things and living arrangements. Dogs become part of the family, and they can play a vital role as the “communication enhancer.” They are often the bridge that helps adults and children communicate and have conversations that can be awkward and hard.

Other than helping their families, dogs also enhance the kids’ communication skills. Taking a dog to the dog park or simply walking them through the neighborhood will make you run into other dog owners. Children learn both directly and indirectly how to communicate and how to sharpen their communication skills. It is a valuable lesson that will help them throughout their life.

Connection and Security

Dogs are absolutely awesome, and not only are they a great source of fun, but they also provide kids with a connection on a deeper level and a strong feeling of security. Child psychologists have proven the positive effects of dogs (and other pets) have on kids during divorce, illness, and even a family member’s death. Dogs provide them with stability and the feeling of being less alone and abandoned.

Through that connection, kids learn about empathy and support. Studies have shown that children with dogs are more sensitive to other people’s sufferings and have shown healthier self-confidence than those who don’t have a pet. It is another valuable life lesson kids get from dogs.

Secret sharer

This is one of the most important things dogs bring to kids whose parents are going through a divorce – a confidant. Kids love talking to their dogs, and some even find that sharing their secrets and fears with their dogs is easier than sharing them with adults or therapists. A dog is always there and will lend an ear without any judgment or opinions. Dogs will simply listen and offer cuddles and support when needed.

Owning a dog is also a great way of bonding. Some parents might have trouble communicating and bonding with their kids after or during the divorce, and walking a dog can be the first activity that divorced parents and kids can do together. Commenting, laughing, and playing with the dog is something everyone will enjoy.

Options

There are over 400 internationally recognized dog breeds, and that is if you are not counting mixed dogs and crossbreeds. You can specifically pick a breed that will go great with the child’s character. Some breeds are active; some prefer staying at home and cuddling.

There are many different options for you to choose and make sure you get a dog that perfectly fits your children. There is also the option of adopting, which some future dog owners prefer. A good thing is that all dogs can become emotional support dogs; the specific breed is not a condition that needs to be fulfilled.

Protector or cuddler

A dog can be so much more than just a best friend (which is already a significant role). Some dog breeds have guarding characters, and their mean look and protective characters can provide kids with an additional feeling of security. You might have some doubts about these breeds, but they are incredibly devoted and loving towards their own families.

If you think that having a relatively large breed might be hard to raise and have at home, different small dog breeds can become excellent cuddling partners. Some breeds were developed to become the perfect companion, so there is no reason to believe that they won’t become precisely that to your children.

Benefits of owning a dog as a divorcee

If you are reading this, it probably means you went through a very stressful change in your life, and you are thinking about your children. The truth is, getting a divorce is extremely hard on parents as well. You might not admit it, but handling emotions and change is not very easy. Most of us have a lot of trouble withstanding the situation.

Owning a dog is not only good for kids but for grown-ups as well. Dogs offer many things you probably didn’t even think about at first. Here are some of the benefits dog ownership can provide to people that are alone after a divorce.

Social lubricant

Even if you got a dog because of your children, you would most likely be the one taking care of it. Pretty soon, you will understand the benefit of owning a dog, but first, let’s start with the social part. Owning a dog requires walking them and visiting dog parks. Dog parks are filled with other dog owners, and having a dog can be a great conversation starter. It is a place to meet new friends and get support where you didn’t even look for one.

Emotional support

There is a reason why plenty of dogs are emotional support animals. They are sensitive and have a special connection with their owners. They can feel our anxiety, panic, or stress, and they are ready to provide us with support even if they can’t talk.

Physical activity

Many couples that are separating let themselves go and forget how important physical activity is. Dog owners have an obligation in the form of an animal that needs to go for walks every day. Dogs don’t care if it is raining outside or if it’s windy and cold. They need to go out, and going out means more physical activity for you. On average, dog owners have 19 minutes more physical activity per day than those who don’t own a dog.

Getting a dog can be a huge thing at this point in your life, and it is certainly one of the best decisions you can make for yourself in general. However, you need to be realistic and make the best possible decision. Think about the time, budget, and schedule, and make the best possible decision for you and your family.

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How Can Parental Separation Impact Language Development?

parental separation

Children can develop intense anxiety or insecurities when they are in traumatic or stressful situations. such as: 

  • Living in a high conflict environment (e.g., parents frequently fighting, yelling, etc.)
  • Loss of daily contact with a parent (e.g., one parent moves out)
  • Having to quickly adjust to a new life-style (e.g., child quickly moves out of home) 

When these instances happen, kids may become withdrawn to shut out the unpleasant situations or to hide the feelings they experience. Some children may feel shame or feel as though they are at fault. These feelings can become bottled up inside, leading to further withdrawal or anxiety. The feelings may be overwhelming and the child may be unsure what to do or how to express them. 

A child may decline to interact with the parent who has moved out. They may not talk to other family members, withdraw from their friends etc. Children adopt coping mechanisms such as withdrawal for protection from rejection and feelings of inadequacy. 

Developing language problems can follow when children withdraw, hide, keep their feelings in, or decline to interact with others. 

Developing Speech and Language Problems Also Depends on Other Factors

In addition to the parental situation, a child’s age, gender, socioeconomic status, and the number of siblings they have can also impact language development. 

Additionally, while research suggests that divorce or separation can affect a child’s language skills, the extent depends on various other factors.For instance, talking to your children openly about the changing family situation and welcoming questions takes away some fear and anxiety. But, even an explained absence of a parent can be very stressful for a small child, possibly causing  them to shut down. 

Parents Will Want to Handle the Separation Carefully

Although it is hard to work through your disagreements in the early days of the separation, you want to protect your kids and create an atmosphere of love and support. Easing the children gently into the new family lifestyle helps. As an example you may need to tell them that now daddy will be driving them to school or taking them to doctors’ appointments. Or they may need to know that they will be  spending every other week with each parent. It is helpful if everyday activities like reading to the kids at bedtime maintain normalcy and security. Research indicates that children benefit from consistency in their daily lives. 

Both Parents Should Contribute to Supporting Children’s Development

During or after separation, both parents need to be supportive to the child and be on the look out for any delays which may suggest the need for an evaluation:

Children should be developing the following skills between ages two and three:

  • stringing two to three words into sentences 
  • learning to say their first name
  • identifying themselves with the word “I”
  • dressing up
  • jumping in one place
  • learning to write by drawing vertical lines and circles
  • coloring

If you notice delays, please schedule an evaluation to have your child’s needs assessed. If you are in the United States you can request an evaluation at your child’s school, early intervention office, or at a private clinician’s office such as a developmental pediatrician, speech-language pathologist, child psychologist, neurologist, etc.   

Focus on Balancing Living in Two Homes

Therapy can be more challenging when kids are spending time between two households. Parents can help by making an effort to coordinate sessions and keep each other updated about the child’s progress. Parents can use a shared platform where they can communicate with the therapist to get instructions on how to practice sounds and continue with any other exercises. Considering that speech therapy works best with repetition, both parents should stay informed about the sessions. 

The effects of parental separation do not need to get in the way of your child’s cognitive development or language abilities. Parents should offer love and support and focus on raising children responsibly, even if they’re growing up in two different households. 

This article was written in collaboration with Better Speech. Better Speech has helped thousands of children and families. They are committed to providing affordable, convenient, and effective online speech therapy for kids and adults. Their clients are matched with the best therapist for their needs and get affordable therapy at the comfort of their home, when it’s convenient for them (even on weekends or evenings). 

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TX Child Custody Laws for Unmarried Parents: Everything You Need to Know

TX custody laws

Every year, around one-and-a-half million children are born to unmarried parents in the United States. From the outset, these children face different custodial rules, standards, and laws than their peers born to married couples. 

As if that weren’t complicated enough, custodial rules and standards can vary from state to state. If you’re unmarried and dealing with a child custody situation in Texas, here are the TX custody laws you need to be aware of. 

Texas Custody Defaults

Whenever a child is born to an unmarried mother in Texas, the law assigns all legal and custodial rights to the mother. This is true even when the father’s name appears on the birth certificate. 

In order to claim any custodial rights over their children, unmarried fathers must first establish paternity.

Establishing Paternity

As a general rule, men have little say in what goes on a child’s birth certificate. The mother’s information is automatically included and she may choose whether or not to identify a father. Even when a father is listed, the presence of his name on the certificate is not considered legal proof of parenthood. 

As such, it is not legal grounds for custody. Under Texas laws, there are only two ways to establish paternity that have any legal weight. 

The first option is to have both parents sign an Acknowledgement of Paternity (AOP) document. The use of this legally binding form is most common among unmarried couples living together or who have parted amicably and who wish to work together to raise their children. 

The second option is to establish paternity via a DNA test. Samples must be collected from the mother, the proposed father, and the child. The samples must then be analyzed by a recognized lab to verify paternity.

Either parent can obtain a court order for such testing, if necessary. 

It is important to note, however, that establishing paternity is only a first step. Unmarried fathers do not immediately gain the same custodial rights as their married counterparts once paternity is proven. Instead, they will need to negotiate a custody arrangement with the mother of their child or request a child custody order from the court. 

Negotiated Rights vs Court Orders

Unmarried parents do not necessarily need to go to court to work out custody of their children. If they live together or live separately but co-parent in a positive and constructive way, they may be able to operate under informal agreements. 

For many couples, however, informal arrangements are not feasible. Sometimes parents are unable to agree on terms. Other times, one or both parents may fail to keep to agreed-upon terms.

In other cases, concerns about safety, child support, or other factors may come into play. When any of these things happen, parents must seek court-mediated custody arrangements. 

Conservatorship

Texas custody laws contain very specific and unique language. Understanding this language is the first step to understanding your custody options and the laws that govern them.  

The first term unmarried parents need to know is conservatorship. Texas uses the term “conservatorship” in place of “custody.” Thus, a custodial parent or guardian is a child’s “conservator.”

There are two primary types of conservatorship. 

In joint managing conservatorship (JMC) arrangements, both parents share custody. Both have basic rights to make decisions about and for their child and an equal responsibility to care for the child. 

Under a JMC, judges may assign specific and exclusive decision-making rights on some subjects to one parent or the other. JMCs may or may not involve one parent paying child support to the other. 

The second type of conservatorship is sole managing conservatorship (SMC), in which only one parent has the right to make legal decisions for and about the child. Child support is common in these arrangements. 

Child Support

Courts may award child support to the conservator regardless of their gender. Before mothers can receive child support from the father, however, they must establish paternity. Receipt of child support is not necessarily related to access or visitation.

The exact amount of child support the court awards can vary based on numerous factors. Parents with questions on this point should seek the advice and assistance of an attorney. 

In most cases, child support ends when the child turns 18 years of age. 

Access

The next term parents need to know is “access.” This is Texas’s term for visitation.

Non-custodial parents often still have rights to see and spend time with their children. If the parents can reach an agreement between themselves on what visitation should look like, the court will usually honor those arrangements.

When parents cannot agree, courts hand down permissions and restrictions. This includes:

  • Geographic restrictions
  • Time restrictions
  • Activity restrictions 

Geographic Restrictions 

Conservators have the right to choose where they and their children reside. In order to ensure that non-conservator parents still have access to their children, however, the court may place restrictions on where the custodial parent can live. 

For example, they may not be able to move out of the area or out of state if this would deny the non-conservator parent access to their child. These restrictions usually cease to apply if the non-custodial parent agrees to the move or moves out of the area themselves. 

Time and Activity Restrictions 

In addition to geographic restrictions, courts may also hand down other rules. They may limit the time a parent can spend with a child. Or they may limit what non-custodial parents can do, such as: 

  • Ordering the parent not to drink or use substances while with the child
  • Ordering that specific friends or relatives not be allowed near the child while they are with that parent
  • Requiring that the parent visit with their child only in supervised conditions 

Court Preferences

As often as possible, Texas courts prefer to hand down joint managing conservatorship (JMC) arrangements. Research demonstrates that the involvement of both parents is most often in children’s best interest, and so courts try to promote this whenever situations allow. 

In fact, courts use children’s best interests as the baseline for all of their decisions in Texas custody cases. 

By law, courts are not allowed to base their decisions on or allow their decisions to be influenced by:

  • Parents’ marital status
  • Parents’ genders
  • The child’s gender

Instead, custody arrangements are based solely on the court’s determination of which parent is most capable of providing a safe, stable, and loving home for the child.

Standard Schedules 

When parents do not have their own personalized parenting plans, Texas courts tend to default to one of several standardized plans. 

In a standard possession plan, the non-conservator parent gets access:

  • Two to three weekends per month
  • One weeknight per week during the school year
  • Every other holiday
  • For one month during the summer

Under an expanded standard possession plan, the non-conservator parent: 

  • Gets access during all of the same times as under a standard plan
  • Has extra overnight visitations 
  • Is permitted to pick up their child from school or drop them off at school

Modified possession plans are variants of the standard plan. They may be granted when parental or child schedules do not accommodate the standard plan. They often adhere as closely to the standard time division as possible. 

Customized plans are also common for children under three years of age, as their youth can require special considerations. 

Supervised possession plans go into effect when there are restrictions on when, where, and how the non-custodial parent may see their child. 

Abuse, Violence, and Other Special Circumstances

Texas custody laws for unmarried parents are not that different from those that apply to married parents in cases where the child’s safety is in question. 

Unfit parents cannot gain conservatorship. Importantly, however, fathers seeking sole conservatorship due to maternal unfitness must establish paternity before they can sue for custody.

In less clear-cut cases, the court considers the following factors when addressing custody in potentially unsafe situations.

  • Evidence or history of neglect
  • Evidence or history of abuse toward the child, the other parent, or someone else in the home
  • Cases or a history of assault on the part of either parent

In particular, the law singles out sexual assaults and crimes. The court can refuse to grant custody or access to men if the child in question was conceived as the result of a sexual crime against the mother. 

Supervised Access

In many cases, rather than denying parents access altogether, the court will elect to award supervised access. This can enable parents to have relationships with their children without exposing those children to unsafe conditions. 

Supervised access may include conditions such as:

  • Controlled exchange of the child
  • Prohibitions against the consumption of alcohol or other substances before and during visits
  • Parental enrollment in anger management or parenting classes

TX Custody Laws and You 

TX custody laws are complex. Nowhere is this more true than in situations where parents are unmarried. Learn more about how you can write co-parenting plans, design custom schedules, and set up the best possible custody arrangements by checking out our other great articles now.

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Yours, Mine and Ours: How to Blend Two Families

Blend families

Many divorces involve children, and many of those divorced parents will go on to remarry — very likely to someone who also already has children of their own. While the Brady Bunch is a great TV show, it’s not a realistic model for what the process of creating a blended family looks like in real life. It can take many years to navigate all of the challenges that come with a blended family and to build positive, respectful relationships between everyone, but it is possible. Find out more in this guide.

Step-Parenting and Blended Families

When it comes to step-parents, the stigmas are strong. On one end of the spectrum you have the wicked stepmother (or stepfather) scenario that would paint step-parents as jealous, controlling and even abusive when it comes to their stepchildren — seemingly trying to push the children out so they can be the only thing important to the other parent. Luckily, this is more television and movie fodder than it is real life. 

Most step-parents very much want to have a positive relationship with their stepchildren and look forward to building a new family unit that blends the best of both sides into something even better. However, it usually isn’t this simple even in the best of situations and with the best of intentions. 

The truth is that step-parenting is difficult. You don’t have the inherent bond that you have with your biological children, and in some cases, you may be seen as a potential threat to the child’s relationship with their biological parent or a replacement for their parent’s ex-spouse. In order to make the transition from two families to one as smooth as possible, it’s important to be aware of both the challenges and potential strategies you can use to build positive relationships and a strong family unit. 

The Challenges of Blended Families

When it comes to taking two separate families and trying to turn it into one, it can sometimes feel more like trying to mix water and oil. You’re taking two very separate family units, with different traditions, different rules and different dynamics, and trying to create something entirely new. Here are a few of the potential pitfalls to be aware of as you navigate this process.

Differences in Parenting Styles

This is perhaps the most difficult aspect of all. Chances are that you and your new spouse have had years of raising your children and have your own specific parenting style when it comes to what’s allowed, what’s not and what you do when someone breaks the rules. For example, if you’re OK with your children watching R rated movies but your new spouse thinks that anything rated higher than PG is a no, this presents issues when it comes to family movie nights or what movies children are allowed to see with friends.

Differences in parenting styles also commonly show up when it comes to discipline. If you and your new spouse have had different house rules or expectations when it comes to chores, how the family members interact with each other or what punishments are appropriate, it can quickly become a point of contention if it’s not dealt with.

Difficult Co-Parents

While there are plenty of stories out there about how new spouses and ex-spouses are able to get along very well and may even be friends, this doesn’t always happen. In some cases, the children’s biological parent may see you as a threat to their relationship with their children and try to undermine you as a step-parent. Feeling like you constantly have to defend yourself or dealing with antagonistic interactions at every school function or visitation pickup can get very taxing very quickly and put stress on both your relationship with your step-children as well as your new spouse. Keeping communication in writing and ensuring everyone has access to family calendars and the like through an app like 2houses can help.

Diverse Personalities

Every person is unique, and this is certainly true for children. And while there’s no guarantee that your personality meshes with your own biological children, you do have the benefit of the magnitude of parental love and years of experience learning how to deal with them. When you are faced with a personality clash between a step-parent and step-child, it can be very challenging to develop and maintain a positive relationship.

4 Tips for Successful Step-Parenting

While it’s possible that you may never have the same type of relationship with your step-children as you have with your biological children, that doesn’t mean that you should just give up and bide your time until the children are out of the house. There are many things you can do personally and as a family to help create a more positive step-parenting relationship. Here are just a few of your tips for getting things moving in a better direction. 

1. Take It Slow

Remember that even though you and your new spouse have decided to start a family together that your respective children probably didn’t have that same input. If they aren’t happy about the change, it’s important to realize like they may feel like it is entirely out of their control and may feel like it is something that is forced on them. With this in mind, the focus should be on taking it slow and giving everyone plenty of grace. 

It’s normal to want everything to blend seamlessly quickly, but the reality is that this is rarely what actually happens. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, it can actually take several years for everyone to adjust to the changes in the family structure and for the two families to actually start to “blend.” By thinking of this as a marathon and not a sprint, it can help you keep the proper long-game perspective and help you notice and celebrate more of the smaller wins and progress instead of focusing on the ongoing challenges.

2. Present a United Front

While it’s likely that each family has had their own traditions, rules and ways of relating to each other, all of this has to adjust when the two families come together. This means there will be times when a middle of the road compromise is available and others when one side has to “win.” One of the best things you can do to help make that transition easier is to make sure that you’re presenting a united front with your new spouse.

If possible, take some time to discuss how you’re going to handle things before they arise, so that you are able to present that united front in the moment. In situations where that’s not possible, it’s a good idea to go with whatever the first parent to respond says and then talk about it with your spouse later away from the children to discuss both viewpoints and how you can compromise and adjust for when that issue comes up again. 

For example, maybe you let your step-child buy a candy bar at the grocery store, but you found out when you got home that your spouse wanted them to wait until after dinner to have sweets. In this case, going ahead with what the step-parent said and then having a parents-only discussion afterward to come to a compromise moving forward is the best solution that ensures both sides are heard and a compromise is made without undermining the step-parent’s decision in front of the children. 

3. Respect That Each Child Is Different

One of the great things about children is that they all have different strengths and character traits that make them completely unique individuals. However, this also means that in a blended family with more than one child, you’re probably going to be dealing with different perspectives and adjustments from each child. One child might immediately take to the new partner while another needs more time to warm up and accept the change. 

One of the best things you can do as a new step-parent or a biological parent trying to make the blended family transition as smooth as possible is to accept that each child will handle the new situation differently and respect that. Encourage the children who are happy and excited about the move and give those who aren’t plenty of time and space to process things in their own time and way.

4. Embrace the Chaos

Anytime you are putting two families into one, there is a lot of change, and it’s probably going to be chaotic and imperfect for a while — and possibly forever. By embracing the change, you open the door to welcome challenges as opportunities to grow and bond together and set a good example for children who may not yet have the tools and resources to cope.

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Success Strategies for Becoming a Stepdad

Becoming a stepdad

Dating is never easy, but when you’re dating someone who already has children, the stakes are even higher. Once you realize that it’s time to take things to the next level and start considering marriage, you may have some questions and concerns about what it means to be a stepfather and what you can do to be a good one. Your new spouse — or soon to be — and their kids are a package deal, so it’s important to do all you can to be a positive influence and role model. Here are some of our best strategies for becoming a successful stepdad.

Potential Pitfalls

While you may not officially be a stepdad until you say “I do,” the work you put into the relationship with the kids from the first day you meet them is crucial to your success. Being more aware of the potential issues and challenges that can crop up as a step-dad is important if you want to stay ahead of those challenges and be proactive in cultivating a positive relationship with your children. Here are a few things to be on the lookout for.

1. Resentment From the Children

Even if you’re a great guy with the best of intentions and do everything right from the start, you still might have to contend with resentment from the children. From their perspective it can feel like you’re a threat to their relationship with their biological parent, taking some of the time and energy that the kids see as could have been spent on them. You may also be a visual reminder that their parents have separated and really aren’t going to get back together — a fantasy many children of divorce hold on to.

2. Differences in Parenting Styles

Another challenge that often affects blended families is the difference in parenting styles. This may be especially true if you also have children and have developed a specific parenting style and method of relating to and disciplining your kids. For example, if your partner thinks it’s fine for the children to stay up as late as they want on the weekends but you think bedtime should still be enforced, it can be hard to get on the same page and present a united front to the children. Other potential areas that can be issues if you have different parenting styles include the level of responsibility expected from the kids when it comes to household chores, what consequences should happen if a child gets in trouble and what to do if a child is struggling academically.

3. The “Not My Dad” Problem

Even if you have a positive relationship with your step-children, the “not my dad” card can still come up when things get challenging — especially in the teenage years. While you are an authority figure in the child’s life, the truth is that the child is right: you aren’t their dad. And that can make it harder to walk the line when it comes to discipline, respect and being taken seriously. 

4. Dealing With the Bio Dad

In some cases, you may be the only father figure in the picture (which can sometimes be easier but comes with challenges of its own), but in many, you will have to learn how to deal with the children’s biological father. If you’re lucky, the dad will be a good guy who wants to be involved with his kid and is at least accepting of you if not outright welcoming. However, many stepdads have to deal with bio dads who don’t want them in the picture and actively try to sabotage their relationships with the children and their partner.

4 Strategies for Success

After reading over that list of potential pitfalls, you may be thinking either “yikes, I hadn’t thought of that!” or “OK, yes, I’m already dealing with this,” but the big question is “What do I do about it?” The good news is that there are specific strategies you can use to help create and maintain a positive relationship with your stepchildren. We’ve focused on four core areas below.

1. Focus on the Positive

It’s easy to get frustrated with your own biological children when they have attitudes, are throwing temper tantrums or aren’t obeying the rules. But it’s even easier when the child isn’t “yours.” One thing that can really help during these times is to keep the focus on the positive and ignore the negative as much as you can. For example, maybe you can ignore a sarcastic remark a child says under their breath as they walk up the stairs and at the same time remind yourself of last weekend when they curled up on the couch with you to watch a movie. Or when they pull the “not my dad” line, remember that time they gave you a handmade father’s day card with a special note inside.

It may even be helpful to keep a special box or notebook or even just a folder of pictures in your phone that documents the positives so that you have something tangible to remind yourself of when there’s a bad day.

2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Open, honest, respectful communication is key to any relationships, and this is definitely true when it comes to your relationship with your step-children. It can be a difficult line to walk between “I’m here for you” and coming across as overbearing, but it’s worth taking up the challenge. You can help foster open communication by taking an active interest in your step-children’s lives and the things that are important to them. Make a point to remember that they had a big spelling test today. Show up at the soccer game. Learn to play chess. Knowing enough about their interests and likes and dislikes to carry on a meaningful conversation and ask the right questions can go a long way toward showing them that you care and are invested in their lives and success.

It’s also equally as important to keep those lines of communication open with your partner. Even when you love someone, it can be difficult to accept someone else parenting your child or having an opinion on your child. Having regular conversations with your partner — schedule them if you need to — about how things are going and any issues that have come up can give you an easy open forum to ensure you catch any resentfulness, hurt or misunderstanding before it becomes a bigger problem.

3. Be a Role Model

The old adage “you have to give respect to get respect” is definitely true when it comes to step-parenting. One of the best things you can do for your relationship with your step-children is to model the behavior you want from them. Treat them with respect, give them grace when they mess up and remember that everyone is human. For example, if you think it’s disrespectful for a child to be sarcastic toward you, make a point not to be sarcastic to them. If you have an issue with how they are treating you and acting toward you, make sure that you continue to model positive behavior even when you are frustrated or don’t feel like it. Consistency in how you treat the children and what you expect from them can go a long way toward building a relationship.

4. Give It Time

Relationships take time. This is true for romantic relationships, and it’s also very true when you are trying to build relationships with someone else’s kids. Children of divorce in particular often really need to see that you’re going to be a permanent fixture in their lives and need to see that you are going to continue to be a positive person for them. It’s common for children to believe that if they can just be difficult enough they can scare you away or to believe that since their parents split up, it’s inevitable that you will leave too and so it’s not worth investing in the relationship. Sometimes, when the children see that they can’t scare you away and that you aren’t leaving, they settle down very quickly and do a complete 180 in how they treat and interact with you. Remembering that being a stepdad is a long game can help you keep perspective.

The bottom line is that even if your stepkids don’t take to you right away or even actively express their displeasure at the new family dynamics, that doesn’t stop you from being able to give your best effort as a stepdad. Being a good step-parent is a long game, and the effort, consistency and respect you put in now is likely to pay off in dividends later.

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I’m Afraid to Make My Mom or Dad Sad: Dealing With Children’s Fears and Insecurities

I'm Afraid to Make My Mom or Dad Sad

While we usually think of the parent comforting the child and trying to ensure they are happy and healthy, children often think they also have some sort of responsibility to their parents and not upsetting them. This can be a good thing if you want your child not to misbehave, but when it comes to the emotional effects of a divorce, it can backfire. In this article, we tackle some of the top reasons your child may be afraid to make you sad and provide some tips on how to ensure that your child feels like they can talk to you without worrying about how you might feel.

Reasons Your Child May Be Afraid to Make You Sad

Many children are worried if they express their feelings or emotions that they might upset or hurt their parents, and this can lead to them internalizing those emotions and even creating false connections in their heads such as “It’s my fault they got divorced.” To be able to challenge those connections, it’s important to be aware of what your child may be thinking. Here are a few common reasons your child may be afraid to make you sad.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I want to see my other parent.

Children often feel like they are betraying one parent or having to choose between the two if they want to spend time with the other parent. This can come up in situations like wanting to go shopping with one parent instead of the other or even just the regular custody schedule. Your child may be afraid that if they show that they are happy to spend time with the other parent that you will think they don’t love you just as much.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I don’t like their new boyfriend/girlfriend.

While it’s not 100 percent necessary for your child to be ecstatic about your new partner for it to work out, it can make things more difficult if they don’t get along. However, if you don’t know that your child doesn’t like your new partner, you won’t even have the opportunity to address any issues, personality clashes or misunderstandings. Your child may be afraid that if they don’t like your new partner that you will have to choose between them, and they may be afraid that you love your new boyfriend or girlfriend more than them.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I don’t want to go to their house.

As children get older, they tend to have more of a social life and may have plans or things that they want to do when it’s time to go over to the other parent’s house. An example of this might be a birthday sleepover that is scheduled for the noncustodial parent’s weekend. Your child may be worried that you will be upset or think that they don’t love you or want to spend time with you because they want to go to the party instead.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I talk about before.

Divorce and the separation of the family is a big change, and it’s one that takes a lot of processing for kids and adults alike. However, it’s common that adults get to actually do that processing through talking to friends or family, joining support groups or talking to a therapist, but children are often left to their own thoughts. Your child may be afraid to make you sad if they want to talk about happy memories from when the parents were still together or show that they are sad that it didn’t work out.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I ask my other parent for help.

Single parents are superheros. They do everything and have to work in and fill multiple roles around the house and in their children’s lives. After a while, it becomes second nature to just handle everything yourself, especially when it comes to your children. However, your child may also want to get help from the other parent sometimes, whether it’s advice on how to talk to their crush or whether they should try out for varsity. Your child may be afraid to make you sad or make you feel like you’re not enough if they want to get specific help from the other parent.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I ask them not to come to something.

In coparenting situations where the parents are able to be civil and even friendly and get along, it’s usually not an issue for both parents to attend a function for the child. Unfortunately, however, this isn’t always the case. If the relationship between the two parents is bad, it can be very stressful for the child to have everyone show up at a performance or game. They may not know where to look in the audience or who to go to first after it’s over, and they may also be worried that the parents will get into an argument in front of their friends and peers. Your child may be afraid that you will be sad or get your feelings hurt if they ask you not to come to a function so that they don’t have to split their time or deal with the stress.

What You Can Do About It

The good news is that for most parents, once they hear these reasons, they immediately think, “Oh, but that’s not true at all!” And letting your child know that these things won’t upset you or hurt you or make you sad is an important step in ensuring that they aren’t blaming themselves or carrying more emotional burden than they should be. It’s also important in keeping the lines of communication open and making your child feel like it’s safe to come to you with their issues and problems. Here are a few strategies that can help.

Remind Your Child That You Love Them Unconditionally

First and foremost, make it a point to tell your child that you love them and love them unconditionally as much as possible. When they have that strong basis of love, there will be less fear that there is something they can do or say to you that would shake that love. Children don’t have the life experience or maturity to understand the depth of parental love or that while you may not like how they are acting,  their choices or some decisions they make it doesn’t change how you feel about them or how much you love them at all.

Make a Point to Keep Your Feelings to Yourself

While it’s always good for children to understand that parents are humans too and sometimes they feel stressed or upset or angry, your child isn’t your therapist or best friend and shouldn’t be treated like it. Children pick up on every little cue, and even a sarcastic comment here and there can make your child more afraid of upsetting you or making you sad. While it’s perfectly normal to feel sad or upset if your child doesn’t want to come to your house or would rather the other parent come to “bring your parent to school day,” it’s best to keep that to private adult conversations and continue to show your child positivity and support.

Ask Questions to Foster Communication

It can be very difficult for children to be able to share their emotions and fears. They often don’t have the experience or vocabulary to understand those feelings, let alone articulate them. And even older children and teenagers may act out or do other things instead of sharing how they feel. One way to help things along is to ask questions and open the door for them to share. Instead of waiting for your child to say that they are worried about your new partner, maybe ask something along the lines of, “So-and-so’s been coming around a lot more. How do you think things are going?” Resist the urge to defend yourself or your partner and really just focus on hearing your child and validating those feelings. If there are things you need to address or explain, try to leave it for another conversation so that your child doesn’t associate that with them telling you how they felt.

Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, and unfortunately, those challenges don’t stop once the paperwork is finalized. Understanding that your child may have fears and emotions you’re not aware of and giving them an open, safe place to express those feelings without judgement can help everyone more forward as healthily as possible.

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What Does Gaslighting Look Like?

Gaslighting

In the US alone, a couple gets divorced about every 36 seconds. This amounts to 2,400 divorces each day. If you’re going through a tough time, you can at least know that you’re far from alone!

One of the common reasons for divorce is emotional abuse. Navigating this dynamic between yourself and your abuser can make an already difficult situation even trickier. However, in order to navigate it, you’ll need to first figure out whether or not your situation truly is one of gaslighting.

That’s why we’re here today to talk about gaslighting, what it looks like, and how you can get help. Read on for some help in identifying whether you’re a victim of gaslighting and what you can do to overcome your pain. 

What Is Gaslighting?

In the simplest terms, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that has to do with making the victim question their sanity. The abuser slowly and covertly will plant seeds of doubt in the mind of the victim. This will cause the victim to believe that they are misremembering things or making up things that didn’t happen.

Generally, this abuse tactic is a way for the abuser to remain in control. They make light of the victim’s beliefs and reassert that the gaslighter is stable while the victim is not.

One of the main gaslighting tactics is denying that something has occurred. For example, if the victim remembers the gaslighter saying or doing something harmful, the abuser may deny that this happens. They will convince the victim that they’re misremembering things and being a bad person that paints the gaslighter negatively.

If the abuser doesn’t flat-out deny that these situations happened, they may belittle the victim in other ways. A gaslighter may treat you like you’re blowing events out of proportion. They want you to think that your emotional reactions are too intense and that you are crazy for ‘overreacting.’

Sometimes, an abuser will stage dramatic and strange events surrounding you and your relationship. These events are meant to disorient and confuse you. Many times the abuser will also swoop in and ‘save’ you from this event that they caused in the first place. They will use this occurrence to prove that they are actually a nice person and are the only thing standing between you and more problems.

What Are Some Examples of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting comes in a lot of forms. However, the main examples of gaslighting come in the form of things that an abuser tells you. Some common examples of things that a gaslighter says include:

  • “You’re overreacting, you overreact to everything.”
  • “You just love to throw me off track.”
  • “I was just joking! You’re so sensitive.”
  • “You always are so dramatic.”
  • “No one believes you, so why should I?”

All of these phrases are red flags that gaslighting may be taking place.

Another example of gaslighting is when an abuser flat-out lies to you about a situation that happened.

For example, let’s say that your partner orders something online with a credit card that you never said they could use. They may say something like “you said I could borrow it and pay you back later, so I did.”

If you try to tell them they’re misremembering, they will become angry. You may not say anything at all. If you do, they may become angry and yell at you. This can cause you to question whether or not you actually remember things correctly.

Some gaslighting may seem like less of a big deal.

Let’s say that your partner loves brownies, so you decide to be nice and surprise them with a homemade batch. Your partner gets home and says, “I don’t really like brownies, but I do love cookies! That must be what you’re remembering. Well, next time!”

This may seem like a minor occurrence, but it’s part of a painful pattern. Your gaslighter is breaking you down and getting you to question reality in many ways. Even a seemingly innocuous occurrence like this is a big deal and should be taken seriously if you notice it.

What Are the Warning Signs?

In addition to these common phrases and persistent lying, there are also other signs of gaslighting. Many of these have to do with your feelings and behavior, but these changes are not your fault. Read on for some signs of gaslighting that you need to know so that you can better identify abuse.

You’re More Anxious, Depressed, and Isolated Than Usual

While mental health issues can stem from many factors, they are often a sign of gaslighting. This is because a gaslighter:

  • Knows how to make you blame yourself
  • Creates elaborate scenarios to prove their devotion to you
  • Tries to constantly keep you on your toes (a.k.a. anxious!)
  • Dismisses your feelings of unhappiness and guilt
  • Refuses to validate what you are going through
  • May keep you away from other loved ones (for fear that they see through their manipulations)

As you might imagine, all of these factors may make you feel alone and depressed. If you begin to notice your mental health deteriorating, it may be a good idea to assess your situation.

While worsening mental health isn’t always a sign of gaslighting, gaslighting almost always leads to mental health problems.

You Find Yourself Apologizing a Lot

One of the main side effects of anxiety is that you end up apologizing often. This is a concrete way that you can measure your self-doubt and anxiety. Much of the time, you’ll just be apologizing for existing because you’re scared. This should never happen, and it’s a sign of serious relationship problems.

If you notice that you have been apologizing persistently, take an objective look at the situation. Did you actually do anything to apologize for? Do you remember doing that thing?

If the answer to either of these questions is ‘no,’ you may be a gaslighting victim.

Many times, other loved ones will alert you to your excessive apologizing. Don’t brush these concerns off, but look inward and figure out why you are apologizing.

You’re Making a Lot of Excuses

People who are in abusive (or even just toxic) relationships often find themselves making excuses a lot. These excuses can be to absolve their partner of blame to third parties.

A lot of the time, people will say that it isn’t their partner’s fault that something happened and blame it on external factors. This happens even when external factors aren’t present. Those in toxic relationships want everyone to see only the good in their partner. When you’re being gaslit, this can lead to a lot of difficult lying on your part.

However, these excuses aren’t only things that you tell others. You also may make excuses for your partner’s behavior internally. Some examples are:

  • “She’s only late to events every single time because she is dealing with (possibly nonexistent) family.”
  • “I know that he lies, but it’s because he had a difficult childhood.”
  • “He only hurts me because he loves me.”

These are all thoughts that should give you pause.

Making Decisions is Really Hard

Gaslighters always make you question your decisions. As a result, you may find that making choices is really hard when you’re being gaslit. If you used to be confident in your decision-making skills but no longer are, take a moment to assess why this is the case.

Did someone make you feel that way? Be honest and don’t make excuses.

If the answer is ‘yes,’ it’s time to begin implementing coping strategies. This can help you to bring back your confidence.

How Can You Cope With Gaslighting?

Once you identify that you’re a victim of gaslighting, it’s important that you know what to do about it. Here, we’re going to discuss some ways that you can cope with having been gaslit. Read on for the most important things you can do to help yourself heal.

Don’t Second Guess Your Memory

Gaslighters love to make you question your memory. They love to sow the seeds of doubt until you no longer feel in control of your thoughts or your mind. One of the biggest impacts of this is that you no longer will trust your memory. This makes sense considering that they’ve told you over and over again that it’s failing you.

While it’s easier said than done, the first step towards healing is learning to trust your memory again. If you recall something happening, it probably did.

For a bit of additional validation, keep a daily journal of things that happen. When you begin to doubt something took place, look in the journal. The event will be right there and you’ll immediately have validated yourself!

Getting support from loved ones is critical in the healing process, but affirmation also needs to come from within. Next time you feel like asking another person (such as your gaslighter) to validate a thought or memory, look inward. Take a moment to affirm it for yourself instead of seeking external validation.

Practicing mindfulness is a great way to get in touch with your own mind as well. You’ve been through a terrible ordeal, so it’s only natural that you have a lot of feelings to process.

Let yourself experience both positive and negative emotions. Once you get in tune with these feelings, you can record them in your journal to become more in touch with them. This will teach you to identify and cope with your feelings and become more in touch with your mind and memory.

Stand Up for Yourself

Quashing doubt is a great way to support yourself internally. But what about showing your abuser that you respect yourself? What about eliminating all doubt that your memories, thoughts, feelings, and opinions are valid?

That will take a bit of work. Standing up for yourself is difficult, especially when you live with a gaslighter. However, it’s necessary, and it will likely show your abuser that you aren’t going to stand for their games anymore.

Some examples of things you could say include:

  • “That isn’t how I remember things.”
  • “That happened. I remember it happening.”
  • “Do not lie to me.”
  • “I remember that you said (x) on (y) occasion.”
  • “My feelings and perception of this situation are valid.”

It’s natural that you might struggle with saying these things at the beginning of your healing process. However, a professional can help.

Get Professional Help

No matter what you choose to do about the abuse, professional help for gaslighting is essential. A therapist can help you practice mindfulness and monitor your progress as you learn to validate yourself internally.

A professional can:

  • Help you hold your ground by refusing to take responsibility what the gaslighter has done
  • Ensure that you remember the facts and hold true to your truth
  • Assist you in fighting back on your own terms
  • Help you choose your battles
  • Go over your journal (if you want) and assess progress
  • Provide you with mindfulness activities

If you are forced to co-parent with your former gaslighter, professional help is even more important. A therapist can help you navigate the ins and outs of communicating with them. They also can help you to maintain your sanity when doing so.

Leave ASAP

Assuming that you aren’t already in the process of getting a divorce, you should leave the persistent gaslighter.

Pack up your things, walk out the door, and turn to supportive loved ones. Talk to a therapist. Never look back.

If there are kids involved, however, this may be more of a challenge. You still should separate, though, because your well-being is also a priority. You simply may need some professional tools to help you along.

2house’s platform allows you to communicate with the person you’re separating from about the welfare of your child. It’s optimized to help you organize the care and protect the well-being of your child while still letting you maintain distance from your ex. This distance is a good idea for most separated couples, but when dealing with someone who gaslit you, it’s essential.

Learn More

Being the victim of gaslighting is both painful and challenging. However, if you know where to look for help, you can begin to heal.

We’re happy to discuss your individual situation with you and point you in the direction of professional help. We also have many tools that help you manage your time and communication as you go through a divorce, including calendar, finance, and messaging applications.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!

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How to Be a Great Co-Parent With an Ex (When You Still Have Feelings)

Co-parenting with someone you still love

Relationships aren’t built overnight. All lovers create a story filled with moments that once had so much meaning. But not all relationships last. 

And once they’re over, sometimes the thought of your ex makes you angry, but sometimes you mourn the loss of your lover. 

This powerplay of emotions is worse if you and your ex have a child together. As co-parents, the two of you are bound together—whether you like it or not.

The fall of a relationship is painful and sad. When there are children in the mix, the situation can become even more emotional, even volatile. 

So, how do you move on from heartbreak and effectively co-parent with an ex?

Keep reading for some tips on managing the conflict and pain associated with a break-up so you can be the best parent to your child.

Take Time to Heal

While some people break up amicably, no break-up is ever mutual. Someone will always be more hurt than the other, even if the decision to end the relationship was a logical one.

If you’re hurting from a breakup, it might feel impossible to raise a child with the one person in the world who loves your child as much as you do. 

It’s essential that you take time to heal.

Usually, a breakup requires space. Taking time away from each other, letting the metaphorical scrapes and cuts heal will slowly make your relationship better. 

You must be okay with lessened contact and communication—aside from the conversations regarding your child. The awkwardness will pass, even if there are negative feelings in the meantime.

You should be kind and supportive to your ex, but it’s acceptable to not be best friends. It doesn’t mean you won’t get there in the future.

What Does Effective Co-Parenting Look Like?

In a healthy co-parenting situation, both parents are involved in the child’s day-to-day life. Co-parents communicate effectively and share the responsibilities of parenting—including the financial, logistical, and emotional ones.

To be a good co-parent, you must communicate respectfully when hurdles come up and work together in the best interest of your child.

In most healthy co-parenting relationships, parents allow each other to express their own parenting style when they are with their child.

Co-parenting doesn’t have a definition—it’s more of a lifestyle. It’s communicating and collaborating with your ex in a way that is peaceful, respectful, fair, and with your child’s wellbeing in mind.

Boundaries Are Essential

It’s common for people to change after a separation. When you are forced to move on from a relationship, you have to unlearn your former partner.

Things that used to be your business aren’t anymore. You don’t have the right to ask personal questions, and you’re not entitled to the answers to the personal questions you do ask.

In the beginning, it’s best to limit any conversation to those about your child. As time goes on and you share endearing or funny stories about your child, you will naturally begin to feel like friends again. Just don’t expect this to come immediately.

Your former spouse doesn’t need to know if you’re going on a date or if you’ve got a new hair cut. They don’t need to know anything that doesn’t pertain to your child, and neither do you. 

Put simply, you’re entitled to your privacy. And so is your ex. Try hard not to blur the lines with your ex. Parenting alone is hard, especially when you’re hurting, but it’s essential to move on and be separate people. 

Remember That You’re Family

Maybe it doesn’t sound ideal right now, but like it or not, your former spouse will always be family. 

Because you have a child between the two of you, you need to embrace them as family, as well as any new partners that come into the picture. If you can, be friendly and respectful to their new partner. 

At the end of the day, you want your child to look around and be surrounded by people who only want to see them succeed. So, settle in. Do what you can to be together around your child. If the wounds aren’t too fresh, schedule family nights—play games, take walks, keep it light—and make it consistent.

Communicate as a Team

While it might be hard to have conversations with your ex after a difficult breakup, try to take the emotion out of the conversation. Disagreements will arise, and it’s vital to keep heated moments behind closed doors and away from your child. 

If you know you’re going to have a difficult conversation, schedule it in advance and meet at a neutral location. 

And if a conversation can’t wait, only communicate in front of your kids if you can do it wisely. If you’re capable of working things out amicably, it can be good for your child to see you working through a disagreement together. 

Above all, remember never to get personal and be respectful to one another. 

Be Flexible and Accessible

Again and again, you will hear that consistency is key. It’s true, you should strive to make your child feel stable during shaky times. However, you should also be flexible. 

When you request a change to the schedule, give your ex the benefit of the doubt when it comes to forgiveness and scheduling. This means you should switch days when necessary, welcome your ex to family events, and invite them to your child’s important events—even if it hurts to do so.

Always make an effort to stick to the schedule, but be open to change, especially if it’s easy to accommodate. Don’t deny your ex time just to be difficult because one day you might need their kindness in the same situation.

You should also try to be available to your ex, even if your instinct tells you to ignore their attempts at conversation. Don’t inconvenience yourself to take their call every time if you’re not available, but pick up the phone when you can. 

Your child will appreciate seeing the two of you communicating efficiently, respectfully, and kindly. 

Navigate Conversations With Your Child Carefully

It’s absolutely essential that parents don’t speak ill—or allow a third-party to speak negatively—about each other. It’s easy to get nasty and want to get even by insulting your ex behind their back, but the consequences to your child are potentially huge.

Each time you speak negatively around your child about someone else, you’re setting an example for them. You might also be making them feel insecure, as many children see themselves as a blend of their parents. If you and your ex openly hate each other, it drains your child’s self-worth.

When parenting alone, it can be tempting to talk to your children as if you’re friends—discussing adult topics such as parenting plans and money, and throwing ideas at the wall with them. While you should give your children room to make decisions, their freedom to choose should be limited. 

Let your child pick out their clothes, but don’t let them make big decisions such as where they will live and when. Giving a child too much power actually has a negative effect on them—they can begin to feel guilty or anxious. 

Find a Support Network

When tensions are running high while co-parenting, it’s vital to have a support network to help you navigate difficult times. 

Confide in a friend who can help you see both sides clearly, seek out the advice of a trusted religious leader, or join a supportive Facebook group. 

Whatever is happening in your life, you’re not alone, and you might find comfort in talking to others who are in the same situation.

Use Tech to Your Advantage

Co-parenting and technology go hand-in-hand. When raising kids in two households, technology keeps things easy and interesting. 

For example, you can set up a digital diary for your ex and you to share. Write notes about cute things your child does or funny things they say. Add photos and thoughts from two different perspectives—you can even add voice messages or videos. The possibilities are endless.

You can also take advantage of video-call apps such as Skype, Hangout, and FaceTime. These apps are useful in long-distance co-parenting situations. The long-distance parent can be a part of your child’s daily life. Call them during bedtime or during trips to school in the car.

As your child observes you having conversations about everyday life with your ex, this will ensure him or her that you’re on the same team. They don’t need to know how complicated it is to co-parent—just show them that you’re trying. 

Finally, try installing a co-parenting app that allows you and your ex to coordinate calendars, expenses, schedule switches, and more. By getting organized and staying on top of medical records, child-related finances, and more, you’ll always know what’s around the corner. You’ll be more confident in conversations with your ex if there is a disagreement. 

Get a Co-Parenting Agreement

If you find that you’re having trouble communicating with your ex, try asking an attorney to draft a co-parenting or custody plan. You can also draft one yourself if you feel comfortable doing so. 

Then, you can keep this document between the two of you or file it with the court system. It’s a plan that serves as a friendly reminder that you have promised each other to raise your child in a way that benefits them the most. 

A co-parenting agreement serves as a contract that addresses how both parents should behave toward each other and their children. This is in an effort to raise healthy, happy kids.

What’s Addressed in a Co-Parenting Plan?

If you’re filing for custody, the court may ask for a plan that includes an agreement upon the following issues:

  • Regular time-sharing schedule
  • Holiday and summer time-sharing schedules
  • Child support
  • Payment of child care and extracurricular activities
  • Payment of children’s health insurance and medical expenses
  • Restrictions on how far the parents can live from one another
  • Keeping each parent informed about important issues affecting the child
  • Sharing decisions about religious education

You can tweak a co-parenting plan to include other issues, such as:

  • Access to other relatives
  • Rights of first refusal
  • Use of a shared calendar or co-parenting app
  • Transportation costs
  • Meeting locations
  • Co-parenting communication (i.e. the number of hours each parent has to respond to communication)
  • Time-sharing for life events

If you’re wondering whether something is important to include, you should probably include it. Add anything else you and your ex typically argue about so that it’s clear and in writing to refer to when emotions run high.

Co-Parenting With Feelings Is Possible

At one point in time, you and your ex loved each other enough to have a child together. Sometimes things don’t work out between people, and while that’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t be the end of the world for your child. 

You must embrace the fact that you’re separated and have to maintain a relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You are bound together forever through the child you made together.

Learn how to let go and be a responsible co-parent so that you can raise a happy child.

2houses is an app that can help you improve your family life by offering various tools and services related to co-parenting success. You can manage shared expenses, use a shared interface to send secure messages, log medical information, and more.

If you need help navigating your co-parenting relationship with your ex, consider downloading 2houses and using it as a hub for all things co-parenting.

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Maintaining Mental Health as a Single Parent During COVID-19

Mental health sigle parent

Much of the focus when it comes to the COVID-19 pandemic, which has been one of the defining factors of 2020, is physical health. We’ve heard a lot about possible symptoms, long-term effects, death rates and how to best protect yourself and those around you. But what about mental health? This pandemic has meant a huge shift in daily life, changing everything from how we grocery shop to how we do our jobs, and nothing has been left untouched. As a single parent, it can be even harder trying to deal with all of the changes, uncertainties and struggles alone. If you feel like your mental health has taken a hit in 2020, you’re not alone. Find out more about how the issues surrounding the pandemic are affecting mental health and what you can do to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

How the Pandemic Has Affected Mental Health

Both the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control have noted that the pandemic and the measures people are being asked to do to combat its spread is having a serious mental health impact for many people. At the very forefront, there is the fear that comes from a new virus making its way through the human population. When the virus was first discovered, scientists didn’t yet know what its effect might be, how it spread or how long the incubation or recovery periods might be. Understandably, this led to many people experiencing fear and anxiety as they worried whether they would get infected or what would happen to the people they loved.

As scientists began to understand more about the virus, the world started to go into action to contain it and slow the spread. In the United States, this led to travel bans, mandatory business closings, K-12 schools being moved to remote learning and stay-at-home and quarantine orders. There were also areas that experienced widespread food and supply shortages. These major changes happening all at once only increased the anxiety and fear for many people, and for those who were now experiencing issues getting basic necessities, the mental health toll was even more severe. The closings also meant that many people were out of work, creating financial catastrophes — and even more stress — in the process.

Another key piece of the mental health aspect of COVID-19 is that quarantine measures and stay-at-home orders meant that many people were also suddenly extremely isolated from their support systems, such as friends, family members (who may have also acted as child care), churches and counselors. This isolation sparked an increase in anxiety and depression. For many, it was a double-edge sword, with less support but more expectations and pressure when it came to working from home and trying to take care of children and home responsibilities while also being available for video conferencing during business hours.

Even as many people have returned to work or started to adjust to life with the virus, there is still a large amount of uncertainty that looms ahead. How will this affect my co-parenting? What will school look like in the fall? What will happen when flu season comes around? Will there be a vaccine? Not knowing what’s coming down the road can be just as anxiety producing as dealing with something that is happening now, and all of this takes a huge toll on mental health.

Particular Struggles for Single Parents

While virtually no one has been left unchanged by the pandemic, single parents have been one of the hardest hit demographics when it comes to how much their lives have been disrupted. Single parents are usually the sole incomes for their households, which means if they were laid off or furloughed because of business closings, it had serious financial implications for their families. 

Single parents also rely on school and daycare for childcare, so even those whose employers stayed open may not have been able to continue working because of childcare issues. Those who were able to work at home remotely now faced the stress trifecta of taking care of children, working from home and trying to maintain the house — all alone as the only adult. 

Single parents have also faced outside pressure about taking children with them to grocery shops and not being able to juggle everything perfectly all the time. All of this can lead to chronic stress and anxiety as parents try to make sense of the information coming from the government and news media sources and try to make decisions that are in the best interests for the safety and well-being of their children. This has led many to put their own well-being, mentally, emotionally and physically, on the back burner — as single parents so often do.

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself

It’s clear from all sides that COVID-19 has had serious mental health implications for many people. However, it also looks like this virus is going to be around for at least the near future, so how can single parents continue to take steps to protect their mental health as we continue to see what the future will bring? These four tips can give you a starting place to start prioritizing your mental health on a daily basis.

1. Take an Inventory of Responsibilities

No matter what your children may think, you are not Superman or Wonder Woman. You cannot do it all — or at least not well — and realizing this is the first step toward less stress and better mental health. Carve out some time to have a meeting with the CEO of your family (that’s you), even if it has to be early in the morning before the kids wake up, late at night after they’re in bed or on your lunch hour. Make a list of everything (yes, everything!) that you have to do. Don’t forget things that may not be every day such as scheduling car maintenance or having a quarterly performance review with your boss. Consider organizing the list by home, work and child-related responsibilities, so you have a big-picture overview of everything that is on your plate right now. If this seems overwhelming, that’s because it probably is! But in the next steps, we’re going to discuss how to start trimming this list back into something more manageable.

2. Remove and Delegate Whatever You Can

Chances are, as a single parent, you already had a lot on your plate before a global pandemic arrived on the scene. If you feel like you’re running around trying to keep a million plates spinning, it might be time to let a few drop — even if that means that they shatter. Take that list you made from the above step and see if there is anything you can delegate to someone else or remove altogether. 

For example, if you have school-aged children, they are more than capable of helping with the household chores. Small children can dust baseboards and wipe down surfaces, while older kids can do dishes and laundry. This might seem small, but it could be enough to build some space into your life. You may also find some things on this list that you don’t actually need to be doing. Maybe you have a standing call with your sister on Friday mornings that is just a rehash of everything COVID that is doing more harm than help. 

3. Recognize That Your Self-Care May Not Look Like Someone Else’s

Self-care is a buzzword of the 21st century, but it is actually something that can make all the difference in your life. It’s easy as a single parent to always put your own needs and personhood on the back burner, but this isn’t healthy. It’s important to make time for yourself to help you recharge so you can better be there for the rest of your family. 

Social media and society would like to tell you that self-care should be hour-long bubble baths, expensive massages or a new painting hobby. However, this isn’t necessarily true. What you’re really trying to do with self-care is to come out of it feeling like you have a little more clarity and energy. Maybe this does mean a bath or massage for you, but it could just as easily mean watching your favorite TV show with snacks you don’t have to share or writing short stories for fun. 

4. Remember That These Are Extraordinary Times

No matter how hard you try, there will still be things that fall through the cracks or days where you feel like you can’t keep going. It’s important to remember that this is a major, once-every-hundred years event, and it’s OK — and totally normal even — to be struggling. As long as your children are healthy and reasonably happy, you’re doing a fantastic job, and that’s something that deserves to be recognized and celebrated.