Category: Co-parenting

Perhaps one of the most challenging conversations you’ll have as a separating parent is with your children. Throughout their lives, you’ve made their wellbeing a priority. Coming to them with news of your breakup may be emotionally devastating. But regardless of how well you know your children, their reactions may still surprise you. Try to keep the conversation age-appropriate. Remind your children that their parents’ divorce does not mean the loss of their family.

Have the Conversation as a Family

Your children should all be part of the conversation. Try to sit down with your spouse and all of your kids at the same time to discuss the divorce. By presenting a united front with your spouse, you minimize tension and prevent feelings of resentment towards one parent or the other. You want to reassure your children the break up is not their fault and that they will remain loved. The feeling of togetherness of a group talk supports this idea that they are not losing the people closest to them.

Prepare Your Main Messages Beforehand

In the moment, you may forget to tell your children what they most need to hear. That’s why you and your spouse should jot down the key things you want to say. In part, this can be things such as, “we have tried to fix our problems, but it hasn’t worked,” “you will always be loved, now just in two houses instead of one,” “we are still a family even though we no longer live together” and “you didn’t do anything to cause this to happen.” You can introduce them to the 2houses site and explain how the family will remain connected.

Remain Aware of Your Child’s Concerns

The age of your children determines how they see the world. As a result, what worries them most will depend on their stage of development. A preschooler is still largely dependent on her parents and may need reassurance they will still be fed, cared for and played with. As kids get a bit older, they are more aware of their feelings. They may have important social connections outside the family, so they may be concerned about moving or going to a new school.

Listen Actively to Their Questions

The conversation should leave ample time for questions. You may have to encourage your children, whatever their age, to ask whatever is on their minds. These questions may provide greater insight into your children’s world and may bring up issues you have not yet resolved. Your children may ask anything from what caused the breakup to whether the siblings will still live together and where the pets will reside. Be honest, but don’t overwhelm children with too much information. Always circle back to key issues of support, comfort and reassurance regardless of the challenging questions.

Keep the Conversation Going

After you’ve told your children that you are going to divorce, there will be a transition period of many months. Depending on the circumstances, you and your spouse may continue to live together for a period of time or one spouse may move out immediately. It may be a while before co parenting schedules are finalized, placing additional uncertainty and stress on the children. Using 2houses, the family can start to work out the details of new schedules and find out what works for everyone.

Because these changes directly impact your children’s day-to-day lives, it’s essential to do what you can to maintain their stability. Make them feel safe and reassure them you are always available to talk about what’s going on. Together, you can ease into your new lives while helping your children maintain their emotional health. In an ideal world, all they need to worry about is growing up.

After a divorce, you have to try to regain a normal life. This includes getting your personal life and your professional life back together. Despite anything you may be going through, you can’t let your work and home life suffer. In particular, you need to focus on keeping your children’s lives as stable as possible. This might seem a bit overwhelming, but with a few tips and the right tools, you can reconcile your professional and private life even when you’re separated.

Private Life

Your private life describes anything having to do with your family such as your children, your ex partner, your friends, your home and etc. It’s easy to let your personal life get away from you a bit during your split up. To keep on the right track, make sure you continue to schedule time to be with your friends. A lady’s or man’s night out might be just what you need to get back into the groove of socializing. Plus, it’s an excellent way to keep your mind off occupied. Make sure you call up your friends still on a regular basis, so you don’t lose touch with them while you’re focusing on your life. Don’t forget about your family either. They can make this process easier on you. Find a family friendly activities for you and the kids to do, which will be good for both of you. Your kids will enjoy a little bit extra of your time.

Professional Life

Your professional life includes every aspect of your job from the actual work part to the lunches you take. A separation may lead to you not performing on the job as well as you did before the breakup. You may not feel the urge to go out with co-workers or participate in events held by the company. The best thing you can do is to participate and get involved. Keep your mind active, and your attention geared toward the positive. Use your break to vent. Try writing in a journal during your 30-minute or 15-minute break to keep your emotions in check, so you don’t feel the need to mix your personal life with your professional life. Maybe use your commute to work as your time to think about everything, so you avoid bringing your personal life into the workplace. Promise yourself to leave your feelings at the door, meaning as soon as you walk in, your thoughts automatically convert to business.

Balancing Your Children and the Rest of Your Life

Once you go through the process of separation, you’ll need to learn to get your life back on track along with learning to deal with your professional and personal life with your children who need you more than ever right now. Firstly, schedule dinner time every night for you to sit down as a family and stay connected. You’ll feel better and so will your children. The next order of business you need to consider is that you may be responsible for more now that you have the kids by yourself for at least a few days.

Fortunately, 2houses has a calendar to keep everything from your children’s life to your private and professional life in order. 2houses also has an info bank section that allows you and your ex to create an address book and a list of medical information online for both of you to be able to view and edit, making it easier for you to juggle everything. You’re able to share documents as well.

With so much going on, you might feel a bit overwhelmed. Everything will get back to order in due time. Most importantly, by take time out for yourself and using 2houses, you’ll have the ability to maintain balance. So do not hesitate to check it now, it’s free!

Divorce is an unfortunate event that some families have to overcome. The separation of the parents isn’t just about the parents; it has a huge impact on the children as well. The feelings of negativity and resentment between a former couple can make the children uncomfortable and make the adjustment to the separation even more difficult. This is why it’s so vital for you to put aside your feelings for the children.

1. Never vent to your children

Your children do not want to hear how their father is a lying, cheating, so and so… They don’t want to hear how you’re sick of their mother bringing her boyfriend to pick up the children. Remember, they’re going through a lot right now, and if you have nothing nice to say about your ex-partner, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. You don’t want to negatively influence your children’s feelings for their other parent.

2. Get your frustration out somewhere

Yes, you probably still have hurt feelings over the break up. You may cry yourself to sleep every night and wish nothing but bad on your former lover. However, you should take your frustrations out before you have to meet up with your ex. This means you shouldn’t remind your ex about everything wrong he did and that’s why the children should come to your house for the holidays. If you have to, start boxing or doing some other form of exercise to release stress. Talk to a therapist, friend or family member if you have to, but make sure you direct your anger at someone or something else other than your ex.

3. Focus on the kids

Keep reminding yourself that you must be civil for the kids. When you speak to their other parent, don’t even mention anything about the time you spent together. Instead, keep the conversation on issues related to the children such as their education and who will pick them up from their friends’ houses this weekend.

4. Ask don’t demand

Nobody likes to be told what they have to do, especially by a former partner. Always begin conversations where you want something with a question. For instance, say, “Is it okay if I take the kids this weekend and you take them next weekend?”

5. Compromise

No matter what your sentiments about your ex are, always be willing to compromise. You don’t need to fight battles about little issues like bedtimes or when they do their homework. However, with bigger issues, you’ll need to come to an agreement and that requires you both to give a little.

6. Keep the other parent in the loop

Put aside your feelings of hostility and tell your ex what happens with the children. While you might not want your ex hubby going to a school play with his new squeeze, he should still know about it. It’s not fair to him or the kids not to let him know.

While this may not sound like it’s in your best interest, it really is. Your children are your primary focus and you don’t want to do anything that could sever a relationship with them, even if it means being nice to someone who hurt you.

The summer break is over and going back to school can be stressful not only for children, but for parents who are separated too! Here are a few tips to make going back to school as smooth as possible…

1) Establish a regular routine

Everyone relaxes during the summer break – we don’t eat at regular times, go to bed late and are free to do as we please. Sophie Dierick, a teacher and separated mom of 2 teenagers, is convinced that “a lot of stress and conflicts could be avoided if parents were stricter on kids going back to school”. The first piece of advice is therefore to progressively regulate your child’s routine by, for example, bringing bedtime forward by 15 minutes every day in the week before they go back to school and suggesting some intellectual activities (reading, puzzles, etc.).

2) Plan your back-to-school expenses

Review the situation with your co-parent: what does your child need in both houses? Are there any shared expenses? Can anything be reused? Think outside the box: going back to school isn’t just about buying school stationery, but also renewing bus passes, sorting their wardrobe, replacing old trainers and even budgeting an allowance for school dinners. Avoid peak times when planning your purchases or, better still, buy everything online! Don’t forget to discuss your respective expenses as well as your views on how these should be allocated.

3) Find an extracurricular activity

Extracurricular activities, such as plays, music, sports and scouting, are vital in helping a child build their self-confidence and channel their energy. Find out in advance about activities in your area that your son or daughter would like. Add any subscription fees and doctor’s visits for medical certificates to your shared custody schedule.

4) Put their mind at ease by keeping things tidy

A tidy and well-stocked desk can also motivate your child to get back into the school mindset! If your child is old enough for homework, it is important to show them that you want to help them work comfortably by setting up a quiet area, away from any distractions. Having a tidy backpack in class will also reassure them. Our teacher can’t stress this enough: “On the first day back at school, children need to have all the necessary supplies. If they don’t, they will slow down the group and this will scare them, especially the little ones.”

5) Update your diaries

Doctors, coaches, the parents of their (new) best friend… Have you added all those handy telephone numbers to your address book? A shared diary for separated parents means this information can be accessed stress-free at any time!

Do you have any other tips for making going back to school easy for your child and co-parent? Share them in our comments section!

©2013, 2houses the co-parenting facilitator.

Thousands of kids experience the stress of divorce each year. How they’ll react depends on their age, personality, and the particular circumstances of the separation and divorce process.

Every divorce will have an effect on the kids involved — and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration, anger, or worry. But kids can also come out of it better able to cope with stress, and many become more flexible, tolerant young adults.

The most important things that both parents can do to help kids through this difficult time are:

• Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.
• Minimize the disruptions to kids’ daily routines.
• Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.
• Keep each parent involved in the kids’ lives.

Most adults going through separation and divorce need support — from friends, professionals, clergy, and family. Don’t seek support from your kids, even if they seem to want you to.

Breaking the News

As soon as you’re certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart. Although there’s no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents present for this conversation. It’s important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you’re going to manage telling your kids so you don’t become upset or angry during the talk.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to a child’s age, maturity, and temperament, be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and is not the kids’ fault. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. So it’s vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance.

Tell your kids that sometimes adults change the way they love each other or can’t agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that kids and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Parents and kids often don’t agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give kids enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids don’t need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It’s enough for them just to understand what will change in their daily routine, and — just as important — what will not.

With younger kids, it’s best to keep it simple. You might say something like: “Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don’t fight so much, but we both love you very much.”

Older kids and teens may be more in tune with what parents have been going through, and may have more questions based on what they’ve overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights.

Handling Kids’ Reactions

Tell kids who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: “I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?” or “We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart.”

Not all kids react right away. Let yours know that’s OK too, and there will be other times to talk when they’re ready. Some kids try to please their parents by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your kids express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they’ll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change.

Read more on Kidshealth.org

Severe weather is something that nearly every area of the country experiences, whether it’s a tornado, hurricane or a nor’easter. While these weather patterns can be unsettling, talking about what to do in the event that severe weather strikes and planning for how to handle it can help keep your family at ease. These 21 blog entries provide some guidance for talking to kids about severe weather without scaring them, preparing for severe weather and implementing practical tips you can use to keep your family safe.

Bad Weather Fears

According to Dr. Amador, psychologist, it’s important to discuss severe weather with your children to make sure they understand the truth about storms. When kids don’t know what to expect they tend to immediately start dreaming up the worst case scenario. Talking things through before they happen can help alleviate this so that everyone stays calm if and when severe weather strikes. These seven blog articles will help you talk to your kids about severe weather.

• Thunderphobia: Mayo Experts Offer Tips to Help Children Conquer Severe Weather Fears Here you’ll find advice from the doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN regarding how to help your kids overcome their fear of thunder and bad weather.
• Dr. Amador: Talking to Our Kids about the Oklahoma Tornado Tragedy This doctor feels that it’s important to talk about tornadoes with your kids, and she explains the best way to handle that conversation.
• 10 Tips for Talking to Kids about Severe Weather Read through this blog post to learn how you should best explain severe weather to your kids.
• 5 Tips to Help Your Child’s Severe Weather Fears—Parent Society Discover the best way to address your child’s questions about if bad weather will happen in your town.
• Talking to Kids about Tornadoes and Ways to Help Oklahoma Learn the answers to several pertinent questions that kids may have about tornadoes.
• Talking with Your Kids about the Tornado… This is a very moving article written by someone close to the tragedy in Oklahoma that contains good advice for talking to kids.
• Coping with Autism—6 Tips for Dealing with Uncertainty and Natural Disasters If you have an autistic child or know one, you should read this blog post.

How to Prepare

Preparing for severe weather as a family can provide reassurance that you have a plan that will keep your family safe.  In these seven blog entries you will find suggestions on how to prepare for severe weather of all kinds.

• Josie Loza: Helping Kids Prepare for Bad Weather Suggestions to limit exposure to the news and get your kids to help you form an emergency plan can be found in this post.
• Severe Weather Preparedness Week: Talking About Preparedness with Kids Find information about the Red Cross’ Flat Stanley and Flat Stella program.
• Preparing Your Family for Severe Weather in Southeast Michigan You don’t have to live in Michigan to reap the benefits of this post, which reviews a helpful list of items for an emergency kit.
• Talk About Tornadoes: How to Prepare Your Family for Storm Season at Home or School Make sure you know your school’s emergency plan and that you have one in place at home.
• Severe Weather and Tornado Preparedness This blog article is about North Texas, but it lists important ways to be prepared that would be true for any situation.
• 10 Severe Weather Prep Tips From weather radios to food and blankets, this list includes it all.
• Moms Talk: Preparing Your Family for Severe Weather This post shares viewpoints from three moms on how they handle severe weather with their families.

Tips for Severe Weather

By going over safety tips with your child, he will get a better understanding of what positive things you can do to stay safe.  These tips may also prompt your child to ask questions. Be sure to answer his questions in a calm and reassuring manner.  The more prepared for a storm that you are, the better your child will be when severe weather strikes.

• Safety Tips for Severe Weather & Tornadoes Have a plan before the storm sirens go off so that everyone knows what to do.
• Severe Weather Tips Facts versus myths are shared on this blog article, along with other tips.
• Residents in the Path of Severe Weather Urged to Include Pets in Disaster Plans In this post, the Humane Society reminds everyone to take their pet into the safe room too.
• Tornado Expert Explains What to Do When Severe Weather Strikes Listen to a weather expert explain what you should do in a severe weather situation.
• Safety Tips for Severe Weather Take a look at this list of supplies that you should include in your safety bag.
• Tornado Preparedness Tips from Ready.gov After a storm, check for gas leaks and loose power lines to make sure your home is safe to stay in.
• Dauphin County Commissioners Offer Safety Tips for National Severe Weather Preparedness WeekThis blog article recommends having an emergency kit and gives other ways to stay safe during and after the storm.

Read more

Determining custody can be a difficult, technically challenging, and extremely emotional part of the divorce process.  This is especially true if the parents involved cannot agree, or if the case is particularly contentious.

It is helpful for parents to have a better grasp of the basics of custody and visitation so they can approach these issues with a clear understanding of the legal parameters, potential outcomes, and important considerations when attempting to reach an agreement with a co-parent or litigating a custody dispute.

What follows is a basic outline geared toward parents for that purpose.  Keep in mind that state laws vary and that this post is not intended as legal advice.  Before entering into any agreement, or becoming involved in litigation, you should consult with an attorney.

What does “custody” mean?

In our every-day use, custody refers to where a child resides.  While the legal system also uses the word custody to refer to the physical residence of a child, it may also refer to which of the parents has the legal right to make major decisions for the child’s welfare, health, and general well-being.  These decisions include significant choices for the child, such as religious upbringing, schooling, and major, non-emergency medical decisions.

What this means is that you may hear lawyers, judges and others in the legal system referring to “legal custody,” which is the decision-making authority, and “physical custody,” which is where the child resides.

How is physical custody determined?

Courts take into account many factors when reaching a decision about where a child should reside and what visitation arrangements should be made.  While these factors may vary from state to state and their individual importance will be decided on a case-by-case basis, the overriding concern of the court, and parents, is the best interests of the child or children in question.

It is also important to know that in many states, physical custody is divided into “sole,” or “primary” physical custody, meaning that one parent has the majority of time with the children; and “shared,” or “joint” physical custody, meaning that the parents share roughly equal time with the children.  These terms are also subject to interpretation and may carry with them important ramifications for other issues, such as child support, which are not discussed in this post.  Often, the physical custody determination in a given case will have a profound impact on the parties’ child support obligations.

Courts often look at the fitness of the parents when making their decision. This includes factors such as:

• their character and reputation;
• the desires of the parents and what previous agreements they have entered into;
• the potential to maintain familial relationships;
• the preferences of the children (particularly of those children who are older);
• material opportunities affecting the future of the children;
• the health, age and gender of the children;
• the geographical distance between the parents’ homes, and the opportunities for visitation with either parent;
• the length of any separation from one parent or the other; and
• any previous voluntary abandonment of the children by one parent or the other.

As mentioned, these factors will be given different weight in every case, and there are others which a given set of circumstances may require consideration.  In every case, whether decided by a judge, a mediator, or by the parties themselves, the chief concern will be the best interests of the children.

How is legal custody determined?

Like physical custody, legal custody is typically determined by balancing a host of factors.  Again, the overriding concern of parents, lawyers and judges will be the best interests of the children in question.

The concept of legal custody can be understood as being “joint” or “sole.”  In a joint legal custody arrangement, the parties are expected to communicate with one another and reach a mutually agreed upon decision regarding the major issues affecting their children’s health, welfare and well-being.  If one parent is awarded sole legal custody, that parent has the sole right to make those decisions for the children.

There may also be a hybrid arrangement of joint and sole custody, wherein one party is awarded tie-breaking authority. This would matter in the event that the parents cannot reach a decision jointly, after they have discussed a decision for the child but still do not agree.

Again, legal custody refers to the authority to make decisions on behalf of the child which pertain to significant life events, like where the child attends school, their religious training, and similar decisions, not day-to-day questions of parental authority.

Courts typically consider the following factors when determining legal custody:

• the capacity of the parents to communicate with one another;
• the willingness of the parents to share legal custody;
• the fitness of each parent;
• the children’s preference;
• the potential disruption to the social or school life of the children;
• proximity of the parent’s homes;
• the demands of each parent’s employment;
• the age and number of children;
• the sincerity of each parent’s request for legal custody;
• the financial status of each parent; and
• the impact on state or other assistance.

As with the physical custody factors, specific cases will call for individual evaluations of each of these, and potentially other, factors.

As you can see, many of the factors used to determine legal or physical custody overlap.  This is because these concepts, while separate, are often linked, both in the way we think of them and the way that a court, or the parents themselves, may reach a determination of where a child will reside and who will have decision-making authority.

For instance, if one parent is awarded primary physical custody, and therefore have the children residing with them for the majority of the time, it may be impractical to award the other parent sole legal custody, because those decisions regarding the child’s religious upbringing and schooling may potentially impact the child’s daily schedule and where he or she may need to be transported.

The best interests of the children

In every case, the focus of any determination of custody, physical or legal, is going to be what is best for the children involved.  Each of the considerations mentioned above, and others which may be important to any given set of circumstances, will always be examined through the lens of what will best serve the children.

While custody disputes are often emotionally trying cases, with an understanding of the considerations involved and keeping in mind that the children’s best interests will always be the paramount concern of the legal system, parents can work together or with their legal representatives for the best outcome for their children.

About the Author

Benjamin Marcoux is a family law attorney at Houlon Bergman, Finci, Levenstein, & Skok.

He specializes in civil litigation, collaborative law, wills, and probate and has been selected as a Super Lawyers Rising Star in both 2012 and 2013.

Connect with Benjamin Marcoux on Google+ or LinkedIn.

Having high self-esteem is something that everyone needs, but something that is not necessarily easy to come by. Children especially need help developing high self-esteem, because low self-esteem can manifest into problems such as depression, eating disorders and, in extreme cases, even suicide. As a parent, one of your many jobs relating to your child is to help build up your child’s self-esteem. It’s important to really listen to your child and value what he is saying. You also want to avoid criticizing or belittling your child, as this can lay the groundwork for low self-esteem. Teach by example; by showing your child that you have strong self-esteem you can pave the way for him to follow in your footsteps. These 20 blog articles will give you the tools you need to help improve your child’s self-esteem.

Techniques

Showing pride in your child’s accomplishments will help him feel pride in himself. Listen and respect your child when he’s talking to you, just as you would want him to respect you when you are talking. Empower your child by giving him choices and letting him run with whatever he chooses.  These five blog posts will explain different techniques that can help you improve your child’s self-esteem.

• How to Improve a Child’s Self-Esteem You’ll find advice and suggestions on how to help improve your child’s self-esteem in this post.
• Self-Esteem in Children: Are You Damaging Your Children’s Self-Esteem? Ask yourself the questions posed in this blog post to see if you need to make a change in your behavior.
• How to Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem Follow this list of techniques to help your child improve how he sees himself.
• Stop and Listen to Children Show your child respect and he will respect himself.
• How Parents Can Improve Their Child’s Self-Esteem? Praise your child and make sure you give him choices so that he feels empowered.

ADHD

When a child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) he may feel like there is something wrong with him when he compares himself to his peers.  As a parent, it’s important that you help your child see his ADHD in a positive way. This is another opportunity to lead by example. Learn more about how to improve the self-esteem of children with ADHD through these five posts.

• Enhancing Self-Esteem of Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder It’s not unusual for a child with ADHD to compare himself to his classmates. These comparisons can make him feel poorly, so it’s important to learn what you can do to change those feelings.
• Best Sports for Kids with ADHD Excelling in sports can improve your child’s self-esteem, as noted in this post.
• Kids and ADHD Often kids with ADHD feel that they are broken; the important task for the parent is to turn ADHD into a strength instead of a defect.
• 10 Ways Pets Improve Your Health Taking care of a pet will help a child with ADHD to be more responsible, and the love of the pet will improve his self-esteem.
• Your Brain is a Ferrari Help your child understand that his brain is a gift. When he understands that, he will be better able to work with it, allowing him to go much farther in life.

Social Skills

Children with low self-esteem often isolate themselves, which makes the situation worse. Because of this, it’s important that you help your child improve his social skills and make some friends.  Having friends will give him a better outlook on life, which will help his self-esteem improve. For more tips like these, look at these five blog posts.

• Improving a Child’s Social Skills Teaching your child how to make and keep friends will help improve self-esteem.
• Self-Esteem and Social Competence of the Adopted Child The relationship a child has with his father and his mother are important for different social reasons.
• Getting Sporty By getting involved in sports, your child will learn social skills. This can, in turn, help improve his self-esteem.
• 10 Reasons to Add a Pet to the Family this Summer There are many benefits that stem from taking care of a pet, which can help your child improve his self-esteem.
• Is My Child in Danger of Becoming a Bully Bullies often have a low self-esteem; you’ll want to watch for the warning signs outlined in this post to make sure that your child isn’t a potential bully.

Teenagers

The teenage years are formative years that can be very difficult for teenagers to navigate through. Teens are often unkind to each other, and your self-esteem can suffer when you are the one being ignored or talked.  As a parent, it’s important that you keep the lines of communication open with your teen. Try not to judge when your teen tells you what is going on with her.  Take a look at these five blog articles to read more about what you can do to help improve your teenager’s self-esteem.

• Four Helpful Thoughts for Kids & Teens to Build Self-Esteem By teaching your child to reframe negative self-talk, their self-esteem should improve.
• Improve Self-Esteem in Teenagers Sometimes self-esteem can be improved simply by spending more time with your teenager.
• Self-Esteem Building for Teens: Summer Activities Staying active and taking part in certain activities can help improve your teen’s self-esteem.
• Improving Your Teenager’s Self-Esteem With all of the changes that occur during the teenager years, it can be a difficult time to navigate through. Learning to deal with these changes can help with self-esteem.
• Improving Your Child’s Self-Esteem Through Exercise Regular exercise can improve self-image, which can go a long way to improving self-esteem.

Read more

Many of the 1.5 million children in the U.S. whose parents divorce every year feel as if their worlds are falling apart. Divorcing parents are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during this troublesome process. Some parents are so worried that they remain in unhappy marriages, believing it will protect their offspring from the trauma of divorce. Yet parents who split have reasons for hope. Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage of children experience serious problems in the wake of divorce or, later, as adults. In this column, we discuss these findings as well as factors that may protect children from the potentially harmful effects of divorce.

Rapid Recovery

Divorce affects most children in the short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year. Only a minority of kids suffer longer.

Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania State University, examined the possible effects on children several years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On average, the studies found only very small differences on all these measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce well.

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If your child hates school it is probably not his fault, nor that of his teacher, but rather it can be evidence that his brain is functioning appropriately. Healthy brains protect their owners from perceived threat. School today is stressful, often threatening, as a result of the high-stakes standardized testing that challenges students, teachers, and school administrators. There is so much information mandated as required “knowledge” for these tests (that determine federal funding), that for many children school seems more like a feedlot, force-feeding them facts without adequate time or resources to make them interesting or relevant.

Overstuffed Curriculum

Without the projects, group activities, to say nothing of the elimination of art, music, P.E., and often elementary school science, social studies, and even recess, why should a child want to be there? These classes and many enjoyable activities have been sacrificed so there is more time for the two subjects that are evaluated on those tests-math and English. Fortunately there are many wonderful, creative, and dedicated teachers, consultants, and administrators on the front line every day doing all they can to engage their students, without whom I cannot imagine how much worse things would be for the children in their charge.

The problem is worst when the district is required to stick to a rigid “teacher proof” curriculum that dictates tedious days of worksheets and nights of more of the same brain stuffing. In these cases the best teachers have less opportunity to use their skills to create the joyful, memorable learning experiences children need. The penalty for all of us is that the dropout rate has never been higher. For a child in high school now, it is more likely that his or her parents will have graduated than it is that the student will graduate high school. When surveyed as to the reason for the dropping out the overwhelming cry is BOREDOM. When asked what constitutes boredom, the two major responses are, “The material isn’t interesting” and “What we are taught has no relevance to me.”

From my perspective as a neurologist and classroom teacher, I see the blank faces, “acting out”, and zoning out and know that these are not the children’s choices. The brain evolved as an organ to promote survival of the animal and the species. Its first priority is to avoid danger. Our attention is hard-wired to alert to signals of potential danger. The most primitive parts of the brain are those that determine what gets our attention and what information gets priority entry into the brain. This attention system is essentially the same in humans as in other mammals. When the brain experiences stress that attention system is on autopilot seeking the potential threat that might be causing the emotional disturbance, and ignoring other sensory information such as lessons. Stress goes up with boredom and frustration in humans and animals. Animals restrained or understimulated “misbehave” with aggressive, destructive, and even self-mutilating behavior. The stress causes their brains to attend only to imagined or real threat. In that state behavior is no longer influenced by the higher, thinking brain. Stress takes control of the neural pathways that determine where information is processed and where behavior is controlled.‘

The same responses take place in the human brain. If children are stressed by boring lessons that have little personal relevance and by the frustration of not keeping up with the overloaded curriculum, their brains do what they are programmed to do. Input is diverted away from the thinking higher brain (the prefrontal cortex) and sent to the lower, reactive brain. In this situation, in humans as in animals, the involuntary behavioral reactions are essentially limited to three responses: Fight, Flight, or Freeze.

The reason I left my neurology practice and became a teacher was because I had a profound increase in the children referred to my practice because their teachers felt they might have attention or other neurological disorders causing them to “act out” or “zone out” in class. When I observed the joyless force-feeding of facts by teachers who were given the impossible task of cramming test material into these young brains, my heart went out both the students and their teachers. I joined their ranks, and made correlations between the neuroscience research about stress, attention, behavior, and memory, as I spent the past ten years in my classrooms and implementing strategies to promote the neuroscience of joyful learning.

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