Category: Co-parenting

Follow these guidelines to make the transition of divorce and the process of family restructuring and rebuilding easier for you and your children.

1. Divorced but still co-parents

If you have not done so already, call a truce with your Ex. (Note: Your Ex does not have to take the same action.) Divorced parents can succeed at co-parenting. That success may not begin with harmony but, at a minimum, a ceasefire is necessary.

2. You are stuck with each other forever

One day, you will be Grandma and Grandpa to the same babies. And when these babies are grown they will repeat the stories that they heard about Grandma and Grandpa. This will be your legacy. How do you want to be depicted?

3. Divorce creates a breakdown of trust and communication

Accept this and work towards rebuilding trust and communication with the other parent, even if it feels like you are doing all of the work. And, be patient, emotional wounds need time to heal.

4. Establish a business relationship with your former spouse

The business is the co-parenting of your children. Business relationships are based on mutual gain. Emotional attachments and expectations don’t work in business. Instead, in a successful business communication is up-front and direct, appointments are scheduled, meetings take place, agendas are provided, discussions focus on the business at hand, everyone is polite, formal courtesies are observed, and agreements are explicit, clear, and written. You do not need to like the people you do business with but you do need to put negative feelings aside in order to conduct business. Relating in a business-like way with your former spouse may feel strange and awkward at first so if you catch yourself behaving in an unbusiness-like way, end the conversation and continue the discussion at another time.

5. There are at least two versions to every story

Your child may attempt to slant the facts in a way that gives you what she thinks you want to hear. So give the other parent the benefit of the doubt when your child reports on extraordinary discipline and/or rewards.

6. Confirm your decisions with your ex-spouse

Do not suggest possible plans or make arrangements directly with pre-adolescent children. And, always confirm any arrangements you have discussed with an older child with the other parent ASAP.

7. Make a soft transition for the wellbeing of the children

The transition between Mom’s house and Dad’s house is often difficult. Be sure to have your children clean, fed, ready to go, and in possession of all of their paraphernalia when its time to make the switch. Better yet, if possible avoid the dreaded switch by structuring your time sharing so that weekends start Friday after school and end with school drop-off on Monday morning.

8. Make sure that your child maintains communication with his other parent

Do not screen calls from the other parent or limit telephone contact between your child and the other parent. Instead, ensure that your child is available to speak to the other parent when s/he is on the telephone.

9. Do not discuss adults subjects with your children

Do not discuss the divorce, finances, or other adult subjects with your children. Likewise, avoid saying anything negative about other parent and his/her family and friends to your children.

10. Be careful when talking in front of your child

Children are always listening – especially when you think they’re not. So, avoid discussions regarding the divorce, finances, the other parent, and other adult subjects when your children are within earshot.

11. Your children can read your emotions

Avoid using body language, facial expressions or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you!

12. Stay positive

You can discuss your feelings with your children to the extent that they can understand them. But, if you let your child know that you are terrified of the future, your child will be terrified too. Instead, keep a balanced emotional perspective that focuses on the difference between feelings and facts.

13. Do not use your child as a courier

Do not use your child as a courier for messages or money.

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Whether they are into t-rexes, fossils or the Land Before Time, most kids go through a dinosaur phase. With these exciting crafts and action packed activities, your child and their friends can have a great time romping, stomping, and roaring at a dinosaur themed birthday party.

Dino Tail Obstacle Course

Dinosaurs are known for their massive tails. In this game, your kid will see just how cumbersome they could be. To get started, you will need to mark off a path about 25 feet long and 6 feet wide. This will become an obstacle course full of objects that can easily be tipped over. For example you can arrange a bunch of empty water bottles with green paper wrapped around them as a “forest”. Or a “mountain” made out of shoeboxes standing on their side. One thing to be careful of is that the obstacle course can be set up quickly – at least a couple of objects will need to be stood back up almost every time someone goes through. The other thing you will need is a pool noodle that you can turn into a “dinosaur tail” by attaching the end of it to a child-sized belt so the end of it drags along the ground.

Divide the kids into two teams, both of which should pick dinosaur names for their groups. Then, they can take turns going through the obstacle course with the dinosaur tail strapped onto them. The catch is that they are not allowed to knock anything over, or touch their tail with their hands. Whenever a player gets through the course, that team gets 5 points. However, for each object a team member knocks over with their tail, they lose a point. To make the game more exciting, add a time limit, like 45 seconds. If the person does not finish the course in this time, they lose points for whatever they knocked over, and do not get any points for completing the course. After everyone has gone through three times, tally up the scores and see which team is the winner.

Capture the Egg

This activity is a little like capture the flag, except with some prehistoric differences. Divide an open area, like a park, into two sides. On each side, the teams should craft four “volcanoes” by piling salt dough (there are plenty of easy online recipes), dirt, clay, sand, or another similar substance around an opened but full, small bottle of Diet Coke – just make sure the mouth of the bottle sticks out. Next, each team will get a “dinosaur egg” (you can use something like a soccer ball, or actually make a dinosaur egg out of paper mache beforehand) they should put in the furthest corner of their area. Mark off an area of about 10×10 feet around each of the volcanoes and the egg; this will be a safe zone where people cannot be tagged. Then give each team a few packets of Mentos candy – just make sure they don’t eat it all. The objective of the game is for someone to steal the egg from the opposing team, and bring it back to his or her own side. However, whenever the other team tags someone in their territory, that person is out.

There are two ways to get back into the game after being tagged; if someone steals the opponent’s egg, the game restarts and everyone is back in from both sides. The other way to get back in is for a teammate to erupt one of the opposing team’s volcanoes without getting tagged. This can be done by dropping a piece of Mentos candy into the soda bottle to make it foam up and erupt. Whenever this happens the captured people from the team that set off the volcano are back in the game. One thing for the kids to keep in mind is that each volcano can only be erupted one time, so they should split them up between games. Each time a team wins, they earn 15 points. Each time they lose, they lose 5 points. The game ends after three rounds.

Extinction Tug of War

Many dinosaurs had voracious appetites and amazing strength. This game is great because it combines both, and all you need to set it up is a rope and some “pterodactyl” chicken wings. The Extinction Tug of War takes place near over one of the volcanoes from Capture the Egg. The two teams stand on either side of volcano with a rope between them and then pull against each other. If someone gets pulled over the volcano, they have fallen into hot lava are extinct until they can gobble down one of the pterodactyl wings. As soon as they do this, they are back in. Kids will love pulling and sliding each other around and over the volcano, and then racing off to chow on wings as soon as they are out. The game ends when every member of the team has become extinct, whether it is because they were overpowered, or just could not eat fast enough. They can play for three rounds, where they’ll receive 15 points for winning and a 5 point penalty for losing.

After treading carefully through the obstacle course, running around stealing eggs and exploding volcanoes, and a battle of brute force, the kids should be tired from a long day of dinosaur activities. The winning team can get the first slices of the birthday cake – after the birthday boy or girl of course. Then the children can change into their kids footed pajamas and settle down with a movie like Ice Age or the Land Before time.

 

Dividing the family’s property during divorce can be quite difficult, especially if there are significant assets such as houses, rental property, retirement and pension plans, stock options, restricted stock, deferred compensation, brokerage accounts, closely-held businesses, professional practices and licenses, etc.Deciding who should get what can be quite a challenge, even under the most amenable of situations. But, if your divorce is contentious, then this can be especially complicated.

Differences between separate and marital property

Assets should not necessarily be divided simply based on their current dollar value. You need to understand which assets will be best for your short- and long-term financial security. This is not always easy to discern without a thorough understanding of the asset itself – its liquidity, cost basis and any tax implications associated with its sale.

However, before we go any further, we need to discuss the differences between separate and arital Property and why that’s critically important to you. In my experience, this is an area that is not well understood by most people.

Separate property

States differ in some of the details, but generally speaking, separate property includes:

• Any property that was owned by either spouse prior to the marriage;

• An inheritance received by the husband or wife (either before or after the marriage);

• A gift received by the husband or wife from a third party (your mother gave you her diamond ring);

• Payment received for pain and suffering portion in a personal injury judgment

Warning: Separate property can lose its separate property status if you commingle it with marital property or vice versa. For example, if you re-title your separately owned condo by adding your husband as a co-owner or if you deposit the inheritance from your parents into a joint bank account with him, then that property will most likely now be considered marital property.

Marital property

All other property that is acquired during the marriage is usually considered marital property regardless of which spouse owns the property or how the property is titled. Most people don’t understand this. I’ve had many clients tell me that they were not entitled to a specific asset, because it was titled in their husband’s name – such as his 401K. This is not true! This point is worth repeating because it is that important. All property that is acquired during the marriage is usually considered marital property regardless of which spouse owns the property or how that property is titled.

(State laws vary greatly, especially between Community Property & Equitable Distribution States, so please consult with your divorce attorney).

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All stepfamilies come with challenges – the combining of different households and family cultures, the weekend visitations, the dealing with exes, the confusion that the children feel in trying to make sense not only of the divorce, but now this new parent and stepbrothers and sisters that they didn’t ask for. The stress can take its toll. It comes as no surprise, perhaps, that the struggles between stepparents and stepchildren are one of the primary causes of second divorces. The move from divorce to singlehood to stepfamily certainly requires time and patience, but like most life transitions also benefits from some awareness and skill. Here are the most common mistakes you want to avoid:

Disciplining too soon

One of the big, yet easy, mistakes that a lot of new stepparents make is stepping in a disciplinarian too soon. While the intentions may be good, the kids are likely to show resentment, rather than respect – the proverbial “You’re not my father!”

This is particularly true for teens who are likely to see the stepparent as nothing more than another authority telling him what to do. The antidote to a child or teen’s resistance is a supportive relationship. Hold back and develop a connection before taking any disciplinarian role. If your partner needs support, be the sideline coach or sounding board, but let him or her take the lead. Once a strong trusting relationship is established, gradually step up the discipline.

Nurture first, discipline second.

Failing to develop individual relationships.

Each child in a family will have a different response to a stepparent – one child quickly warming up, while another remains aloof. Children who are particularly close to the other natural parent may hold back, believing that they become close to the stepparent they are in some way being disloyal.

The way around this emotional quagmire is remaining patient while at the same time initiating one-on-one activities. Choose places and activities – movies, picking up a pizza, playing cards or legos – that offer comfortable distractions to break any awkwardness, yet allow you to step out of your “parent” role, and give you both an opportunity to engage and enjoy each other’s company. Whenever the child talks, be quiet and listen. If the mood seems right throw out quick, one-liner questions – “It seems like you are not excited about coming here some weekends. How come? Is it hard to move between two houses?” – and see what happens next.

What’s likely to happen next is not much – a “It’s okay” or grunt, though you might be surprised. Whether the child or teen talks about themselves or not is less important than your showing an interest in his world, and by casually bringing up topics letting him know what type of things can be talked about.

Build your stepfamily one relationship at a time.

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From Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W., for Psychologytoday.com
Photo by John Edwards 2008

Ingrédients for the king cake :

• 1 (16 oz) can of biscuits (regular, not the layered kind but the regular). We use “Grands”
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tablespoon cinnamon
• A few spoonfuls of canned cream cheese frosting (optional)
• Yellow, Purple, Green Sprinkles

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Line a cookie sheet with Release foil. You can skip this, but it makes clean up easier. Open the biscuits and lay them flat on the foil. Press them into a large circle (about 12 inches) or giant rectangle.

Paint the dough with butter, then mix sugar and cinnamon together and sprinkle evenly over dough.

Lay babies or figurines somewhere on the dough.

Roll the dough up into a cylinder and pinch as tightly as possible to seal. Shape the cylinder into a round.

Bake for 35 minutes. Let cool slightly, then spoon icing over top and let it fall down sides. Sprinkle sugar on top.

Ready to eat! It tastes best shortly after being made, but also tastes good the next day.

When it comes to divorce, everyone is concerned about the kids. Not that everyone who divorces has kids, but we don’t seem to have as much angst about child-free couples who divorce as we do about those who have kids — especially young kids.

For all our studies about how divorce impacts kids, ranging from the doom and gloom genre to “the kids are all right” variety, we don’t seem to ask the most important people of all what they think — the kids themselves.

Ellen Bruno did.

The longtime San Francisco filmmaker and international relief worker interviewed a handful of children aged 6 to 12 about their feelings about their parents’ divorce for her nearly completed documentary, Split.

Read more and see the video…

By OMGchronicles

Must Divorced Fathers Become Second Class Citizens?

It was the last straw. The Millers (details have been changed) had invited Greg’s ex-wife Susan to their annual barbecue with the kids, and hadn’t even taken the time to explain to Greg why he’d been overlooked. It really hurt, especially because he had spent hours last summer helping the Millers set up their outdoor furniture and for the last three years had coached their youngest son in soccer.

Greg had elected not to tell their friends (and some family members) the details of the breakup and how much Susan’s indiscretions had hurt him. But by taking the high road, and keeping the details private, he was well aware there were those who assumed he had been the one who wanted the separation, when in fact, it was Susan who had surprised him with legal papers.

Greg understood that it would only be natural for their friends to be supportive of Susan. And he certainly wanted to know that things were okay for her and their children. But it floored him that some of their closest friends found it necessary to take sides.

Everyone seemed to rally around Susan and didn’t seem to realize how much Greg had been hurting. He would never get over the humiliation of walking to the back of the crowded auditorium, when seats had been saved for his family, but no one had thought of him.

He missed waking up to his children and the family routines he had cherished. He missed the familiarity of the home he’d shared with Susan the last fifteen years. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to his condo, or coming home to an empty house. He counted the minutes to the alternate weekends when his kids came. And, ironically, he also counted the minutes until they went home, because they always seemed to negatively compare his home to their mother’s. He wondered if he would ever be able to feel normal and move on from the pain.

As we all know, there are rarely winners when it comes to divorce. Each family member is impacted dramatically. And, of course, the extended family and friends are put in the unenviable position of trying to be supportive, as they grapple with their own feelings about the breakup. It’s not uncommon to focus our attention on the challenges women face as they start over and tend to the emotional needs of their children. And of course, we know this support will be invaluable. Many newly divorced women have been devastated emotionally and financially, and will surely appreciate sensitivity and compassion from those around them.

It’s important, though, to remember that many of today’s divorces have been initiated by women. Even if both parties have seen it coming for some time, and the announcement comes as no surprise, many husbands may still feel as if they’ve been blindsided. Their pride, self-esteems and bank accounts may have been seriously depleted, and they’re hurting badly. So, let’s not be too quick to assume they’re heartless cads whose selfishness and immaturity are solely to blame. And, while we’re on the subject, if we seek to enter the blame game, we may take on a polarized, critical stance, and participate in an ugly spiral that escalates a tense situation even further.

After a divorce, egos may be bruised and the parties may be hyper-sensitive to the judgments of those around them. The divorced family may assume they’ve been the subject of prurient gossip on the soccer field or at dinner parties, and may worry that every aspect of their lives has been scrutinized.

Men starting over may be very frightened by the enormous responsibility of maintaining two households at a time when they’re feeling inadequate and insecure. Knowing that we all need to grieve a major loss in a very personal way should remind us to assume that newly divorced men are hurting also and could benefit from our warmth and camaraderie. They may not have a solid support system readily in place.

The newly divorced man has usually lost the structure and comfort of his home and daily routines, and may have been accustomed to his ex-wife handling responsibilities that are now on his very full plate. He may miss the special moments of spontaneously snuggling with his children or being privy to their daily confidences. The limited visits with his children may feel forced or awkward, and over time, the comfort and closeness they once felt may have become strained. Hopefully, as the children mature and gain insight, a closer bond can be re-established.

There may be an assumption that he’s living the “life of Reilly” with his newly freed-up schedule — and that it’s no trouble at all to segue quickly to an active, satisfying social life. Don’t we all say: “It’s so much easier for a man. Everyone has a number to give him.” Obviously, this is not always the case. But even if the newly separated man has opportunities, it does not mean he isn’t dealing with loneliness or his self-esteem hasn’t taken a huge hit.

Most women have developed a support network and are more comfortable reaching out for what they need. Men were more often socialized to keep sad feelings to themselves; they don’t want to be perceived as wimps or whiners. So, they present a stiff upper lip and suffer silently. Assume they may be struggling more than they let on. No doubt, he’d be so appreciative if you took the time to call him or invite him over (with or without the children) for a casual catch up. Don’t press him to talk if he’s reticent. His pride may have suffered a great deal. He’ll open up if, and when, he feels safe to share.

As the newly divorced man faces the challenges of the next chapter, there will obviously be some tense moments and pitfalls, but if he is receptive, there are possibilities for tremendous growth and personal satisfaction.

by Linda Lipshutz

If you missed our booth at the The Divorce Expo in Novi  (Michigan, USA) here is the article and the interview recorded during the expo by the Divorce Source Radio:

“This program features a unique online organizational product designed to help keep divorced couples organized. 2Houses.com helps Communications between separated or divorced parents.This online system helps you to manage your parenting schedule, keep track of shared expenses,exchange school, after-school activities, medical, and other types of information. This program features 2Houses founder, Gill Ruidant who traveled from Belgium to attend the show.  For more information, visit: www.2Houses.com.”

 

Listen to the interview

If you live with one parent, you know that a lot of other kids do, too. More than 20 million kids in the United States live with one parent. Separation and divorce are the most common reasons for this. In other cases, the mom and dad may never have lived together, or one of them may have died.

Living with one parent instead of two can bring out a lot of emotions. These feelings can be pretty strong, and they can be confusing, too. You might feel terribly sad and angry because your parents divorced.

You also might feel happy that your parents split up and aren’t fighting anymore, but you may also feel upset when your mom introduces you to a man that she is dating. You might love the uncle or grandma who takes care of you, but sometimes you might wish you could have one family with both a mom and a dad.

Emotions all by themselves aren’t either good or bad. They’re just feelings. Because living with one parent can sometimes be stressful, it can help to talk about it. You can talk with your parent, a relative, school counselor, or another trusted adult. Talking with other kids who live with single parents can be a great idea, too.

Single Parents and Work

Single parents are often working parents because someone needs to earn money to pay for food, clothing, and a place to live. Having a job means your mom or dad is able to provide these things and more for you. People work for other reasons, too. A job can let a person use his or her special talents and skills. A job can be important because it helps people in the community. Or a job can simply be exciting or interesting.

But even though you might understand why your mom or dad has to work, sometimes it can be hard to accept. “Not now, I have to work” isn’t what you want to hear when you’d like to do something fun. This can be especially true during the summer or school vacations. You’re home, they’re gone, and the days can seem really long.

Many kids simply take care of themselves for all or part of the time that a parent is at work. This can be all right, but only if you’re prepared to handle the responsibility. You need to know what to do in case of an emergency, as well as how to use your time wisely. And if you’re by yourself, you should know how to handle loneliness, too.

Other choices include going to an after-school program or staying with a neighbor or relative. During the summer, many schools and towns offer summer programs and camps.

Time Troubles

It can be tough when you don’t have enough time with your dad or mom. When you live with one parent, that person really has to do the work of two people. Besides a job, your mom or dad is responsible for caring for the kids, the house, the yard, the car, the pets — everything that grown-ups do! And besides all that, your dad or mom would like to be able to spend more time just hanging out with you, too. So what can you do?

One of the best ways is to hold a family meeting. Talk about everyone’s schedule for work, school, and activities. You can also talk about what jobs around the house need to be done every day, which ones can be done less often, and who could do each job.

When you take a look at chores and other time demands, you can try to work some family time into the schedule. Maybe you can eat more meals together. You might want to help your parent cook dinner sometimes. That can be both fun and helpful to your parent. Maybe you also can schedule a weekly game or movie night.

Time may be tight, but kids in single-parent families can make a difference by helping out around the house. They also can make another important contribution: reminding their moms or dads to have a little fun!

Reviewed by: Collen Sherman

The followings videos introduce parts of the book “Co-Parenting works!” which explains you how to deal with co-parenting.

About the author: Tammy Daughtry, author, speaker, advocate, is the founder of Co-Parenting International. She holds a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and has over ten years experience in real-life co-parenting.

The Introduction

Co-Parenting Works!What is the book Co-Parenting Works! about? Is it right for you? What will the stories be like and what will you learn? This videos answers those questions and begins your journey of hope in co-parenting.

Part 1 Introduction: Becoming A Stable And Effective Co-Parent

Co-Parenting Works!Explore the beginning of the journey, the first year after divorce and during separation. No matter where you are in your co-parenting journey, you can get stable and you can move forward…your kids need you to. Watch this video to get an idea of what’s behind this section in the book.

Part 2 Introduction: It’s Not About You, It’s About The Kids

Co-Parenting Works!Did you know there are six risk factors with divorce? Co-Parenting Works!helps you work against the statistics and change the predictable outcomes. Part 2 of the book expresses the heart of CoParenting International. Watch this video to get a snippet of what to expect.

Part 3 Introduction: Creating A Co-Parenting Team

Co-Parenting Works!We are going to challenge you in this part of the book to become a team with your ex for the sake of your children. The two of you must come together as a team for your children like an executive team does for a company. In this video meet Tammy’s now Husband, Jay Daughtry, and hear his perspective on what it’s like to see a healthy co-parenting relationship work.

Part 4 Introduction: If It Can Go Wrong…

Co-Parenting Works!Hear from Tammy’s now husband, Jay Daughtry, introducing the topics discussed in Part 4 of Co-Parenting Works! Things like handling the tougher aspects of working with an ex and extended families. Often these are the first things that come to mind when dealing with the other co-parent. This section will help the two of you get onto the same page and not have to worry about what your children hear on the side.

Part 5 Introduction: When Co-Parenting Is Impossible

Co-Parenting Works!Jay Daughtry, Tammy’s husband, introduces Part 5 of the book on how to parent your child when the other parent is no longer part of your child’s life. Learn how to talk about the absent parent, how to surround yourself with a supportive community, and how to determine when an ex is unsafe for you and your children.

Part 6 Introduction: Moving On With Your Life

Co-Parenting Works!Part of moving on with your life after divorce is dating. How do you introduce this to your kids and talk about this with your co-parent. We’ll also talk about a hope chair. You may have fears about this. What’s healthy? And what about even further…remarriage? Jay and Tammy introduce these topics in Part 6 and help you think through remarriage, heal from divorce, and make a great decision for you and your children.

Part 7 Introduction: And Into The Future

Co-Parenting Works!Co-parenting does not end when child support ends or at age 18. Your children need you in their life forever. They will get married. Someday you may have grandchildren. There are decisions you will have to make with your co-parent. Part 7 is about making the right decisions through lifetime for you and your children.