Category: Co-parenting

After many years of bickering, infidelities, and general unhappiness and upset with each other, Jack and Miranda decided to divorce. To their credit, they are seeing me to make sure their kids are alright.They have no interest in reconciling. They have even less interest in talking about anything except the kids. But despite their inability to make their marriage work, they are both concerned and loving parents of Jason, age 11, and Brittany, age 8.

“I think the kids are mostly relieved,” says Miranda. “Jason has been asking me for years why we don’t just get a divorce.”

“I don’t know,” says Jack. “Jason may tell you that. But Brittany tells me she wishes you would stop bugging me.

“That’s because you spoil her rotten.”

Here we go. Despite their best intentions, these two can’t get to sentence three without finding a reason to fight. It’s my job to keep the emotional temperatures down, to keep blame and shame out of the room, and to instead focus on determining what the kids need and how to support them.Are the kids really alright? Maybe. Here are 4 things I ask divorcing parents to look for and an idea or two for how to deal with each one. Of course, it sometimes takes family counseling. As well as learn some post-divorce parenting tips to settle things down.

4 indicators that the kids may not be as alright as you think:

Number 1. Are the kids siding with one or the other parent?

In the case of Jack and Miranda, their son is protecting his mother. The daughter is dad’s miniature lawyer.
Both parents need to reassure their kids that the divorce is adult business, that they don’t need the kids to intercede, and that the kids can focus on being kids. The children need both parents to encourage them to not take sides and to have a loving relationship with the other parent.

Number 2: Are the kids clinging to each other more?

Sometimes kids lose faith in their parents’ ability to care for them emotionally or even physically. It’s wonderful when siblings can be friends. But, It’s concerning when they turn exclusively to each other for support and help.

Brittany has been going to Jason for comfort, for companionship, and for practical help. She asks him to help her make her lunch for school. She asks him to help her with her homework. It’s crossed the line from good big-brother behavior to Jason becoming more like a third parent. Jason needs to be let off the hook. Brittany really wants her parents to pay more attention to her needs. Mom and Dad can suggest Brittany makes her lunch with one of them. They can tell Jason he has enough of his own homework and they’re happy to help Brittany.

Number 3: Are the kids hanging around the house more and refusing to go places like a friend’s house or a birthday party?

Sometimes children have the idea that if they’re around, their parents won’t fight. They stay close to home to keep things stable.

For example, Brittany goes to playdates, but Jason hasn’t wanted to do much lately. He’s the kind of kid who worries a lot about keeping things peaceful at home. It would help if Jason’s parents told him they appreciate him caring, but they’re working on ways to stop fighting on their own. They could say they hired a counselor to help them, so Jason doesn’t have to worry anymore. Once his parents find new ways to deal with their problems, Jason might believe things will be okay again.

Finally, number 4: Is there a change in how the kids are performing in school or in other activities?

Both over and under achieving sometimes indicate a problem. Some kids try really hard to do everything perfectly to ease their parents’ stress. Some feel like they caused the breakup and try to make up for it by being extra good. Others think being perfect will make things better for mom or dad.

On the other hand, some kids lose interest in school or activities. They might stop hanging out with friends or going to scouts or soccer practice. Sometimes this is because they’re feeling depressed. Other times, it’s a way to shift the focus from their parents’ arguments to their own problems. A counselor can help figure out if the kids’ behavior is related to the divorce and how to help them get back to feeling normal.

Telling the kids to try harder or to take it easy on themselves might not work. They need to see their parents handling things better and being less angry with each other before they can change.

Kids, especially those under 12 or 13, often reflect their parents’ behavior. When parents handle the divorce well, kids are more likely to be okay and feel more protected by their parents. Studies show that how well parents handle the divorce directly affects how well their kids cope. 

For the kids to be alright, the adults need to remember that whatever their differences, their struggles, or their feelings about each other, their kids need them whenever possible to act as a team in being responsive and responsible parents.

by Marie Hartwell-Walker

Sharing custody with your ex can be tough on everyone’s feelings and can be hard to organize. But there are ways to make things go smoother for you, your ex, and the kids. This article will give you 6 easy tips to help you deal with shared custody like a champ.

Establish Consistent Communication

Call or chat with your child often to stay close. There are post divorce communication apps like 2houses that can help. Try to call at the same time each week, like on Tuesdays. Don’t call your young child after dinner – they’ll be grumpy and tired (and you might be too!). Same for teenagers – don’t call before dinner, they’re probably not home yet. A short chat is all most teenagers want, like 4 minutes. The main thing is to call when it’s a good time for both of you.  Wait until your child isn’t busy or tired to talk. Keep your chats short and sweet, but talk about things they like.

Send Thoughtful Messages

Use special cards or eCards made for co-parenting to keep in touch between visits. Just saying “I love you” or “Thinking of You” can mean a lot. Sending these messages lets your kids know they’re not alone anymore. It shows them that both parents are still there for them, just like before. And sometimes, giving small gifts like balloons or flowers can make a big difference, especially for younger kids aged 2 to 6.

Nurture Connections with Visual Cues

Go ahead and Create a welcoming environment for your child by incorporating reminders of the other parent into your home. Allow your child to display a photo of the other parent in their room, and curate albums of cherished memories. Ensure that your child has everything they need during their stay, minimizing the need to bring belongings back and forth.

Foster Mini-Traditions

Create small traditions together. Do things you both like, like watching TV shows you enjoy or playing board games. Do dinner together. Set some weekend plans with your kids. Doing these things regularly helps your child feel comfortable and like they belong in both homes.

Set Clear House Rules

Kids do good when they know the rules! Make clear rules for your house right from the start. This way, your child knows what to expect. Rules can change as your child gets older, but try to keep things the same as much as possible. This will help your child feel safe and secure.

Prioritize Stability and Comfort

When your child goes between your house and your other parent’s house, make sure they are comfortable in both places. They should feel loved, safe, and happy no matter where they are. Especially for 50-50 shared custody, make sure both homes should be like warm hugs, making your child feel like they belong. This will help them feel good overall and do well in life. So, make both houses cozy, friendly, and places where your child feels taken care of.

So, How do you navigate shared custody arrangements? Share your tips and experiences in the comments below!

The holidays are a time of joy, but for divorcing couples, they can be a minefield of emotions.  The stress of navigating traditions, co-parenting, and personal grief can be overwhelming, especially when children are involved. 

Stacy Phillips, a top divorce lawyer in Los Angeles and the author of “Divorce: It’s All About Control – How To Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars,” gives the following 10 helpful tips to get through this challenging period with grace and empathy.

1. Seek Therapy for Emotional Support:

The holiday season can serve as a painful reminder when a family splits up. You might feel lonely, sad, or stressed. You can take help from a therapist, they can listen to you and help you deal with these feelings. They can also teach you ways to cope and feel better during the holidays and how to enjoy holidays and parenting after divorce.

2. Avoid Competitiveness:

In the aftermath of a divorce, the temptation to engage in a “one-upsmanship” game with your ex-spouse may arise, especially concerning gifts for the children. Trying to show off with big gifts can cause more problems and hard feelings. Instead, focus on giving your kids love, kindness, and spending time with them. That’s what really matters and helps them feel safe and happy.

3. Practice Flexibility with Visitation Schedules:

Divorce often necessitates adjustments to established routines, especially around the holidays. You can use a co-parenting app that can help you to maintain routine. Being flexible with your visiting times shows you put your kids first and want them to have fun with both mom and dad. When you both parents work together and compromise, you’ll have less arguments and make happy memories for your kids.

4. Include New Partners in Celebrations:

It can be difficult to get along with your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend. Even if you aren’t happy about it, being friendly to them can benefit everyone. If you show that you accept them, your children will learn to do the same. This allows everyone to be friends and have fun together at celebrations.

5. Engage in Acts of Kindness:

Instead of worrying about your problems after divorce, try doing good things for others. This can help you feel better during the holidays when you’re feeling stressed or sad. It’s good to get kids involved too.When your children begin to help others, such as by contributing to a charity, they learn to care about people and to be grateful for what they have. You can do things like help out at a shelter or give money to a good cause. Doing these things shows that you care about others and want to help make the world a better place. These acts of kindness can also bring you a sense of inner peace during a challenging time like a divorce.

6. Seek Support from Friends and Family:

Surrounding yourself with loved ones during the holidays can create a warm and supportive environment for you and your children. Whether it’s sharing cherished meals or enjoying festive gatherings, these relationships give you comfort, companionship, and a strong sense of belonging. When you rely on your loved ones, it becomes simpler to deal with co-parenting after a divorce.

7. Practice Restraint in Communication:

Effective communication is essential in maintaining a harmonious co-parenting relationship, especially during emotionally charged moments. When things start to get heated, it’s really important to hold back and not say mean stuff to your ex. Acting polite and showing respect sets a good example and helps keep conversations positive. It also makes problem solving easier and keeps your children from getting upset for no reason.

8. Teach the True Meaning of the Holidays:

When you’re busy getting ready for the holidays, it’s important to teach your kids about what the season is really about. Whether it’s being nice to others, saying thank you, or taking time to think, parents can show their kids how to care for others, be generous, and have empathy. By helping kids understand the true meaning of the holidays, families can make strong connections and create special memories that go beyond just getting stuff.

9. Focus on Harmony and Peace:

No matter what religion or culture you’re from, the main aim of the holidays is to make peace and get along. As a divorced parent you can make your kids feel loved and safe by working together and understanding each other. This shows your kids that family is important, even when parents aren’t together anymore.

10. Plan for the Future:

The holidays are over? No, it never ends. There’s still lots to look forward to! Talk to your kids about what they want to do in the future.

This could be fun things for the weekend, or even things they want to achieve in the new year. When you plan together, your kids will feel excited and like they have a say. This also makes your family closer.

So think happy thoughts about what’s coming next, and get ready to have some fun together!

Parenting before and after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. Here is a six-step formula for pre and post-divorce parenting success.

Step 1: Monitor Your Perceptions

The world is what we perceive it to be. If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.

If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.

Sadly, it’s through challenging experiences that we grow and learn the most from life.

Step 2: Practice Respectful Parenting

Getting past your divorce is a small piece of the child-centered divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.

Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years and decades to come, it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that he or she is your child’s other parent whom they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.

Step 3: Learn To Let Go

If you truly want to move on from your divorce, you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit — not on behalf of your former spouse.

Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children — if not for yourself — decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?

Step 4: Try To Forgive

The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.

Next, take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.

You are cutting the emotional cords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Release your past — and be free!

Step 5: Handle Your Conflicts

Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.

When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.

It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.

Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.

Step 6: Make Time For You

One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at a shelter. Start a craft or business. Make time for strolls in nature, exercise and watching your diet. Treat yourself to a message. Indulge when you can.

When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits.

Do the best you can. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!

Whether it’s been weeks or years since your divorce, it’s natural to reflect on mistakes made along the way. However, the real question is: How can we rectify these divorce mistakes, especially when they affect our children’s well-being? In this guide, we’ll explore actionable steps to mend past missteps and foster a healthier post-divorce environment for our children.

Acknowledge and Apologize for Past Actions:

One of the first steps towards making things right is acknowledging and taking responsibility for past actions. Whether it was losing your temper in front of the children or speaking negatively about your ex-spouse, owning up to these behaviors is crucial. Sit down with your children and have an honest conversation. Apologize for any pain your actions may have caused and express your genuine desire to make positive changes moving forward.

Rebuilding Trust and Cooperation:

Effective co-parenting is essential for the well-being of children after divorce. This means setting aside personal grievances and prioritizing the needs of the children. This means forgetting about any bad feelings between you and focusing on what’s best for the kids. Try talking to your ex about how you both can communicate better and work as a team. It might be difficult to let go of any hard feelings, but it’s worth it for the kids. You can talk to your kids, express your regret if you need to, and let them know you’re gonna do your best to make things better.

Handle Anger Even When It’s Difficult

Change happens, especially after a divorce. Your ex might act differently afterward, and that’s okay. They might not want to be friendly co-parents, and that’s okay too. But when kids are involved, their well-being comes first. Try not to get angry, even if your ex is rude or angry.Sometimes after a divorce, there might be some legal stuff to figure out. It’s always best to try and work things out nicely with your ex, for your kids’ sake. It’s never too late to find common ground and create a healthy co-parenting environment. If discussions become heated, find a neutral space to talk when your kids aren’t around.

When you can control your anger and be kind to your ex, even if they aren’t reciprocating. That sets a positive example for your children. It teaches them valuable conflict resolution skills and the importance of kindness, even in challenging situations.

Modeling Responsible Behavior:

You’re your kid’s biggest role model, no matter what. By demonstrating responsible and effective behavior, even in challenging circumstances, you teach your kids important things. This helps them learn how to deal with their feelings and be good friends and adults later on. Don’t fight or bad mouth your ex in front of your kids. Try to be peaceful. You could even invite your ex to see the kids at holidays or school events, like letting them see their other grandma and grandpa. This shows your kids it’s cool to spend time with both sides of the family.

In conclusion, divorce can be difficult for children because it disrupts their sense of security and stability.When considering divorce, remember the impact on your children and strive to create the healthiest environment possible for them, even if that means seeking professional guidance or prioritizing co-parenting strategies.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!

Divorce does not have to be damaging to children. Here are the ten most important things parents can do to help their kids navigate the stormy seas of divorcing parents.

1. Improve communication with your kids:

Communication is a vital lifeline in any relationship, and especially so with your children after a divorce.  When you communicate well, it helps them feel safe and understood. Forget about forcing conversations. Look for chances to chat naturally. Watch a movie and chat about the characters or what happened. Also you can talk with your kid in the car, at dinner, or even while walking around a pretty park.

Remember, it’s not cool to talk about divorce stuff, like fights or who gets to keep what, when your kids are around. And don’t say mean stuff about the other parent, their family, or friends in front of your kids. Pay attention to how you act and look, too, because kids notice when you’re not being nice about the other parent. This is important because it can lead to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), which is not good for your child.

2. Listen Your kids

It’s hard for all parents to truly listen to their kids sometimes. This can be especially true if you’re tired, busy, or having a bad day. Sometimes kids might have trouble explaining how they feel too. But listening to your kids is important for being a good parent. When you really listen, you’ll understand them better and know how to help.

If your child tells you something they want to keep secret, keep it a secret! Unless it’s something that could hurt them or someone else, then you might need to tell someone to keep them safe.

3. Educate Yourself and Gather necessary Post divorce Parenting Skill

Learning and mastering key parenting skills is important for every parent. If you understand how your kid feels and give them the right kind of support and rules, it can really help them deal with all the changes happening in your family. A co-parenting course or the 2houses parenting apps can help you figure out how to split parenting responsibilities, communicate effectively, and work collaboratively with your ex after divorce. As a result, you will learn about practical techniques for dealing with these issues and minimizing conflicts.

4. Keep friendly Communication with your EX spouse:

Talking to your ex spouse might feel like climbing Mount Everest sometimes. But it’s important for your kid’s sake. As well as it’s very essential to the successful co-parenting. Before you hit send or pick up the phone, think about how it’ll impact your child. Keep your cool and act with respect while you communicate with your ex, even if it’s tough.

Remember, you don’t always have to meet face-to-face. Phone calls, texts, or emails can do the trick for most stuff. The main thing is to keep things drama-free. Just figure out what works best for you both.

5. Resolve co-parenting disagreements with your Ex spouse

When you and your ex don’t see eye to eye on co-parenting stuff, remember to put your kids first and talk nice. Instead of blaming each other, try saying “sorry” when things go wrong. You can try to find ways to solve disagreements so everyone calms down. Listen to your ex’s ideas and stay calm during arguments. Figure out what makes you fight and fix it together. Talking friendly and openly with your ex makes things easier and builds trust. By talking well and understanding each other’s feelings, you can work through disagreements and create a good environment for your kids.

6. Co-parent as a team with your ex

Even if you and your ex don’t get along, you still gotta raise your kids together. Working together and talking nicely, without yelling or fighting, makes things much easier on everyone. If you both try to be on the same page and be a team, figuring out how to raise your kids becomes way simpler. The goal is to work together and create a perfect co-parenting plan.

7. Maintain Routine during co-parenting

Maintaining a routine strictly during co-parenting is very important for your kid’s mental and physical health. like when they go to bed, do their homework, how much they can use screens, when they need to be home, and stuff like that. Kids do best when they know what to expect, so it’s really important for both of you to keep things consistent after a divorce. If they don’t know what’s coming, it can make them really worried and upset, which might make them act out or not do well in school. Try to put aside any hard feelings you have, so you can stick to a regular routine in both homes and help your kids deal with the changes from the divorce.

8. Make transitions and visitation easier

Moving between households can be tough when parents share custody – everyone finds it tricky. Kids especially might need some extra time to get used to being in a new place. If your child seems like they want to be alone for a little while, that’s okay! Another thing that can happen is kids not wanting to go to the other parent’s house sometimes. This is normal too. The most important thing is to try and work things out calmly.

9. Control Anger and emotions

While anger is a natural emotion, when faced with a challenging situation, it can also create the most destructive consequences. Not surprisingly it can easily sabotage your co-parenting relationship for you and your children. For your kids’ sake, try to calm down even when you’re upset. This will make things easier on everyone, including your ex, your family, and most importantly, your children.

10. Take care of yourself first!

Happy and healthy parents raise happy and healthy kids. So, make sure you’re feeling good too! If you’re sad, mad, worried, or stressed about the divorce, it’s okay to ask for help. Also you can talk to a parenting coach – they can help you sort through your feelings. 

When you’re feeling strong, your kids will feel strong too. If you’re really upset, it might make them worry about you instead of focusing on school, friends, and fun stuff.

If you missed our booth at the The Divorce Expo in Novi  (Michigan, USA) here is the article and the interview recorded during the expo by the Divorce Source Radio:

“This program features a unique online organizational product designed to help keep divorced couples organized. 2Houses.com helps Communications between separated or divorced parents.This online system helps you to manage your parenting schedule, keep track of shared expenses,exchange school, after-school activities, medical, and other types of information. This program features 2Houses founder, Gill Ruidant who traveled from Belgium to attend the show.  For more information, visit: www.2Houses.com.”

 

Listen to the interview

If you live with one parent, you know that a lot of other kids do, too. More than 20 million kids in the United States live with one parent. Separation and divorce are the most common reasons for this. In other cases, the mom and dad may never have lived together, or one of them may have died.

Living with one parent instead of two can bring out a lot of emotions. These feelings can be pretty strong, and they can be confusing, too. You might feel terribly sad and angry because your parents divorced.

You also might feel happy that your parents split up and aren’t fighting anymore, but you may also feel upset when your mom introduces you to a man that she is dating. You might love the uncle or grandma who takes care of you, but sometimes you might wish you could have one family with both a mom and a dad.

Emotions all by themselves aren’t either good or bad. They’re just feelings. Because living with one parent can sometimes be stressful, it can help to talk about it. You can talk with your parent, a relative, school counselor, or another trusted adult. Talking with other kids who live with single parents can be a great idea, too.

Single Parents and Work

Single parents are often working parents because someone needs to earn money to pay for food, clothing, and a place to live. Having a job means your mom or dad is able to provide these things and more for you. People work for other reasons, too. A job can let a person use his or her special talents and skills. A job can be important because it helps people in the community. Or a job can simply be exciting or interesting.

But even though you might understand why your mom or dad has to work, sometimes it can be hard to accept. “Not now, I have to work” isn’t what you want to hear when you’d like to do something fun. This can be especially true during the summer or school vacations. You’re home, they’re gone, and the days can seem really long.

Many kids simply take care of themselves for all or part of the time that a parent is at work. This can be all right, but only if you’re prepared to handle the responsibility. You need to know what to do in case of an emergency, as well as how to use your time wisely. And if you’re by yourself, you should know how to handle loneliness, too.

Other choices include going to an after-school program or staying with a neighbor or relative. During the summer, many schools and towns offer summer programs and camps.

Time Troubles

It can be tough when you don’t have enough time with your dad or mom. When you live with one parent, that person really has to do the work of two people. Besides a job, your mom or dad is responsible for caring for the kids, the house, the yard, the car, the pets — everything that grown-ups do! And besides all that, your dad or mom would like to be able to spend more time just hanging out with you, too. So what can you do?

One of the best ways is to hold a family meeting. Talk about everyone’s schedule for work, school, and activities. You can also talk about what jobs around the house need to be done every day, which ones can be done less often, and who could do each job.

When you take a look at chores and other time demands, you can try to work some family time into the schedule. Maybe you can eat more meals together. You might want to help your parent cook dinner sometimes. That can be both fun and helpful to your parent. Maybe you also can schedule a weekly game or movie night.

Time may be tight, but kids in single-parent families can make a difference by helping out around the house. They also can make another important contribution: reminding their moms or dads to have a little fun!

Reviewed by: Collen Sherman

The followings videos introduce parts of the book “Co-Parenting works!” which explains you how to deal with co-parenting.

About the author: Tammy Daughtry, author, speaker, advocate, is the founder of Co-Parenting International. She holds a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy and has over ten years experience in real-life co-parenting.

The Introduction

Co-Parenting Works!What is the book Co-Parenting Works! about? Is it right for you? What will the stories be like and what will you learn? This videos answers those questions and begins your journey of hope in co-parenting.

Part 1 Introduction: Becoming A Stable And Effective Co-Parent

Co-Parenting Works!Explore the beginning of the journey, the first year after divorce and during separation. No matter where you are in your co-parenting journey, you can get stable and you can move forward…your kids need you to. Watch this video to get an idea of what’s behind this section in the book.

Part 2 Introduction: It’s Not About You, It’s About The Kids

Co-Parenting Works!Did you know there are six risk factors with divorce? Co-Parenting Works!helps you work against the statistics and change the predictable outcomes. Part 2 of the book expresses the heart of CoParenting International. Watch this video to get a snippet of what to expect.

Part 3 Introduction: Creating A Co-Parenting Team

Co-Parenting Works!We are going to challenge you in this part of the book to become a team with your ex for the sake of your children. The two of you must come together as a team for your children like an executive team does for a company. In this video meet Tammy’s now Husband, Jay Daughtry, and hear his perspective on what it’s like to see a healthy co-parenting relationship work.

Part 4 Introduction: If It Can Go Wrong…

Co-Parenting Works!Hear from Tammy’s now husband, Jay Daughtry, introducing the topics discussed in Part 4 of Co-Parenting Works! Things like handling the tougher aspects of working with an ex and extended families. Often these are the first things that come to mind when dealing with the other co-parent. This section will help the two of you get onto the same page and not have to worry about what your children hear on the side.

Part 5 Introduction: When Co-Parenting Is Impossible

Co-Parenting Works!Jay Daughtry, Tammy’s husband, introduces Part 5 of the book on how to parent your child when the other parent is no longer part of your child’s life. Learn how to talk about the absent parent, how to surround yourself with a supportive community, and how to determine when an ex is unsafe for you and your children.

Part 6 Introduction: Moving On With Your Life

Co-Parenting Works!Part of moving on with your life after divorce is dating. How do you introduce this to your kids and talk about this with your co-parent. We’ll also talk about a hope chair. You may have fears about this. What’s healthy? And what about even further…remarriage? Jay and Tammy introduce these topics in Part 6 and help you think through remarriage, heal from divorce, and make a great decision for you and your children.

Part 7 Introduction: And Into The Future

Co-Parenting Works!Co-parenting does not end when child support ends or at age 18. Your children need you in their life forever. They will get married. Someday you may have grandchildren. There are decisions you will have to make with your co-parent. Part 7 is about making the right decisions through lifetime for you and your children.

 

 

Are you prepared to tell the children about your divorce or separation?  While the conversation will be difficult, it’s also an opportunity to let them know, first and foremost, that you love them, and to demonstrate that – as a family – you’re going to meet their needs and answer their questions. These guidelines will help you prepare for this event.

Please note that you should be absolutely certain that the divorce or separation will actually happen before you tell the kids. Once that has been determined, consider the guidelines below.

1. Confer with Your Former Partner Before You Tell the Kids About the Divorce.

For the sake of your children, put aside the hurt and anger you may be feeling, so that you can make decisions together about the details you’ll need to tell your children. If you don’t have this conversation beforehand, you may end up having it in front of or through your kids, which wouldn’t be fair to them. If it’s extremely difficult to speak with one another, consider using the services of a mediator or counselor, or invite someone you both trust to help you work out the details.

2. If at All Possible, Both Parents Should be Present When Telling the Kids.

This sends an important message to your kids that you’re both capable of working together for their benefit. In addition, you’ll want to tell all of the children at one time. It’s important that each child hear this news directly from mom and dad; not from the sibling who heard it first. If your kids are different ages, plan to share the basic information at the initial gathering, and follow-up with the older children during a separate conversation.

3. Remain Calm and Avoid Blaming.

The manner in which you present this news to your kids will, in large part, affect the degree of their anxiety and whether they anticipate a positive outcome for themselves. If the meeting becomes a screaming match, your kids will be far more unsettled about what is happening. Instead, avoid the tendency to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. To the extent that you can, try to incorporate the word “we” when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made.

4. Provide a General Reason for What is Happening.

It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older children will recognize that this is a huge life change, and they will weigh that change against the reason you give them. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation.

5. Provide Specific Details About the Changes Your Kids Can Expect.

Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know, and what you don’t know.

6. Provide Specific Details About the Parent Who is Leaving the Home.

The more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with this parent, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.

7. Reassure the Children of Your Unconditional Love.

Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Specifically tell them that nothing they did could have caused – nor prevented – what is happening. In addition, make sure both parents collectively and individually convey thier unconditional love through words and actions. Avoid making long-range promises about an uncertain future. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time and be generous in sharing your hugs and affection.

8. Be Sensitive to How the Kids React to This News.

What you’re telling them may be completely unexpected, and will most assuredly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction – which is a reaction – as you would be if the children were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions appropriately, and it may be some time before they can articulate their feelings.

9. Welcome Their Questions.

Most likely, the children will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that. Also, realize that this conversation will unfold in many parts. After you’ve told the children about the divorce or separation, expect to revisit the topic many times as new questions and concerns arise.

10. Give Them Time to Adjust to the News.

It will take time for your children to adjust to this news. It is a huge change, and while you may be confident in the hopeful future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be patient with their needs and make the effort to be a steady presence in their lives.

By Jennifer Wolf, About.com Guide