Category: Co-parenting

Adjusting to co-parenting during the holidays is not only possible but can also bring numerous benefits to the entire family unit. While transitioning to a new co-parenting dynamic might initially present challenges, it provides an opportunity for parents to collaborate and create new traditions that reflect their changing circumstances. This adaptability fosters resilience and a sense of unity among family members. Through open communication and shared decision-making, parents can ensure that the children continue to experience the joy and magic of the holiday season while spending meaningful time with both sides of their family. This arrangement can teach children valuable life skills such as flexibility, cooperation, and effective communication. Moreover, co-parenting during the holidays helps maintain a sense of stability and familiarity for the children, assuring them that they are loved and supported by both parents. Ultimately, by approaching the holiday season with a cooperative and child-centered mindset, co-parents can create cherished memories and a sense of togetherness that benefits the entire family unit.

Common Challenges of Co-Parenting During the Holidays

Co-parenting during the holidays can present several challenges due to the emotional significance of these occasions and the need to coordinate schedules between two households. Some common challenges co-parents may face include:

1. Scheduling Conflicts: Coordinating holiday schedules between two households can be complicated. Each parent may have their own family traditions and commitments, making it challenging to find a balanced arrangement.
2. Conflicting Traditions: Co-parents might have different cultural or religious traditions, leading to conflicts about which traditions to prioritize or how to incorporate both into the children’s celebrations.
3. Emotional Strain: The holidays can evoke strong emotions for both parents and children. Feelings of nostalgia, sadness, or loneliness may arise, particularly if it’s the first holiday season after the separation or divorce.
4. Pressure to Compete: Co-parents might feel pressured to outdo each other during the holidays, leading to unhealthy competition or overspending in an attempt to provide the “best” experience for the children.
5. Child’s Loyalty Conflicts: Children may feel torn between spending time with each parent, especially if they’re celebrating with one parent while missing out on traditions with the other.
6. New Partners and Blended Families: Introducing new partners or step-siblings into the mix can complicate holiday plans and emotions, requiring sensitivity and communication to navigate these dynamics.
7. Communication Breakdowns: Misunderstandings or breakdowns in communication between co-parents can lead to confusion, resentment, and last-minute changes to holiday plans.
8. Logistical Challenges: Travel arrangements, transportation, and coordinating gift-giving can create logistical challenges, especially if the parents live in different locations.
9. Financial Stress: Holidays can strain finances, and co-parents may have different budget constraints, causing disagreements about gift-giving, spending, and how to share the costs.
10. Differing Expectations: Co-parents may have different expectations about how holidays should be celebrated or what level of involvement each parent should have in the festivities.
11. Feeling Left Out: One parent may feel left out if the children spend the majority of the holiday season with the other parent, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
12. Legal or Custody Disputes: In some cases, disagreements about custody arrangements, legal agreements, or visitation rights may escalate during the holidays, adding stress to an already challenging time.

To navigate these challenges successfully, co-parents should prioritize open communication, flexibility, and a child-centered approach. Planning well in advance, setting clear expectations, and considering the child’s needs and preferences can help mitigate many of these potential challenges. Seeking support from family therapists, counselors, or support groups can also provide valuable guidance during this time.

Helpful Tips for Navigating Co-Parenting Arrangements During the Holidays

Co-parenting during the holidays can present unique challenges, but with thoughtful planning and communication, it’s possible to create positive and memorable experiences for your children. Here are ten tips to help you navigate co-parenting during the holiday season:

1. Plan Early: Start planning holiday arrangements well in advance to ensure both parents have a clear understanding of the schedule. This helps avoid last-minute conflicts and gives children a sense of stability.
2. Put the Children First: Keep the focus on your children’s well-being and happiness. Make decisions that prioritize their needs and create a positive holiday experience for them.
3. Open Communication: Maintain open and respectful communication with your co-parent. Share your holiday plans, discuss any potential conflicts, and work together to find solutions that work for everyone.
4. Be Flexible: Flexibility is key during the holidays. Unexpected changes or opportunities may arise, so be willing to accommodate adjustments to the schedule when necessary.
5. Create a Detailed Schedule: Create a clear holiday schedule that outlines when the children will be with each parent. Include details about pickup/drop-off times, locations, and any special events or traditions.
6. Alternate Years: Consider alternating major holidays each year to ensure both parents have the opportunity to spend special occasions with their children. For example, one parent could have custody on Thanksgiving one year and the other parent on the following year.
7. Be Inclusive: If possible, involve both parents in holiday celebrations. This might mean inviting the non-custodial parent to certain events or sharing photos of special moments.
8. Focus on Traditions: Maintain important family traditions that your children enjoy. If possible, find ways to incorporate these traditions into both households to create a sense of continuity.
9. Respect New Traditions: Be open to new traditions that your co-parent might introduce in their household. Allow your children to experience the joy of different holiday customs.
10. Stay Positive: Keep a positive attitude and avoid involving your children in any conflicts or negative feelings between co-parents. Children should be shielded from any tension during the holidays.

Remember, co-parenting during the holidays is an opportunity to show your children that their well-being and happiness are the top priorities. By working together, communicating openly, and being flexible, you can create a warm and joyful holiday season for your children, even in the midst of a co-parenting arrangement.

Creating a Healthy Co-Parenting Environment During the Holidays in Possible

Creating a healthy co-parenting environment during the holidays in Canada involves prioritizing open communication, flexibility, and the well-being of the children. First and foremost, clear communication between co-parents is crucial to establish holiday plans well in advance. This helps avoid misunderstandings and allows for collaborative decision-making regarding visitation schedules, travel arrangements, and special events. Flexibility is key, as holiday plans can often change due to unforeseen circumstances. Being open to adjustments and compromises demonstrates a willingness to prioritize the children’s experiences over personal agendas.

Moreover, maintaining consistency in traditions that the children enjoy, even across separate households, can provide a sense of stability during the holidays. Encouraging the children to express their feelings and preferences fosters their sense of agency in the planning process. By keeping the focus on shared joyful experiences and the children’s well-being, co-parents can create a positive and harmonious holiday season that supports their children’s emotional growth and happiness.

With the world becoming more and more attached to the internet and their phones, is there any doubt that parenting would change? The answer is no. Kids are on phones or online. Parents are on phones or online. And that means that co-parents are online and on phones.

But surprisingly, when it comes to co-parenting apps, a lot of ex-partners don’t think of that option when it comes to co-parenting in the UK. In fact, many still struggle with all the problems of traditional co-parenting when they could be enjoying the benefits of using online tools and apps for co-parenting.

So what are those benefits? Well, the fact that you can put all your organization into your pocket is the biggest, but there are a number of other ones, which we will go through right now.

Benefit Number One: Getting Those Calendars Organized

The biggest benefit of using online tools and apps for co-parenting, such as the app 2houses, is being able to organize your schedule. This can start simple by putting in your custody arrangement and marking which days the kids are with which co-parent. However, more advanced apps and online tools allow you to colour code the calendar, mark times of handoffs and where those handoffs are going to take place.

In addition, you can put in events for the kids, which co-parent will be attending those events (including if both are), when expenses need to be paid, and a wide range of other events that occur throughout the month.

By having your calendar organized and downloaded onto an app on your phone, you can be sure to have everything organized when it comes to your schedules.

Benefit Number Two: Organize those Documents

Speaking of organization, by using an online tool or app for co-parenting, you can actually keep life and documents organized. With 2houses, you can upload all of the documents regarding custody and settlements to your app where it will be safe and secure. In addition, you can add medical records, contacts to do with your kids and a range of other documents that will keep life easy.

And they can be shared with your co-parent so that you both have access to the same documents, which makes life much easier, especially during an emergency when you need to access those important documents quickly and securely.

Benefit Number Three: Reduces the Amount of Conflict

This is all in how you use the app but co-parenting tools and apps are often recommended when you are co-parenting with a high conflict partner. By using the app, you can minimize the amount of conflict that you have with the high conflict partner and can have all correspondence done through the app instead of in person.

Even without a high conflict co-parent, there will be times when there is more conflict. And some topics bring up conflict as they are known as high tension or high conflict topics. Often, these topics are around changes to visitation or about money.

With a co-parenting app, or using the online tools, you can circumvent these tense conversations. If the app has a messaging system connected to the calendar, you can simply put in requests regarding changes in visitation or pick up times and the notification will be sent to the other co-parent.

When it comes to expenses, some apps, like 2houses, has a budget that you can track expenses, send messages on costs of things and provide feedback on how much to spend for items such as shoes right through the app, make it much easier to get things the kids need without all the tension.

Benefit Number Four: Program those Reminders

This really comes into play with organization but you can set the online tools and apps to send you reminders of appointments, handoff times and any event happening in your kids’ lives. It can also send notification on when you need to send over money to cover expenses.

By having the reminders, you can really stay on top of things, which can be a huge accomplishment as raising kids between two houses can be extremely challenging and confusing at times. With the app, it doesn’t have to be.

Benefit Number Five: You Get to Enjoy Your Kids

The final benefit of using online tools and apps is that you really just get to enjoy your kids. The app can do all the heavy lifting and you can simply enjoy the time with your kids when they are with them. In addition, apps like 2houses have journals and photo albums so kids can be in contact, write notes, share photos and just still be in touch with you whenever they aren’t actually with you.

And your co-parent can do the same with those journals and albums so that you are always aware of what is going on, and being able to enjoy every moment of your kids’ lives, even when they aren’t with you.

When you aren’t worrying about conflicts with your co-parent, juggling budgets or stressing about making events, you’ll find that your days with your kids are focused on bonding, which is healthy for them, you and their relationships with both co-parents.

As you can see, there are many different benefits to using a co-parenting app or online tool. You will feel less stress, be more organized and will simply enjoy the new relationship you have formed as co-parents. Will it solve everything? The answer is obviously no, but it will remove a lot of the complications that can occur when you are trying to organize life between two houses. So what are you waiting for? Find an online tool or app that works for you and your family and start organizing your life and experiencing all the benefits of having one.

Setting boundaries is important in life. In fact, one thing that I often recommend to everyone no matter the relationship—from friendships to partner to work—is to set healthy boundaries. However, when people are navigating a separation and divorce while simultaneously navigating the world of co-parenting, setting boundaries can be difficult and, at times, feel completely unobtainable.

And that’s okay. Struggling to set boundaries is normal but it is very important that you set those boundaries as soon as you can. The earlier in a co-parenting relationship you can set those boundaries, the better it will be for you, your ex-partner and your kids.

The Reason to Set a Boundary

First, while it may seem like a no brainer if you are dealing with a high conflict ex-partner, it may not be so clear as to why you need a boundary with an ex-partner you are getting along with. The main reason to set a boundary is so that you can define your new relationship.

Remember, you are not in a relationship where you and your partner are together. You now have different goals; different dreams and you may even have different ideas on what co-parenting will look like.

When you have boundaries in place, you are setting rules to what the co-parenting relationship will look like. It will definitely be different from the relationship that you had when you were together, and it may constantly evolve as your kids get older or you add new people into your, and their, lives.

Boundaries equal rules and parameters that will only aid you as co-parents.

So how do we set them? Well, here are some pretty simple steps to set those boundaries with your ex-partner.

Boundary Number One: Don’t be a Confidant

A particularly good boundary to have that will help set the relationship is to not be the confidant to your ex-partner. While you may still have a friendship, and hopefully so, if you are confidants to each other, it can confuse the roles you play in each other’s lives. It is okay to be in contact with each other from time to time, but you should still talk about things regarding the kids, especially if you are becoming a blended family with stepparents involved.

The main reason that I always stress this boundary is that by being a confidant, it blurs the relationship to what you had in the past. This can be confusing for everyone involved but especially for the kids. In addition, it can be easy to fall into old habits and to have expectations of getting back together, which can lead to a lot of conflict if that doesn’t happen.

You can be friends, but don’t be best friends sharing all the intimate details of your life or the stresses you have.

Boundary Number Two: Approach Everything From a Calm Place

Another boundary to set is for yourself, but it is one that you should be clear about with your ex-partner. Let them know that you will disengage if an argument happens…and follow through. Don’t come to meetings or mediations angry, frustrated or with any type of negative emotion. Instead, center and find your calm place before you meet.

Remember that energy matches energy, so if you come to all interactions with your co-parent with a calm energy, they are more likely to match it. When you first set this boundary, set it for yourself. Don’t expect your partner to do it, but let them know that you won’t interact if it becomes a conflict.

As your relationship grows, see if they would be open to having the same boundary as you.

Boundary Number Three: Keep the Kids Out of Arguments

This is a very important boundary and both of you should follow it. Do not bring your kids into the argument. This means that you shouldn’t argue in front of them. If you can’t have a civil conversation, choose third person handoffs where you don’t have to interact, or agree that you will only discuss high tension topics through email without the kids present. Arguing in front of the kids could lead to a lot of stress and upset for the kids…and it could cause them to feel like they need to pick sides.

Another important thing about keeping kids out of the arguments is that you should never badmouth your ex-partner to them or get them to relay messages for you. Instead, just talk about the good parts of your ex as it pertains to them. Kids grow up quickly and they thrive when they have a good relationship with both their parents.

Boundary Number Four: Set the Times You Are Available

If your kids are with your co-parent, you may want to keep the phone on or the app notifications up so that you can be contacted in the event of an emergency; however, when the kids are with you, it is good to have set times when you are available to the other parent and vice versa.

Kid related, have a number or guidelines for contacting during an emergency. If it isn’t kid related or has to do with custody, expenses or the other matters of co-parenting (or your divorce), let the other parent know the times you are available to talk. If you don’t have set times, it can be extremely easy for your ex-partner to infringe on time you have dedicated to yourself.

In addition to that boundary, also make boundaries on how they can contact you. Use the calendar and mediation app for all things non-emergency regarding the kids. Use email for divorce settlement stuff and use texts for reminders or quick questions about the kids that you need answered.

As you can see, setting boundaries is important for you, your children, your ex-partner and how you set up your relationship. Without boundaries, you can fall into old habits that can lead to a wide range of conflict between you. Without boundaries, it can create confusing dynamics for all involved, and the best thing for you and your kids is to avoid those confusing situations so all of you are thriving and happy.

One thing that we have realized over the years is that families look different…well, they have always looked different but it seems that we are often more aware of it now. Kids don’t always live with mom and dad but might live with a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. Families don’t always have the nuclear family of two opposite sex partners. In fact, a large number of families break the norm of the traditional nuclear family.

And one of the ways that families are breaking that norm can be with a third party. It can be as mentioned already, the children living with someone other than their biological parents. It could mean that there are three parents listed on the birth certificate—many countries have move to this…Canada being one of them with up to four parents allowed to be listed on a birth certificate. It could also mean that the kids still live with one of their biological parents but a third part, such as an ex-partner who is the stepparent of the kids, may have visitation rights as well.

While this is wonderful for kids to have so many loving people involved in their lives, it can make life a bit confusing and stressful when you are trying to organize a co-parenting arrangement with third parties and not just the regular two party households.

Which is why we always stress getting help when things seem confusing. And that help can come to you in the form of a mediation or co-parenting app such as 2houses, which is what we are going to look at in regard to how 2houses can make co-parenting with third parties easier.

Number One: Documents are Organized and Accessible

When there are more than just two parties in a custody agreement, there can be a lot of paperwork that you need to keep track of. One of the benefits of today’s day and age is that a lot of paperwork is sent as both hardcopies and as electronic. Even when they aren’t electronic, many people opt to have them scanned in to be digital.

And it is these digital files that we want to look at. They can be uploaded right onto the 2houses digital app and into their own folder on the app. This folder can be accessed by everyone who has access to the app and you can all see the same thing in the documents.

This makes it a lot easier to navigate disagreements that were already settled in the court or through mediation. All you need to do is pull the document up on the app and look at what it says to solve it. Since there are multiple parties in this arrangement, having access to documents at your fingertips can help prevent a lot of confusion, frustration and headache for all of you.

Number Two: Calendars are Colour Coded and Easy to Use

The calendar is a big part of how 2houses helps co-parents to be successful and it is integral when it comes to co-parenting with a third party. Being able to see a calendar that shows when everyone has visitation, all the events the kids have and allows for room for notes, pick up arrangements, meeting times and so on allows all parties to focus on co-parenting the kids.

In addition, you can put up the custody arrangement and have it reoccur in the calendar. This can, again, be colour coded to each parent in the arrangement. When you open up the calendar, you can easily see who is taking the kids on that day and it takes a lot of the confusion out of it for everyone.

In fact, it can even make it easier on the kids as they can access the app and check the calendar on their own as well.

Number Three: Everyone Can Journal Together

There is a journal on the 2houses app that is great for parents, kids and anyone else involved in the care of the kids. What it is used for is for everyone to write a journal on what is happening with the kids. You can talk about their day, any big news you need to share for them or if they have any changes to their schedule.

In addition, kids can use the journal to write notes to everyone involved in their care. This is great when the kids are with one person and not the other people. It helps parents feel connected and allows the kids to continue building their bond with parents even when they aren’t together.

Number Four: Kids Can Access the App to Know What is Happening

As mentioned already, the kids can access the app and see what is happening in their world. We all know that co-parenting exists for one purpose and one purpose only…to take care of the kids in a positive and effective manner.

So them knowing what is happening in the co-parenting relationship, especially when there is a third party, is important in helping them adjust to the change of going from one home to several houses. Being able to see the app keeps kids organized, helps lower their stress and helps reinforce bonds for everyone.

Number Five: Budgeting Can be Tracked

Finally, the budgeting tool is excellent because everyone can track what money is being shared with the expenses. What is being paid out. And what is being sent with child support. Knowing finances and have access to seeing the budget will help co-parents avoid tension topics, and it keeps all three parties involved in the day to day costs of raising healthy and happy kids.

While you may have to share the expense of 2houses, it is very affordable even for two parents and is pennies when adding additional parties to the app. Besides the low cost, 2houses allows for everyone to know what is happening, who is seeing the kids and when and helps you all keep track of those important moments and documents while you focus on the kids and their needs.

Organization is important for parents. They need to know when they have to be somewhere, need to have access to important information about their kids and they have to juggle the lives of their children, along with all their activities, with an ease that doesn’t interfere with their work. It can seem like they are doing it easily; however, when you add that co-parents are doing this between two houses, custody arrangements and a host of other obstacles, it is amazing just how much organization is needed.

Getting Help with the Organization

So how do successful co-parents keep up with the organization of important information? They have help, of course. Sure, family and friends can help. Partners if you are part of a blended family help as well. But the best help that co-parents can have been to use a mediation and organization app or online tool.

There are plenty out there to choose from and as technology becomes a more popular tool for organization, I am sure there are going to be dozens more on the market. However, the one that really stands out on its own is the 2houses app.

What is 2houses?

2houses is an online digital platform and app that helps co-parents be successful in their relationship as co-parents. It offers a wide range of features that include a calendar, budget tracker, journal, albums and more. It is set up and designed to keep your life organized so you can focus on time with your kids and not on the logistics of your co-parenting arrangement.

So now that we know what 2houses is, let’s look at how 2houses can keep important information organized for co-parenting.

2houses Keeps Emergency Information Accessible

First, 2houses allows parents to store the information of contacts, doctors, schools and so on…anyone who they may need to contact about the kids. This can be shared with both parents and can make life easy when you are dealing with an emergency or simply plan a playdate for the kids.

In addition to contact numbers, you can have other information such as insurance, if your kids have special medications, they are on in the event they go to the hospital, blood type of your kids and so on. Having quick access to this information can be life saving in the event of an emergency. And it definitely gives you the peace of mind when there is no emergency but your kids are with the other parent since they have access to all the same information.

2houses Allows You To Store Court Documents

As you know, with divorce comes a lot of paperwork. And there seems to be even more paperwork when there are children, co-parenting arrangements, child support payments and everything else that’s involved in a divorce when you have kids. It can become really overwhelming at times and many co-parents find it difficult to access the information if it is sitting at home in a filing cabinet.

One option that many choose to do is to take advantage of the albums for documents. You can scan in all of your documents (or download them if they were sent to you electronically) and store them on the app.

Then, if you need to search something up in the documents, you can look at them regardless of where you are. And with both co-parents looking at the same files, there is less likely for there to be any confusion if you need to discuss something about the legalities of your arrangement.

2houses Makes Programming in Visitation Agreements Easy

As you know, 2houses has a calendar as a main part of the app, which helps you keep everything organized between two houses. You can plan out who is going to what events, or activities and you can colour code it to make it that much easier to navigate.

Another excellent feature with the calendar is that you can load in your custody agreement and set up where the kids go as per the arrangement, such as 50/50 or 60/40, etc. You can also punch in the time and location of handoffs so that you are extra organized on those days when the kids switch from one house to the other.

If you need to make changes to the days, you can easily send a request through the app and the other co-parent can agree or disagree with the change.

Really, the ease that you can build the calendar is one of the best features because it isn’t frustrating, you can do all of the dates at once without having to program each individual week for those reoccurring events and you can add other people to the calendar, such as extended family, so they know when they are helping you both as co-parents.

2houses Tracks Budgets

Finally, 2houses has an excellent feature that allows you to track the budgets as it concerns the kids. You can mark how much was paid for child support, as well as mark the expenses that go beyond child support. This helps you keep track of what has been paid toward those expenses and what needs to be paid out for anything that is shared.

Another wonderful way to stay organized with the budget is that you can make monthly statements which you can print or save to your own personal files. This is a terrific way to stay organized for tax season. And it allows you to keep documents in case you ever need them in court, which, hopefully, you won’t.

2houses really is the app that helps co-parents organize their co-parenting relationship, lives and information so it is easy to access and right there at the tip of your fingers no matter where you are.

So what are you waiting for, download the app today and get organized.

Co-parenting can be challenging in the most ideal situations, however, when you are dealing with a high-conflict ex-partner, challenging is taken to all new levels. Unfortunately, for the sake of the kids, and often because of the courts in the UK, most parents will still need to co-parent with the partner, no matter how much conflict occurs in the relationship.

Thankfully, there are things that you can do to make co-parenting with a high conflict ex-partner successful and we will go over those tips.

Parental Responsibility, High Conflict and the UK Family Law

In the UK, high conflict does not always mean that there will be caveats made in the courts for your parenting arrangement. Both parents have parental responsibility and they need to be able to co-parent above and beyond that conflict.

However, in the event that there is toxic conflict or domestic violence, the parent can seek legal parameters to reduce the amount of contact and possibly gain full parental responsibility of the children. This is set for extreme situations so if it is simply that you are arguing because of the divorce or settlement, then the courts ask that you work through them with the help of a mediator or family supports.

In those cases, you need to just follow the tips and move forward toward success.

Tip For Success #1: Acceptance

Before you do anything else, take a deep breath and accept how things are. Your relationship can’t be changed at this point, and there is a big chance that you are getting divorced because of that. Accept that your old relationship is over and that you need to find some way to navigate these new waters around your ex-partner.

Next, accept that you can’t change your high conflict ex-partner. By accepting that fact, you can step away from arguments and set those boundaries that you need to successfully co-parent. In addition, when you accept that you can’t change your ex-partner, you can begin to focus on what you can control…your life, job, how you raise your kids when they are at your home, and those trivial things. You will stop trying to control who your ex-partner is or setting expectations (good or bad) that affects how you interact with that person.

Finally, you can accept that your ex-partner will only change if he or she decides to change.

Tip For Success #2: Focus on Low-Conflict

This is primarily around communication but it is best to try to be low-conflict, even when your ex-partner is being high-conflict. If you find that you stumble into arguments when you see each other, ask for a third party for handoffs. You can say that you have to work, etc. to avoid an argument about not picking up or dropping off, or you can be honest and say that you don’t want to chance an argument in front of the kids.

If you can avoid arguments at handoffs, give your ex-partner other ways to discuss high-tension topics. You can suggest a mediation app like 2houses, email, or texting. Try to avoid any face to face or verbal conversations.

When you do any type of communication, make sure that it is low conflict. If you are feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, etc., take the time to calm down and then go and email your ex-partner. This is really important if you get a hurtful email or text. Take a breath, ignore it and approach it once you’ve calmed down.

Tip for Success #3: Don’t Take Things Personally

One of the best tips that I can give you is to not take things personally that your ex-partner says. Remember, when they are high conflict, they want to create conflict with you. And they don’t even need to start an argument with you. They can simply say something hurtful directly or in passing that can be devastating if you take it personally.

Instead, take a moment and collect yourself. Give yourself the assurance that what your ex-partner is saying is not true, that you are a different person than who you were when you were both together. Also, make sure that you go back to the statement that you can’t change that person. They are trying to hurt you and it is coming out in these ways.

And finally, don’t try to defend or explain yourself. What he or she thinks about you doesn’t matter. All that matters is what you think of yourself and your relationship with your kids. If you ignore the hurtful things, don’t take it personal and reaffirm who you are to yourself and your kids, you can avoid a lot of the pitfalls that parenting with a high conflict parent has.

Tip for Success #4: Match Conflict with Calm

It can be extremely easy to step into arguments with a high conflict ex-partner but one of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to not do it. When you step into the sandbox, as is said, you end up sinking to their level and it can become easy to be as damaging as they are.

Instead, set limits for yourself, disengage when you feel those limits being met and find ways to calm down so that you can match his conflict with calm emotion. The main point is to enjoy your life and the time with your kids and if you are left angry from a fight, you can’t do either.

Tip for Success #5: Set Some Boundaries  

Finally, when you are co-parenting with a high conflict ex-partner, it is important to set some boundaries and follow them. You don’t need to reply to every demand, text, email or answer every phone call. You can have space and you can have a protocol for emergencies if there is one.

Don’t let your ex-partner come to your home. Do all the meetings at public places and try to have someone there with you. This can help set boundaries and, if a conflict does happen, you can leave. It is a lot harder to get your ex-partner to leave if they are at your home.

Use a mediator for those moments when your ex-partner is not paying child support or doing things against the custody agreement. Don’t try to solve it yourself. More than likely, they are doing it to start a conflict and you tackling it yourself only feeds that conflict. Get the lawyers or mediators to deal with it.

While it is difficult, you can be successful when co-parenting with a high conflict ex-partner. You just need to set boundaries, avoid conflict and focus on your kids. Everything else doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of raising your kids.

Every parent knows that their extended family is a very important part of their lives when they are married. They provide childcare, offer advice and can be called on for an emergency if needed. Extended families within Canada serve all of these functions. However, what many parents are surprised to find out is that their extended family are integral to enabling them to co-parent effectively after a separation or divorce.

What are Extended Family?

Often, when we think of extended family, we think of grandparents and maybe aunts and uncles. However, that is not the only people who can qualify as extended family. Think about anyone important in your life and who have been important for your children.

With those thoughts in mind, extended family can include:

• Grandparents
• Aunts
• Uncles
• Cousins
• Close Family Friends
• Daycare Teacher
• School Teachers
• Coaches

So what is the role of extended family in Canadian co-parenting?

Well, let’s look at that very important question and go over the answers.

One: They Provide a Support System

The very first role that your extended family will play is the one of support. Remember that you are going from one house to two and this can mean that there are times when you need babysitters, or shuttling to and from places where neither you nor your co-parent can do it.

Extended family often help with this support and they can also be mediators at drop offs if you find that you have a high conflict break up and need someone you can trust to go with you.

It is important to note that extended family should not take sides or bad mouth the other partner, even if they are upset themselves. Around the kids, they should be a united front that is focused a 100% on the needs of the kids and not on the egos that have been hurt in the breakup. It isn’t easy but support should be just that, support.

Two: They Help Build a Child’s Self Esteem

Playing into the same premise of being a support, extended family provide a sense of belonging for the kids and they will look to those adults as role models for them to hold themselves up to. This is a very important role that extended family play because when the kids see their extended family being welcoming to them and their parents, they feel that support. And feeling that support and sense of belonging can increase their self esteem.

Another part of building the child’s self esteem is that extended family can reassure the kids that they are loved and lovable. They can also be people for the kids to talk to about their own fears, concerns and about dealing with the loss of having parents who are together.

With parents, extended family can be united in letting the kids know they are loved, they are welcomed to family events and nothing has changed in how the extended family sees them and all of that will build the child’s self-esteem.

Three: A Sense of Identity

Another important role that extended family play is the role of culture and identity. Children who have links to their extended family can have a sense of belonging to a community and group. This gives them a sense of identity and helps them process the loss that they are experiencing. While their parents are separating, kids can suffer from a sense of identity and being with their extended family can help them find that again.

Something else that is important with this is that kids can be a part of their cultural identity with extended family. Grandparents can teach traditions and language, cultural celebrations with the kids can be shared, and overall, kids can be part of their cultural community through their extended family. 

Four: Feelings of Stability

As you know, separation and divorce affects a child’s stability and their sense of stability as well. Often, houses change as parents move and split property. Schools can change and with that, so can friend groups. Kids feel a lot of turmoil and have a really hard time feeling settled.

That is why it is so important for extended family to be part of their lives. Extended family offer that stability that they need, especially if they were part of the kids’ routines prior to the separation. If there were family get togethers, such as Sunday dinner at the grandparents, kids can still attend and have that normalcy even if only one parent goes to that dinner ever Sunday night.

Another part of this stability is the continuity that they bring with them. Going back to those Sunday dinner, having those traditions continue after the divorce will help your kids setting into being between two houses.

This stability is very important for Canadian co-parents and their kids and will provide a lot of help in being successful co-parents.

Five: Love

While we’ve touched on this many times throughout the entire article, it is a really big one. Extended family provide love for the kids. They can be there when the kids need a break from their parents or when they just want to unwind.

It is important for extended family to provide a place for the kids that is filled with understanding and also to allow the kids time to vent without getting in trouble. When kids have this type of extended family, they can adjust to co-parenting more effectively and their well-being will continue to improve.

There are many ways that extended family members fill important roles in your co-parenting family and it is so important to include them. This helps you, your kids and your ex-partner with their well-being and sense of happiness and it will create a new family dynamic where your kids will always feel the support and love of those around them. So get in there, invite your extended family into your kids’ lives and cheer when you see all the benefits that comes with extended family.

The holidays! They are exciting, often long awaited for and many times extremely stressful for co-parents. There are only so many holidays and often, it can be difficult to really align schedules so that the kids can spend time with both parents over their break. Thankfully, while it can be challenging, there are ways that you can make co-parenting during the holidays extremely easy and enjoyable for all…and we are going to go over those tips in this article.

Find a Co-Parenting Mediation App

I am a huge fan of apps that can make like easier for me and this is especially true when it comes to co-parenting. The very first tip that I always recommend for people is to choose a great co-parenting mediation app. For me, that app is 2houses because it has so many features that make scheduling out those holidays a breeze. Plus, with the albums and journals, even if my kids go away with my ex-partner, I can see what they are doing and that really gives me a peace of mind when I can’t be there.

Plan Ahead

This can go hand in hand with a mediation app, but planning ahead is the best tip you can use when it comes to co-parenting during the holidays. First, kids often have time off school around the same time each year. It may fluctuate by a few days every year but it stays pretty consistent. Second, most schools will hand out a yearly calendar that lets you know when those holidays will be.

So with that in mind, there really is no reason why you can’t plan ahead for the school year and for any of the big holidays that they get.

With planning ahead, there are a few things you want to take into consideration:

1. How the holidays were scheduled the year before? If you alternate holidays, you want to make sure that you are still alternating or splitting them up according to your co-parenting arrangement.
2. Any special events that are happening. Weddings, special events for your kids, special holidays and so on. Think about the things you want your kids to attend, the events that your co-parent will need to attend as well and then plan the holidays around those dates so the kids can be at those events.
3. Your own work schedule. Sometimes holidays need to be shuffled around to reflect your own obligations and work schedule as well as your co-parents.
4. Travel days. If you are planning to travel for vacation with the kids, be sure to take into consideration your travel days so you aren’t eating into the other co-parent’s holiday plans.

Be Flexible

When you are trying to co-parent during the holiday, try to be flexible. Holiday plans can fall through. Work may change vacation time and there can be a dozen other things that can change. As co-parents, plan for contingencies if something happens. This will help cut down on the conflict between you and your co-parent and will also allow you to really enjoy the time that you can get.

With the contingencies, be sure to have another activity the kids can do as a backup plan if other events fall through. This way they will feel less disappointment as they can still do something fun on a day they were supposed to be doing something different.

Negotiate the Schedule

During holidays, schedules can really go out the window. It’s hard to make bedtimes, in hotels you may miss out on bath and bedtime routines, and travel days can wreak havoc on any time of normalcy that you create. However, schedules and routines are really important for kids, especially those going through separation or divorce, and it can lead to conflict if one parent is not following the regular rules and schedules you’ve set up.

However, holidays are a break, and sometimes that means it’s a break from the regular routines so be a little lenient on this. In addition, agree with your co-parent what changes to schedules and routines will happen over the holiday. Be sure to mark routines that are inflexible, but make changes with other ones that aren’t.

In addition, remember to discuss the gradual return to those routines so the kids are ready for school. Both co-parents will need to work the school schedule back into the kids’ routines so make sure you are discussing this as well.

Communicate with your Co-Parent

Finally, make sure that you are communicating with your co-parent. This can be done easily with a co-parenting mediation app but you can also communicate in person, by email and by phone. If you are travelling out of town with the kids for the holiday, have emergency ways to contact you and the kids through giving your co-parent the numbers to hotels you are staying at as well as your trip schedule.

In addition, make sure that you communicate when there are any changes. The sooner you discuss a change, the easier it is to avoid a conflict over the holidays. When you are communicating, be sure to approach it from a place of mutual respect and understanding. Being away from the kids for a longer period can be exceedingly difficult for all and that can lead to some harder emotions surfacing. When you communicate with mutual respect, it allows both co-parents to express their concerns without feeling judged by them.

Communication during the holidays should continue every day, even if you send a quick photo or a quick note to tell them everything is going great. This will help reduce the stress and everyone will feel better about those holidays.

Co-parenting during the holidays does not need to be difficult. It just takes planning, communication and negotiating with your co-parent to create the best holiday for your kids. Once you do all the planning and legwork to get to the holidays by following these tips, you should be able to simply sit back…well…sit back as much as a busy parent can… and enjoy the holiday.

Parenting has a lot of responsibilities. In fact, many co-parents will comment on just how many are involved when they sit down and list out the shared responsibilities. It isn’t that they weren’t always there…they were… but a lot of parenting is hidden work—things that you do without even realizing that you are doing it as

So it is no surprise that many parents who are now experiencing co-parenting end up struggling with how to share those parenting responsibilities. Thankfully, we are here to guide you through with some important tips.

Shared Parenting Responsibilities in Australia

Before we launch into the tips, it is really important to understand how parenting responsibility works in Australia. First, parenting responsibilities means all of the duties, powers and authority that you have regarding your children. You are responsible to provide for the best needs of your children and you have the right to make decisions for your child.

Second, parents have the right to make decisions about their child independently from the other parent. What that means is that a major decision doesn’t need to be run past the other parent before it is made.

Third, for parents to have equal shared responsibilities, they need to request a court order (or make one) so that both parents are needed to make major decisions for the children.

Now that we know the parameters of parenting responsibilities in Australia, let’s look at how to share those parenting responsibilities that you have.

Tip Number One: Figure out the Expenses

The first thing that you should do when sharing parenting responsibilities is to figure out expenses. Child support payments often cover the living expenses but none of the extras. Things like school uniforms, school supplies, emergency payments for dental, etc. are not usually factored into the child support payments.

That means that parents have to agree to what they are paying out in addition to child support and how those extra expenses are going to be shared. This is really important as it can often be one of the biggest conflict topics between co-parents. Our advice is to use a co-parenting app that tracks expense spending so everyone knows what their share is and you don’t have to argue about it later.

Tip Number Two: Be Realistic

Parenting can be emotional and co-parenting can add all new layers to how you are feeling as a parent. That is why it is so easy to step into the sandbox and start arguing with your co-parent over decisions and other matters. The best tip that I can give you on this is to be realistic and put those emotions aside.

If you need to, take a step back and compose yourself and work through your emotions first. If you approach your co-parent upset, it can lead to a possible conflict, which is something you do not want to have happen.

With decisions, think about what you want to give your children realistically, what you can compromise on and what you won’t. Then discuss these things either in person or through email or a mediation app. When you take the emotion out of shared parenting responsibilities, you can move forward much easier.

Tip Number Three: Agree to Rules and Routines

Routines change as your kids grow up and they will also change as a co-parent; however, one of the best ways to share parenting responsibilities is to sit down and work out what the kids’ rules and routines will be.

Once you have them worked out, both parents need to follow them. If there are going to be any changes to those routines or rules, both parents need to sit down and agree to them. Don’t change a rule or routine without discussing it with your co-parent first. By doing this, you are showing that you are in a partnership and while it may not be the same partnership you had when you were together, it can be just as nurturing for your kids and filled with respect for each other as before.

Tip Number Four: Divide the Harder Responsibilities

Even if you aren’t with your kids, there can be some responsibilities that you take over completely for the other parent so things aren’t 100% on their shoulders or yours. Things like deciding who will do all the doctor appointments, who will do dental appointments and so on can be split up. You can also work out shuttling to and from events, especially if an activity or event falls on your visitation days.

When you share the busy work, it helps both parents feel like they are involved in their children’s lives, even when they aren’t with them all the time.

Tip Number Five: Share, Share and Share

Finally, share information with your co-parent. Let them know what is happening with the kids, with schedules and if you are doing the doctor’s appointments, with their doctors.

In addition to that, share when you are overwhelmed and need some help with your responsibilities. It is better to ask for help than to allow things to become overwhelming. We all have periods when work is putting more responsibilities on us or there might be life things happening where you need to shift some of the parenting responsibilities. And be open to being that emergency resource for your co-parent. The more you are able to share, the more connected your extended family will feel in this co-parenting dynamic.

By following these tips, you can be sure to provide your kids with the absolute best care they need all while sharing the parenting responsibilities with your co-parent. This will only have continued benefits for you, your kids and everyone involved with your family from stepparents to grandparents and beyond.

Co-parenting can be difficult even in the best of circumstances but when you have a high-conflict ex-partner, co-parenting can be almost impossible. In this article, we will offer some amazing tips that will help you co-parent with a high-conflict ex-partner so that your kids can have their needs met, even if their parents are not getting along.

Put Yourself First

One thing that I want to start with is that you really need to focus on you. When you are dealing with a high conflict ex-partner, it is extremely easy to forget about yourself and making sure that your well-being is taken care of. Don’t put yourself in situations where you are trying to make him or her feel better all the time. And don’t feel that you have to engage with every single conflict that arises between you.

Remember to take time to destress after you’ve had to interact with your high conflict ex-partner by doing things that you love. Some suggestions are:

• Go for a walk to clear your mind.
• Talk to a therapist.
• Eat a healthy diet
• Exercise daily: try yoga for meditation.
• Make sure you sleep every day

When you are taking care of your needs, you are more able to deal with those unavoidable high conflict interactions with your ex-partner.

Use a Mediation App

One of the best things that you can do when you are dealing with a high conflict ex-partner is to use some type of mediation service or a mediation app. One of my favorite is 2houses because they enable co-parents to do everything through the app instead of having to have face to fact meetings where the majority of the conflict occurs.

With 2houses, parents can plan the calendar, send notes, store documents and even follow an expense sheet. All of these features allows parents to reduce the amount of tension between them and since kids can also access the app, it helps keep all parents focused on neutral interactions whenever interacting on the app.

Set Boundaries with your Ex-Partner

Another useful strategy is to set boundaries with your ex-partner. You don’t need to know everything that is going on in his life and he doesn’t need to know everything that is going on in yours. Instead, focus on the kids and center all of your conversations on them and what is happening in their lives. The only time you mention your life is when it directly impacts the kids or visitation.

When you set boundaries, also make sure that you have boundaries on when your ex-partner can contact you. If you need to talk directly, set appointments. Make it a rule that you never have serious discussions at handoffs and never in front of the kids. Think of them as appointments even if it is through email or by phone. Let them know that you will only respond to emails during set hours and stick with that. Unless it is an emergency, ignore their phone calls, texts and emails if it is outside of those set times.

Choose Neutral Spaces

Whenever you have to meet with your ex, whether it is for mediation meetings, picking up your kids, etc., choose to do so in neutral spaces. Hand off at restaurants or places where you feel safe. If you and your ex have an extremely volatile relationship, bring a person who you can trust, or discuss having supervised or third party handoffs.

Do not invite your ex-partner to your home for these handoffs as it can be quite easy to fall into conflicts with your ex-partner when you are alone and somewhere private, even when the kids are there.

Have a Script

Conversations with your ex-partner can follow a script. You talk about the kids, what is happening with them and not about yourself. Any time the conversation turns toward something about you, or a high conflict topic, go back to that script and steer it back to the kids. Don’t flat out refuse to talk, but let them know that now isn’t the time and let’s set an appointment.

If the script isn’t working, leave the situation so it doesn’t become unsafe.

Use Parallel Parenting

If all else fails, one thing that you can try is to use parallel parenting. This is when you are both with the kids according to your arrangement but you do not interact together. Hand offs of the kids are done with a third party or a family member. All communication is done through emails or through a mediation app, as mentioned above, and you keep journals to focus on the kids alone.

With parallel parenting, you do many of the things that you would as a co-parent; however, you do them separately. For instance, any appointments or events that you would normally do together, you set up a second appointment or you alternate. One appointment you go, the other appointment your ex-partner.

Another way that you do parallel parenting is that you divide the decision making. Instead of both parents signing off on every decision, often common in co-parenting, one parent makes all the decisions in one area of the kids’ lives and the other parent makes all the decision in others. For instance, one parent makes the decision on house rules, the other makes decisions on school trips.

While you are still co-parenting, because you are minimizing contact, you are less likely to have high conflict experiences with your ex-partner. This helps keep everything focused on the kids and you can find ways to communicate without the stress that often comes with having a high conflict ex-partner.

As you can see, there are many different strategies that you can use to deal with a high conflict ex-partner in your co-parenting plan. However, that being said, it comes down to minimizing contact, making use of mediation and, above everything, taking care of your emotional well-being so that you have the energy to deal with the high conflict ex-partner. If you do all of those things, you have this and you and your kids will be all the better for it.