Author: Alexandra

If you’re reading this, you’re probably exhausted. The equal custody schedule you agreed to during your divorce seemed fair at the time, but now? It feels like you’re constantly shuffling your kids between houses, forgetting permission slips, and arguing over who picks up from soccer practice.

You’re not alone who is facing all of these.  And more importantly, you’re not failing.

At 2houses, we work with thousands of co-parents, and here’s what we’ve learned: sometimes the “fairest” schedule on paper isn’t the best schedule for your actual life. Today, let’s talk about when it makes sense to move from 50/50 custody (where your child splits time equally between both homes) to a 70/30 arrangement (where one parent has the kids about 70% of the time).

This isn’t about one parent “winning” or the other “losing.” It’s about creating a schedule that actually works for your family.

Why 50/50 Custody Feels Right at First

When you first separate, splitting everything down the middle seems like the obvious choice. Both of you love your kids equally. Both of you want to be involved. And let’s be honest—50/50 also helps with child support calculations in most states.

For many families, equal custody works great. You both stay connected to your kids’ daily lives. You share the responsibilities. Your children maintain strong relationships with both of you.

But here’s the thing: what works for a 3-year-old might not work for a 10-year-old. What made sense when you lived five minutes apart doesn’t work when one of you takes a job across town. And sometimes, equal time doesn’t mean equal responsibility.

When 50/50 Starts Feeling More Like 70/30 (But Nobody’s Admitting It)

Let me paint you a picture. Does this sound familiar?

You’re supposed to have equal custody, but somehow you’re the one who is doing most of the things alone. Like:

• Remembers all the doctor appointments
• Buys the school supplies
• Coordinates playdates
• Handles the homework struggles
• Stays up with your sick kid (even on the other parent’s nights)

Meanwhile, your ex gets their 50% time but doesn’t deal with the day-to-day management. Or maybe they travel constantly for work and have to swap days every other week.

Your child is bouncing between houses four times a week. They’re forgetting their soccer cleats at the wrong house. Their grades are slipping because homework gets lost in the shuffle. They’re telling you they’re tired of “living out of a backpack.”

If you’re nodding your head, your 50/50 schedule might be creating more problems than it’s solving.

What 70/30 Custody Actually Looks Like

A 70/30 custody arrangement means one parent becomes the primary home base. Typically, this looks like:

Primary parent (70%): Has the kids on school nights and most weekends Non-primary parent (30%): Gets every other weekend (Friday after school through Monday morning) plus one evening during the week for dinner or an overnight

Your specific schedule might look different, but the idea is the same. Your child has one main home where they keep most of their stuff, follow a consistent routine, and don’t constantly pack bags.

When You Should Consider Making the Switch From 50/50 to 70/30 Custody

1. Someone Moved (or Is About to Move)

If you or your ex moves more than 1-2 hours away from the old neighborhood, those constant pickups and drop-offs become a nightmare. Your kid spends more time in the car than with either parent.

Courts understand this. Distance alone is often enough reason to shift to a 70/30 schedule.

2. Work Schedules Changed

Maybe your ex got promoted and now travels three weeks a month. Maybe you lost your job and have more flexibility now. Maybe one of you switched to night shifts.

When work demands make the current 50/50 impossible to maintain, it’s time to adjust.

3. Your Child Is Struggling

This is the big one. Is your child:

• Having more meltdowns than usual?
• Complaining about going back and forth?
• Forgetting homework or falling behind in school?
• Seeming anxious or withdrawn?
• Having trouble sleeping on transition nights?

Kids are resilient, but constant transitions are hard on them. If you’re seeing these signs, your child might need more stability.

4. One Parent Is Carrying Most of the Load

Be honest, who actually manages your child’s life? If one parent is doing 70% of the work but only getting credit for 50% of the time, the schedule doesn’t match reality.

5. You’re Constantly Fighting About Logistics

If every week involves text arguments about who’s picking up, who has what clothes, who forgot to pack the retainer, who’s taking them to the doctor. Your schedule is too complicated.

When You Definitely Shouldn’t Switch

Not every situation calls for a change. Keep your 50/50 if:

• Both parents are truly equal partners who share responsibilities fairly
• Your child is thriving under the current arrangement
• You live close to each other and transitions are easy
• Your only reason for changing is to reduce child support—courts see through this
• Your ex is a good parent and there’s no legitimate reason to reduce their time
• Your child is old enough to have a say (usually 12+) and strongly wants to keep things equal

It’s Not Always Easy to Change As Legal Things Involved Here

Here’s what most parents don’t realize: you can’t just decide to change custody on your own. If you have a court order for 50/50, you’ll need either:

1. Both parents to agree to the new schedule (the easy way), or
2. A judge to approve the change (the hard way)

If you go to court, you’ll need to prove two things:

First: Something significant has changed since your last custody order. Courts call this a “material and substantial change in circumstances.” This could be:

• A parent relocating
• Job changes that affect availability
• Health issues
• Your child’s needs changing as they grow
• Evidence that the current schedule is harming your child

Second: The new 70/30 schedule is actually better for your child. Not just more convenient for you.

You’ll need evidence. Keep track of:

• Your actual schedule for at least 2-3 months
• Who handles what responsibilities
• School attendance and grades
• Any behavioral issues
• Communication with your ex about problems

How to Actually Make the Change

Step 1: Have an Honest Conversation

Before you lawyer up, try talking. Pick a calm time (not during pickup) and say something like:

“I’ve been thinking about our schedule. I know we wanted 50/50 to work, but with everything that’s changed, I’m worried it’s too hard on [child’s name]. Can we talk about some options?”

Focus on your child’s needs, not keeping score.

Step 2: Try It Out Before Making It Official

If your ex is open to it, test the new schedule for a month or two before changing your court order. This gives everyone a chance to adjust and see if it actually works better.

Step 3: Use a Co-parenting app to Stay Organized

Our 2houses co=parenting app can help you:

• Share a calendar so everyone knows the schedule
• Track expenses and split costs fairly
• Message each other without endless text threads
• Keep all your co-parenting information in one place

When everyone can see what’s happening, there’s less room for confusion and arguments.

Step 4: Figure Out the Money

When custody time changes, child support usually changes too. The non-primary parent typically pays more in child support when they have less parenting time.

Look up your state’s child support calculator online to get a rough idea. Remember: child support is for your child’s needs, not a punishment.

Step 5: Make It Official

Once you’ve worked out the details, put it in writing. Even if you’re agreeing without going to court, you’ll want to:

• File a modification with the court
• Update your parenting plan
• Include details about holidays, vacations, and decision-making

Most states let you do this through mediation first, which is way cheaper and less stressful than a trial.

Final Words,

Listen, divorce is hard. Co-parenting is harder. And sometimes the schedule you started with just doesn’t work anymore. And that’s okay.

Switching from 50/50 to 70/30 isn’t giving up or being unfair. Sometimes it’s the most loving thing you can do for your child. More stability, less stress, fewer arguments, and a schedule that matches real life? That’s a win for everyone.

If you’re struggling with your current custody arrangement, trust your gut. You know your child better than anyone. If something isn’t working, you don’t have to just live with it.

And hey, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether you’re just exploring options or ready to make a change, tools like 2houses can help make co-parenting smoother. Because at the end of the day, you’re all on the same team: Team Do What’s Best for the Kids.

Need help managing your co-parenting schedule? Download the 2houses app and take the stress out of shared custody.

Hey. We know how this feels.

You’ve done the hard work. You’ve shown up. You’ve followed the plan. Every weekend, every holiday, every doctor’s appointment. You’ve texted politely. You’ve been patient. You’ve put your child’s needs first.

And then… they don’t show up.
Or they show up 90 minutes late, again.
Or they take the kids to another state without telling you.
Or they cancel your weekend because “something came up,” even though it’s in the court order.
You’re furious. You’re exhausted. You’re wondering if you’re the only one trying.
You’re not alone.

And the truth is you’re not alone. And this isn’t just about “fairness.” It’s about your child’s safety, stability, and peace of mind. Let’s walk through what you can do when your co-parent breaks the parenting plan.

What Your Parenting Plan Is and When It’s Being Broken

Think of your parenting plan as your family’s rulebook after divorce. It’s a written agreement that outlines how you and your co-parent will raise your children while living separately. This isn’t just a suggestion – it’s a court order that both parents must follow.

Your plan typically covers:

Living arrangements: When your children spend time with each parent, including schedules for holidays, vacations, and special days

Decision-making: How you’ll make important choices about your children’s education, healthcare, religious upbringing, and other major life decisions

Communication: How you and your co-parent will talk to each other, and how your children will stay in touch with the parent they’re not currently with

Because this plan is a legal document, violating it has real consequences. This isn’t just about breaking a personal agreement – it’s about disobeying a court order, which can lead to serious legal outcomes.

Common Types of Violations

Not every small mistake counts as a serious violation. Courts understand that life happens – sometimes a parent might be late for pickup because of unexpected traffic, or there might be a genuine misunderstanding about the schedule. The difference between a minor slip-up and a serious violation usually comes down to how often it happens and whether it seems intentional.

Here are the most common violations we see:

Time-sharing issues: This happens when one parent doesn’t let the children spend the court-ordered time with the other parent, or consistently returns them late.

Communication problems: When a parent doesn’t let the children call or video chat with the other parent, or interferes with their communication in other ways.

Decision-making oversteps: Making major decisions about the children without consulting the other parent, especially when your plan requires joint decisions.

Moving without permission: This is particularly serious – when a parent moves the children to a new location without following the proper legal procedures or getting the other parent’s consent.

A single late drop-off might be annoying, but it’s probably not worth going to court over. But if your co-parent consistently returns the children late, that pattern shows disrespect for the court order and is more serious. And something like moving away without permission? That’s an immediate red flag that requires quick action.

Make Your First Moves. Stay Smart, Not Emotional

When you realize the plan’s been broken, your gut might say to lash out. But trust us, that’s not the way to win this. We’ve coached hundreds of co-parents through our app, and the ones who succeed are those who stay cool and strategic. Emotions can backfire in court, so let’s break down the first three steps we recommend.

Step 1: Pause and Double-Check. Grab your copy of the parenting plan and read it again. Is this really a violation, or is there some wiggle room? Maybe it’s a misunderstanding. Taking a deep breath—maybe step away from your phone for a bit—helps you shift from upset to focused. We’ve seen this simple pause prevent a lot of unnecessary drama.

Step 2: Document Like Your Case Depends on It (Because It Does). 

This is huge. Without proof, it’s your word against theirs, and courts need evidence. Start a log right away. Use our app’s tracking features if you have it—it’s perfect for this. Record dates, times, what happened, and how it affects your kid. Save texts, emails, photos, or even school records. Witnesses? Note their details too.

Here’s what to document:

Type of Evidence	What to Record	Why It Matters
Written log	Dates, times, and descriptions of each incident	Shows patterns of behavior over time
Messages	Save all texts, emails, or app communications	Provides direct proof of what was said
Photos/videos	Visual evidence of missed exchanges or other violations	Creates compelling proof for court
School records	Attendance during your co-parent’s time	Shows if they’re meeting educational responsibilities
Witness information	Names and contacts of people who saw what happened	Adds independent support to your claims

Step 3: Try Talking to your co-parent.  After you’ve documented the issue, try to resolve it directly with your co-parent. Many problems happen because of simple misunderstandings or poor communication. When you reach out, stay calm and focus on the facts – not on blaming or criticizing.

Written communication works best because it creates a record. A simple message like, “I noticed the children were returned two hours late on Saturday. The parenting plan specifies 6 PM return time. Can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” keeps things factual and gives your co-parent a chance to respond reasonably.

If they respond negatively or refuse to cooperate, their messages become part of your documentation too. This shows the court you tried to work things out reasonably.

Next-Level Options : From Talking to Taking Action

If talking doesn’t work, it’s time for formal steps. We’re not lawyers, but based on what we’ve learned from experts and our community, here are your main paths. Start with the least confrontational to keep things civil for your kid.

Option 1: Mediation – A Neutral Fix. This is like couples therapy but for co-parenting. A mediator (often a pro in family issues) helps you both agree on a solution. It’s cheaper and quicker than court, plus you get more say in the outcome. Courts love it because it shows you’re trying to cooperate. We’ve partnered with mediation services in our app—many parents find it de-escalates things and rebuilds trust.

Option 2: Go Legal with a Motion. If mediation flops, file a Motion for Enforcement. This asks the court to make your co-parent follow the plan. You’ll need your docs ready for a hearing. Remedies could include extra time for you or fines for them. For really willful stuff, consider contempt of court—it’s tougher to prove but can lead to jail in extreme cases. We suggest starting with enforcement; if they keep ignoring, it builds your case for stronger action.

Option 3: Change the Plan Altogether. If violations keep happening, you might need a new plan. Show the court there’s a big change in circumstances (like ongoing breaks) and that a tweak is best for your child. This could mean less time for them or more for you. It’s a big step, so gather strong proof.

In our experience, starting small often works, but don’t hesitate to protect your family if needed.

How Courts View Parenting Plan Violations

When your case reaches court, the judge has one main concern: what’s best for your children.

The Child’s Best Interests Come First

Courts don’t care about which parent “wins” – they care about your children’s well-being. Judges want to see that both parents are putting their children’s needs above their own conflicts.

How you behave matters, too. If you’re constantly badmouthing your co-parent to your children or trying to turn them against the other parent, the court may see you as not prioritizing your children’s best interests. This can hurt your case, even if you’re the one who was originally wronged.

What the Court Might Do

If the court finds that your co-parent has violated the parenting plan, they have several options:

• Make-up time: Order extra time with you to compensate for what was missed
• Financial penalties: Fine your co-parent or make them pay your legal fees
• Mandatory classes: Require your co-parent to take parenting classes or go to counseling
• Contempt of court: In serious cases, this could mean fines or even jail time
• Custody changes: For repeated, serious violations, the court might reduce your co-parent’s parenting time or even change which parent has primary custody

Remember, going to court always involves some risk. If you file a motion but can’t prove your case, the judge might order you to pay your co-parent’s legal fees. That’s why good documentation is so important.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been through it. The endless texts. The “corrections” to your parenting. The way they turn every pickup into a power play. The way your child comes home quiet, confused, or suddenly repeating things they shouldn’t even know.

You’re not crazy.
You’re not overreacting.
And you’re definitely not alone.

We’ve seen countless parents stuck in the very same spot you’re in right now.

So many divorced moms have told us, “I thought if I just explained things better—if I used clear language, cited research, stayed calm, showed up on time, listened more—maybe then I’d finally get through to him. I thought love and logic would win.”

But they didn’t.

What worked instead? Silence. Boundaries. Structure. And finally letting go of the need to be understood by someone who will never truly listen.

This isn’t a guide about “fixing” your co-parent.
It’s about protecting your child—and yourself—when your ex is a cerebral narcissist.

And yes, I know that term sounds clinical. But if you’ve ever been told, “You’re too emotional to make decisions,” or “Your parenting is unscientific,” or been corrected on grammar in a text about pick-up times… you know exactly what I mean.

Let’s start.

What Exactly Is a Cerebral Narcissist?

Let’s start by understanding what you’re dealing with. A cerebral narcissist is someone who feeds their ego through their intellect – or what they think is superior intelligence. Unlike other types of narcissists who focus on looks or play the victim, cerebral narcissists use their “smarts” as a weapon.

Here’s what this looks like in everyday life:

• They always need to be the smartest person in the room
• They talk down to people and use big words to show off
• They correct your grammar or nitpick your word choices
• They act like they’re too intelligent for “regular” people
• They can’t handle being wrong about anything

Sound familiar? If your ex constantly makes you feel stupid or inferior, you’re probably dealing with a cerebral narcissist.

The problem is that these traits don’t disappear after divorce. In fact, they often get worse because your ex has lost their daily control over you and is desperately trying to get it back through your co-parenting relationship.

The Red Flags: How They Show Up in Co-Parenting

We’ve seen these patterns over and over again. Your cerebral narcissist ex will likely do some or all of these things:

They gaslight you constantly. When you remember a conversation one way, they’ll insist it happened differently. They’ll make you question your own memory and sanity. This isn’t an accident – it’s a deliberate tactic to maintain control.

Every little thing becomes a huge fight. Need to switch a weekend? Prepare for a three-hour text battle. Want to take your child to a school event during “their” time? Get ready for accusations and drama. They turn normal parenting discussions into warfare because conflict gives them the attention they crave.

They try to control your parenting time. They demand to know every detail of what you’re doing with your child. They call or text constantly during your time together. They insist on being involved in decisions that should be yours to make.

They badmouth you to your child. This is the most painful part. They may tell your child that you’re not smart enough, not caring enough, or somehow dangerous. They might play the victim and make your child feel responsible for taking care of them.

Here’s the hard truth we’ve learned: your ex isn’t doing these things because they care more about your child. They’re doing them because they need to feel superior and in control. Your emotional reactions – your anger, frustration, and hurt – actually feed their ego.

Parallel Parenting Could be a Game-Changer:

After years of helping parents in high-conflict situations, we’ve found that the traditional co-parenting model simply doesn’t work with narcissists. Trying to cooperate with someone who sees every interaction as a competition is like trying to have a reasonable discussion with someone who’s actively trying to provoke you.

That’s where parallel parenting comes in. Instead of trying to work together, you operate separately. Think of it like two parallel lines that never cross – you’re both parenting your child, but you’re not trying to coordinate or collaborate.

Here’s how it works:

• Minimal communication – only the absolute essentials
• Independent decision-making – each parent makes day-to-day decisions during their time
• Legal structure – everything important is spelled out in your parenting plan
• Professional boundaries – you treat interactions like a business relationship

This isn’t giving up on your child. This is protecting your child from ongoing conflict and protecting yourself from emotional abuse.

Your Communication Survival Kit

The way you communicate with your narcissist ex can make or break your parallel parenting success. We recommend two powerful methods that have helped thousands of parents:

The BIFF Method

Every message you send should be:

• Brief – Keep it short and to the point
• Informative – Share only necessary information about your child
• Friendly – Maintain a neutral, business-like tone
• Firm – State your position without over-explaining

Instead of: “I can’t believe you’re doing this again! You always try to control everything and make my life difficult. This is exactly why our marriage didn’t work. I’m taking Emma to soccer practice whether you like it or not because she loves it and you’re just being spiteful.”

Try: “Emma has soccer practice on Saturday at 2 PM. I’ll pick her up at 1:30 PM.”

The Gray Rock Method

When your ex tries to bait you into an argument (and they will), become as boring as a gray rock. Don’t give them the emotional reaction they’re looking for.

When they send a nasty text calling you irresponsible, don’t defend yourself with a long explanation. Just respond with “Okay” or don’t respond at all.

This kills their supply. They’re looking for drama, emotion, and conflict. When you don’t give it to them, they often lose interest and move on. Check out this article where we discuss in depth about gray rock method.

Building Your Legal Shield

Here’s something we tell every parent we work with: verbal agreements with a narcissist are worthless. They will deny what they said, twist your words, and use any flexibility against you.

You need everything in writing and legally binding:

Get a detailed parenting plan that covers every possible scenario. Don’t leave room for interpretation. Specify exact times, locations, and who’s responsible for what.

Use only written communication through email or a co-parenting app. This creates a permanent record that protects you from gaslighting and provides evidence if you need to go back to court.

Work with professionals who understand high-conflict situations. Not all lawyers and mediators know how to handle narcissists. Find ones who specialize in high-conflict divorces and understand the manipulation tactics you’re facing.

Protecting Your Child’s Heart and Mind

This is probably your biggest worry: how is all this conflict affecting your child? We understand that fear because we’ve seen how much damage a narcissistic parent can do.

Your child might:

• Start repeating negative things your ex says about you
• Seem anxious or confused after visits with your ex
• Try to take care of your ex emotionally
• Push away from you to avoid feeling “disloyal” to your ex

This breaks your heart, and it’s natural to want to fight back or defend yourself. But here’s what we’ve learned works better:

Don’t put your child in the middle. Never ask them to carry messages or spy on your ex. Don’t quiz them about what happens at your ex’s house.

Don’t badmouth your ex. As tempting as it is to tell your child the truth about their other parent, this usually backfires. Your child identifies with both parents, and criticizing your ex feels like criticizing them.

Be the safe haven. Make your home a peaceful, drama-free zone. When your child comes back from your ex’s house, give them space to decompress. Don’t demand immediate affection or information.

Validate their feelings without taking sides. If your child seems upset after a visit, say something like “I can see you’re feeling confused. That must be hard.” Don’t try to fix everything or explain why their other parent acts certain ways.

Model healthy behavior. Show your child what emotional regulation looks like. Demonstrate empathy, respect, and appropriate boundaries. This gives them tools they’ll need for life.

Remember: you can’t control what happens at your ex’s house, but you can control what happens at yours. Focus your energy there.

It’s Time to Protect Your Future

We know this is exhausting. Some days you’ll wonder if it’s worth it. You’ll question whether you’re doing the right thing. You’ll feel guilty for not being able to give your child the “normal” co-parenting relationship you see other families have.

Here’s what we want you to remember: you’re playing the long game.

Right now, your ex might seem to be “winning” – they might have more time with your child or seem to be your child’s favorite. But children grow up. They develop critical thinking skills. They start to see patterns and understand manipulation.

The consistent, unconditional love you provide will be your child’s anchor. The peaceful home you create will be their safe space. The healthy boundaries you model will teach them how to protect themselves in future relationships.

Years from now, when your child is an adult, they’ll understand what you went through to protect them. They’ll appreciate the parent who didn’t drag them through endless drama, who didn’t force them to choose sides, and who gave them at least one home where they could just be a kid.

Your Action Plan. Try to Start From Today

If you’re ready to try parallel parenting, here’s what you can do right now:

1. Stop trying to reason with your ex. Accept that they will never prioritize your child’s needs over their own ego. This isn’t giving up – it’s facing reality.
2. Start documenting everything. Save all text messages, emails, and notes about interactions. This protects you legally and helps you see patterns of behavior.
3. Switch to written communication only. No more phone calls or face-to-face discussions unless absolutely necessary.
4. Review your parenting plan. If it’s vague or doesn’t cover important details, work with a lawyer to get it updated.
5. Build your support system. Find a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse. Join support groups for high-conflict co-parenting. You don’t have to do this alone.
6. Take care of yourself. This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to stay healthy and strong for your child.

You’re Stronger Than You Know

If you’ve made it this far, you’re already showing incredible strength and dedication to your child. Co-parenting with a cerebral narcissist is one of the hardest challenges a parent can face, but thousands of parents have successfully navigated this path using parallel parenting strategies.

Remember: your worth as a parent isn’t measured by your ex’s opinion of you. Your success isn’t determined by whether you can make co-parenting work with someone who’s actively working against you. Your value comes from the love, stability, and protection you provide your child.

You didn’t choose this situation, but you can choose how you respond to it. Parallel parenting gives you the tools to stop the chaos, protect your child, and reclaim your peace of mind.

The road ahead isn’t easy, but you don’t have to walk it alone. We’re here to support you every step of the way, and we believe in your ability to create a better future for you and your child.

We know co-parenting isn’t easy. You’re doing your best to raise your kids together after divorce or separation. But sometimes it comes with challenges you never expected. One of the biggest? Watching your child struggle with anxiety as they move between two homes.

If you’re seeing signs like clinginess, meltdowns at drop-off time, mysterious stomachaches, or your child suddenly refusing to visit their other parent, you’re not alone. We work with divorced and separated parents every day, and child anxiety during transitions is one of the most common issues we help families navigate.

The good news is, with the right approach, you can help your child not just cope with these feelings, but actually build strength from them. 

Why Kids Get Anxious During Co-Parenting (And Why That’s Actually Normal)

First, let’s understand what’s happening in your child’s mind. Anxiety isn’t your enemy – it’s actually your child’s brain trying to keep them safe. When their world feels unpredictable (like switching between homes, different bedtimes, or sensing tension between parents), their internal alarm system kicks in.

We see this all the time: kids worry about making both parents happy, fear missing one parent while they’re with the other, or even regress to behaviors like bedwetting when they feel overwhelmed. Some children become extra sensitive, picking up on every emotion in the room.

Here’s what we want you to remember: anxiety itself isn’t harmful. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but it’s also completely normal. The problem comes when we accidentally make it worse by treating it like something dangerous.

For example, if your child has a meltdown at drop-off and you decide to skip the visit “just this once,” you’re sending a message that their fear was justified. Short-term relief, but long-term, you’ve made the anxiety stronger.

We encourage you to think of your highly sensitive child as having a superpower that just needs some guidance. These kids often grow up to be incredibly empathetic and perceptive adults.

Start With Yourself (This Might Be The Most Important Part)

Here’s something we tell every parent we work with: your child is constantly reading your emotional temperature. If you’re anxious about drop-offs, they’ll pick up on that and assume there’s something to worry about.

We get it. Maybe you’re concerned about your co-parent’s house rules, or you’re still processing hurt feelings from the divorce. That’s completely normal. But your child doesn’t need to carry those worries.

What we recommend:

• Take a few deep breaths before transitions
• If you catch yourself feeling anxious, try reframing: “Their routine might be different, but my child is safe and resilient”
• Avoid pumping your child for information after visits. This tells them something was wrong
• Model healthy coping by talking through your feelings out loud: “I’m feeling a little worried about traffic, so I’m going to take some deep breaths to stay calm”

Remember our favorite phrase: “We can do hard things.” Say it to yourself, say it to your child. It works.

During your kid-free time, take care of yourself. Read a book, call a friend, go for a walk. When you’re recharged, you’re better equipped to be the calm, confident parent your child needs.

Working Together With Your Co-Parent (Even When It’s Hard)

The best thing you can do for your anxious child is present a united front with your co-parent. We know this can feel impossible, especially if communication is strained, but even small steps make a big difference.

Try this approach:

• Focus conversations on your child’s needs, not past grievances
• Share what you’re noticing: “Jamie seems nervous about transitions. Can we brainstorm some routines that might help?”
• Work together on consistency where possible. Similar bedtimes, rules, and expectations across both homes
• Never, ever badmouth your co-parent in front of your child (even when you’re frustrated)

Instead, try saying things like: “You’re going to have such a great time with Dad today – he’s amazing at building those Lego projects you love.”

If direct communication is too difficult, consider using a co-parenting app to keep things business-like and documented. We’ve seen this reduce anxiety for both parents and kids.

Create new traditions together: Maybe it’s a special stuffed animal that travels between homes, or a shared photo album your child can take everywhere. These small touches help normalize the back-and-forth.

Making Transitions Smoother (The Drop-Off Survival Guide)

Drop-offs don’t have to be dramatic. In fact, the calmer and more routine you make them, the easier they become for everyone.

Our proven transition strategy:

• Keep exchanges brief and business-like (think friendly, not emotional)
• Create a consistent goodbye ritual. Maybe a special handshake or three quick hugs
• Prepare your child without overdoing it: “Tomorrow after school, you’ll go to Mom’s house. Let’s pack your favorite book to take with you”
• Validate feelings without empowering the fear: “I can see you’re feeling nervous about going. New things can feel tricky, but I know you can handle this”

Avoid these common mistakes:

• Don’t ask leading questions like “Are you scared about going to Dad’s?”
• Instead try: “How are you feeling about this weekend?”
• Don’t make big changes in emotional moments. Just stick to the plan, then problem-solve later with your co-parent

If things get really difficult, consider neutral drop-off locations like school or a community center. We’ve seen this help reduce tension significantly.

Teaching Your Child to Handle Big Feelings

This is where you become your child’s emotional coach. Instead of trying to eliminate their anxiety, teach them they can handle it.

Use “even if” statements (this comes from cognitive behavioral therapy): “Even if I miss Mom tonight, I can draw her a picture and call her once before bed.” “Even if Dad’s house feels different, I know I’m safe there too.”

The name-it-to-tame-it approach: “You’re feeling worried about sleeping at Dad’s apartment tonight. That’s a completely normal feeling.” Then follow with confidence: “And I’ve seen you do hard things before. I believe you can get through this.”

Focus on their strengths: “I noticed how well you packed your overnight bag. That shows me you’re getting ready to be brave.” “You gave Dad a hug goodbye even though you felt nervous. That took real courage.”

For older kids, simple problem-solving questions work well: “What’s one thing that would help you feel more comfortable at Mom’s house?”

Comfort items are your friend: A special photo, a familiar blanket, or even a recording of you reading their favorite story can provide security during tough moments.

When to Worry and When to Get Help

Most transition anxiety improves with time and consistency. But we recommend reaching out for professional support if you notice:

• Persistent sadness or withdrawal lasting weeks
• School avoidance or major changes in academic performance
• Physical symptoms like frequent stomachaches with no medical cause
• Sleep problems or nightmares that don’t improve
• Aggressive behavior or major personality changes

A family therapist who specializes in divorce and co-parenting can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation. Sometimes just a few sessions can make a world of difference.

Our Quick Do’s and Don’ts Guide

When you’re helping your child transition between homes, here’s exactly what we suggest based on what really works for families like yours:

DO:

• Validate first. If your child says they’re worried, you can respond with something like, “I hear you. Going to Mom’s tonight feels a little tough, and that’s okay. Change can feel hard.” This helps them feel seen.
• Show confidence in them. We’ve seen how much it matters when a parent says, “I know this is difficult, but I also know you’re brave enough to handle it.” It gives your child strength.
• Keep goodbyes short and sweet. A quick hug, a smile, and a positive send-off work much better than dragging it out.
• Model calm behavior. Your child is watching how you handle stress. If you stay calm, you’re teaching them they can stay calm too.

DON’T:

• Don’t let your child skip visits out of anxiety. We know it’s tempting, but avoiding visits only makes the fear bigger in the long run.
• Don’t make big decisions during emotional moments. Wait until things cool down before making any changes—it prevents unnecessary tension.
• Don’t let your body language send the wrong message. Even a sigh or a worried look can tell your child something’s wrong when it isn’t.
• Don’t plant seeds of worry. Instead of asking, “Are you scared to go?” try asking, “What’s one thing you’re excited about for tonight?”

The Secret Formula That Actually Works

Here’s something we share with every family: Support = Acceptance + Confidence.

Every interaction with your anxious child should include both: 

Acceptance: “You’re really scared about sleeping at the new apartment. That feeling makes complete sense.” 

Confidence: “And I’ve watched you do scary things before. I’m 100% sure you can get through tonight. You are so much braver than you know.”

This validates their experience without letting the anxiety make their decisions. It builds what we call self-efficacy – the belief that they can handle life’s challenges.