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Co-parenting Arrangement Without Going Through the Courts?

Co-parenting arrangement

It’s not always easy figuring out how a co-parenting arrangement might work. The good news is that establishing a co-parenting arrangement doesn’t always require going through the courts. An amicable, voluntary agreement can help save time and money for parents who want joint custody of their children.

Here, we’ll discuss various ways to make co-parenting agreements without going through the courts. We’ll also answer some common questions about co-parenting.

To learn more about co-parenting arrangements without going through the courts, keep reading.

Getting Started With Negotiating

You may want a better way to reach a custody agreement. It might surprise you to learn that the best custody agreements have been drafted outside of a courtroom.

These kinds of arrangements involve mutual agreements between two parties. Sometimes, a neutral third-party may help.

In this way, former couples can create a reasonable custody agreement in an open and mature manner. These kinds of agreements are usually acceptable to the courts.

Making a Co-Parenting Arrangement

You may have an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse or partner. If so, you might find that it’s possible to create a written agreement regarding the care of your child. For instance, one parent may have partial custody, and the other would have visitation rights.

Still, the two of you will need to make decisions. For instance, you’ll need to figure out where your child will spend their birthday. You’ll also need to figure out where your child will spend special holidays and other important family events.

There are three ways that you might go about this task. These methods include.

• Alternative dispute resolution
• Mediation
• Collaborative law

Let’s have a closer look at these practices.

Getting Help With Negotiations

Even though the two of you are agreeing to agree, you may still need to conduct an informal negotiation. Negotiation would involve you, your former spouse, and possibly another party.

This kind of negotiation is called alternative dispute resolution (ARD). It’s a relatively new concept.

ARD is used for a variety of processes. It enables parties to settle disputes out of court and bypass lengthy trials.

A Better Way to Resolve Conflicts

The ADR process is less adversarial. It also takes place in a setting that’s more casual than a court. Still, there are other benefits to alternative dispute resolution.

For example, there’s a lesser degree of conflict between parties during ADR. Also, couples that participate in ADR seem more willing to work together to resolve issues. Furthermore, ADR proceedings don’t become a part of the public record.

Navigating Custody

Some separating couples also resolve conflicts using an informal settlement negotiation process. This process is called mediation.

Again, the emphasis here is on non-adversarial conflict resolution. In this process, a mediator will meet with you and your former spouse. The mediator will help you to settle any disputes.

The mediation process can help you and your former spouse to avoid hostile, stress-filled litigation. It will also spare you and your child from the trauma of a custody dispute.

What to Expect

A mediator will not impose a solution for a dispute. Instead, they will aid you as parents. The mediator will help the two of you come to an agreement.

Some states do ask mediators to make recommendations. However, they only usually do so when the parties involved in mediation cannot reach an agreement.

Also, some states encourage mediation over child custody litigation. In these states, legislators view mediation as a better method for establishing child custody and visitation compared to litigation.

The Benefits of Mediation

Mediation offers several benefits. Firstly, it doesn’t require the expense of hiring a lawyer. There’s also no need for the courts to call expert witnesses during mediation.

Couples usually resolve mediation matters after five to ten hours of negotiation. These negotiations may take place over a period of one to two weeks.

Mediation, rather than litigation, enhances communication between parents. In other words, it’s more likely that divorced parents who’ve taken part in mediation will continue to cooperate. This outcome is very beneficial for raising emotionally healthy children.

The Mediation Process

There are several steps involved in the mediation process. First, you’ll need to meet with the mediator for the first time.

During the initial meeting, the mediator will identify and categorize any issues. After identifying any issues, the mediator can help you and your ex-partner discuss solutions.

During the discussion, your mediator will encourage both of you to maintain a give and take attitude. Once you’ve come to an agreement, the mediator will help to prepare your custody agreement.

The amount of time that it takes you to complete mediation will vary depending on a few things. For instance, mediation will take longer or shorter depending on the number of custody issues that arise.

The length of the mediation will also vary based on the complexity of your issues. Finally, your commitment to a successful agreement will also affect how long the full mediation process takes.

A New Kind of Family Law

Another kind of negotiation falls under a relatively new and emerging legal process. The process is called collaborative law. In many cases, parents find that collaborative law is very useful.

Collaborative law practices help to reduce legal costs. They also help to reduce animosity between involved parties.

These kinds of benefits are important when trying to achieve a child custody agreement. During a collaborative law process, the primary focus is an absolute commitment to coming to an agreement.

Understanding Collaborative Family Law

During a collaborative law process, two lawyers negotiate in a room alongside the parents. The lawyers work together to help guide parents in the same direction. The goal here is to resolve any issues and disputes.

Collaborative law is different from alternative dispute resolution and mediation. With this process, there’s no neutral third-party involved in the process.

Accordingly, you may have decisions to make as the collaborative law process moves forward. For instance, you may choose to hire a lawyer or an expert to help with accounting issues. You might also need to hire other professionals to help with asset valuation or any other important issues that may arise.

Settling on an Agreement

If you’re entertaining entering a parenting agreement, you’re most likely separating from a former partner or spouse. If a child is involved in the separation, it’s important that you create a parenting agreement.

Challenging times may have led to the separation. Nevertheless, you must focus on putting the needs of your child first.

In other words, you’ll need to do everything that you can to come to a mutual agreement about custody and visitation issues. Coming to an agreement is a much better alternative compared to leaving it to a judge to decide what’s best for your family.

Why Make a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan is a written agreement. It will help set a precedent for a successful post-separation relationship.

The making of your parenting plan is an opportunity for you and your ex-partner to talk about important issues. It will help the two of you examine things that may come up during your child’s lifetime.

For example, a parenting agreement might include the terms of the parenting schedule. It might also highlight each parent’s shared expenses and responsibilities for raising the child.

Finding a Parenting Plan that Works

There’s no pre-made parenting plan that will work for every family. What works for one family may not work for another.

Some parents will prefer a split custody parenting plan. This kind of plan provides for frequent and continuous contact with each parent about 50% of the time.

Other parents may prefer a plan where one parent has limited contact. For example, a separating couple may prefer an arrangement where one parent has the child every other weekend plus a midweek.

Alternatively, the parenting plan could make provisions for an occasional overnight visit. These kinds of points are something that only you and your former partner can decide.

Managing Parenting Plan Changes

A question often comes up after parents create a parenting plan. The parents have done the challenging work of working together to create a parenting agreement.

However, eventually, they realize that things could change over time. Now, they’re left wondering what they’ll do when the terms of the current parenting agreement are no longer ideal.

It’s possible to make changes to a parenting agreement. After finalizing a parenting agreement, most couples don’t want to revisit the experience of returning to court, and this is understandable.

However, there’s something that you need to understand in this regard. It’s possible that a dispute could arise in the future.

If this happens, the courts will decide based on the last legal parenting agreement, no matter how long the two of you have used a verbally agreed-on plan.

Parenting Plan Points to Consider

As you develop your parenting plan, you and your ex will need to consider a few important things. Of course, you’ll need to consider your custody agreement. Here, you’ll need to come up with a plan that works for both you and your child.

Separating parents make many different kinds of custody arrangements. For example, separated parents could continue to live near each other. In this case, a shared parenting schedule with equal time with their child may work well.

What’s important here is to come up with a plan where everyone agrees. Your custody plan must be palatable for everyone involved.

With this in mind, you’ll also want to get input from your child. If they’re of a suitable age, their feelings about the situation should weigh in your decision.

Choosing Living Arrangements

Often, children prefer a flexible living arrangement. In other words, they want the ability to transition between households as desired. When parents separate, kids often want to go from household to household on their schedule, not that of their parents.

Here, it’s important to remember that kids want to know their parents care about them. They also want to know that both parents will continue to be a part of their everyday life. It’s vital to provide this benefit for your children with few interruptions and stresses.

Visitation

In some instances, you may find that you’re geographically separated after a divorce or separation. In that case, you may need to choose a primary residence for your child during the week and school year. They’ll then usually visit with the other parent on weekends, holidays, and summer.

In this scenario, your parenting plan should include where and when you’ll exchange your child. It should also include how the two of you will make decisions about where your child will stay during an emergency.

Your parenting plan might also address the visitation percentage of the non-custodial parent. For instance, couples usually agree that the non-custodial parent will have about 20% of the total parenting time.

Education

You’ll also need to come to an agreement about your child’s education. It can prove very disruptive for a child to change schools mid-year. With this in mind, you’ll want to achieve continuity and stability for your child.

For example, you might agree not to change school arrangements until the end of the school year. You’ll also need to work out how you’ll both contribute to school expenses.

Again, this kind of problem might arise for parents who live in geographically separate areas. You may find that your child wants to change the living arrangement and move with the other parent.

In that case, they’ll also need to attend a new school. You’ll need to consider this as you draft your parenting arrangement.

Also, don’t overlook the time your child needs to study and do their homework. In addition, both parents should be prepared to help with assignments when needed.

Finalizing a Parenting Plan

The courts must approve your final parenting plan. Until the courts approve the plan, it has no legal standing.

This part of the process begins with a judge reviewing your parenting plan. The primary concern of the judge is that your plan meets the best interests of your child.

In this regard, the Family Court must accept your parenting plan. If they do, the parenting plan becomes a court order. In other words, you must legally abide by all terms of the parenting plan.

A Tool That Makes Co-parenting Easier

Hopefully, our brief overview has helped you see the benefits of a co-parenting arrangement. Coming to an agreement is just the first step in successfully raising a child after separation.

You’ll also need to keep track of many things as you raise your child. 2Houses can help.

2Houses can help you with co-parent scheduling, communication, financial tracking, and more. Give our 14-day free trial a try to learn how.

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DIY Divorce: 8 Things to Include in Your Parenting Plan

Your Parenting Plan

The average cost of a divorce in the United States is $12,900, but if you and the other parent are in agreement on your divorce terms, you may not need to do everything with lawyers. DIY divorces are becoming more and more popular and for good reason. However, if you have children, it’s important to make sure that your parenting plan is thorough and includes everything required in your state. Keep reading to learn more about DIY divorce and how to make sure your parenting plan is done correctly.

What Is a DIY Divorce?

A DIY divorce is when you and the other parent agree on the terms of your separation and then complete and file the paperwork yourselves. Usually, there are no lawyers involved, and there are many sites available that walk you through the process of finding the right forms for your state and filing with your local family court. These types of divorces are often filed as dissolutions.

DIY divorces can be extremely beneficial in that they’re much cheaper, usually only costing a few hundred dollars including the filing fee, and don’t require multiple visits to the family courts for hearings. However, they only work when both parties are in agreement over the terms, and even then, it’s important to be careful if there are children involved. The courts often have very specific requirements about what a parenting plan can or cannot cover, and you’ll have to conform to those requirements or the judge could dismiss your case and refuse to move forward until different paperwork has been filed.

8 Things to Put in Your Parenting Plan

As you’re drawing up your parenting plan, you want to be as specific and thorough as possible for what your unique family situation needs while also meeting the court’s requirements. Here are eight things to make sure your parenting plan covers.

1. Custody and Visitation

How custody and visitation time will be split is something that is required by every state for a parenting plan. When you’re deciding custody, keep in mind that you will need to lay out the specifications for legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody centers around who gets to make decisions. This can be sole legal custody, which means if the two parties can’t decide on a matter, the parent who has sole legal custody gets the final say. If you have joint legal custody, it means that you both have to agree or the matter has to go before a judge to be decided.

Physical custody refers to actual time spent with the children. In most cases, the courts now prefer joint physical custody arrangements. This can be done in many ways, from a true 50/50 split to 70/30, 80/20 or anything in between. You’ll want to make sure you outline the physical custody decisions and what you plan to use as a visitation schedule, even if you don’t think you will need it. This ensures both parents have something legal to fall back on if they disagree later on.

2. Shared Expenses

In most states, child support is completely unrelated to the divorce or custody arrangements and is decided by the formula the state uses. This means you likely won’t need to have anything about child support in your paperwork unless you specifically want to deviate from the state standards. What you do want to make sure you include is how other expenses will be paid.

Think broadly and consider that your children will get older and expenses will change. For example, you may need to work out who pays what percentage of preschool now, but you’ll also need to think about extracurricular fees for sports when they get older, orthodontia and college tuition. There are also shared medical expenses.

It’s a good idea to make a list of all the possible expenses and categories for now and in the future, and then go through each one with the other parent and decide who is paying what and what percentages if you are going to split some expenses. It’s also a good idea to specifically write in how one parent will reimburse the other. For example, will they provide a check or will they do a mobile payment through an app like 2houses.

3. Holiday and Special Days Schedule

While the physical custody agreement will lay out how the standard visitation schedule will work, you’ll still need to consider other situations, such as holidays and days of special meaning like birthdays. The default schedule for holidays through the courts usually has the parents alternating holidays, but if you know another arrangement will work better for you, it’s a good idea to include it.

Summer vacations and school breaks are also important to consider. Keep in mind that what you put into the parenting plan is really only a fall back if you aren’t able to work things out with the other parent. If your situation is amicable, you can still make adjustments and agreements on the fly together.

4. Future Partners

While you may not be considering dating or remarriage right now in the midst of divorce, it’s likely that this will become an issue for one or both parties at some point. Some parents put provisions into the parenting plan for when a parent can introduce a significant other to the kids or that the kids won’t call a step-parent “Mom” or “Dad.”

5. Right of First Refusal

Right of first refusal is something that many parents wish they would have added into their parenting plan but is also something that’s usually forgotten. Right of first refusal means that if one parent can’t care for the children during their parenting time, such as because of a work conflict, the other parent gets the first right to that time. This is designed to ensure the children spend as much time as possible with the parents instead of babysitters and other caregivers.

Keep in mind, however, that you can’t use the right of first refusal to keep the children from spending reasonable time with extended family. If the other parent is home and able to care for the children and is just sending them to spend an afternoon at grandma’s, this wouldn’t count as a right of first refusal situation.

6. No Negative Comments

Most states’ standard parenting plans have a paragraph in them that states that neither party will talk badly about the other parent or make negative comments in front of the children. It also sometimes extends to not allowing other people, such as relatives, make negative comments about a parent in front of the child. It may seem unnecessary, and it is hard to enforce in the courts, but it’s a good thing to also put in your DIY divorce paperwork because it serves as black and white reminder that you’re supposed to be supporting a positive coparenting atmosphere.

7. Coparenting Communication

On the subject of coparenting, talking about how you plan on communicating with each other and putting that in writing for clarity in the parenting plan is suggested. Even if you have a great relationship with the other parent and are able to casually call and text for plans and updates, it may still be advantageous to spell out that you’re going to use a coparenting app for official communication. 2houses lets you keep message records and lets you know when the other parent has seen your message. It also has lots of other great features aimed at making coparenting easier, such as expense tracking and a shared calendar. 

8. Making Changes

No matter how thorough you are in creating your initial parenting plan, it’s almost guaranteed that something will come up eventually that you haven’t anticipated. For this reason, you may want to add a clause in the parenting plan about how you’ll deal with changes, whether that’s a jointly agreed amendment or going to mediation.

If you’re not sure about a certain aspect of your parenting plan or divorce documents or negotiations turn sour, you may end up needing to consult with a family law attorney to find out your next steps.

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COVID-19 Decisions: Which Parent Gets to Make Them

Covid-19 Coparenting Decisions

The COVID-19 pandemic struck the world in early 2020, and it caused a change of life for many. Between lockdowns, mask mandates, online schooling and supply chain issues, it’s been difficult to navigate this new normal. It’s also brought about strong feelings on both sides, and this can cause coparenting challenges if you and the other parent aren’t on the same page.

It can be confusing in a coparenting situation to know who gets to make the final decisions on which issues if both parents don’t agree, but understanding the processes the family courts have for this is important. Below, we take a look at some of the common coparenting decisions that have come up with COVID-19 and discuss who gets to make these decisions and what you can do if you want to change that.

Possible Coparenting Decisions Surrounding COVID-19

The guidelines around COVID-19 continue to change, and it can be difficult to keep up with what the latest recommendations are. However, there are two main areas that COVID-19 has affected when it comes to coparenting and your children: education and medical decisions. Here are a few of the common decisions parents are facing right now.

Where Your Child Will Go to School

When COVID-19 caused many schools to go virtual in 2020, it created a unique challenge for parents. They were suddenly faced with trying to make sure their children were learning and staying up with schoolwork while also navigating their own jobs and the general changes to the world. Some parents found that they really enjoyed the time they had with their children or were surprised at how much time children were just staring at a screen and not really learning in virtual school. Even as schools went back to in-person school, mask mandates, vaccine recommendations and COVID-19 guidelines also had some parents wondering if it was the best choice for their family.

But what happens if you think your children should go to in-person school but the other parent is very against it and wants to do online school or homeschool? This isn’t something that really lends itself to compromise, and it can be something that both parents feel equally strongly about.

Whether Your Child Will Get the Vaccine

As of October 2021, the COVID-19 vaccine was available for those aged 13 and up, but trials were in process for vaccines for younger children. Whether your child gets a vaccine is a medical decision, and it can be very difficult to navigate if you and the other parent aren’t on the same page. It can also create issues if one parent is vaccinating their family and the other parent isn’t. What happens to the joint children as they go between houses? This issue can have far-reaching consequences into visitation schedules and can cause a great deal of conflict between the coparents.

Whether Your Child Should Wear a Mask

Masking is a major debate in some countries, including the United States where it has become a political issue with extreme and vocal opinions on either side. Usually, the children actually have far less strong of an opinion on this subject than the parents do, but if the parents do disagree on this matter, it can put the child in the middle and create conflict. While some parents may take a stand of letting each parent choose whether or not to have the child wear a mask during their parenting time, this issue can also affect where the child goes to school and what extracurricular activities they can participate in.

What Happens If Your Child Gets Sick

The original COVID-19 strain didn’t seem to affect children in the same way it did adults, but variants such as Delta have started to change that. More children are getting sick with the virus, and even if they don’t get severely ill, it can cause some problems. For example, will the child continue to follow the normal visitation schedule when they’re sick? This is common, but what happens if the other parent doesn’t want to risk bringing COVID-19 into their household.

If your child is one of the few who gets severely ill, you may also be facing significant challenges in who gets to visit the child at the hospital and who will get to make the decisions regarding the child’s method of care.

Who Gets to Make the Decisions?

Who gets to make medical and educational decisions is determined by what kind of custody you have and if there are any specifics in your custody order or parenting plan. You’ll want to look at what your papers say about legal custody. It’s common to get confused between legal and physical custody. Physical custody is time sharing and visitation schedules; legal custody is the basis for decision-making.

If one parent has sole legal custody, then that’s the parent who has the right to make education and medical decisions for the children. If the other parent disagrees strongly enough, they can bring it to the courts, but there is a large burden on them to prove that there is some reason that the custodial parent is acting outside of the child’s interests.

If you have joint legal custody with the other parent and there are no specific provisions in your parenting plan about who gets to make these decisions, the bottom line is that the court expects you to come to an agreement on your own. If you can’t, your option is to go to court. While the judge may order you into mediation, these situations usually end in a lengthy trial where both parents present their cases and then the judge makes the final call on what will happen.

As you navigate these new challenges that are coming up with COVID-19, you may realize that there are some specific points in your parenting plan or custody agreement that need to be amended or that there are new things you want to include. In this case, you’ll need to file a motion to go before a judge and have the agreement officially changed. If you and the other parent agree to the changes, it can be as simple as filing a joint motion. The courts generally are willing to adopt changes that both parents agree on. However, if you want something changed and the other parent doesn’t, it can mean having to go all the way through the family court system.

Keep in mind that any time you go through the family court system, it can be extremely stressful for both the parents and the children. It’s almost always best to try to come to an agreement with the other parent or try lower-conflict options, such as mediation. It’s also important to remember that both you and the other parent only have the children’s best interests at heart, and while you may have different opinions on what supports that, it can help to keep that in the back of your mind as you navigate these discussions.

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5 Tips for Handling High-Conflict Coparenting

High conflict coparenting

Relationships usually don’t end peacefully, and it’s normal for couples with children to have tried everything they could to stay together. This means that by the time you get through a breakup or divorce with your children’s other parent, it can be difficult to transition into peaceful coparenting. In many cases, tensions ease over time and as everyone adjusts to the new normal, but sometimes, it can be very difficult to move forward and the parties get stuck in an ongoing cycle of conflict. The latter situations are often referred to as high-conflict cases.

Before we jump into our tips for handling high-conflict coparenting, it’s a good idea to first define what we’re talking about. Every person who is trying to coparent is bound to have communication challenges or find that what they want doesn’t line up with what the other parent thinks is best. That’s just normal coparenting. It takes compromise and lots of communication as well as both parents being focused on the needs and well-being of the children.

 In high-conflict coparenting, however, the majority of the interactions between the parents are contentious and there is little to no compromise on at least one person’s part. These aren’t just simple disagreements that crop up from time to time. It’s an ongoing pattern of conflict, with at least one party refusing to cooperate and actually coparent together. So, what do you do in those situations? Check out our tips below.

1. Take Care of Yourself

This might seem obvious, but in the midst of all the chaos and juggling that comes with being a single parent, many parents forget that they still need to focus on their own health. The better your own mental, emotional and physical health is, the more prepared you will be to handle high-conflict situations calmly and with a good perspective.

It’s important to eat nutritious food that you enjoy, get enough sleep so that you wake up feeling well rested and to remember to carve out time for your own interests and hobbies. A solid social support system is also critical. You need people to talk to about your situation and who can both listen when you need to rant and get out some frustrations and who can provide some outside perspective.

Lowering your stress levels is one of the best things you can do for yourself, your children and your entire household. While this may seem laughable if you’re trying to navigate a high-conflict coparenting situation, it’s crucial to focus on what you can control. Don’t overschedule yourself and make time for something that calms and grounds you every day.

2. Get It in Writing

You may have heard the saying in business that if it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen, and this is also true for coparenting. It’s important to get any schedules, agreements or plans in writing so that there is an objective record of who was supposed to do what. If it is at all possible, it’s best for this to be an actual court order.

If you’re still working on finalizing your parenting plan, try to include everything you can think of that might possibly have to be a discussion later on. This could include who pays for private school tuition, who does the transportation to and from extracurricular activities and whether you split costs like school supplies and fees. If you already have a parenting agreement in place, it may be worth it to go back to court to try to get it amended to include the particulars for any recurring issues.

If it’s something small that wouldn’t be covered in the actual court documents, make sure to get a record of the other parent’s response and communication. Text is okay, but if you have to go to court later, texts aren’t always considered admissible. Email correspondence or communication through a coparenting app like 2houses is best. You can also do this yourself by sending the other parent an email such as, “Per our phone call today at 2 p.m., you will be taking Chris to soccer on your weekend.”

3. Use a Coparenting App

A coparenting app makes it easier to keep records for court, ensure you have agreements in writing and have everything you need all in one place. 2houses, for example, has a messaging feature that keeps track of when each parent opens and responds to the message, and it makes it so no one can delete a message and pretend like they never got it.

The other major advantage of a coparenting app is that it significantly decreases the amount of direct communication you need to have with the other parent — and, therefore, decreases the number of chances for a conflict. With 2houses, you can put the children’s schedule of appointments and extracurriculars on the calendar so you don’t have to personally notify the other parent. It also gives you a place to upload pictures and document important memories or conversations. You can even use the finance tracker to submit expenses for the other parent to pay directly through the app, lessening the amount of back and forth and automatically providing you documentation if you need to go to court.

You can download messages, expenses and anything else you need in an easy-to-use form that can then be given to your attorney or the courts, if necessary.

4. Pick Your Battles

High-conflict coparenting situations aren’t called that for no reason. It can seem like every single little thing becomes a huge issue. And it probably does — because that’s what high-conflict people do. But just because the other parent wants to make something an issue doesn’t mean you have to agree. Think about what things are actually worth responding to or intervening with, such as safety issues, and try to let the rest go.

Maybe the other parent lets the children watch TV shows or movies you don’t approve of or lets them spend more time playing games on the tablet than you would allow. In the grand scheme of things, these aren’t worth fighting about with someone who isn’t willing to actually listen to your reasoning and try to find a compromise.

5. Focus on De-escalation

Disagreements are inevitable, and when they involve your children, it’s normal for there to be heightened emotions and easily triggered tempers. High-conflict people play off of this and often purposefully try to get the other parent to react to something. They feed off of the drama and chaos.

So, what can you do? Focus on de-escalation tactics. This can involve noticing that you’re getting angry or starting to raise your voice and taking a few deep breaths to remind yourself that you don’t want to engage. It can also mean using specific strategies when talking with the other parent, such as saying, “You might be right” or “I hadn’t considered that angle” when they’re trying to argue. This doesn’t mean they are right or that their angle is a good one, but this is a strategy that can cause the other person to pause and get out of fight mode so you can then exit the conversation.

The bottom line is that you can’t control the other parent — or any other people involved — and you can only control your own actions. Stick to the court order, getting modifications as necessary, keep thorough records with a solid paper trail, and remind yourself that while you will likely never be able to be completely rid of the other parent, there will come a time when the children have grown up that you won’t have to actively coordinate with the other parent on this level.

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Holiday Split Custody Arrangements: How to Celebrate Special Occasions

Holiday Split Custody Arrangements

Divorces usually end with a split. Close to 750,000 divorces occurred in the United States in 2019. Most divorces that involve children end with a split custody agreement. 

Yet split custody agreements can get a little complicated. The holidays are supposed to be times where family members get together. How to celebrate holidays after a divorce is not clear. 

How can you talk about holiday custody arrangements with your co-parent? How should you delegate custody during important holidays? What should you do about school vacations and less important occasions like Halloween? 

Answer these questions and you can help your child have fun throughout the year. Here is your comprehensive guide. 

Discussing Holiday Custody

Holiday custody agreements should accompany any custody agreement between co-parents. Once two co-parents pick a joint custody schedule, the two should work together to discuss how they will arrange the holidays. 

You do not have to craft a comprehensive plan. But you should discuss major holidays like Christmas and decide on split custody solutions. 

If you have multiple children, your solution should not split them up. They should remain together to celebrate all occasions. 

The solution should respect your and your co-parent’s living situations. You should not have to spend a large amount of money or time in order to celebrate holidays.

You should also not inconvenience your child. If one co-parent lives in another state, they can meet the custody agreement through teleconferencing. 

You may loop other members of your family into your conversations. Your child will want to spend time with their grandparents and cousins on Thanksgiving and other days. Make sure you reach an agreement with your ex so they can do so. 

Be willing to adjust your plan as time goes on. Your child’s desire to celebrate certain holidays may diminish over time. They may change their cultural values and decide to celebrate occasions like Easter. 

Birthdays

Nearly all children want both of their parents to celebrate their birthdays with them. You and your co-parent should have your child celebrate theirs. 

The easiest way to do this is to share the day in some capacity. If you and your co-parent are on fine terms, both of you can throw a party for your child. If you want some privacy, you can go out to dinner with your child. 

If you and your co-parent don’t want to see each other, each of you should do something for your child. They can spend the morning at your house before going to your co-parent’s house in the afternoon. 

You may buy your child presents for their birthday. But don’t compete with your co-parent on your presents.

You can alternate birthdays if you live far from your ex. Your child will celebrate one year with you, then they will celebrate the next year with your ex.

You should arrange transportation for your child well in advance. Whoever the child is going to should pay the expenses of transportation. 

Try to coordinate with them and share the expenses on one big gift for your child. Give something to your child that they can make use out of. A book is more useful than a toy or a video game. 

You can spend time with your child on your birthday. But you must allow your co-parent to spend time with them on their birthday. You can make a stipulation for this in your child custody arrangement. 

Parents’ Days

You can treat Mother’s Day and Father’s Day like any other holiday. Your child can spend time with their mother on Mother’s Day and with their father on Father’s Day. Many elementary schools have children make presents for their parents for these occasions. 

You can also treat the two days as “Parents’ Day.” This is a good solution for same-sex parents or parents who identify as genderqueer or gender non-conforming. You can divide the two days between yourselves and have your child spend one with each of you.  

There is an official Parents’ Day on the fourth Sunday of July. Your child is probably not aware of this occasion. If they are, you can split the day between the two co-parents so both of you get parenting time in. 

Three-Day Weekends

Three-day weekends include Memorial Day weekend and Labor Day weekend. These are great occasions for short vacations like camping trips. Yet they may affect weekly custody routines, as one parent may take over on Friday or Monday. 

An easy solution is to give your child an extra day with their co-parent. The other co-parent can have the day off, or they can take over on a day they would not be in charge of. 

You can also divide the three-day weekends between the two of you. One of you can take over on Memorial Day while the other takes charge of Labor Day. 

Some three-day weekends may come suddenly. School on Friday or Monday may get canceled due to inclement weather. 

Whoever has custody of your child should maintain their custody. It is too dangerous to transport your child from one house to another during a snowstorm or power outage.

The Holiday Season 

The holiday season can be a very difficult time to navigate. Sit down with your co-parent in advance and work through what you both need to do. Determine what your arrangements will be for the season and how you will cover expenses.

Most children want to see both of their parents for Thanksgiving. It can be tricky for each parent to do their own Thanksgiving dinner. 

What you can do is send your child to their grandparents or cousins. Both of you can then share expenses for one meal and join with them. 

You can do something similar for Christmas. You can send your child to a third party and have both of you visit with them there. 

If you and your co-parent celebrate different December holidays, you can split them. Your child can go to one parent for Christmas and another for Hanukkah or the winter solstice. You can have them go to you for New Year’s Eve and the other co-parent for New Year’s Day. 

Follow good tips on co-parenting during the holidays. Your child may feel lonely or confused during the holiday season. They may ask questions about why they cannot see both of their parents at once. 

Answer your child’s questions without providing too much detail. Affirm your child and tell them that both of you love them. Feel free to coordinate on presents and other special gifts. 

School Vacations 

Each school district is different. Look at the school district schedule before you make any determinations for splitting custody. 

Nearly all districts make a four-day weekend out of Thanksgiving. You can maintain your custody schedule on that weekend. 

Most districts have a winter vacation in December. School usually adjourns on December 23 and reopens on January 2.

You can also maintain your usual custody schedule, though you should minimize disruptions on the holidays. Your child may transition between the two of you on Fridays, yet Christmas Eve is on a Friday.

You can delay until Sunday so the child can celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in the same house. Follow good tips on how to handle custody exchange day smoothly. These tips are especially important for holiday weekends.  

Most districts have a spring vacation. This is one week off from school that occurs in March or April. 

This is a time when many parents want to take their children on vacation. A co-parent can do so. But they should talk with their other co-parent and make arrangements so the child can go on vacations with both. 

Some districts have a February vacation with one week off. This gives co-parents an opportunity to split vacations. One parent maintains custody in February while the other maintains it in April. 

Family Events

Family events include weddings, funerals, and baby showers. For the most part, you can split these events based on your relationship with them. 

If a wedding is occurring on your side of the family, you can take your child to it without your co-parent. If they want to go, they can while you maintain the custody of your child.  

This must be transactional. When an occasion happens on your co-parent’s side of the family, you must let them take your child to it. It is important that your child maintain connections with all of their family members. 

Attending the same events as your ex may be awkward. You do not have to talk to them if you do not want to. 

But both of you should attend important events, especially weddings and funerals. You do not want to form a rift between yourself and the hosts. You can talk to them about your ex and ask for seating arrangements so you don’t contact them. 

Do not use family events to introduce your partner. Try to make introductions on smaller occasions and talk to your ex about bringing your partner to an event.  

Other Holidays

Independence Day occurs every July 4th. This means that the holiday may fall in the middle of the week or create a three-day weekend.

Though it is not as important as the winter holidays, your child may want to see both parents on that day. Try to arrange things so both of you can spend time with your child. One of you can host a barbeque at lunch while the other takes your child for fireworks. 

If one co-parent has a military background, they can take custody of your child on Veterans Day. It can fall on a Monday or Friday, so you can turn it into a three-day weekend. They can do the same for military holidays like Flag Day. 

Your arrangements for Halloween should be particular to your child. If your child does not care about Halloween, you do not have to make a holiday out of it. 

But if your child does care, you should both be involved. If possible, both of you can go with your child for trick-or-treating. You can go together, or you can split the occasion. 

More and more people are celebrating Halloween through October. This gives you a way to split the holiday. One of you can celebrate with your child on October 31st while another celebrates on a different day. 

New Traditions

Every co-parent should learn how to create new family traditions after a separation. This may involve creating new holidays. In general, the parent who comes with the new holiday should celebrate it with their child.

But the other parent should have equal time. They can come up with a new holiday to celebrate with the child. If they don’t have their own holiday, they should get an extra day to spend with their child. 

You or your co-parent may find a partner from a different culture. They may have occasions that they would like to celebrate. 

It may be appropriate to allow your child to commemorate these holidays. But both co-parents need to be okay with the new traditions. A child should not be made to participate in holidays they don’t want to celebrate. 

New religious traditions may be difficult to navigate. Some religions do not accommodate divorced parents.

You and your co-parent should have a conversation about your child’s participation in religious ceremonies. If one of you is not comfortable with it, your child should not participate unless they really want to. 

How to Split Custody for the Holidays

You and your co-parent can work out a holiday split custody arrangement. Talk about the holidays as you draft a custody schedule. 

Both of you should celebrate your child’s birthday. Each of you can spend time with them on their birthday, or each of you can host a party. You can also send them to a relative’s house and pay them a visit. 

You should do something similar for major holidays like Thanksgiving. You can handle weeklong vacations and less important holidays individually. 

Get tools to help you with co-parenting. 2houses provides co-parenting apps. Sign up today. 

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What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist: Your Comprehensive Guide

What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist

Narcissism is a major problem. 1% to 15% of the population suffers from narcissism. Some people have narcissistic personality disorder, while others struggle with some narcissistic symptoms. 

Narcissism becomes an even worse problem when it comes to split custody. A narcissistic co-parent can make the separation and parenting processes far harder than they need to be. Yet you can get help. 

What exactly is narcissism? How can narcissism impact a person’s parenting, and how can you help your child? What should you do to keep a narcissistic co-parent from affecting your life? 

Answer these questions and you can be an effective co-parent in spite of your ex. Here is your comprehensive guide. 

The Basics of Narcissism 

A personality disorder is a mental disorder. A person with one has patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy or destructive. They may be aware of the consequences of their actions, yet they cannot change them. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) impacts a person’s ego. They have a larger-than-normal sense of self-importance and skills. 

A person may exaggerate their achievements, including lying about successes in their life. They may be preoccupied with their fantasies of success and power. They may believe they are special and refuse to associate with any “normal” people. 

At the same time, they may come across as insecure. They may perform stunts so people will give them attention. They may fish for compliments or ask for approval repeatedly. 

Signs of Narcissism 

A person can come across as narcissistic in many different ways. They may come across as intelligent and capable during initial conversations. During first dates, they may shower their partner with signs of love and affection. 

Yet as time goes on, they may express an idealized view of their partner. This may come across as flattering, but it can also be arrogant. The person with NPD may say that the two of them are more special than everyone else. 

The person with NPD may prioritize their needs over the needs of their partner. They may stay for longer hours at work, or they may ask their partner for special favors. 

If the two go through a divorce, the person with NPD may insist on longer hours for child custody. They may also insist on having a greater share of the marital property. 

They may attack their ex in court, insisting that they are not fit to be a parent. They may initiate confrontations and enjoy how they make their ex and child upset. 

Keep in mind that the signs of NPD overlap with those of other mental health conditions. Bipolar disorder can lead to someone feeling egocentric or pulling stunts for attention. 

A person can have NPD and another mental health condition. They can also develop a substance abuse disorder. They may abuse a substance to cope with their lack of attention or to soothe their insecurities. 

How Narcissism Can Affect Parenting 

NPD can affect a person’s style of parenting in a few different ways. If you have a narcissistic ex-husband or a narcissistic ex-wife, you need to understand how they function as a parent. Monitor them closely and adjust your parenting style so you can support your child. 

The Achievement-Obsessed Co-parent

A narcissistic co-parent may be obsessed with their child’s achievements. They may insist that their child be the best, including through their physical appearance.

They may praise their child, but only when they accomplish something. When the child does something wrong, they may criticize them harshly. They may neglect their child when they need help because they don’t want to see their child as weak. 

The Self-Obsessed Parent 

The parent may demand admiration from their child. They cannot tolerate any disagreement or criticism. They praise their child when they follow their orders, but they scorn them when they disagree. 

Children with self-obsessed parents have low self-esteem. They may denigrate themselves and refuse to take leadership positions at school. 

The Prioritizing Parent 

Someone with NPD who has multiple children may prioritize one child over the rest. This child may have skills that their siblings do not have. They shower this child with praise while neglecting everyone else. 

The prioritized child may have mixed feelings about this. They may feel guilty that they are receiving more praise than the other children. They may become confused when they don’t receive praise at school or at work. 

Their siblings may lose self-esteem. They may distance themselves from the prioritized child, forming a rift in the family. 

The Abusive Parent 

Not all parents with NPD are necessarily abusive. Yet there are parents whose narcissism leads them to physical and sexual abuse. 

They may regard their children as servants. When they act out of line, they use physical force in order to get their way. They may engage in sexual behaviors with their children due to a lack of empathy. 

Set Your Boundaries 

Once you understand how your narcissistic co-parent is behaving, you can understand how you should behave. Unless your co-parent is abusive to you or your children, you should interact with them. Remaining in communication will make things like dividing school-related expenses easier. 

Yet you do not have to be in constant communication with your ex. Establish times during which you will not talk to them, even if they reach out to them. 

Establish what you will and will not talk about. You can limit your conversation to the welfare of your child or to finances. You can avoid talking about everything else. 

You are not obliged to speak to your co-parent if you both attend an event. Make it clear to them that you will not communicate with them at the venue. If they try to talk to you, say something like, “I don’t want to talk with you right now, but I hope you have a good night.” 

If you do meet with your co-parent, bring someone with you. They can monitor the conversation and end it if it stops being productive. 

If your co-parent has a partner, your boundaries should apply to them. You should not communicate with them unless something requires their attention. You should also avoid talking to your co-parent’s family members, including their parents and siblings.

They may become a stepmom or stepfather to their partner’s child. It is not your place to intervene with that relationship. Focus on your own child. 

Split Custody With a Good Parenting Plan 

All separated parents need to make a parenting plan. This will make co-parenting far easier and create a smoother separation process. 

You can follow most traditional tips for writing a parenting plan. You should have conversations with your ex during which you break down aspects of parenting. You should decide how you will divide parenting time and important responsibilities. 

You can talk to a lawyer. You can also find a mediator or a third party who will help you come to a mutual consensus. If you do not want to talk directly to your ex, you can have your attorney talk on your behalf. 

Keep the priority on your child. Figure out where they are going to live and attend school. Devise ways of covering their expenses, including food and clothing. 

If you do not want your co-parent to have custody, you should stand your ground. Go to court and propose options for a visitation schedule.

You can also divide physical custody while you have full legal custody. You can receive spousal or child support if you need it. 

Consider Parallel Parenting 

Parallel parenting is the best parenting model for divorced parents who don’t want to see each other. It is good for any situation involving a co-parent who has a mental illness. 

Both parents will be involved in raising their children. One parent may have visitation rights only.

Yet the two interact on limited occasions. They may see each other when one parent drops off the child. They may communicate with each other during an emergency. 

But that is the full extent of their interactions. One parent raises the child their way, and the other raises them their way. In effect, each parent serves as a single mom or a single dad. 

Parallel parenting will prevent your narcissistic co-parent from harming you. Yet you should be attentive to your child. If it seems like your co-parent’s parenting style is harming your child, you should intervene. 

Be Calm

Many people with NPD like to feed off other people’s emotions. They may instigate a conflict just to make the other person upset. This is especially the case with people they do not like. 

Do not take the bait that your co-parent is throwing out there. When they make a comment you do not appreciate, take a deep breath and respond without emotion. 

Never make a personal attack on your co-parent. Yelling at them may escalate the situation.  

When you need to let emotions out, you should do so. Once you are done talking with your co-parent, head outside and find some catharsis. 

Dodge Narcissist Triggers

A person with NPD may become triggered. A stunt they made for attention may have gone unnoticed. Someone may have caught them breaking a rule, or they may have suffered a setback in their personal life. 

This can cause their symptoms to become worse. They may fly into a rage, threatening other people and using violence to get their way. This rage can occur with minimal warning. 

Make sure you do not trigger your narcissistic ex. Do not bring up anything personal in your conversations with them, especially about their romantic life.

Whenever you are concerned about the welfare of your child, you should contact someone. You do not have to call the police if you don’t want to. You can ask a friend, relative, or crisis center to check in to make sure everything is okay. 

Affirm Your Child 

Don’t let your co-parent distract you from your child. Spend plenty of time with them. Engage in their hobbies and help them with their schoolwork. 

Praise your child when they do something right. But console them if something goes wrong or if they make a mistake. Work with them on how they can improve their skill so they don’t make the same mistake again. 

If they do something wrong, you can discipline them. But don’t go over the top. You can give them a timeout, but don’t take away food or water from them. 

You can have conversations with your child about their well-being. Yet you should not make it about the co-parent. Ask them to focus on themselves, their feelings, and their health.

Be attentive to the signs of child abuse. Contact someone if you notice several signs in any child, including ones you don’t have custody of. 

Think About Counseling 

Parenting in and of itself is stressful. Delegate plenty of time for self-care. Attend to your hobbies, talk to your friends, and find personal fulfillment in some way. 

You can talk to a mental health counselor if you find you have a lot of stress. Come up with some solutions to handle your personal problems. Devise some tips to cope with your anxiety. 

You may need to take medications. This does not make you weak. Medications can mitigate your symptoms and help you become a better parent. 

Do not recommend that your co-parent get counseling. They may take this as a sign of disrespect. But you can recommend counseling to other family members who may benefit from it. 

Deal With a Narcissistic Co-parent

You can split custody with a narcissistic co-parent. They may come across as arrogant, haughty, and self-centered. This can lead them to neglect or even abuse a child. 

Enforce hard boundaries with your co-parent. Avoid personal or emotional conversations with them. This has the added benefit of avoiding narcissistic triggers. 

Draft a good parenting plan and consider parallel parenting. Affirm your child and make sure they are doing well. Get yourself self-care so you combat your anxiety. 

Find resources that will help you and your children. 2houses provides great guides and online apps. Create an account today. 

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What Happens When an Absent Parent Returns

Absent parent

The ideal coparenting situation is one where both parents are present and enthusiastically involved in their children’s lives, hopefully on as close to a day-to-day level as possible. However, this ideal doesn’t always happen. In many cases, one parent is only involvedsporadically — or not at all — and the other parent is left to shoulder all of the parenting. But what happens when that absent parent comes back? We have some tips for navigating an absent parent’s return below.

What Is an Absent Parent?

An absent parent is a parent who doesn’t exercise their parenting time physically at all or at least not on a consistent basis. The person may also not be present in any real substantial amount for decisions surrounding the children. There is no official length of time that a parent has to be out of the children’s lives to be classified as an absent parent, but some state family
court systems will look at terminating parental rights or approving a stepparent adoption if the absent parent has had no contact with the children for at least a year.
An absent parent may be gone for several years with no communication at all, or they may call every few months to make a cursory attempt at seeing the children or asking when they can see the children, but they don’t follow through. A situation such as a parent who has to go on a work trip for two weeks and misses some visitation days doesn’t qualify as being an absent parent.

Why Do Parents Come in and Out?

There’s no easy answer to the question of why parents come in and out of a child’s life. It could be because they aren’t sure how to be a parent and aren’t confident in their relationship with their children. It could be because they’re afraiding of making a mistake or repeating poor parenting from their own childhood. It could also be that they have other life obligations and don’t understand the pain they are causing the child by not being present for them. In some situations, the parent may be struggling with a substance abuse disorder, addiction or other mental health issue.
While none of these are excuses or acceptable reasons for not being a present parent, it’s important to remember that in most cases, the absent or in-and-out parent doesn’t have any ill intentions and isn’t trying to hurt the child. In most situations, they simply don’t understand or care to understand how important their role and presence is in the child’s life enough to make a concerted effort to be there.

Navigating the Return

A previously absent parent can come back into your children’s lives for a variety of reasons. In some cases, they may start to mature and realize that their children need a relationship with them. In others, they may be facing family pressures and be trying to get back “in” with the kids before the holidays or summer vacation. No matter the reason, it can be extremely disruptive to both the children’s lives and the primary parent’s life, especially if the children are very young or the parent has been absent for a long time. Below are some strategies you can use to cope with the situation and try to ease some of the stress for yourself and your children.

1. Lay Down Boundaries With the Other Parent

If a parent is trying to come back into the children’s lives after a long absence, it’s important to have a conversation with them beforehand, if possible. They may not be aware of the child’s feelings and think that everything will just be “like it used to,” and there may also be specific things the parent needs to know about the child, such as allergies or medical conditions that have developed during their absence.

During this conversation, it’s a good idea to talk about the other parent’s relationship with the children. Make it clear that you support that relationship and want to have a good coparenting relationship with them. But it’s also important that the other parent understands that that can only happen if they can be consistent from this point forward. After a parent leaves the child’s life for a significant amount of time, especially if it was without cause or warning, it can take time to build that trust and relationship back up again.

2. Get Expectations in Writing

If you already have a court-ordered visitation schedule and the other parent wants to go back to that, you’re legally required to allow the children to go with the parent for their time. However, you can file a motion to ask the courts to modify the agreement or have a “step up” plan so that the child isn’t spending a weekend all of the sudden with someone they haven’t seen in three years. Or you can work out an arrangement that works for both of you, such as starting with more phone calls and dinner once a week and working back up to Saturday all day and eventually a full weekend.

Whatever you decide to go with, make sure to get it in writing and make it a part of your official parenting plan as soon as possible. This ensures there are no miscommunications, and everyone is in agreement with what the expectations are.

3. Talk to the Children

Before the other parent actually starts taking parenting time with the children again, you’ll want to talk with them. It’s important not to make excuses for or lie for the other parent as far as where they’ve been or why they were gone, but it’s equally important to treat it as neutrally as possible. Young children may not need much of an explanation, and older children and teenagers likely won’t care what the reason was anyway.

Make sure to ask your children open-ended questions to get an understanding of how they’re feeling about the change and what questions or concerns they may have. If they’re already in counseling, this can be a great time to bring in the counselor as well. It’s important to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings your children may have — even if they are negative. This will show your child that you are a safe place to share their feelings and encourage them to keep talking and sharing as the relationship and time progresses

4. Focus on Coparenting

It’s normal to be upset and angry with the absent parent and to be skeptical of whether they will stick around this time, but it’s best to keep those feelings to yourself. Once the other parent has expressed a desire to return to the children’s lives, your focus then becomes on coparenting as peacefully as possible. However, those who come in and out of a child’s life are often not known for their cooperation or reliability. That’s one reason using a coparenting app like 2houses can help. You can use the messaging features to communicate, so you don’t have to check texts or emails — and so you have a paper trail — and it lets you put everything related to the children directly online so you don’t have to communicate directly with the other parent about every little issue.

6. Be Prepared With a Backup Plan

While it’s important to remain positive and hopeful, the chances of a parent who has been absent for a long time successfully sticking around aren’t great. The odds are even less if the parent has come and gone a few times. It can be helpful to have a backup plan. On days where the other parent is supposed to come and get the children, it might be helpful to have an alternative to offer, such as the park, if they don’t show.

It’s equally important to ensure you have a solid support system since you may find yourself solo parenting more often than coparenting in these situations. Gathering a community of family and friends can help ensure you don’t feel like you’re having to do everything alone, and it also provides much-needed support as you’re navigating the absent parent’s return.

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3 Ways to Support Your Child Going to A New School After Divorce

Going to A New School After Divorce

Divorces can be extremely hard on the whole family, but the effects they have on children might worry you much more than those they have on you. In such cases, it’s important that both parents put their differences aside and do what they think is best when it comes to their children. Aside from having to adjust to not living with both of their parents any more and moving from their home and everything they were familiar with, one of the main issues is how the child will get accustomed to their new school. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to support them through this challenging period of their lives. Here is some precious advice for making this transition smoother on your children.

Prepare Them for Talking About the Divorce

One thing your child might be very concerned about is how to tell their friends and colleagues about their current family situation. When it comes to smaller children, keep in mind that they don’t usually know how to hide facts and that they might overshare. Similarly, you can expect your teenagers to let some of their new peers in on details you would rather keep to yourself. This isn’t something you should get angry about. Instead, expect it and find time to talk to your children about the divorce and all of the issues they are confused about. After all, it might be a good thing that they trust somebody enough to discuss their thoughts and feelings. Still, let them know that their schoolmates may be curious about the divorce or separation, that they should politely decline answering any personal questions they’re not comfortable with and suggest how they can do it. Perhaps you can teach them how to redirect the conversation. Ask them what they’re ready to share with other children and mention things that may be inappropriate to tell others. Talking to your child can help them filter out what they should say or not, but it lets them know they can come to you with anything that’s bothering them and allows them to cope with any anxiety, fear or anger.

Show Interest in Their School Success

Another thing you should address is the child’s school obligations. While the divorce may be difficult on them, it’s still important that they stay as focused on their schoolwork as possible. Elementary-school children can benefit a lot from you sitting down and explaining anything they don’t understand or hiring tutors for some of their subjects. On the other hand, teenagers might not be as clingy as the smaller children, so you should put some effort into finding other ways to help them keep up with their curriculum. If they have trouble concentrating in class and they’re too distracted to take coherent notes, there are some excellent online resources you can refer them to. For example, Australian students rely on the systematic UOW notes. This is probably because these were written by students who have already taken the courses and understand the requirements of the subjects in question. UOW prides in being one of the top public universities with regards to undergraduate student experience, which means a lot to teenagers, making these notes something your children can turn to improve their grades and have better comprehension of their curriculum. 

Talk to Their Teachers

When your child is at school, they need to know they can rely on their teachers for anything they need. However, in order for teachers to truly be there for your child, they need to have as much insight into your child’s current state of mind, which means that they should be informed of the divorce or separation and how your child is taking it. Not only will that make it easier for the teachers to approach your child with the right kind of teaching method and give them proper guidance, but they’ll also be more understanding if something is out of order. Plus, this way the teachers can monitor your child’s behavior more closely and let you know if there’s anything you should be aware of. Finally, in case your child is still young enough to go to school and come back home on their own, you should let the teachers know who’ll be there to pick them up on any particular day or who they should call if there’s an emergency.

Having your children’s back is one of your main jobs as a parent and it becomes an imperative in such trying situations as going through a divorce. So, armor yourself with patience and love and be there for anything and everything they might need, so that they know they’re just as much loved and appreciated as they’ve always been.

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Ways to Protect Your Privacy During Divorce

Protect Your Privacy During Divorce

Divorce is challenging and overwhelming as it is. However, if you add in the interference and scrutiny from outside parties, it gets even more difficult. When the divorcing parties are high-profile or affluent, privacy can seem like a luxury.

Working with seasoned divorce attorneys is the first step you can take to maintain your privacy during the proceedings. Other ways you can effectively keep sensitive details out of the public eye include:

Tip #01: Avoid Social Media

If you are not careful, social media can easily derail divorce proceedings. Keep in mind that creating hostile posts about the other party can have negative repercussions in court. For the time being, keep your security settings private.

It is also recommended that you encourage family and friends not to post anything negative about the divorce or your significant other. Also, remind them not to leave any negative or derogatory comments on your profile or the other party’s profile.

As a general rule of thumb, don’t share any details about the proceedings with anyone. Moreover, don’t mention anything about it online. If you want to play safe, it would also be a good idea to deactivate your social media account for the time being.

Tip #02: File a Motion to Have Your Case Sealed

This might not be common knowledge, but the public has access to divorce court records. This means any interested party can have access to information and details about your divorce.

In line with this, it would be a good idea to ask your divorce attorney to file a motion to have your case sealed. However, the court needs to grant the motion first before your divorce records are kept out of the public eye.

Tip #03: Ensure Important Documents are Protected

If you are still living with your significant other or if other people are living with you at home, make sure critical documents are kept inside a locked file cabinet or lockbox.

Some of the essential documents you need to secure include your court documents, social security card, and even your medical records.

Tip #04: Be Careful When Answering Personal Questions

While it is customary to confide in close friends and family members during your divorce, you need to still control the information you share with others. When asked personal questions or any information about your divorce, you can politely tell them you would rather not discuss it.

Keep in mind that the less information you share with others, the fewer the complications that can arise.

Tip #05: Consider Mediation

Not all divorce proceedings have to occur in the conventional courtroom. Mediation will enable both parties to work with a mediator. No record will be made of the proceedings in mediation, and no information will become public knowledge.

It is also crucial that you work with a skilled attorney who can guide you and help you decide if mediation is right for you. If both parties agree to work amicably, mediation is an option you can look into.

Tip #06: Avoid Any Drama

The more dramatic and sensational your divorce is, the more interesting it can be to others. Since emotions can run high, it can be challenging to keep all the drama out of the proceedings. Fortunately, you have the option to minimize opportunities for conflict.

Start by limiting your communication with your ex-spouse to email. You also have the option to communicate with the other party through your divorce attorney.

Securing Your Privacy Online

If you are going through a difficult divorce, it is also recommended that you take steps to protect the integrity of your online accounts so you can move forward with confidence and peace of mind. To secure your privacy online, keep the following basics in mind:

Tip #01: Change Your Password

Change all your passwords for unshared personal and financial accounts. If you suspect spyware on your computer at home, change the passwords from a safe computer. Avoid logging in if you think your computer is compromised.

It would also be best to skip the WiFi at home and use a secure MiFi instead. Ensure you log off from shared devices and don’t tick the “remember me” box.

Tip #02: Purchase a New Mobile Phone and Data Plan

While you have the option to change your password and turn off any shared services, you can also consider purchasing a new mobile phone and data plan for your added peace of mind. This can help warrant your spouse won’t have access to your call history and text messages.

Once you have your new phone, make sure you secure it with a fingerprint or PIN and enable the 2-factor authentication. This way, even if your current password is compromised, no one can access your accounts without your new phone.

Tip #03: Check for Spyware

Spyware is a type of software you can install on your phone or computer, usually for a monthly fee. You can use different kinds of spyware to monitor the content of your outgoing and incoming emails, web searches, and text messages.

It is also important to remember that it is illegal to put spyware on your spouse’s computer or phone. If you suspect you are being spied on, check with your divorce lawyer or contact the authorities.

Tip #04: Turn Off Shared Cloud Services and Shared Devices

Consider disabling information-sharing across services and devices, including iCloud, Google, Amazon, Dropbox, and many more. Clouds can be tricky, especially for those who are not tech-savvy. To ensure you don’t miss any crucial steps, it would be a good idea to invest in the help of a technology specialist.

Tip #05: Check Applications on Devices You Own and Disable GPS Permissions

There are instances when spouses put GPS trackers on the other party’s phone without their knowledge. That said, check your list of apps and double-check if you have shared your location with anyone.

Final Thought

If you find any privacy or technology issues challenging to manage during your divorce proceedings, seek the guidance of your divorce attorney. Your divorce lawyer can help ensure you can navigate any privacy issues with ease and go through the proceedings as smoothly as possible.

About the Author:

Andrea Williams is the Community Manager at The Law Offices of Alcock & Associates P.C., a premier law group in Arizona that provides legal services to clients involved in Personal Injury, DUI, Immigration and Criminal cases. She enjoys cooking, reading books and playing minigolf with her friends and family in her spare time.

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Divorced Parents: Share School-Related Expenses

Divorced Parents Share School-Related Expenses

Money– for most of us, it’s our least favorite thing to talk about. When you’re raising kids as participating co-parents, discussing finances can sometimes feel like pulling teeth.

While the concept of child support eventually becomes a normal part of life for families that are raising children post-divorce, certain times of the year always feel like a heightened challenge. Christmas, birthdays and back-to-school season can really weigh on parents who are trying to decide how to fairly and effectively finance an enriching life for their kids. 

You know what? It doesn’t have to feel that way. 

From open communication to implementing a co-parenting app, shared expenses don’t have to be a messy, uncomfortable thing to manage during the school year. Read on to learn how to effectively handle this component of co-parenting your school-aged child. 

Average Cost of Back-To-School Expenses

The average family spends $272-360 per child during the back-to-school season. One in five families will spend more than that, expecting to contribute over $400 in expenses per child in order to prepare them with the proper supplies and clothes. 

The COVID-19 pandemic resulted in additional costs for some families. In order to prepare for online school, some families spent thousands of dollars in order to equip their kids with the right technology. 

Education-Related Expenses 

Education expenses are any expenses required for your child to be enrolled in or participate in school. These expenses may include but are not limited to: 

  • Uniforms
  • Tuition and fees
  • Transportation costs to and from school 
  • School supplies
  • Books
  • Room and board
  • Tutoring
  • Computers and technology

Families are spending more and more on these items every year, especially as their children get older. It’s important that separated or divorced parents discuss what items are necessary for school, and what are unnecessary expenses. 

Extracurricular Expenses 

If they’re anything like the statistics, your kids are likely excited to get back into their extracurricular activity of choice. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 42%  of school-aged children were involved in sports. 30% of children were involved in some kind of private lessons (like music), and 28 percent were involved in clubs. 

Of these kids, 9% participated in all three types of activities. That makes for a busy (and potentially expensive) school year!

Activity costs may include: 

  • Yearbooks, photos, admission to events
  • Sports physicals 
  • Prom, homecoming, or other dance expenses 
  • Registration fees
  • Sports equipment and uniforms
  • Transportation costs to and from activities 
  • Driver’s education costs 
  • Private music, sport or drama lessons 
  • Student activity fees
  • Instruments

Just as you and your former spouse come to a transportation and custody agreement, it’s important to acknowledge the expenses that come with your children’s favorite pastimes. While wildly beneficial for their health, development, and happiness, 46% of parents report spending more than $1,000 on their kids’ activities every year. If you’re co-parenting, it’s time to talk about how that’s going to be split between households. 

Picking a School

After a divorce, a child may need to change schools to satisfy their new living situation or their parent’s expectations for their education. If you’re like 10% of families in the United States, you may consider private school over public school for your family. This will obviously come at a cost. 

On average,  K-12 schools will cost a family $25,000-$65,000 a year. Will this be sustainable once your incomes are no longer combined? 

When determining what school you will ultimately finance, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Is private school a necessity, or a luxury? 
  • What is in the best interest of your child? 
  • What is each parent able to pay? 
  • Can you make this decision without a mediator? 

If the child is already enrolled in a private school, it may be best to keep them in an environment they are familiar with. At the end of the day, you know what’s best for your child. Have an honest conversation as parents– it may make for an easy decision. 

Post-Secondary Education 

Is your child nearing the age of 18? Parental support may extend beyond childhood. 25 states give courts the authority to order a non-custodial parent to pay some level of college expenses. This kind of child support is called “post-minority” or “post-secondary” support.

Have you already established a college fund? What sort of support will you provide to assist with moving or living expenses? Set aside some time and have a sit-down discussion about what kind of future you are expecting once your child reaches his or her college years.  

Spending Philosophies 

How did it feel to discuss money in your marriage? Were expenses split, or determined by income ratios? While determining a fair child support arrangement, courts will consider the following: 

  • The gross incomes of both parents (includes salary/hourly wages, any commissions, rental income, tips, or bonuses)
  • The typical payroll deductions and available tax deductions for both parents
  • The custody agreement 
  • Each parent’s expected childcare costs

If you’re still working out the specifics, start with considering two very general expense-sharing philosophies. 

50:50 Spending 

Do you feel that it is most fair to split costs 50/50? This is most common for separating parents who earn similar incomes. 

If you can work out a monthly payment agreement, or reimburse one another by 50% immediately, you may be able to avoid any conflict involving delayed payments or anything in direct violation of the child support agreement. 

Income Ratios 

If there is a substantial difference in income, it may be the fairest to agree upon an income-based system. A 70/30 or 60/40 split might be the most reasonable arrangement if you expect to maintain a quality living environment while paying off all other bills and debts. 

Did you experience a high-asset divorce? It may be time to discuss the reality of child support costs and what you can reasonably afford. A divorce is an expensive time for both parties– it’s best to stay compassionate and realistic in what you both expect to earn and contribute. 

Dividing by Line Item 

Would you rather just take turns paying for items and activities? If the two of you have been doing this for a while and know what kind of costs should be anticipated, it might be convenient to split expenses based on specific costs. 

Perhaps one parent covers all extracurricular expenses while another pays for a great first day of school outfit. If one parent is more invested in a sport or activity more than the other, they may feel driven to contribute more than their required share. Talk it out! 

How to Determine Shared Expenses  

Are you looking for some quick methods to implement into your shared expenses? Consider some of these tricks to eliminate friction.  

Tracking Spending 

Tracking spending is a core organizational tactic that many households–separated or not– use to keep their finances in line. By keeping receipts and documenting every single charge, you can ensure that both parties are abiding by the agreed-upon child support directive. This can be done both online (spreadsheets or shared docs are convenient) as well as by collecting and keeping all receipts. 

Expense tracking can also be a great communication or “check-in” tool. Keeping the other parent “in the loop” about what expenses have come up and how they were paid for will help to keep things cordial.  No need for surprises or awkward parking lot payouts if you agree to a regular finance meeting. 

Review Trends

If you’re successfully tracking every expense, it’s easy to look back on last year’s expenses. Once you can anticipate what the expected costs are, it’s much easier to come to an exact agreement that doesn’t leave room for frustrating surprises. Managing expectations is one of the best things you can do for this new kind of relationship. 

Reviewing trends is also a great learning experience for you both. By looking over what money was spent unnecessarily or in excess, the two of you can update what might be expected, or budget a little differently. That’s more money in both of your pockets! 

Put Agreements in Writing 

If you are still working out an arrangement, the court may require you to track all expenses to ensure that they qualify for reimbursement or cost-sharing.

If expenses are something your lawyers are keeping track of, it’s best to record them in accordance with your child support agreement, and make any required payments by the date they are expected. 

Even if your arrangement isn’t required by the court, you may want to consider having your agreement added to the court order in order to hold everyone accountable. If this is done, remember that this agreement may need to be amended as the child gets older, and as their expenses start to evolve. 

Co-Parenting App

Are you always on the go? Are you a tech junkie? Do you prefer having everything in one place so it’s easier to track and share? 

If so, a co-parenting app might be the key to a successful school year. 

A financial management system helps you and your co-parent keep track of child-related expenses in one singular place. Name and categorize each expense so it’s clear what each charge is for. Take pictures of receipts for quick uploads and reimbursements on the go. 

A co-parenting app like 2Houses bridges the communication gap between households by releasing a wish list feature to keep your co-parent in the loop of upcoming expenses. You can also send a parent a request to reimburse you for their determined portion of any expenses. No more texting back and forth about money, or using your child as the middleman. 

Once it’s time for tax season, exporting all data into a CSV or PDF will make things easier for you or your accountant. You will never again have to ask for financial documentation from a co-parent in order to complete or file your taxes or see if you qualify for a tax credit. 

Potential Challenges 

The confusing aspect of child support is the lack of guidance or prescribed spending provided by the court. As child support intends to provide for a child’s basic needs, it usually only accounts for: 

  • Housing
  • Food 
  • Clothing

This becomes even more apparent when households are trying to determine where their child will attend school. If parents cannot agree on the type of education their child will receive, it is up to the court to decide. 

The courts will consider the following conditions: 

  • The parents’ respective educational backgrounds
  • The age and grade of the child
  • The current enrollment environment of the child and how long they have attended that particular school
  • How a private school education compares to the quality of education at the public school the child would otherwise attend
  • The financial resources of the parents

These questions certainly don’t have to be answered in court. Bringing these considerations to the table on your own can help you two communicate clearly, and effectively. Communicating with respect, patience, and grace will help you and your former spouse solve the labyrinth that is co-parenting.  

Keep Track of Shared Expenses With One Great Tool

The most important part of keeping a handle on co-parenting expenditures and shared expenses is staying organized. While we can’t promise a completely stress-free school year (read: runny noses, lost textbooks, late mornings), an organized approach that involves splitting costs, methods of payment, deciding what costs are necessary together will keep two co-parents on the same team. 

Is your team looking for the right tool to keep your two houses in order? Start your 14-day trial of 2Houses and discover how the right financial management system can ensure your separate accounts operate in sync.