Category: Co-parenting

Divorce can wreak havoc on a child’s world and affect her life at school. How much information should a parent give a child’s teacher and other adults in the child’s life, and how should the child tell her friends? Our experts provide tips and guidance for parents to help their children navigate this difficult life experience.

When a child’s parents divorce, the mix of emotions he experiences—sadness, frustration, guilt, anger, and confusion—can make school a tough place to be. For some kids, the entire school year is lost. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Rosalind Sedacca, a certified corporate trainer in Florida, and her husband divorced when their son was in middle school. As difficult as it was, Sedacca and her ex-husband decided to coparent—he chose to live nearby in the same school district, they both remained involved in their son’s education, and they worked hard to create a stable life for him. As a result, their middle school son remained the A student he had always been.

The experience led Sedacca to create a support network for parents with resources on how to have a child-centered divorce. Her message is clear: Parents must put aside their anger toward each other and create a secure, loving environment for their children at each parent’s home and at school. She describes the approach as cooperative coparenting.

Sedacca advises enlisting help from the child’s teachers early on. “I highly advocate that parents create a support team so everyone has an eye on the child,” she says. Guidance counselors, social workers, administrators, coaches, and scout leaders can all be part of the team.

Teachers can provide insight into the child’s behavior and performance that a parent might miss. “The parents are so caught up in their own personal drama, they may not be able to recognize everything going on with their child,” Sedacca explains.

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Patti Ghezzi for schoolfamily.com

We live in an increasingly mobile society few people stay in the same place in which they grew up – moving for work reasons or just because they feel a different area may work better for them.

It is common for people to relocate after a divorce or separation. The reasons vary, pehaps it has been a particularly traumatic break up, or a new job or partner, to be nearer to the support of family and friends back at home; or just the desire to make a new start. Whatever the reason, where there are children involved and the other parent objects it may be necessary to obtain a residence order from the court.

The law governing parental relocation is the Children’s Act 1989. This states that the welfare of the child is paramount when considering whether a residence order should be granted. The Act has been interpreted in different ways by the courts depending on whether the proposed relocation has been within the UK or abroad.

Requests for residence orders for a UK destination could be refused where there are “exceptional circumstances”. For example, in the case of Re F (2010), the court denied a mother’s request to move from north east England to the Orkneys as one of the children had expressed strong feeling against the move and another suffered from dyspraxia and mild autism. This meant their welfare would be affected by moving away.

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By PCadmin for theparentconnection.org.uk

Parents who are divorcing often get sucked into a nasty competition when it comes to the kids, with each parent vying for custody of the kids. Of course, both parents often want to keep the kids with them, which frequently results in joint custody. Once the arrangement is set, the kids shuffle between Mom’s and Dad’s respective houses, while the parents often avoid asking the kids what they want to do or with whom they want to live.

Well, the truth is that there are endless misconceptions about divorce and its effect on kids. Many people feel that divorce is psychologically harmful for kids, though the research – and I’m referring to Judith Wallerstein’s research, in particular – actually shows that divorce does not harm children over the long-term unless other factors come into play. For example, divorced parents who maintain a bitter relationship post-divorce and talk badly about each other to the kids can cause kids major anxiety and distress. But aside from such instances, there are many things that divorced parents can do to limit the harm caused to the kids.

One thing divorced parents can do is make an ongoing effort to check in with the kids about how they feel about the assigned living arrangements. While children are young (10 years or younger), joint custody can provide an important reminder to the kids that their parents still love them and will both remain a fundamental part of the kids’ lives. Yet the problem often starts when the kids get a little older.

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by Seth Meyers, Psy.D. in Insight Is 20/20

Divorce stinks. Don’t get me wrong. The excruciating pain of leaving your child on Mom’s doorstep, of missing holidays and first steps, of having to schedule visitation are nothing to sign up for unless there is no other choice. My divorce involved the kind of pain that makes you think walking in front of a train would be a piece of cake if not for your responsibilities. But buried deep within that pain is a silver lining — a motivation, an aspiration, a hands-on learning — that “normal” dads don’t get.

My son was 6 months old and my daughter was 2 when I moved into a furnished rental with shag rugs, the permanent smell of Chinese food and a commanding view, through cracked Plexiglas, of Route 95 in Providence, R.I. My time with Kerry and Seamus was limited to trips to McDonald’s and a walk across the highway to Federal Hill for pizza a couple of times a week. But even that was progress. I had been an absent dad up until that point, working nonstop. And when I wasn’t working, I was drinking and getting into trouble.

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By THOMAS MATLACK for parenting.blogs.nytimes.com

Grandparents are often caught in the tensions between parents when divorce takes place. Eager to help ease the situation, many grandparents are confused about how they can play a part in addressing the pain, confusion and other emotional issues that may be affecting their innocent grandkids. Every divorce is unique there are no cookie-cutter solutions that do the trick, but there are some guidelines to keep in mind, especially in regards to being there for your grandchildren.

If you haven’t been close to the kids beforehand, post-divorce is a difficult time to develop a relationship. But if you already have that bond established, it’s important to keep the ongoing connection at this time when the children are facing so many unknowns.

When communication and trust are strong between you and your grandchildren, it’s easier to bring up issues that concern you for a chat. Children who are comfortable in their relationship with you are more likely to confide their frustrations, fears and insecurities to you. Keep in mind that it’s always more effective to offer advice once they ask or bring the subject up. Then you can share your wisdom in an age-appropriate manner.

One important word of caution: If you are going to discuss issues regarding divorce or other life challenges, it is essential that you discuss this subject first with the children’s parents to get permission in advance!

 

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Rosalind Sedacca for Huffpost Divorce

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce in the United States and other nations around the world? While it’s too early for statistical evidence, marriage counselors and divorce attorneys around the globe are in agreement. They’re finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are postponing the divorce decision due to financial reasons. In the U.S., with housing values at near-record lows, wide-ranging cuts in salaries and a dramatic rise in unemployment rates, many couples are not divorcing because they are afraid they can’t afford it.

Does this mean that couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.

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Rosalind Sedacca for Huffpost Divorce

Children often fear that they will lose one of their parents in a divorce or that their parents will abandon them and they will have to fend for themselves. Therefore, both of you need to convey in your words and deeds that you will always be there for them.

Make sure that your reassurances and promises are more than hot air. Otherwise, your children will become distrustful of you and cynical about your reliability and honesty.

Agree on what you’re going to say

It is best if you and your spouse can take the time to determine what you are going to say about your divorce before you talk with your children. Get your story straight so that you don’t contradict one another or argue while you are breaking the news to your kids. If you need help deciding what to say to your children, talk things over with your religious advisor or schedule an appointment with a mental health professional.

Unfortunately, some of you will not have cooperative spouses. That means that you and your soon-to-be-ex will probably have separate conversations with your children. Before you do, for your children’s sake, try to come to an agreement about exactly what you will tell them. If you don’t, you risk sending them conflicting messages about your divorce and its possible impact on them.

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Article from Dummies.com

Do you find yourself saying things to your child during an argument without even thinking about it? Let’s face it, it’s almost impossible to be detached or objective when your child is in your face fighting with you. And naturally, it feels like a personal attack when he’s saying rude things or calling you names. During those moments, it’s all too easy to respond with something hurtful. All of a sudden, your feelings take over—your emotions jump into the driver’s seat and your thinking moves into the back seat.
What comes out of your mouth doesn’t always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to.
Almost every parent has gotten mad and said things to their kids they wish they could take back. The trick is to figure out how to remain in control so you don’t end up saying something you’ll regret. Though this is easier said than done, trust me, it is possible—and it’s a skill you can learn, just like anything else.

On the Parental Support Line, we hear from people all the time after they’ve had arguments with their kids. They call us to get perspective and to find out ways they can manage their children’s behavior—and their own responses—more effectively. Here are some examples of the types of phrases I believe you should avoid saying to your child during an argument. (Later, I’ll suggest some things you can say—and do—instead.)
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by Carole Banks for empoweringparents.com

Ingrédients for the king cake :

• 1 (16 oz) can of biscuits (regular, not the layered kind but the regular). We use “Grands”
• 1/4 cup melted butter
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 tablespoon cinnamon
• A few spoonfuls of canned cream cheese frosting (optional)
• Yellow, Purple, Green Sprinkles

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Line a cookie sheet with Release foil. You can skip this, but it makes clean up easier. Open the biscuits and lay them flat on the foil. Press them into a large circle (about 12 inches) or giant rectangle.

Paint the dough with butter, then mix sugar and cinnamon together and sprinkle evenly over dough.

Lay babies or figurines somewhere on the dough.

Roll the dough up into a cylinder and pinch as tightly as possible to seal. Shape the cylinder into a round.

Bake for 35 minutes. Let cool slightly, then spoon icing over top and let it fall down sides. Sprinkle sugar on top.

Ready to eat! It tastes best shortly after being made, but also tastes good the next day.

When it comes to divorce, everyone is concerned about the kids. Not that everyone who divorces has kids, but we don’t seem to have as much angst about child-free couples who divorce as we do about those who have kids — especially young kids.

For all our studies about how divorce impacts kids, ranging from the doom and gloom genre to “the kids are all right” variety, we don’t seem to ask the most important people of all what they think — the kids themselves.

Ellen Bruno did.

The longtime San Francisco filmmaker and international relief worker interviewed a handful of children aged 6 to 12 about their feelings about their parents’ divorce for her nearly completed documentary, Split.

Read more and see the video…

By OMGchronicles