Category: Co-parenting

Anyone can start a blended family. Actually getting everyone to blend is a bigger challenge.

When you become the spouse or partner of a parent, it’s entirely normal to feel a mix of emotions. You might be excited to have these kids in your life, and anxious about how to not step on the toes of their other parent. Maybe you’re worried about how to discipline the kids, or nervous they won’t get along with your family. Your top priority, though, is probably to form a loving and respectful relationship with the new kids in your life.

As one of the adults at the head of a new blended family, it’s up to you to nurture the relationships you have with your partner’s kids. A few simple strategies, and a lot of patience, will help you get there.

Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations

Kids need consistency and boundaries to feel safe and secure. Establishing boundaries will also protect you from having to make up rules and punishments on the fly, which creates tension.

First, talk to the other parent about the kind of household you want to create. Make a list of house rules that are important to both of you, and talk about what the consequences will be when someone breaks a rule. Next, bring the family together to talk about the rules. Give everyone a chance to talk. Ask kids to share the things they feel they need from you to feel safe and comfortable. Ideally, you’ll schedule regular family get-togethers so everyone has a chance to air any grievances rather than letting them fester.

Find Individual Bonding Experiences

To bring your entire blended family together, focus on strengthening the individual relationships between all of you. Find common activities or interests that you can share with each child. If one kid loves sports, buy season tickets for a local baseball or basketball team. If another is into reading, make a point to schedule weekly library trips for the two of you.

If you have kids of your own, encourage them to form individual relationships with their new step-siblings. Even if it’s just asking a pair of them to join you for a grocery-shopping trip, give them plenty of chances to spend one-on-one time together.

Find Time for Fun

Blending two households and establishing new dynamics is stressful! But if months go by and the kids don’t see you do anything but worry and talk about rules, they’re not going to be inclined to bond with you.

Find unexpected ways to inject some fun and laughter into your shared life. Announce a surprise beach trip one day, or decide that the first Saturday of every month will be a family fun day. Play silly board games and ask kids to show you their favorite funny movies.

Give Kids Some Space

Kids had a whole life with their parent before you arrived on the scene. Part of forming a bonded blended family is showing each other respect for your individual pasts. So be careful to allow plenty of space and time for kids and your partner to have together. Encourage them to have meals alone and to take trips by themselves, to show the kids that you’re not trying to wedge yourself into their relationship.

It’s also important to not expect too much, too soon. Hopefully the kids will grow to love and trust you, and each other, but you can’t rush those things. It might take years to establish a really close and loving relationship. That’s worth the wait.

Christmas is a special time for children and therefore for their parents too. This holiday, which traditionally involves the family unit, can be difficult for separated parents, especially when their children are not with them for Christmas. We have compiled a list of frequently asked questions by co-parents during the run-up to December 24 and solutions to some of them in order to revive the magic of Christmas for them in their own way.

Who will have custody of the children this year?

Divorced parents are often very fussy about compliance with childcare during the holiday season. To avoid a family crisis that would disturb children, it is better to update your  custody calendar  several months in advance.  Sandrine says: ”  My children will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with me and my family this year.   It alternates every year with my ex-husband and I think it is very suitable for everyone because nobody feels cheated “. In all cases, do not ask children to choose which parent they want to spend Christmas with as this would undermine their sense of loyalty towards the excluded parent.

What gift will I give to my daughter or my son?

After a separation, you may feel guilty towards your children, or jealous towards the former spouse. Subsequently in some families, there is a competition for who can give the most expensive gift for Christmas.  The relationship with the co-parent is not a competition  and the child can quickly understand the mechanism and  take advantage of this weakness  to get what he or she wants. David explains: “My ex-wife does not have the same financial means as me, which creates some tension with the approach of Christmas or birthdays.  After a few unfortunate episodes, we made an effort to consult each other before the holidays to prevent our daughter from being a witness to our differences.  Sometimes we offer a bigger, common gift.”

Should I invite my ex to the party for the benefit of my children?

Why not, if you still share some affection . But it should not raise false hopes.  A child can lose his bearings when his separated parents meet and give the impression of a family unit. Be careful too about the organizational nightmare that this can create with in step families: what about new family members and their children?

This is my first Christmas divorced with kids

Unconsciously or not, many separated parents are hit by nostalgia which can invade Christmas. Jean-François has become habituated to inviting his two teenagers to a restaurant with his new girlfriend: ” I found myself alone, desperate to organize a perfect Eve.  It quickly turned into a culinary fiasco. Since then, I reserve a good restaurant, and on Christmas Eve we go out”. Martine has made a clean sweep of her former life: “It reminded me too much of old memories.  I decided to change all the dishes, table decoration and especially the menu. Finish the game, and flash garlands”. Separation, it changes people. It is normal for family traditions to evolve to better match the new life of each. And if you feel better as well,  the children will be the ones to benefit.

This is my first Christmas divorced without my children

Separated parents agree that this is a difficult moment to go through. “After a few years, one tends to become experienced” says Sandra, who found tricks to not spend Christmas alone. ”  I made new friends who are mostly like me.  We take the opportunity to meet on Christmas Eve and have a good time without getting depressed.  I know my children are with their father so I do not let myself worry about them “. You have to reassure yourself: there will be other Christmases you’ll spend with the children and we have the whole year to spend with them. This is the moment to take care of yourself.

And you? Does this time of year particularly affect you after your separation? What are your experiences or your new Christmas traditions? Share your experiences here

Your marital relationship is over, but what about your relationship with your in-laws, their relationship with your children, or even your relationship with your ex-spouse’s new lover? What is healthy and appropriate? Since no one has written the new rules and codes of social conduct for relationships engendered by divorce, we asked some experts to share their insights with us.

Everyone knows at least one divorce horror story, but we seldom hear about people who have established friendly post-divorce associations with each other. “Did you hear that Hugh and Liz are getting along well these days?” just isn’t news. Armed with their version of divorce hell, the skeptics tell us it’s impossible for a divorced couple to make peace and become friends. They outtalk the quiet and peaceful believers — perhaps because people who are doing just fine don’t feel the need to vent. “If every divorce were a ‘War of the Roses’, there would be blood on the streets!” points out Barbara Quick, author of Still Friends: Living Happily Ever After…Even if your Marriage Falls Apart.

Luckily, it’s never too late to make peace. With determination and good intentions, you can overcome the anger, grief, and sadness of losing a marriage and eventually — believe it or not — achieve friendship. Whether or not you want to be “friends” with your ex is a decision in itself, but if you have children together, finding a way to be amicable with your co-parent makes life a lot easier. Your former in-laws don’t have to disappear with the marriage either, especially if you’ve always enjoyed a good relationship with them. Unfortunately there’s no rule book for cultivating civility with your ex-spouse, your former in-laws, or even your ex’s new spouse — so we asked several experts — including people who have managed to create friendly post-divorce relationships — for some guidance. Here’s what they had to say:

Ex-spouse, New Friend?

When the divorce process has pitted you and your spouse against each other, training you to view each other as enemies, any form of future alliance can seem impossible. But if you have children, your ex-spouse is still your co-parent. “It’s difficult for separated partners to remain productive co-parents when the legal process is making them enemies,” says Lillian Messinger, a Toronto marriage counselor who specializes in post-divorce relationships. It takes a lot of maturity to make amends with the person who has torn apart your life, or who has been a monster in court. But just as it takes two to determine the marriage dynamic, it takes two to make a good — or bad — divorce. Quick emphasizes that “every couple has their own relationship dance. All you have to do is change your part in the dance.” If you change your behavior, your relationship will change, too.

Mark and Sara (not their real names) were married for 12 years, and have now been divorced for three. “The first couple years of our marriage was pretty good, but it went downhill rapidly,” says Sara. “For the last six years, we communicated in snarls, or through our son, Peter. A friend encouraged us to try mediation, and during the process we started to really talk for the first time in years. The mediator encouraged us to remember what we used to like about each other as we established our co-parenting relationship, and how to listen and ‘mine for the gold’ in what we said to each other.” Both Sara and Mark report that their relationship is better post-divorce than it ever was when they were married. “We are much better as friends than as a couple,” says Mark. “Some of the things that really bug you in a spouse just don’t matter in a friend. For Peter’s sake, we were committed to working on our co-parenting relationship, and the happy side-effect is that we really like each other these days — which wasn’t the case during our marriage.”

However well or poorly you knew your former spouse, this will be an exercise in re-acquaintance. Forming a relationship with your ex is entirely separate from the process of ending a marriage; if you work through the process to achieve your “emotional divorce,” you can cultivate something entirely new. Your old relationship is over; take the steps to heal so that you can invest your energy elsewhere.

Grieving the death of a marriage is like mourning any other loss: it hurts a lot, and you get through it minute by minute. The trick is to stay on the path to recovery, not stopping at the first challenge. In her research for Still Friends, Quick found that a pattern emerged among those who had successfully recovered from divorce. The process that begins with anger and grieving eventually leads to healing, forgiveness, and insight. “Acknowledge the stage you’re at, and allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Most people get stuck in anger and grieving,” says Quick, adding that “Everyone has a unique healing process. Some people go through it on their hands and knees, spending months at every stage, others go through it at high speed.”

Healing and moving on can take years, but communication with your ex may have to continue both during and after your divorce. If you have children, you will have to discuss the details of their lives. Whether weekly or monthly, these chats are going to develop a personality. They might be draining, dreadful, stressful, infuriating, and frustrating — or they could be just fine.

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When a divorced couple has children, life can get very complicated. Each parent is now on their own and suddenly realize all of the small things they did not notice when they had the other parent to back them up. Parents of babies and toddlers are tested by late nights and early mornings, with no one to alternate sleep, feedings, changing, and difficult nights with. Mothers and fathers of school aged children have to handle the morning routine: getting the kids to school, meeting with teachers, and driving the kids to after-school activities, all on their own. Managing life after divorce as a parent is not easy, but life will get back to normal much faster if steps are taken to deal with the challenges, instead of just hoping for a solution.

Struggles of Single Parents

Going through a divorce and living with divorce are very complicated life events which statistics show that many people in this country go through. Below are the two main challenges for single parents:

Childcare

This can be tricky one when the other parent doesn’t want to play nice. Developing a set schedule, if at all possible, for visitations will make it a little easier to figure out childcare. After visitation is established, each parent needs to find their own sitters or agree on one childcare or babysitter for both schedules. Both parents should have their own backup in case help bails at the last moment. This will keep the other parent from having to cancel their own plans to watch the children.

Read more…
By Andrew Miller for familyblawg.com

Perhaps one of the most challenging conversations you’ll have as a separating parent is with your children. Throughout their lives, you’ve made their wellbeing a priority. Coming to them with news of your breakup may be emotionally devastating. But regardless of how well you know your children, their reactions may still surprise you. Try to keep the conversation age-appropriate. Remind your children that their parents’ divorce does not mean the loss of their family.

Have the Conversation as a Family

Your children should all be part of the conversation. Try to sit down with your spouse and all of your kids at the same time to discuss the divorce. By presenting a united front with your spouse, you minimize tension and prevent feelings of resentment towards one parent or the other. You want to reassure your children the break up is not their fault and that they will remain loved. The feeling of togetherness of a group talk supports this idea that they are not losing the people closest to them.

Prepare Your Main Messages Beforehand

In the moment, you may forget to tell your children what they most need to hear. That’s why you and your spouse should jot down the key things you want to say. In part, this can be things such as, “we have tried to fix our problems, but it hasn’t worked,” “you will always be loved, now just in two houses instead of one,” “we are still a family even though we no longer live together” and “you didn’t do anything to cause this to happen.” You can introduce them to the 2houses site and explain how the family will remain connected.

Remain Aware of Your Child’s Concerns

The age of your children determines how they see the world. As a result, what worries them most will depend on their stage of development. A preschooler is still largely dependent on her parents and may need reassurance they will still be fed, cared for and played with. As kids get a bit older, they are more aware of their feelings. They may have important social connections outside the family, so they may be concerned about moving or going to a new school.

Listen Actively to Their Questions

The conversation should leave ample time for questions. You may have to encourage your children, whatever their age, to ask whatever is on their minds. These questions may provide greater insight into your children’s world and may bring up issues you have not yet resolved. Your children may ask anything from what caused the breakup to whether the siblings will still live together and where the pets will reside. Be honest, but don’t overwhelm children with too much information. Always circle back to key issues of support, comfort and reassurance regardless of the challenging questions.

Keep the Conversation Going

After you’ve told your children that you are going to divorce, there will be a transition period of many months. Depending on the circumstances, you and your spouse may continue to live together for a period of time or one spouse may move out immediately. It may be a while before co parenting schedules are finalized, placing additional uncertainty and stress on the children. Using 2houses, the family can start to work out the details of new schedules and find out what works for everyone.

Because these changes directly impact your children’s day-to-day lives, it’s essential to do what you can to maintain their stability. Make them feel safe and reassure them you are always available to talk about what’s going on. Together, you can ease into your new lives while helping your children maintain their emotional health. In an ideal world, all they need to worry about is growing up.

The summer break is over and going back to school can be stressful not only for children, but for parents who are separated too! Here are a few tips to make going back to school as smooth as possible…

1) Establish a regular routine

Everyone relaxes during the summer break – we don’t eat at regular times, go to bed late and are free to do as we please. Sophie Dierick, a teacher and separated mom of 2 teenagers, is convinced that “a lot of stress and conflicts could be avoided if parents were stricter on kids going back to school”. The first piece of advice is therefore to progressively regulate your child’s routine by, for example, bringing bedtime forward by 15 minutes every day in the week before they go back to school and suggesting some intellectual activities (reading, puzzles, etc.).

2) Plan your back-to-school expenses

Review the situation with your co-parent: what does your child need in both houses? Are there any shared expenses? Can anything be reused? Think outside the box: going back to school isn’t just about buying school stationery, but also renewing bus passes, sorting their wardrobe, replacing old trainers and even budgeting an allowance for school dinners. Avoid peak times when planning your purchases or, better still, buy everything online! Don’t forget to discuss your respective expenses as well as your views on how these should be allocated.

3) Find an extracurricular activity

Extracurricular activities, such as plays, music, sports and scouting, are vital in helping a child build their self-confidence and channel their energy. Find out in advance about activities in your area that your son or daughter would like. Add any subscription fees and doctor’s visits for medical certificates to your shared custody schedule.

4) Put their mind at ease by keeping things tidy

A tidy and well-stocked desk can also motivate your child to get back into the school mindset! If your child is old enough for homework, it is important to show them that you want to help them work comfortably by setting up a quiet area, away from any distractions. Having a tidy backpack in class will also reassure them. Our teacher can’t stress this enough: “On the first day back at school, children need to have all the necessary supplies. If they don’t, they will slow down the group and this will scare them, especially the little ones.”

5) Update your diaries

Doctors, coaches, the parents of their (new) best friend… Have you added all those handy telephone numbers to your address book? A shared diary for separated parents means this information can be accessed stress-free at any time!

Do you have any other tips for making going back to school easy for your child and co-parent? Share them in our comments section!

©2013, 2houses the co-parenting facilitator.

Thousands of kids experience the stress of divorce each year. How they’ll react depends on their age, personality, and the particular circumstances of the separation and divorce process.

Every divorce will have an effect on the kids involved — and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration, anger, or worry. But kids can also come out of it better able to cope with stress, and many become more flexible, tolerant young adults.

The most important things that both parents can do to help kids through this difficult time are:

• Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.
• Minimize the disruptions to kids’ daily routines.
• Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.
• Keep each parent involved in the kids’ lives.

Most adults going through separation and divorce need support — from friends, professionals, clergy, and family. Don’t seek support from your kids, even if they seem to want you to.

Breaking the News

As soon as you’re certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart. Although there’s no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents present for this conversation. It’s important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you’re going to manage telling your kids so you don’t become upset or angry during the talk.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to a child’s age, maturity, and temperament, be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and is not the kids’ fault. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. So it’s vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance.

Tell your kids that sometimes adults change the way they love each other or can’t agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that kids and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Parents and kids often don’t agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give kids enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids don’t need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It’s enough for them just to understand what will change in their daily routine, and — just as important — what will not.

With younger kids, it’s best to keep it simple. You might say something like: “Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don’t fight so much, but we both love you very much.”

Older kids and teens may be more in tune with what parents have been going through, and may have more questions based on what they’ve overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights.

Handling Kids’ Reactions

Tell kids who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: “I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?” or “We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart.”

Not all kids react right away. Let yours know that’s OK too, and there will be other times to talk when they’re ready. Some kids try to please their parents by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your kids express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they’ll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change.

Read more on Kidshealth.org

Severe weather is something that nearly every area of the country experiences, whether it’s a tornado, hurricane or a nor’easter. While these weather patterns can be unsettling, talking about what to do in the event that severe weather strikes and planning for how to handle it can help keep your family at ease. These 21 blog entries provide some guidance for talking to kids about severe weather without scaring them, preparing for severe weather and implementing practical tips you can use to keep your family safe.

Bad Weather Fears

According to Dr. Amador, psychologist, it’s important to discuss severe weather with your children to make sure they understand the truth about storms. When kids don’t know what to expect they tend to immediately start dreaming up the worst case scenario. Talking things through before they happen can help alleviate this so that everyone stays calm if and when severe weather strikes. These seven blog articles will help you talk to your kids about severe weather.

• Thunderphobia: Mayo Experts Offer Tips to Help Children Conquer Severe Weather Fears Here you’ll find advice from the doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN regarding how to help your kids overcome their fear of thunder and bad weather.
• Dr. Amador: Talking to Our Kids about the Oklahoma Tornado Tragedy This doctor feels that it’s important to talk about tornadoes with your kids, and she explains the best way to handle that conversation.
• 10 Tips for Talking to Kids about Severe Weather Read through this blog post to learn how you should best explain severe weather to your kids.
• 5 Tips to Help Your Child’s Severe Weather Fears—Parent Society Discover the best way to address your child’s questions about if bad weather will happen in your town.
• Talking to Kids about Tornadoes and Ways to Help Oklahoma Learn the answers to several pertinent questions that kids may have about tornadoes.
• Talking with Your Kids about the Tornado… This is a very moving article written by someone close to the tragedy in Oklahoma that contains good advice for talking to kids.
• Coping with Autism—6 Tips for Dealing with Uncertainty and Natural Disasters If you have an autistic child or know one, you should read this blog post.

How to Prepare

Preparing for severe weather as a family can provide reassurance that you have a plan that will keep your family safe.  In these seven blog entries you will find suggestions on how to prepare for severe weather of all kinds.

• Josie Loza: Helping Kids Prepare for Bad Weather Suggestions to limit exposure to the news and get your kids to help you form an emergency plan can be found in this post.
• Severe Weather Preparedness Week: Talking About Preparedness with Kids Find information about the Red Cross’ Flat Stanley and Flat Stella program.
• Preparing Your Family for Severe Weather in Southeast Michigan You don’t have to live in Michigan to reap the benefits of this post, which reviews a helpful list of items for an emergency kit.
• Talk About Tornadoes: How to Prepare Your Family for Storm Season at Home or School Make sure you know your school’s emergency plan and that you have one in place at home.
• Severe Weather and Tornado Preparedness This blog article is about North Texas, but it lists important ways to be prepared that would be true for any situation.
• 10 Severe Weather Prep Tips From weather radios to food and blankets, this list includes it all.
• Moms Talk: Preparing Your Family for Severe Weather This post shares viewpoints from three moms on how they handle severe weather with their families.

Tips for Severe Weather

By going over safety tips with your child, he will get a better understanding of what positive things you can do to stay safe.  These tips may also prompt your child to ask questions. Be sure to answer his questions in a calm and reassuring manner.  The more prepared for a storm that you are, the better your child will be when severe weather strikes.

• Safety Tips for Severe Weather & Tornadoes Have a plan before the storm sirens go off so that everyone knows what to do.
• Severe Weather Tips Facts versus myths are shared on this blog article, along with other tips.
• Residents in the Path of Severe Weather Urged to Include Pets in Disaster Plans In this post, the Humane Society reminds everyone to take their pet into the safe room too.
• Tornado Expert Explains What to Do When Severe Weather Strikes Listen to a weather expert explain what you should do in a severe weather situation.
• Safety Tips for Severe Weather Take a look at this list of supplies that you should include in your safety bag.
• Tornado Preparedness Tips from Ready.gov After a storm, check for gas leaks and loose power lines to make sure your home is safe to stay in.
• Dauphin County Commissioners Offer Safety Tips for National Severe Weather Preparedness WeekThis blog article recommends having an emergency kit and gives other ways to stay safe during and after the storm.

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Determining custody can be a difficult, technically challenging, and extremely emotional part of the divorce process.  This is especially true if the parents involved cannot agree, or if the case is particularly contentious.

It is helpful for parents to have a better grasp of the basics of custody and visitation so they can approach these issues with a clear understanding of the legal parameters, potential outcomes, and important considerations when attempting to reach an agreement with a co-parent or litigating a custody dispute.

What follows is a basic outline geared toward parents for that purpose.  Keep in mind that state laws vary and that this post is not intended as legal advice.  Before entering into any agreement, or becoming involved in litigation, you should consult with an attorney.

What does “custody” mean?

In our every-day use, custody refers to where a child resides.  While the legal system also uses the word custody to refer to the physical residence of a child, it may also refer to which of the parents has the legal right to make major decisions for the child’s welfare, health, and general well-being.  These decisions include significant choices for the child, such as religious upbringing, schooling, and major, non-emergency medical decisions.

What this means is that you may hear lawyers, judges and others in the legal system referring to “legal custody,” which is the decision-making authority, and “physical custody,” which is where the child resides.

How is physical custody determined?

Courts take into account many factors when reaching a decision about where a child should reside and what visitation arrangements should be made.  While these factors may vary from state to state and their individual importance will be decided on a case-by-case basis, the overriding concern of the court, and parents, is the best interests of the child or children in question.

It is also important to know that in many states, physical custody is divided into “sole,” or “primary” physical custody, meaning that one parent has the majority of time with the children; and “shared,” or “joint” physical custody, meaning that the parents share roughly equal time with the children.  These terms are also subject to interpretation and may carry with them important ramifications for other issues, such as child support, which are not discussed in this post.  Often, the physical custody determination in a given case will have a profound impact on the parties’ child support obligations.

Courts often look at the fitness of the parents when making their decision. This includes factors such as:

• their character and reputation;
• the desires of the parents and what previous agreements they have entered into;
• the potential to maintain familial relationships;
• the preferences of the children (particularly of those children who are older);
• material opportunities affecting the future of the children;
• the health, age and gender of the children;
• the geographical distance between the parents’ homes, and the opportunities for visitation with either parent;
• the length of any separation from one parent or the other; and
• any previous voluntary abandonment of the children by one parent or the other.

As mentioned, these factors will be given different weight in every case, and there are others which a given set of circumstances may require consideration.  In every case, whether decided by a judge, a mediator, or by the parties themselves, the chief concern will be the best interests of the children.

How is legal custody determined?

Like physical custody, legal custody is typically determined by balancing a host of factors.  Again, the overriding concern of parents, lawyers and judges will be the best interests of the children in question.

The concept of legal custody can be understood as being “joint” or “sole.”  In a joint legal custody arrangement, the parties are expected to communicate with one another and reach a mutually agreed upon decision regarding the major issues affecting their children’s health, welfare and well-being.  If one parent is awarded sole legal custody, that parent has the sole right to make those decisions for the children.

There may also be a hybrid arrangement of joint and sole custody, wherein one party is awarded tie-breaking authority. This would matter in the event that the parents cannot reach a decision jointly, after they have discussed a decision for the child but still do not agree.

Again, legal custody refers to the authority to make decisions on behalf of the child which pertain to significant life events, like where the child attends school, their religious training, and similar decisions, not day-to-day questions of parental authority.

Courts typically consider the following factors when determining legal custody:

• the capacity of the parents to communicate with one another;
• the willingness of the parents to share legal custody;
• the fitness of each parent;
• the children’s preference;
• the potential disruption to the social or school life of the children;
• proximity of the parent’s homes;
• the demands of each parent’s employment;
• the age and number of children;
• the sincerity of each parent’s request for legal custody;
• the financial status of each parent; and
• the impact on state or other assistance.

As with the physical custody factors, specific cases will call for individual evaluations of each of these, and potentially other, factors.

As you can see, many of the factors used to determine legal or physical custody overlap.  This is because these concepts, while separate, are often linked, both in the way we think of them and the way that a court, or the parents themselves, may reach a determination of where a child will reside and who will have decision-making authority.

For instance, if one parent is awarded primary physical custody, and therefore have the children residing with them for the majority of the time, it may be impractical to award the other parent sole legal custody, because those decisions regarding the child’s religious upbringing and schooling may potentially impact the child’s daily schedule and where he or she may need to be transported.

The best interests of the children

In every case, the focus of any determination of custody, physical or legal, is going to be what is best for the children involved.  Each of the considerations mentioned above, and others which may be important to any given set of circumstances, will always be examined through the lens of what will best serve the children.

While custody disputes are often emotionally trying cases, with an understanding of the considerations involved and keeping in mind that the children’s best interests will always be the paramount concern of the legal system, parents can work together or with their legal representatives for the best outcome for their children.

About the Author

Benjamin Marcoux is a family law attorney at Houlon Bergman, Finci, Levenstein, & Skok.

He specializes in civil litigation, collaborative law, wills, and probate and has been selected as a Super Lawyers Rising Star in both 2012 and 2013.

Connect with Benjamin Marcoux on Google+ or LinkedIn.

Having high self-esteem is something that everyone needs, but something that is not necessarily easy to come by. Children especially need help developing high self-esteem, because low self-esteem can manifest into problems such as depression, eating disorders and, in extreme cases, even suicide. As a parent, one of your many jobs relating to your child is to help build up your child’s self-esteem. It’s important to really listen to your child and value what he is saying. You also want to avoid criticizing or belittling your child, as this can lay the groundwork for low self-esteem. Teach by example; by showing your child that you have strong self-esteem you can pave the way for him to follow in your footsteps. These 20 blog articles will give you the tools you need to help improve your child’s self-esteem.

Techniques

Showing pride in your child’s accomplishments will help him feel pride in himself. Listen and respect your child when he’s talking to you, just as you would want him to respect you when you are talking. Empower your child by giving him choices and letting him run with whatever he chooses.  These five blog posts will explain different techniques that can help you improve your child’s self-esteem.

• How to Improve a Child’s Self-Esteem You’ll find advice and suggestions on how to help improve your child’s self-esteem in this post.
• Self-Esteem in Children: Are You Damaging Your Children’s Self-Esteem? Ask yourself the questions posed in this blog post to see if you need to make a change in your behavior.
• How to Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem Follow this list of techniques to help your child improve how he sees himself.
• Stop and Listen to Children Show your child respect and he will respect himself.
• How Parents Can Improve Their Child’s Self-Esteem? Praise your child and make sure you give him choices so that he feels empowered.

ADHD

When a child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) he may feel like there is something wrong with him when he compares himself to his peers.  As a parent, it’s important that you help your child see his ADHD in a positive way. This is another opportunity to lead by example. Learn more about how to improve the self-esteem of children with ADHD through these five posts.

• Enhancing Self-Esteem of Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder It’s not unusual for a child with ADHD to compare himself to his classmates. These comparisons can make him feel poorly, so it’s important to learn what you can do to change those feelings.
• Best Sports for Kids with ADHD Excelling in sports can improve your child’s self-esteem, as noted in this post.
• Kids and ADHD Often kids with ADHD feel that they are broken; the important task for the parent is to turn ADHD into a strength instead of a defect.
• 10 Ways Pets Improve Your Health Taking care of a pet will help a child with ADHD to be more responsible, and the love of the pet will improve his self-esteem.
• Your Brain is a Ferrari Help your child understand that his brain is a gift. When he understands that, he will be better able to work with it, allowing him to go much farther in life.

Social Skills

Children with low self-esteem often isolate themselves, which makes the situation worse. Because of this, it’s important that you help your child improve his social skills and make some friends.  Having friends will give him a better outlook on life, which will help his self-esteem improve. For more tips like these, look at these five blog posts.

• Improving a Child’s Social Skills Teaching your child how to make and keep friends will help improve self-esteem.
• Self-Esteem and Social Competence of the Adopted Child The relationship a child has with his father and his mother are important for different social reasons.
• Getting Sporty By getting involved in sports, your child will learn social skills. This can, in turn, help improve his self-esteem.
• 10 Reasons to Add a Pet to the Family this Summer There are many benefits that stem from taking care of a pet, which can help your child improve his self-esteem.
• Is My Child in Danger of Becoming a Bully Bullies often have a low self-esteem; you’ll want to watch for the warning signs outlined in this post to make sure that your child isn’t a potential bully.

Teenagers

The teenage years are formative years that can be very difficult for teenagers to navigate through. Teens are often unkind to each other, and your self-esteem can suffer when you are the one being ignored or talked.  As a parent, it’s important that you keep the lines of communication open with your teen. Try not to judge when your teen tells you what is going on with her.  Take a look at these five blog articles to read more about what you can do to help improve your teenager’s self-esteem.

• Four Helpful Thoughts for Kids & Teens to Build Self-Esteem By teaching your child to reframe negative self-talk, their self-esteem should improve.
• Improve Self-Esteem in Teenagers Sometimes self-esteem can be improved simply by spending more time with your teenager.
• Self-Esteem Building for Teens: Summer Activities Staying active and taking part in certain activities can help improve your teen’s self-esteem.
• Improving Your Teenager’s Self-Esteem With all of the changes that occur during the teenager years, it can be a difficult time to navigate through. Learning to deal with these changes can help with self-esteem.
• Improving Your Child’s Self-Esteem Through Exercise Regular exercise can improve self-image, which can go a long way to improving self-esteem.

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