Co-parenting is like building a bridge together—until one parent begins to dismantle it, brick by brick, with lies that twist a child’s reality. Gaslighting, a subtle but corrosive form of manipulation, doesn’t just strain co-parenting dynamics; it quietly erodes a child’s mental foundation, warping their self-trust and clouding their future. The damage isn’t always loud—it’s a silent storm that chips away at their confidence, leaving scars that can linger for years. But how do you spot these invisible wounds? How do you shield your child when the threat wears a familiar face?
In this article, we’ll equip you with the knowledge to identify if your child is being gaslighted by their other parent, and more importantly, how to wisely navigate this treacherous territory to ungaslight your child. Together, we’ll learn not only to protect their reality but to help them reclaim it. Let’s begin.
What ‘Gaslighting’ Looks Like in Co-Parenting
Gaslighting is when someone makes another person doubt their own thoughts, feelings, or memories. It’s more than just lying—it’s a way to control someone emotionally.
In co-parenting, gaslighting might look like:
- Denying past conversations or agreements
- Telling the child they’re “too sensitive” when they’re upset
- Blaming the child for things that aren’t their fault
- Saying things like, “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things”
Your child might start questioning their own experiences or feeling like they’re “the problem.” These words are confusing and hurtful—especially for kids who are still learning how the world works.
Is Your Child Being Gaslighted? Signs that indicate Your Child Might Be Dealing with Gaslighting
It’s not always easy to spot gaslighting, because it’s meant to confuse. But over time, you might see certain changes in your child’s behavior and feelings.
Watch for These Behavior Signs:
- Low confidence or can’t make small choices easily.
- Always needing others to tell them they’re doing okay.
- Staying away from friends or being alone a lot.
- Acting extra careful or nervous around the gaslighting parent.
- Saying “I’m sorry” often for things that aren’t their fault.
- Seeming angry or distant for no clear reason.
Emotionally, Your Child Might Seem:
- Always worried, sad, or just flat (no feelings).
- Confused after visiting the other parent.
- Unsure of what’s real and what’s not.
- Struggling with how they feel about themselves.
- Easily overwhelmed by simple feelings.
In Their Words, You Might Hear:
- “Did that really happen?”
- “Am I making things up?”
- Repeating strange or mean phrases that aren’t like them.
- Avoiding honest talks because they’re afraid of causing trouble.
Younger kids may act out, while older kids may show anxiety, depression, or mood swings.
Keep in mind, Sometimes – gaslighting is mixed with parental alienation—when one parent tries to turn the child against the other. If your child suddenly says negative things about you that don’t sound like them, this could be a warning sign.
How to Help & Protect Your Child from a Co-Parent’s Gaslighting
Helping your child overcome gaslighting—ungaslighting them—takes patience, love, and strategy. Here’s how you can be their rock:
Be Their Safe Space
If your co-parent is gaslighting your child, it’s important to be a safe and supportive space for them. Start by really listening without judging. Let them know you believe them and that their feelings matter. Say things like, “I believe you,” or “What you feel is important.” If they seem confused, don’t blame the other parent—instead, use calm, neutral words like, “Sometimes people see things differently.”
Help your child trust their own thoughts. You can ask questions like, “What do you think happened?” or encourage them to write down their thoughts to stay grounded in their truth. Keep track of any worrying behavior from the other parent, and consider getting a therapist to help both of you deal with it in a healthy way.
At home, keep things steady and calm. Show your child how to handle conflict in a peaceful way.
Help Them Find the Truth
Kids need help sorting out what’s real. You can start with a simple game with your child called “What’s True?” You’d talk about something obvious, like the color of the sky, to build their confidence in their own perceptions. As they got older, you should gently explain that people can see things differently, but their thoughts matter. Share positive family memories to counter false stories, and encourage them to question what they hear. This builds their critical thinking, making them less vulnerable to manipulation.
Create Open Communication
Make your home a safe haven, especially after they’ve been with the gaslighting parent. You can set up a cozy routine—to help your child unwind. Ask open-ended questions like, “Anything you want to share?” instead of grilling them. Model healthy communication by admitting your own mistakes or apologizing when needed. This shows them it’s okay to be human and builds trust.
Rebuild Their Confidence
Gaslighting chips away at self-esteem, so celebrate your child’s strengths. Encourage activities they love, whether it’s drawing or soccer, and praise their efforts. You may notice your child lit up when you cheer their small wins, like finishing a tricky puzzle. You should help them practice positive self-talk and guide them to trust their own decisions, starting small and building up.
Teach Them to Spot Manipulation
In simple ways that fit their age, teach your child that sometimes people try to confuse others on purpose. Help them recognize warning signs like “You’re just imagining things” or “You’re the problem.” Encourage them to speak up or say, “I need a minute” if they feel uncomfortable. Giving them small choices helps them feel more in control.
Also, giving your child small choices, like picking between two snacks or choosing their outfit, helps them feel more in control of their world. These little moments build confidence—and help them trust their own judgment when it really counts.
Get Professional Help
You don’t have to do this alone. You can take help from a child therapist. A child therapist can help your child process their feelings and rebuild confidence. Family counseling can guide you in setting boundaries. If legal issues arise, like custody disputes, a lawyer familiar with gaslighting can be a lifesaver.
What to Avoid
When you’re sharing parenting duties with someone who tries to manipulate you, it’s really important to keep your child’s well-being front and center. Even if you mean well, some things you do can actually make it tougher for your child. For instance, talking bad about the other parent—even if it’s true—can make your child feel stuck between two people they love. Instead, focus on what your child is feeling and what they need, not on your co-parent’s faults.
It’s also important to let your child share things when they’re ready. Asking too many questions about their time with the other parent might feel like pressure, and they could just clam up. Don’t make excuses for bad behavior either. Saying things like, “They’re just stressed,” might send the wrong message and make your child think emotional abuse is normal. A better way is to listen, let them know their feelings are valid, and tell them it’s okay to speak up.
Lastly, try not to get into arguments with the manipulative parent. Fighting back usually just makes things more tense. Keep things calm and professional, and use co-parenting apps to keep a record of your communication. And never ask your child to confront the manipulative parent—this can lead to even more stress or harm. Instead, be their protector and their safe space. Your steady support gives them the emotional security they need.
A Final Word of Hope
Dealing with a gaslighting co-parent is one of the hardest parts of raising a child. But with love, patience, and support, your child can heal. Every kind word, every moment of listening, and every effort to protect their truth makes a difference.
No matter how hard it feels now, your love is building a stronger, healthier future for your child. And that’s what matters most.