What if the person who once vowed to love you forever is now the one keeping you up at night?
Co-parenting with an ex who blurs boundaries—dancing on a highwire between texts that sting and tantrums that erupt—can leave you torn: Do I protect my peace or shield my children? But what if you could rewrite the script, reclaiming your power without adding fuel to the fire?
Before unraveling the “how,” let’s pull back the curtain on the quiet chaos of harassment in co-parenting.
What Does Harassment Look Like?
Harassment in co-parenting isn’t just arguing. It’s behavior that makes you feel anxious, unsafe, or upset. It can show up in many ways like:
- Verbal attacks: Name-calling, threats, or constant belittling messages.
- Physical intimidation: Showing up uninvited or acting aggressively.
- Financial abuse: Withholding child support or messing with your money.
- Cyber harassment: Bombarding you with texts, calls, or social media messages.
A 2023 survey showed 90% of domestic violence survivors face this kind of abuse even after splitting up. That means the time right after a breakup can be the hardest, with abusers finding new ways to stay in control—like dragging you into court over small things issues or using custody fights to pressure you. Knowing this sets the stage for taking action. So, why is your ex acting this way?
Step 1: Understand Why Your Ex Won’t Stop
Before you take action, it helps to understand why the harassment is happening. Most of the time, it’s not about love or even anger—it’s about control.
Here are some of the most common reasons:
They Hate Losing Control
Some exes can’t handle the breakup. Instead of moving on, they try to punish you by:
- Refusing to pay child support
- Causing money problems
- Starting pointless legal battles
They want to feel like they’re “winning,” even if it hurts the kids.
Narcissistic or Abusive Traits
If your ex has narcissistic or antisocial traits, they may feel “rejected” and lash out by:
- Guilt-tripping or threatening you
- Using the legal system to keep you tied to them
Some even lie in court to make you look bad.
Using the Kids as a Weapon
Toxic exes often involve the children, trying to:
- Turn them against you
- Blame you for problems
- Claim you are manipulating the kids
This is a painful and common tactic.
Attacking Your Mental Health
If you’ve been anxious, depressed, or traumatized (understandably!), they may try to use that against you in court—calling you “unstable.” Some judges wrongly see this as a “high-conflict” situation instead of abuse.
Once you see the “why” behind their actions, you can plan your response without getting caught up in emotions. This leads you to the next step: how you act and how fast to protect yourself.
Step 2: Take Immediate Actions when you identify you ex intentionally harassing you continuously And Protect Yourself
Once you recognize the harassment, don’t wait—take action immediately. Your safety and your peace of mind matter.
The first thing you should do is start keeping records and start documentation.
It is very important because keeping a record of every harassing incident is like building a shield. It gives you proof, shows patterns, and is gold in court—whether you’re changing custody or seeking protection. Plus, writing things down helps you feel more in control and less overwhelmed. Start early, even if you’re not ready for legal action, because abuse often starts small and grows
What to Document and How
| Type of Harassment | What to Write Down | Where to Store (Secure, Private Location) |
| Communication | Dates, times, content (exact quotes), sender/recipient, channel (email, text, app, social media). Screenshots of digital messages (ensure sender, recipient, date, time are visible). For verbal conversations, immediately log date, time, context, topic, who said what, and outcome. Note unique words/phrases. Remember, anything said or written can be used as evidence; avoid disparaging the other parent. | Dedicated email, password-protected online journal, backup drive, physical binder. |
| Incidents | Dates, times, locations, detailed descriptions of what occurred. Any physical violence, injuries (with photos if possible), or damage caused by the harassing parent. Names and contact information (if possible) of any witnesses. | Detailed journal or calendar. |
| Police Involvement | Report numbers, officer names, dates of reports, outcomes. | Secure physical or digital file. |
| Medical/Psychological Impact | Dates of appointments, diagnoses, treatment plans, therapist notes, prescriptions, doctor’s statements linking health issues to harassment. | Secure medical records file. |
| Financial Abuse | Bank statements, records of cancelled credit cards, withheld child support records. | Secure financial records file. |
| Parenting Time Interference | Dates of missed visits, late returns, refusals, specific violations of court orders. | Parenting journal or co-parenting app. |
Keep in mind – with solid documentation, you’re ready to set boundaries and limit how your ex can reach you. That’s the next piece of the puzzle.
Step 3: Limit Communication with a Harassing Ex & Keep the Peace
If your ex is harassing you, you need to control how you communicate. Setting clear boundaries protects your mental health, cuts down on drama, and keeps a record of every interaction. This is called “gatekeeping,” and it’s a game-changer. Here’s how to do it.
You should use 2houses Co-Parenting Apps.
It helps you manage communication while keeping you protected from harassment. Here’s why it works:
- Save every message with a time stamp.
- Don’t let anyone edit or delete texts.
- Track schedules, expenses, and custody exchanges.
When your ex knows everything’s recorded, they’re more likely to behave. If they don’t, you’ve got proof for court. If apps aren’t an option, use email. It’s trackable, gives you time to respond calmly, and keeps things focused on the kids. Stick to short, polite messages and avoid blame.
Avoid Calls and Texts
Phone calls and casual texts can turn into fights fast and leave no clear record. Unless it’s an emergency, skip them. Constant calls also disrupt your home and your kids’ calm. Block your ex on social media or personal phones if they’re crossing lines, and keep all communication through your 2houses coparenting app or email.
Try the Gray Rock Method
This trick is simple but powerful: be boring. Don’t react to their drama. Respond with short, neutral answers like “Okay” or “Thanks for the info.” Don’t argue, explain, or get emotional. By staying “gray” like a rock, you give them nothing to feed on, and they often lose interest. This method ties into setting firm boundaries, which we’ll cover next.
Step 4: Establishing Clear, Firm Boundaries (and Adhering to Them)
Boundaries aren’t about being cold—they’re about creating a safe, drama-free space for you and your kids. Clear rules about how you communicate and what you share make co-parenting smoother. Here’s how to set them up.
Decide How You’ll Talk
Pick one way to communicate, like a co-parenting app or email, and stick to it. Set specific times you’ll respond, like weekdays from 9 AM to 5 PM, unless it’s urgent. This stops constant interruptions and helps you stay calm. If your ex pushes back, hold firm.
Keep It About the Kids
Only share what’s needed: school updates, doctor visits, or custody plans. Skip personal stuff, old fights, or feelings. Think of it like giving a report—stick to the facts. This keeps things clear and avoids emotional traps.
Communicate Like a Pro
Treat your ex like a coworker. Be brief, polite, and kid-focused. Use the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. For example, say, “I noticed Emma was tired after school,” not “You never put her to bed on time.” Avoid blame, and listen to their points even if you disagree.
These boundaries create a foundation for peace, but sometimes you need extra help. That’s where the final step comes in.
Step 5: Get Support When You Need It
If harassment continues, please don’t try to handle it all by yourself. Reaching out for support is crucial to keep both you and your kids safe. You have options: consider talking to a therapist or coach to help you manage stress and improve your communication skills.
If things escalate, definitely seek legal help—a lawyer can advise you on protective orders or custody changes, and remember, your detailed documentation will be incredibly important here. You can also find immense strength and shared wisdom in support groups, connecting with others who truly understand what you’re going through.