Author: Alexandra

Facing a divorce can be challenging enough. Anger, rejection, fear, disappointment, and failure are all normal feelings of someone facing divorce. If you are lucky, you have mutually agreed upon divorce, there are fewer emotions to struggle with as you go through the process. 

Adding to the emotions of divorce is how to care for your children. Who will have custody? Will there be an amicable joint custody agreement possible? You worry about not seeing your kids on a daily basis and worse yet, being away from them on some holidays. 

Finding a custody arrangement that can work for both parents and especially the kids is tricky and complicated by the many emotions of a divorce. Most parents want to find a way to co-parent and do what’s best for their kids as they navigate a different way of life. 

Which type of custody will work best for you and your kids? Read on to learn about the different types of custody arrangements and how custody is decided. 

Types of Custody

Aside from dissolving a marriage when divorcing, people with children must also come up with a plan for custody of their children. There are a variety of considerations with custody and ways to set it up. Ultimately, parents should have the goal to co-parent together for the benefit of their kids.

Custody factors in many considerations. These include:

• Who makes legal decisions for the child?
• Where does the child physically live?
• Who else is legally allowed to see a child?
• How will holidays be divided for each parent?
• Are there reasons a parent should be prevented from seeing a child? 

While emotions can be hard to navigate, ultimately, what type of custody arrangement should be in the best interest of the child and be workable for the parents of the child. 

Let’s take a closer look at the types of custody arrangements. 

Legal Custody

Physical custody (more on that later) and legal custody are two different considerations when deciding on custody. Legal custody in simple terms means the parent or parents have the right to make legal and long term decisions for the child. 

While sometimes a parent might have physical custody, often parents share legal custody. Legal custody allows parents to make decisions regarding:

• A child’s education
• Medical care
• Dental care
• Religious instruction

In typical terms, legal custody is usually joint. When a parent demonstrates a reason for the courts to be concerned, they may opt to only grant legal custody to one parent.

A parent who has a drug abuse problem, is violent or is accused of domestic abuse, for example, might not be granted legal custody.

Sole Legal Custody

Remember, legal custody allows a parent or parents to make decisions on behalf of their children. In the case of sole legal custody, a singular parent would be making the legal decisions for the children.  In this case, one parent, for any number of reasons, has been excluded from being involved in the decision making. 

It should be noted that even if one parent has more physical custody time, courts want parents as much as possible to share the legal custody. This requires them to make decisions together on behalf of their kids. 

When a parent is awarded sole legal custody, that parent may not need to take into consideration the opinion or wishes of the other parent.

Joint Legal Custody

Joint legal custody is the most common type of legal custody. In this arrangement, no matter the physical custody arrangement, both parents have equal rights to make legal and long term decisions for their children. 

Often forms of joint legal custody require parents to agree or to make decisions together regarding their children. Even if the child spends more physical time with one parent over another, if there’s joint legal custody, parents would have equal say in decision making for the child. 

Physical Custody

Unlike legal custody, physical custody has to do with where the child lives physically. Who does the child spend the most time with? Which parent’s home does the child live in the most? 

Physical custody explains where the child will live. There are a whole host of ways physical custody can be arranged. Ultimately, arranging physical custody is important for the kids and helping them to maintain their life as normally as possible. 

It can also be challenging for parents to agree on physical custody as it means where the child lives and how much time one parent must be away from them.  

For some parents, they agree easily and do what will work for them and their kids. The kids moving from mom’s house to dad’s house becomes a way of life. For other parents, the child spends more time with one parent and visits with the other parent. 

Courts will look to make amicable arrangements for physical custody often with the goal to be that children get time with both parents.

Let’s take a closer look at some types of physical custody arrangements.

Sole Physical Custody

When a court awards sole physical custody to one parent, it means the child lives with that parent. It does not necessarily mean the other parent does not see or have time with the child. Sole physical custody means the child lives in one household instead of dividing their time between two homes. 

In some sole custody scenarios, the non-custodial parent will not have visitation rights. In this case, the judge has made the decision, likely for the safety of the child, that the other parent doesn’t have rights to see the child. Something pretty significant has happened to bring on this kind of decision by the courts. 

Often, however, the non-custodial parent might not have custody but instead, they have visitation. More on visitation later).  This parent might be allowed one evening a week to spend with the child. Sometimes the visitation will extend to weekends or alternating weekends too. 

Joint Physical Custody

As already explained, physical custody has to do with where the child lives. So, in a joint physical custody scenario, the child lives with both parents. However, it is arranged, the child splits their time between the two parents’ homes. 

There are a variety of ways joint physical custody can be set up. In some cases, the child spends one week with one parent and then the next week the other parent. Some families choose to arrange two weeks at a time. In other cases, a family might have set up a 2-2-3 arrangement where they alternate between the houses for those days. 

The more often the child moves back and forth between houses, the more unsettling it can be for them. Either they must get good at packing and hauling their things between houses. Or they have duplicate items at each parent’s home.  

Bird’s Nest Custody

Bird’s nest custody is an interesting approach to custody. Instead of the child moving from home to home, the child stays put in one home. The different parents rotate in and out of the home when it’s their turn for custody. 

While this is fantastic for the kids and doesn’t require them to move around, it requires some real selfless actions by the parents. Parents must be willing to create and maintain a residence that the children use. Then they also need an alternate place to go when it isn’t their turn for custody.

Visitation

Visitation is set up when there is a non-custodial parent or another adult who needs or wants time with the child but the child doesn’t live with them. 

Visitation is set up with an official schedule, so parents know when and for how long a child will be the other person. 

There are several different types of visitation. Let’s take a closer look at these. 

Unsupervised Visitation

Unsupervised visitation means the non-custodial parent has the right to spend time with the child alone. This is scheduled time and they are typically allowed to take them from their custodial home so they can spend time with them. This time could be for an evening or a weekend, for example. 

Unsupervised visitation is the most common type of visitation. Occasionally, the supervision doesn’t need to be supervised, yet there will still be some restrictions. For example, if the child is a baby and still breastfeeding from the mother. The visit might be required to happen in the home where the baby lives, so the mother who has custody can still feed the baby during the scheduled visit as needed.  

Supervised Visitation

Supervised visitation is a little more restrictive than unsupervised visitation. This means the non-custodial parent can see the child but another adult who is trusted must also be present. The supervision might be offered by a grandparent or a family friend who is believed to be trustworthy to monitor the visit. 

In some cases, the supervised visit means the child can leave the home with the non-custodial parent and the agreed-upon supervisor.

In other cases, the visit must happen at a court-appointed location. If there are reasons to question whether the parent is safe or trustworthy, sometimes supervised visitation is done in the presence of a court-appointed social worker or another court-appointed designee can monitor the visit. 

Virtual Visitation

Even before COVID-19 made virtual get-togethers something people did, virtual visitation was a part of some custody agreements. This type of visitation might happen if one of the parents is not available to get together in person. It might also happen if the parent is not allowed to visit with the child in-person. 

Obviously, virtual visitation is a little more challenging with a younger child who might not have the attention span for a screen. 

This type of visitation can be scheduled like in-person visitation is scheduled. If the non-custodial parent lives far away from the child or maybe even travels for their job, the virtual visitation is a way for them to see and still spend some time together. 

Grandparents or Third Party Visitation

There are situations where a court might grant custody to a party that is not a parent. Often in this situation, the visitation is granted to a grandparent, a step-parent, another close relative, or even a foster parent. 

States will vary on their stance to this type of visitation. Some states are quite restrictive and keep visitation to parents only.  While other states recognize there may be situations where one of these other adults is very important in the child’s life and continuing to see them is best for the child. 

This kind of visitation will be situational. A court will need to consider the child’s best interests, the motivation of those requesting visitation, and parental involvement too. 

Custody Decisions

Custody decisions can be weighty and challenging. When you add in the emotions of a divorce, for some coming to an agreement about custody can’t be done without their party involvement. 

In the end, a court would much prefer two parents to sit down and work out a custody agreement that they can both live with and abide by. It saves money for the parents to do this and helps to facilitate the beginning of years and years of the co-parenting relationship. 

Sometimes, emotions get in the way, and parents are not able to do this without some assistance. Sometimes, attorneys can negotiate on behalf of the respective parents. Other times the court needs to bring in mediators to help facilitate the custody agreement. 

If parents can’t reach an agreement, the court and judge will make the decision. Parents are much better off working together to get to this decision. Once a judge makes the decision, then they must live with it. It will almost always be in the best interest of the child for the parents to work together on an agreement. 

Legal, Physical and Joint Custody Agreement

Deciding as parents to a joint custody agreement that allows the child to have time with both parents is often what’s best for the child. Divorce can be hard on kids and finding a solution that is amicable should be the goal. It means parents have to keep the goal of co-parenting in a positive and open-minded way at the forefront of their custody conversations. 

If you need help working together for the best interest of your child, we can help. Contact us today about our communication services so you can do what’s best for your child.

From Kramer vs. Kramer to Marriage Story, you’re likely familiar with films about contested family breakups. As these movies artfully point out, everybody loses in a messy divorce with children. 

Not only does the average contested divorce cost $15,000 or more per individual, but it can also take between four months and a year. The lost time, emotional distress, and pain of this process can feel overwhelming for adults.

It can also devastate children, leaving them feeling guilty, confused, anxious, and heartbroken. A contested divorce can also prolong a child’s adjustment to the changes taking place in their life. 

Although not always possible, an uncontested divorce remains a much better solution for former spouses and their children. Keep reading for a full examination of why a peaceful split is easier for kids.

The Cost of Divorce

A divorce can be a costly event, especially if you and your former spouse can’t agree on how your separation should proceed. After all, divorce is technically a lawsuit where one spouse sues the other.

Not only will it cost you and your ex tens of thousands of dollars, but if a trial is required? You and your kids could get stuck in divorce limbo for 12 months or longer. Anxiety, fear, and worry can quickly mount.

What are some of the factors affecting the average cost of a divorce? They include:

• Whether the divorce is contested or uncontested
• Mediation
• Alimony
• Child custody
• Child evaluation
• Hourly rates for lawyers (as opposed to a retainer fee)
• Where the divorce gets filed (e.g., local filing fees)

As you can see, number one on this list remains whether the divorce is contested or uncontested.

Contested vs. Uncontested Divorce

What if you and your former spouse can come to a mutual agreement about most, if not all, things? Then, you could end up with $14,500 in savings per person.

In other words, an uncontested divorce can cost as little as $500 if you file the paperwork yourself. If you opt for a lawyer, you may never have to set foot in a courthouse. You’ll significantly shorten the amount of time it takes to receive a divorce, too.

Instead of fighting it out in court, use this saved time and money wisely. Establish a new life and provide for your children, emotionally and financially. Divorce can make kids feel as if their lives have gotten wholly uprooted.

Quickly establishing a new routine and a sense of normalcy will help them get used to these changes. It will also ensure a happier childhood with fewer long-term consequences. 

What are some more ways to establish a “new” normal? Start by creating a custody calendar for co-parenting.

Emotional Benefits of an Amicable Breakup

Divorce is never easy. Adding children to the mix only makes a tough situation harder. Research shows there are two main ways that divorce can hurt kids:

1. The painful split itself
2. The loss of resources

An uncontested divorce can help mitigate both areas of harm. How? By keeping communications between former spouses constructive and healthy and by avoiding strained resources.

You and your ex should work hard to maintain a respectful, supportive relationship that focuses on your children. When parents do this, children benefit in countless ways.

An uncontested divorce will save you and your family plenty of heartache. It will also put both you and your co-parent in better financial positions to take care of your children.

What if you can come to an amicable understanding of the division of assets? What if you can calmly discuss child custody and support? Then, an uncontested divorce may prove your best option.

It will allow everyone to move on. All parties involved will be able to place their focus and energy on new routines. They’ll also have more time, money, and emotional resources to invest in their children.

Investing in Your Children’s Future

Besides lawyer’s fees and filing fees, divorce proceedings can also come with many other expenses that are easy to overlook. For example, there will be:

• Transportation costs
• Lost time at work
• Baby-sitting costs
• And more

By avoiding these added expenses, you’ll have more money available to invest in your children’s futures. In the process, you’ll also spare your children the anger, pain, and uncertainty associated with contested divorces.

Finally, you’ll provide an excellent role model. What do I mean? For starters, your children will see first hand how two mature adults can handle a difficult situation.

Situations Where an Uncontested Divorce with Children Won’t Work

What if you and your ex can’t agree on major issues such as custody and child support? Then, a contested divorce may be in order. A few other situations may warrant a contested divorce, too.

They include relationships where domestic violence is a factor. If you are the victim of domestic violence, seek the advice of an attorney right away. Don’t attempt to negotiate with an individual who has proven that they are capable of violence.

If you fear that your ex is abusing your children, this scenario also may call for a contested divorce. Depending on the circumstances surrounding your case, your children may even need to take the witness stand.

This type of situation can prove devastating for children on multiple levels. They often are made to feel as if they’re picking sides.

What’s more, they may feel emotions like guilt, frustration, and anger. Where a child’s safety is compromised, however, these dangers must be addressed. 

Apart from extreme situations like these, parents should maintain a mature outlook. They should also attempt to work towards an amicable resolution. 

Divorcing with Children

Divorce often makes kids feel as if their whole world has been turned upside down. No matter their ages, the experience can prove traumatic. Yet, staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the children can leave even deeper scars.

How can you help your children through this challenging time? Above all else, kids need to know that you’ll both stay involved in their lives. 

How an Amicable Breakup Can Help

After all, kids want to love both of their parents and enjoy the time that they have with them. An uncontested divorce can help you provide this support to your children. 

Kids also want the fighting to stop. They want to see their parents get along.

They long for their parents to communicate directly with one another and not involve them. For example, passing messages back and forth through children can lead to serious stress. 

Children also want their parents to say only kind things about one another. Otherwise, they may feel compelled to take sides. 

Here are four tips to help you and your ex communicate effectively with one another during an amicable divorce.

Things to Consider During a Divorce with Children Involved

Remember, too, that many children blame themselves when a divorce happens. They may experience feelings of guilt and worry. Fortunately, by opting for an uncontested divorce, you can dramatically reduce your children’s pain.

If your situation warrants an uncontested divorce, do it. It will minimize the tension and turmoil that court proceedings create. Maintaining a working relationship with your ex can help kids experience less anguish and stress overall. 

Few things harm children more than seeing their parents in conflict. (That’s why staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage can lead to more harm than good.)

During a breakup, it’s up to you and your ex to make your kids feel loved, valued, and safe. It’s also up to you both to practice good communication skills. Here are some more tips that can make the process of divorce with children go easier for everyone. 

The Value of an Uncontested Divorce with Children

When parents go through a contested divorce, it can lead to severe financial strain. There’s also the potential for extended emotional turmoil.

Court proceedings take precedent over everything else. Children often feel as if they get lost in the mix.

Through an uncontested divorce, you can make your children the top priority (instead of lawyers and judged). An amicable divorce also allows you to present a united front and show restraint by being respectful of your ex.

An uncontested divorce allows your family to adjust to a new normal. Instead of spending countless months dealing with the uncertainty and worry associated with divorce limbo.

It allows you and your ex to make critical family decisions rather than putting them in the hands of lawyers and a family court judge. Contested divorce also permits you to keep a routine, which makes kids feel safer and more secure. 

Getting a Divorce with Kids

Do you feel overwhelmed by the thought of divorce with children? Are you wondering where to start when it comes to creating a custody schedule, agreeing on child support, and more? First of all, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone.

Many other co-parents have already successfully navigated an amicable uncoupling. And they’ve done so to the benefit of their children.

The first step in the process? Developing a parenting plan that works for you and your ex.

How do you craft a document like this? Check out these criteria to help you get started on the road to an uncontested divorce with kids. 

If you’ve recently separated or gotten divorced from your partner, and you have kids together, then you may be discussing custody plans.

For example, there’s the 2-2-3 schedule. This is a commonly agreed-upon custody schedule, as it keeps things pretty fair. Because of this, it may be ideal for you and your ex to adopt this schedule.

However, there are other alternatives out there, which may be better suited to you and your ex-partner’s lifestyles. But how can you know if they are if you aren’t aware of what your options are?

If you’re trying to figure out a co-parenting schedule with your ex, then keep reading. We’ll discuss the 2-2-3 schedule and other alternatives you can use for better co-parenting.

To help you manage the custody plan, you can always get a custody scheduling app. They’ll usually have a 2-2-3 schedule template.

This makes it very easy to keep track of who the kids should be with and when. You’ll be able to plan and see future events. If there’s a need to rearrange the schedule, you’ll be able to do so ahead of time.

What Is a 2-2-3 Schedule?

As you may have noticed, 2-2-3 adds up to 7; this is a custody plan based on a weekly schedule. It’s also known as the “every weekend” schedule.

One parent gets the children for 2 days. Then, they swap to the next parent to the next 2 days, and then the first parent gets the kids for a long weekend. The next week, it starts with the other parent, and they end up getting the kids for the long weekend.

This makes it fair for both parents, as in the end, they get an equal amount of time with their children.

Who Is the 2-2-3 Schedule Good For?

The 2-2-3 parenting plan involves the kids moving around often. Because of this, it’s great for parents who live close to one another.

On the other hand, it’s still good for parents who live far apart. There’s a long weekend that’s built into this plan. This allows for both parents to get some quality time with their kids, without losing part of their allotted time to work.

However, the 2-2-3 schedule does come with its caveats.

For example, the kids are moving between two houses so often. So you’ll need to get very good at packing (as does your ex).

Or you’ll need to have 2 sets of everything, split between the 2 houses. That way, your children will have they want, regardless of which parent they’re with for the few days.

The 2-2-3 schedule may also be hard on your older kids, especially if they have a busy schedule with lots of extracurricular activities. For example, if they have band practice every Tuesday and Thursday, they’ll be at a different parent’s house each week, and on each day. This can prove to be difficult for them, especially if they have to travel quite a distance from a parent’s house to practice.

Alternatives to the 2-2-3 Custody Schedule

The 2-2-3 custody schedule may not be ideal for all parents. In that case, you’ll want to look into other co-parenting options to make a 50/50 custody agreement work. Here are some popular ones.

Alternating Weeks

With this schedule, each parent gets the kids for an entire week, which can provide more stability for them. Instead of switching houses every 2 or 3 days, they get to double or triple the time with each parent. This can be easier for busy parents, as it means there will be fewer handoffs.

However, this also means that each parent will have to go without seeing their children for 7 days at a time. For many, this is too long. Co-parents will work out slight variations to alternating weeks so no one is left missing their kids for too long.

For example, many parents will allow for an overnight visit to the other parent in the middle of the week. This means their ex-partners won’t miss their kids too much. Plus, they also get some temporary respite for a short period of time.

While this variation in alternating weeks can be referred to as the 4-1-2 rotating schedule, you won’t see many people refer to it as such. For the most part, people just call it alternating weeks with an overnight visit.

3-4-4-3 Schedule

If you want to keep to a 50/50 custody schedule but handoffs for 2-2-3 are too much, then consider a 3-4-4-3 schedule. Instead of 3 handoffs a week, it’ll go down to just 2. It may not seem like a huge difference, but you’ll definitely feel less stress when you cut out that one extra handoff.

In this schedule, you keep the kids for 3 days, then your ex keeps them for 4. At the end of the week, they hand off the children back to you, and this time, you get to keep them for 4 days. After those 4 days, your ex-partner gets them back, but for 3 days.

This schedule allows both you and your ex to keep the kids for longer than a 2-2-3 schedule. But it won’t be as long as the alternating week schedule. This makes it an ideal medium between these two custody plans.

2 Weeks Each

If your kids are very busy with extracurriculars, then 2-week schedules may be best for them. This is also good for children who don’t like change.

Considering there are only 2 handoffs a month, this might be less stressful for them to go through. They get to stay at a house for longer each time.

This is a very good custody plan to consider if both parents have high-pressure and busy careers. They may not have the time to dedicate to frequent handoffs.

However, they wish to have a longer period together with the kids. This can be especially true if some days go by spent mostly at the office.

Monthly

This is a pretty extreme 50/50 custody schedule, but it does happen for some parents. This may be something to consider if a parent frequently has business trips that take them away for long periods of time.

If this is the case, then it may not always be feasible to do 1 month on and 1 month off. Instead, you’ll have to see when future business trips are and then schedule co-parenting around that.

For example, let’s say your ex knows they’ll have to go to jet off to Europe in 2 months. You can already pencil in that time to be yours. Then, depending on when your ex has had the children, you can make up for their lost time after they get back.

Depending on your personal situation, the monthly 50/50 custody plan may not always be consistent. But it may just be what accommodates you, your ex, and your children the best.

Consider Nesting for Your Custody Plan

Nesting may seem like a strange concept, but it does work for exes who are on good terms. Nesting can provide a stable environment for children, especially after a separation or divorce.

What is nesting exactly? This is where you keep the main residence as the residence for the kids.

Then, each parent takes turns living with the kids in that main residence, while the other parent goes to live in another property. This can be a shared rented apartment.

In this type of custody plan, the children get a stable environment, which is what every parent hopes to provide. It’s true it may create a little more inconvenience for the adults. However, it may be worth exploring, especially for parents who have had an amicable divorce and only want what’s best for the kids.

However, do note that there may be drawbacks to nesting. The kids are in the environment where their parents were originally together in. As a result, they may get false hopes that you might get back together with your ex.

Also, some benign things you may have done in the house may be misconstrued as a malicious act by your ex. So you need good communication, transparency, and trust to make nesting work.

If you do manage to make nesting work, you can either use the 2-2-3 schedule here. Or utilize any of the alternatives we’ve provided you from above.

Work out a Viable Co-Parenting Schedule With Your Ex

Now you know all about the 2-2-3 schedule and other viable alternatives. With this, you can find a solution that works for both you and your ex.

Navigating a separation or divorce can be tough, but at least custody doesn’t have to be. By having all these options available, you and your ex-partner can sit down and figure out which one’s the best. That way, they get adequate time with each parent.

For more guidance on co-parenting, check out this helpful guide.

Amid a contentious divorce, staying separated but living together might sound ill-advised. Yet, some parents find it the best way to meet the needs of their children. Especially when they share joint custody. 

How do they make it work? By restructuring their relationship. This tactic allows both partners ample opportunity to co-parent without stepping on one another’s toes. 

Additionally, this type of arrangement requires honest communication and clear ground rules. Such a “partnership” is not about keeping up appearances. Or pretending to be together for the sake of the children.

The couples who make it work also honestly discuss their relationship status with their kids. The caveat? They wait until their kids are old enough to understand some of the intricacies of relationships. 

Common sense dictates living separately after divorce. Some people have found other solutions, though. Keep reading to learn more about circumstances where living in the same household can work. 

When Common Sense Goes Out the Window

Divorce is tough on children. Yet, studies show that parents who choose to stay together for the kids often cause more harm than good. Settling into a contentious marriage filled with anger and bitterness is terrible for everyone.

After all, children are known for their intuitive natures. They’re excellent at picking up on relationship dynamics.

What’s more, negative emotions like unhappiness and anger are contagious. They can infect an entire household, robbing children of precious aspects of their youth. 

What happens, however, when partners realize they’re not well-equipped for single parenthood? Some decide to stick it out, forging a new relationship. One based on keeping a respectful distance, taking turns parenting, and living under the same roof.

Think of them as roommates with shared interests, their children. Yes, they co-parent in the same house. One of the main reasons it works, though, is because they give each other plenty of space.

In essence, these co-parents have decided to throw common sense out the window. They haven’t done it haphazardly, however. And they wouldn’t recommend it to everyone.

Nonetheless, it can work. If both parents are willing to forge a new relationship based on transparency and respect. 

Separated But Living Together

How does co-parenting in the same home work? One former couple recommends taking turns with the parental role.

This approach frees the other one up for much-needed adult time. No questions asked. 

It might be as simple as heading to their bedroom for downtime. Or it might involve going out. While off-duty, the responsibility of parenting is off their shoulders.

How do former spouses make their relationship work without letting past hurts get in the way? By giving themselves the space and time to resolve issues related to their marriage upfront.

Conscious uncoupling allows them to pursue an unorthodox living arrangement. One ruled by logic and clarity rather than emotions.

Not sure how to move past the rage? Here are some communication tips for an amicable divorce. 

Another set of co-parents who live together spent more than a year laying the groundwork. This approach involved completely restructuring their relationship and lives. 

Throughout the process, they kept communication open and honest. Especially when it came to explaining their arrangement to their kids.

To this day, they have no qualms about explaining how their relationship differs from others their kids might see.

The Silver Lining When It Comes Living Together After Separation

Some co-parents attribute their ability to be supportive of one another to their divorce. While married, they may have done things to sabotage or belittle one another. They felt unhappy and frustrated as a result.

After restructuring their relationship, former couples let go of these harmful habits. They moved past the pettiness of their previous relationship. In essence, divorce let them start over. 

They paved the way for a relationship built on respect, civility, and shared interests. One centered on co-parenting. 

Many co-parents living together have found the process smoother than anticipated. Why? Because through it, they’ve confronted the things that made them unhappy, like remaining in an unhealthy marriage dynamic. 

Co-parenting or shared parenting has also helped some former spouses living together to present a united front. Despite their living arrangement, they still contend with children who try to take advantage of their divorce.

As kids attempt to suss out which parent is more lenient about this or that, it presents opportunities for co-parents to pull together. 

Tips for Making Co-Parenting in the Same House Work

Is there any evidence that shows living under one roof as co-parents is good for kids? To date, studies prove scarce.

Research does, however, show that children do better with two parents in their lives. Not only do they develop better, but they prove physically healthier. 

Can most separated or divorced parents make co-parenting under the same roof work? Probably not. That said, some former couples swear by it. 

What if, despite the odds, the advantages of living with your ex-spouse prove too compelling to ignore? In that case, some expert tips to help you navigate the situation may be in order.

These suggestions include:

• Defining the relationship
• Setting expectations about interactions with the children
• Deciding on responsibilities
• Defining the space
• Laying out next steps

Let’s take a closer look at each of these tips so that you can move forward constructively. 

Redefining a Joint Custody Relationship

Like the co-parents showcased above, begin by defining your relationship. There’s a continuum. From roommates who share a house and do some things together to boarders who spend little to no time together. 

Figure out where your relationship falls on this continuum. What will the associated expectations be? 

Create a set of ground rules to inform how you proceed as a family and as co-parents. That way, you’ll avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Questions to help you define the parameters of your relationship include:

• Will we share planned time together?
• Are we doing what we did before without the physical intimacy?
• Are we both free to date and pursue other relationships with friends and new partners?

Yes, some of these questions can get thorny quickly. If you don’t clearly and honestly lay out the rules now, though, somebody will get hurt. 

Setting Expectations About Interactions with the Children

You and your former partner should take time to discuss matters like how to address childcare. You should also consider what type of family time will be permitted. 

For example, will you take turns parenting the children at separate, pre-determined times? Will you otherwise maintain different households? Or, will you still engage in some level of family time, such as a Friday game night?

Do you feel like you’re splitting hairs at this point? That’s okay. Ironing out potential wrinkles now will prevent emotional distress down the road.

Deciding on Responsibilities

Like roommates, sit down with your co-parent and discuss the “new” house rules. Since you’re separated but living together with kids, you must get on the same page. 

How will you divide up the refrigerator and pantry? Who will handle the dishes? And the garbage? 

Likewise, you’ll want to sort out issues like who’s responsible for yard maintenance? How will other items, such as cars, be shared? By the same token, how will utility bills get split up?

Defining the Space

Once upon a time, living under the same roof to co-parent was known as a “poor man’s separation.” It involved unceremoniously hanging a blanket on a clothesline down the center of the room.

Fortunately, today’s accommodations are generally more spacious. Now couples can split up their living space. One may opt to live downstairs or in the basement while the other occupies the upstairs level or main floor.

No matter how you choose to define your space, make the process fair and transparent. You’ll also need to make decisions about common areas such as the kitchen, garage, washroom, and pantry. Once this work is done, respect the rules. 

Laying out Next Steps

Before committing to anything, decide how long the current situation will be in place. Is it an arrangement that’ll continue until one partner saves up enough money to move out? Or, is this something that you and your co-parent would like to do until your children are grown?

Of course, there are many shades of gray along this spectrum, too. Some uncoupled housemates look at an in-house separation as part of a larger goal. This goal might be a smoother divorce transition for children, or it might involve financial or emotional next steps. 

Whatever the case, you owe it to yourself and your co-parent to be as honest as possible about the outcome. 

Separating with Kids Involved

Are you separated but living together because of a joint custody arrangement? You and your co-parent can make it work, at least for the short-term. However, you’ll need to take steps to redefine your relationship and set expectations. 

The key to being divorced but living together? Keeping the lines of communication open.

Sometimes, you may feel as though you’re discussing minutiae, but remember this. Half an ounce of prevention is worth half a pound of cure. The same proves true when it comes to argument-free, live-in co-parenting. 

Not sure where to start when it comes to crafting a plan that supports living together after separation or divorce? Begin by creating a successful parenting plan. Here’s a full breakdown of what to include in your plan.  

Going through a divorce is one of the most difficult life events to endure. As hard as it is on the two people going through it, joint custody situations can be even harder on the life of the children in the family. 

It doesn’t matter what has happened between the grown-ups, the children ALWAYS have to be the focus of every decision, every interaction, and every action.  Co-parenting isn’t easy. It can be hard to have shared custody and work out a parenting plan with someone who may be your least favorite person in the world. 

That’s why every custody agreement decision and parenting plan aspect has to be about your favorite people on earth- your children.

Keep reading for divorce tips for moms who are worried about Mother’s Day 2020 in a joint custody situation.

Creating a Joint Custody Parenting Plan

If you don’t already have a co-parenting plan in writing, it is important to do so. Not only for your peace of mind but for your children. There will be much less stress and turmoil if both parents know in advance when they have time with the children and when they will not.

The more details and plans you work out before the issue arises, the easier it will be to avoid arguments and aggravation. You won’t have to fight for your rights because they’ll already be laid out in a well constructed and thought out parenting plan.

This will be easier for some co-parents than others. If you don’t know where to start you may want to start with some legal advice to protect your rights and the rights of your children. For some couples, this won’t be necessary to work out parenting time as both parties will be focused on the most efficient and effective plan for the children. 

Other couples may find themselves bickering over every line and detail. That’s why it’s better to get it out of the way all at once and just have to do some fine tuning to an already established agreement rather than having to argue over every exchange and visitation.

No matter what your situation, there are ways to figure out a plan that works for everyone.

Stress-Free Holiday Schedule for the Kids 

Many times holidays can be filled with stress because parents are worried about what is fair for them. Or getting the upper hand. It can make it hard to make any holiday schedule work. But if you both sit down, either separately or together and write down what you think is best to give the children the best holiday possible, it will be easier to come to an agreement. 

Some parents insist on splitting a holiday like Christmas morning between the two houses. This may seem fair to the parents but the children end up spending their Christmas morning rushing through the experience at both houses and dealing with the custody exchange rather than enjoying their Christmas presents.

Try to envision a new tradition of switching on Boxing Day and having Christmas morning twice for the kids instead of them only really getting a fragment of one. Many parents decide to alternate years where they experience Christmas eve and morning with the children.

Mother’s day and Father’s day are a little different. They are a day that you may want to ensure part of the day is spent with mom on Mother’s day and Dad on Father’s Day. Often it is stipulated in the custody agreement or parenting plan what the arrangement will be each year no matter who’s weekend it falls on. 

Always Remember the Kids

The crisis of a marriage or family breaking up and the dynamics changing is hard for everyone. But even after the dust settles, the children have to live with the parenting plan. You are deciding not who gets them when but how they spend their life and their special occasions. 

Vindictive decisions about what time you agree to give another parent or not considering how the arrangement works in a five, ten or twelve year old’s mind can cause long term stress for everyone. It may be fair to switch between the two houses every day for the parents but that could cause a lot of stress of a kid who is dealing with school and homework, friends, and other life stresses that are compounded by bouncing back and forth.

Each time they switch between parents they end up stressed and often nagged about whether they remembered everything, or why they didn’t bring something that they should have. They may not get to enjoy their time with either parent and the parenting plan isn’t serving its purpose. It needs to be the best thing for the kids.

Most children want to be celebrating Mother’s day with their mom. While that isn’t always possible there are ways to still try and find a way to make it special for the children. If the kids are at dad’s maybe they could be allotted some time on Skype, Facetime or Zoom to have a virtual brunch with mom. 

Find Effective Ways To Communicate

You may be struggling to communicate with your ex right now. In fact, the sight of them may make you feel ill but it won’t always be like that. Whether you like it or not your ex is a big part of your children’s life. Just because they are doesn’t make it any easier to deal with them. 

There are options to make it easier. After you have a written parenting plan and are putting it into action, you may need to use tools to help ease daily tension and assist in communicating.

Having a public safe drop off place can help. Using an app or service that specializes in helping implement successful parenting plans is a great resource.

Concentrate on Making Memories

Even if you can’t celebrate Mother’s Day on the actual day that everyone else does it doesn’t mean you can’t have your own special day. In fact, you are such an incredible mom you get a day all of your own!

It can be any day you want and it is Mother’s Day in your home. Do some awesome activity with the kids that you’ll all love. Have a Mother’s Day tea party or make it a dance party if that’s more your style.

If you aren’t with the kids on the actual date of Mother’s Day then spend it pampering you! You spend 365 taking care of the needs of everyone else. You spend the entire year worrying about and catering to the needs and wants of your children. 

You don’t have to look at not getting time with them on Mother’s Day as a negative thing. It can be an awesome gift of letting mom take care of mom. You can spend the day at the spa or sleep in and take a bubble bath and create a spa at home.

Shop online and take a nap without anyone asking for a snack. You can spend the day surrounded by the scent of your new apple cinnamon candle instead of the smell of a house full of your kids and their friend’s latest farting contest.

Making Mother’s Day Memories

You can make fantastic memories that will last your children a lifetime with simple ways of making the day special. A family cupcake recipe can not only be a delicious treat but a fun activity to spend the afternoon doing together. You could create cards for your mom or another significant woman in their lives.

You could have a movie festival where you build a fort in the living room, make apple caramel and popcorn balls and watch all your favorite movies from your childhood. 

Better yet, watch home videos of years gone by and enjoy the memories you’ve already created while you laugh and create some more. You could use Mother’s Day as a great time to get pictures of you and the kids, but you don’t have to spend a lot of money. Give the kids the phone or camera and let them shoot a video or take a photo journal of this year’s Mother’s Day. 

You’ll not only have fun making the movie or finding the perfect pictures to take but you’ll have media to enjoy in the years to come and be able to witness how much all of you have changed over the years.

Not only as you watch each year’s memories but also as you observe your children’s change in how they capture the day. It could be a tradition that you look forward to and cherish and for your grandchildren in generations to come to cherish as well.

It Can Always Be Special

How you let your children celebrate holidays and special occasions isn’t just about the now, it’s about the beloved activities they’ll carry on as family traditions, it is the joy and cherished memories that will become the story of their lives.

It won’t matter to them whether they celebrated Mother’s Day on the actual date that year. They won’t remember the calendar or the hour they saw you, they’ll hold on to the fun and love you shared in the time you did spend together.

If you need help making your parenting plan work for your kids then 2houses may be the solution you need.

Marriage and divorce have become parts of the collective American experience. Ninety percent of individuals marry by age 50. About 40 percent of these marriages end in divorce and involve a parenting plan. 

Divorces are emotionally charged experiences for all involved. Adding children to the mix intensifies these emotions.

That’s why parents must create a clear custody schedule as soon as possible. Delaying could lead to more emotional distress for your children. After all, your ex-spouse remains your children’s parent no matter what.

Communicating with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse may be the last thing you want to do. Yet, it’s essential for moving on and creating a stable environment for your children.

Keep reading for tips to help you and your co-parent get on the same page when it comes to parenting plans.

Divorce and Kids

It’s easy to get caught up in the flood of emotions associated with divorce. Remember, though, that you’re not the only individual experiencing these feelings.

Divorce can be a traumatic experience for children, too. Nonetheless, it can also lead to happier times later. Research suggests that kids who grow up around high-conflict marriages experience more significant trauma than those whose parents divorce.

How can you ease the challenges associated with divorce? By developing a parenting plan and presenting it to your children (depending on their ages). Keep the lines of communication open to reduce the risk of future arguments.

Design and Implement a Parenting Plan ASAP

Children benefit from honest conversations about the changes in their family. They also do better when a stable, consistent routine gets established from the get-go. This approach minimizes the aftershocks of divorce months and even years down the road.

Do you know what else research shows us? Kids do better when they remain close to both parents. A poor relationship with one or both parents leads to a tougher time adjusting short- and long-term. 

This information demonstrates the importance of making a parenting schedule right away and sticking to it. The faster you can design and implement the plan, the quicker your children will adjust to their new circumstances. 

Yes, you and your former spouse may still be fighting over who gets to keep certain assets. You may have lawyers arguing over child support and spousal support.

These issues, however, must not spill over into your relationships with your kids. It mustn’t affect the time each parent gets to spend with them, either.

What Is a Parenting Agreement? 

Crafting a parenting agreement sits at the top of your priority list. What should this document look like? Where should you start? 

A court-approved parenting plan should be developed and agreed to by both parents of a minor child. What if parents can’t agree on the specifics of the agreement? Then, it gets established by the court.

For a plan to be approved by the court, it must address the following:

• The time-sharing schedule co-parents will follow
• Details about how parents will share daily tasks and responsibilities related to child-rearing
• Designation of who will be responsible for health care, school-related events, and other activities
• The methods and technologies parents will use to communicate with each other and their child
• Child support payments and schedule

What is a time-sharing schedule? It’s a timetable or calendar included in the parenting plan.  It should show how much time a child spends with each parent, including overnights and holidays.

Making a Parenting Plan

How to write a parenting plan? This agreement should outline how each parent will continue to care for and provide for their children.

Fortunately, advanced management calendar software can help. It lets parents develop, share, and apply a custody plan, from creating a calendar to managing expenses and other communications.

As you build a co-parenting plan, streamline the process with software designed to handle all aspects of co-parenting. Besides containing the information the court needs, this software can help you add items about:

• Medical and health care
• Education and extracurricular activities 
• Information about exchanges 
• Parenting guidelines 
• Child and parent relationships 
• Childcare
• Traveling and relocating with the child
• Child support and financial information

Let’s break each of these elements down further. We’ll also look at how they can help kids feel more stable and reassured during and after a divorce.

Medical and Health Care

What should the medical and health care portion of the plan address? For starters, who pays for medical and dental costs. It must also stipulate which parent will cover insurance expenses and for how long. 

It should explain who will transport the kids to and from medical appointments. You should also address special needs children and specific medical concerns. 

Educational and Extracurricular Activities

As for education and extracurricular matters? These include decisions like where the child will go to school and how they’ll get there. It should also address paying for school expenses and activities. For example, be sure to define who attends parent-teacher conferences and school events.

Don’t forget about extracurricular activities, either. Which activities will be permitted? How will parents be expected to support these endeavors?

For example, if your child participates in karate, who will pay for classes? Who will transport your child to practices and belt tests?

Information About Exchanges

The details associated with exchanges should also be hashed out ahead of time. These include where exchanges will take place and who will transport children to each one. Your plan should also contain provisions for bad weather and driving-related issues.

After all, unforeseen circumstances may arise from time to time. Whether they involve a traffic jam, snowstorm, or late arrival to an exchange. Having a plan head of time will help you and your co-parent to avoid conflict. 

Parenting Guidelines

Deciding on parental guidelines will make life go more smoothly for all involved. Being on the same page about discipline, bedtime routines, and more, will also create a greater sense of stability for your children. 

Other issues to consider include alcohol and tobacco use around your kids. You may also wish to include language about the types of movies and television shows permitted. 

Child and Parent Relationships

When your child is with their co-parent, how much communication will you have with them? It’s important to decide this upfront. Of course, you’ll need to extend the same courtesy in return.

Will your children keep in touch through telephone or video calls? If so, how often and when? Deciding these details in advance will reduce everybody’s anxiety levels. 

Parents may also include information about co-parenting best practices. These include not talking about each other to the children, avoiding offhand comments, and refraining from using kids as messengers. 

Childcare Considerations

What happens when your co-parent is unavailable to watch your child during a pre-scheduled parenting time? Many parents like to set up a first right of refusal option. This option allows them to watch their child instead of a babysitter or other individual. 

Traveling and Relocating

What about family vacations and other travel plans? How about the potential for relocation? These two topics can lead to heated exchanges quickly, especially if co-parents don’t give each other much notice of their travel plans.

When you don’t provide the proper notice before traveling or relocating, you may incur the wrath of the court. It may find you in violation of your custody agreement. In some cases, courts can even bar parents from moving a child out of a city or county. 

Child Support and Financial Information

Child support likely comes up first when you think of post-divorce finances. You’ll soon realize, however, that many other types of financial obligations arise. These include everything from extracurricular activities to medical insurance and taxes. 

In your parenting plan, specify which parent will claim the children on their taxes. List who will pay for what. You’ll also want to include language about how one parent will reimburse the other for child-related expenses. 

Other Considerations

As you work out a plan, always put your children’s needs first. Remember that they should have access to both parents unless there are extenuating circumstances. (For example, addiction or domestic violence may preclude a parent’s right to their children.) 

Don’t put kids in the middle or make them feel as if they must choose a side. Do, however, ask older kids for their feedback and opinions. Consider what they want and how you can incorporate it into your parenting plan.

Teenagers, for example, often have busy lives and are gaining a greater sense of independence. If you hamper this budding self-reliance, it could make them resent you. 

Parenting Plans After Divorce

Do you feel overwhelmed by all of the potential topics you should cover in your parenting plan? If so, remember this. The more parenting-related issues you and your co-parent can resolve upfront, the less conflicts you’ll see later.

Stay reasonable and clear in your communication of parental roles and responsibilities. This practice will help you avoid conflict down the road, which is an excellent thing for you and your kids post-divorce.

Looking for more information about crafting a parenting plan? Check out our article on four tips for maintaining excellent communication during a divorce. 

Parenting is never easy. It’s a full-time job that requires you to drop your personal needs to tend to other human lives.

That full-time job becomes all the more difficult to perform when you’re co-parenting with someone that has a narcissistic personality disorder. Fortunately, parenting a child with an NPD co-parent isn’t impossible.

It will take several actionable steps, with you championing a lot of the “first steps”. If you’re at a loss for where to start, then consider different techniques.

Here are several tips on co-parenting with a narcissist. Be sure to consider all of these methods and find the ones that will work best for you.

1. Always Prioritize the Children Above the Co-Parent

Divorce is hard enough as is, and you might be stressing the importance of your children having both parents in their life, if possible.

However, their need for both parents isn’t so great that it beats out the other needs of your children.

Dealing with a narcissistic father or mother means that they won’t be able to place your children’s needs ahead of their own. That’s why it’s up to you to make those decisions.

Of course, you don’t want to hurt the other parent’s feelings, but that’s a minute concern when it comes to doing what’s best for your kid(s).

If at any point you feel like your ex-spouse is using your children for their own personal gain, it’s time to take action. Remove your kids from the situation as much as possible and attempt to reach a solution.

2. Set Ground Rules for Communication

Co-parenting with your ex can get dicey when it comes to proper communication practices. In fact, the narcissistic parent will try to flat-out ignore your wishes on how they speak with you and the child.

That’s why it’s important to set up ground rules for how they’ll communicate with both as soon as possible.

There will be an adjustment period for everyone involved, so try not to become frustrated.

Be sure to set up borders for when and how you talk to each other. For example, try to use email as the primary form of communication between you and the other parent.

Email will help remove emotion from the verbiage (as much as possible) so that you both can attempt to have clear discussions.

The narcissistic parent will undoubtedly try to frustrate you with some responses that they send. Email is the best way for you to give yourself enough time to respond and read over what you send before you send it.

3. Set Up Call Times with the Children

Modern-day technology has made it increasingly difficult for parents to control how often their ex-spouse communicates with their child.

As you probably know by now, your narcissistic co-parent will try any and every way to reach the child against your wishes.

Try to set specific times that the parent can call the child while you have visitation with them. The other parent will try to push you on this, so don’t budge.

Even if they agree to the call times that you’ve set, they might still try to blow up the child’s cell phone with text messages to instigate. If you catch on to this, remain calm and try to get the child to ignore their messages for the duration of your visit.

4. Conjure Up a Legal Parenting Outline

Your personal requests and demands won’t mean much to the narcissistic parent, even if they’ve agreed to those you’ve listed out.

Because of that, you want to find something that’s legally-binding. Something in writing that can protect you from the co-parent’s unpredictability.

Their NPD will influence them to try and be involved in everyone’s lives as much as they possibly can. However, a legal agreement will cause them to think twice before stirring things up.

Legal parenting agreements can include terms such as the education plans for the children, visitation schedules, health care for the kids, and other responsibilities.

Remember to be the bigger adult and remain as reasonable as possible. Think about what your children want and how you can mold a parenting plan to fit it.

If you have concerns about the process or about your narcissistic co-parent, be sure to bring them up as you meet with an attorney. They can recommend different options.

Of course, an interactive calendar might also serve as a huge breakthrough for interacting and scheduling with the co-parent.

5. Remove Your Child from the Middle

Odds are that there will always be minor and major feuds between you and your ex-spouse. 

What’s important is that you remember to remove your child from the middle of the altercation. It doesn’t matter how old they are, they should never have to get involved in the ongoing battle.

Don’t be surprised if the narcissistic parent tries to place your children in a situation where they have to pick between the two.

Don’t buy into the trap they’re laying out for you. The top priority should always be the safety and the happiness of your kids. They love you both and want both of you to be involved in their lives.

The narcissistic parent might try to fill your child’s head with lies, and it’s up to you to put an end to it.

Ask them often if the other parent has tried to use them as a spy against you at one point or another.

Try to communicate the fact that you don’t hate their other parent. Make sure they know that both mom and dad love them very much and want the best life possible for them.

6. Use Counseling to Your Advantage

Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent in everyday life is an unprecedented situation to most people. There’s no clear-cut rule book on how to deal with them. Every NPD is different.

Because of that, you want to make sure you and your children have a space to talk through things. 

Counseling can provide a setting for you to work out feelings both individually and/or together.

In fact, there are many tremendous benefits of counseling. Such perks include things like mental relief, increased self-confidence, and self-acceptance.

It will also help you and your children to improve your communication and gratitude towards the situations you’re blessed with. 

The counselor that you frequently visit will help you see things through a different scope and tackle the frustrations you have head-on. This will also be a great exercise to lessen the burden of the emotional load that you’re carrying on your shoulders.

7. Control What You Can Control

If there’s one thing that you’ll learn about co-parenting with a self-absorbed person, it’s that you won’t be able to control their actions.

Attempting to show enough emotion to get through to them will only make things worse. Narcissists feed off of high emotions and frustrations if you show it to them.

Not only that, but trying to control other people, narcissist or not, will lead to more frustration that you’re inflicting on yourself. Instead, focus on the things you do and the actions that you take.

The best way to start change is to ignite change within yourself. Don’t expect the other parent to follow your lead. 

If you find self-control then you’ll be more at peace with situations that would otherwise lead to anger and sadness.

8. Lead by Example

You’re the bigger adult, here. You are the one that will serve as the primary example for your children. 

As much as they might love the other parent, even younger kids understand who the responsible parent is in their life. Therefore, it’s completely up to you to set a standard for your child’s behavior.

If they see you work through your feelings by throwing things around the house, then they will grow up to do the same thing.

You need to focus on showing your kid(s) the right way to do all things in life. As they grow up, they’ll come to admire your dedication to raising them the right way, even with a narcissist for a co-parent.

Find the Balance for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist!

Now that you’ve seen several helpful suggestions and tips for co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s time to put them into practice.

While that can be easier than done, it’s important to take each tip one step at a time.

Be sure to read this article on co-parenting during the coronavirus and how to work through visitation during this pandemic.