Category: Communication

It might take a few months, or even longer, but parents and kids will get used to a new normal after divorce. The kids will become accustomed to spending time with one parent at a time, and you and your ex will adjust too. But even when you sort out the logistics of everyday life post-divorce, certain holidays may always be a source of tension. With Father’s Day and Mother’s Day approaching, talking now about what will happen on these special days is an important part of making them run smoothly.

Joint Custody and Father’s Day: Potential Pitfalls

Especially if this coming Father’s Day is your family’s first since the divorce, having a happy and loving day with your kids probably feels really important. Hopefully that’s exactly what will happen, but it’s important to be mindful about all the potential obstacles that your family will have to navigate.

First, there’s the legal side. Your custody agreement will factor into how you handle scheduling these holidays. It’s not just up to your and your ex to decide what happens, so check that agreement first.

Next, think about your expectations for this special day. Father’s Day probably seems even more important now that you’re not with the kids every day, but expecting a perfect day of family bonding is probably not realistic. Your kids might be grumpy, the weather could be bad – any number of things could throw a wrench in the plans. Stay flexible.

And if you’re not able to get custody for Father’s Day, think ahead about what you can do on that day instead. Plan a full slate of fun and distracting activities with childless friends, or opt for a low-key day at home if you think seeing families out and about will be too hard.

Divorced parents deal with these issues around Mother’s Day, too. We’re focused on joint custody and Father’s Day today, but these same pitfalls and strategies are just as relevant to moms who aren’t scheduled to have custody on Mother’s Day.

Talking to Your Ex About Holidays

Who gets custody on a special holiday is a hotly contested issue between some divorced parents. This is an emotional issue, and being separated from your kids on a day when you’re supposed to be together can cause tension between your and your ex. It’s imperative that you don’t let that happen, as adding conflict to your relationship will hurt the kids.

Luckily, you can both understand the significance of these parent-specific holidays. One good strategy to get access to your kids when they’re scheduled to be with their other parent is to offer an even exchange. If the kids can be with you on Father’s Day, your ex can have them on Mother’s Day or on another important date of her choosing.

If your relationship with your co-parent is really strained, put your request in an email or ask a trusted family member to serve as a go between. Your ex still disagrees to your request for custody that day? Suggest the whole family gets together for a meal so you can at least see the kids for part of the day.

Talking to Your Kids About Holidays

If your discussions about joint custody and Father’s Day go nowhere, you’ll have to prepare yourself and your kids to be apart on this day. The best strategy? Ignore what the calendar says and establish your own [Last Name] Family Father’s Day, on a weekend when you have custody.

Your kids might ask about why they won’t see you on Father’s Day, especially when they notice their friends are spending the day with their dads. Be honest and sympathetic, making sure not to blame your ex for the scheduling. Say something like, “I’m disappointed too, but it’s your weekend to be with mom and it’s important that we stick to that agreement. We’re going to celebrate on [date] instead!” If possible, make a plan to video chat with the kids on Father’s Day so you can share a meal or read a book together, even if you can’t be physically together.

I have been divorced for about three years. I have two teenagers, 13 (a son) and 15 (a daughter). They both live with me, although their father lives in the next town and my son often stays with him. I have just started to date someone. When should I tell my kids that I am dating and when should I introduce them to this new person in my life?

Answer:It’s advisable to tell them you’re dating as you begin to do so. Teens don’t want to feel out of the loop, and letting them know you will begin dating will assist them to manage the changes in their emotional lives. It’s important to send some key messages in that conversation: I’m taking this dating thing slow, I’ll typically date in a way that will not take away from our time together as a family, you’ll be the first to know if I ever develop any genuine feelings for anyone.

How much you want to discuss your date with your children depends on your relationship with them. Be cautious not to be overly excited about dating because your teens are about to get to that stage themselves and you want to preserve the excitement and healthy conversations about dating for them. However, you may have a child who wants to hear some simple things about how the date went and it’s okay to share that information, but beware that you’re not using your children as your best friend.

Introductions should be reserved for when you feel the relationship has potential. Be forwarned that children can develop close attachments quickly so you don’t want your children to develop a meaningful relationship with your man until you know he’s the one and sticking around. When you find someone you like, have a light introduction, perhaps quick dinner and a movie/sporting event just to make sure you feel they interact well and to help your kids feel like they are in the loop. After that, you can continue to have some limited, pleasant times together but they should be far and few between so that your kids aren’t forming any attachments. Once you feel that engagement or some form of long term committment is upon you, that’s when you begin to develop this new enmeshed family concept. That will take a lot of time and love. Be sure to have many open conversations along the way about what family means to you and your kids and how your family system might change with another man in your life but it’ll never change the special, deep relationship you have with your kids.

by M. Gary Neuman

Parental Alienation is defined as the deliberate attempt by one parent to distance his/her children from the other parent.

An example would be the mother who shares too much information about the father’s affair with the children in a covert attempt to cause the children to harbor ill will toward the father.

A mother or father may wish to alienate the children to pay back for the pain experienced due to an unwanted divorce. They may attempt to alienate the children due to mental illness that keeps the parent from putting her/his children’s best interest before their own. Thereasons parents participate in Parental Alienation are numerous and costly.

On the other hand, estrangement follows multiple conflicts and blowouts between parent and child, says relationship expert Irina Firstein. “There are extremely hurt feelings,” she says. “There are feelings of betrayal and of disappointment.”

The father who leaves the family for another woman, neglects time with his children and dismisses the harm done to his children is likely to become estranged from them. It is fair to say that no one responds positively to poor treatment, least of all children.

PAS results from a parent actively working at causing hard feelings between a child and parent. Estrangement results from a parent behaving badly toward his/her children which, in return causes the children to cut off contact.

It isn’t uncommon for a parent who is estranged from his/her children to blame the other parent of PAS. It is easier to blame others for bad behavior than to accept and acknowledge bad behavior.

How does one tell the difference between a parent who is a victim of PAS and one that is estranged due to bad behavior?

…Read More…

By Cathy Meyer, About.com Guide

As time passes after your divorce, it’s very likely that you’ll meet someone who becomes an important part of your life and you start considering a future with. This also means introducing the new partner to your children. When and how you approach this can mean the difference between a mess and an easier incorporation. Here are some tips to help the introductions go smoothly.

The When

1. Be Honest With Yourself

When you’re considering whether or not to introduce a new romantic partner to your children, it’s important to take an honest look at the relationship and where it’s likely heading. If you’re just having fun and enjoying the person’s company but you know there’s not really long-term potential there, it’s probably best to leave the kids out of it.

2. Talk With the New Person First

If you’re ready to introduce a potential new spouse to your kids, it’s a good idea to talk to that person first. Even if your children like this person, they may still have some negative emotions and thoughts about someone new taking such a permanent place in your life. It’s not uncommon for children to feel like they’re being replaced by a “new family” or to feel a new wave of emotions at the finality of Mom and Dad not getting back together.

3. Give Your Ex a Heads Up

You certainly don’t have to give your ex every detail of your love life after divorce. But if things are serious enough you’re considering introductions to your children, it’s a courtesy to let your ex know. Your children are almost definitely going to bring this up during their time with the other parent. Having already discussed it beforehand can make sure you and your ex-spouse are on the same page for how to present this new change and handle the children’s responses. If you’re uncomfortable — or just too busy — having the conversation face-to-face, using the messaging feature on 2houses lets you fit this conversation into your schedule. It also gives you the chance to spend some time drafting and rewriting your message so there aren’t any miscommunications or issues.

The How

1. Consider the Timing

While it’s sometimes hard to remember with our responsibility-filled adult lives, children have stress too. Introducing a new partner to your children when they’ve had a long day of school and activities and hungry and past bedtime, probably isn’t going to go over well. Try to choose a time where they’re relaxed, well rested and fed and in a good mood.

2. Go for Neutral Ground

Introducing someone new to your kids in their home can be a little bit too much to handle. It can feel like this person is already encroaching on their space and relationship with you. Instead, consider doing the meet-and-greet somewhere like a playground or kid-friendly restaurant where the kids can escape to their own space if they need to.

3. Follow Up With Them Afterward

Even if the introduction went better than you could have hoped, it’s still a good idea to check in on the kids by yourself. They might have some thoughts or emotions they need to express they don’t feel comfortable sharing with the other person present. Doing this also ensures the children know you’re still putting their feelings first.

No matter how well introducing a new partner to your children seem to go, remember to go slow and give it time. Adding someone into the family dynamic means adjustments for everyone. Keeping the lines of communication open between your children, your new partner and your co-parent can go a long way to smoothing the transition.

When co-parents decide to end their relationship, it is not always easy to know how to tell the children. For families, the divorce process involves an ongoing conversation. The adjustment period for adults and children is uncharted territory and won’t be without bumps along the way.

Several authors have tried to make the transition easier with guides to talking to your kids about divorce. Suitable for a variety of ages, these volumes give you and your children some ways to deal with the emotions that come with a change to their way of life. You can read many of these with your kids. Or offer them as a resource to your children while they begin to make sense of these changes.

“Dinosaurs Divorce” by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (1988)

It can be tough for preschoolers and very young children to understand divorce, especially if they don’t know anyone else who’s going through it. In “Dinosaurs Divorce,” the prehistoric character is navigating the same territory as the child. The young dinosaur talks about some things that may happen after divorce, such as around the holidays and when living arrangements change.

“Two Homes” by Claire Masurel (2003)

The concept behind “Two Homes” is pretty simple: a seven-year-old boy figures that, with his parents living separately, he will have more of everything he loves. Two places to call home, two bedrooms, two kitchens and with family always nearby. This takes a positive approach to new living arrangements in order for kids to gain a different perspective on what can be a difficult period of time.

“Divorce Is Not the End of the World” by Zoe and Evan Stern (2008)

This book, aimed at older children over the age of about eight, was written by teenagers who have experienced divorce. It is practical as well as sensitive, addressing common emotions kids go through during transition. It talks about how day-to-day life might change, with the introduction of step-siblings and stepparents, and homes with different rules.

“A Smart Girl’s Guide to Her Parents’ Divorce” by Nancy Holyoke (2009)

Laid out a bit like a workbook, the “Smart Girl’s Guide” acknowledges that life can change many times for the child of divorce. There is often the initial separation, then remarriage. Packed with advice from other preteens, the book also makes learning fun with quizzes and easy-to-understand tips. Check out the “Girl’s Bill of Rights” that’s included as a handy cut-out.

“It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear” by Vicki Lansky (1997)

As is evidenced by the title, “Koko Bear” is about dealing with the emotions of divorce. Written for three to seven-year-olds who may not yet be used to expressing how they feel. The book is as much a guide for parents as children. With this volume, you can help pinpoint what your child is feeling and help them to recognize and address those emotions in themselves.

Divorce is often a challenging transition for parents and children. It’s an uncertain time that comes with many unknowns. For children who desire a sense of security and predictability, it may be particularly stressful. These books are designed to help open the lines of communication so children know that no matter what happens, their parents have their well-being as their top priority.

 

There might be a great temptation to entrust your child with messages – practical ones, or some other kind – that you want to convey to the other parent. This is tempting because it is easy…. Don’t forget to tell your father (your mother) that…. It is equally tempting to believe children’s messages, or what children tell you about their experiences with the other parent… It’s comforting to think that we can have “full confidence” in the words of our child.

We forget that children, like everyone else, are beings under construction. They may tend towards honesty and impeccable integrity, but these are not always fully imprinted, and it is precisely our role as adults to guide them on the journey that leads there. Transparency, honesty, discernment, and real awareness of what is happening are not innate, they are learned.

Moreover, the messengers, unwittingly in most cases, “load” the messages with emotions, interpretations which are either their own, or something they believe they saw in the parent in question. The message as delivered might be quite far from reality. Children unconsciously use the wounded places of their parents, who take pleasure in saying or hearing bad things about the other (it might be difficult to admit it, but deep down, we know that this part exists, taking pleasure like that). More subtly, it may be an interpretation of the attitude of the child, for example: I found Paul sad and tired when I took him back from his father… there is a great temptation (which builds resentment ) to blame the father immediately without going to the source of the problem.

The danger here is twofold: parents are comforted in their rejection of one another, and as a result of their conflict, the children are unsettled and insecure: unsettled and insecure because they unwillingly become involved in the conflict of their parents, and therefore become direct actors in that “framework”, while on the contrary they need to evolve in a predetermined frame of reference…

It is therefore of utmost importance that parents communicate directly, and ask questions directly rather than using, or simply accepting, their children as a relay.

There are many divorced parents who, in good faith, try to do the best they can for the happiness of their children, but whose relationship with the other parent is limited to the exchange of practical information. The transmission of “everything else”, that is to say, how the children are growing and developing when they are with the other parent (which in joint custody can be half the time ) is left to the children, with the biases and risks mentioned.

To secure the children and the peace of the parents, it is urgent to promote all means allowing them to talk directly, calmly and without judgment about the moods of their children, the facts that have struck them, or the atmosphere in which they live…. all these elements are non-factual and yet critical if parents want to provide a common, secure and stabilized framework for their children.

Kids going through their parents’ divorce can feel stuck in the middle. They have to adjust to living in two places, following different rules, and maybe even seeing different friends and family. All they really want is to stay out of their parents’ fights and get along with both mom and dad (unless one of them isn’t nice to them, of course).

But some moms and dads make things harder. They see how tough it is for their kids to deal with everything and try to get them to pick a side. They might badmouth the other parent or make it hard for the child to see them. This is called parental alienation.

Impact of Parental Alienation on Children

The impact of parental alienation on children is profound and can manifest in various ways. Children who are subjected to parental alienation may feel guilty, unhappy, or angry. They may experience low self-esteem and trust concerns. In some cases, children may accept the alienating parent’s unfavorable perceptions of the targeted parent, which could result in a total rejection of that parent.

Furthermore, parental alienation can have long-term effects on a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and navigate their own future partnerships. They may struggle with intimacy, have difficulty trusting others, and experience challenges in establishing their own identities. That’s why it’s super important to deal with parental alienation right away and help these kids overcome these problems.

Signs of Parental Alienation

It’s important to catch parental alienation early to stop it from hurting your child any more. Here are some signs to watch out for:

• Your child acts mean or ignores the other parent for no reason.
• They start saying the same bad things about the other parent that the main caregiver says.
• They don’t want to see the other parent or do things with them anymore.
• Their whole attitude towards the other parent changes all of a sudden.
• They make up stories or exaggerate problems about the other parent.

It is important to note that – Just because your child does some of these things doesn’t for sure mean it’s parental alienation. There could be other reasons. However, if multiple signs are present, it’s best to talk to a professional to figure things out and get help for your child. 

Factors that Contribute to Parental Alienation

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows during a break-up, and sometimes parents can get so mad at each other they forget about their kids. Here’s why this might happen:

• Lots of Fighting: When parents get divorced in a big fight, it can make parental alienation more likely.
• Parent doesn’t care about child’s feelings: Some parents get so caught up in being mad that they don’t realize they’re hurting their child by making them not like the other parent.
• Family and Friends Joining In: If people around a parent are also saying bad things about the other parent, it can make the kid believe them more.
• Past Problems: If a parent has a history of treating their child or the other parent badly, it might be easier for them to try and push the child away from the other parent.

Strategies to Help Children Resist Parental Alienation

Supporting children who are experiencing parental alienation requires a multi-faceted approach that prioritizes their well-being and emotional recovery. Parents concerned about parental alienation also need to help their children develop 4 capacities that will help them resist the pressure to choose sides. Here are these strategies that can help children resist parental alienation:

Critical Thinking Skills

When children think critically, they can understand where their thoughts come from and decide if they’re true or not. This helps them question ideas like thinking one parent is all good and the other is all bad. If a child is using critical thinking skills it is not likely that he or she can be programmed or brainwashed into rejecting one parent to please the other.

Considering Options

When placed in a pressured situation in which a child feels compelled to do as one parent asks (i.e., not spend time with the other parent, spy on that parent, and so forth), it is important for the child to slow down, not act right away, and consider his or her options. Doing so can prevent the child from automatically doing what the alienating parent is asking.

Listening to One’s Heart

When children learn to be themselves and stick to what they think is right, it’s harder for someone to trick them or get them to do things that hurt them in the long run. This could be like choosing sides between mom and dad, or doing something that makes one of them sad. Help your child figure out what’s important to them, and how to know when they’re going against those things.

Using Coping Skills and Getting Support

Children sometimes feel that they are the only ones who are dealing with a problem and that no one can understand what they are going through. Encouraging children to talk to other people such as friends, teachers, and other caring adults can help them feel less alone and can help them benefit from the wisdom and kindness of others. Children also have more internal resources (self talk, relaxation strategies) that they can develop and rely on in times of need.

By implementing these above strategies, parents and professionals can help children resist the pressure to choose one parent over the other and mitigate the damaging effects of parental alienation.

If you suspect that your child is experiencing parental alienation, it is important to seek professional help immediately. Remember, your child’s well-being is of utmost importance, and by taking action, you can help them resist the pressure to choose one parent over the other and promote their emotional recovery.

I have an only child. He’s smart, funny, and wise beyond his years. I was 25 years old when I gave birth to him. I looked into his eyes as they handed him to me and I knew not only would he forever be my only child, he would also be the most important man in my life forever. That fact has never changed.

As his father’s work took him further away from home, the bond between mother and son grew stronger until my then-husband looked at us during a rare family dinner and said, “You two act as if I don’t even exist. You have your own little world.”

It was true. Not only do my son and I look alike, we have the same personality. Fire and passion run deep in us both. So as the marriage fell apart and my ex saw us even less frequently, our son shifted into what he considered his role of “Man of the House.” And, in one of many mistakes I’ve made in parenting, I let him.

Territorial and jealous, he was now suspicious of any man that gave me an approving glance or flirted with me. “How can that guy look at you like that? You are my mother!” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that angry remark from my son I wouldn’t be a struggling single mother any more.

Rather than confronting the issue, I chose to skirt it. For over two years I didn’t take phone calls when my son was nearby, my smart phone address book is full of bogus names that I used instead of the real names of the men that were interested in me. It became a bit tricky keeping track of “Bill” who was filed under “Barbara” vs the real Bill, my pest control guy. Although the latter did find it amusing when I sent him a text him asking what would happen if I was a bad girl. He replied that his contract only covered mischevious rodents, not their homeowners.
I felt as if I was having an affair that I was keeping from my son. My life was filled with lies of business meetings that were in reality were dates, supposed friends that were actually lovers, and made-up stories of boring nights on the couch alone while he was with his Dad. I remember sitting with the child psychologist as he was trying to explain what our son was going through. One a scale of 1 to 10, his discomfort level of seeing his father with another woman was at a 2, but for me, he chose an 11. Our son could not even discuss the idea of a man dating me without tears erupting. Tears flowed for me as well when I heard this news. As a mother, I knew what I had to do.

I gave up dating and any chance of a normal relationship. It was just too hard. I figured in a few years when he got older and interested in girls himself, I would broach the subject again. That was, until his father stepped in.

My ex-husband and I have what I consider a healthy divorced parenting relationship. We put our son first and have gotten past the hurt and anger that filled the last years of our marriage and first year apart. I also still consider him a confidant. He knows that it’s been difficult and at times lonely for me, which is why he sat me down a few months ago and said, “You need to start dating again, and you need to be upfront with him about it.” I protested that it was impossible. “He won’t be able to handle it,” I assured him. “Then we will tell him together, and I will give my blessing. Angela, you must do this. It’s not healthy for either of you.”

I wish that I could say our son’s reaction was positive. It wasn’t. He didn’t understand why I needed anyone else. Wasn’t I happy with the way our life was? “Yes,” I assured him, “But I need a social life and interaction with other adults. I needed to stare across the table at a beautiful man, one that was not wearing braces.

And so I started, cautiously, being honest regarding my whereabouts. Only a few weeks ago did I admit to having a “date.” My hands were shaking when I did so. He got quiet. “Mom, promise me you won’t… you know. I just worry about someone taking advantage of you.”

I stopped the car. “Sweetheart, I promise, I value being your Mother far too much to ever let anyone harm me. You have nothing to worry about.”

I saw his anxiety soften.

My son has only a few short years left under my care before he goes out to make his own way in the world. And while I know I shouldn’t sacrifice my life during those years, I also know that it is my responsibility to give him peace of mind.

I’m ok with that. He has nothing to worry about.

by Angela Lutin (source: HuffingtonPost.com)