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COVID-19 Decisions: Which Parent Gets to Make Them

Covid-19 Coparenting Decisions

The COVID-19 pandemic struck the world in early 2020, and it caused a change of life for many. Between lockdowns, mask mandates, online schooling and supply chain issues, it’s been difficult to navigate this new normal. It’s also brought about strong feelings on both sides, and this can cause coparenting challenges if you and the other parent aren’t on the same page.

It can be confusing in a coparenting situation to know who gets to make the final decisions on which issues if both parents don’t agree, but understanding the processes the family courts have for this is important. Below, we take a look at some of the common coparenting decisions that have come up with COVID-19 and discuss who gets to make these decisions and what you can do if you want to change that.

Possible Coparenting Decisions Surrounding COVID-19

The guidelines around COVID-19 continue to change, and it can be difficult to keep up with what the latest recommendations are. However, there are two main areas that COVID-19 has affected when it comes to coparenting and your children: education and medical decisions. Here are a few of the common decisions parents are facing right now.

Where Your Child Will Go to School

When COVID-19 caused many schools to go virtual in 2020, it created a unique challenge for parents. They were suddenly faced with trying to make sure their children were learning and staying up with schoolwork while also navigating their own jobs and the general changes to the world. Some parents found that they really enjoyed the time they had with their children or were surprised at how much time children were just staring at a screen and not really learning in virtual school. Even as schools went back to in-person school, mask mandates, vaccine recommendations and COVID-19 guidelines also had some parents wondering if it was the best choice for their family.

But what happens if you think your children should go to in-person school but the other parent is very against it and wants to do online school or homeschool? This isn’t something that really lends itself to compromise, and it can be something that both parents feel equally strongly about.

Whether Your Child Will Get the Vaccine

As of October 2021, the COVID-19 vaccine was available for those aged 13 and up, but trials were in process for vaccines for younger children. Whether your child gets a vaccine is a medical decision, and it can be very difficult to navigate if you and the other parent aren’t on the same page. It can also create issues if one parent is vaccinating their family and the other parent isn’t. What happens to the joint children as they go between houses? This issue can have far-reaching consequences into visitation schedules and can cause a great deal of conflict between the coparents.

Whether Your Child Should Wear a Mask

Masking is a major debate in some countries, including the United States where it has become a political issue with extreme and vocal opinions on either side. Usually, the children actually have far less strong of an opinion on this subject than the parents do, but if the parents do disagree on this matter, it can put the child in the middle and create conflict. While some parents may take a stand of letting each parent choose whether or not to have the child wear a mask during their parenting time, this issue can also affect where the child goes to school and what extracurricular activities they can participate in.

What Happens If Your Child Gets Sick

The original COVID-19 strain didn’t seem to affect children in the same way it did adults, but variants such as Delta have started to change that. More children are getting sick with the virus, and even if they don’t get severely ill, it can cause some problems. For example, will the child continue to follow the normal visitation schedule when they’re sick? This is common, but what happens if the other parent doesn’t want to risk bringing COVID-19 into their household.

If your child is one of the few who gets severely ill, you may also be facing significant challenges in who gets to visit the child at the hospital and who will get to make the decisions regarding the child’s method of care.

Who Gets to Make the Decisions?

Who gets to make medical and educational decisions is determined by what kind of custody you have and if there are any specifics in your custody order or parenting plan. You’ll want to look at what your papers say about legal custody. It’s common to get confused between legal and physical custody. Physical custody is time sharing and visitation schedules; legal custody is the basis for decision-making.

If one parent has sole legal custody, then that’s the parent who has the right to make education and medical decisions for the children. If the other parent disagrees strongly enough, they can bring it to the courts, but there is a large burden on them to prove that there is some reason that the custodial parent is acting outside of the child’s interests.

If you have joint legal custody with the other parent and there are no specific provisions in your parenting plan about who gets to make these decisions, the bottom line is that the court expects you to come to an agreement on your own. If you can’t, your option is to go to court. While the judge may order you into mediation, these situations usually end in a lengthy trial where both parents present their cases and then the judge makes the final call on what will happen.

As you navigate these new challenges that are coming up with COVID-19, you may realize that there are some specific points in your parenting plan or custody agreement that need to be amended or that there are new things you want to include. In this case, you’ll need to file a motion to go before a judge and have the agreement officially changed. If you and the other parent agree to the changes, it can be as simple as filing a joint motion. The courts generally are willing to adopt changes that both parents agree on. However, if you want something changed and the other parent doesn’t, it can mean having to go all the way through the family court system.

Keep in mind that any time you go through the family court system, it can be extremely stressful for both the parents and the children. It’s almost always best to try to come to an agreement with the other parent or try lower-conflict options, such as mediation. It’s also important to remember that both you and the other parent only have the children’s best interests at heart, and while you may have different opinions on what supports that, it can help to keep that in the back of your mind as you navigate these discussions.

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5 Tips for Handling High-Conflict Coparenting

High conflict coparenting

Relationships usually don’t end peacefully, and it’s normal for couples with children to have tried everything they could to stay together. This means that by the time you get through a breakup or divorce with your children’s other parent, it can be difficult to transition into peaceful coparenting. In many cases, tensions ease over time and as everyone adjusts to the new normal, but sometimes, it can be very difficult to move forward and the parties get stuck in an ongoing cycle of conflict. The latter situations are often referred to as high-conflict cases.

Before we jump into our tips for handling high-conflict coparenting, it’s a good idea to first define what we’re talking about. Every person who is trying to coparent is bound to have communication challenges or find that what they want doesn’t line up with what the other parent thinks is best. That’s just normal coparenting. It takes compromise and lots of communication as well as both parents being focused on the needs and well-being of the children.

 In high-conflict coparenting, however, the majority of the interactions between the parents are contentious and there is little to no compromise on at least one person’s part. These aren’t just simple disagreements that crop up from time to time. It’s an ongoing pattern of conflict, with at least one party refusing to cooperate and actually coparent together. So, what do you do in those situations? Check out our tips below.

1. Take Care of Yourself

This might seem obvious, but in the midst of all the chaos and juggling that comes with being a single parent, many parents forget that they still need to focus on their own health. The better your own mental, emotional and physical health is, the more prepared you will be to handle high-conflict situations calmly and with a good perspective.

It’s important to eat nutritious food that you enjoy, get enough sleep so that you wake up feeling well rested and to remember to carve out time for your own interests and hobbies. A solid social support system is also critical. You need people to talk to about your situation and who can both listen when you need to rant and get out some frustrations and who can provide some outside perspective.

Lowering your stress levels is one of the best things you can do for yourself, your children and your entire household. While this may seem laughable if you’re trying to navigate a high-conflict coparenting situation, it’s crucial to focus on what you can control. Don’t overschedule yourself and make time for something that calms and grounds you every day.

2. Get It in Writing

You may have heard the saying in business that if it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen, and this is also true for coparenting. It’s important to get any schedules, agreements or plans in writing so that there is an objective record of who was supposed to do what. If it is at all possible, it’s best for this to be an actual court order.

If you’re still working on finalizing your parenting plan, try to include everything you can think of that might possibly have to be a discussion later on. This could include who pays for private school tuition, who does the transportation to and from extracurricular activities and whether you split costs like school supplies and fees. If you already have a parenting agreement in place, it may be worth it to go back to court to try to get it amended to include the particulars for any recurring issues.

If it’s something small that wouldn’t be covered in the actual court documents, make sure to get a record of the other parent’s response and communication. Text is okay, but if you have to go to court later, texts aren’t always considered admissible. Email correspondence or communication through a coparenting app like 2houses is best. You can also do this yourself by sending the other parent an email such as, “Per our phone call today at 2 p.m., you will be taking Chris to soccer on your weekend.”

3. Use a Coparenting App

A coparenting app makes it easier to keep records for court, ensure you have agreements in writing and have everything you need all in one place. 2houses, for example, has a messaging feature that keeps track of when each parent opens and responds to the message, and it makes it so no one can delete a message and pretend like they never got it.

The other major advantage of a coparenting app is that it significantly decreases the amount of direct communication you need to have with the other parent — and, therefore, decreases the number of chances for a conflict. With 2houses, you can put the children’s schedule of appointments and extracurriculars on the calendar so you don’t have to personally notify the other parent. It also gives you a place to upload pictures and document important memories or conversations. You can even use the finance tracker to submit expenses for the other parent to pay directly through the app, lessening the amount of back and forth and automatically providing you documentation if you need to go to court.

You can download messages, expenses and anything else you need in an easy-to-use form that can then be given to your attorney or the courts, if necessary.

4. Pick Your Battles

High-conflict coparenting situations aren’t called that for no reason. It can seem like every single little thing becomes a huge issue. And it probably does — because that’s what high-conflict people do. But just because the other parent wants to make something an issue doesn’t mean you have to agree. Think about what things are actually worth responding to or intervening with, such as safety issues, and try to let the rest go.

Maybe the other parent lets the children watch TV shows or movies you don’t approve of or lets them spend more time playing games on the tablet than you would allow. In the grand scheme of things, these aren’t worth fighting about with someone who isn’t willing to actually listen to your reasoning and try to find a compromise.

5. Focus on De-escalation

Disagreements are inevitable, and when they involve your children, it’s normal for there to be heightened emotions and easily triggered tempers. High-conflict people play off of this and often purposefully try to get the other parent to react to something. They feed off of the drama and chaos.

So, what can you do? Focus on de-escalation tactics. This can involve noticing that you’re getting angry or starting to raise your voice and taking a few deep breaths to remind yourself that you don’t want to engage. It can also mean using specific strategies when talking with the other parent, such as saying, “You might be right” or “I hadn’t considered that angle” when they’re trying to argue. This doesn’t mean they are right or that their angle is a good one, but this is a strategy that can cause the other person to pause and get out of fight mode so you can then exit the conversation.

The bottom line is that you can’t control the other parent — or any other people involved — and you can only control your own actions. Stick to the court order, getting modifications as necessary, keep thorough records with a solid paper trail, and remind yourself that while you will likely never be able to be completely rid of the other parent, there will come a time when the children have grown up that you won’t have to actively coordinate with the other parent on this level.

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Holiday Split Custody Arrangements: How to Celebrate Special Occasions

Holiday Split Custody Arrangements

Divorces usually end with a split. Close to 750,000 divorces occurred in the United States in 2019. Most divorces that involve children end with a split custody agreement. 

Yet split custody agreements can get a little complicated. The holidays are supposed to be times where family members get together. How to celebrate holidays after a divorce is not clear. 

How can you talk about holiday custody arrangements with your co-parent? How should you delegate custody during important holidays? What should you do about school vacations and less important occasions like Halloween? 

Answer these questions and you can help your child have fun throughout the year. Here is your comprehensive guide. 

Discussing Holiday Custody

Holiday custody agreements should accompany any custody agreement between co-parents. Once two co-parents pick a joint custody schedule, the two should work together to discuss how they will arrange the holidays. 

You do not have to craft a comprehensive plan. But you should discuss major holidays like Christmas and decide on split custody solutions. 

If you have multiple children, your solution should not split them up. They should remain together to celebrate all occasions. 

The solution should respect your and your co-parent’s living situations. You should not have to spend a large amount of money or time in order to celebrate holidays.

You should also not inconvenience your child. If one co-parent lives in another state, they can meet the custody agreement through teleconferencing. 

You may loop other members of your family into your conversations. Your child will want to spend time with their grandparents and cousins on Thanksgiving and other days. Make sure you reach an agreement with your ex so they can do so. 

Be willing to adjust your plan as time goes on. Your child’s desire to celebrate certain holidays may diminish over time. They may change their cultural values and decide to celebrate occasions like Easter. 

Birthdays

Nearly all children want both of their parents to celebrate their birthdays with them. You and your co-parent should have your child celebrate theirs. 

The easiest way to do this is to share the day in some capacity. If you and your co-parent are on fine terms, both of you can throw a party for your child. If you want some privacy, you can go out to dinner with your child. 

If you and your co-parent don’t want to see each other, each of you should do something for your child. They can spend the morning at your house before going to your co-parent’s house in the afternoon. 

You may buy your child presents for their birthday. But don’t compete with your co-parent on your presents.

You can alternate birthdays if you live far from your ex. Your child will celebrate one year with you, then they will celebrate the next year with your ex.

You should arrange transportation for your child well in advance. Whoever the child is going to should pay the expenses of transportation. 

Try to coordinate with them and share the expenses on one big gift for your child. Give something to your child that they can make use out of. A book is more useful than a toy or a video game. 

You can spend time with your child on your birthday. But you must allow your co-parent to spend time with them on their birthday. You can make a stipulation for this in your child custody arrangement. 

Parents’ Days

You can treat Mother’s Day and Father’s Day like any other holiday. Your child can spend time with their mother on Mother’s Day and with their father on Father’s Day. Many elementary schools have children make presents for their parents for these occasions. 

You can also treat the two days as “Parents’ Day.” This is a good solution for same-sex parents or parents who identify as genderqueer or gender non-conforming. You can divide the two days between yourselves and have your child spend one with each of you.  

There is an official Parents’ Day on the fourth Sunday of July. Your child is probably not aware of this occasion. If they are, you can split the day between the two co-parents so both of you get parenting time in. 

Three-Day Weekends

Three-day weekends include Memorial Day weekend and Labor Day weekend. These are great occasions for short vacations like camping trips. Yet they may affect weekly custody routines, as one parent may take over on Friday or Monday. 

An easy solution is to give your child an extra day with their co-parent. The other co-parent can have the day off, or they can take over on a day they would not be in charge of. 

You can also divide the three-day weekends between the two of you. One of you can take over on Memorial Day while the other takes charge of Labor Day. 

Some three-day weekends may come suddenly. School on Friday or Monday may get canceled due to inclement weather. 

Whoever has custody of your child should maintain their custody. It is too dangerous to transport your child from one house to another during a snowstorm or power outage.

The Holiday Season 

The holiday season can be a very difficult time to navigate. Sit down with your co-parent in advance and work through what you both need to do. Determine what your arrangements will be for the season and how you will cover expenses.

Most children want to see both of their parents for Thanksgiving. It can be tricky for each parent to do their own Thanksgiving dinner. 

What you can do is send your child to their grandparents or cousins. Both of you can then share expenses for one meal and join with them. 

You can do something similar for Christmas. You can send your child to a third party and have both of you visit with them there. 

If you and your co-parent celebrate different December holidays, you can split them. Your child can go to one parent for Christmas and another for Hanukkah or the winter solstice. You can have them go to you for New Year’s Eve and the other co-parent for New Year’s Day. 

Follow good tips on co-parenting during the holidays. Your child may feel lonely or confused during the holiday season. They may ask questions about why they cannot see both of their parents at once. 

Answer your child’s questions without providing too much detail. Affirm your child and tell them that both of you love them. Feel free to coordinate on presents and other special gifts. 

School Vacations 

Each school district is different. Look at the school district schedule before you make any determinations for splitting custody. 

Nearly all districts make a four-day weekend out of Thanksgiving. You can maintain your custody schedule on that weekend. 

Most districts have a winter vacation in December. School usually adjourns on December 23 and reopens on January 2.

You can also maintain your usual custody schedule, though you should minimize disruptions on the holidays. Your child may transition between the two of you on Fridays, yet Christmas Eve is on a Friday.

You can delay until Sunday so the child can celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in the same house. Follow good tips on how to handle custody exchange day smoothly. These tips are especially important for holiday weekends.  

Most districts have a spring vacation. This is one week off from school that occurs in March or April. 

This is a time when many parents want to take their children on vacation. A co-parent can do so. But they should talk with their other co-parent and make arrangements so the child can go on vacations with both. 

Some districts have a February vacation with one week off. This gives co-parents an opportunity to split vacations. One parent maintains custody in February while the other maintains it in April. 

Family Events

Family events include weddings, funerals, and baby showers. For the most part, you can split these events based on your relationship with them. 

If a wedding is occurring on your side of the family, you can take your child to it without your co-parent. If they want to go, they can while you maintain the custody of your child.  

This must be transactional. When an occasion happens on your co-parent’s side of the family, you must let them take your child to it. It is important that your child maintain connections with all of their family members. 

Attending the same events as your ex may be awkward. You do not have to talk to them if you do not want to. 

But both of you should attend important events, especially weddings and funerals. You do not want to form a rift between yourself and the hosts. You can talk to them about your ex and ask for seating arrangements so you don’t contact them. 

Do not use family events to introduce your partner. Try to make introductions on smaller occasions and talk to your ex about bringing your partner to an event.  

Other Holidays

Independence Day occurs every July 4th. This means that the holiday may fall in the middle of the week or create a three-day weekend.

Though it is not as important as the winter holidays, your child may want to see both parents on that day. Try to arrange things so both of you can spend time with your child. One of you can host a barbeque at lunch while the other takes your child for fireworks. 

If one co-parent has a military background, they can take custody of your child on Veterans Day. It can fall on a Monday or Friday, so you can turn it into a three-day weekend. They can do the same for military holidays like Flag Day. 

Your arrangements for Halloween should be particular to your child. If your child does not care about Halloween, you do not have to make a holiday out of it. 

But if your child does care, you should both be involved. If possible, both of you can go with your child for trick-or-treating. You can go together, or you can split the occasion. 

More and more people are celebrating Halloween through October. This gives you a way to split the holiday. One of you can celebrate with your child on October 31st while another celebrates on a different day. 

New Traditions

Every co-parent should learn how to create new family traditions after a separation. This may involve creating new holidays. In general, the parent who comes with the new holiday should celebrate it with their child.

But the other parent should have equal time. They can come up with a new holiday to celebrate with the child. If they don’t have their own holiday, they should get an extra day to spend with their child. 

You or your co-parent may find a partner from a different culture. They may have occasions that they would like to celebrate. 

It may be appropriate to allow your child to commemorate these holidays. But both co-parents need to be okay with the new traditions. A child should not be made to participate in holidays they don’t want to celebrate. 

New religious traditions may be difficult to navigate. Some religions do not accommodate divorced parents.

You and your co-parent should have a conversation about your child’s participation in religious ceremonies. If one of you is not comfortable with it, your child should not participate unless they really want to. 

How to Split Custody for the Holidays

You and your co-parent can work out a holiday split custody arrangement. Talk about the holidays as you draft a custody schedule. 

Both of you should celebrate your child’s birthday. Each of you can spend time with them on their birthday, or each of you can host a party. You can also send them to a relative’s house and pay them a visit. 

You should do something similar for major holidays like Thanksgiving. You can handle weeklong vacations and less important holidays individually. 

Get tools to help you with co-parenting. 2houses provides co-parenting apps. Sign up today. 

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What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist: Your Comprehensive Guide

What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist

Narcissism is a major problem. 1% to 15% of the population suffers from narcissism. Some people have narcissistic personality disorder, while others struggle with some narcissistic symptoms. 

Narcissism becomes an even worse problem when it comes to split custody. A narcissistic co-parent can make the separation and parenting processes far harder than they need to be. Yet you can get help. 

What exactly is narcissism? How can narcissism impact a person’s parenting, and how can you help your child? What should you do to keep a narcissistic co-parent from affecting your life? 

Answer these questions and you can be an effective co-parent in spite of your ex. Here is your comprehensive guide. 

The Basics of Narcissism 

A personality disorder is a mental disorder. A person with one has patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy or destructive. They may be aware of the consequences of their actions, yet they cannot change them. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) impacts a person’s ego. They have a larger-than-normal sense of self-importance and skills. 

A person may exaggerate their achievements, including lying about successes in their life. They may be preoccupied with their fantasies of success and power. They may believe they are special and refuse to associate with any “normal” people. 

At the same time, they may come across as insecure. They may perform stunts so people will give them attention. They may fish for compliments or ask for approval repeatedly. 

Signs of Narcissism 

A person can come across as narcissistic in many different ways. They may come across as intelligent and capable during initial conversations. During first dates, they may shower their partner with signs of love and affection. 

Yet as time goes on, they may express an idealized view of their partner. This may come across as flattering, but it can also be arrogant. The person with NPD may say that the two of them are more special than everyone else. 

The person with NPD may prioritize their needs over the needs of their partner. They may stay for longer hours at work, or they may ask their partner for special favors. 

If the two go through a divorce, the person with NPD may insist on longer hours for child custody. They may also insist on having a greater share of the marital property. 

They may attack their ex in court, insisting that they are not fit to be a parent. They may initiate confrontations and enjoy how they make their ex and child upset. 

Keep in mind that the signs of NPD overlap with those of other mental health conditions. Bipolar disorder can lead to someone feeling egocentric or pulling stunts for attention. 

A person can have NPD and another mental health condition. They can also develop a substance abuse disorder. They may abuse a substance to cope with their lack of attention or to soothe their insecurities. 

How Narcissism Can Affect Parenting 

NPD can affect a person’s style of parenting in a few different ways. If you have a narcissistic ex-husband or a narcissistic ex-wife, you need to understand how they function as a parent. Monitor them closely and adjust your parenting style so you can support your child. 

The Achievement-Obsessed Co-parent

A narcissistic co-parent may be obsessed with their child’s achievements. They may insist that their child be the best, including through their physical appearance.

They may praise their child, but only when they accomplish something. When the child does something wrong, they may criticize them harshly. They may neglect their child when they need help because they don’t want to see their child as weak. 

The Self-Obsessed Parent 

The parent may demand admiration from their child. They cannot tolerate any disagreement or criticism. They praise their child when they follow their orders, but they scorn them when they disagree. 

Children with self-obsessed parents have low self-esteem. They may denigrate themselves and refuse to take leadership positions at school. 

The Prioritizing Parent 

Someone with NPD who has multiple children may prioritize one child over the rest. This child may have skills that their siblings do not have. They shower this child with praise while neglecting everyone else. 

The prioritized child may have mixed feelings about this. They may feel guilty that they are receiving more praise than the other children. They may become confused when they don’t receive praise at school or at work. 

Their siblings may lose self-esteem. They may distance themselves from the prioritized child, forming a rift in the family. 

The Abusive Parent 

Not all parents with NPD are necessarily abusive. Yet there are parents whose narcissism leads them to physical and sexual abuse. 

They may regard their children as servants. When they act out of line, they use physical force in order to get their way. They may engage in sexual behaviors with their children due to a lack of empathy. 

Set Your Boundaries 

Once you understand how your narcissistic co-parent is behaving, you can understand how you should behave. Unless your co-parent is abusive to you or your children, you should interact with them. Remaining in communication will make things like dividing school-related expenses easier. 

Yet you do not have to be in constant communication with your ex. Establish times during which you will not talk to them, even if they reach out to them. 

Establish what you will and will not talk about. You can limit your conversation to the welfare of your child or to finances. You can avoid talking about everything else. 

You are not obliged to speak to your co-parent if you both attend an event. Make it clear to them that you will not communicate with them at the venue. If they try to talk to you, say something like, “I don’t want to talk with you right now, but I hope you have a good night.” 

If you do meet with your co-parent, bring someone with you. They can monitor the conversation and end it if it stops being productive. 

If your co-parent has a partner, your boundaries should apply to them. You should not communicate with them unless something requires their attention. You should also avoid talking to your co-parent’s family members, including their parents and siblings.

They may become a stepmom or stepfather to their partner’s child. It is not your place to intervene with that relationship. Focus on your own child. 

Split Custody With a Good Parenting Plan 

All separated parents need to make a parenting plan. This will make co-parenting far easier and create a smoother separation process. 

You can follow most traditional tips for writing a parenting plan. You should have conversations with your ex during which you break down aspects of parenting. You should decide how you will divide parenting time and important responsibilities. 

You can talk to a lawyer. You can also find a mediator or a third party who will help you come to a mutual consensus. If you do not want to talk directly to your ex, you can have your attorney talk on your behalf. 

Keep the priority on your child. Figure out where they are going to live and attend school. Devise ways of covering their expenses, including food and clothing. 

If you do not want your co-parent to have custody, you should stand your ground. Go to court and propose options for a visitation schedule.

You can also divide physical custody while you have full legal custody. You can receive spousal or child support if you need it. 

Consider Parallel Parenting 

Parallel parenting is the best parenting model for divorced parents who don’t want to see each other. It is good for any situation involving a co-parent who has a mental illness. 

Both parents will be involved in raising their children. One parent may have visitation rights only.

Yet the two interact on limited occasions. They may see each other when one parent drops off the child. They may communicate with each other during an emergency. 

But that is the full extent of their interactions. One parent raises the child their way, and the other raises them their way. In effect, each parent serves as a single mom or a single dad. 

Parallel parenting will prevent your narcissistic co-parent from harming you. Yet you should be attentive to your child. If it seems like your co-parent’s parenting style is harming your child, you should intervene. 

Be Calm

Many people with NPD like to feed off other people’s emotions. They may instigate a conflict just to make the other person upset. This is especially the case with people they do not like. 

Do not take the bait that your co-parent is throwing out there. When they make a comment you do not appreciate, take a deep breath and respond without emotion. 

Never make a personal attack on your co-parent. Yelling at them may escalate the situation.  

When you need to let emotions out, you should do so. Once you are done talking with your co-parent, head outside and find some catharsis. 

Dodge Narcissist Triggers

A person with NPD may become triggered. A stunt they made for attention may have gone unnoticed. Someone may have caught them breaking a rule, or they may have suffered a setback in their personal life. 

This can cause their symptoms to become worse. They may fly into a rage, threatening other people and using violence to get their way. This rage can occur with minimal warning. 

Make sure you do not trigger your narcissistic ex. Do not bring up anything personal in your conversations with them, especially about their romantic life.

Whenever you are concerned about the welfare of your child, you should contact someone. You do not have to call the police if you don’t want to. You can ask a friend, relative, or crisis center to check in to make sure everything is okay. 

Affirm Your Child 

Don’t let your co-parent distract you from your child. Spend plenty of time with them. Engage in their hobbies and help them with their schoolwork. 

Praise your child when they do something right. But console them if something goes wrong or if they make a mistake. Work with them on how they can improve their skill so they don’t make the same mistake again. 

If they do something wrong, you can discipline them. But don’t go over the top. You can give them a timeout, but don’t take away food or water from them. 

You can have conversations with your child about their well-being. Yet you should not make it about the co-parent. Ask them to focus on themselves, their feelings, and their health.

Be attentive to the signs of child abuse. Contact someone if you notice several signs in any child, including ones you don’t have custody of. 

Think About Counseling 

Parenting in and of itself is stressful. Delegate plenty of time for self-care. Attend to your hobbies, talk to your friends, and find personal fulfillment in some way. 

You can talk to a mental health counselor if you find you have a lot of stress. Come up with some solutions to handle your personal problems. Devise some tips to cope with your anxiety. 

You may need to take medications. This does not make you weak. Medications can mitigate your symptoms and help you become a better parent. 

Do not recommend that your co-parent get counseling. They may take this as a sign of disrespect. But you can recommend counseling to other family members who may benefit from it. 

Deal With a Narcissistic Co-parent

You can split custody with a narcissistic co-parent. They may come across as arrogant, haughty, and self-centered. This can lead them to neglect or even abuse a child. 

Enforce hard boundaries with your co-parent. Avoid personal or emotional conversations with them. This has the added benefit of avoiding narcissistic triggers. 

Draft a good parenting plan and consider parallel parenting. Affirm your child and make sure they are doing well. Get yourself self-care so you combat your anxiety. 

Find resources that will help you and your children. 2houses provides great guides and online apps. Create an account today. 

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What Happens When an Absent Parent Returns

Absent parent

The ideal coparenting situation is one where both parents are present and enthusiastically involved in their children’s lives, hopefully on as close to a day-to-day level as possible. However, this ideal doesn’t always happen. In many cases, one parent is only involvedsporadically — or not at all — and the other parent is left to shoulder all of the parenting. But what happens when that absent parent comes back? We have some tips for navigating an absent parent’s return below.

What Is an Absent Parent?

An absent parent is a parent who doesn’t exercise their parenting time physically at all or at least not on a consistent basis. The person may also not be present in any real substantial amount for decisions surrounding the children. There is no official length of time that a parent has to be out of the children’s lives to be classified as an absent parent, but some state family
court systems will look at terminating parental rights or approving a stepparent adoption if the absent parent has had no contact with the children for at least a year.
An absent parent may be gone for several years with no communication at all, or they may call every few months to make a cursory attempt at seeing the children or asking when they can see the children, but they don’t follow through. A situation such as a parent who has to go on a work trip for two weeks and misses some visitation days doesn’t qualify as being an absent parent.

Why Do Parents Come in and Out?

There’s no easy answer to the question of why parents come in and out of a child’s life. It could be because they aren’t sure how to be a parent and aren’t confident in their relationship with their children. It could be because they’re afraiding of making a mistake or repeating poor parenting from their own childhood. It could also be that they have other life obligations and don’t understand the pain they are causing the child by not being present for them. In some situations, the parent may be struggling with a substance abuse disorder, addiction or other mental health issue.
While none of these are excuses or acceptable reasons for not being a present parent, it’s important to remember that in most cases, the absent or in-and-out parent doesn’t have any ill intentions and isn’t trying to hurt the child. In most situations, they simply don’t understand or care to understand how important their role and presence is in the child’s life enough to make a concerted effort to be there.

Navigating the Return

A previously absent parent can come back into your children’s lives for a variety of reasons. In some cases, they may start to mature and realize that their children need a relationship with them. In others, they may be facing family pressures and be trying to get back “in” with the kids before the holidays or summer vacation. No matter the reason, it can be extremely disruptive to both the children’s lives and the primary parent’s life, especially if the children are very young or the parent has been absent for a long time. Below are some strategies you can use to cope with the situation and try to ease some of the stress for yourself and your children.

1. Lay Down Boundaries With the Other Parent

If a parent is trying to come back into the children’s lives after a long absence, it’s important to have a conversation with them beforehand, if possible. They may not be aware of the child’s feelings and think that everything will just be “like it used to,” and there may also be specific things the parent needs to know about the child, such as allergies or medical conditions that have developed during their absence.

During this conversation, it’s a good idea to talk about the other parent’s relationship with the children. Make it clear that you support that relationship and want to have a good coparenting relationship with them. But it’s also important that the other parent understands that that can only happen if they can be consistent from this point forward. After a parent leaves the child’s life for a significant amount of time, especially if it was without cause or warning, it can take time to build that trust and relationship back up again.

2. Get Expectations in Writing

If you already have a court-ordered visitation schedule and the other parent wants to go back to that, you’re legally required to allow the children to go with the parent for their time. However, you can file a motion to ask the courts to modify the agreement or have a “step up” plan so that the child isn’t spending a weekend all of the sudden with someone they haven’t seen in three years. Or you can work out an arrangement that works for both of you, such as starting with more phone calls and dinner once a week and working back up to Saturday all day and eventually a full weekend.

Whatever you decide to go with, make sure to get it in writing and make it a part of your official parenting plan as soon as possible. This ensures there are no miscommunications, and everyone is in agreement with what the expectations are.

3. Talk to the Children

Before the other parent actually starts taking parenting time with the children again, you’ll want to talk with them. It’s important not to make excuses for or lie for the other parent as far as where they’ve been or why they were gone, but it’s equally important to treat it as neutrally as possible. Young children may not need much of an explanation, and older children and teenagers likely won’t care what the reason was anyway.

Make sure to ask your children open-ended questions to get an understanding of how they’re feeling about the change and what questions or concerns they may have. If they’re already in counseling, this can be a great time to bring in the counselor as well. It’s important to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings your children may have — even if they are negative. This will show your child that you are a safe place to share their feelings and encourage them to keep talking and sharing as the relationship and time progresses

4. Focus on Coparenting

It’s normal to be upset and angry with the absent parent and to be skeptical of whether they will stick around this time, but it’s best to keep those feelings to yourself. Once the other parent has expressed a desire to return to the children’s lives, your focus then becomes on coparenting as peacefully as possible. However, those who come in and out of a child’s life are often not known for their cooperation or reliability. That’s one reason using a coparenting app like 2houses can help. You can use the messaging features to communicate, so you don’t have to check texts or emails — and so you have a paper trail — and it lets you put everything related to the children directly online so you don’t have to communicate directly with the other parent about every little issue.

6. Be Prepared With a Backup Plan

While it’s important to remain positive and hopeful, the chances of a parent who has been absent for a long time successfully sticking around aren’t great. The odds are even less if the parent has come and gone a few times. It can be helpful to have a backup plan. On days where the other parent is supposed to come and get the children, it might be helpful to have an alternative to offer, such as the park, if they don’t show.

It’s equally important to ensure you have a solid support system since you may find yourself solo parenting more often than coparenting in these situations. Gathering a community of family and friends can help ensure you don’t feel like you’re having to do everything alone, and it also provides much-needed support as you’re navigating the absent parent’s return.

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3 Ways to Support Your Child Going to A New School After Divorce

Going to A New School After Divorce

Divorces can be extremely hard on the whole family, but the effects they have on children might worry you much more than those they have on you. In such cases, it’s important that both parents put their differences aside and do what they think is best when it comes to their children. Aside from having to adjust to not living with both of their parents any more and moving from their home and everything they were familiar with, one of the main issues is how the child will get accustomed to their new school. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to support them through this challenging period of their lives. Here is some precious advice for making this transition smoother on your children.

Prepare Them for Talking About the Divorce

One thing your child might be very concerned about is how to tell their friends and colleagues about their current family situation. When it comes to smaller children, keep in mind that they don’t usually know how to hide facts and that they might overshare. Similarly, you can expect your teenagers to let some of their new peers in on details you would rather keep to yourself. This isn’t something you should get angry about. Instead, expect it and find time to talk to your children about the divorce and all of the issues they are confused about. After all, it might be a good thing that they trust somebody enough to discuss their thoughts and feelings. Still, let them know that their schoolmates may be curious about the divorce or separation, that they should politely decline answering any personal questions they’re not comfortable with and suggest how they can do it. Perhaps you can teach them how to redirect the conversation. Ask them what they’re ready to share with other children and mention things that may be inappropriate to tell others. Talking to your child can help them filter out what they should say or not, but it lets them know they can come to you with anything that’s bothering them and allows them to cope with any anxiety, fear or anger.

Show Interest in Their School Success

Another thing you should address is the child’s school obligations. While the divorce may be difficult on them, it’s still important that they stay as focused on their schoolwork as possible. Elementary-school children can benefit a lot from you sitting down and explaining anything they don’t understand or hiring tutors for some of their subjects. On the other hand, teenagers might not be as clingy as the smaller children, so you should put some effort into finding other ways to help them keep up with their curriculum. If they have trouble concentrating in class and they’re too distracted to take coherent notes, there are some excellent online resources you can refer them to. For example, Australian students rely on the systematic UOW notes. This is probably because these were written by students who have already taken the courses and understand the requirements of the subjects in question. UOW prides in being one of the top public universities with regards to undergraduate student experience, which means a lot to teenagers, making these notes something your children can turn to improve their grades and have better comprehension of their curriculum. 

Talk to Their Teachers

When your child is at school, they need to know they can rely on their teachers for anything they need. However, in order for teachers to truly be there for your child, they need to have as much insight into your child’s current state of mind, which means that they should be informed of the divorce or separation and how your child is taking it. Not only will that make it easier for the teachers to approach your child with the right kind of teaching method and give them proper guidance, but they’ll also be more understanding if something is out of order. Plus, this way the teachers can monitor your child’s behavior more closely and let you know if there’s anything you should be aware of. Finally, in case your child is still young enough to go to school and come back home on their own, you should let the teachers know who’ll be there to pick them up on any particular day or who they should call if there’s an emergency.

Having your children’s back is one of your main jobs as a parent and it becomes an imperative in such trying situations as going through a divorce. So, armor yourself with patience and love and be there for anything and everything they might need, so that they know they’re just as much loved and appreciated as they’ve always been.

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Ways to Protect Your Privacy During Divorce

Protect Your Privacy During Divorce

Divorce is challenging and overwhelming as it is. However, if you add in the interference and scrutiny from outside parties, it gets even more difficult. When the divorcing parties are high-profile or affluent, privacy can seem like a luxury.

Working with seasoned divorce attorneys is the first step you can take to maintain your privacy during the proceedings. Other ways you can effectively keep sensitive details out of the public eye include:

Tip #01: Avoid Social Media

If you are not careful, social media can easily derail divorce proceedings. Keep in mind that creating hostile posts about the other party can have negative repercussions in court. For the time being, keep your security settings private.

It is also recommended that you encourage family and friends not to post anything negative about the divorce or your significant other. Also, remind them not to leave any negative or derogatory comments on your profile or the other party’s profile.

As a general rule of thumb, don’t share any details about the proceedings with anyone. Moreover, don’t mention anything about it online. If you want to play safe, it would also be a good idea to deactivate your social media account for the time being.

Tip #02: File a Motion to Have Your Case Sealed

This might not be common knowledge, but the public has access to divorce court records. This means any interested party can have access to information and details about your divorce.

In line with this, it would be a good idea to ask your divorce attorney to file a motion to have your case sealed. However, the court needs to grant the motion first before your divorce records are kept out of the public eye.

Tip #03: Ensure Important Documents are Protected

If you are still living with your significant other or if other people are living with you at home, make sure critical documents are kept inside a locked file cabinet or lockbox.

Some of the essential documents you need to secure include your court documents, social security card, and even your medical records.

Tip #04: Be Careful When Answering Personal Questions

While it is customary to confide in close friends and family members during your divorce, you need to still control the information you share with others. When asked personal questions or any information about your divorce, you can politely tell them you would rather not discuss it.

Keep in mind that the less information you share with others, the fewer the complications that can arise.

Tip #05: Consider Mediation

Not all divorce proceedings have to occur in the conventional courtroom. Mediation will enable both parties to work with a mediator. No record will be made of the proceedings in mediation, and no information will become public knowledge.

It is also crucial that you work with a skilled attorney who can guide you and help you decide if mediation is right for you. If both parties agree to work amicably, mediation is an option you can look into.

Tip #06: Avoid Any Drama

The more dramatic and sensational your divorce is, the more interesting it can be to others. Since emotions can run high, it can be challenging to keep all the drama out of the proceedings. Fortunately, you have the option to minimize opportunities for conflict.

Start by limiting your communication with your ex-spouse to email. You also have the option to communicate with the other party through your divorce attorney.

Securing Your Privacy Online

If you are going through a difficult divorce, it is also recommended that you take steps to protect the integrity of your online accounts so you can move forward with confidence and peace of mind. To secure your privacy online, keep the following basics in mind:

Tip #01: Change Your Password

Change all your passwords for unshared personal and financial accounts. If you suspect spyware on your computer at home, change the passwords from a safe computer. Avoid logging in if you think your computer is compromised.

It would also be best to skip the WiFi at home and use a secure MiFi instead. Ensure you log off from shared devices and don’t tick the “remember me” box.

Tip #02: Purchase a New Mobile Phone and Data Plan

While you have the option to change your password and turn off any shared services, you can also consider purchasing a new mobile phone and data plan for your added peace of mind. This can help warrant your spouse won’t have access to your call history and text messages.

Once you have your new phone, make sure you secure it with a fingerprint or PIN and enable the 2-factor authentication. This way, even if your current password is compromised, no one can access your accounts without your new phone.

Tip #03: Check for Spyware

Spyware is a type of software you can install on your phone or computer, usually for a monthly fee. You can use different kinds of spyware to monitor the content of your outgoing and incoming emails, web searches, and text messages.

It is also important to remember that it is illegal to put spyware on your spouse’s computer or phone. If you suspect you are being spied on, check with your divorce lawyer or contact the authorities.

Tip #04: Turn Off Shared Cloud Services and Shared Devices

Consider disabling information-sharing across services and devices, including iCloud, Google, Amazon, Dropbox, and many more. Clouds can be tricky, especially for those who are not tech-savvy. To ensure you don’t miss any crucial steps, it would be a good idea to invest in the help of a technology specialist.

Tip #05: Check Applications on Devices You Own and Disable GPS Permissions

There are instances when spouses put GPS trackers on the other party’s phone without their knowledge. That said, check your list of apps and double-check if you have shared your location with anyone.

Final Thought

If you find any privacy or technology issues challenging to manage during your divorce proceedings, seek the guidance of your divorce attorney. Your divorce lawyer can help ensure you can navigate any privacy issues with ease and go through the proceedings as smoothly as possible.

About the Author:

Andrea Williams is the Community Manager at The Law Offices of Alcock & Associates P.C., a premier law group in Arizona that provides legal services to clients involved in Personal Injury, DUI, Immigration and Criminal cases. She enjoys cooking, reading books and playing minigolf with her friends and family in her spare time.

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Divorced Parents: Share School-Related Expenses

Divorced Parents Share School-Related Expenses

Money– for most of us, it’s our least favorite thing to talk about. When you’re raising kids as participating co-parents, discussing finances can sometimes feel like pulling teeth.

While the concept of child support eventually becomes a normal part of life for families that are raising children post-divorce, certain times of the year always feel like a heightened challenge. Christmas, birthdays and back-to-school season can really weigh on parents who are trying to decide how to fairly and effectively finance an enriching life for their kids. 

You know what? It doesn’t have to feel that way. 

From open communication to implementing a co-parenting app, shared expenses don’t have to be a messy, uncomfortable thing to manage during the school year. Read on to learn how to effectively handle this component of co-parenting your school-aged child. 

Average Cost of Back-To-School Expenses

The average family spends $272-360 per child during the back-to-school season. One in five families will spend more than that, expecting to contribute over $400 in expenses per child in order to prepare them with the proper supplies and clothes. 

The COVID-19 pandemic resulted in additional costs for some families. In order to prepare for online school, some families spent thousands of dollars in order to equip their kids with the right technology. 

Education-Related Expenses 

Education expenses are any expenses required for your child to be enrolled in or participate in school. These expenses may include but are not limited to: 

  • Uniforms
  • Tuition and fees
  • Transportation costs to and from school 
  • School supplies
  • Books
  • Room and board
  • Tutoring
  • Computers and technology

Families are spending more and more on these items every year, especially as their children get older. It’s important that separated or divorced parents discuss what items are necessary for school, and what are unnecessary expenses. 

Extracurricular Expenses 

If they’re anything like the statistics, your kids are likely excited to get back into their extracurricular activity of choice. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 42%  of school-aged children were involved in sports. 30% of children were involved in some kind of private lessons (like music), and 28 percent were involved in clubs. 

Of these kids, 9% participated in all three types of activities. That makes for a busy (and potentially expensive) school year!

Activity costs may include: 

  • Yearbooks, photos, admission to events
  • Sports physicals 
  • Prom, homecoming, or other dance expenses 
  • Registration fees
  • Sports equipment and uniforms
  • Transportation costs to and from activities 
  • Driver’s education costs 
  • Private music, sport or drama lessons 
  • Student activity fees
  • Instruments

Just as you and your former spouse come to a transportation and custody agreement, it’s important to acknowledge the expenses that come with your children’s favorite pastimes. While wildly beneficial for their health, development, and happiness, 46% of parents report spending more than $1,000 on their kids’ activities every year. If you’re co-parenting, it’s time to talk about how that’s going to be split between households. 

Picking a School

After a divorce, a child may need to change schools to satisfy their new living situation or their parent’s expectations for their education. If you’re like 10% of families in the United States, you may consider private school over public school for your family. This will obviously come at a cost. 

On average,  K-12 schools will cost a family $25,000-$65,000 a year. Will this be sustainable once your incomes are no longer combined? 

When determining what school you will ultimately finance, ask yourself these questions: 

  • Is private school a necessity, or a luxury? 
  • What is in the best interest of your child? 
  • What is each parent able to pay? 
  • Can you make this decision without a mediator? 

If the child is already enrolled in a private school, it may be best to keep them in an environment they are familiar with. At the end of the day, you know what’s best for your child. Have an honest conversation as parents– it may make for an easy decision. 

Post-Secondary Education 

Is your child nearing the age of 18? Parental support may extend beyond childhood. 25 states give courts the authority to order a non-custodial parent to pay some level of college expenses. This kind of child support is called “post-minority” or “post-secondary” support.

Have you already established a college fund? What sort of support will you provide to assist with moving or living expenses? Set aside some time and have a sit-down discussion about what kind of future you are expecting once your child reaches his or her college years.  

Spending Philosophies 

How did it feel to discuss money in your marriage? Were expenses split, or determined by income ratios? While determining a fair child support arrangement, courts will consider the following: 

  • The gross incomes of both parents (includes salary/hourly wages, any commissions, rental income, tips, or bonuses)
  • The typical payroll deductions and available tax deductions for both parents
  • The custody agreement 
  • Each parent’s expected childcare costs

If you’re still working out the specifics, start with considering two very general expense-sharing philosophies. 

50:50 Spending 

Do you feel that it is most fair to split costs 50/50? This is most common for separating parents who earn similar incomes. 

If you can work out a monthly payment agreement, or reimburse one another by 50% immediately, you may be able to avoid any conflict involving delayed payments or anything in direct violation of the child support agreement. 

Income Ratios 

If there is a substantial difference in income, it may be the fairest to agree upon an income-based system. A 70/30 or 60/40 split might be the most reasonable arrangement if you expect to maintain a quality living environment while paying off all other bills and debts. 

Did you experience a high-asset divorce? It may be time to discuss the reality of child support costs and what you can reasonably afford. A divorce is an expensive time for both parties– it’s best to stay compassionate and realistic in what you both expect to earn and contribute. 

Dividing by Line Item 

Would you rather just take turns paying for items and activities? If the two of you have been doing this for a while and know what kind of costs should be anticipated, it might be convenient to split expenses based on specific costs. 

Perhaps one parent covers all extracurricular expenses while another pays for a great first day of school outfit. If one parent is more invested in a sport or activity more than the other, they may feel driven to contribute more than their required share. Talk it out! 

How to Determine Shared Expenses  

Are you looking for some quick methods to implement into your shared expenses? Consider some of these tricks to eliminate friction.  

Tracking Spending 

Tracking spending is a core organizational tactic that many households–separated or not– use to keep their finances in line. By keeping receipts and documenting every single charge, you can ensure that both parties are abiding by the agreed-upon child support directive. This can be done both online (spreadsheets or shared docs are convenient) as well as by collecting and keeping all receipts. 

Expense tracking can also be a great communication or “check-in” tool. Keeping the other parent “in the loop” about what expenses have come up and how they were paid for will help to keep things cordial.  No need for surprises or awkward parking lot payouts if you agree to a regular finance meeting. 

Review Trends

If you’re successfully tracking every expense, it’s easy to look back on last year’s expenses. Once you can anticipate what the expected costs are, it’s much easier to come to an exact agreement that doesn’t leave room for frustrating surprises. Managing expectations is one of the best things you can do for this new kind of relationship. 

Reviewing trends is also a great learning experience for you both. By looking over what money was spent unnecessarily or in excess, the two of you can update what might be expected, or budget a little differently. That’s more money in both of your pockets! 

Put Agreements in Writing 

If you are still working out an arrangement, the court may require you to track all expenses to ensure that they qualify for reimbursement or cost-sharing.

If expenses are something your lawyers are keeping track of, it’s best to record them in accordance with your child support agreement, and make any required payments by the date they are expected. 

Even if your arrangement isn’t required by the court, you may want to consider having your agreement added to the court order in order to hold everyone accountable. If this is done, remember that this agreement may need to be amended as the child gets older, and as their expenses start to evolve. 

Co-Parenting App

Are you always on the go? Are you a tech junkie? Do you prefer having everything in one place so it’s easier to track and share? 

If so, a co-parenting app might be the key to a successful school year. 

A financial management system helps you and your co-parent keep track of child-related expenses in one singular place. Name and categorize each expense so it’s clear what each charge is for. Take pictures of receipts for quick uploads and reimbursements on the go. 

A co-parenting app like 2Houses bridges the communication gap between households by releasing a wish list feature to keep your co-parent in the loop of upcoming expenses. You can also send a parent a request to reimburse you for their determined portion of any expenses. No more texting back and forth about money, or using your child as the middleman. 

Once it’s time for tax season, exporting all data into a CSV or PDF will make things easier for you or your accountant. You will never again have to ask for financial documentation from a co-parent in order to complete or file your taxes or see if you qualify for a tax credit. 

Potential Challenges 

The confusing aspect of child support is the lack of guidance or prescribed spending provided by the court. As child support intends to provide for a child’s basic needs, it usually only accounts for: 

  • Housing
  • Food 
  • Clothing

This becomes even more apparent when households are trying to determine where their child will attend school. If parents cannot agree on the type of education their child will receive, it is up to the court to decide. 

The courts will consider the following conditions: 

  • The parents’ respective educational backgrounds
  • The age and grade of the child
  • The current enrollment environment of the child and how long they have attended that particular school
  • How a private school education compares to the quality of education at the public school the child would otherwise attend
  • The financial resources of the parents

These questions certainly don’t have to be answered in court. Bringing these considerations to the table on your own can help you two communicate clearly, and effectively. Communicating with respect, patience, and grace will help you and your former spouse solve the labyrinth that is co-parenting.  

Keep Track of Shared Expenses With One Great Tool

The most important part of keeping a handle on co-parenting expenditures and shared expenses is staying organized. While we can’t promise a completely stress-free school year (read: runny noses, lost textbooks, late mornings), an organized approach that involves splitting costs, methods of payment, deciding what costs are necessary together will keep two co-parents on the same team. 

Is your team looking for the right tool to keep your two houses in order? Start your 14-day trial of 2Houses and discover how the right financial management system can ensure your separate accounts operate in sync. 

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Back to School: Tips for Easier Co-Parenting Relationship

Tips for Easier Co-Parenting Relationship

According to a meta-analysis of 33 studies conducted by psychologist Robert Bauserman, children of divorced parents tend to be more well adjusted when there is a joint custody agreement rather than a sole custody agreement. Many parents who are getting divorced choose to pursue a joint custody agreement, both for the wellbeing of the child and because they both desire to be involved in their child’s life.

Joint custody can allow a child to grow up with the influence of both of their parents. However, it can also create a logistical puzzle to figure out when you factor in work schedules, school schedules, and more.

As the summer comes to a close and school starts back up again, the rhythm of your child’s life will change. This means that your co-parenting relationship will have to shift to accommodate this change.

Are you wondering what you can do to make your co-parenting easier during the back-to-school time? We’ll discuss a number of tips including how a co-parenting app can help keep your schedule and communications organized.

Have Strong and Consistent Communication

It’s important that both parents are informed about their children’s health, academics, and social developments. For this reason, weekly communication should be established.

There are a number of different ways to regularly and frequently communicate regarding your child’s schooling. There isn’t necessarily a right way to do it, but it is important to establish an understanding of the communication avenues for this purpose.

Depending on your relationship with your co-parent, some communication tools might be more appropriate than others. E-mail, texting, and phone calls might be appropriate ways to stay in touch about how your child is doing in school. You can also utilize a co-parenting app to help streamline communication and reduce confusion and disorganization.

Build a Structured Schedule

Building a structured schedule is important both for divorced parents and for their children. For parents, it helps both people keep track of the child’s activities. For children, it helps give them a sense of routine, security, and certainty that is an important part of healthy child development.

When you have a set and agreed-upon schedule, it helps everyone involved understand what is expected of them. Rather than dealing with constant confusion over misunderstood expectations, a structured schedule makes it clear where and when each person is supposed to perform certain duties.

It is completely fine to have a flexible schedule if that works best for the parents and the child. Allowing for flexibility can be important because work schedules can differ and because life can be unpredictable. However, in order for there to not be holes or mistakes made, communication is key.

One of the ways that you can reduce miscommunication in this regard is by using an interactive calendar that allows both parents to schedule and manage changes while eliminating time clashes.

Be Present For School Activities and Events

Even if you and your co-parent have difficulties in getting along, it’s important to be able to come together when it comes to school events and activities. Whether these are sports games, spelling bees, science fairs, school plays, or any other kind of school-related activity, it’s ideal for both parents to attend and show their support for their children.

During this time, it’s important to put the needs of your child first. However, if you and your ex aren’t able to sit together without getting into an argument, you might choose to sit separately to avoid relationship drama seeping into your child’s activity.

Be Attentive During Homework

One of the most important roles a parent plays for a school-age child is to be there when your child needs help with something, including homework. During the time when your child is living with you, take the time to sit down with them and learn what they’re working on and if they have questions.

When you do this, you are demonstrating that you are there to help in all parts of their lives. It can also be good to coordinate with your co-parent about how you plan to help with their schooling.

Don’t Let Drama Impact Your Child’s Academic Life

Divorce can be difficult in many respects, and it isn’t uncommon for there to be hard feelings between co-parents. That being said, it’s important to ensure that the issues between the two of you don’t impact your child’s academic life or overall wellbeing.

You don’t want your child to be distracted from their studies by relationship drama. For this reason, it’s essential that you and your ex are on the same page when it comes to your child’s social and academic needs. When both parents are engaged, it gives the child an important experience of security.

Coordinate Ahead of Time

One of the best ways to avoid conflict and confusion when it comes to co-parenting a school-aged child is to be on the same page. This means coordinating the details ahead of time. When it comes to parent-teacher conferences, school supplies, and how information will be exchanged, you will want to create an outline and understanding ahead of time.

You will need to create routines for things like extra-curricular activities, pickups and drop-offs, inclement weather, and emergency scenarios.

There are always going to be events in life that you can’t anticipate and plan for. However, you can leave a lot more room for dealing with this type of event by being organized and realistic about routine activities ahead of time.

The better able you are to plan for potential contingencies down the road, the fewer confrontations or miscommunications will occur.

Discuss the Cost of School Supplies

When you are splitting custody of your children, there is obviously a financial aspect to be taken into account. You should be considerate of how the costs of school supplies will be dealt with ahead of time. The last thing you want is for your child to need something for school and for the process to be derailed by confusion or conflict.

Talking about this ahead of time also ensures that your child doesn’t end up with duplicate supplies or isn’t missing particular things they need.

Take a look at this article for more tips on keeping track of shared expenses.

Meet Teachers Together

Ideally, it is best for both parents to get to know the teachers of their children. You can also take this opportunity to let teachers know about your family’s living arrangements and situation.

Divorce can be hard on children, and this can sometimes manifest itself in emotional outbursts, behavioral problems, learning challenges, and more. When you are straightforward with their teachers about what is going on at home, it opens a door of communication and keeps them informed. This also means that you might be better equipped to stay on top of any issues as they are arising.

Disclose Information

In a co-parenting situation, it’s important that both parents are aware of all of the details of a child’s academic life. This includes information about afterschool activities, major projects, grades, and lunch menus. You can help make the job of co-parenting easier for both of you by sharing copies of important deadlines and schedules, which can keep you both up to speed.

Create a Shared Calendar

One great tool that can help make it easy to share information and schedules is a shared calendar. This can also reduce direct communication between you and your ex, which might help to reduce the opportunity for conflict if there are still relationship issues that haven’t been worked out.

How to Increase Your Chances of Co-Parenting Success

One study found that children who are raised by co-parents that work cooperatively together have fewer behavioral issues. These children also tend to have closer relationships with their fathers than kids who are raised by a single parent or hostile co-parents. Here are a few tips to help you increase your chances of success when it comes to co-parenting.

Let Go of the Past

It’s important to never vent your frustrations about your ex to your child. These feelings are best shared with a therapist or close friends or family members. If you have nothing but contempt for your ex, it will be very difficult to successfully co-parent.

Keep the Focus on the Child

The most important thing for you to focus on in the present is what is best for your child. It can be difficult to move beyond past relationship issues but being unable to do so can take the focus away from what matters most.

Communicate

Good communication is absolutely essential as a part of co-parenting. Some guidelines you will want to follow include:

  • Be respectful, clear, businesslike, and concise when you are communicating
  • Keep email and texting communications brief and to the point
  • Set and stick with boundaries you have set up about the appropriate time of day for sending messages to one another
  • Communicate directly if possible rather than through an intermediary
  • Be cooperative when you are in communication

So much confusion, pain, and difficulty can be created when we fail to communicate clearly and with good intentions. For this reason, it’s essential to focus on sticking with these guidelines and the guidelines you’ve set with your co-parent.

Listen Actively

Communication has two halves: one is speaking and one is active listening. Work to make sure that your co-parent feels both heard and understood. Be sure to avoid interrupting them when they speak and take turns speaking.

It can be helpful to repeat what your co-parent said in your own words after they have spoken. You can then ask if you understand correctly what they have said. This helps ensure miscommunication doesn’t occur.

Work Together and Support One Another

For the best interest of your child, it’s important that you learn to work together. Mutually agreed-upon rules should be abided by. These include things relating to bedtime, curfew, screen time, diet, or other aspects of life.

Plan Ahead For Vacations and Holidays

Co-parents can struggle with dealing with vacation and holiday time. However, these times of the year can be made much easier by planning ahead of time and good communication.

It’s best to always give as much notice in advance as possible when it comes to these plans. When you are traveling with your kids, give your co-parent contact information so they will know where you are and how to reach you.

It’s good to practice consistency when it comes to holidays, too. If your child usually spent Thanksgiving with your ex’s side of the family and Christmas with your side of the family before you split up, it’s best to keep the routine the same if possible.

Check out this article for helpful information about creating a schedule for the summer.

Be Willing to Compromise

Compromise is just as important in a co-parenting relationship as it was when you two were still together. It’s always best to work towards a solution that you can both live with when you don’t agree on an issue.

Are You Looking For the Right Co-Parenting App?

When you start a co-parenting relationship, it can seem difficult and overwhelming at first. However, many of the issues that can crop up can be mitigated by organization and communication. Putting in the time and effort to come up with a plan that works for both of you as well as for your child can go a long way.

Staying organized can be one of the biggest challenges when it comes to co-parenting. Using a co-parenting app can be a major help when it comes to removing stress from a two-house arrangement. If you’re looking to improve communication and organization between you and your co-parent, learn more about 2houses here.

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Out-of-State Custody Arrangements: Creating a Workable Agreement

Out-of-State Custody Arrangements

Did you know that in 2018, America had roughly 780,000 divorces? That’s about one divorce every 60 seconds!

Consequently, this adds a lot of heartache due to things such as split custody, lawyer fees, and emotional turmoil. Nobody wins in a divorce. However, the ones who usually suffer the most are children.

This is because kids don’t fully understand what’s happening; they can’t quite comprehend the shifts taking place. This is further compounded when moving states and split custody enter the picture.

But, even in the midst of such tragedy, there is hope. The opportunity for a better tomorrow lies beyond the struggles of today.

And while painful, the sting of divorce can be somewhat soothed when split custody schedule ideas and agreements are introduced.

As a result, parents and kids can maintain their relationships with one another. In this article, you will get split custody schedule ideas to help you cope with your divorce.

What is Split Custody?

Split custody is the arrangement for your children following a divorce. Who goes where and for how long?

For example, after a divorce, your child may live with their mother during the school year but then move in and live with you for the summer months.

Split custody is a mutual agreement decided on by the parents and then approved by the courts. Or if the parents are unable to agree, a judge will come to a conclusion for both of them.

Split Custody Schedule Ideas

If your divorce has separated you from your kids by a few states, don’t fret. You have options.

You can set up a split custody schedule for long distances; this kind of arrangement will keep everyone happy. Here are a few things to keep in mind for how to do it.

Travel Expenses

How will your child reach your home? What kind of transportation did you have in mind?  Furthermore, who will cover the cost? You? Your ex-spouse? Or will you divide it between the two of you?

Parents Visiting From Out of State

You could also reach an agreement with your ex-spouse to come to visit your child or vice versa. Your ex-spouse could also come to your neck of the woods, too. This is good for a multitude of reasons.

First, it prevents your child from always bouncing back and forth. That’s not good for their mental health. Second, it keeps the custody arrangement from becoming too lopsided.

And last, it fosters stability in your child when they see their parents acting amicably toward each other.

Holidays, Vacations, and Special Occasions

A good idea you could ponder is to set up visiting arrangements around your kid’s schedule. Ponder your child’s life.

For example, consider summer vacations, Christmas holidays, fall and spring breaks, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, and long weekends. These are prime times for a workable split custody schedule.

By taking into consideration your child’s arrangements, you can plan get-togethers that will result in better experiences.

In the same way you have priorities in your life, your child also has obligations as well. They may not be on the same scale as yours, but your kid still has them nonetheless.

So it’s important to plan around them when it’s most convenient for your young one, and the best times to do that are during holidays and special occasions.

Communicate

You always want to stay in touch with your child, and not just when making plans. If you’re the removed parent, put in the effort to keep the lines of communication open as often as possible.

Whether it’s through a phone call, a casual text message, or a Zoom meeting, try to keep in touch. This is important for keeping the bond intact, and as a result, strengthening the relationship.

More Long Distance Schedule Ideas

When living out of state, your child lives with your ex-spouse and visits you. For this reason, it’s good to have as many ideas as possible to make seeing your child effortless.

So here are a few more things to consider:

  • Living Arrangements – Your child can live with you one part of the year and move in with the other parent for the next
  • Monthly Visits – You allow for visitation monthly on each long weekend (most months have at least one long weekend)
  • When School is Out – Whenever school break commences, the out-of-state parent gets the child
  • Undetermined – When you and your child’s schedules match up, you visit each other

Mix and match these choices as much as you see fit. Each one provides flexibility for both parent and child.

Age Considerations

It’s also important to factor in your child’s age, as this will play a role in your split custody schedule. Younger kids who aren’t in school have more free time, but this changes once they get a bit older.

Middle school kids and teenagers usually have friends, classes, and other extracurricular activities. As a result, it’s important to adjust your schedule appropriately.

In addition, some teenagers may even have a job already; it’s common for kids to start working around that age.

The primary goal is to create a schedule that works for everyone, especially the kids. You don’t want to interrupt their lives too much with the out-of-state moves.

Therefore, it’s crucial to keep a pulse on what’s happening in their lives and actively communicate with each other.

Cooperation is Needed For Out-of-State Moving

Whether you’re moving or your ex-spouse is, it’s important you’re on a similar wavelength. You must be on the same page. With the two of you on good terms, this will give you some leeway in your visitation plans. 

Besides, out-of-state schedule planning is hard, so everybody has to cooperate and be on board for things to work. 

The Importance of a Split Custody Agreement

Try finding common ground with your former partner. Just because you split doesn’t mean you can’t still be amicable with them. In fact, the whole idea behind split custody is to find that meeting point. 

Settling child custody disputes in a polite and good-natured way will make everybody’s lives easier, especially your kids’.

With this in mind, coming to an agreement with your former partner should be the main objective. A good split custody agreement will ensure that everyone’s needs are met. This allows for cohesion to take place.

Which State Makes the Final Call?

Excluding Massachusetts and Vermont, all states adhere to the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJA).  This entails that the choice of where the child resides comes from the state where the child was born.

For instance, if the child was born in Texas, but then moved to Florida, then Texas would have the authoritative entity.

But there’s always an exception to every rule, and this one is no different. One exception is if your child needs to be taken away due to security concerns. 

To illustrate, if your ex-spouse was unfit to care for your child and you were living out of state, that would be grounds for your child’s removal. The non-home state may be deemed as your child’s new residence.

Ways to Change Visitations and Custody Arrangements

There is a simple method to change your custody agreement. Talk it out with your former partner. In spite of anything you’ve heard, this is usually the simplest course of action.

Once you clear everything and the two of you are in agreement, get it approved by the courts. If you’re on good terms with each other, this shouldn’t be a problem. 

However, that may not always be the case, especially if your divorce was rather hostile. In that scenario, you’d appeal to the court to have a trial so that a judge can settle the dispute.

Dealing With Logistics

This is important. Managing the distance comes down to having the details of your child’s travel plans sorted out. And the good news is, you have options with this as well. 

Here are a few choices to consider that can be quite helpful in solving this logistics problem.

Negotiate

Generally speaking, the parent who moved pays for the child’s travel. But that doesn’t mean there can’t be compromises. On the contrary, coming to a mutual agreement with your former partner can be easier than you think.

Travel expenses can add up quickly, even for a young child. There is the plane ticket, car rides from the airport, trains, Ubers, or even buses. By negotiating with your ex-spouse, you can work out a deal.

Maybe you can cover certain schooling or other types of expenses for your child down the line. This will more than make up for the financial favor you’re asking for upfront.

Fly Alone Programs

Otherwise known as unaccompanied minor programs, these are tailored to kids who are too young to fly solo. 

The program offers an airline worker to accompany and safeguard your child during the flight. The employee will watch your child from when one parent drops them off until the other picks them up. 

Most airlines offer this service, so you shouldn’t be hardpressed to find one that can help you. But be sure that you’re checking beforehand just to be safe. 

Sustaining a Long-Distance Relationship

Always remain in contact with your children. Even if it’s only a weekly or bi-weekly chat, do it.

When it comes to relationship sustainability, especially with children, something is always better than nothing.

And for the purpose of maintaining the connection with your kids, this is a necessity.

Here are a couple of pointers to keep in mind:

Digital Chats

Everything is conducted online these days. Why not use the same medium to connect with your children? There are plenty of ways to do this; you can use Zoom, Skype, or even your own phone.

With Facetime, WhatsApp, and other face-to-face communication methods, you can always be in touch with your kids.

As a result, you can maintain that connection until you see each other in person again. 

Emotional Support

Encourage your child to contact you whenever something interesting happens. Big or small, it doesn’t matter.

Of course, this will depend on both of your schedules.

However, by encouraging this open communication, it creates the conditions for your child to feel your unwavering love and support.

If your child knows they can contact you for anything, and you’ll always be there, it strengthens your emotional bond. This will cause you to feel like a pillar in their life, and they’ll feel loved and connected to you. 

Start a Ritual

Develop some kind of tradition or routine with your child when they are in town. This builds excitement in kids.

For instance, every time your child visits you, you could take him or her to their favorite restaurant, go to the cinema to watch a new release, or even just go for ice cream.

Show your youngster that your place is not only stable but also fun and refreshing. As a result, it will solidify your child’s fondness for you, and they’ll look forward to visiting every time.

Make Your Out-of-State Custody Agreement Work

Whatever the condition you’re in following your divorce, it’s important to make the most of it. Keep your head up. With a good attitude and cordial communication with your ex, you can turn things around.

And by doing so, find a way to make your out-of-state split custody agreement work for you.

If you enjoyed this article but still feel as if you need extra assistance, don’t hesitate. Be sure to sign up today and join 181,590 other families in 170 countries that we’ve helped so far. 

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