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The Importance of the Right of First Refusal Custody Orders

The right of first refusal

Did you know that in 51% of cases, both parents agreed that mom should be the custodial parent? However, where does that leave the other parent? The answer is the right of refusal. 

If you’re unsure what it means, don’t worry, with this guide you can find out! From learning its definition to its pros and cons, the right of first refusal custody can give you just what you want: more time with your child. Yes, that’s correct with the right of first refusal; you can spend an extended amount of time with your kid. 

Now, are you ready to learn how? Here’s an in-depth look at the right of first refusal: 

What Is the Right of First Refusal? 

The right of first refusal or first option for child care is a broad term to describe a child custody provision. It notes that if the custodial parent is unable to be with the child during their allotted time (whether due to school, work, or other engagements) that the other parent is given the option before any other child care options (like daycare, nannies, and babysitters).

The idea is to provide what’s best for the child’s development by placing them in the care of a parent. Since children need to spend as much time as possible with a parent, rather than with a child care provider, this provision is highly regarded. In fact, children who spend long hours with a child care provider are more likely to develop aggressive behavior and poor social skills. Thus, this provision lookouts for the child’s interests and how best to raise him or her.   

Also, it protects your rights as a parent to be with your child. Extended family and even stepparents do not have legal authority over your child, rather you do.

By having the right of the first refusal, you protect your rights to be with your child when the child is not in the custody of the other parent. That way, you can spend time with your child during the divorce process. 

Advantages and Disadvantages

Like anything in life, the right of first refusal has advantages and disadvantages that might not suit each individual couple. Make sure to keep these circumstances in mind when considering fighting for the right of first refusal. 

Pros 

The right of first refusal can help parents manage custody. Since both parents have around equal time with their child. Neither will feel jealous or threaten by the other.  

Instead, it promotes a healthy co-parenting dynamic where parents can communicate with one another. Parents can discuss parent time exchanges and how best to raise their kid. Effective communication between parents is fundamental since it provides a stable environment for children. 

In fact, effective communication in the home will stay with kids throughout the rest of their lives. It will set an example of how to sharing feelings, thoughts, and expressions. It also teaches kids the meaning of a secure relationship.  

Since parents can enjoy one-on-one time with their kids, the right of refusal allows a unique relationship to be developed. In fact, it allows parents to bond and spend time with their children. A recent study found children are most affected by the quality of parenting time rather than the quantity. 

Therefore, a weekend is not just a weekend; instead, it’s an opportunity to get to know your growing child. You may want to set off on an afternoon adventure or use your imagination to become a superhero. You may even become the designated homeworker helper. Just make sure to be involved in their lives and actively participate in childlike games or activities.  

Thus, the right of refusal, when done properly, can help your child succeed in life. It can also help you develop a special relationship with your child as well as help improve communication with your ex. 

Cons

However, the right of first refusal is not for everyone. Since it relies on effective communication, parents who already struggle to communicate might find it challenging to request parenting time. 

How parents communicate requests, however, sometimes determines how successful they are. For example, if a parent simply sends a vague text message that might not be sufficient enough. A parent may want a short phone call where details of the exchange are discussed first. 

At the end of the day, communication is essential in these situations. Parents need to understand what they want, what they need, and ultimately, what is best for their child. 

For the right of first refusal to work properly, parents must trust one another. They should both also understand what’s expected of them in terms of communication and in parenting exchanges.

For instance, is your child allowed to stay up past ten, eat ice cream for breakfast, or not do chores? These are the types of questions that should be discussed with your ex. 

If you two cannot agree, the right of first refusal will only disrupt your child’s life more. In fact, it will make your child’s life confusing and chaotic as both you will have a different set of rules he or she has to obey.  

Who Is It Good For? 

Whether the right for refusal works for you depends on many components. However, here are a few situations where the first right of refusal is generally successful:  

If you and your ex communicate well together, then it’s a good sign that the right of refusal will work. The right of refusal requires regular communication, and parents must do so civilly. 

Of course, communication is a learned skill. However, parents must try not to argue too much. If parents argue on a regular basis, then it can spread tension throughout the household. Your child may get confused or even upset by your fighting. Thus, parents who can communicate their feelings in a calm and understanding manner will have a greater chance of success. 

If you and your ex work well with each other, then it’s likely the right of refusal will be a good option for both of you. Being able to work with flexibility, cooperation, and understanding allows for good co-parenting techniques. 

It also shows your child good teamwork skills and proper communication methods. Parents who practice these skills will notice an increase in self-confidence and self-esteem. 

Thus, it’s likely your child will mirror your feelings and have an increase in self-esteem too. Parents may need help establishing guidelines at first, although parents who work well together will benefit from the right for refusal.  

If either your ex or yourself have difficult schedules, the right to refusal can help with that. Whether it’s due to work, school, or other engagements, if you’re unavailable during your allotted time, that’s where your ex can step in. 

By having someone there to support your child, you don’t have to worry about him or her being looked after by strangers. Instead, your child can be in the safe hands of family. 

Who Is It Not Good For?   

Sometimes a right of refusal would make a situation worse rather than better. Here are a few common situations:

If, for example, there’s been a history of domestic violence between you and your ex, you might want to think twice before agreeing to the right of refusal. Whether there’s been restraining order placed or not, it’s likely not a good idea. 

You see, it could cause more harm to you and your child since you would have to regularly interact and communicate with your ex to discuss the needs of your child. It’s better if you come up with another custody arrangement that better suits your needs. 

If your ex has limited time due to supervised visitation, it would not be advised to seek the right of first refusal. It’s in the child’s best interest to stay full time with a parent that has a stable job and can provide a stable home life for the child.  

If you and your ex live far away from each other, the right of refusal cannot work practically. While it can be accommodated, in theory, however in practice, it won’t work out. It’s best to work out custody arrangements in another way. 

How to Fight for the Right of First Refusal

In some situations, not all parents will agree on the right of first refusal instead; sometimes parents will want to fight for it. This can happen if the custodial parent does not trust that the non-custodial parent can look after the child during their parenting time. 

Factors may be based on an unsafe neighborhood, past criminal history, or struggles with mental health or addiction. However, without an agreement from both parents, a right of first refusal cannot be implemented.   

A right of first refusal can be included after custody is determined. Although it would require modification through the court system. In order for a right of refusal to be applied, the non-custodial parent must prove why having the right of first refusal is beneficial.  

There are numerous ways; one could prove such an argument. For example, you can provide convincing testimony, documents, text messages, or have a witness testify on your behalf.  

You may win your case, if the court finds that the custodial parent is making arrangements only for themselves, but doesn’t grant you, the non-custodial parent, time aside from the allotted time provided by the custody calendar. 

Not only are the custodial parent hurting you their ex and co-parent, but your children as well. Your children need time with both parents, and since they’re losing out on that quality time, they might have decreased self-confidence. 

Also, the tension that spurs from not seeing your child might foster within the family dynamics and spread unnecessary stress. It’s best to talk a lawyer and fight for the right of refusal as needed. That way, you’ll know if it’s best to communicate your needs through the court system or if maybe you should wait it out and see if your ex responds favorably to your requests.  

How to Avoid Conflict During the Right to Refusal  

While the right of refusal does encourage children to spend more time with both parents, although conflict can make it difficult for parents to plan parent time exchanges. It’s best to keep each other informed about any uncertain plans that may require adjustments to be made. That way, no arguments break out, or tensions are flared. Rather everyone’s on the same page about the family schedule, including children. 

Children should be kept in the loop and told as much information about who is spending time with who. That way, children are less confused as to why they are spending this weekend with mommy vs. this weekend with daddy.  

Are You Ready to Fight for the Right of First Refusal Custody?  

The right of first refusal custody protects your rights to be with your child as a parent. That way, you can spend quality one-on-one time getting to know your child and watching him or her grow up. 

Just remember the right to the first refusal is centered around effective communication. Thus, if you and your ex struggle to communicate, the right of refusal might not be the correct custody strategy for you. Although if you two work well as a team, you’ll have a greater chance of success. 

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50/50 Custody: How to Make Arrangements Work

50/50 custody

Studies have found that children who spend at least 35% of their time with each of their parents have better academic, social, and psychological outcomes. Joint custody is becoming more common and courts are eager to settle on agreements whereby children get to spend time with both of their parents.

In some instances of joint custody, there is one parent with primary custody. In other words, they have physical care of the child more frequently and they often make the majority of the child’s legal decisions, as well. What about in cases of 50/50 custody?

50/50 custody is exactly what it sounds like. Both parents share equal responsibility, equal physical care, and equal legal care. The question is, how do two divorced parents make 50/50 custody work?

Read on to find out more about what you and your former partner can do to get and maintain 50/50 custody!

What Do You Need to Prove to Get 50/50 Custody?

For starters, custody laws vary by state. While all states will consider granting joint custody, they may take into account different factors when making this decision. For example, many states heavily consider the child’s personal wishes while others focus primarily on each parent’s practical ability to provide for the child.

In order to get 50/50 custody, there are a few factors that are almost always required of both parents. 

Location

Some joint custody agreements can be reached even when parents live in separate states. For example, some courts will rule that a parent can have joint legal custody from afar. Some children will spend summers with one parent and the school year with another.

However, with a 50/50 custody agreement, it is imperative that the parents live in the same area. Since the child will spend time with both of you equally, you will both be responsible for getting them to school, extracurriculars, doctor’s appointments, and more.

Living close by ensures that your child will maintain stability even as they move between both households on a regular basis!

Financial Stability and Availability

Although love and support is always a key factor in custody agreements, the court must consider money, too. While you or your former spouse might agree to shoulder more of the financial responsibility for raising your child, the court needs to ensure that you are both capable of providing necessities. That way, even if your informal agreements change in the future, the child’s needs will still be covered. 

At the same time that financial stability will improve your odds of getting 50/50 custody, you will also need to prove that you are available for this kind of parenting schedule. The court will want to know what kind of hours you work, how often you are required to travel, and how flexible your job is in the event of an emergency.

For example, will your boss let you leave work early if you get a call from your child’s school saying that they are ill? How often will you need help from a nanny, babysitter, or child care program? If one parent is substantially less available than the other, the court will probably push for the available parent to have primary joint custody. 

Emotional Connection and Involvement

Emotional connection is where your child’s wishes come into play most heavily. You are most likely to get a 50/50 custody agreement if you can demonstrate that your child is has a deep emotional connection with both of you, rather than one over the other. 

Studies have found that gender bias often comes into play, even in a court of law. Many people operate on the belief that mothers have deeper connections with their children and the innate ability to stay involved in their child’s life. Unfortunately, this gender bias does contribute to the difficulty fathers may face in trying to fight for their own custody rights.

An emotional connection may be hard to measure, which is why establishing involvement is crucial in custody cases. If you are hoping for a 50/50 custody agreement, it is imperative that you both document evidence of their even involvement in your child’s life. 

Emotional and Mental Stability

Now is the time to set aside any personal disagreements and work together to show the court that you both believe in each other’s ability to raise your child. No matter how much the court wants to grant 50/50 custody for the sake of the child, they can only do so if they’re certain that both parents are willing to cooperate with one another.

Note that emotional and mental stability extends beyond your treatment of one another. If either parent has a history of mental illness that could reasonably put themselves or the child in danger, the path towards custody may be strained. The court will need to see that the parent in question is actively participating in a treatment plan and that the treatment plan is effective. 

We Got 50/50 Custody. Now What?

Most states will want to see some kind of parenting plan before they officially grant 50/50 custody. Parenting plans cover the basic weekly schedule as well as decision-making methods you will use, amongst other things. 

50/50 custody is a fantastic option for many children but it does require some serious thought and work on the parents’ end. We’re going to talk about some of the things you can do to make 50/50 custody work. Not only will these considerations help you talk through your parenting plan but they’ll help you find ways to work together as a team in spite of your separation.

Stay on the Same Page

We’re all human, right? It’s not unthinkable that miscommunications will occur. For example, you might think your former spouse agreed to watch your child this weekend when they actually said next weekend.

To avoid these kinds of mishaps, take advantage of growing technology to stay on the same page. Manage your calendar, shared financial responsibilities, and more with online tools and services. Synchronizing your availability, responsibilities, and even your observations about your child’s development will ensure that you both have all of the resources available to work as a team from separate households. 

Plan Your Flexibility

Planning your flexibility sounds counterintuitive, but hear us out. You can’t predict the unforeseen but you can come up with a gameplan to deal with last-minute changes to your schedule!

Imagine scenarios in which one parent becomes indisposed.

For example, what will you do if the parent who is scheduled to pick up your child from school experiences car trouble? Will the other parent fill in? Is there a trusted friend or relative you can both call upon in these types of situations? 

Having multiple back-up plans is a great way to avoid frustration and confusion. Remember that although you may both be two single parents, you are raising the same child. What happens to the child when one or both of you run into unexpected circumstances is still the business of both parents. 

Establish a Mode of Communication and Connection

It’s not always easy to keep lines of communication open with a former partner. You may have interpersonal problems that make communication difficult or unpleasant. For that reason, it’s best to come up with a day-to-day communication and connection plan that will cause the least amount of stress or strain. 

If talking on the phone opens the door to negative conversations unrelated to your child, consider relying on texting or email for your regular correspondence. Keep all discussions focused on the child and your responsibilities as parents. 

As far as connection goes, we’re referring to the moments when you may come into face-to-face contact out of necessity. For example, you may both be present for drop-offs, doctors’ appointments, and parent-teacher conferences. You may want to establish ground rules in advance.

Remember that in emergencies, your typical methods and ground rules may have to be set aside. For example, while you may avoid phone calls on a regular basis, they are still the fastest and most direct way to reach one another. Setting aside personal differences for the sake of your child is always the sign of strong parenthood!

Get Connected to Make 50/50 Custody Work

Parents who get 50/50 custody of their child are in a unique situation. In spite of their separation, they must maintain a certain degree of closeness in order to parent as a team.

For that reason, there are parenting tools affordable and easy to set up, access, and use. 

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Amicable Divorce: 4 Tips for Keeping Good Communication

Keeping good communication

So you’re committed to an amicable divorce. Congratulations! Maintaining a friendly relationship with someone who used to be your spouse is never easy. It’s worth doing, especially when there are kids involved. No matter your intentions, an amicable divorce can turn nasty quickly – usually due to poor communication. Keep your split civil with these simple tips.

Put Things in Writing

Even when things are amicable, divorce can cause a lot of tension. When your emotions are raw, it’s too easy to say something cruel or nasty to your ex without thinking it through. Relying a lot on written communication is one way to minimize the chance of saying something you regret.

Make an agreement to communicate regularly by email, especially about sensitive topics. This gives you both a chance to express everything you want to say without interrupting each other. It might also be easier to be kind to each other in writing than it is in person.

For example, maybe you really disagree about the holiday schedule. Write out a full proposal about what you want to happen and why you think it’s fair. Include some language about how you know you’re both motivated to spend time with the kids, and that you want to make the holiday schedule work for all of you. Reread the email before sending it to make sure it’s calm and polite. Your ex can process everything you said before responding.

Schedule Checkins

When you were married, you crossed paths every day. It was easy to exchange information and compare notes about something going on with the kids. Now that you’re divorced, staying on the same page takes real effort. Things that you should remember to tell your ex could slip your mind, and vice versa. Then the blame game starts.

That’s why it’s so useful to schedule regular just-because checkins. These could be weekly phone calls, or biweekly emails, or whatever works for your family and your needs. Use each checkin as a time to touch base about any issues going on with the kids, and to look ahead to any challenges that might be coming up for them. Even better, meet up in a neutral place like a coffee shop and talk face-to-face so your kids know you can still be friendly.

Be Honest With the Kids

While you’re focused on having good communication with your ex, don’t forget about communicating with the kids. Having an amicable divorce is great for children in a lot of ways. They’re spared the fighting and tension that kids of nasty divorces live through. But watching their parents go through an amicable divorce can be really confusing for kids, too. If Mom and Dad get along so well, why are they getting divorced? Is it my fault? And if they’re still friends, can I get them back together?

As you work on communication with your ex, make sure to do regular checkins with the children, too. Encourage them to ask any questions they have. Talk about how you and your ex are still family, but you can’t live as spouses anymore, and that’s okay.

Have a Place to Vent

You got divorced for a reason. Even if it’s amicable, you’ll have plenty of low and frustrating moments while dealing with your ex. They might drive you absolutely crazy. In those worst moments, yelling at your co-parent would feel great. They might even deserve it! But in such an intense situation, just one fight could be destructive. It’s not worth ruining your treaty with your spouse just because it feels good to tell them off.

In order to maintain good communication with your ex, you have to have somewhere else to go with your negative feelings about the situation. It could be a friend who is always willing to listen to you talk, or a therapist or another type of counselor. A support group for people going through a divorce is another option. If all else fails, write or draw about your feelings in a journal – anything to keep you from exploding on your ex or kids.

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Sole or shared custody: How to create a custody calendar?

Coparenting calendar

Custody calendar is one of 2houses’s hottest functions! Whether you have sole custody or shared custody, every other weekend, a week, two or three. Whatever it is, it is you who makes the plans, and 2houses can help you from the beginning to the end. We will here create a custom custody calendar.

To create your first custody calendar, just follow these steps:

1) First, click on “Calendar” on the upper menu, then “Parenting schedules“. Finally, click on “Create your first parenting schedule“:Create a calendar

 

 

 

 

2) Now, select children concerned by the custody calendar:Custody calendar

 

 

 

3) Select the parenting schedule model that corresponds to yours and follow the prompts. In this example, we will choose to create it manually:create a calendar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4) Choose a start date and select a date after “Repeats until…“.  Click on the first day of the week, and click on which parent the children will spend the night at. Do the same for the following days/weeks. Add a week by clicking on “Add a week” to define the second week of the custody. If your custody is defined for more than two weeks, click on “Add a week to this schedule” and configure your calendar. When all information is completed, click on “Create this parenting schedule”. If your custody is not repeating, check the box “Is not repeated and applies until….”shared parenting

 

5) The system shows a list of the exchange times, when your children change from you to the other parent and vice versa. You can choose (or not) a place and time for the exchanges. If you haven’t defined any time and place, leave the box “There is no specified place and time” checked. If it’s not the case, uncheck the box and enter a place and a time for the exchanges you want. Once you’ve added places and times click, “Update exchange times and places” at the bottom of the page.exchange date and time

 

6)  Your schedule is now displayed in the “Parenting schedules” list. You can delete it or edit it by clicking on the pencil to the right.

The schedule is now displayed in your calendar (according to the color the users of the account have chosen).

 

 

 

 

 

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Parenting in the Land of The Midnight Sun: What to Know About Alaska Child Support

Alaska Child support

What to Know About Alaska Child Support?

In 2018, Alaska had one of the highest divorce rates in America. Statistics on how many of those couples had children at the time of their divorce aren’t clear. However, a 2019 study found that Alaska’s most searched phrase relating to divorce was “child custody.”

Going through a divorce is difficult. Coping with emotional stressors while also parsing out legal ownership of property is difficult enough. For many couples, helping their children cope with this major life change while also determining issues of custody and child support is the hardest part of a divorce.

We get many questions about Alaska child support. Each state has its own laws and determinations dictating who is required to pay child support and how much they must pay.

Read on for our guide to Alaska child support so you can navigate this difficult time knowledgeably and focus on what is best for your children.

The Basics of Alaska Child Support

Both state and federal laws state that child support is not optional, nor can it be waived. Ultimately, these laws are in place to ensure that every child of divorce is taken care of to the best of both parents’ abilities.

The first thing you and your former partner will need to decide upon is a parenting plan. While this plan will eventually be codified by law, it should begin with an open and honest reflection of both parents’ desires and availability as well as the child’s needs. While some couples are able to figure this out between the two of them, others may request the help of a mediator.

There are two distinct components to a parenting plan.

The first is the parenting schedule. This includes the days and times that a child will be with each parent. It also includes decisions about who will provide transportation of the child and who will fund that transportation.

The second is the decision making. In other words, parents will need to decide who has the responsibility of making major decisions regarding health, education, and social issues for the child. Some parents decide to make these decisions together while others agree that one parent will have more (or all) of that deciding power.

Once the parents have decided on a parenting plan, the judge in charge of their case will weigh in and make the final decision. The judge will consider a number of factors relating to the child’s best interest. These factors range from the love and affection between the child and each parent to the ability each parent has to meet the child’s needs.

Four Types of Legal Parenting Schedules in Alaska

The court will use one of four terms to describe a legally agreed-upon parenting schedule. The one you and your partner settle on will affect the amount of child support you will pay.

  1. Primary physical custody entails that one parent has the child more than 70% of the year. That means that in one year, one parent will have the child for at least 256 overnights.
  2. Shared physical custody entails that the child is with each parent for at least 30% of the year. That means each parent would have the child for at least 110 overnights.
  3. Divided custody applies when the parents have more than one child together. It is considered divided custody when one parent has primary custody of one child and the other parent has primary custody of another child.
  4. Hybrid custody also applies when the parents have more than one child together. It entails that while one parent may have primary custody of one child, shared custody applies to one or more of their other children.

What if One Parent is Moving Out of State?

In some cases, one parent may want to move to a new state. This will affect the judge’s decision about the legal parenting schedule.

Let’s look at an example. Say you and your partner have raised your child in Alaska for the child’s entire life and one parent wants to leave Alaska. The judge may decide that the parent staying in Alaska will receive primary custody if continuity and stability are deemed important factors in the child’s life.

However, if the moving parent had a credible case for bringing the child with them, the judge would examine the reasons behind their choice to move. They would look for reasons that the move was legitimate. For example, if the parent was moving for the sake of a promotion or to access better childcare for the child, the judge may rule in favor of that parent.

The parent paying child custody would be held to the laws the child is living in. In other words, if the child moved to or remained in Alaska, the parent would abide by Alaska child custody laws regardless of their own place of living.

In the event that you and your former spouse will no longer be living in the same state, prepare your child for the absence of a parent. The more you communicate with them, the easier it will be for them to understand why this change has occurred and adjust to their new circumstances!

How is Child Support Calculated?

When you’re calculating child support, you will always start with this basic formula: Gross Income – Deductions = Adjusted Income 

Further along, we will discuss the various expenses that count as deductions in this case. For now, let’s talk at length about the way your Adjusted Income (or AI) relates to the different Alaska child support payments.

The most straightforward child support calculation is in the case of primary custody. The non-custodial will be expected to pay the following:

  • 1 kid: AI x 20%
  • 2 kids: AI x 27%
  • 3 kids: AI x 33%

If you have more than 3 kids, add an additional 3% for each child.

Because child support calculations are more complicated in the case of shared, divided, or hybrid custody, we will link you to an Alaska child support calculator for each one. These calculations will vary based on the separate incomes of both you and your former spouse. They will also vary based on the length of time you each care for your child or children.

How Much Child Support Do I Owe?

In the state of Alaska, child support payments are to be made once a month. In other words, you will need to divide the percentage of your AI that you owe for child support by 12. This will show you the amount you owe in monthly installments.

Alaska child support laws determine that child support is due until the child is 19 years of age in certain circumstances. If the child is still in high school or is living with their custodial parent and unmarried at age 18, child support is still due until their 19th birthday.

We know that there are some months where bills and other expenses pile up. As much as parents want to make every child support payment on time, it doesn’t always happen. Note that in Alaska, you can be charged up to 6% interest on late child support payments.

What is Deductible from My Gross Annual Income?

Calculating your AI can be a bit confusing. Let’s talk a bit about what counts as your Gross Annual Income and what expenses or payments you can deduct from that.

Your Gross Annual Income includes wages and disability pay. It also includes SSDI, unemployment, and work benefits such as meals or housing. Finally, it includes any non-taxable benefits you may receive from the military or similar organization.

Now let’s talk a bit about what you can deduct from your Gross Annual Income. Because this can get a bit confusing, it can be helpful to work with a lawyer or mediator to figure out not only what your deductibles are but how much of your Gross Annual Income they account for.

The list of deductible income includes, but is not limited to, the following:

  • Federal taxes that are owed
  • State unemployment insurance
  • Medicare and Social Security
  • Mandatory and voluntary retirement contributions
  • Childcare paid for the child or children in question that you cover so that you can work
  • Child support you owe for a child from a previous relationship

Note that this list does not include all deductibles but rather the most commonly cited deductibles.

If you are paying child support for a child living in Alaska but you live in another state, record the taxes you pay. This includes state and local taxes and these are also deductible.

Focus On Your Child’s Needs

Getting through a divorce and figuring out Alaska child support laws can be difficult. Remember, as you go through this process, that things will reach a new normal soon and that this stress is only temporary. In the meantime, focus as much of your attention as you can on your child’s needs.

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The Importance of Establishing Healthy Co-Parenting Communication

The Importance of Establishing Healthy Co-Parenting Communication

It might not be easy to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship, but it’s worth it.

Learning how to move past your individual differences to create an environment that helps your children thrive is essential to their development. When joint custody works well, it can help children feel stability, security, and adoration at a time when they need it the most.

One of the pillars of successful co-parenting? Clear and consistent communication.

While it might be easiest to steer clear of your ex-spouse and avoid contact altogether, there will be many important conversations you’ll need to have over the course of your child’s life. It’s easier if you can work through these issues as a team, rather than pinning one parent against the other. Today, we’re sharing why co-parenting communication is important and how you can navigate it together.

Ready to learn more? Let’s get started!

1. Discuss Important Decisions

Maybe you’re in the early stages of parenthood, navigating diapers and preschool. Perhaps you’re in the throes of adolescence, dealing with driving privileges, dating and college applications. Or, you could be anywhere in between.

Either way, there are major decisions at every age that you’ll need to navigate alongside your ex-spouse.

When one ex refuses to communicate with the other, it can lead to one parent making all of the important decisions on their own. Then, this can lead to feelings of resentment down the road, from all parties. To avoid this clash, it’s wise to set aside your differences as much as possible and focus on your children’s needs.

The decisions might start out small and insignificant at first but as your children grow, they will take on more significance. Thus, it’s important to set a communication standard as early as possible.

2. Help Children Feel Secure

Especially in the weeks and months directly following a divorce, your children will be in a state of upheaval. Even if they remain in the family home with one parent, there will be a major disruption to their routine and their sense of normalcy will be shaken.

While you might not be able to schedule family dinners and vacations with your ex-spouse, it can benefit your children to see you speak calmly and openly to one another. This way, any sense of a major rift or fight is dissolved, and they can begin to understand that divorce doesn’t have to mean a terrible change. Rather, it can mark a healthy and beneficial shift in their family dynamics that still leave them feeling loved and cherished by both of you.

This confidence and assurance can help them adjust better and more quickly to the divorce, which can improve their self-esteem. This is an especially important step to take if your children are school-aged, as this is the stage when children begin to analyze their role in your relationship, feeling guilty and wondering if they did anything to cause your split.

You can reassure them privately over and over again that this isn’t the case, but actions speak louder than words.

3. Establish Consistency

“But mom lets me drink chocolate milk before bed!” “But dad lets me stay out past 11:00 with my friends!”

Divorced parents at every stage hear the comparisons all the time. It’s not easy being pinned against your ex-spouse, especially if you’re playing the endless, tiring game of trying to “beat” one other. Instead of seeking to one-up each other and shower your children with privileges you know they don’t get when they’re not in your custody, it’s best to be on the same page.

Playing the cat-and-mouse game when they’re young leads to manipulation when they’re older. Communicating with your spouse helps you set common, shared ground rules that the kids can expect at all times, no matter where they’re spending the night.

From bedtimes and dietary decisions to friend circles and curfews, there are myriad important rules you’ll need to set as your brood grows, and it’s wisest to set them together.

4. Set an Example of Open Communication

Your children are watching your every move, even if you don’t realize it. If you hold a grudge and give your spouse the silent treatment (or receive it), what does that tell them about working through their differences?

You want your children to feel comfortable coming to you and opening up about the issues they’re facing in their lives. This step only gets more difficult as they get older. Any parent, divorced or not, knows that asking a moody teenager about his day is no easy feat!

Set a precedent early on that your family talks through things, even the hard ones. No one has to suffer in silence or internalize feelings because your space if a safe one. They’ll be more willing to follow through on their end if you and your spouse follow through on yours.

5. Coordinate Schedules

What happens if you have a custody plan worked out but one spouse wants to take the kids on an extended summer vacation that cuts into your time with them? Or, what if you have a spur-of-the-moment business trip that will affect your ability to keep the children?

From school schedules to sports practices, family obligations, and more, there are many instances that might require a slight tweak in your plans.

While it’s best to stick to pre-arranged custody terms, there might be instances in which a change is required. It’s reassuring to know that if this happens, you can bring the issue up with your spouse and you’ll work together to create a workaround.

If you aren’t on speaking terms with one another, even the slightest scheduling conflict can turn into a major argument that leads to even bigger problems. This is especially the case during holidays, at a time when families on both sides might want to see the kids. Communication and efficient scheduling go hand-in-hand.

The good news? You don’t have to have an hour-long phone conversation to set and stick to your schedule. Today, there are online scheduling tools that you can both access to share and synchronize your plans.

6. Reduce Tension at Shared Events

Despite your best efforts, you’ll be unable to avoid your ex-spouse completely if you share children. There are many events you’ll likely want to attend together, from parent-teacher conferences to dance recitals and high school graduation.

While you could coordinate ahead of time to be present but on separate terms, it’s infinitely easier (and more enjoyable for the kids), when you can attend side by side. Attending school meetings, sports events, and other milestones together reveals that you’re willing to work past your differences for the sake of your children.

7. Stick to On-Topic Dialogues

One of the facets of clear communication is being able to stay on topic without deviating into outside, off-subject territory. The more that you and your ex-spouse communicate, the better you’ll get at it. Over time, this means you’ll be able to talk about your son’s ball schedule or your daughter’s sleepovers without bringing up past hurts.

At first, this might not be an easy step, and that’s OK. When the issues from the divorce are still fresh, any time that you speak to your spouse might feel like a fighting match. However, if you both make the dedicated effort to keep the dialogue concise and professional, you’ll find that it gets easier over time.

Deciding to work on this together is a mature and important step that can help you stay in the loop about your family’s life, and for that reason alone, it’s well worth the effort.

8. Stop Using Kids as Messengers

It might be tempting to turn your kids into tiny messengers, asking them to relay messages to your ex-spouse so you don’t have to approach that conversation yourself.

Yet, keep in mind that while that option might be convenient to you, it’s also incredibly unhealthy for them. If they’re feeling even a little bit caught in the middle, this approach strengthens that affirmation. Over time, this can cause them to feel torn between both parents, which can affect their identity, self-esteem, confidence and more.

Resist the urge to take the easy way out and play a game of telephone, funneling important information through your kids. Not only does this exacerbate their confusion but in a more practical sense, you can’t be sure that your original message made it all the way through unchanged! What began as “I’ll pick up the kids from school today” could translate to “You’ll get the kids from school today” and where does that leave them when the bell rings?

Navigating Your Co-Parenting Journey Together

Divorce doesn’t have to equal a breakdown in communication. While you might balk at the idea of working with your ex-spouse on a regular basis, keep in mind who suffers when you don’t.

Thankfully, there are resources available to help you communicate from afar if you’re unable or uncomfortable meeting in person.

Not only can resources help you and your spouse work through scheduling and finance issues, but also offer a simple messaging tool that allows you to share ideas, concerns, and comments in seconds.

Get started today and put the communication back in co-parenting.

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Important things to consider for illinois child support calculation

Illinois child custody

After divorce or separation of parents, children are the one who suffers the most. The separated parents have a huge responsibility on their shoulders to provide necessary child support to their children so that they can continue to live a happy and joyous life even after such tragedies. Hence, there are certain rules involved when calculating a parent’s financial responsibility to support their children in the future. Physical and mental health conditions of the child are one of the many factors that a court considers when allocating the payments of child support. The well-being of the child will be always of utmost importance in the court’s eyes. Apart from this, for child support, parents can also enter into a legal agreement, and once it is approved by the court, the parents can implement it accordingly.

Why Child Support is Important?

Before discussing the complex calculations involved in the child support program, it is quite important for both parents to understand why child support is important for their children. Child support basically refers to paying a particular amount of money by a non-custodial parent to the custodial parent with an objective to support children financially. When parents separate, children require the dire need of support both emotionally and financially. Hence, protecting children both emotionally and financially is the utmost responsibility of parents, even if they don’t spend their lives together under one roof. When parents do not get involved in supporting their child, these poor lads may not get an opportunity they deserve and require in order to grow with the maximum potential.

Raising children is no doubt a critical task, whether the parents are separated or living under one roof. But, specifically after divorce, the financial and emotional needs of children significantly increase. For this purpose, taking a particular amount from the income for child support becomes quite important. Commonly, when a court decides upon child support they monitor whether the parents are capable to support their children or not.

There are many important goals that these child support practices serve. Firstly, it minimizes financial insecurity and poverty that their child might face in the future. Secondly, due to child support both non-custodial parents and their children get a chance to strengthen their relationship and spend more time with each other. On the other hand, if a parent is not able to pay or refuse to pay for the child support, then he or she might have to face legal consequences.

When a non-custodial parent is unable to pay for the child support, the custodial parent can accuse the non-custodial parent of violation of the child support agreement. As a result, the non-custodial parent might have to face legal problems that can lead him or her to jail as well. For this purpose, it is quite important for every parent to perform timely payments for child support so that they can avoid such legal consequences.

Significance of the Illinois Child Support Calculator

Among other questions, a number of parents ask one important question about how is child support calculated in Illinois courts? To calculate child support, the court usually investigates;

  • The income of both parents.
  • The requirements of the children
  • The needs and incomes of the custodial parent
  • The capability of each parent to pay for his or her child.
  • The standard of living of the child after separation of parents.

In order to ease the problem associated with child support, there are certain guidelines provided by the local government that could assist parents in evaluating how much amount they are required to pay for child support. The Illinois child support percentage gradually increases with the increase in the number of children. Here’s how;

  • For 1 child, parents have to pay 20 percent of their income.
  • For 2 children, parents have to pay 28 percent of their income.
  • For 3 children, parents have to pay 32 percent of their income.
  • For 4 children, parents have to pay 40 percent of their income.
  • For 5 children, parents have to pay 45 percent of their income.
  • For 6 or more children, parents have to pay 50 percent of their income.

So if next time someone asks, how much is child support in Illinois, show them these percentage guidelines. These percentage guidelines were designed solely on the basis of traditional arrangements of the child custody, in which non-custodians are required to visit their child on a regular basis (every weekend). However, in the case of shared or joint custody of children, or if the time of visitation increases from the traditional visitation time then these percentage guidelines will not remain the same. It is more likely that the court may incorporate further expenses in these guidelines in terms of health care, school tuition fee, and extracurricular activities. In other cases, if the income of a parent is quite high, then the amount of guideline will increase accordingly. On the other hand, if a parent is associated with low monthly income than he or she will have to pay lesser than the amount guideline.

Estimating the Net Income with Illinois Child Support Calculator

The Illinois child support calculator is a beneficial tool that can assist parents in calculating the expenses involved in the child support program.  The formula for calculation is quite simple. The parent will just have to add the amount of net income (including both earned and unearned) and subtract it from the adjustment or deductions provided in the child support guidelines. Here are some common forms of income that parents are required to show while disbursing child support;

  • Income received from the investment.
  • Income received from self-employment work.
  • Income received from commissions.
  • Income received from monthly, weekly or yearly wages.

On the other hand, here are some common deductions that are subtracted while calculating child support;

  • State and federal income taxes
  • Premiums for health insurance (for both dependents and old custodians).
  • Expenses required to generate income.
  • Medical-related expenses
  • Any amount which is already been paid for the welfare of the custodial parents or children.

Although calculating the right amount of child support can be quite difficult, still this calculator can provide an estimate to some extent about how much amount is needed to be paid by the parents after separation.

The responsibilities of child support also rest with such parents that receive no or less income. The court will examine the reason for the low income of non-custodial parents. If a parent is working voluntarily for a lesser amount of time and has the capability to work more, then such individuals will be liable to pay for child support. On the other hand, if a parent is highly qualified but still working for a low salary job, then these individuals too will be liable to pay for child support. Unless they present some strong pieces of evidence regarding their efforts for hunting good jobs or any other reason such as disability issues or getting affected by chronic health problems. In such scenarios, the court will then ask the parent to provide only potential or imputed income as child support. This potential income will be entirely based on the most current job in which a parent is involved in or will be based on such job opportunities for which the parent can easily qualify considering their experience and training. Lastly, if no evidence is found by the court then it will set the minimum wage as an imputed income for the child support.

Modifying or Terminating Child Support In Future

Situations might occur when a child may need extra care or support, due to any unforeseen circumstances. In such cases, the non-custodial parents can ask for Illinois child support modifications in order to enhance the financial assistance for their children, so that they can meet all the necessary requirements in their lives. On the other hand, if the non-custodial parents think that their child has now become capable to earn on its own, then in this case as well they can request modifications in the child support accordingly.

However, in case of any modification required, the parents will have to provide concrete evidence to support it. In accordance with the Illinois child support regulations, the obligation on parents to support their children terminates after 18 years of age. But, this obligation will be modified if the child is still going to high school for learning. In such scenarios, the non-custodial parents will be obliged to pay for their child support until the child gets graduated or turns 19. Moreover, if the child lacks self-support capability or has some kind of disability, then these obligations may further delay in the future. In certain cases, the Illinois courts also come forward to support parent for making payments after the child turns 19.

Illinois Child Support Payments

Generally, the payments for child support are taken from the paycheck of the non-custodial parents. The payment process begins when a child support notice is sent to the employer of the non-custodial parents. Once the notice is received, the employer will become liable to disburse the child support payments from the parent’s paycheck and send it to the Illinois child support disbursement unit.  On the other hand, parents are also liable to check the disbursed amount, in order to ensure that the right amount of payment is being sent for the child support through the employer.  If the employer fails to disburse the child support payments from the parent’s paycheck then the non-custodial parents can send the payment by themselves. However, if the employers fail to pay for the child support, they may have to pay a $100 fine per day.

In Illinois, the payment for child support is generally done through the Illinois child support disbursement unit. This unit is responsible for processing the payments for child support obtained from parents or employers, and then disbursing them to the new custodians via debit card, direct deposit, or check. One important advantage of the Illinois child support disbursement unit is it keeps a thorough record for every payment made through it. This can eventually help both the custodial and the non-custodial parent to avoid any arguments on child support in the future.

Illinois Child Support Laws 2020

In comparison with the modification of Illinois Child Support Laws in 2017, in 2020 there are no significant changes made. In 2020, the obligation on the non-custodial parent to stay with their child is increased up to 50 percent. Hence, the higher the time parent will spend with their child lesser will they have to pay for the child support. On the other hand, as far as the 146 overnight visit requirements per year are met by the non-custodial parents, the time required to be spent by each parent will not be considered in the Illinois child support calculator 2020.

 One of the major changes in child support law took place in 2017 when a new model for the sharing of income was adopted in the Illinois child support program. The whole idea behind this model was to hold the non-custodial parents more responsible for providing support to their children in the same way as if they were intact in the family. There are certain factors on the basis of which the contribution of the non-custodial parent towards child support can be calculated in accordance with this model. A parent’s basic support is evaluated based on their shared total income and the amount of time the kid spends with non-custodial parents every year.

To further illustrate this factor, consider a couple who spends roughly $30,000 every year for the expenses of their child, and they agree upon giving 50/50 time to their child. So, after reviewing the financial positions of both the parents, the court finds out that the mother is contributing 40 percent, while the father is contributing 60 percent in the total income. In that scenario, the father will be liable to pay $18,000 (60% of his income), while the mother will have to pay $12,000 (40% of her income) in the child support.

Hence, by providing appropriate child support, parents can help bring the lost colors in their children’s lives. As children already go through many stressors after their parents get separated. Therefore, child support is their basic right, and parents should ensure to provide it, in order to shape a better future for them.

 References

 https://www.oflaherty-law.com/learn-about-law/illinois-child-support-2020-recent-changes-to-illinois-support-law

https://www.wahpetondailynews.com/news/child-support-what-is-it-who-pays-why-it-s/article_80c73f6c-d48f-11e7-a477-d78d8d716b0e.html

https://www.wahpetondailynews.com/news/child-support-what-is-it-who-pays-why-it-s/article_80c73f6c-d48f-11e7-a477-d78d8d716b0e.html

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/child-support/child-support-basics/child-support-illinois.html

https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2019/april/child-support-for-children-with-special-needs/

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Talking to Your Kids About Their Absent Parent

Absent parent - 2houses

Even under the best of circumstances, a parental separation can be incredibly emotional and confusing for kids. They’re used to seeing both parents at the dinner table and at soccer games. Then suddenly one parent is gone. It’s a huge adjustment, even if both parents remain involved in the kids’ lives. But when your partner disappears from your lives and doesn’t make an effort to see the kids, it falls to you to help them process this huge shift.

Explaining the Absence to Kids

Because you want to protect your child, your instincts might tell you to fudge the truth behind your ex-partner’s disappearance. It’s hard to tell them that Dad left because he cheated or that Mom moved away because she has an addiction. Wouldn’t it be easier to tell them that their parent left because of an exciting new job opportunity?

Maybe, but this strategy can backfire. Instead, separated parents should tell kids the truth in an age-appropriate way. Emphasize that the kids have no responsibility for the parent’s absence. “Daddy moved away because he fell in love with someone else and he decided to go live with her. He did that because he wanted to, not because of anything that you did wrong, and he still loves you so much.” You might even add: “Someday he will probably realize he made a mistake by not seeing you more. I’m so sorry that his decision is hurting you.”

Kids in this situation might worry that their remaining parent will abandon them too, especially if they misbehave. One parent left, what’s keeping you from going too? Tell them in no uncertain terms that you will never choose to leave, even if they’re messy or get bad grades.

Helping Kids Cope

Once your kids understand that the absent parent is really gone and isn’t reliable, they’ll need your support. You can’t fix the situation or make your ex become a better parent. What you can do is encourage the kids to express how they’re feeling.

If they’re angry, let them vent to you without trying to offer any solutions. Give them access to art and writing supplies and encourage them to express their feelings. Offer frequent affection and remind them often how lovable and wonderful they are. If you’re in a position to send your child to a therapist for a few sessions, offer that as an option too.

Does the other parent makes promises to come see the kids but often fails to show up? Make backup plans for those scheduled times. When Dad doesn’t arrive at noon like promised, spend the afternoon at the mall or at a park having fun. And be mindful to not badmouth the other parent, even after the person hurts your child by bailing. Calling your ex names or getting really emotional when talking about the situation may make your kids afraid to express their feelings.

Helping Yourself Cope

Separated parents who have primary custody are under a ton of pressure. You’re solely responsible for kids who are dealing with being hurt by their other parent. If you’re like a lot of people who find themselves in this situation, you probably feel overwhelmed and angry. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings – without making your kids feel responsible for fixing them. Ideally, you’ll talk to a therapist about everything that you’re juggling. If that’s not possible, schedule weekly vent sessions with a sympathetic friend.

And don’t forget that you’re not Superparent. You’ve got a lot going on – if the kids eat chicken nuggets every night and miss the occasional shower, celebrate how much you’re getting right instead of beating yourself up.

We know that separated parents have a lot of their plates. 2houses helps you manage it all. Give us a try for free!

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The essential of Indiana parenting time guidelines

parenting time guidelines

As per the latest statistics attained from The Centers and Disease Control and Prevention, the rate of divorce in the US is witnessed to be 3.2 out of every 1,000 people (Kennedy and Ruggles, 2014). This leaves behind quite a larger number of under-aged children to be deprived of the affection, time and upbringing from both of their parents. With the decision of separation taken by the mutual decision of parent, children are the ones that are affected the most and may lead them with several emotional and behavioral disorders and instability. It develops in them some complexes, depression and a sense of loneliness and being unloved which further lead to an emotionally painful process throughout every phase of their lives (Valenzuela, Halpern and Katz, 2014). For the mitigation of such a rising issues of divorce and considering the worst impacts of it on the minds of growing children, parenting guidelines are introduced and several mobile application and websites have been devoted for the cause of time management and visitation of parental guidelines for those who do not have custody of their children in order spend time with them and to cope up with the potential impacts of separation on children and adolescents.

Impacts of Divorce on Children

The continued long-term chain of conflicts among the parents until the time of separation causes a devastating impact on the children’s psychological and emotional health and for the parents themselves. It is often difficult for parents to sort out what exactly their children are going through and thinking of such a drastic change in their life. There seems to develop a distance among children and parents which causes a communication barrier (Jeynes, 2012). Children tend not to share their feelings and suppress their emotions which consequently creates a harmful impact on their mental and emotional health, causing a lifetime deprivation of basic need for love and homely environment. Besides, divorce itself is a painful and stressful process for the separated spouse as well, which makes it’s even harder for parents to manage their own raw emotion and continuing hostility to aid their children’s needs immaculately side by side. Moreover, the legal processes for the attainment of a child’s custody is more inclined towards adversaries and blame rather than focusing on the interest of children (Weaver and Schofield, 2015). This ongoing conflict also contributes highly to erode effective parenting, resulting in causing abnormalities, instability and problems in children’s behavior and emotion. Some of the most commonly occurring debilitating issues faced by children whilst moving into their adulthood with separated parents are:

Trust Issues

Children having experienced unsavory time often faced with trust issues throughout their lives. It causes a continuous struggle for children to revive back the trust and honesty in relationships which consequently also reflects in their personal marital lives in the future (Anderson, 2014). The trust issue of parent’s plague children, resulting in shadowing their ability to trust others. Such a devastating experience in children’s live and ongoing conflicts of parenting in their feeble age tend them to lose their trust in honesty, love, and loyalty in relationships.

Resentment

The resentment shown by the parents can result to be the facet of children. The experience of separation and struggle to attain the custody of a child results in resentment of quality of life, loss of time and happiness (Fagan and Churchill, 2012). Such a resented, if remained untreated and unmeasured, can result in being absolutely debilitating. The continued struggle of a child to take care emotionally of the wounded parents would lose the colors in their growing lives as a kid.

Addiction

The children faced with the abrupt divorce of their parents often end up doing drugs and more highly susceptible to abuse and harm themselves (Kalmijn, 2012). The troubled childhood often tends them to opt for drugs to spiritually and emotionally heal themselves and to release their anxiety, pain and frustration.

Mental Issues

The experience of the conflicts that lead parents to get separated to the point where they become emotionally fragile, such a constant phase of fight, struggle between the loved ones and broken family lead a child to be nothing but depressed, filled with several insecurities, resilience, anger, trust issues and many infectious emotions that might never let him lead a normal and happy life ahead (Amato, 2014).

Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is often encountered by the children of a divided family which refers to losing a sense of self-identity and to be dependent on an emotionally troubled partner (Larson and Halfon, 2013). Such an experience causes troublesome reliance on emotions on a partner to fulfill self-esteem needs.

How to Deal with the Behavioral and Emotional Problems of Children:

There are measures and steps that separating parents can perform in order to minimize the negativity of the impacts of divorce on children. Children often show greater vulnerabilities at this point in time yet with resilience. No matter what the reason lies behind the marital separation decision, but parent mostly seems to be well-intentioned towards their children (Divorce, 2019). Despite the pain of divorce, separation brings with it several other stressful occurrences like legal battles, houses move, supportive relationships loss and money deprivation etc., all include the basics and fundamental needs of life required by all, especially children experiencing it. Children tend to suffer a range of social and emotional difficulties consequently (RC PSYCH, 2019).
However, with effective management and mutual efforts made by the parents, several steps can be taken to cope up with the negative effects of divorce on children (The Irish Times, 2019). There exists a greater possibility and high probability of children leading quite a normal and happy life ahead if parents tend to mitigate the pitfalls in their children’s lives and manage to help children go through the process of separation by implementing some of the below mentioned effective parenting practices:

Implementing Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines

The guidelines dictate specifically regarding the visitation rules as per the age and other factors of children. It entails vividly about the parental visitation rules among various events, festival, holidays and timelines where they are supposed to meet and spend time with their children, varying as per child’s age (In, 2019). It suggests the parents discuss the time of visitation but if not then non-custodial parents are required to schedule to visit. For the parents how to live far away from one another are also given suggestion on the underlying issue. Parents are therefore required to follow such a visitation guideline to perform effective parenting and give time to their children (Indiana Legal Services, 2019).

Manage your Personal Stress Level to Rightfully Perform Effective Parenting

It is a normal case to go through a roller-coaster of emotion, shame, guilt, anger and grief through the process of separation (HelpGuide, 2019). At such a time, children need the support of parents the most. But in order to be a pillar for children, it is necessary for parents to deal with their stress by means of counseling or any help with close friends (Help and Counseling, 2019).

Constructively Work with Your Former Spouse to Deal with Parenting Issues

The most concerning issue faced by the separating is the ongoing conflicts of the spouse. It makes for parents difficult to develop a constructive relationship with the children. By creating a harmonious environment of family and mutual well-intensions for the children, arrangements can be made for the interest of children by means of shared expenses, custody calendar, shared calendar, use of parenting app, divorce app and family organizer, etc. (Clark et al., 2013)

Use Parenting Applications to Manage the Family’s Schedule

The use of parenting and the co-parenting application would be quite useful in such a case in managing the family’s information in an organized and well-documented manner (McMahon, 2012). There are several best parenting applications to manage your family schedule with also allows sharing the calendar with your spouse to coordinate respectively and give the most memorable and well-nourished moments to your children.

Help Children Give Balanced Loyalty, Love and Time

Make sure to mitigate the divided loyalty experience by your children and try to provide them an appropriate, balanced and age-appropriate account of divorce. One should try speaking only positives about the ex-partner and help prevent infusing negativity among either of them in children’s minds. Never use children as a go-between medium, rather talk directly (HelpGuide, 2019).
Have Open Communication with your Children
It is important to make time for children to carry out one-to-one conversation to help children open up their true emotion and letting their grief out of their chests. Children often conceal their emotions and perplexed thoughts (Nationwidechildrens, 2019). Work hard to eliminate all their queries and share feelings among one another to cope with the struggle together.

Minimize the Changes in Children’s Life

Separation often comes with the loss of friends, family and old house as well which harshly affects children more than the grief of divorce itself (Caringforkids, 2019). It is suggested to maintain as many good old things, memories and experiences as possible and help introduce a new yet positive change in children’s lives in a subtle manner rather than drastically introducing abrupt change in lives.

Activities to Help Children Deal with Divorce

Divorce is a life transitioning event for both, the parents and the children. Both go through a verity of emotions, especially affecting the young minds of children (Raising Children Network, 2019). Parents ought to not only cope up with their emotional stability as soon as possible but also provide support to their children to deal with their concerns, feelings and frustration faced due to separation.

Visit Them Frequently

Manage your schedule and cope with the ex-partner to go visit the child, if he/she is not in your custody. Make use of schedule managing parenting mobile and web applications to deal with the issue efficiently and to also coordinate the timetable with the partner by means of sharing calendar through the apps to give children the love and affection of both, mommy and daddy (Jannese, 2019).

Communicate from Distance

If one of the parents lives abroad or far away from the recent caretaker of children, then parents are suggested to continue communicating with the children to retain a strong relationship with them. This can be done by emailing each other, weekly or monthly basis phone calls, writing the letter, exchanging video and audio recording to share the moments or initiate a postcard club etc. (Parents, 2019)

Spend Time Together on Holidays and Festival

Festivals, holidays and events are the occasions where every family spend their time together and make unforgettable memories. This is where a child with broken family wants their parents the most to get reunited and experience the same emotions as every other child. Halloween, Christmas, summer vacations and important school occasions of children can be made memorable together as a family (Verywell Family, 2019).

Play Together

Playing with children often helps them to express their feelings and relieve their stress and give them a sense of belonging, affection and love from their parents that might have been shadowed by the experience of divorce (Afifi, 2019). Exercise, walking, camping and swimming etc. can be effective ways to make memories with children.

Creating Two Comfortable Homes

Ensure to keep familiar items in each of the spouse’s house to give your children the same and homely feeling in both places. Out up family photos, clothing, favorite food, school supplies, games, and toys to give you children a secure and homely experience (Psychology Today, 2019).

How 2houses Will Benefit Separated Parents to Give a Well-Nourished Life to Your Children?

2houses is a useful tool for the parents that have been separated but look for an organizer to manage their schedule to effectively communicate and visit their children for their well-being and nourishing upbringing. It helps you keep track of and manage all activities, medical and after school information, manage their expenses and organize custody schedule (2houses, 2019). Considering the maximum reachability of such useful resources, the tools are available as a mobile and web application, both. The application is being used by more than 170,598 separated families and is spread among 170 countries with the aim to provide children with the most complete and happy childhood whilst giving utmost ease to parents to give the children all the colors of their lives (Seif & McNamee, 2019).
The tools are a wholesome package of an interacting calendar with sharing and synchronization facility, an effectual financial management system, a journal to share memories among family members, bank information to keep track of child’s necessities and massages to interact (Gillespie, 2019).
The love, affection and time of parents is the basic necessity of children, which often gets unattained in the process of divorce, letting trust issues, complexes and emotional instability affecting abruptly a child’s life. It is therefore, necessary to take steps by the parents to rectify such a major pitfall in their children life by taking the above mention measures to lead a happy, healthy and a normal life ahead as a family.

References

 

2houses (2019). Divorced parents web & mobile app. [online] 2houses.com. Available at: https://www.2houses.com/en/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Afifi, T. (2019). The best possible thing you can do to help your child through divorce. [online] ideas.ted.com. Available at: https://ideas.ted.com/the-best-possible-thing-you-can-do-to-help-your-child-through-your-divorce/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Amato, P.R., 2014. The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Društvena istraživanja: časopis za opća društvena pitanja, 23(1), pp.5-24.

Anderson, J., 2014. The impact of family structure on the health of children: Effects of divorce. The Linacre Quarterly, 81(4), pp.378-387.

Caringforkids, C. (2019). Helping children cope with separation and divorce – Caring for Kids. [online] Caringforkids.cps.ca. Available at: https://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/handouts/separation_and_divorce [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Clark, B., Canadian Paediatric Society and Mental Health and Developmental Disabilities Committee, 2013. Supporting the mental health of children and youth of separating parents. Paediatrics & child health, 18(7), pp.373-377.

Divorce, A. (2019). Activities for Helping Children Deal with Divorce. [online] Extension2.missouri.edu. Available at: https://extension2.missouri.edu/gh6602 [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Fagan, P.F. and Churchill, A., 2012. The effects of divorce on children. Marri Research, pp.1-48.

Gillespie, C. (2019). This Tool Helps Divorced Parents Avoid Disaster. [online] SheKnows. Available at: https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/2004742/best-co-parenting-apps/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Gillespie, C. (2019). This Tool Helps Divorced Parents Avoid Disaster. [online] SheKnows. Available at: https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/2004742/best-co-parenting-apps/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Help, M. and Counseling, D. (2019). Challenges that Children of Divorce Face in their Adulthood | Marriage.com. [online] Best Marriage Advice – Get Marriage Tips from Experts. Available at: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/challenges-that-children-of-divorce-face-in-their-adulthood/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

HelpGuide (2019). Children and Divorce. [online] HelpGuide.org. Available at: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/children-and-divorce.htm [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

HelpGuide (2019). Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents. [online] HelpGuide.org. Available at: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/co-parenting-tips-for-divorced-parents.htm [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

In (2019). Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. [online] In.gov. Available at: https://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Indiana Legal Services (2019). Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines. [online] Indiana Legal Services, Inc. Available at: https://www.indianalegalservices.org/node/35/indiana-parenting-time-guidelines [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Jannese, S. (2019). 9 Rules for Divorced Parents (from a Kid Who’s Been Stuck in the Middle). [online] Babble. Available at: https://www.babble.com/relationships/9-rules-for-divorced-parents-from-a-kid-whos-been-stuck-in-the-middle/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Jeynes, W., 2012. Divorce, family structure, and the academic success of children. Routledge.

Kalmijn, M., 2012. Long-term effects of divorce on parent–child relationships: Within-family comparisons of fathers and mothers. European sociological review, 29(5), pp.888-898.

Kennedy, S. and Ruggles, S., 2014. Breaking up is hard to count: The rise of divorce in the United States, 1980–2010. Demography, 51(2), pp.587-598.

Larson, K. and Halfon, N., 2013. Parental divorce and adult longevity. International Journal of Public Health, 58(1), pp.89-97.

McMahon, L., 2012. The handbook of play therapy and therapeutic play. Routledge.

Nationwidechildrens (2019). Divorce and Children: Guidelines for Parents. [online] Nationwidechildrens.org. Available at: https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/health-wellness-and-safety-resources/helping-hands/divorce-and-children [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Parents (2019). https://www.parents.com. [online] Parents. Available at: https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/11-rules-for-helping-your-child-deal-with-divorce/ [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

Psychology Today (2019). 8 Strategies for Helping Kids Adjust to a Divorce. [online] Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-raise-happy-cooperative-child/201302/8-strategies-helping-kids-adjust-divorce [Accessed 18 Dec. 2019].

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Blended Family: How To Encourage The Kids To Like Each Other

blended family - 2houses

If you’re divorced with children and pursuing a relationship with someone who also has children, it’s not easy mixing your two families. After all, families are not built overnight! If you’re struggling to figure out how to encourage the kids to like each other, this article is for you.

1: Limit Your Expectations

Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s unlikely that your kids will immediately form a strong familial bond with their step-siblings. That’s okay — some distance is normal and healthy — and trying to force friendships is a great way to alienate your children. It’s possible to encourage the children to like each other, but always temper your expectations with a dash of realism.

Remember, even blood siblings go through periods where they can barely tolerate each other! Expecting your newly blended family to become the best of friends is not particularly realistic.

2: Allow The Children Plenty Of Freedom

Be patient! It’s important to take things slow in a newly blended family — let the children discover common ground by themselves. If the children are especially young (under 10 years of age), they may adjust quicker than you expect.

Adolescents and teenagers may require more time to adjust to the new family dynamic and are not as open with expressing their emotions. That’s okay — teenagers have a lot going on — and it’s important to give them space.

The more you allow you and your partner’s children room to explore and develop their own relationships, the better.

blended family - 2houses

3: Plan Family Activities and Create Traditions

Family activities are great because they provide opportunities for communication. Fun family activities get both ‘sides’ of the family invested in forming new interpersonal relationships.

Great family activities include:

  • A house tour and ‘moving in’ game
  • Celebratory ice cream and movie night
  • Laser tag or another team-based activity (try children vs. adults, it’s always a blast)

The goal here is to get the children to communicate on topics that don’t seem like ‘work’. The more your children interact during fun, family-based activities, the quicker they’ll form meaningful connections.

New family traditions (or reinventing old ones) are an excellent way to get step-children invested in the family. If Sunday is pizza night, consider adding a twist (pizza and pie, perhaps) that makes it a new experience for everyone. The more your step-children become entwined in new traditions, the quicker they’ll bond.

4: Boundaries Matter

Sit down with your spouse and figure out some basic rules of conduct. Discipline is important — especially for young kids — but expecting a new stepfather to immediately begin disciplining his step-children is not realistic. Take the time to develop interpersonal bonds before moving to the role of disciplinarian.

Of course, rules must be applied fairly and consistently. Everyone must abide by the rules of your household, no matter who the biological parent is. Step-children get along much better if they know no one is playing favorites!

5: Become a Positive Role Model

Blending two families places incredible stress on your children. They feel pressured to form familial bonds with people they have no relation to — that’s not easy. Don’t underestimate the stress your children are experiencing.

Children love to emulate a positive, successful role model. Present yourself as a rational, fair, and likable new parent and you’ll be surprised at the results. Avoid talking about former spouses in a negative way and show the children that everything will work out.

Take A Breath

Blended families come with their own sets of challenges. Remember that you’re undergoing a challenge that millions of other families have already beaten. Give the children space, temper your expectations, and take the time to plan some fun regular family activities. The results will speak for themselves.