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4 October 201829 March 2019

Starting a New Life After Divorce: When and How to Introduce a New Partner to Your Children

As time passes after your divorce, it’s very likely that you’ll meet someone who becomes an important part of your life and you start considering a future with. This also means introducing the new partner to your children. When and how you approach this can mean the difference between a mess and an easier incorporation. Here are some tips to help the introductions go smoothly.

The When

1. Be Honest With Yourself

When you’re considering whether or not to introduce a new romantic partner to your children, it’s important to take an honest look at the relationship and where it’s likely heading. If you’re just having fun and enjoying the person’s company but you know there’s not really long-term potential there, it’s probably best to leave the kids out of it.

2. Talk With the New Person First

If you’re ready to introduce a potential new spouse to your kids, it’s a good idea to talk to that person first. Even if your children like this person, they may still have some negative emotions and thoughts about someone new taking such a permanent place in your life. It’s not uncommon for children to feel like they’re being replaced by a “new family” or to feel a new wave of emotions at the finality of Mom and Dad not getting back together.

3. Give Your Ex a Heads Up

You certainly don’t have to give your ex every detail of your love life after divorce. But if things are serious enough you’re considering introductions to your children, it’s a courtesy to let your ex know. Your children are almost definitely going to bring this up during their time with the other parent. Having already discussed it beforehand can make sure you and your ex-spouse are on the same page for how to present this new change and handle the children’s responses. If you’re uncomfortable — or just too busy — having the conversation face-to-face, using the messaging feature on 2houses lets you fit this conversation into your schedule. It also gives you the chance to spend some time drafting and rewriting your message so there aren’t any miscommunications or issues.

The How

1. Consider the Timing

While it’s sometimes hard to remember with our responsibility-filled adult lives, children have stress too. Introducing a new partner to your children when they’ve had a long day of school and activities and hungry and past bedtime, probably isn’t going to go over well. Try to choose a time where they’re relaxed, well rested and fed and in a good mood.

2. Go for Neutral Ground

Introducing someone new to your kids in their home can be a little bit too much to handle. It can feel like this person is already encroaching on their space and relationship with you. Instead, consider doing the meet-and-greet somewhere like a playground or kid-friendly restaurant where the kids can escape to their own space if they need to.

3. Follow Up With Them Afterward

Even if the introduction went better than you could have hoped, it’s still a good idea to check in on the kids by yourself. They might have some thoughts or emotions they need to express they don’t feel comfortable sharing with the other person present. Doing this also ensures the children know you’re still putting their feelings first.

No matter how well introducing a new partner to your children seem to go, remember to go slow and give it time. Adding someone into the family dynamic means adjustments for everyone. Keeping the lines of communication open between your children, your new partner and your co-parent can go a long way to smoothing the transition.

16 July 201829 March 2019

Separated Parents: Who Gets to Choose the Children’s School?

Whether it’s public, private, online, or at home, the process of picking a school comes up in every separated parent’s life. While who gets to choose the children’s school may seem like a simple question, it doesn’t always have a simple answer. This is especially true if the parents disagree, such as one parent wants the child to go to public school and the other wants to homeschool. To get you started, here are some of the basic factors involved in most cases.

The State(s) the Separated Parents Live In

Because family law is state specific, it’s difficult to answer almost any question about which parent can make what decision without taking the state into consideration. For parents who live in the same state and also filed for divorce in that state, it’s a fairly easy lookup of family law code. However, in situations where one parent lives in another state or the parents no longer reside in the state the divorce was filed in, things get a bit trickier.

In these circumstances, you’ll want to go by the guidelines for the state the divorce was filed in because that’s the court that has jurisdiction over the case. For example, if the divorce was filed in Ohio, but one parent now lives in Indiana, Ohio’s laws are followed. If both parents have moved out of state, it’s a good idea to consider filing a change of jurisdiction so that the case is being dealt with in the proper state.

The Type of Custody Agreement

What kind of legal custody arrangement you have with your ex is one of the most important factors when it comes to who gets to choose the children’s school.

Sole Custody

If one parent has sole legal custody, that parent usually has full decision-making authority. This is true even if you have a generous visitation schedule that allows the parents to split the time fairly equally.

Joint Custody

In situations where the parents have joint legal custody, the family court system gives the parents equal decision-making authority. Again, this is true even if the children primarily reside with one parent, which can still be a different situation than a court-designated residential parent covered below. Joint legal custody situations assume that the parents will be able to come to a mutual agreement on the important decisions involving the children — such as education.

The Residential Parent

A residential parent is a designation for which parent’s house is used for school district purposes. Residential parents can be used in both sole and joint custody cases. If your divorce took place when your children were already of school age, it’s likely your agreement already includes a residential parent designation. If the children were very young, it may be something you need to add in now. If you already have a residential parent as part of your coparenting agreement, that parent’s district will be used. However, if you want to try to go out of district, are considering private schools, or want to homeschool, the residential parent doesn’t really come into play.

Final Considerations

Great coparenting involves a lot of communication and compromise. 2houses can help you with this process by making it easier to share information and see schedules at a glance. It makes it easier to see the logistics of the situation and integrate the best interests of the children. As with any other coparenting concern, if you can come to an agreement on your own, it’s all the better for everyone involved. If that’s not possible, the decision is usually brought to mediation or goes before a judge who will have the final say.

28 June 201829 March 2019

Divorce Announcement Wording Tips for Your Children

Talking to your children about divorce is never easy. Most spouses are going through an emotionally challenging time and want to minimize the stress on children. Achieving this is possible with care and attention throughout the divorce process, beginning with the first conversations you have as a family about your separation.

One way to make those chats as supportive as possible is to use specific language. Certain words are often more nurturing to children, and send the right message at a time when kids are particularly vulnerable. Encouraging words can help ease the transition for your entire family.

Use “We” Instead of “I”

Even if you and your spouse disagree on many issues, it helps if you can be united when speaking to your children. Breaking the news about separation or divorce should be done by both spouses together, with as little hint about animosity or anger as possible. Using “we” reinforces this idea of stability to your children, who are just learning of your intent to live apart.

Be Selective in Choosing Information

Some parents flood their children with information in the first conversation, in an attempt to proactively answer all of their questions. This can overwhelm the child, who may or may not have had an inkling of what was to come. Start with the basics. Remaining open to questions after you tell your children is important, as that’s when you will have a better idea of how they perceive the situation.

Stay Focused on Your Child

Tell the children how the change in the family will affect their lives. For example, when providing details, say things like, “we’ll be taking care of you together, but we will live in two different homes.”, “Our change in family life won’t affect your school or your friends.” Before the conversation, make a list of what your children currently enjoy doing and how that might change after the divorce.

Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault

Often children think they may be responsible for their parents’ divorce. Telling them that they did nothing wrong is important, so they can feel somewhat at ease with what’s happening. Over time, they will probably have more questions about why you and your spouse have chosen to end your marriage, and you may want to listen closely to their worries about the root causes of the event.

Talk to Them About the Plan

For many parents, the main objective is to help their children feel secure in the face of divorce. Give them a plan as early as possible, so they know their parents still love them and will look after their needs. Use phrasing like, “your father and I,” “your mother and I,” and “our family,” when describing how things will unfold. You can also say, “we will both always be here for you,” to reinforce this idea of consistency.

Most children will remember this conversation for many years to come. It can set up the emotional road for both the children and the parents, as they embark on divorce or separation. Every parent makes mistakes, but by taking care with what you say and how you communicate with your spouse, you can support your children over the long term. Stay open and supportive when talking and listening to all members of your family.

28 May 201828 March 2019

5 advantages of a Co-Parenting Schedule

For the sake of their children, many co-parents aim to work together. Experts recommend many strategies to contribute to this co-operation, which should result in an emotionally healthy environment for the children. Using a co-parenting schedule is one way to support positive co-parenting. Here are some ways that a co-parenting schedule helps you to communicate with your co-parent and promotes your relationship with your children.

1. Supports Open Dialogue

It is not always easy to talk to your former partner, especially when the end of the relationship is still raw. However, communication is essential to ensure the children get the support they require. By using a co-parenting schedule, you can update dates, times and schedule activities without having to engage in a face-to-face conversation. Sometimes it is easier on everyone to have a go-between, and in this case, it can be the scheduling software.

2. Creates Consistency

Many co-parents have legally binding schedules that allow them to spend time with the kids. By relying on software that keeps accurate track of when the children are set to go to their other home. There are fewer chances of errors. Fewer arguments or misunderstandings create a calmer environment for the children, who become accustomed to reliable and comforting routines. It creates consistency for everyone involved, so they can plan their lives without undue stress.

3. Promotes Flexibility

In addition to providing a consistent and reliable basis for the calendar of both houses, a co-parenting schedule allows for flexibility. With a clear, easy-to-read schedule, parents have little problem making room for an unexpected event or visit that may fall outside the normal routine. By knowing when the children are going to be at both houses, they can keep track of how time has been allotted and tend to be more agreeable for those times when one parent just wants their children to be part of a special celebration.

4. Allows for Sharing of Memories

Parents have one thing in common: they want to participate fully in the lives of their children. When they share time with a co-parent, it is inevitable they are going to miss some important experiences their children have with the other guardian. By using a co-parenting scheduling tool, they can swap photos, videos and other momentos of the other parents’ time. For the children, this can be extra special, since they can talk about the photos with the other parent when they return to their other home. When parents show a willingness to communicate and share, it makes it easier and more pleasant for the children.

5. Promotes Parent-to-Parent Discussion

As life evolves, both parents will experience major life changes. An online communication tool can allow parents to keep each other in the loop, without putting it on the shoulders of children to relay information. When a parent starts a new job, has an unexpected illness, is in a new important relationship. There will be tangible effects on the children. Direct information between co-parents can facilitate discussion about how these changes may disrupt the co-parenting routine and the emotional lives of everyone involved.

Creating a positive, healthy and nurturing environment for children is the objective of most co-parents. Using a co-parenting scheduling tool can make the process easier and less challenging for guardians, who may want to do the best for the kids but are still working through their own emotions. Learn more about how the scheduling tools offered by 2houses can help your family to grow and thrive.

17 May 201828 March 2019

Co-Parenting Communication Tools: Our Selection of Books to Explain Divorce to Children

When co-parents decide to end their relationship, it is not always easy to know how to tell the children. For families, the divorce process involves an ongoing conversation. The adjustment period for adults and children is uncharted territory and won’t be without bumps along the way.

Several authors have tried to make the transition easier with guides to talking to your kids about divorce. Suitable for a variety of ages, these volumes give you and your children some ways to deal with the emotions that come with a change to their way of life. You can read many of these with your kids. Or offer them as a resource to your children while they begin to make sense of these changes.

“Dinosaurs Divorce” by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (1988)

It can be tough for preschoolers and very young children to understand divorce, especially if they don’t know anyone else who’s going through it. In “Dinosaurs Divorce,” the prehistoric character is navigating the same territory as the child. The young dinosaur talks about some things that may happen after divorce, such as around the holidays and when living arrangements change.

“Two Homes” by Claire Masurel (2003)

The concept behind “Two Homes” is pretty simple: a seven-year-old boy figures that, with his parents living separately, he will have more of everything he loves. Two places to call home, two bedrooms, two kitchens and with family always nearby. This takes a positive approach to new living arrangements in order for kids to gain a different perspective on what can be a difficult period of time.

“Divorce Is Not the End of the World” by Zoe and Evan Stern (2008)

This book, aimed at older children over the age of about eight, was written by teenagers who have experienced divorce. It is practical as well as sensitive, addressing common emotions kids go through during transition. It talks about how day-to-day life might change, with the introduction of step-siblings and stepparents, and homes with different rules.

“A Smart Girl’s Guide to Her Parents’ Divorce” by Nancy Holyoke (2009)

Laid out a bit like a workbook, the “Smart Girl’s Guide” acknowledges that life can change many times for the child of divorce. There is often the initial separation, then remarriage. Packed with advice from other preteens, the book also makes learning fun with quizzes and easy-to-understand tips. Check out the “Girl’s Bill of Rights” that’s included as a handy cut-out.

“It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear” by Vicki Lansky (1997)

As is evidenced by the title, “Koko Bear” is about dealing with the emotions of divorce. Written for three to seven-year-olds who may not yet be used to expressing how they feel. The book is as much a guide for parents as children. With this volume, you can help pinpoint what your child is feeling and help them to recognize and address those emotions in themselves.

Divorce is often a challenging transition for parents and children. It’s an uncertain time that comes with many unknowns. For children who desire a sense of security and predictability, it may be particularly stressful. These books are designed to help open the lines of communication so children know that no matter what happens, their parents have their well-being as their top priority.

15 January 201828 March 2019

Divorce With Kids: How Do You Explain It to Them?

Perhaps one of the most challenging conversations you’ll have as a separating parent is with your children. Throughout their lives, you’ve made their wellbeing a priority. Coming to them with news of your breakup may be emotionally devastating. But regardless of how well you know your children, their reactions may still surprise you. Try to keep the conversation age-appropriate. Remind your children that their parents’ divorce does not mean the loss of their family.

Have the Conversation as a Family

Your children should all be part of the conversation. Try to sit down with your spouse and all of your kids at the same time to discuss the divorce. By presenting a united front with your spouse, you minimize tension and prevent feelings of resentment towards one parent or the other. You want to reassure your children the break up is not their fault and that they will remain loved. The feeling of togetherness of a group talk supports this idea that they are not losing the people closest to them.

Prepare Your Main Messages Beforehand

In the moment, you may forget to tell your children what they most need to hear. That’s why you and your spouse should jot down the key things you want to say. In part, this can be things such as, “we have tried to fix our problems, but it hasn’t worked,” “you will always be loved, now just in two houses instead of one,” “we are still a family even though we no longer live together” and “you didn’t do anything to cause this to happen.” You can introduce them to the 2houses site and explain how the family will remain connected.

Remain Aware of Your Child’s Concerns

The age of your children determines how they see the world. As a result, what worries them most will depend on their stage of development. A preschooler is still largely dependent on her parents and may need reassurance they will still be fed, cared for and played with. As kids get a bit older, they are more aware of their feelings. They may have important social connections outside the family, so they may be concerned about moving or going to a new school.

Listen Actively to Their Questions

The conversation should leave ample time for questions. You may have to encourage your children, whatever their age, to ask whatever is on their minds. These questions may provide greater insight into your children’s world and may bring up issues you have not yet resolved. Your children may ask anything from what caused the breakup to whether the siblings will still live together and where the pets will reside. Be honest, but don’t overwhelm children with too much information. Always circle back to key issues of support, comfort and reassurance regardless of the challenging questions.

Keep the Conversation Going

After you’ve told your children that you are going to divorce, there will be a transition period of many months. Depending on the circumstances, you and your spouse may continue to live together for a period of time or one spouse may move out immediately. It may be a while before co parenting schedules are finalized, placing additional uncertainty and stress on the children. Using 2houses, the family can start to work out the details of new schedules and find out what works for everyone.

Because these changes directly impact your children’s day-to-day lives, it’s essential to do what you can to maintain their stability. Make them feel safe and reassure them you are always available to talk about what’s going on. Together, you can ease into your new lives while helping your children maintain their emotional health. In an ideal world, all they need to worry about is growing up.

13 November 201714 April 2020

Mutual Consent Divorce for an Unfazed Break-up

It is never easy to bring a relationship to an end. In particular, if you share children with your spouse, you want to make it as easy as possible on them and on you. You have the option of filing for no-fault divorce or, in some states, Mutual Consent Divorce. In layperson’s terms, mutual consent divorce just means you’ve decided as a couple to end the marriage and you want to do so with the minimum of conflict.

Agreeing to End the Marriage

In states such as Pennsylvania, it’s possible for one spouse to file for divorce and the other spouse to agree with the filing. This is called a mutual consent no-fault divorce. Most states have the option for a “no fault,” divorce, where you can file based on “irreconcilable differences” and do not have to state that your spouse has done something specifically wrong. With a no-fault divorce, however, your spouse can generally still contest the filing.

Benefits of Mutual Consent Divorce

If you and your spouse can agree to end the marriage mutually, you benefit from looking at your finances and shared child care responsibilities with a clear head. Many states have resources that can help you and your spouse understand the details of asset division and developing a parenting plan for your children going forward.

Fundamentally, what you gain through a mutual consent divorce is the ability to maintain a civil relationship with your child’s other parent, who will remain a part of your child’s life and may share custody.

Co-Parenting into the Future

If you avoid a messy divorce and stay on good terms with your former spouse, co-parenting is much easier. You are able to support your children in their relationships with their other parent while keeping your own emotions in check. Tools like the shared calendar function on 2houses can help make your long-term parenting plans more efficient and facilitate open communication between families.

Especially if you have young children, your time as an active co-parent may span several years. Starting off on a positive note can help make those years as easy as possible on you and on your children.

Where to Go for Help

Mutual consent divorce may help co-parents keep the peace, but it’s not right for everyone. If you are thinking about ending your marriage and want to know about your options, speak with a divorce attorney in your area. During this emotionally difficult time, you may have more options than you think.

4 February 201616 April 2019

Married life on social network

Keeping a marriage alive and well has always been an ongoing challenge for couples. In the good old days, the “mother-in-law” was always blamed for interfering with the marriage. But today, social networking is the hurdle putting marriages to the test. According to Divorce-Online, a British legal service, more than a third of divorces implicate Facebook. And, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reports that more than 80% of the divorce attorneys in the U.S. see an increase in divorce actions involving social networking. So, with social media becoming a universal form of communication, what can you and your spouse do to protect your relationship?

Don’t Post Anything You May Regret

It’s very tempting in the heat of a marital spat to want to vent. Before the internet, you would confide in your best friend over a cup of coffee. No big deal if you said some things you regret – it was just one person after all. But social media is real time and it’s not just one person you are sharing with … it’s the world. While you may be looking for an appreciative audience to validate your grievances, friends and family don’t want to be put in the middle – and it’s likely to back fire on you.

A good example of sharing too much information is a woman who posted complaints about her spouse every day on Facebook. At first, her friends thought she was just prone to drama or she and her spouse might be going through a rough patch. But as time went on, the posts became more toxic and her friends became more uncomfortable. One by one, they started to defriend her, and ultimately the couple divorced.

Regardless of the nature of your marital problems, sharing these matters on social networks leads to feelings of betrayal and lack of trust. And, hurtful posts can reduce your chances of working out problems.

Think About the Kids

If negative postings make adults uncomfortable, just think how they affect children who may have access to their Mom or Dad’s Facebook page? It can be very embarrassing for children, force them to choose sides and foster feeling of insecurity. Kids should never be a part of your marital fights … on line or off.

Set Clear Social Media Boundaries

Just as you monitor your children’s use of social media, you and your spouse need to set rules for yourselves. Nothing should be shared with the outside world unless you’re both in agreement … even good positive moments. Not everyone wants the intimate details of their lives out on the web, or pictures posted that they feel uncomfortable with others seeing.

Be cautious and considerate about whom you befriend. How secure do either of you feel with befriending people from past relationships? Refrain from posting comments to others that could be misconstrued as suggestive or flirting. And, come to an agreement on time spent networking before it becomes an issue.

By sharing your Facebook passwords with each other, you can build trust and help keep yourselves within your agreed boundaries. Remember that openness and honesty helps build the foundation for a good marriage. And, if you cannot post something nice … don’t post anything at all!

13 May 201416 April 2019

I’m afraid to make mom or dad sad if…

The most crucial component of successful co-parenting and child happiness is communication. Both parents must communicate amicably and effectively with each other. They must also facilitate positive communication between the child and parents, as well as the child and siblings.

Communication

Children often blame themselves for the end of their parents’ relationship as a way of understanding a confusing and scary change in life. It is important to communicate to your child that they are in no way responsible for what is happening. By stressing this message, you can help your child avoid developing anxiety or resentment over what they perceive to be the loss of a parent.

Getting used to having separated parents who live in different places can be confusing to the children and lead to the idea that he or she must choose between mom and dad. Use these tips to help your child deal with the feelings of “choosing” a parent:

Let your child know that they never have to choose between mom and dad
At the same time, let them know it’s okay to want to spend time each parent
Make it clear that you want them to spend time with their other parent
Have an open channel of communication so your child isn’t afraid to tell you if he or she wants to spend time with the other parent

Children are often reluctant to communicate openly during a divorce or separation because they are afraid their parents will be sad if they don’t take mom or dad’s side. Questions like “Will mom be sad if I want to spend the weekend at dad’s house?” or “Will dad be mad if mom takes me shopping for school clothes?” are common for children of divorced parents. By encouraging open communication, reassuring the child that he or she is not to blame, and stressing that neither parent will be hurt or sad by the child’s requests, you can help your child navigate this confusing time.

Organization

Along with communication, organization is essential to avoid many common issues encountered with kids of divorce. By keeping an organized handle on your child’s life, coparenting can be a rewarding partnership, rather than a source of conflict. Simple acts like calling the other parent if you are running late or have a change of plans can keep everyone happy and avoid conflict and resentment.

Organizational tools, like the 2houses website or mobile app, allow you and your co-parent to have a shared source of information pertaining to your child including a calendar, journal, photo album, finance notes, messages, and an info bank. By using this app, which lets you instantly share information synched to your phones, many of the hassles of coordinating drop offs and pick ups, finance issues, and relaying information of your child, can all be done with a few simple clicks.

By focusing on positive communication and effective organization, divorce doesn’t have to be the end of a family, but can instead facilitate a loving co-parented family bound by respect, joy and, happiness.

8 February 201416 April 2019

Get your wallet ready for the divorce

If you believe divorce is in the foreseeable future, it’s a smart move to starting planning your finances and budget before divorce proceedings begin. Transitioning to a life after divorce will be much easier and with less of an upheaval when you are financially prepared. Meet with your planners, use online resources and create a divorce team so you can expertly navigate the details of a divorce. This post will discuss some suggestions to help get you started and ensure a smoother journey on this difficult path.

Meet with a Financial Advisor and Estate Planner

Make a plan to meet with a financial advisor to review bank accounts, life insurance policies, retirement funds and other important financial papers. If these accounts are in your name, your advisor will ensure the right beneficiaries are listed and the funds invested in are appropriate for your situation. An Estate Planner can help you draw up a new Will, advise on obtaining new insurance quotes and advise on your tax situation. Deductibles and other taxation issues will arise, especially if children are involved.

Open your own financial accounts

If you don’t already have your own personal bank accounts or credit cards, open them now and start using them. It can be difficult to obtain credit after your divorce, especially if you are a stay-at-home mom or have put your career on hold. While still married, you can use your shared household income when applying for credit.

Review your credit report

Obtain your credit report and review it for anything that may have tarnished your credit history. If mistakes are present in the report, take steps to correct them now. Pay down any debts you have to improve your credit rating.

Become familiar with online resources

You can find online tools and mobile apps to manage expenses for both households after the divorce. These are great tools to capture expenses and income to keep the accounts balanced and are especially important when children are involved. If your divorce settlement will include monthly support payments, a feature in this online resource will send out friendly reminders that payment has not yet been received which can help to avoid conflicts in your post-divorce relationship with your spouse.

Conclusion

With a looming divorce you will experience many emotions from sadness to worry to peace of mind. Having familiarity with your current finances, especially if your spouse handled the money will bring you confidence and security about your future. Keep your team and resources close at hand so you too can look forward to a single, joyous and independent life.