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Creating a 50/50 Custody Schedule That Works

50/50 Custody Schedule

Did you know that, according to The Daily Campus, 39% of marriages in the US end in divorce? Considering how common divorce is, it’s clearly the right choice for many people. That being said, divorce can be a little more complicated when children are involved.

If you’re in the middle of divorce proceedings, then you’re probably looking into custody solutions.

For example, the 3-3-4-4 or 50/50 custody schedule. This way, you and your ex-partner can do what’s best for you both and your children.

Divorce can be a challenging time. It’s best to do what you can to make it easier for your children.

But how do you find a custody schedule that’s best for your family? Not knowing what solution is best for you makes this time even more challenging and stressful.

Fortunately, there are several ways you can use the 50/50 custody schedule. In this article, we’ll review the different types of 50/50 custody you can use.

This way, you and your partner will be happy with your joint custody agreement and your children will be too. Finally, you can move on and move forward, starting your new lives. Read on to learn more.

Factors to Consider With a 50/50 Custody Schedule

Before we go into the different 50/50 joint custody schedule examples, it’s important to review factors to consider. This is because, depending on you and your ex-partner, different join custody solutions will work best. The factors to consider include:

  • Distance
  • Communication
  • Work schedules
  • Activity and school schedules

In terms of distance, this custody schedule is best if you and your ex-partner live close to each other. This is because a 50/50 schedule requires frequent exchanges. If you live in the same neighborhood or blocks away, it can work easily.

However, if you and your ex-partner live far away from each other, this solution could easily become complicated. Imagine having to rush across town to drop off your kid. Or having to drive to another state every weekend.

As you can see, a 50/50 schedule is best if you and your ex-partner live close to each other. If you’re still working out the schedule, it may be worth speaking to your partner about this.

You could find a solution that works. For example, renting a room near the main house.

Communication

With this child custody schedule, communication is key. Because you will be seeing each other frequently, you need to prioritize getting along well with your ex-partner. The last thing you want is for your children to see more conflict.

If you and your partner have trouble communicating, it’s worth speaking with a professional. This way, if you use the 50/50 custody schedule, you’ll have communication ground rules to follow.

Additionally, you need to be able to communicate in case there are any issues that require patience. When meeting up with your ex-partner, many problems can arise that are out of their control.

For example, meetings running late or unexpected traffic jams. If you think communication might be an issue with these situations, you have two options.

First, you can choose not to go with a 50/50 child custody schedule. Second, if you really want this schedule because it’s best for the kids, use one that has fewer exchanges. (We’ll review the different options later in this article.)

Work Schedules

You will also want to think about your work schedule. Are you often at work late? Does your ex-partner work on the weekends? This will have an impact on your 50/50 schedule. Having a shared calendar can help you decide what works best for you both.

Activity and School Schedules

Finally, there are your children’s activity and school schedules to consider. If they have a long spring break, this might impact the schedule. If one of your children finishes school before the other, this could mean exchanges might be best during the weekend.

You’ll also want to consider your children’s extra-curricular activities. You don’t want your 50/50 custody schedule to interrupt the activities they look forward to throughout the week.

To avoid this, you can get creative and find a solution out of the following examples. This way, the whole family will be happy with the new schedule.

It can also help to speak with your children. If they’re younger, they might not be able to get involved. However, pre-teens and teens might appreciate you reaching out about these arrangements.

Of course, keep in mind that this could be emotional for them—so ensure you are comforting and open when you speak with them.

Example 1: Alternating Weeks

The simplest 50/50 custody schedule is the alternating week’s schedule. With this schedule, your children spend one week with you and then one week with your ex-partner. Parenting exchanges in this schedule are minimal, occurring only once a week.

Even though there are fewer exchanges, you’ll both spend a lot of time with your children.

A full week will give your children the time they want to spend with you. You’ll be able to have dinner together, share their activities, and help them with their homework.

This can free up weekends for each parent if the exchange is during the workweek or on Sunday evenings. If the exchange occurs during the weekend, then each parent can have a weekend day with the kids.

Keep in mind, however, that this schedule is best for older kids. They’ll appreciate the stability that gives them time to focus on their studies and activities. They’ll also be able to manage not seeing a parent for a whole week.

Younger children, on the other hand, might not want to wait so long.

Example 2: Alternating Weeks With Overnight

The alternating weeks with an overnight schedule is almost the same as the alternating week’s schedule. The only difference is that, in the middle of the week, the kids get to see their other parent. It might look something like this over one month:

  • Week 1: Kids see parent A, with a visit from parent B
  • Week 2: Kids see parent B, with a visit from parent A
  • Week 3: Kids see parent A, with a visit from parent B
  • Week 4: Kids see parent B, with a visit from parent A

This works if you want a simple schedule, but don’t want to be away from your children too long. However, it may be stressful for your children. It can be difficult to switch up where they’re sleeping once a week.

For this reason, this joint custody schedule also works better with older children. They might find it annoying, but they’ll understand. A younger child, on the other hand, might not understand.

This said, if you have teens, they may feel more heard if you ask them what they think.

They might say no to the schedule. They might also let you know what nights work best for them. Either way, being involved will help them during this transition.

Note that if you live a bit far from your ex-partner, an overnight once a week could be tricky. However, doing it over the weekend could be a good solution.

Example 3: 2-2-3 Schedule

Another 50/50 custody schedule is the 2-2-3 schedule. It works like this. Children stay with parent A for 2 nights, then parent B for 2 nights, then parent A for 3 nights. Then, you switch. They stay with parent B for 2 nights, then parent A for 2 nights, then parent B for 3 nights.

If you have younger children, this can be a good custody schedule. This is because your children won’t have to go as long without seeing you.

However, there are some issues with this schedule. For one thing, there are more meetings you and your ex-partner will have. Conflict could easily arise.

For this reason, if you choose this schedule, you should work with your partner to avoid conflict. Even though this can be challenging, it’s worth putting in the work.

If this schedule makes your children happier, then it helps to make these meetings less antagonistic. Additionally, it can improve your communication with your partner overall to avoid conflict.

Another issue with this schedule is that the days you and your partner have your children over alternate every week. If you have a busy schedule yourself, this can cause some issues.

With a schedule like this, it helps to have a flexible schedule yourself. For example, instead of doing yoga only on Mondays, you can commit to doing it once a week. Planning your schedule months in advance can also help.

This way, you won’t be blindsided by suddenly having to pick up the kids at school.

Example 4: 3-3-4-4 Schedule

When you’re using the 3-3-4-4  schedule, your children will have a bit more stability than with the alternating week’s schedule. This is because they will be seeing both of their parents more regularly. It’s also a bit easier schedule-wise for the parents.

For example, if the schedule starts on a Sunday, you’d have the kids Sunday through Tuesday.

Then, your partner would have them Wednesday through Friday. The only day when you would meet to exchange the children would be Saturday.

With this schedule, you would be able to have more movie nights, make time for exercise, and focus on your work schedule.

This is helpful not only for you but also for your children. Because both you and your ex-partner will be a little more organized, it’s less likely that there will be too much conflict.

You’ll also be less stressed and more productive with your time, which your children will notice.

Finally, it will also be easier for you to keep track of your children’s activities. This is because your schedule will be more finalized. You’ll be less likely to forget to pick them up from soccer practice.

If you have teens, remember to avoid having the exchange fall on a Friday or Saturday if possible. This may be easier for you or your ex-partner. However, it may be annoying for your teens.

They need some consistency in their social life, too. So speak with them before implementing this schedule.

Example 5: 2-2-5-5 Schedule

The 2-2-5-5 schedule is beneficial for parents in the same way the 3-3-4-4 schedule is. You and your ex-partner will be able to have more consistency every week. For example, let’s say you start the schedule on a Sunday.

In this case, the only alternating days are Saturday and Thursday. Every other day will stay the same, making it easier for your to plan your life. (As well as your children’s activities.)

This can also help your children have a better sense of consistency.

However, keep in mind that 5 days without seeing one parent might be a bit intense for younger children. Keep in mind that with teens, they might not want their alternating day to fall on a Friday or Saturday.

To be sure that your teens are happy with the arrangement, speak with them about what days might work best.

Need More Information?

Now that you know about how to create a 50/50 custody schedule that works, you might need additional information. Perhaps you want to learn about other types of custody schedules where one child is with one parent more.

Or perhaps you want communication advice for recently divorced ex-couples. Whatever information you need, 2Houses can help you.

They can help you communicate, create a co-parenting calendar, and more. To register with 2Houses, find out more now.

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6 Tips To Reduce The Stress Of Co-parenting

6 Tips To Reduce The Stress Of Co-parenting

Parenting already is a difficult task, but co-parenting, especially with an ex-partner, may prove to be even more complicated. Adapting to the reality of being a co-parent isn’t always easy and swift. It might take a while to come to terms with it, and you’d occasionally have to make sacrifices.

However, always bear in mind that it’s for the betterment of your child/children. You might have to make some compromises you don’t like.  Being a co-parent comes with a heap load of stress. Luckily, this article will explain six ways on how to deal with stress.

1.   Find a support system to vent your feelings.

The stress and mixed emotions that come with co-parenting can be very draining and infuriating. You will occasionally get mad at the co-parent for not doing things your way or in a way you like.

However, It’s important to understand you can’t be in control of everything. Keeping emotions pent up might lead to harboring ill feelings towards your co-parenting partner.

Thus, a support system to vent your emotions will provide you the soft cushion you need to release all the negativity. That support system could be a trusted friend, a therapist, or even a support group. It will make you feel less alone, and your support system can also serve as a voice of reason or advisor during misunderstandings.

You could also release accumulated stress by treating yourself to some white zinfandel wine. This wine is fantastic, and it contains many ingredients that help the body relax.

2.   Effective communication is vital.

As a co-parent, you always have to be accessible to your co-parenting partner at all times. Communication is the most essential and fundamental part of good parenting. Treat your co-parent as a business partner and be civil with them.

Communicate effectively through a designated medium which you’d both agree on. Talk about everything involving your child, so you and your co-parenting partner can make the best decisions. Never forget they’re your partner in this, so don’t make decisions solely.

3.   Create a schedule or calendar to go by.

Organizing and creating a parenting schedule goes a long way in ensuring both parents get to spend equal time with the child. This helps prevent a dispute over visitations and vacations. Plan, even for the unexpected. The schedules will make your life ten times easier as few circumstances would catch you unprepared.

4.   Don’t view your co-parent as an enemy.

Any bad history or issues you might have with the co-parent should be left behind in the past so as to not affect your child. Don’t do anything spiteful to your ex-partner based on your sentiments alone.

Your children’s state of mind and wellbeing as a whole always come first. So, it would be best to avoid doing things because you want to prove a point to the other parent. Make decisions based on what’s best for your child/children.

Strive to have a healthy relationship with the co-parent. Misunderstandings are bound to happen when two individuals have to decide on the same thing but make sure it’s a peaceful and mature conversation that ensues. Having disputes or quarrels in front of your child/children should be avoided at all costs because there’s a high tendency it will reflect on their behavior.

5.   Leave the kids out of grownup matters.

Keep the kids out of your issues, fights, and decision-making with your co-parent. It doesn’t matter if you’re upset at the co-parent, don’t get the child/children involved. They might be acting unreasonable, but never badmouth or demean them to your child or children. Consider their feelings towards this parent and don’t make a big deal out of minor situations.

6.   Learn to be flexible.

There will be instances where your co-parent might want to switch scheduled parenting days with you due to some unforeseen events. Hence, you should try as much as possible to be flexible. It is essential to understand that not all you plan would follow the order you plan it, and that’s okay.

Above all else, you should put your child’s convenience above yours. Amidst all this planning, it is easy to neglect your child’s feelings altogether.

It would be best if you always had a contingency plan for times when you’re busy. Some of these include dropping your child off at a trusted relative or friend’s place.

Final Thoughts

Co-parenting can sometimes feel like an extra job, but it’s worth the work at the end of the day. Even though you might be busy with your child/children, care for yourself too. Take a time out once in a while to do something for yourself. Go out with friends, get a massage, go dancing – whatever it might be as long as it relieves your stress.

If you don’t relieve your stress and you allow it to accumulate, you would do more harm than good to both you and your child.

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How to Split and Manage Shared Expenses Between Divorced Parents?

Split and Manage Shared Expenses Between Divorced Parents

Children are expensive. A middle-income family can expect to spend 12,980 dollars every year per child in their household. Expenses increase as a child ages, with families spending 900 dollars more per year on teenagers. 

These costs don’t go away when parents separate. Both must contribute so that all of their child’s needs are met. 

But finding a solution for shared expenses is difficult. Many people don’t want to talk to their ex about anything, let alone money. Others don’t know what to do after having a talk. 

Start with the basics, then work your way to developing a nuanced and comprehensive parenting plan. Here is your guide.

Discuss Shared Expenses With Your Co-Parent 

After a separation, you may not want to talk to your ex. Give yourself time to think things over and get your feelings out of yourself. Rebuild some confidence in yourself and talk to the people you love, including your child. 

But you need to have a conversation with them about finances. As soon as you’re ready, contact your ex and ask to meet with them. You can bring lawyers or friends if you want. 

Both of you should break down all of your child’s expenses, including for emergencies. Then you should decide how each of you will pay toward the expenses.

You don’t have to decide all of this in one meeting. You should have a general understanding of what you will pay, then you should go to a financial advisor. You should then follow up with your co-parent over what to do next. 

Keep in mind that your financial picture may change. Both of you should have an understanding of what you will pay, yet both of you should be flexible. 

You do not have to split things 50-50. If one of you makes more money than the other, that parent can chip in more money. 

If you make such an arrangement, you should not tell your child that. They may think that the parent who pays more loves them more. Do not tell your child what is happening behind the scenes, though you should contact them every day. 

Try to have separate conversations about child custody and other arrangements. Talking about everything over one day can be exhausting and can lead to arguments. You should bear in mind that you can split payments while not splitting custody. 

Write an Agreement 

Once both of you have settled terms, you need to write a formal agreement. Your agreement does not have to be long, but it should be clear. 

Write out what your child’s current expenses are. Then provide thorough details on how each of you will pay toward them. Specify your payment methods and the amounts each of you will pay. 

Touch upon what will happen if one of you cannot make a payment. You should also address what would happen if your child gets into an emergency. Clarify how you will pay for medical expenses and additional support. 

Your discussion of shared expenses can go inside a larger parenting agreement. You can also write a separate document to deal with custody and visitation. 

When you’ve written your agreement out, send copies to your lawyer and financial advisor to review. If one lawyer disagrees with some language, have a conversation about that disagreement. Do not edit the document on your own initiative, as this will cause distrust with your co-parent. 

Deal With Child Support

If you establish a thorough agreement with your co-parent, you do not need to engage in a formal child support process. But if you cannot, you can head to the courts to deal with child support. This is a good option for people who were in an abusive or acrimonious relationship with the other co-parent. 

There are several models you can use to calculate payments. The income shares model divides expenses based on the parents’ combined incomes. If one co-parent earns two-thirds of their combined incomes, then they will pay two-thirds of expenses. 

Child support generally covers necessities like housing and food. Your arrangement may not cover additional expenses like electronics. Try talking with your co-parent about how you will provide for these things. 

Remain In Contact 

You do not have to touch base with your co-parent every day. But you should keep a line of communication open in case either of you needs to adjust a payment. 

If you can’t meet a payment one month, you should notify your co-parent in advance. Tell them how you plan on covering your end of the expenses. Apologize and take action to ensure that that won’t happen again. 

If you or your child gets into an emergency, you should tell your co-parent as soon as possible. Do not let them find out from someone else. Even if they do not have custody, they should know since it impacts their payments and relationship with their child. 

If you are not comfortable talking with your co-parent directly, you can use an intermediary. Consider using a mutual friend instead of a lawyer. Do not use your child to send messages to your co-parent. 

You may want to make edits to your original parenting plan. This is fine.

Talk over what edits you want to make and make sure your ex is happy with them. Then make the edits as soon as possible. If you don’t put the new terms into writing, a court may not accept them. 

Handle School Expenses 

If there is one area you should focus on, it is schooling. Many people think that schooling is an insignificant expense because public schooling is free. But it is more expensive and complicated than it seems. 

While the schooling itself may be free, extracurriculars may not. Athletes are expected to buy their own equipment. Robotics and public speaking tournaments have registration fees. 

Your child will need binders, paper, and pens to write with. As they get older, they will need a laptop and cell phone. 

During the summers, your child may go to summer camp. They may go on a vacation. These activities can cost thousands of dollars, especially if they do them summer after summer. 

If your child is young, you do not need a formalized plan to cover these payments. But you should have one before they enter extracurriculars, especially at the middle school level. 

You should protect your child’s college funds. Specify how each of you will contribute toward them in your parenting agreement. If you are concerned that the money will be misused, you can request a judge to keep your co-parent from accessing the account. 

Remember that tuition is not the only expense for college. You need to cover moving and living expenses, especially if your child goes out of state. Figure out arrangements for those as well. 

How to Save Money

You can save money while co-parenting. Nesting allows the two of you to pool housing money together. 

Most custody models involve the co-parents living in separate houses and the child alternating between them. The co-parent who leaves often buys a duplicate set of belongings for their child so they feel comfortable.  

In nesting, the child stays in one house and the parents swap out. This minimizes disruption for the child and prevents having to buy new belongings for them. 

If money is tight, both co-parents can remain in the house but in separate rooms. There are no moving expenses in this option. This is only good for co-parents who separate on amicable terms. 

Many parents compensate for the disruption by buying their child gifts. Expensive children’s toys may provide momentary relief, but the added expenses will come back to bite you. 

Share experiences with your child rather than things. Take them on a walk in a local park. Invite their friends to come over and play a game with them. 

There is little reason to buy expensive children’s furniture. You can find cheaper options at a thrift store or yard sale. Keep your eye out in your local newspapers for those. 

Both parents should buy a life insurance package for themselves. In case one of you dies, the package will provide payments for your child. 

How to Monitor Payments

You can check your co-parent’s payments through several means. A co-parenting app provides easy access to all documents, including your payment plan. You can get an overview of your financial picture and see if all accounts are balanced. 

You can establish savings accounts or shared lines of credit. You can then check in on the accounts through your bank. 

Do not ask your co-parent when they have paid. Do not tell them that you are monitoring their payments. They may take offense and avoid paying. 

Not paying child support is a crime that can result in criminal penalties. If your co-parent refuses to pay, you should report them to the authorities. 

Center Your Child 

Paying children expenses is frustrating. Talking with your partner about finances may lead to arguments. 

But you should shift your attention to your child. Remain focused on their welfare and take pride in how you are supporting them. 

Do not loop your child in on your finances. If they hear that you are struggling to pay bills, they will become anxious. 

Do not tell your child what the other co-parent’s finances are. Tell them that you two will meet all of their needs without worry. 

Your co-parent may try to take your child’s affection by showering them with toys. Do not do the same thing. 

Have a conversation with your co-parent behind the scenes. Talk to them about how you can accommodate paying for toys and gifts. Try to see if you can both chip in on a gift to present to your child. 

Your child may want to talk to someone after your separation. Pay for them to see a therapist or psychiatrist. Give them all the time they need to build self-esteem and confidence. 

As your child gets older, they may have a paying job. You should not expect your child to contribute to their own expenses. They should save their money for their own life and for things they want to buy. 

Expect to provide for your child after they become a legal adult. Less than one-quarter of young adults are financially independent. You may need to provide support even after they leave home, so make sure you have the resources for this. 

Discuss Terms With a New Partner 

You may have a new partner soon after your separation. Avoid introducing them to your child right away. Try to wait at least a year if you can. 

In the meantime, talk about your parenting arrangements with your partner. It can be hard to balance co-parenting and dating, so make sure your partner knows where you stand. 

Your partner may want to embrace a parenting role with your child. If that’s the case, you can discuss financial obligations with them. 

You should not expect your partner to pay for your child otherwise. They may be okay with paying for a lunch or a toy. But you and your co-parent should cover your child’s main expenses. 

If you have a child with your partner, you need to consider those payments. You are still expected to pay for your first child. Make sure you have enough money to cover everything. 

If your parent has a co-partner who is willing to pay expenses, you can adjust your parenting plan. They may divide your co-partner’s payment between themselves. You should not expect to decrease your own payment. 

The Right Way to Split Shared Expenses

You can split shared expenses without too much hassle. When you’re ready, have a conversation with your ex. Work out a formal parenting plan that lists out everything you need to pay. 

Keep a line of communication with your co-parent. Make edits to your plan as you need to.

Remain focused on your child. Do not tell them information that will worry them. Loop in a new partner if they are willing to assume a parenting role. 

Become a great co-parent with the facts. 2houses offers nuanced guides. Read our guide on successful parenting tips. 

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Co-Parenting With No Communication?

Co-Parenting With No Communication

Communication is critical. A 2017 study found that lack of communication was the single leading cause of marital separations. Some couples were unable to resolve their arguments, while others stopped talking entirely. 

Lack of communication does not end when a relationship does. Many parents are co-parenting without remaining in contact with the other co-parent.

This can be for good reason. But at some point, you have to talk to your ex. 

When should you have a conversation, and what should it be about? How can you co-parent while having little to no contact with your ex? 

Answer these questions, and you can become a terrific co-parent. Here is your guide. 

During a Separation 

People go through a wide range of extreme emotions during a separation, even a mutual one. It is often a good idea to avoid talking to your ex. 

Talk to a friend, neighbor, or co-worker about what you are experiencing. Feel free to be emotional. The more you let out, the less you will take back to your home. 

If it will make you feel better, you can leave your home and find a temporary place to live. Try to stay with a friend or relative so you can talk to someone. Make sure you can remain in contact with your child. 

You should avoid communicating with your ex’s family and close friends. They may have strong opinions about you and vice versa. You should engage with them only if you are concerned about the well-being of your ex. 

Give yourself some alone time. Pray, meditate, or go for a walk. Try to be introspective, naming your feelings and finding ways of dealing with them. 

If you want to talk to your ex, be brief. Focus on your child and what both of you can do to provide support for them.

You may not want to talk to your ex. But both of you should break the news that you are separating. You should appear together, telling your child that you love them and will be in their lives. 

Prepare with your ex what you are going to say. Avoid talking about what led to the separation. Focus on assuring your child and leave it at that. 

Communication Advice

It is okay to avoid communicating with your ex for a few months. After a certain point, you should try to reach out to them. 

Ask to meet them in person in a professional setting. If it makes you or them feel comfortable, you can bring another person to the meeting. They can be a mediator or a mutual friend. 

Keep things formal. Approach the interaction like it is a business meeting. Speak with respect and neutrality, without getting emotional. 

Allow for some back-and-forth. Ask questions to the co-parent, and listen to what they have to say. Be prepared to make compromises and negotiate terms with them. 

If the conversation is not going well, do not become frustrated. Practice some quick stress relief techniques like wiggling your toes. 

Try to follow up on your dialogue, preferably in face-to-face interactions. If that’s not possible, schedule a time where you can talk on the phone. Email and text messages are too indirect and informal. 

Under no circumstances should you use your child as an intermediary. If you cannot communicate with your spouse directly, communicate through a friend or your lawyer. 

Working Out Co-Parenting Arrangements

There are several things you should work out with your ex. The first is child custody.

Nearly all couples resolve on joint custody, yet there are several models you can choose from. You can alternate weeks, or you can assign a few days within one week for each parent. You can pursue an option like nesting, where the child stays in one house and the parents alternate out. 

If you do not decide on joint custody, you must discuss visitation. A non-custodial parent should still play a role in their child’s life. You should discuss how the non-custodial parent and their child will interact, including over the phone. 

You also need to talk about finances. Both of you need to decide how you will pay for your child’s schooling, healthcare, and food. You can share bank accounts, or one can pay child support into the other’s bank account. 

Keep your interactions with your co-parent limited to these topics. Put into writing what you have decided, then run your arrangements by your lawyer. 

Write a formalized parenting plan. Include a schedule with specific times and dates for when each co-parent will assume custody. Describe how you will meet your child’s financial means

It is essential that you talk to your co-parent about these arrangements. If you cannot do so face-to-face, do so over the phone with your lawyer’s permission. If you cannot do that, let your lawyer and theirs talk to each other. 

Presenting a United Front

You may decide not to be in communication with your co-parent. This gives you a clean break from your relationship, which can help your healing process. 

But avoiding communications may pose some problems. You should not let your child know that you are not talking to their co-parent. If your child sees that you two are not talking, they may think that you will not talk to them. 

If they ask you a question about their other co-parent, remain as respectful as possible. Tell them that you are sorry that you and the co-parent live in separate houses. Remind them that you love them and care for them. 

Make sure that your style of parenting is consistent with their style. Curfews and means of discipline should be near identical. Both of you should check that your child is completing their homework assignments and doing well in school. 

Keep your child’s schedule as consistent as possible. Both you and your co-parent should make their meals at the same time. This will make the transition process a lot easier for them. 

Both of you should attend important events for your child. You can sit apart from each other, though your child should be able to see both of you at the same time. Make eye contact and cheer them on. 

Establishing Boundaries 

In front of your child, both of you need to work together. Behind the scenes, you should adopt some boundaries with your co-parent. 

Even if you establish some contact with them, you should not turn to your co-parent for relationship advice. Do not ask them or their friends if they are seeing anyone else. 

If you are seeing someone, you should not volunteer that information. Though your co-parent may be okay with your relationship, you may make things awkward with them. You should only talk about another relationship if it impacts your parenting. 

Avoid checking their social media pages. You can unfriend or block them. 

If they work at a place you frequent, try to avoid going to that place. If they see you, you may get into an argument with them. 

In general, try to avoid thinking about your co-parent’s personal or professional life. It is not relevant to your own. Focus on yourself and your child’s needs. 

Long-Distance Parenting

You will have to engage in some long-distance parenting at some point. Your child may want to make a phone call to you. You may be away on business and unable to fulfill your custody obligation. 

For two co-parents who do not want to contact each other, long-distance parenting is essential. There is no need for the two co-parents to meet and exchange the child. The child can remain in one room and interact with their co-parent from a distance. 

There are several long-distance co-parenting tips you can consider. Use software like Zoom that allows your child to see you. A phone call is okay, but a video feed provides a stronger connection. 

You may be away from your child, but you can still have fun. Play games like “Would You Rather” that let you talk with your child about silly topics. 

Create some fun traditions with them. Designate a night of the week as a game night, or find some way both of you can give back to your community.

Do make sure that you can find time to interact with your child in person. Work out a time with your co-parent where you two can do something together. 

Pick-Ups and Drop-Offs

It is possible to pick up and drop off your child without speaking to the other parent. You should notify them about when you are arriving. 

You can remain outside, then your co-parent can let your child out. Bring your child into a car and drive off. 

If you don’t want to go near your co-parent, you can ask someone to bring your child to your house. A close relative like a grandparent is best for this. 

During Emergencies 

In your parenting plan, you and your co-parent should decide how to handle emergencies. You should determine what custody will look like if one of you cannot assume your role. You should also decide how to contact the other co-parent if your child is in an emergency. 

It is important that you contact your co-parent if your child is sick or injured. You do not have to give full details.

You should tell them what is going on and how your child is doing. If your child is in the hospital, you should tell them which hospital. The co-parent should let you know when they are arriving. 

When both of you can visit your child, both of you should visit. Try to visit them at the same time to show united support. If that’s not possible, decide a time when each of you can talk to your child independently.  

Pursuing a New Life

As mentioned previously, you should not talk about any new relationships you are pursuing. But your partner may want to play a role in your child’s parenting. 

You should talk to your co-parent about this. They may feel uncomfortable with your partner disciplining or preparing meals for your child. Your partner can fulfill another role, like picking your child up from school. 

Your partner should stay within some boundaries. They should not insist that your child call them “Mom” or “Dad.” They should not counteract the parenting style of the other co-parent, though they can voice disagreements privately. 

You should also talk to your co-parent about other children. You may have a new child with your partner, or your partner may have children of your own. 

Your conversation does not have to be long. Your co-parent will not play a role in parenting your partner’s children. But they should know that their interactions with their child may change, now that there are other children in your house. 

You should always look for better communication and better parenting skills. You can talk to your co-parent about what you are figuring out.

But if the co-parent is unwilling to interact with you, don’t force interactions. Move on with your life and remain in touch with the ones you love. 

Co-Parenting the Right Way

Co-parenting while having limited communication with your ex is possible. You should refrain from talking to them during the separation. But you do need to formalize co-parenting terms. 

When you talk to them, be professional and calm. Present a united front while keeping boundaries behind the scenes.

Provide some long-distance parenting tools and drop-off protocols so you both can talk to your child. Touch base with them during emergencies and major life decisions, like having a new child.

Live the best life you can with the facts. 2houses is the Internet’s authoritative service for co-parenting. Contact us today. 

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Co-Parenting a Conflictual Siblings Relationship: A Complete Guide

conflictual siblings relationship

If you have more than one child, sibling rivalry is almost inevitable. The reasons for sibling rivalry are plentiful. As are the behaviors that arise as a result of a conflictual siblings relationship.

Managing this conflict alongside managing co-parenting challenges can feel impossible. But you’re not alone.

Many single parents deal with sibling rivalry. Many more deal with it alongside another co-parent. You just need the right information and techniques to do so.

Our complete guide will take you through everything you need to know about sibling conflict and how to resolve it as a co-parent.

What Causes Sibling Rivalry?

We’ll start by saying sibling rivalry is common in all types of family units. Whether that family has married parents, divorced parents, or one parent, one constant remains — sibling rivalry.

It is most common in families where children are of the same gender and close in age. In fact, identical twins are believed to struggle the most with sibling rivalry.

All this is to say, the cause of sibling rivalry is not often the parents or family dynamic. Although, there is obviously less sibling rivalry in homes where children feel they are treated equally.

Knowing the cause of sibling rivalry can help you figure out how to address it. The most common factors are as follows:

Birth Order

It’s true the most common sibling rivalries occur when children are closest in age. But birth order also makes a difference.

This is because the birth order of your children has an impact on them as individuals. Studies have shown this to be true many times. This impact will affect their relationship with you and their siblings. 

The characteristics associated with birth orders influence the likeliness of sibling rivalry. For example, firstborn children tend to be perfectionistic and may feel threatened by a new sibling. While second-born children tend to avoid conflict and be more in tune with other people’s emotions.

There’s no guarantee your children will follow these characteristic patterns. But you can see how these behaviors could create more conflict between siblings as personalities clash.

It’s also worth noting your own sibling position in your family impacts how you treat your children. Your experiences growing up as a first, middle, or youngest child will all affect how you treat your children.

For example, you may find it easier to relate to your oldest child if you were also the oldest child. This isn’t a bad trait, but it can cause jealousy. 

Age Difference

We mentioned age difference as a factor above, but it’s worth expanding on. Age difference affects the intensity of the rivalry.

This is because siblings close in age tend to have more access to each other. This increased access means they’re more likely to get into physical fights. While siblings further apart in age tend to spend less time with each other.

The ages of your children will also affect the likelihood of sibling rivalry. At preschool age, children are in a dog-eat-dog developmental phase. This increases the chance of conflicts. 

The good news is as children develop and grow older, conflicts should decrease. School-aged children are in a law-and-order developmental phase. They can recognize and enforce fairness.

High school-aged children have developed conscience. They should also have developed conflict resolution techniques. This means they’re less likely to fight and parents are less likely to need to intervene.

Temperament

Every child has their unique temperament. From cheeky to laid-back to challenging, we all characterize our children in some way. It’s a totally normal thing for parents to do.

But because of these temperaments, parents may treat their children differently, as may their siblings. More laid-back or easy children will annoy their siblings and parents less, thus decreasing conflict. While more challenging children will do the opposite and increase potential sibling conflict. 

Gender

In some families, a child of one sex is preferred. This may only be by one parent, as opposed to both.

Regardless, children who are not the preferred gender will notice. As will the child who is the preferred gender. This unequal treatment is bound to create rivalry and increase conflict between siblings.

Physical Influences

All humans are affected by physical factors, but this is never truer than in childhood. Physical factors like tiredness, hunger, and illness will all affect sibling relationships. Even children who get on well may suddenly transform into siblings who always fight.

Other physical influences include living conditions. A messy or chaotic home will create more stress for children. Even sharing a room may increase how often children interact and may increase fights.

In co-parenting situations, where siblings share a room at one home and not the other, this complicates the issue further. There may be instances of fighting siblings at one home and not at the other. This can make single parents feel like they’re the issue when it often isn’t the case.

Parenting Style

All of the above said, parenting style does affect the likelihood of sibling conflict. Parenting styles tend to range from very aggressive on one end to very lax on the other.

Either style will increase the chance of sibling conflict. Aggressive styles may see that behavior modeled in their children’s treatment of each other. Lax styles may feel lacking in structure or attention and may fight more.

Transitional Times

Big life changes are inevitable. Children learn to cope with these as they develop and through experiencing them firsthand. Whether it’s a new baby, a divorce, or a house move, children react to change.

This reaction may come in the form of issues with siblings intensifying. It’s important to recognize when your child is going through a big change and plan accordingly.

This doesn’t mean cutting them slack altogether. But instead, teaching them how to express and navigate these feelings in a healthier way.

How to Mend a Conflictual Siblings Relationship

To effectively address a conflictual siblings relationship, it’s so important to start with the cause. From here, recognize the behaviors that have arisen as a result of it, to figure out how to address it.

The most common behaviors from a conflicted sibling relationship included:

  • Name-calling
  • Poking
  • Blaming
  • Lying
  • Stealing from each other
  • Bickering
  • Teasing
  • Arguing
  • Tattling
  • Hiding each other’s belongings
  • Breaking each other’s belongings
  • Hitting
  • Throwing things
  • Kicking
  • Biting

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Any parent can tell you that children find creative ways to torment each other!

The silver lining is that some sibling rivalry is beneficial to children’s development. Children learn to deal with power struggles and resolve conflicts. They also learn to negotiate and compromise when needed.

However, that doesn’t make the behavior acceptable to ignore. Some of this behavior is easy to tackle using normal parenting techniques like timeouts or warnings. Whereas more aggressive behavior, or more frequent displays of these behaviors, may be more concerning.

To begin with, manage your expectations. Ideally, you will do this between both parents. Sit down and discuss what realistic relationships your children may have.

For example, it is unrealistic to expect children to get on all the time. But it is not unrealistic that children know how to share with each other. 

Once you figure out a reasonable expectation of behavior, you need to approach it as a team. This means presenting a united front, whatever your own issues, and being consistent. It can also help you know when to intervene.

The easiest way to know how and when to intervene is with a traffic light system.

The Traffic Light System

Knowing when to intervene in children’s squabbles stops them from turning into a full-blown argument. The traffic light system is a simple technique. It’s designed to help you reflect on your children’s behavior and think about what your children need from you.

We’ll use examples to explain each step.

Green Light

Green light behavior would be normal sibling behavior. Things like minor name-calling, copying each other, or bickering would all fall under this light.

This is natural behavior and nothing to worry about. You don’t need to intervene. Only if your children escalate behavior should alarm bells start ringing.

Yellow Light

The same behavior that was fine a moment ago has escalated. The names have become a bit nastier and you can tell there is some upset. The volume has increased and maybe there has even been minor physical content.

This is the first point you should step in, but not to discipline. Hear each child out and acknowledge their feelings. Reflect on their views and encourage them to do the same.

This should resolve the issue as they feel they have been heard. But you can also encourage them to move on and change the topic to something else.

Orange Light

Orange light behavior sits on the borderline between play-fighting and real fighting. It can often be difficult to tell which children are doing. It can also change in a moment, from play-fighting to real fighting. 

Don’t barge in and demand they stop. Ask whether it’s play or real fighting. Make sure to hear both children out.

If it is play-fighting the break may help them reset to calmer behavior. If it’s escalated to a real fight, help them with conflict resolution, as in the step above.

Red Light

Red light behavior is unacceptable behavior that needs immediate, firm intervention. This could include a physical fight or emotional harm.

In these instances, stop your children and separate them physically if needed. If a child is injured, tend to that child first. Review the rules with both children and impose a consequence as needed. 

Consequences could include time out or confiscating an item thrown. But it’s important to make sure consequences are enforced fairly in each circumstance.

The key to making the traffic light system work is figuring out what your children need from you. Ask yourself why a behavior may be occurring and how your children might resolve it. This will help you know when to intervene.

Consistent Co-Parenting

As we said above, the key to managing conflicting siblings as co-parents is to behave with consistency. This means you have established rules, techniques, and consequences in both households.  

This creates structure for children. Some poor sibling rivalry behavior may still occur, but it will decrease with age and time. It also gives you the tools to manage it which can help you feel more confident.

It can help to come up with family rules to refer back to. These can be agreed upon between parents and even displayed in both homes. You can come up with these with the kids, all together as one unit. 

Common rules would include treating each other with respect, no hitting, and no tattling. But figure out what works best for you and your family.

We all know positive reinforcement goes a lot further than negative reinforcement. So it’s important both parents encourage healthy sibling relationships.  

This means being fair and not showing favoritism, as well as treating children as unique individuals. Encourage communication of feelings wherever possible and praise good communication and kindness.

In co-parenting relationships, it’s common for children to play one parent off the other if they feel they can. Regular, private communication between you and your co-parent is so important for this very reason. It stops this behavior in its tracks and lets your child know it won’t work.

Difficult Co-Parenting Relationships

It should go without saying, many co-parenting relationships are less than ideal. While all of the above advice is helpful if your co-parent is cooperative, it’s not the case for everyone.

In these instances, you can still use the same techniques above in your household. Creating harmony, consistency, and structure in your home will help your children achieve their best behavior. It may take much longer due to a lack of consistency with the other parent.

The easiest way to explain this to your children is by being transparent. Explain you know there are different rules, but these are the rules and expectations at your home. 

Keep It Consistent

It’s important to remember that conflictual siblings relationships are normal. They can be resolved by getting to the root of the problem. Then, applying consistent, fair techniques to address unwanted behavior from both co-parents.

You can find more helpful advice for many common co-parenting issues on our blog.

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Co-Parenting an Autistic Child: Everything You Need to Know

Co-Parenting an Autistic Child: Everything You Need to Know

Raising a child with autism can be both challenging and rewarding. 

Research shows that 1 in 54 children has autism spectrum disorder. Children with autism experience the world in a number of different ways. Many of them experience their parents’ separation and feel overwhelmed. 

Co-parenting an autistic child does not have to be a burden. You just need to familiarize yourself with strategies for helping autistic children. Then, you can adapt your strategies to your new life. 

It’s important to get the facts you need to help the children in your care. Here is your quick guide. 

Explaining a Separation 

Many children struggle to understand why their parents are getting a divorce. They feel upset, or they may want to be alone in order to process the news. 

Children with autism are no different. You should loop them in on what is going on.

Children with autism are perceptive and introspective. They just express and process information in different ways. 

Practice what you are going to say in advance. You can write notes or record a video rehearsing your thoughts. 

Both parents should tell the child that a separation is occurring. If you each talk to the child individually, you each may provide conflicting information. You should both show that you will support your child for the rest of your lives. 

Remain calm and clear as you’re talking. Do not cast blame on the other parent, and do not frame the separation as being one parent’s initiative. Explain that you both want something different in life. 

Your child may have many questions. Answer them. Assure them that they are not the cause of the separation. 

You can use a social story to help them understand. This is especially good for younger children or non-verbal individuals. 

However, do not talk down to your child. Put things in age-appropriate terms. 

Your child may react in a number of different ways. They may laugh or smile, or they may not show emotions at all. Be prepared for any reaction and provide calming activities for them after you have your conversation. 

Negotiating Custody

While you are negotiating custody, keep things as normal for your child as possible. Both parents should try to live in the same house. If that’s not an option, both parents should contact the child every day. 

Most separations result in joint custody. Joint custody has many advantages, including that it keeps a child in contact with both parents.

If you were not in an abusive relationship, you should opt for some sort of joint measure. This will give a good structure for your entire family. 

You can tell your child informal updates on how things are going, but don’t burden them with details. Keep them focused on school, friends, and therapy. 

Update their therapist, doctor, teacher, and support staff about your separation. It is essential that all of you are on the same page. You do not have to give details, but explain why your child may be unwilling to participate in activities. 

If your child is a teenager, keep in mind their rights during the separation process. Most states allow negotiators and judges to consider their wishes for custody and visitation. 

While deciding upon child support, make sure you talk over terms for your child’s therapy. Everything should be provided for in the plan.

Bird-Nesting

If your child needs significant help from both of you, a bird-nesting arrangement can work. In bird-nesting, the child stays in one home.

Then, the co-parents rotate living in that home based on their custody arrangement. While one co-parent lives in the family home, the other lives in another property. 

You can also arrange to have both co-parents stay in the same home but in different parts of the house. This provides maximum continuity for a child with autism. 

You can also use bird-nesting as a transition into joint custody. While you work out the final terms, you swap out while the child remains in the home. Once those terms are done, you can transition to 50/50 visitations.

Or, you can use bird-nesting as a permanent custody solution, which can be tricky. If you or your co-parent finds a new partner, it is difficult to manage a relationship while living in the same house as your ex. 

Work over boundaries and conditions. In particular, figure out how daily expenses and housing costs will be paid.

One aspect to keep in mind? Bird-nesting can lead a child to believe their parents are getting back together. They may find it confusing that their parents are rotating out.

Explain the arrangements in terms they will understand. 

You may find that bird-nesting is a great short-term solution. But in the long term, it can result in disputes with your co-parent. If that is the case, feel free to adapt, but make sure the whole family is on board. 

Handling Transitions

Many children with autism struggle with changes to their routines. They can become upset when playtime is cut short or lunchtime comes later. Having to live somewhere else can be particularly troublesome.

Make the transition as easy as possible for your child. One way that can help is creating an extended custody schedule. If you share 50/50 custody, trade your child off every week instead of every night.

Develop a little transition ritual you can perform. It can be something simple as reading a book or going out for a walk. Be sure to maintain this ritual so your child understands that it signals a move to another home. 

Give your child a calendar so that they know what the schedule is. Remind them of how many more days they will be at home with you. This gives them time to process their emotions. 

Visitation

If you do not decide on joint custody, you may decide one parent should have sole custody. The other parent will have visitation time, usually amounting to 20% of parenting time. 

This can be disruptive to children with autism, who want consistent routines. Select a regular visitation time with your other co-parent.

Keep the time consistent and extended. Rather than having one weeknight visit every week, opt for an extended visit of a couple of weeks. 

If you are the parent with visitation, make things as normal as possible. Give plenty of time for your child to do homework and pursue therapy. Integrate some fun activities, but act in a similar manner to your other co-parent. 

Make sure the child can contact both parents whenever they want to. Your child should have phone numbers and email addresses for both of you. 

The Process of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting by yourself does not have to be different than parenting with your former partner. Give your child the best tools out there to learn, play, and grow in a healthy environment. 

Set boundaries and behavioral guidelines with your other co-parent. Decide how you want to discipline your child and teach them important skills. 

Do your best to keep your child in the same school and with the same medical professionals. Too many changes at once can overwhelm them. 

Your child may test your rules, especially if they want something like a toy or an unhealthy snack. Stick to your guidelines. Both co-parents should present a united and communicative front. 

Engage in floor activities with your child. Many children with autism struggle to make eye contact. Get down on the floor and play with different toys. 

Give them age-appropriate and sensory-appropriate toys. Some children have difficulty with textures, so select soft and adjustable objects. 

When giving instructions, use smaller sentences. It can take a while for a child with autism to process long instructions. 

Keep in mind that your child may ask about the other co-parent. You can talk about them, but be brief and respectful. Do not bash them or jump to conclusions about what they are doing. 

Introducing New Partners

It is never a good idea to introduce your new partner to a child immediately after a divorce. It can be especially troublesome for a child with autism, as it can easily confuse and trouble them. 

Talk to your partner about what sort of parenting role they want to play. They may be willing to get involved in your child’s life. They may want you to take the lead. 

Whatever role they want to play, educate them on what life is like with an autistic child. Talk about your child’s development and what they do for therapy. Notify your partner about any behaviors like self-stimulation actions that they may find surprising. 

When you make the introduction itself, keep things brief and cordial. Notify your child in advance about who they will meet. Let your partner talk for themselves, but intervene if your child reacts badly. 

After the introduction, touch base with your partner. If they feel comfortable continuing a relationship, allow them to interact. 

If your partner is of a different background than the other co-parent, your child may make an uncomfortable remark. Prepare your partner ahead of time so you both know how to approach the conversation together. 

Introducing New Siblings

If your new partner has children of their own, you should also wait to introduce them. Even if you think they will get along, it can be overwhelming for everyone to meet new people. 

Talk to your partner’s children. Tell them that your child may process things a little differently, but they can still play and talk together. 

As with introducing your new partner, you want to preview the introduction for all parties. Provide a space where all of the children feel comfortable interacting with each other. It’s a good idea to play a game or read a book. 

You can move in with your partner and their children, but do notify your child of your decision. In the new environment, hold to the old routines your child had. 

Their new siblings may feel you are neglecting them, so make sure to spend plenty of time with all of the children in your care. Set aside activities you can do with those kids so they don’t feel alone. 

Caring for Yourself 

Raising an autistic child in and of itself can difficult. Dealing with a separation on top of them increases the difficulty. 

Once you and your child have settled into your routine, make sure you take time to care for yourself. During times where your co-parent is watching over your child, do things you like to do. Travel, have dinner out, and pursue creative projects. 

There are support groups for people dealing with a separation and raising autistic children. You can attend both. You can also speak to a therapist who can address both issues at once. 

Talk to an expert about what you can do to help your child with autism. Every child with autism is different, and it’s important to get all the information you need. 

Along the way, make sure that you take time to rebuild your confidence. Accept the past and celebrate the positives that are going on in your life.

Interact with your support network, including your child. They love you and want what’s best for you. 

Find Success Co-Parenting an Autistic Child

Co-parenting an autistic child requires a few different steps. Both co-parents should explain the separation together. During custody, measures should be taken to provide normalcy and routine, like nesting.

Pay a lot of attention to creating smooth transitions. Provide time for your child to do normal things. 

Take time introducing new partners and new siblings. You should also take time to care for yourself and reach out to others. 

You can be a great co-parent once you have the facts. 2houses is the Internet’s leading service for co-parents. Contact us today for more advice and information.  

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Co-Parenting During the Holidays: Top Tips for Parents

Co-Parenting During the Holidays

When you and the other parent of your child or children are no longer together, the holidays can be rough. You want to give the best holiday experience to your entire family, but our stereotype of that experience involves a family that’s still together.

Not being romantically involved with your former partner doesn’t mean that you can’t have a fun and stress-free holiday, though. After all, children often joke about the one benefit of parents in separate households: two holidays!

Jokes aside, I want to tell you how you make co-parenting easy. Between using a co-parenting app, opening up communication, managing bad feelings, and more, here are my top tips for making your holidays special despite your situation.

Talk to Your Children

The first and most important thing that you need to do is talk to your children about the holidays (as long as they’re old enough to understand). Your children are the first priority for both you and your former partner. 

If you’re old enough, ask them what they would like to do. While their choice isn’t the only factor, it gives you a good baseline. The holidays are often child-focused. 

Some children may want to stay with the parent that’s nearest their friends if the other one lives far away. Other children will want to split time. Asking their opinions gives them agency and helps them understand the negotiating process. 

Also, regardless of age, make sure that they understand the situation, especially if it’s your first holiday after a separation. They don’t know what to expect and they may get disappointed if they realize last-minute that the holidays are going to be different this year.

Preparing them ahead of time will make them more comfortable when the holidays finally roll around. This is the new normal, and it may take more than one holiday for them to accept it, but starting them off on the right foot is all that you can do. 

Make Arrangements With Your Former Partner Ahead of Time

You need to plan ahead. You don’t want to have any last-minute disputes over who gets to spend how much time with your children and where they get to spend that time. There are several ways that you can handle this situation.

If you’re on good terms, this still applies. Even the most civil or friendly of co-parenting relationships could get tense during the holidays whether you’re on your first go-around or you’ve been doing this for a while. 

Talk with your former partner about what you want and why you want it, and give them space to do the same. Think of this as a continuation of your separation negotiations. 

If you’re not on good terms, try putting aside your differences for your children, even if this means talking through a middle-man or doing everything online. 

It’s good to have things on paper. Whether it’s in the paperwork for your separation and custody agreements, written in a later contract, recorded on a co-parenting calendar, or simply discussed via text or email, having it on paper allows you to have a paper trail and prevents you or your former partner from forgetting. 

Split Time Equally

Unless there are unusual circumstances, it’s best to split time so both parents have an equal holiday experience with their children. That said, this looks different for every family. 

If you and your former partner live far away from each other, like in different states (or even countries), it may not be possible for your children to spend the same holiday in both places. In this situation, consider alternating years, but evening out the difference with other holidays. 

For example, one parent gets the winter holidays one year, but during that same year, the other parent gets Halloween or Thanksgiving. While it’s not the same, it’s fair. You exchange spots every year outside of extenuating circumstances. 

When you live close together, it’s generally easier to switch back and forth. While only one parent will have the actual holiday (and you should still swap every year), the days before and after are still valuable.

Consider giving Christmas eve to one parent and Christmas to the other. You could also consider giving New Years to the parent that didn’t get Christmas. 

If you’re in an ideal situation, it’s possible that one parent doesn’t celebrate the same holiday as the other. If you celebrate Channukah and your former partner celebrates Christmas, there’s no problem.

Work Past Bad Feelings

Sometimes you need to work through your own emotions when there are other people in the relationship. If your or your partner (or both) re-marries, there may come a time when the children could spend more holiday time with them as they could have two sets of families on each side.

Consider seeing a counselor to discuss this as it’s a more complicated situation. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with your children spending time with the other family, but they come first.  

Discuss Gifts and Activities

It’s crucial that you and your co-parent discuss the details of the holidays before they come around. Notably: the gifts and events.

While doubling up on gifts once in a while is no big deal (after all, who doesn’t want to have a bike or television at both houses?), it’s a good idea to make sure that most gifts are given by one parent or the other.

If your child still believes in Santa, not discussing gifts ahead of time could ruin the illusion. 

Make sure that neither parent tries to “out-do” the other one to cause tension with the children. If you want to get a large gift, like a cell phone, consider doing so together. There’s no need for one parent to out-do the other when the goal is to give the kids a great holiday. 

These rules also apply to events. If you live near each other, it’s tempting to take advantage of every event even if you’re doubling up. Instead, try to split them.

For example, one parent gets to do photos with Santa while the other gets to go through a winter wonderland display. 

Some children may not mind doing an event more than once, but you don’t want one parent getting to all of them first so the child is bored by the time they go through them again. 

Use A Co-Parenting App 

It’s time to start using technology to your advantage. Using a co-parenting app and co-parenting calendar makes everything more seamless year-round. 

Using that app, you can create a parenting calendar that lets you make and track an easy-to-read schedule. When changes come up, they’re easy to make and both parents have access so there’s no confusion. 

It’s easy to message back and forth in a secure setting so there’s no chance of children finding out about potential gifts. You don’t want them listening in on the phone!

It’s also great for exchanging holiday photos. The parent without the children on the holiday may feel sad that they’re missing out. When you can share photos right away, it takes away some of the stress. 

You can even set up a private “social network” so that both sides of the family can keep up with each other. You can post pictures, statuses, videos, articles, and more so everyone has access.

This is a great alternative if you’re no longer comfortable with having your former partner on your normal social media accounts. 

The apps make co-parenting as easy and painless as possible during the holidays and beyond. 

Consider Mediation or Counseling

If you’re having trouble with the negotiation process, there’s nothing wrong with seeking out an unbiased third party to help. The holidays are stressful, so even if you usually get along, you may run into snags.

Many people continue counseling even after the relationship is over. It’s good for you, it’s good for the kids, and it’s a good way to avoid problems when situations like this arise. 

Instead of managing the stress on your own, talk to a mediator. 

Give Children Special Experiences

If your children are new to having to split their holidays, it’s important that you remind them that the holidays are still a happy and special time of year. You don’t want to make them sad or you may risk your child associating that feeling with the holidays. 

This is a perfect time to plan out special experiences.

If you can, look for fun events like breakfast with Santa, light shows, musicals, and anything else that could get your child into the festive spirit. If they have a favorite place that isn’t holiday-related, now is a great time to take them.

You should spend as much family time together as possible. Not all holiday activities are expensive or far from home.

Take your child ice skating or watch some favorite holiday movies with them. Make a point to decorate the tree (if you use one) as a family. If your child bought a gift for their other parent, help them wrap it so they know there’s no animosity. 

You can use this time to set up traditions, like baking special cookies every year or making decorations. 

A split holiday doesn’t have to be a bad holiday. When you show your child how special and warm it can be, they won’t fret when it’s time to split households. 

Consider Celebrating Together

This is an unusual situation, but if you and your co-parent are both up for it, see if you’re able to celebrate together under one roof.

This isn’t always an option, especially soon after the separation occurs. That’s okay and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. 

That said, if you’re on good terms (or even friends), it doesn’t hurt to consider the possibility of working together to make a special holiday for the kids. This doesn’t mean that you’re best friends or reuniting. You’re doing this for the children. 

Your child needs to know (or at least perceive) that you and your former partner are getting along. There should be no yelling, arguing, or otherwise disrupting the peace. 

Coming together for a holiday may give your child a more stable situation. Make sure that they understand that this is a friendly occasion rather than a romantic one.

Even if your former partner has a new partner, coming together in this way can be enjoyable if you’re ready. Don’t pressure yourself, though. 

Be Flexible

Flexibility is everything, even during “normal” holidays. There’s so much to do and so little time and things rarely go to plan. 

This is extra true when you’re co-parenting during the holidays. 

Remember that things on either side may go awry. It’s possible that the other parent needs you to have the kids even when it’s “their year,” or vice-versa.

For example, if your co-parent has someone on their side of the family that they don’t get to see often who doesn’t get many opportunities to see the children, consider letting them have “your year” after negotiating a good alternative. 

Be Gentle on Yourself 

At the end of the day, this is a stressful time. You’re managing a new situation and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. You need to take time for yourself.

Engage in self-care and try to slow down despite the quick pace of the holidays. Consider seeking individual counseling if you need to discuss the events without commentary or judgment. 

Don’t put pressure on yourself to give your kids a perfect holiday. No holiday is perfect. What matters is that you’re doing your best to provide a special experience despite the circumstances. Taking care of your mental health helps you provide a better holiday for the kids. 

Use These Co-Parenting Tips for an Easier Split Holiday

No one ever said that co-parenting during the holidays was going to be easy. By using a helpful co-parenting app, keeping an open conversation with your co-parent, and prioritizing the children, it doesn’t have to be stressful. 

Remember that both you and your former partner have your children’s best interests at heart. What matters is that you all have a joyful holiday season.

Are you looking for more guidance and help for your co-parenting experience? Not only does 2houses have helpful articles that make co-parenting easy, but they also have a great co-parenting app that helps you manage all of the details of your split custody. 

For one price per family, you can revitalize your co-parenting. Sign up today and start a 14-day free trial so you can see the difference. 

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Co-Parenting Boundaries in New Relationships

Co-parenting boundaries

Did you know that 16% of American children live in a blended family?

That means that they have one biological parent and one step-parent. It’s a family unit that’s becoming more and more common, and if you’re about to become a blended family you’re definitely not alone!

Blended families can be brilliant for little ones, and some step-parents can become as important as biological parents. But, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy for you, your new partner, or your children. One of the biggest challenges in blended families is setting co-parenting boundaries with your new partner.

Luckily, we’re here to help. Take a look at our tips for setting co-parenting boundaries in new relationships and create a happy blended family.

What is Co-Parenting?

Before getting into the tips, let’s first take a look at what co-parenting is. 

If you’ve been raising your children with their biological parent and working together to bring them up, this is co-parenting. You both have input in decisions made and have a responsibility to look after your little ones. The focus in co-parenting should be entirely on the child, and you usually share equal responsibility for them. 

In relationships with two biological parents who are still together, this co-parenting structure is usually simple. Of course, there can still be hiccups, but, in general, it’s a fairly straightforward system. However, when parents divorce, the system can get a little trickier. 

One of the bumps that many divorced or single-parents face when bringing up their children is co-parenting with a new partner. It can be hard giving some responsibility for your children’s wellbeing over to someone who isn’t their biological parent, and little ones might find it hard to respect their authority. This is why it’s so important you set boundaries and make sure everyone involved is happy with the new co-parenting setup.

The Three Relationships

When you find a new partner as a divorced or single parent, there are three relationships you need to take care of.

The first relationship is with the other biological parent. Although they may not be your partner anymore, you still have a relationship with them and a responsibility to consider them in parenting decisions. Keeping them happy is essential to a smooth transition into co-parenting in new relationships.

The second relationship is with your new partner. They may struggle with having a new child in their lives, and you need to be careful to keep them happy with the dynamic, too. 

The final relationship, and the most important really, is with your child. This whole dynamic is set up to keep your child happy and make sure you, your ex, and your new partner are all benefiting their lives. It’s important not to forget your child when navigating co-parenting, and we’ll cover more of that later.

Of course, it’s not just these three people who need to be kept happy; you need to keep yourself happy too! You’re just as important, and you need to make sure you’re adding yourself to your list of priorities. 

All of these relationships need to be healthy, and everyone included during the co-parenting process. When setting boundaries, be sure to consider each person and how they’ll be affected. Now, let’s dive into how you can set healthy boundaries with your new partner.

Talk to Your Ex

Before setting boundaries with your new partner, always talk to the other biological parent first (to make things easier, we’ll refer to this person as your ex, even if they may not be). They should have just as much input into how your child is raised, and introducing a new partner to your parenting dynamic should always be discussed with them. Address any concerns your ex might have and how involved they’d like this new partner to be, as well as the contact between your new partner and your ex.

If your ex is unhappy with you having a new partner, try to limit their contact. Avoid bringing them to drop-offs and pick-ups, don’t mention them frequently, and avoid bringing them to events (such as school plays) until the relationship is serious. 

If your ex is fine with the relationship and you’re able to maintain a friendship with them, you’ll be able to discuss co-parenting more freely. Ask for their advice, discuss the boundaries you’re thinking of setting, and keep communication open with them about your new partner’s involvement in your little one’s life. When it comes to how to co-parent, you two should already be pretty good at it, so your ex’s advise could be very useful!

Talk to Your Children

The most important person (or people) to consider here is your child. Make sure you talk to them before introducing a new partner into their life, and never force a partner onto your little ones. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship if your child isn’t happy with it, but just don’t force them to spend time with the new partner or be happy with them – it’ll be much easier if they can do that in their own time. 

Make changes slowly and always keep your little ones involved. Start with a small meeting in a park or somewhere your child is happy and familiar with. Get them used to your new partner before inviting them into your home, and make sure they know that they are still your priority. 

In terms of boundaries, it can be good to discuss this with your child, too, as long as they’re old enough. Ask them what kind of relationship they hope to have with your new partner once it’s serious, and what kind of things your new partner could do that would overstep your child’s own boundaries. Be sensitive to these and make your partner aware of how your child is feeling. 

Know Your Own Boundaries

It’s easy to consider others when co-parenting, but setting boundaries is about your preferences, too! Take some time to consider how much of a parental role you’d like your new partner to have and how much input you’re happy with them having in your child life. Here are some questions to ask yourself that should help determine your own boundaries:

  • Would you be okay to leave your children alone with your new partner?
  • Are you okay with your partner disciplining your children?
  • Do you want your new partner at school meetings about your children?
  • Will you take advice on parenting from your new partner?

Working out what kind of a role you want your new partner to have is vital. If you aren’t happy with them taking a strong parental role, consider whether it would be fair to let them move in with you and your child. Or, if you don’t like the idea of them discipline your child, can you leave them alone together?

Once you’ve answered your own set of questions, you’ll be better able to talk to your partner about setting boundaries for co-parenting. 

Be Honest With Your New Partner

From the get-go, you should be honest with your new partner about your child. Let them know that your little one will always come first and they’re your priority – and if your partner doesn’t like that, you might have to reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you. Remember to let them know that they will be a priority, though, and that you’ll make sure to put aside plenty of quality time for the relationship.

Once you’re settled into your relationship, it’s time to broach the meeting between your child and your new partner. This is a great time to see how your partner will cope with you splitting your time and doing things as a family. If they’re up for it, that’s great!

Discuss how the meeting will go and make sure your new partner knows not to be too pushy with your little one. Bonds aren’t usually formed immediately, so you’ll all have to be patient. Remember, only ever introduce a new partner to your children if it’s serious, and if it is, then it’ll be worth waiting for your child to come around on their own. 

Ask About Your Partners Wishes

Remember, not all partners will want to be involved with your child. Some might be excited at the opportunity to embrace a new family and become a brilliant stepdad, while others might be nervous or not really up for it. Before you move forward, make sure to discuss how your partner feels, and let them know what you want from them too.

This is the right time to align your thinking so that you’re on the same page. If your partner is up for becoming a co-parent and wants to be involved, you can then move onto setting boundaries. If they’re not, look at how you can create a solution to this, which could be living apart until they’re ready to be more involved.

Boundaries With Discipline

Discipline is one of the most tricky boundaries to negotiate. Every parent has their own idea on how to discipline their child, and you need to make sure your partner is aware of your rules. If not, chaos is bound to ensue! 

Discuss bad behaviour in your child that you have to punish. For example, you might only let them have an hour of TV, and if you have a tantrum about wanting to watch more, you have a system in place to discipline them. The key takeaway here is that your partner won’t come into their new role knowing how to treat your child in these situations, but that you have to teach them. 

You should also learn about your partners own discipline techniques if they have children. If you’ll all be living together, you need to get on the same page about what behaviour is punished and what isn’t, and the punishments that are given. You want to create a fair environment for your little ones, so this is a must! 

If they don’t have kids, discuss how much of a role your new partner will take in discipline your child. Make sure that they’re prepared to discipline when you’re not around, but set limits on their input. A very strict partner imposing new rules on your child is probably going to cause some friction, so make sure this doesn’t happen if you’re not comfortable with it. 

What Will You Share About Your Child

Co-parents often need to share a lot of information about their child, so you need to make sure you’re happy with this. If your new partner is going to have an active role in your child’s life, they need to be kept up to date. If you’re worried about forgetting this, use a collaborative calendar to keep them in the loop and make them feel included. 

If you’re already using co-parenting tools with your ex, should your new partner be included? Make sure you speak to your ex before giving them permission to use the tools to avoid any arguments. 

Keep Communicating With Each Other

Learning how to co-parent is all about communication. As you start this journey together, keep checking in with one another to see what’s working and what isn’t. You should keep up regular chats with your child too, making sure they’re comfortable with the new dynamic and don’t have any changes they wish to make. 

Set Your Co-Parenting Boundaries

Creating co-parenting boundaries between everyone involved in your child’s life – including the child! – is vital to creating a harmonious family life. Hopefully, these tips will help you do just that, but if you need more help, be sure to check out the 2Houses blog for more tips and tricks. 

To make co-parenting easier, both with biological parents and new partners, be sure to check out our range of collaborative tools. We’ve created features to help you share your expenses, keep other parents up to date with your child’s progress, and create a more communicative family even after divorce. 

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Tips, Tricks and Talking Points for Setting Up Joint Custody

Joint custody agreement

When it comes to custody situations, there are two main types of custody orders: sole custody and joint custody. Decades ago, sole custody was much more common than joint custody, with most children living with one parent and the other parent being awarded a standard schedule of one afternoon visit a week and every other weekend. However, in recent years, the courts have recognized how important it is for children to have ongoing, close relationships with both parents and have started to move toward more joint custody arrangements. In some states, such as Maine and North Dakota, joint custody is even considered the default standard, and sole custody is only awarded if there are exceptional circumstances that make joint custody not in the best interests of the children.

3 Reasons You May Want to Consider Joint Custody

Whether you are just considering filing for custody and wondering if you should consider a joint custody situation or are wanting to switch from sole custody to joint, there are many reasons why joint custody can be beneficial for both the parents and the children.

1. It Keeps Both Parents Involved

For those that are able to co-parent well, joint custody arrangements can be very helpful. It ensures that both parents can stay active in the children’s lives, which has been shown to be beneficial for the children especially. With a joint custody arrangement, it’s more likely that both parents will be seeing the child on a more frequent basis, and both parents will also have the opportunity to transport the child to extracurricular activities, host sleepovers and playdates and get to be involved in more of the day-to-day aspects of parenting.

2. It Lets You Share the Decision-Making Burden

Having joint legal custody also keeps both parents equally involved in the decision-making process for important issues such as medical care, education and religious upbringing. When all of the burden of making these types of decisions falls on one parent, such as when there is a sole legal custody arrangement, it can be stressful. Many parents find that having joint decision-making ability lets them work together to consider ideas, bounce different options off of each other and come to a decision that both are comfortable with.

3. It Can Give You a Built-In Support System

Joint custody schedules can also ease some of the burden of being a single parent. Being the only parent in the household means there is a lot of responsibility, with most single parents juggling working, taking care of the children and managing the household. If you have a joint custody schedule and a good co-parenting relationship, the other parent can step in and provide some relief if you get called in for an extra shift, need some time to deep clean without children underfoot or just need a night to relax after a stressful day.

Some joint custody schedules include a specific clause for this called the first right of refusal. This basically means that anytime one parent isn’t going to be with the children and would be having them stay with friends or family or hiring a babysitter, the other parent gets the first opportunity to take that time. Only if the other parent refuses, does the first parent then have someone else watch the kids.

Filing for Joint Custody

Filing for joint custody is something you can do yourself, or you can have a lawyer fill out the paperwork. Which way is best depends a great deal on your unique set of circumstances. For example, if you are doing an initial filing for joint custody and your divorce has been amicable and both you and the other parent are in agreement on the custody arrangement, filing with the courts yourself can save you money over getting an attorney.

However, in situations where you are asking for joint custody when a sole custody order is already in place or if the custody situation is already contentious, it may be best to have an attorney handle things so that you can be sure the paperwork is filled out appropriately and all of your specific needs have been addressed in the filing.

Exactly how to file for joint custody varies by state, and the process may also be different if you are trying to change an existing custody order instead of doing an original filing. Below, we’ve listed the general steps as well as special considerations to be aware of depending on your situation.

1. Find Out What Paperwork You Need

Every state has a specific form that must be filed for joint custody. If you already have a custody order in place, this may be called something like a Motion for Reallocation of Parenting Responsibilities. If it’s the first custody filing for the case, it may just be the Shared Parenting Agreement that you file along with your divorce paperwork. Make sure you have the correct paperwork for your situation.

2. Gather Your Documentation

If you are requesting a modification to an existing custody order, you will need to show the court cause as to why the change is needed. Keep in mind that courts always go by what they believe is in the best interests of the children, which means your documentation needs to reflect that. It can be difficult to change from sole custody to joint custody, as some states have laws that only allow for this change if certain circumstances, such as a job loss, addiction issue or abuse, are happening. A change in custody also often affects child support, so you may need to provide recent income documentation so the courts can decide if the child support order also needs to be adjusted.

3. File With the Courts

Once you have all of the correct paperwork and corresponding documentation, you’re ready to file. If you are filing yourself, you may have to pay a small filing fee when you file the papers with the clerk of courts. You may also need to pay for the other parent to be served the papers. If you are using an attorney, these fees are usually included in the retainer amount, and you will receive an itemized statement that shows what the cost was.

4. Attend the Hearing

While it may take a while to get it completed and ready to send in, filing the custody paperwork with the courts is really only the first step. Once the filing has been accepted, you will be given a hearing date. Both parents will need to attend the hearing, and the best-case scenario is that the final decision will be made that day and you will leave the courthouse with temporary paperwork that explains the updated custody arrangement while you wait for your official copy to arrive from the court.

However, custody decisions are notorious for being drawn out, especially in cases where the parents are not in agreement. If you want joint custody and the other parent doesn’t, your case may be sent on for further hearings where both sides will be able to present documentation and even have witnesses and experts provide testimony as to why the proposed joint custody arrangement is or isn’t in the best interests of the children. Even after the judge has made a decision, there is still the possibility of an appeal.

5. Keep Your Paperwork

Once the custody agreement has been finalized, make sure to keep your official copy from the courts where you can access it easily. You may need it as a reference for how to handle things like summer vacations, birthdays and other holidays as well as other special circumstances like the children participating in extracurricular activities on the other parent’s time.

Making Joint Custody Arrangements Work

When it comes to any situation that involves parents who are no longer in a relationship and their children, the focus is always on the best interests of the children. This is what the courts look at in making custody determinations, and it’s what both parties should keep in mind as they co-parent.

Frequent, open communication and a focus on the children is the best way to facilitate joint custody, and 2Houses can help. 2Houses makes it easy to keep dates and custody schedules straight with its joint calendar feature, and you can easily upload practice dates, birthday parties and parent-teacher conferences so both parents have access to the children’s schedules at all times. Keeping track of splitting payments for program fees, school supplies and medical care is easy with the financial tracker that shows who is responsible for which portion of what bill. And there’s a built-in messaging feature so you can keep all communication and information in one place and not have to worry about keeping records of texts or emails.

No matter what kind of custody schedule you end up with, keeping the lines of communication open and making the children the number one priority can help you better navigate co-parenting.

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Co-Parenting With a Narcissist – Learn How to Deal

Co-parenting

Many people don’t hear the word narcissist to describe their partner until well after the relationship has ended, but once they start learning more about this type of personality disorder, a lot of what happened with the relationship, the breakup and the attempts at co-parenting after starts to make sense.

The Mayo Clinic defines a narcissist as someone who has “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” Learn more about this type of behavior and some tips on how to deal with a co-parent who is a narcissist.

4 Signs You May Be Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

How do you recognize a narcissist? The general traits are lack of empathy, a disregard for other people’s feelings and an extreme need for approval and attention from others. But what does this look like when it comes to the co-parenting relationship? Here are just a few of the common signs of a narcissist co-parent.

1. The Blame Is Always on You

Narcissists often live in a world where they can do nothing wrong and any issue is always the other person’s fault. In co-parenting situations, this can manifest in a variety of ways, but one of the most common is surrounding scheduling issues. For example, they cancelled a weekend with no notice, but they send you a message saying that you just make it too hard for them to see the kids. Or they miss a recital and blame you for not telling them about it even though the information was readily available to them.

2. They Lie

Narcissists are not known for their honesty, and they often lie with little regard to the consequences it has for other people. A narcissistic parent might say they are on their way to pick up the children only to inform you an hour later that they aren’t coming at all, or they might promise the kids a big birthday party only to go away on a solo trip that weekend.

3. They Seem to Enjoy the Conflict

Co-parenting has its conflicts no matter how good the overall relationship is, but narcissists often create conflict where there isn’t any and actually enjoy the attention and focus that comes from that conflict. For example, maybe the other parent has asked to switch you weekends and you’ve agreed. The narcissist parent may then try to create drama by saying something like, “I don’t know why you don’t want me to see the kids.” This creates confusion for the healthy parent because they have given the other parent what they want but is being accused of something that’s not happening. These tactics are often referred to as gaslighting.

4. They Use the Children Against You

One of the most common characteristics of a narcissistic parent is that they use the children as weapons against the other parent. They might insist on using the children to communicate messages that should be sent directly from parent to parent even after being asked not to, or they may threaten to treat the children badly or disappoint them as a way to punish the healthy parent for establishing boundaries.

For example, the narcissist is texting you several times a day, telling you what a bad parent you are or how you aren’t doing a good job. You decide to start ignoring the messages and not responding. The narcissist might escalate their behavior by refusing to come get the children for their weekend because you wouldn’t “communicate” even though answering those texts had nothing to do with the visit. In this case, the narcissist is trying to make you feel bad or guilty for not doing what they wanted you to do because now the children will be disappointed that they are missing their visit.

Another common tactic with this is to speak negatively about the healthy parent to the children. Narcissist parents might tell their children how sorry they are that the other parent isn’t a good parent or tell them that the other parent lies, does drugs or any manner of other things that aren’t true but are designed to make the child question the healthy parent.

Strategies for Parallel Parenting

We talk a lot about co-parenting at 2Houses, but there are times where it’s just not possible. A situation where one parent is a narcissist, or is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, is one of those times. Co-parenting requires both parents to be actively putting the children’s needs and interests above their own and to be mature enough to be able to have a cooperative, civil relationship with the other parent. With narcissists, this usually is not the case.

So, what can you do to improve the parenting situation when you are dealing with a narcissist? One of the best strategies to use is called parallel parenting. Basically, it’s taking an approach that — as much as possible — what happens at their house is their business and what happens at your house is yours. Here, we provide some tips for making parallel parenting work.

1. Practice Gray Rock

If you haven’t heard of gray rock before, it probably sounds a little weird. But it comes from the premise that narcissists need fuel from the other parent in the form of emotion. Narcissists actively try to get you emotional so that you will be upset, be angry or lash out. Now, think about a gray rock you might see in your yard or at the park. It’s not very interesting, right? All one color, nothing remarkable about it. This is your goal when dealing with narcissists — to become like a gray rock.

This isn’t as easy as it first seems because, again, a narcissist’s main goal is to get you upset, and they are usually very good at it. Couple that with the fact that this person has been in a very close relationship with you for probably a substantial amount of time, and they know just what to do to get that reaction from you.

When you’re trying to gray rock, focus on being as unemotional as possible and responding with facts. Try to stay out of arguments, responding only when there are direct questions relevant to the children that you must answer. The less you can communicate with a narcissist the better.

2. Set Yourself Up for as Little Contact as Possible

Even parallel parenting requires a certain amount of coordination with the other parent, but again, the less contact you have with the narcissist the better. This is where the 2Houses co-parenting app becomes a very useful tool. It allows you to put all of the information, such as important dates, sports schedules, reimbursement requests and even scheduling issues all on the app, removing the direct contact between you and the other parent.

By doing this, the other parent doesn’t need to ask you for things like Social Security numbers or insurance information — those things will already be in the information bank that they can access with you. If the other parent does send messages about this type of information, you can reply with a simple, “It’s in the information bank on the app” — a very gray rock response.

In extreme cases, you may also need to limit contact to only the app and refuse to communicate through phone calls, texts or emails. Some family court judges even mandate this type of in-app communication in high-conflict cases now because there is an instant and easily accessible record of when messages were sent, when they were read and what was in them.

3. Have a Conversation With Your Children

Whether you suspect the other parent is a narcissist or you know they have been diagnosed as such, it’s important not to tell your children this or otherwise speak negatively about the other parent. However, it is a good idea to explain to them matter of factly and without emotion how you are going to handle things.

For example, maybe your children complain at your house that they have a bedtime while at the other parent’s house, they are allowed to stay up as late as they want. You can just explain that “there are different rules for different houses” or simply state that you can’t do anything about what happens over there so you are just going to focus on how things are in your own home.

Children are quick to figure out many of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics including gaslighting, speaking negatively about the healthy parent, pitting siblings against each other or using the children as pawns to get to the other parent. The best thing you can do is model healthy behavior, refuse to engage with the narcissist and let your children know that you are there for whatever they need.

For more information on what makes 2Houses special and how it can help you co-parent with a narcissist, check out our features explanation and contact us today.