Author: Elisa

When a family finds itself in the middle of a separation or divorce, one of the first worries is “what about the children?” Research has shown that while divorce can be hard on children, its often the fighting of the parents that most directly affects the children. And the impact depends on how well the parents are able to isolate the children from these disruptions.

Many psychologists and other therapists have tips and suggestions on how best to help your children at times like these. One organization that provides a very good pamphlet and other information is the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts.

Parenting is a lifelong job, and remember, you do not divorce your children. The following ideas are 7 tips to keep in mind to help buffer your children from the real and imagined problems they face during parental separation and or divorce:

1. Try to Maintain Consistency

One of the best things you can do is to maintain a regular routine and rules every day. It doesn’t matter how often your kids stay with you, having clear expectations for how they should behave is super important. This means:

• Make a plan for waking up, getting ready, school, chores, homework, TV time, and bedtime. Stick to this plan every day.
• Have clear rules about what happens if they behave well or not (like rewards for good choices and consequences for bad ones).
• Be strict but kind, and show them you love them.

During a divorce, kids might act out to see what they can get away with. It’s your job to be the steady grownup and show them life goes on even when things are not going smoothly.

Spending time with your kids regularly helps them feel safe and loved. Try to have some special one-on-one time with each child, even if it’s not for long. This will make a big difference for them.

2. Show Extra Affection

Another important point is that tough times are the best times to be more affectionate. You can show extra affection to your kids by talking openly with your kids so they feel safe sharing their feelings. Don’t hesitate to spend quality time with your child by engaging in activities they enjoy. When you start giving lots of hugs and cuddles, and saying kind things to make your child feel good about themselves. Also make an effort to listen to your kids without interruptions. Teach your youngster healthy coping mechanisms for their emotions. Be a source of strength by guiding them through challenges, celebrating their achievements. And always being there for them with patience and reassurance. As a parent you should always remember, a little more affection can make a big difference to children who are feeling scared or lonely. But, be careful, not to overdo this. 

3. Avoid Reversing Roles

Don’t switch roles with your kids during a divorce. It’s normal for them to want to cheer you up, but it’s best to keep the parent-child roles clear. You don’t want them to feel like they have to take care of you or your ex. That’s too much for them. Instead, get help from experts so you can concentrate on being there for your kids the way they need. By making sure they don’t shoulder adult responsibilities, you’re giving them the space to just be kids and helping them through this rough patch with strength and resilience.

4. Foster Connections

Help your children to stay connected. You should support your kids when they wanna hang out with friends or do stuff. It’s not a good move to switch schools or daycares if you can help it. Sometimes schools can bend the rules if you’re moving apart. You can talk to your therapist or school counselor about it. Even if you must move to a distant neighborhood and school district, make an effort to have sleepovers and playdates with their old friends, and encourage new friendships too.

5. Reassure Basic Needs

Reassure your children about the basic necessities. Your children need to hear that both parents still love them and that the problems aren’t their fault. So, Tell your kids that they’ll still get what they need, like food and a place to live. Let them know that you both parents still care about them, and that any troubles aren’t because of them.

Sometimes when parents argue about where to sleep, your kids might get scared and think they’ll have to sleep in the car. But no matter what, parents have to make sure their kids have everything they need – a comfy place to live, food, clothes, school stuff, and more. Tell your kid it’s all good, and that both parents are taking care of everything. And let them know they don’t need to worry about this stuff.

6. Minimize Exposure to Conflict

Shield your children from witnessing or being involved in parental disputes. Both parents should keep disagreements private. Always keep in mind, kids have a knack for overhearing things. Avoid putting them in the middle or making them deliver messages during arguments – that’s not their job. And as for asking them about your ex, it’s best to resist the temptation. If you really need to know something, just give your ex a call directly.

7. Prioritize Self-Care

Taking care of yourself is really important, especially during challenging times. This is true for everyone, whether you have kids or not. To feel your best, eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Don’t shut yourself off from others – spend time with friends and family who make you feel good. If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or angry, it’s okay to ask for help from a therapist near you or take a consultation from 2houses. Family therapy can also be a great resource for you.

Remember, the more you take care of yourself, the better you can take care of the people around you!

Must Divorced Fathers Become Second Class Citizens?

It was the last straw. The Millers (details have been changed) had invited Greg’s ex-wife Susan to their annual barbecue with the kids, and hadn’t even taken the time to explain to Greg why he’d been overlooked. It really hurt, especially because he had spent hours last summer helping the Millers set up their outdoor furniture and for the last three years had coached their youngest son in soccer.

Greg had elected not to tell their friends (and some family members) the details of the breakup and how much Susan’s indiscretions had hurt him. But by taking the high road, and keeping the details private, he was well aware there were those who assumed he had been the one who wanted the separation, when in fact, it was Susan who had surprised him with legal papers.

Greg understood that it would only be natural for their friends to be supportive of Susan. And he certainly wanted to know that things were okay for her and their children. But it floored him that some of their closest friends found it necessary to take sides.

Everyone seemed to rally around Susan and didn’t seem to realize how much Greg had been hurting. He would never get over the humiliation of walking to the back of the crowded auditorium, when seats had been saved for his family, but no one had thought of him.

He missed waking up to his children and the family routines he had cherished. He missed the familiarity of the home he’d shared with Susan the last fifteen years. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to his condo, or coming home to an empty house. He counted the minutes to the alternate weekends when his kids came. And, ironically, he also counted the minutes until they went home, because they always seemed to negatively compare his home to their mother’s. He wondered if he would ever be able to feel normal and move on from the pain.

As we all know, there are rarely winners when it comes to divorce. Each family member is impacted dramatically. And, of course, the extended family and friends are put in the unenviable position of trying to be supportive, as they grapple with their own feelings about the breakup. It’s not uncommon to focus our attention on the challenges women face as they start over and tend to the emotional needs of their children. And of course, we know this support will be invaluable. Many newly divorced women have been devastated emotionally and financially, and will surely appreciate sensitivity and compassion from those around them.

It’s important, though, to remember that many of today’s divorces have been initiated by women. Even if both parties have seen it coming for some time, and the announcement comes as no surprise, many husbands may still feel as if they’ve been blindsided. Their pride, self-esteems and bank accounts may have been seriously depleted, and they’re hurting badly. So, let’s not be too quick to assume they’re heartless cads whose selfishness and immaturity are solely to blame. And, while we’re on the subject, if we seek to enter the blame game, we may take on a polarized, critical stance, and participate in an ugly spiral that escalates a tense situation even further.

After a divorce, egos may be bruised and the parties may be hyper-sensitive to the judgments of those around them. The divorced family may assume they’ve been the subject of prurient gossip on the soccer field or at dinner parties, and may worry that every aspect of their lives has been scrutinized.

Men starting over may be very frightened by the enormous responsibility of maintaining two households at a time when they’re feeling inadequate and insecure. Knowing that we all need to grieve a major loss in a very personal way should remind us to assume that newly divorced men are hurting also and could benefit from our warmth and camaraderie. They may not have a solid support system readily in place.

The newly divorced man has usually lost the structure and comfort of his home and daily routines, and may have been accustomed to his ex-wife handling responsibilities that are now on his very full plate. He may miss the special moments of spontaneously snuggling with his children or being privy to their daily confidences. The limited visits with his children may feel forced or awkward, and over time, the comfort and closeness they once felt may have become strained. Hopefully, as the children mature and gain insight, a closer bond can be re-established.

There may be an assumption that he’s living the “life of Reilly” with his newly freed-up schedule — and that it’s no trouble at all to segue quickly to an active, satisfying social life. Don’t we all say: “It’s so much easier for a man. Everyone has a number to give him.” Obviously, this is not always the case. But even if the newly separated man has opportunities, it does not mean he isn’t dealing with loneliness or his self-esteem hasn’t taken a huge hit.

Most women have developed a support network and are more comfortable reaching out for what they need. Men were more often socialized to keep sad feelings to themselves; they don’t want to be perceived as wimps or whiners. So, they present a stiff upper lip and suffer silently. Assume they may be struggling more than they let on. No doubt, he’d be so appreciative if you took the time to call him or invite him over (with or without the children) for a casual catch up. Don’t press him to talk if he’s reticent. His pride may have suffered a great deal. He’ll open up if, and when, he feels safe to share.

As the newly divorced man faces the challenges of the next chapter, there will obviously be some tense moments and pitfalls, but if he is receptive, there are possibilities for tremendous growth and personal satisfaction.

by Linda Lipshutz

Only seeing your children every other weekend can be devastating. You miss them when they are not with you, and those few short days does not give you hardly enough time to settle into a routine before they are whisked back to the primary custodial parent.

If you only have standard visitation, this usually means that is the minimal allotted time you can spend with your children by law. By being respectful to your ex, using a little imagination and some ingenuity there are ways to see your children more. Be sure to read your parenting plan and decree carefully before taking any of the following steps, and if neither say you can’t do any of the following list, go and spend some more time with your kids! So what are you waiting for? As Nike says…Just do it!

1) Take lunch to your child at school

Nothing makes a kid feel more special than when a parent shows up with a bag of Mickey D’s under their arm at lunch time. Generally, the decree will not stipulate that you are not allowed to visit your child at school, and most schools will allow you to bring lunch to your child. Email the teacher and let them know ahead of time that you are coming and enjoy lunch and maybe even recess with your child! You will not only be your child’s hero, but this way of co-parenting technique will make you the coolest parent among their friends.

2) Coach a team sport your child plays on

Does your child like sports? Many kids have practice twice and a game each week. This is a great way to have more fun time with your child. Team sports are great for kids because it teach them socialization, the art of winning and losing and how to be a team player. All lessons that will add value to their lives. Just make sure to talk with your ex first. Keep his/him informed of practices and games and let them know that you will take care of everything. Your kid will appreciate that you’re both working together as parents. They will be super happy too, and you’ll be their hero once again.

3) Offer to make pickups and drop offs for extra-curricular activities

Your ex will most likely welcome the break, and if they don’t usually do the picking up, then let them know you have made arrangements with who does pick them up and you will be doing it. Be sure to explain to your ex that you have the time to do it and would love to help lighten her load. After you pick up your child, take them out for ice cream and help them with their homework. Not only does that give you some extra time, but also gets a very important step done that the primary caregiver generally stresses over.

4) Volunteer to be a chaperon on field trips for your child’s class

You get the whole day to spend with your child. I realize, many of you are saying…but, we have to work! Take the day off. What is more important? This is a special day and memory that you can create with your child and it is above and beyond your usual shared custody arrangement. Once again, check with your ex and see if they are planning on chaperoning for the field trip. If they are not, email the teacher and explain how important it is for you to be there and how much you are looking forward to it. Even if that teacher has enough parents for that event, I guarantee they will always take one more.

5) Attend all school plays and functions your child is in

No, this isn’t one on one time, but you see him or her and more importantly, they see a parent who is there to support them and cheer them on. Often times, parents without primary custody do not attend functions. Sometimes it is because they are not aware of them. But, you are entitled by law to be aware of them. Make sure you’re on the school’s email list so you don’t miss anything. Surprise your child by showing up at their events. These are big moments in your child’s life, and they’ll remember if you were there to support them. Make these moments even more special by being there.

6) During mid-week breaks, offer to take the kids in lieu of a babysitter

If you make your ex think you are doing them a favor, they will be grateful and be more agreeable. It is better than paying a babysitter, trust me. Arrange to pick your child up at the same time they would be going to school and to drop them off at the time when school is normally out. Don’t rock the boat by asking for extra time during these days. If your ex is agreeable this time to you taking your kids, then think about how easy it will be next time, and eventually, it could lead to more time with your children. Keep the big picture in mind.

7) Participate in all birthday parties for your child

Most decrees or parenting plans allow a parent who is not the primary custodian to spend a few hours with their children on their birthdays. You can tell your ex-spouse that you would like to be there for the party, even if it is just to watch them blow out the candles. If they are disagreeable, offer to pay for half of the party to attend. Most will agree when it comes down to the all mighty dollar and they have to spend less.

8) Babysit your kids instead of having a third party babysit

If your former partner has a job, then child care is needed. You can offer to pick them up after your work hours, or even leave work a little early once a week to get them from the babysitter. This way, your ex can save some money on childcare. Plus, it’s always best for kids to be with a parent when possible. Tell your ex that you will bring them home when they get back from work. They will appreciate that they can save some money and the fact that you are not taking advantage, but truly offering to help. If your ex is resistant to it, gently remind them that you are happy to add the first right of refusal into the decree if it is not already in place.

by Lee Block, Post-Divorce Consultant and Author.

After many years of bickering, infidelities, and general unhappiness and upset with each other, Jack and Miranda decided to divorce. To their credit, they are seeing me to make sure their kids are alright.They have no interest in reconciling. They have even less interest in talking about anything except the kids. But despite their inability to make their marriage work, they are both concerned and loving parents of Jason, age 11, and Brittany, age 8.

“I think the kids are mostly relieved,” says Miranda. “Jason has been asking me for years why we don’t just get a divorce.”

“I don’t know,” says Jack. “Jason may tell you that. But Brittany tells me she wishes you would stop bugging me.

“That’s because you spoil her rotten.”

Here we go. Despite their best intentions, these two can’t get to sentence three without finding a reason to fight. It’s my job to keep the emotional temperatures down, to keep blame and shame out of the room, and to instead focus on determining what the kids need and how to support them.Are the kids really alright? Maybe. Here are 4 things I ask divorcing parents to look for and an idea or two for how to deal with each one. Of course, it sometimes takes family counseling. As well as learn some post-divorce parenting tips to settle things down.

4 indicators that the kids may not be as alright as you think:

Number 1. Are the kids siding with one or the other parent?

In the case of Jack and Miranda, their son is protecting his mother. The daughter is dad’s miniature lawyer.
Both parents need to reassure their kids that the divorce is adult business, that they don’t need the kids to intercede, and that the kids can focus on being kids. The children need both parents to encourage them to not take sides and to have a loving relationship with the other parent.

Number 2: Are the kids clinging to each other more?

Sometimes kids lose faith in their parents’ ability to care for them emotionally or even physically. It’s wonderful when siblings can be friends. But, It’s concerning when they turn exclusively to each other for support and help.

Brittany has been going to Jason for comfort, for companionship, and for practical help. She asks him to help her make her lunch for school. She asks him to help her with her homework. It’s crossed the line from good big-brother behavior to Jason becoming more like a third parent. Jason needs to be let off the hook. Brittany really wants her parents to pay more attention to her needs. Mom and Dad can suggest Brittany makes her lunch with one of them. They can tell Jason he has enough of his own homework and they’re happy to help Brittany.

Number 3: Are the kids hanging around the house more and refusing to go places like a friend’s house or a birthday party?

Sometimes children have the idea that if they’re around, their parents won’t fight. They stay close to home to keep things stable.

For example, Brittany goes to playdates, but Jason hasn’t wanted to do much lately. He’s the kind of kid who worries a lot about keeping things peaceful at home. It would help if Jason’s parents told him they appreciate him caring, but they’re working on ways to stop fighting on their own. They could say they hired a counselor to help them, so Jason doesn’t have to worry anymore. Once his parents find new ways to deal with their problems, Jason might believe things will be okay again.

Finally, number 4: Is there a change in how the kids are performing in school or in other activities?

Both over and under achieving sometimes indicate a problem. Some kids try really hard to do everything perfectly to ease their parents’ stress. Some feel like they caused the breakup and try to make up for it by being extra good. Others think being perfect will make things better for mom or dad.

On the other hand, some kids lose interest in school or activities. They might stop hanging out with friends or going to scouts or soccer practice. Sometimes this is because they’re feeling depressed. Other times, it’s a way to shift the focus from their parents’ arguments to their own problems. A counselor can help figure out if the kids’ behavior is related to the divorce and how to help them get back to feeling normal.

Telling the kids to try harder or to take it easy on themselves might not work. They need to see their parents handling things better and being less angry with each other before they can change.

Kids, especially those under 12 or 13, often reflect their parents’ behavior. When parents handle the divorce well, kids are more likely to be okay and feel more protected by their parents. Studies show that how well parents handle the divorce directly affects how well their kids cope. 

For the kids to be alright, the adults need to remember that whatever their differences, their struggles, or their feelings about each other, their kids need them whenever possible to act as a team in being responsive and responsible parents.

by Marie Hartwell-Walker

The holidays are a time of joy, but for divorcing couples, they can be a minefield of emotions.  The stress of navigating traditions, co-parenting, and personal grief can be overwhelming, especially when children are involved. 

Stacy Phillips, a top divorce lawyer in Los Angeles and the author of “Divorce: It’s All About Control – How To Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars,” gives the following 10 helpful tips to get through this challenging period with grace and empathy.

1. Seek Therapy for Emotional Support:

The holiday season can serve as a painful reminder when a family splits up. You might feel lonely, sad, or stressed. You can take help from a therapist, they can listen to you and help you deal with these feelings. They can also teach you ways to cope and feel better during the holidays and how to enjoy holidays and parenting after divorce.

2. Avoid Competitiveness:

In the aftermath of a divorce, the temptation to engage in a “one-upsmanship” game with your ex-spouse may arise, especially concerning gifts for the children. Trying to show off with big gifts can cause more problems and hard feelings. Instead, focus on giving your kids love, kindness, and spending time with them. That’s what really matters and helps them feel safe and happy.

3. Practice Flexibility with Visitation Schedules:

Divorce often necessitates adjustments to established routines, especially around the holidays. You can use a co-parenting app that can help you to maintain routine. Being flexible with your visiting times shows you put your kids first and want them to have fun with both mom and dad. When you both parents work together and compromise, you’ll have less arguments and make happy memories for your kids.

4. Include New Partners in Celebrations:

It can be difficult to get along with your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend. Even if you aren’t happy about it, being friendly to them can benefit everyone. If you show that you accept them, your children will learn to do the same. This allows everyone to be friends and have fun together at celebrations.

5. Engage in Acts of Kindness:

Instead of worrying about your problems after divorce, try doing good things for others. This can help you feel better during the holidays when you’re feeling stressed or sad. It’s good to get kids involved too.When your children begin to help others, such as by contributing to a charity, they learn to care about people and to be grateful for what they have. You can do things like help out at a shelter or give money to a good cause. Doing these things shows that you care about others and want to help make the world a better place. These acts of kindness can also bring you a sense of inner peace during a challenging time like a divorce.

6. Seek Support from Friends and Family:

Surrounding yourself with loved ones during the holidays can create a warm and supportive environment for you and your children. Whether it’s sharing cherished meals or enjoying festive gatherings, these relationships give you comfort, companionship, and a strong sense of belonging. When you rely on your loved ones, it becomes simpler to deal with co-parenting after a divorce.

7. Practice Restraint in Communication:

Effective communication is essential in maintaining a harmonious co-parenting relationship, especially during emotionally charged moments. When things start to get heated, it’s really important to hold back and not say mean stuff to your ex. Acting polite and showing respect sets a good example and helps keep conversations positive. It also makes problem solving easier and keeps your children from getting upset for no reason.

8. Teach the True Meaning of the Holidays:

When you’re busy getting ready for the holidays, it’s important to teach your kids about what the season is really about. Whether it’s being nice to others, saying thank you, or taking time to think, parents can show their kids how to care for others, be generous, and have empathy. By helping kids understand the true meaning of the holidays, families can make strong connections and create special memories that go beyond just getting stuff.

9. Focus on Harmony and Peace:

No matter what religion or culture you’re from, the main aim of the holidays is to make peace and get along. As a divorced parent you can make your kids feel loved and safe by working together and understanding each other. This shows your kids that family is important, even when parents aren’t together anymore.

10. Plan for the Future:

The holidays are over? No, it never ends. There’s still lots to look forward to! Talk to your kids about what they want to do in the future.

This could be fun things for the weekend, or even things they want to achieve in the new year. When you plan together, your kids will feel excited and like they have a say. This also makes your family closer.

So think happy thoughts about what’s coming next, and get ready to have some fun together!

Parenting before and after divorce can be complex, frustrating and confusing. However, every day parents around the world are coping with the challenges and raising happy, well-adjusted children. There are many factors that influence your effectiveness as a parent. Here is a six-step formula for pre and post-divorce parenting success.

Step 1: Monitor Your Perceptions

The world is what we perceive it to be. If you perceive yourself to be a victim in your divorce, you will focus on evidence to prove that to be true.

If you instead take your divorce as a life experience to learn from, you will derive many benefits and value from the divorce, no matter how much pain is also involved. You will also accept responsibility for the part you played in the process and be more willing to contemplate new ways to live your life in the future that will bring more positive results.

Sadly, it’s through challenging experiences that we grow and learn the most from life.

Step 2: Practice Respectful Parenting

Getting past your divorce is a small piece of the child-centered divorce puzzle if you are a parent. Working through the challenges of creating successful communication with your ex is a goal that must be worked on continuously. Keep your children in mind before making any decisions related to their well-being and you will stay on course.

Because you and your former spouse will be parenting your children for many years and decades to come, it makes sense to start off on the best possible course. The first step is to develop a respectful relationship with your ex. Remember that he or she is your child’s other parent whom they love. Treat your former spouse with that level of awareness and dignity in all your communication and they are more likely to return the same level of respect to you. Changes may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence things can and will improve.

Step 3: Learn To Let Go

If you truly want to move on from your divorce, you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit — not on behalf of your former spouse.

Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children — if not for yourself — decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?

Step 4: Try To Forgive

The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.

Next, take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.

You are cutting the emotional cords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Release your past — and be free!

Step 5: Handle Your Conflicts

Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.

When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.

It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.

Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.

Step 6: Make Time For You

One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at a shelter. Start a craft or business. Make time for strolls in nature, exercise and watching your diet. Treat yourself to a message. Indulge when you can.

When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits.

Do the best you can. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!

Whether it’s been weeks or years since your divorce, it’s natural to reflect on mistakes made along the way. However, the real question is: How can we rectify these divorce mistakes, especially when they affect our children’s well-being? In this guide, we’ll explore actionable steps to mend past missteps and foster a healthier post-divorce environment for our children.

Acknowledge and Apologize for Past Actions:

One of the first steps towards making things right is acknowledging and taking responsibility for past actions. Whether it was losing your temper in front of the children or speaking negatively about your ex-spouse, owning up to these behaviors is crucial. Sit down with your children and have an honest conversation. Apologize for any pain your actions may have caused and express your genuine desire to make positive changes moving forward.

Rebuilding Trust and Cooperation:

Effective co-parenting is essential for the well-being of children after divorce. This means setting aside personal grievances and prioritizing the needs of the children. This means forgetting about any bad feelings between you and focusing on what’s best for the kids. Try talking to your ex about how you both can communicate better and work as a team. It might be difficult to let go of any hard feelings, but it’s worth it for the kids. You can talk to your kids, express your regret if you need to, and let them know you’re gonna do your best to make things better.

Handle Anger Even When It’s Difficult

Change happens, especially after a divorce. Your ex might act differently afterward, and that’s okay. They might not want to be friendly co-parents, and that’s okay too. But when kids are involved, their well-being comes first. Try not to get angry, even if your ex is rude or angry.Sometimes after a divorce, there might be some legal stuff to figure out. It’s always best to try and work things out nicely with your ex, for your kids’ sake. It’s never too late to find common ground and create a healthy co-parenting environment. If discussions become heated, find a neutral space to talk when your kids aren’t around.

When you can control your anger and be kind to your ex, even if they aren’t reciprocating. That sets a positive example for your children. It teaches them valuable conflict resolution skills and the importance of kindness, even in challenging situations.

Modeling Responsible Behavior:

You’re your kid’s biggest role model, no matter what. By demonstrating responsible and effective behavior, even in challenging circumstances, you teach your kids important things. This helps them learn how to deal with their feelings and be good friends and adults later on. Don’t fight or bad mouth your ex in front of your kids. Try to be peaceful. You could even invite your ex to see the kids at holidays or school events, like letting them see their other grandma and grandpa. This shows your kids it’s cool to spend time with both sides of the family.

In conclusion, divorce can be difficult for children because it disrupts their sense of security and stability.When considering divorce, remember the impact on your children and strive to create the healthiest environment possible for them, even if that means seeking professional guidance or prioritizing co-parenting strategies.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!

Divorce does not have to be damaging to children. Here are the ten most important things parents can do to help their kids navigate the stormy seas of divorcing parents.

1. Improve communication with your kids:

Communication is a vital lifeline in any relationship, and especially so with your children after a divorce.  When you communicate well, it helps them feel safe and understood. Forget about forcing conversations. Look for chances to chat naturally. Watch a movie and chat about the characters or what happened. Also you can talk with your kid in the car, at dinner, or even while walking around a pretty park.

Remember, it’s not cool to talk about divorce stuff, like fights or who gets to keep what, when your kids are around. And don’t say mean stuff about the other parent, their family, or friends in front of your kids. Pay attention to how you act and look, too, because kids notice when you’re not being nice about the other parent. This is important because it can lead to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), which is not good for your child.

2. Listen Your kids

It’s hard for all parents to truly listen to their kids sometimes. This can be especially true if you’re tired, busy, or having a bad day. Sometimes kids might have trouble explaining how they feel too. But listening to your kids is important for being a good parent. When you really listen, you’ll understand them better and know how to help.

If your child tells you something they want to keep secret, keep it a secret! Unless it’s something that could hurt them or someone else, then you might need to tell someone to keep them safe.

3. Educate Yourself and Gather necessary Post divorce Parenting Skill

Learning and mastering key parenting skills is important for every parent. If you understand how your kid feels and give them the right kind of support and rules, it can really help them deal with all the changes happening in your family. A co-parenting course or the 2houses parenting apps can help you figure out how to split parenting responsibilities, communicate effectively, and work collaboratively with your ex after divorce. As a result, you will learn about practical techniques for dealing with these issues and minimizing conflicts.

4. Keep friendly Communication with your EX spouse:

Talking to your ex spouse might feel like climbing Mount Everest sometimes. But it’s important for your kid’s sake. As well as it’s very essential to the successful co-parenting. Before you hit send or pick up the phone, think about how it’ll impact your child. Keep your cool and act with respect while you communicate with your ex, even if it’s tough.

Remember, you don’t always have to meet face-to-face. Phone calls, texts, or emails can do the trick for most stuff. The main thing is to keep things drama-free. Just figure out what works best for you both.

5. Resolve co-parenting disagreements with your Ex spouse

When you and your ex don’t see eye to eye on co-parenting stuff, remember to put your kids first and talk nice. Instead of blaming each other, try saying “sorry” when things go wrong. You can try to find ways to solve disagreements so everyone calms down. Listen to your ex’s ideas and stay calm during arguments. Figure out what makes you fight and fix it together. Talking friendly and openly with your ex makes things easier and builds trust. By talking well and understanding each other’s feelings, you can work through disagreements and create a good environment for your kids.

6. Co-parent as a team with your ex

Even if you and your ex don’t get along, you still gotta raise your kids together. Working together and talking nicely, without yelling or fighting, makes things much easier on everyone. If you both try to be on the same page and be a team, figuring out how to raise your kids becomes way simpler. The goal is to work together and create a perfect co-parenting plan.

7. Maintain Routine during co-parenting

Maintaining a routine strictly during co-parenting is very important for your kid’s mental and physical health. like when they go to bed, do their homework, how much they can use screens, when they need to be home, and stuff like that. Kids do best when they know what to expect, so it’s really important for both of you to keep things consistent after a divorce. If they don’t know what’s coming, it can make them really worried and upset, which might make them act out or not do well in school. Try to put aside any hard feelings you have, so you can stick to a regular routine in both homes and help your kids deal with the changes from the divorce.

8. Make transitions and visitation easier

Moving between households can be tough when parents share custody – everyone finds it tricky. Kids especially might need some extra time to get used to being in a new place. If your child seems like they want to be alone for a little while, that’s okay! Another thing that can happen is kids not wanting to go to the other parent’s house sometimes. This is normal too. The most important thing is to try and work things out calmly.

9. Control Anger and emotions

While anger is a natural emotion, when faced with a challenging situation, it can also create the most destructive consequences. Not surprisingly it can easily sabotage your co-parenting relationship for you and your children. For your kids’ sake, try to calm down even when you’re upset. This will make things easier on everyone, including your ex, your family, and most importantly, your children.

10. Take care of yourself first!

Happy and healthy parents raise happy and healthy kids. So, make sure you’re feeling good too! If you’re sad, mad, worried, or stressed about the divorce, it’s okay to ask for help. Also you can talk to a parenting coach – they can help you sort through your feelings. 

When you’re feeling strong, your kids will feel strong too. If you’re really upset, it might make them worry about you instead of focusing on school, friends, and fun stuff.

If you missed our booth at the The Divorce Expo in Novi  (Michigan, USA) here is the article and the interview recorded during the expo by the Divorce Source Radio:

“This program features a unique online organizational product designed to help keep divorced couples organized. 2Houses.com helps Communications between separated or divorced parents.This online system helps you to manage your parenting schedule, keep track of shared expenses,exchange school, after-school activities, medical, and other types of information. This program features 2Houses founder, Gill Ruidant who traveled from Belgium to attend the show.  For more information, visit: www.2Houses.com.”

 

Listen to the interview