Category: Communication

What if the person who once vowed to love you forever is now the one keeping you up at night?

Co-parenting with an ex who blurs boundaries—dancing on a highwire between texts that sting and tantrums that erupt—can leave you torn: Do I protect my peace or shield my children? But what if you could rewrite the script, reclaiming your power without adding fuel to the fire?

Before unraveling the “how,” let’s pull back the curtain on the quiet chaos of harassment in co-parenting.

What Does Harassment Look Like?

Harassment in co-parenting isn’t just arguing. It’s behavior that makes you feel anxious, unsafe, or upset. It can show up in many ways like:

• Verbal attacks: Name-calling, threats, or constant belittling messages.
• Physical intimidation: Showing up uninvited or acting aggressively.
• Financial abuse: Withholding child support or messing with your money.
• Cyber harassment: Bombarding you with texts, calls, or social media messages.

A 2023 survey showed 90% of domestic violence survivors face this kind of abuse even after splitting up. That means the time right after a breakup can be the hardest, with abusers finding new ways to stay in control—like dragging you into court over small things issues or using custody fights to pressure you. Knowing this sets the stage for taking action. So, why is your ex acting this way?

Step 1: Understand Why Your Ex Won’t Stop

Before you take action, it helps to understand why the harassment is happening. Most of the time, it’s not about love or even anger—it’s about control.

Here are some of the most common reasons:

They Hate Losing Control

Some exes can’t handle the breakup. Instead of moving on, they try to punish you by:

• Refusing to pay child support
• Causing money problems
• Starting pointless legal battles

They want to feel like they’re “winning,” even if it hurts the kids.

Narcissistic or Abusive Traits

If your ex has narcissistic or antisocial traits, they may feel “rejected” and lash out by:

• Guilt-tripping or threatening you
• Using the legal system to keep you tied to them

Some even lie in court to make you look bad.

Using the Kids as a Weapon

Toxic exes often involve the children, trying to:

• Turn them against you
• Blame you for problems
• Claim you are manipulating the kids

This is a painful and common tactic.

Attacking Your Mental Health

If you’ve been anxious, depressed, or traumatized (understandably!), they may try to use that against you in court—calling you “unstable.” Some judges wrongly see this as a “high-conflict” situation instead of abuse.

Once you see the “why” behind their actions, you can plan your response without getting caught up in emotions. This leads you to the next step: how you act and how fast to protect yourself.

Step 2: Take Immediate Actions when you identify you ex intentionally harassing you continuously And Protect Yourself 

Once you recognize the harassment, don’t wait—take action immediately. Your safety and your peace of mind matter.

The first thing you should do is start keeping records and start documentation.

It is very important because keeping a record of every harassing incident is like building a shield. It gives you proof, shows patterns, and is gold in court—whether you’re changing custody or seeking protection. Plus, writing things down helps you feel more in control and less overwhelmed. Start early, even if you’re not ready for legal action, because abuse often starts small and grows  

What to Document and How

Type of Harassment	What to Write Down	Where to Store (Secure, Private Location)
Communication	Dates, times, content (exact quotes), sender/recipient, channel (email, text, app, social media). Screenshots of digital messages (ensure sender, recipient, date, time are visible). For verbal conversations, immediately log date, time, context, topic, who said what, and outcome. Note unique words/phrases. Remember, anything said or written can be used as evidence; avoid disparaging the other parent.	Dedicated email, password-protected online journal, backup drive, physical binder.
Incidents	Dates, times, locations, detailed descriptions of what occurred. Any physical violence, injuries (with photos if possible), or damage caused by the harassing parent. Names and contact information (if possible) of any witnesses.	Detailed journal or calendar.
Police Involvement	Report numbers, officer names, dates of reports, outcomes.	Secure physical or digital file.
Medical/Psychological Impact	Dates of appointments, diagnoses, treatment plans, therapist notes, prescriptions, doctor’s statements linking health issues to harassment.	Secure medical records file.
Financial Abuse	Bank statements, records of cancelled credit cards, withheld child support records.	Secure financial records file.
Parenting Time Interference	Dates of missed visits, late returns, refusals, specific violations of court orders.	Parenting journal or co-parenting app.

Keep in mind – with solid documentation, you’re ready to set boundaries and limit how your ex can reach you. That’s the next piece of the puzzle.

Step 3: Limit Communication with a Harassing Ex & Keep the Peace

If your ex is harassing you, you need to control how you communicate. Setting clear boundaries protects your mental health, cuts down on drama, and keeps a record of every interaction. This is called “gatekeeping,” and it’s a game-changer. Here’s how to do it.

You should use 2houses Co-Parenting Apps.

It helps you manage communication while keeping you protected from harassment. Here’s why it works:

• Save every message with a time stamp.
• Don’t let anyone edit or delete texts.
• Track schedules, expenses, and custody exchanges.

When your ex knows everything’s recorded, they’re more likely to behave. If they don’t, you’ve got proof for court. If apps aren’t an option, use email. It’s trackable, gives you time to respond calmly, and keeps things focused on the kids. Stick to short, polite messages and avoid blame.

Avoid Calls and Texts

Phone calls and casual texts can turn into fights fast and leave no clear record. Unless it’s an emergency, skip them. Constant calls also disrupt your home and your kids’ calm. Block your ex on social media or personal phones if they’re crossing lines, and keep all communication through your 2houses coparenting app or email.

Try the Gray Rock Method

This trick is simple but powerful: be boring. Don’t react to their drama. Respond with short, neutral answers like “Okay” or “Thanks for the info.” Don’t argue, explain, or get emotional. By staying “gray” like a rock, you give them nothing to feed on, and they often lose interest. This method ties into setting firm boundaries, which we’ll cover next.

Step 4: Establishing Clear, Firm Boundaries (and Adhering to Them)

Boundaries aren’t about being cold—they’re about creating a safe, drama-free space for you and your kids. Clear rules about how you communicate and what you share make co-parenting smoother. Here’s how to set them up.

Decide How You’ll Talk

Pick one way to communicate, like a co-parenting app or email, and stick to it. Set specific times you’ll respond, like weekdays from 9 AM to 5 PM, unless it’s urgent. This stops constant interruptions and helps you stay calm. If your ex pushes back, hold firm.

Keep It About the Kids

Only share what’s needed: school updates, doctor visits, or custody plans. Skip personal stuff, old fights, or feelings. Think of it like giving a report—stick to the facts. This keeps things clear and avoids emotional traps.

Communicate Like a Pro

Treat your ex like a coworker. Be brief, polite, and kid-focused. Use the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. For example, say, “I noticed Emma was tired after school,” not “You never put her to bed on time.” Avoid blame, and listen to their points even if you disagree. 

These boundaries create a foundation for peace, but sometimes you need extra help. That’s where the final step comes in.

Step 5: Get Support When You Need It

If harassment continues, please don’t try to handle it all by yourself. Reaching out for support is crucial to keep both you and your kids safe. You have options: consider talking to a therapist or coach to help you manage stress and improve your communication skills. 

If things escalate, definitely seek legal help—a lawyer can advise you on protective orders or custody changes, and remember, your detailed documentation will be incredibly important here. You can also find immense strength and shared wisdom in support groups, connecting with others who truly understand what you’re going through.

Co-parenting is like building a bridge together—until one parent begins to dismantle it, brick by brick, with lies that twist a child’s reality. Gaslighting, a subtle but corrosive form of manipulation, doesn’t just strain co-parenting dynamics; it quietly erodes a child’s mental foundation, warping their self-trust and clouding their future. The damage isn’t always loud—it’s a silent storm that chips away at their confidence, leaving scars that can linger for years. But how do you spot these invisible wounds? How do you shield your child when the threat wears a familiar face? 

In this article, we’ll equip you with the knowledge to identify if your child is being gaslighted by their other parent, and more importantly, how to wisely navigate this treacherous territory to ungaslight your child. Together, we’ll learn not only to protect their reality but to help them reclaim it. Let’s begin. 

What ‘Gaslighting’ Looks Like in Co-Parenting

Gaslighting is when someone makes another person doubt their own thoughts, feelings, or memories. It’s more than just lying—it’s a way to control someone emotionally.

In co-parenting, gaslighting might look like:

• Denying past conversations or agreements
• Telling the child they’re “too sensitive” when they’re upset
• Blaming the child for things that aren’t their fault
• Saying things like, “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things”

Your child might start questioning their own experiences or feeling like they’re “the problem.” These words are confusing and hurtful—especially for kids who are still learning how the world works.

Is Your Child Being Gaslighted? Signs that indicate Your Child Might Be Dealing with Gaslighting

It’s not always easy to spot gaslighting, because it’s meant to confuse. But over time, you might see certain changes in your child’s behavior and feelings.

Watch for These Behavior Signs:

• Low confidence or can’t make small choices easily.
• Always needing others to tell them they’re doing okay.
• Staying away from friends or being alone a lot.
• Acting extra careful or nervous around the gaslighting parent.
• Saying “I’m sorry” often for things that aren’t their fault.
• Seeming angry or distant for no clear reason.

Emotionally, Your Child Might Seem:

• Always worried, sad, or just flat (no feelings).
• Confused after visiting the other parent.
• Unsure of what’s real and what’s not.
• Struggling with how they feel about themselves.
• Easily overwhelmed by simple feelings.

In Their Words, You Might Hear:

• “Did that really happen?”
• “Am I making things up?”
• Repeating strange or mean phrases that aren’t like them.
• Avoiding honest talks because they’re afraid of causing trouble.

Younger kids may act out, while older kids may show anxiety, depression, or mood swings.

Keep in mind, Sometimes – gaslighting is mixed with parental alienation—when one parent tries to turn the child against the other. If your child suddenly says negative things about you that don’t sound like them, this could be a warning sign.

How to Help & Protect Your Child from a Co-Parent’s Gaslighting

Helping your child overcome gaslighting—ungaslighting them—takes patience, love, and strategy. Here’s how you can be their rock:

Be Their Safe Space

If your co-parent is gaslighting your child, it’s important to be a safe and supportive space for them. Start by really listening without judging. Let them know you believe them and that their feelings matter. Say things like, “I believe you,” or “What you feel is important.” If they seem confused, don’t blame the other parent—instead, use calm, neutral words like, “Sometimes people see things differently.”

Help your child trust their own thoughts. You can ask questions like, “What do you think happened?” or encourage them to write down their thoughts to stay grounded in their truth. Keep track of any worrying behavior from the other parent, and consider getting a therapist to help both of you deal with it in a healthy way.

At home, keep things steady and calm. Show your child how to handle conflict in a peaceful way.

Help Them Find the Truth

Kids need help sorting out what’s real. You can start with a simple game with your child called “What’s True?” You’d talk about something obvious, like the color of the sky, to build their confidence in their own perceptions. As they got older, you should gently explain that people can see things differently, but their thoughts matter. Share positive family memories to counter false stories, and encourage them to question what they hear. This builds their critical thinking, making them less vulnerable to manipulation.

Create Open Communication

Make your home a safe haven, especially after they’ve been with the gaslighting parent. You can set up a cozy routine—to help your child unwind. Ask open-ended questions like, “Anything you want to share?” instead of grilling them. Model healthy communication by admitting your own mistakes or apologizing when needed. This shows them it’s okay to be human and builds trust.

Rebuild Their Confidence

Gaslighting chips away at self-esteem, so celebrate your child’s strengths. Encourage activities they love, whether it’s drawing or soccer, and praise their efforts. You may notice your child lit up when you cheer their small wins, like finishing a tricky puzzle. You should help them practice positive self-talk and guide them to trust their own decisions, starting small and building up.

Teach Them to Spot Manipulation

In simple ways that fit their age, teach your child that sometimes people try to confuse others on purpose. Help them recognize warning signs like “You’re just imagining things” or “You’re the problem.” Encourage them to speak up or say, “I need a minute” if they feel uncomfortable. Giving them small choices helps them feel more in control.

Also, giving your child small choices, like picking between two snacks or choosing their outfit, helps them feel more in control of their world. These little moments build confidence—and help them trust their own judgment when it really counts.

Get Professional Help

You don’t have to do this alone. You can take help from a child therapist. A child therapist can help your child process their feelings and rebuild confidence. Family counseling can guide you in setting boundaries. If legal issues arise, like custody disputes, a lawyer familiar with gaslighting can be a lifesaver.

What to Avoid

 When you’re sharing parenting duties with someone who tries to manipulate you, it’s really important to keep your child’s well-being front and center. Even if you mean well, some things you do can actually make it tougher for your child. For instance, talking bad about the other parent—even if it’s true—can make your child feel stuck between two people they love. Instead, focus on what your child is feeling and what they need, not on your co-parent’s faults.

It’s also important to let your child share things when they’re ready. Asking too many questions about their time with the other parent might feel like pressure, and they could just clam up. Don’t make excuses for bad behavior either. Saying things like, “They’re just stressed,” might send the wrong message and make your child think emotional abuse is normal. A better way is to listen, let them know their feelings are valid, and tell them it’s okay to speak up.

Lastly, try not to get into arguments with the manipulative parent. Fighting back usually just makes things more tense. Keep things calm and professional, and use co-parenting apps to keep a record of your communication. And never ask your child to confront the manipulative parent—this can lead to even more stress or harm. Instead, be their protector and their safe space. Your steady support gives them the emotional security they need.

A Final Word of Hope

Dealing with a gaslighting co-parent is one of the hardest parts of raising a child. But with love, patience, and support, your child can heal. Every kind word, every moment of listening, and every effort to protect their truth makes a difference.

No matter how hard it feels now, your love is building a stronger, healthier future for your child. And that’s what matters most.

Why a specific guide?
Because rainbow families come in many forms: adoption, surrogacy, blended parenting, transitions… And each path deserves real, practical support.

1. Define everyone’s role

💡 Who does what? From school pickups to health care to birthdays—define and respect each role, including social parents.

2. Communicate clearly

Use a neutral platform (like 2houses) to:

• Log daily details
• Keep tone respectful
• Prevent emotional overload
  And yes—having a co-parenting code of conduct helps.

3. Protect your child

• Speak positively about their family structure
• Prepare them (gently) for outside comments
• Involve them in some decisions to build their security and trust

4. Stay organized legally

• Centralize legal documents
• If one parent isn’t legally recognized, consider power of attorney agreements
• Consult with a family law expert familiar with LGBTQ+ dynamics

5. Celebrate your family

• Use inclusive books, games, and visuals
• Mark Pride Month together
• Remind your child: their family is whole, loved, and valid

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Helpful resources:

• Trevor Project – US
• APGL – France (EN version)
• 2houses features

Divorce is no walk in the park. It can leave you feeling lonely, confused, and eager for a fresh start. And while it might feel good to start dating again, let me be real with you—jumping into a new relationship before your divorce is final can cause a whole mess of problems.

At first, it might not seem like a big deal. But dating during a divorce can stir up legal issues, emotional drama, and even hurt your wallet.

Divorce isn’t just about signing some papers and walking away. It’s a life-changing process. You’re untangling your world from someone you once shared everything with—money, property, and maybe even kids. It’s already a lot to handle, and dating can make it even harder. Bringing a new partner into the mix while things are still up in the air can add a ton of stress—for you, your ex, your children, and even your court case.

I get asked this all the time: “Is dating during a divorce really that bad?”
My honest answer? Yeah, most of the time it is.

In this post, I’ll walk you through 5 clear reasons why it’s better to wait until your divorce is officially done before diving back into the dating pool. Atfirst, Let’s talk about what “dating” really means in the eyes of the law.

What Legally Counts as ‘Dating’ During Divorce?

You might be wondering, “What exactly counts as dating?” That’s a great question. The law isn’t always super clear about it, and it can depend on where you live. But in general, if you’re spending time with someone in a romantic or intimate way—whether that’s going out for dinners, messaging sweet things online, or even just hanging out a lot—that can be seen as dating.

And yes, even if you’re not being physical, just texting or chatting in a flirty way can be enough for a judge to see it as a relationship.

When this kind of stuff comes up in court, the judge will look at everything—how often you see the person, what kind of things you say to each other, and whether it seems like a romantic connection. So even if it feels casual to you, it might not look that way legally.

Here’s something really important I want you to know: being separated is not the same as being divorced. Even if you’re living apart from your spouse, you’re still legally married until the court signs off on the final divorce.

That means if you start dating while you’re separated, it could be seen as cheating in some states. I know that sounds unfair, especially if the marriage is clearly over in your heart—but legally, it still matters.

A lot of people get confused about this. They think separation gives them the green light to start fresh. But in many places, it doesn’t work that way. That final divorce paper makes it official—and until then, starting a new relationship can come back to bite you.

5 Reasons to Avoid Dating During Divorce

1. It Can Cause Big Legal Problems

Your Divorce Could Get Messy
Even if you live in a “no-fault” divorce state, where no one has to prove who was wrong, dating while the divorce isn’t final can still stir things up. Your soon-to-be ex might get angry or hurt, and that can make everything harder — like splitting up stuff, figuring out child custody, or working out support payments. What could have been a peaceful split might turn into a long, expensive fight in court.

It Might Hurt Your Chances of Getting Alimony
If you’re asking for spousal support (alimony), dating someone else can make the judge think you don’t need the money anymore — especially if they think your new partner is helping you out financially. Some states even count dating as a reason to cut or stop alimony completely. Living with someone new can really change the judge’s mind about whether you still need support.

You Could Lose Time With Your Kids
Courts care a lot about what’s best for the kids. If you start dating while the divorce is happening, the judge might question your choices. If your ex tells the court your new partner is around your kids too soon, that could hurt your chances of getting custody. The court may wonder if you’re putting your love life before your children’s well-being.

2. It Can Mess With Your Emotions

You Might Not Heal Properly
Divorce hurts. And jumping into a new relationship too fast can keep you from healing. A lot of new romances right after a breakup are “rebound” relationships — they’re more about filling a void than real love. You might end up depending on someone new before you’ve had time to get strong on your own.

It Can Make Things Worse With Your Ex
If your ex finds out you’re dating, they might get jealous or mad, even if they’ve already moved on emotionally. That can make co-parenting harder and turn peaceful talks into arguments. You might end up spending more money and time just trying to get through the divorce.

3. It Can Cost You Money

Your Legal Bills Might Go Up
If your ex gets upset about your dating, they might drag out the divorce. That means more meetings with lawyers, more court time, and more money out of your pocket. Even if you think dating won’t affect the case, it could end up costing you big.

Arguments About Money and Property
Spending joint money (like from a shared bank account) on a new boyfriend or girlfriend can backfire. Your ex could say you wasted marital money, and the court might agree. That could lead to the judge giving your ex more of the leftover money or property to make up for it.

4. It Can Damage Your Reputation

People Might Think You Cheated. Even if your marriage has been over for a while, others might see your new relationship as cheating since you’re still legally married. Friends, family, and even the judge might view it as disrespectful. That could make things socially awkward or even hurt your case.

It Could Affect Your Job. In today’s world, people talk — especially online. If your dating life shows up on social media, it could cause problems at work, especially if you have a job where image matters. Even innocent posts could be misunderstood or used against you.

5. It Can Distract You From What Matters Most

You Need to Focus on Important Stuff
Divorce is tough and takes a lot of energy. You need time to plan your finances, take care of your kids, and work through your own emotions. Dating someone new can pull your attention away from these critical things, and that might lead to bad decisions you’ll regret later.

New Relationships Might Not Be Stable
Let’s be real — when you’re hurting and vulnerable, it’s easy to fall for someone who might not be right for you. A lot of relationships that start during divorce don’t last. They often come from a place of pain, not real connection. That can lead to more heartache down the road.

FAQs: 

Can dating during divorce affect child custody?
Yes, it absolutely can. Courts prioritize the child’s best interests above all else. Your dating life can raise concerns with the court about your parental judgment and the stability of the environment you are providing for your children. Introducing a new partner too soon, or a partner with a questionable background, can be viewed negatively and may impact custody decisions.  

Is dating during divorce considered adultery?
Yes, technically it is. Until your divorce is legally finalized, you are still married, and engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else can be considered adultery. This can have legal ramifications, especially in states that recognize fault grounds for divorce or when considering alimony and the division of property.  

How long after separation should I wait to date?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It is a deeply personal decision that depends on your emotional readiness, how well you have processed the end of your marriage, and your focus on personal growth. Many experts advise waiting until after your divorce is finalized, or even longer, to ensure you have had sufficient time for emotional healing and self-reflection.  

What if I’m already dating? How to mitigate risks?
If you have already started dating, there are steps you can take to mitigate potential risks. It is advisable to keep your new relationship private, especially from your children and your ex-spouse. Avoid using marital funds for dating expenses. Be honest with your new partner about your current situation. Seek legal advice from a family law attorney to understand the potential implications in your specific case. Above all, prioritize the well-being of your children and ensure your dating life does not negatively impact them.  

Going through a divorce with kids is tough, but dealing with your relationship with them after the divorce can feel even tougher. You might notice that things are getting more strained between you and your children, and you can’t quite figure out why. Maybe you’re seeing them less often, or they seem to be distancing themselves from you more and more. At this point, you might be asking yourself: Is this estrangement, or could it be parental alienation?

What is Familial Estrangement?

Familial estrangement (or realistic estrangement) happens when a child actively chooses to pull away from a parent or other family members. It’s usually because of a strained relationship, and the child decides they no longer want to be part of it. This choice is made on the child’s own terms and is based on their own feelings and experiences.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation is different. It’s when one parent intentionally tries to turn the child against the other parent, causing the child to reject that parent without any real reason. Think of it as a form of “brainwashing” where the child’s feelings are being manipulated by the alienating parent.

Key Differences Between Estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome(PAS)

Let’s clear up the confusion between estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) because, while both cause relationship problems, they’re not the same thing. To make it simple, I’ll answer some key questions that will help you see the differences:

Questions	Parental Alienation Syndrome	Estrangement
Who Starts the Disconnection?	One parent is behind it. They manipulate the child into rejecting the other parent, making the child feel things they might not have felt otherwise.	The person, like a child or adult, chooses to step away on their own. This usually happens because they feel hurt or want distance for personal reasons.
Is There Manipulation Involved?	Yes, a lot of manipulation. The parent who’s causing PAS puts false or exaggerated ideas in the child’s mind, changing how they see the other parent.	No manipulation here. It’s all about the person’s choice based on how they feel about the relationship.
What’s the Relationship Breakdown Like?	The split is created and pushed by the alienating parent. The child’s extreme anger or fear towards the other parent doesn’t match the reality of their past relationship.	This separation usually happens because of something real, like past harm or feeling misunderstood. The person may choose to reconnect if things get better.
How Does It Affect the Child Psychologically?	The child feels trapped, confused, and emotionally stressed. They’re torn between the parent who is filling their head with negativity and their own past experiences with the other parent.	The child might feel a mix of emotions—sadness, guilt, or even relief—depending on why they pulled away.
Can the Relationship Be Fixed?	It’s much harder. The child’s mind has been influenced so much that even if the alienated parent tries to reach out, it could take a long time for those negative feelings to fade away.	There’s hope! If the problems that caused the distance are solved, and both people want to fix things, it’s possible to rebuild the relationship.

Why Mixing Up Terms Can Be a Big Problem?

Let’s talk about why it’s so important not to mix up estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome. Getting these two terms wrong can cause serious problems, especially if you’re in a courtroom or working with a therapist.

Just imagine – A child doesn’t want to see one of their parents because of past abuse. But instead of calling it estrangement, someone labels it as PAS. This could make it seem like the child’s feelings don’t matter and unfairly blame the other parent. That’s a big mistake.

Now, think about the flip side. If PAS is happening—like one parent is turning the child against the other—but no one sees it, the child could end up emotionally hurt and the bond with the alienated parent could be completely destroyed.

That’s why it’s so important for therapists and legal experts who understand family issues to carefully figure out what’s really going on. If PAS is suspected, they should focus on finding out the real reason behind the child’s behavior. And it’s not just about the child—both parents need support to keep a strong and healthy relationship with their kid.

So remember, calling it what it is matters. It’s not just about using the right words; it’s about making sure the child’s needs and family relationships are taken care of in the best way possible!

The idea of turning your children into “messengers” is a common parenting approach, where parents rely on their kids to relay information, instructions, or requests between them and other family members or authorities. This approach may seem convenient, but it can have significant negative consequences for your child’s development and well-being.

When you make your children into messengers, you’re essentially burdening them with the responsibility of communicating on behalf of others. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, confusion, and even resentment in your child, as they may feel caught in the middle of conflicting messages or expectations. Additionally, this practice can undermine your child’s sense of autonomy and their ability to develop their own communication skills.

The Possible Negative Effects on Kids When You Make Them a Messenger:

I want to have a heart-to-heart with you about something that often slips under the radar: making your children act as messengers. You might think it’s harmless, but it can actually have some pretty serious negative effects on them. Let me walk you through it with some examples that might hit close to home.

Emotional Distress

Imagine asking your child to tell your partner about a disagreement you had. Your child, caught in the middle, might feel overwhelmed or anxious. I once knew a family where the parents frequently used their young son to relay messages about their disputes. The poor kid ended up feeling like he was the cause of the arguments, which led to a lot of emotional distress and a breakdown in trust. It’s your duty to protect your child’s emotional well-being by handling sensitive conversations directly.

Impaired Communication Skills

When children aren’t given the chance to speak directly, they miss out on learning how to express their own thoughts and feelings. Think of a situation where a child is always asked to tell their sibling something instead of speaking to them directly. Over time, this child might struggle with articulating their own needs or emotions. Let’s help our kids build strong communication skills by encouraging them to speak for themselves.

Boundary Issues

Expecting your child to act as a go-between can mess with their understanding of boundaries. I remember a friend who was often asked by her parents to mediate their disagreements. She ended up feeling responsible for their relationship, which blurred her sense of what was appropriate for her age. Children need clear roles and expectations to feel secure. Let them be kids, not mediators.

Clipping Their Wings:

Your kids need to learn to be independent, right? But if they’re always running errands or delivering messages, they don’t get the chance to make their own choices and take responsibility for their actions. This can make them feel like their voice doesn’t matter, hindering their growth and confidence.

Communication Strategies for Children: Preventing Them from Being Messengers

We all want our children to grow into confident, independent individuals, right? One of the best ways to ensure this is by equipping them with strong communication skills. Instead of turning them into messengers, let’s focus on strategies that empower them and nurture healthy relationships. Here are some tips :

Practice Open Dialogue With Your Kids

Creating an environment where your children feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings is foundational. Encourage open and honest dialogue within your family. This means actively listening to your children, validating their experiences, and ensuring they know their voices matter. When they feel heard and understood, trust flourishes, making them more likely to come to you with their concerns.

The Role of Parents in Effective Communication

You’re a great example for your kids when it comes to talking things out. Show them how to really listen, understand how they feel, and clearly say what you need and what’s okay. When you do this, they learn how to talk to others and tell people what they want.

Building Trust and Understanding with Your Children

Take the time to truly understand your children—their interests, fears, and aspirations. Regular one-on-one conversations can be incredibly valuable. Show genuine interest in their world, and they’ll be more open to sharing their thoughts and feelings. This understanding builds a strong foundation of trust, essential for any healthy relationship.

Encouraging Independence and Decision-Making Skills

Empower your children to make their own decisions and learn from their experiences. Offer guidance and support, but resist the urge to decide for them or use them as intermediaries. By doing so, you’re helping them develop confidence and the ability to make sound decisions—skills that are crucial for their independence and self-reliance.

Teaching Effective Communication Skills

Actively teach your children how to communicate well. Skills like active listening, assertiveness, and conflict resolution are invaluable. Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings clearly, and provide feedback to help them improve. These skills will serve them well in all aspects of their lives.

The Benefits of Active Listening and Empathy

Show your children the power of active listening and empathy through your own actions. Take a genuine interest in their perspectives, and make an effort to understand their emotions and experiences. Not only does this strengthen your bond, but it also models the behavior you want to see in them.

In conclusion, making your children into “messengers” is a flawed approach that can have significant negative consequences for their development and well-being. Instead, focus on fostering open and honest dialogue, modeling effective communication skills, and empowering your children to express themselves and make their own decisions. By prioritizing healthy communication, you can build stronger, more trusting relationships with your children and help them develop the skills they need to thrive.

To learn more about effective communication strategies for your family, consider signing up for our parenting workshop or scheduling a consultation with one of our family communication experts. Together, we can help you create a nurturing environment where your children can thrive.

Preteens, or tweens, go through a lot of changes both physically and emotionally. Puberty can make their moods swing, and many tweens are busy with school, sports, and chores. With 1 in 8 kids facing anxiety, it’s clear that these years can be tough. As a parent, it’s important to talk to your preteen with care and understanding. Here are some easy tips and strategies to help you talk about stressful situations with your preteen.

Ask, Don’t Assume

As parents, we sometimes believe we know our preteens better than they know themselves. However, it’s essential to approach conversations without assumptions. Engage your preteen with open-ended questions that encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen attentively and avoid interrupting or invalidating their experiences.

Common Assumptions to Avoid

• “I know you’ve been stressed lately.”
• “All kids your age want a boyfriend or girlfriend, so I know you like someone.”
• “If I walk upstairs right now, I’m sure I’ll find your bed unmade and your clothes everywhere.”
• “I know you probably hate me right now, but…”

These statements can make your preteen feel misunderstood and judged. Instead, try starting sentences with “I feel” and focus on their individual experiences. This approach fosters a judgment-free environment where your preteen feels safe to share.

Suggestions for you: Ask questions such as “How have you been feeling lately?” or “Is there something on your mind you’d like to talk about?” rather than making assumptions. This helps your preteen share without feeling pressured.

Choose the Right Time

When talking about stress, timing is very important. Family meals might seem like a good time, but your preteen might not feel comfortable sharing in front of everyone. It’s usually best to keep meal times for light conversations and choose other times for deeper talks.

Ideal Times to Talk:

• Before bed, when your preteen is winding down.
• During car rides to school or activities.
• While engaging in a shared activity, like grabbing ice cream or taking a walk.

You can ask your preteen when they feel most comfortable talking and plan accordingly. This shows respect for their preferences and helps create a supportive atmosphere.

I advise you to create a regular one-on-one time with your preteen. This could be a weekly outing or a nightly chat before bed. Consistency helps build trust and makes it easier for them to open up.

Offer Potential Solutions Cautiously

Sometimes, your preteen may just need a listening ear. Other times, they might be looking for guidance. Offer solutions cautiously and ensure they’re open to receiving advice. For example, peer pressure, low self-esteem, academic stress, or a big move can be overwhelming for a child.

Techniques that will help your child handle stress:

Ask First: Instead of jumping in with advice, ask, “Would you like some ideas on how to handle this?” This shows you respect their independence.

Provide Tools: Leave helpful items like a journal, a stress ball, or a relaxation app in their room. These can help them manage stress on their own.

Teach Coping Techniques: Show them how to do yoga, deep breathing exercises, or visualizations. These can be really effective for managing stress.

Deal with Specific Stressors: If your preteen is facing issues like bullying or friendship problems, take action. For instance, talk to school officials about bullying or help your child navigate friendship conflicts.

Encourage Open Communication

Talking with your preteen is very important. Let them know you are always there to listen without judging them, and encourage them to talk about their thoughts and feelings regularly, not just when they are upset. Be friendly and show real interest in their daily life, and accept their emotions even if you don’t fully get it by saying things like, “I can see this is really important to you.” Sharing your own problems can help them feel less alone and more understood. 

You can make a “worry box” where your preteen can drop notes about their worries; and take a look at these notes together at a set time each week, giving them a special space to share their concerns

Be Patient and Understanding

When your preteen is stressed, it’s important to be patient and understanding. Their feelings are real, even if they seem small to you. Show them that you care and support them during these tough times.

To show patience, listen closely and give them your full attention when they talk. Stay calm and don’t overreact, even if their problems seem minor. Respect their need for space; sometimes they may want to be alone to sort out their feelings.

The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment where your preteen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. I believe, by following all these tips, you can build a stronger, more understanding relationship with your preteen and help them thrive during these challenging years.

For more personalized advice and strategies that fit your family’s unique needs, feel free to contact 2houses team or schedule a consultation. Your journey to better communication and understanding with your preteen starts here.

Divorce can feel like a stormy sea, filled with emotions and uncertainty. To help calm the waters for your kids, it’s very important to keep the lines of communication open and positive. A friendly, respectful dialogue can make all the difference for your family.

Here are some helpful tips and strategies to ensure your conversations with your kids stay bright and supportive during this hard time.

Listen and Validate Their Feelings.

Encourage your kids to talk about how they feel about the divorce. Make sure you listen carefully to what they say and show that you understand. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. By doing this, you show them that their feelings are important and valid. This will help them feel heard and supported during this tough time. Remind them that you’re there for them and that it’s normal to have these emotions.

Provide Reassurance and Stability.

Reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. It’s important to keep their routines and expectations consistent to provide a sense of stability during this transition. For example, if your child always has a bedtime story before bed, make sure to continue this tradition. This helps them feel secure and shows them that, despite the changes, some things will stay the same.

Avoid Negative Remarks About Your Ex.

Don’t say bad things about your ex-spouse in front of your kids. This can make them feel torn between their parents and more upset. Instead, focus on creating a positive environment for your children. Remind yourself that your kids love both of you and need to feel that it’s okay to do so. By avoiding negative comments, you help them feel safe and loved by both parents. Encourage them to have a good relationship with your ex, which will help them adjust better to the changes in the family.

Encourage Open Communication.

Make sure your kids feel safe to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Regularly ask them how they’re doing and be ready to have tough talks when needed. Let them know they can always come to you with anything on their mind. For example, set aside some time each evening to talk about their day and how they’re feeling. This helps them feel supported and understood. If your child mentions they’re feeling sad about not seeing the other parent as much, listen and reassure them that it’s okay to feel that way.

Communicate Stability, but Don’t Be Afraid to Show Emotion.

When talking with your kids about the divorce, try to stay calm and in control. This helps them feel more stable during a chaotic time. But it’s also good to share your own feelings with them. Let them know when you feel sad, anxious, or upset, and tell them what you’re doing to feel better. This shows them that it’s normal to have these feelings and gives them words to describe their own emotions. It also teaches them healthy ways to cope.

For example, you might say, “I’m feeling a bit sad today, so I’m going to take a walk to feel better.” This balance is important. You don’t want to be overly emotional and make them feel like they need to take care of you. But you also don’t want to be so calm that they don’t feel safe sharing their own feelings. Find the right balance to help them feel secure and understood.

Be Honest When Answering Questions.

Being honest is really important for two main reasons.

First, kids are smart and can tell when you’re not being truthful. If they sense dishonesty, it can make them feel angry or resentful. 

Second, if you don’t give them the truth, they might look for answers on their own or come up with their own ideas, which can make them anxious. By being open and honest, you can help ease their worries. 

But remember, honesty has its limits. Share information that’s age-appropriate. For instance, while it’s okay to talk about changes that affect them, you shouldn’t share personal issues like marital problems. Before answering their questions, think about whether your answer will help or hurt.

Use Affirming Words.

Using positive words is a great way to keep a strong bond with your kids after a divorce. Remind them that you love them by saying things like, “I love you” or “I’m so glad you’re my child.” Tell them how amazing they are! Your words can reassure them that your love remains constant, no matter what changes are happening in the family.

And don’t forget to use kind words with your ex, too. Try to stay civil and avoid arguing in front of the kids. It can upset them and lead to unhealthy reactions. Simple phrases like “Thank you for taking care of our kids” can really help.

Be Consistent and Keep Trying.

Consistency is key. After a divorce, your kids might have trust issues, so they need to see that you’re there for them regularly. If you do something nice for them once, it won’t be enough to build trust. This is especially true for teenagers, who might not always want to spend time with you. Keep reaching out, even if they don’t respond to your texts or calls. They need your support more than you need an immediate reply, so keep trying.

Get Help for Better Communication

If you and your ex have trouble talking nicely, think about getting help from a professional, like a family therapist or a divorce mediator. You can get advice from experts at 2houses.com to help you fix this problem. Also, keep our co-parenting app on your phone to help you be a great parent.

Contact us now to start making co-parenting easier and more positive.

Kids going through their parents’ divorce can feel stuck in the middle. They have to adjust to living in two places, following different rules, and maybe even seeing different friends and family. All they really want is to stay out of their parents’ fights and get along with both mom and dad (unless one of them isn’t nice to them, of course).

But some moms and dads make things harder. They see how tough it is for their kids to deal with everything and try to get them to pick a side. They might badmouth the other parent or make it hard for the child to see them. This is called parental alienation.

Impact of Parental Alienation on Children

The impact of parental alienation on children is profound and can manifest in various ways. Children who are subjected to parental alienation may feel guilty, unhappy, or angry. They may experience low self-esteem and trust concerns. In some cases, children may accept the alienating parent’s unfavorable perceptions of the targeted parent, which could result in a total rejection of that parent.

Furthermore, parental alienation can have long-term effects on a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and navigate their own future partnerships. They may struggle with intimacy, have difficulty trusting others, and experience challenges in establishing their own identities. That’s why it’s super important to deal with parental alienation right away and help these kids overcome these problems.

Signs of Parental Alienation

It’s important to catch parental alienation early to stop it from hurting your child any more. Here are some signs to watch out for:

• Your child acts mean or ignores the other parent for no reason.
• They start saying the same bad things about the other parent that the main caregiver says.
• They don’t want to see the other parent or do things with them anymore.
• Their whole attitude towards the other parent changes all of a sudden.
• They make up stories or exaggerate problems about the other parent.

It is important to note that – Just because your child does some of these things doesn’t for sure mean it’s parental alienation. There could be other reasons. However, if multiple signs are present, it’s best to talk to a professional to figure things out and get help for your child. 

Factors that Contribute to Parental Alienation

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows during a break-up, and sometimes parents can get so mad at each other they forget about their kids. Here’s why this might happen:

• Lots of Fighting: When parents get divorced in a big fight, it can make parental alienation more likely.
• Parent doesn’t care about child’s feelings: Some parents get so caught up in being mad that they don’t realize they’re hurting their child by making them not like the other parent.
• Family and Friends Joining In: If people around a parent are also saying bad things about the other parent, it can make the kid believe them more.
• Past Problems: If a parent has a history of treating their child or the other parent badly, it might be easier for them to try and push the child away from the other parent.

Strategies to Help Children Resist Parental Alienation

Supporting children who are experiencing parental alienation requires a multi-faceted approach that prioritizes their well-being and emotional recovery. Parents concerned about parental alienation also need to help their children develop 4 capacities that will help them resist the pressure to choose sides. Here are these strategies that can help children resist parental alienation:

Critical Thinking Skills

When children think critically, they can understand where their thoughts come from and decide if they’re true or not. This helps them question ideas like thinking one parent is all good and the other is all bad. If a child is using critical thinking skills it is not likely that he or she can be programmed or brainwashed into rejecting one parent to please the other.

Considering Options

When placed in a pressured situation in which a child feels compelled to do as one parent asks (i.e., not spend time with the other parent, spy on that parent, and so forth), it is important for the child to slow down, not act right away, and consider his or her options. Doing so can prevent the child from automatically doing what the alienating parent is asking.

Listening to One’s Heart

When children learn to be themselves and stick to what they think is right, it’s harder for someone to trick them or get them to do things that hurt them in the long run. This could be like choosing sides between mom and dad, or doing something that makes one of them sad. Help your child figure out what’s important to them, and how to know when they’re going against those things.

Using Coping Skills and Getting Support

Children sometimes feel that they are the only ones who are dealing with a problem and that no one can understand what they are going through. Encouraging children to talk to other people such as friends, teachers, and other caring adults can help them feel less alone and can help them benefit from the wisdom and kindness of others. Children also have more internal resources (self talk, relaxation strategies) that they can develop and rely on in times of need.

By implementing these above strategies, parents and professionals can help children resist the pressure to choose one parent over the other and mitigate the damaging effects of parental alienation.

If you suspect that your child is experiencing parental alienation, it is important to seek professional help immediately. Remember, your child’s well-being is of utmost importance, and by taking action, you can help them resist the pressure to choose one parent over the other and promote their emotional recovery.

The holiday season, with its twinkling lights, cozy gatherings, and the enchanting scent of freshly baked cookies in the air, is a time of magic and wonder. It’s a season that fills our hearts with warmth and reminds us to be grateful for the love and connections in our lives. But what happens when the fairy tale of the holidays collides with the reality of divorce? For many parents, this time of year can bring a unique set of challenges and mixed emotions.

If you find yourself navigating the holiday season post-divorce, you may be pondering how to maintain its special and cherished essence for your children. The great news is that achieving this is entirely feasible, and it all commences with a valuable lesson – embracing the art of gratitude.

In this article, we’ll explore the transformative power of gratitude, especially when it comes to teaching children to appreciate the holiday season amidst the complexities of divorce. Together, we’ll discover practical strategies and heartfelt approaches to make this season a time of connection, growth, and enduring memories. Despite the trials of divorce, the magic of the holidays can endure, and your children can learn one of life’s most valuable lessons along the way.

Emphasize the True Meaning of the Holidays

Navigating the holiday season after a divorce requires emphasizing the authentic spirit of this time of year to your children. Encourage them to understand that the holidays are not merely about material gifts or extravagant celebrations but are, at their core, a celebration of love, kindness, and togetherness. Help your children understand the profound importance of these values by sharing stories and traditions that revolve around them. Storytelling can be a powerful tool in instilling these principles, as you can recount tales of compassion, generosity, and the warmth of human connection. Furthermore, involving your children in activities that foster empathy and goodwill, such as volunteering or engaging in acts of kindness, can further solidify these lessons. By focusing on the true meaning of the holidays, you can guide your children in cherishing the essence of love and togetherness, thus creating lasting memories that extend far beyond material gifts and lavish celebrations.

Create New Traditions

In the wake of life changes, some long standing traditions may no longer be attainable or may not hold the same significance. Nevertheless, this juncture offers a unique window of opportunity to craft fresh and profound traditions alongside your children.  It need not be elaborate or extravagant; simplicity can often resonate more deeply. Take, for instance, the act of coming together to bake holiday cookies. In the shared process of kneading dough and adorning cookies, bonds are strengthened. Alternatively, family volunteering can be a powerful way to instill values of generosity and togetherness, emphasizing the importance of giving back to the community. Through the introduction of these novel traditions, you not only create enduring memories but also impart core values that transcend the holiday season, fostering a sense of togetherness, resilience, and a shared purpose within your family circle.

Encourage Open Communication

When it comes to navigating the holiday season in the aftermath of a divorce, there’s no overstating the significance of cultivating an environment where open and candid conversations with your children are encouraged. Create a safe and supportive environment where your children feel free to express their thoughts and emotions about both the divorce and the upcoming holidays. Create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable sharing a spectrum of feelings, whether it’s excitement, sadness, confusion, or a mix of various emotions. Be a compassionate and attentive listener, showing empathy and understanding as they share their innermost thoughts. This act of listening and validating their emotions can be an essential component in their healing process and overall adjustment to the new dynamics of the holiday season post-divorce.

Teach the Art of Giving

Amid the holiday season, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, there is a profound opportunity to instill a valuable lesson in your children—the art of giving.  Encourage your children to embrace the spirit of generosity, which can be a life-changing experience. By fostering the notion of giving back to others, you not only promote empathy and kindness but also help them grasp the genuine essence of the holidays. The avenues for doing this are numerous. You can involve your children in charitable endeavors or volunteer work that aligns with their interests and abilities. Whether it’s collecting donations for a local food bank, assisting at a shelter, or participating in a toy drive, these activities allow your children to actively contribute to brightening the holidays for others, fostering a sense of fulfillment and empathy.Furthermore, engaging in creative sessions to craft handmade gifts for family members and friends adds a personal dimension to the season, underscoring the thought and effort behind the act of giving. These experiences can enable your children to recognize the joy that comes from positively impacting the lives of others and, in turn, nurture a profound sense of gratitude. Teaching the art of giving not only reinforces the authentic meaning of the holidays but also equips your children with a lifelong understanding of the power of kindness and the significance of sharing one’s blessings with those less fortunate.

Practice Gratitude Daily

In the midst of the challenges posed by navigating the holiday season post-divorce, it becomes even more vital to establish a daily practice of gratitude within your family. Creating a habit of recognizing and vocalizing the things you’re thankful for can be remarkably transformative. Encourage your family to come together and share what they are grateful for, whether it’s during dinner, before bedtime, or in any other convenient moment that suits your family’s routine. This straightforward yet impactful practice not only deepens the familial bonds but also fosters a profound appreciation for the positive aspects of life. It serves as a reminder that even in times of change and transition, there are still countless reasons to be thankful. Moreover, this routine can serve as a powerful tool in helping your children shift their focus away from potential difficulties and towards the abundance of love, support, and cherished experiences that surround them. By making gratitude a part of your daily family life, you can infuse the holiday season with a profound sense of thankfulness, allowing your children to carry this essential lesson with them throughout the year, far beyond the confines of the holiday period.

Despite the difficulties, the holiday season can be a time of growth, love, and lasting memories for your family. So, let’s embrace the power of gratitude and make this holiday season a special one for your children.