Category: Communication

Going through a divorce with kids is tough, but dealing with your relationship with them after the divorce can feel even tougher. You might notice that things are getting more strained between you and your children, and you can’t quite figure out why. Maybe you’re seeing them less often, or they seem to be distancing themselves from you more and more. At this point, you might be asking yourself: Is this estrangement, or could it be parental alienation?

What is Familial Estrangement?

Familial estrangement (or realistic estrangement) happens when a child actively chooses to pull away from a parent or other family members. It’s usually because of a strained relationship, and the child decides they no longer want to be part of it. This choice is made on the child’s own terms and is based on their own feelings and experiences.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation is different. It’s when one parent intentionally tries to turn the child against the other parent, causing the child to reject that parent without any real reason. Think of it as a form of “brainwashing” where the child’s feelings are being manipulated by the alienating parent.

Key Differences Between Estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome(PAS)

Let’s clear up the confusion between estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) because, while both cause relationship problems, they’re not the same thing. To make it simple, I’ll answer some key questions that will help you see the differences:

Questions	Parental Alienation Syndrome	Estrangement
Who Starts the Disconnection?	One parent is behind it. They manipulate the child into rejecting the other parent, making the child feel things they might not have felt otherwise.	The person, like a child or adult, chooses to step away on their own. This usually happens because they feel hurt or want distance for personal reasons.
Is There Manipulation Involved?	Yes, a lot of manipulation. The parent who’s causing PAS puts false or exaggerated ideas in the child’s mind, changing how they see the other parent.	No manipulation here. It’s all about the person’s choice based on how they feel about the relationship.
What’s the Relationship Breakdown Like?	The split is created and pushed by the alienating parent. The child’s extreme anger or fear towards the other parent doesn’t match the reality of their past relationship.	This separation usually happens because of something real, like past harm or feeling misunderstood. The person may choose to reconnect if things get better.
How Does It Affect the Child Psychologically?	The child feels trapped, confused, and emotionally stressed. They’re torn between the parent who is filling their head with negativity and their own past experiences with the other parent.	The child might feel a mix of emotions—sadness, guilt, or even relief—depending on why they pulled away.
Can the Relationship Be Fixed?	It’s much harder. The child’s mind has been influenced so much that even if the alienated parent tries to reach out, it could take a long time for those negative feelings to fade away.	There’s hope! If the problems that caused the distance are solved, and both people want to fix things, it’s possible to rebuild the relationship.

Why Mixing Up Terms Can Be a Big Problem?

Let’s talk about why it’s so important not to mix up estrangement and Parental Alienation Syndrome. Getting these two terms wrong can cause serious problems, especially if you’re in a courtroom or working with a therapist.

Just imagine – A child doesn’t want to see one of their parents because of past abuse. But instead of calling it estrangement, someone labels it as PAS. This could make it seem like the child’s feelings don’t matter and unfairly blame the other parent. That’s a big mistake.

Now, think about the flip side. If PAS is happening—like one parent is turning the child against the other—but no one sees it, the child could end up emotionally hurt and the bond with the alienated parent could be completely destroyed.

That’s why it’s so important for therapists and legal experts who understand family issues to carefully figure out what’s really going on. If PAS is suspected, they should focus on finding out the real reason behind the child’s behavior. And it’s not just about the child—both parents need support to keep a strong and healthy relationship with their kid.

So remember, calling it what it is matters. It’s not just about using the right words; it’s about making sure the child’s needs and family relationships are taken care of in the best way possible!

The idea of turning your children into “messengers” is a common parenting approach, where parents rely on their kids to relay information, instructions, or requests between them and other family members or authorities. This approach may seem convenient, but it can have significant negative consequences for your child’s development and well-being.

When you make your children into messengers, you’re essentially burdening them with the responsibility of communicating on behalf of others. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, confusion, and even resentment in your child, as they may feel caught in the middle of conflicting messages or expectations. Additionally, this practice can undermine your child’s sense of autonomy and their ability to develop their own communication skills.

The Possible Negative Effects on Kids When You Make Them a Messenger:

I want to have a heart-to-heart with you about something that often slips under the radar: making your children act as messengers. You might think it’s harmless, but it can actually have some pretty serious negative effects on them. Let me walk you through it with some examples that might hit close to home.

Emotional Distress

Imagine asking your child to tell your partner about a disagreement you had. Your child, caught in the middle, might feel overwhelmed or anxious. I once knew a family where the parents frequently used their young son to relay messages about their disputes. The poor kid ended up feeling like he was the cause of the arguments, which led to a lot of emotional distress and a breakdown in trust. It’s your duty to protect your child’s emotional well-being by handling sensitive conversations directly.

Impaired Communication Skills

When children aren’t given the chance to speak directly, they miss out on learning how to express their own thoughts and feelings. Think of a situation where a child is always asked to tell their sibling something instead of speaking to them directly. Over time, this child might struggle with articulating their own needs or emotions. Let’s help our kids build strong communication skills by encouraging them to speak for themselves.

Boundary Issues

Expecting your child to act as a go-between can mess with their understanding of boundaries. I remember a friend who was often asked by her parents to mediate their disagreements. She ended up feeling responsible for their relationship, which blurred her sense of what was appropriate for her age. Children need clear roles and expectations to feel secure. Let them be kids, not mediators.

Clipping Their Wings:

Your kids need to learn to be independent, right? But if they’re always running errands or delivering messages, they don’t get the chance to make their own choices and take responsibility for their actions. This can make them feel like their voice doesn’t matter, hindering their growth and confidence.

Communication Strategies for Children: Preventing Them from Being Messengers

We all want our children to grow into confident, independent individuals, right? One of the best ways to ensure this is by equipping them with strong communication skills. Instead of turning them into messengers, let’s focus on strategies that empower them and nurture healthy relationships. Here are some tips :

Practice Open Dialogue With Your Kids

Creating an environment where your children feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings is foundational. Encourage open and honest dialogue within your family. This means actively listening to your children, validating their experiences, and ensuring they know their voices matter. When they feel heard and understood, trust flourishes, making them more likely to come to you with their concerns.

The Role of Parents in Effective Communication

You’re a great example for your kids when it comes to talking things out. Show them how to really listen, understand how they feel, and clearly say what you need and what’s okay. When you do this, they learn how to talk to others and tell people what they want.

Building Trust and Understanding with Your Children

Take the time to truly understand your children—their interests, fears, and aspirations. Regular one-on-one conversations can be incredibly valuable. Show genuine interest in their world, and they’ll be more open to sharing their thoughts and feelings. This understanding builds a strong foundation of trust, essential for any healthy relationship.

Encouraging Independence and Decision-Making Skills

Empower your children to make their own decisions and learn from their experiences. Offer guidance and support, but resist the urge to decide for them or use them as intermediaries. By doing so, you’re helping them develop confidence and the ability to make sound decisions—skills that are crucial for their independence and self-reliance.

Teaching Effective Communication Skills

Actively teach your children how to communicate well. Skills like active listening, assertiveness, and conflict resolution are invaluable. Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings clearly, and provide feedback to help them improve. These skills will serve them well in all aspects of their lives.

The Benefits of Active Listening and Empathy

Show your children the power of active listening and empathy through your own actions. Take a genuine interest in their perspectives, and make an effort to understand their emotions and experiences. Not only does this strengthen your bond, but it also models the behavior you want to see in them.

In conclusion, making your children into “messengers” is a flawed approach that can have significant negative consequences for their development and well-being. Instead, focus on fostering open and honest dialogue, modeling effective communication skills, and empowering your children to express themselves and make their own decisions. By prioritizing healthy communication, you can build stronger, more trusting relationships with your children and help them develop the skills they need to thrive.

To learn more about effective communication strategies for your family, consider signing up for our parenting workshop or scheduling a consultation with one of our family communication experts. Together, we can help you create a nurturing environment where your children can thrive.

Preteens, or tweens, go through a lot of changes both physically and emotionally. Puberty can make their moods swing, and many tweens are busy with school, sports, and chores. With 1 in 8 kids facing anxiety, it’s clear that these years can be tough. As a parent, it’s important to talk to your preteen with care and understanding. Here are some easy tips and strategies to help you talk about stressful situations with your preteen.

Ask, Don’t Assume

As parents, we sometimes believe we know our preteens better than they know themselves. However, it’s essential to approach conversations without assumptions. Engage your preteen with open-ended questions that encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen attentively and avoid interrupting or invalidating their experiences.

Common Assumptions to Avoid

• “I know you’ve been stressed lately.”
• “All kids your age want a boyfriend or girlfriend, so I know you like someone.”
• “If I walk upstairs right now, I’m sure I’ll find your bed unmade and your clothes everywhere.”
• “I know you probably hate me right now, but…”

These statements can make your preteen feel misunderstood and judged. Instead, try starting sentences with “I feel” and focus on their individual experiences. This approach fosters a judgment-free environment where your preteen feels safe to share.

Suggestions for you: Ask questions such as “How have you been feeling lately?” or “Is there something on your mind you’d like to talk about?” rather than making assumptions. This helps your preteen share without feeling pressured.

Choose the Right Time

When talking about stress, timing is very important. Family meals might seem like a good time, but your preteen might not feel comfortable sharing in front of everyone. It’s usually best to keep meal times for light conversations and choose other times for deeper talks.

Ideal Times to Talk:

• Before bed, when your preteen is winding down.
• During car rides to school or activities.
• While engaging in a shared activity, like grabbing ice cream or taking a walk.

You can ask your preteen when they feel most comfortable talking and plan accordingly. This shows respect for their preferences and helps create a supportive atmosphere.

I advise you to create a regular one-on-one time with your preteen. This could be a weekly outing or a nightly chat before bed. Consistency helps build trust and makes it easier for them to open up.

Offer Potential Solutions Cautiously

Sometimes, your preteen may just need a listening ear. Other times, they might be looking for guidance. Offer solutions cautiously and ensure they’re open to receiving advice. For example, peer pressure, low self-esteem, academic stress, or a big move can be overwhelming for a child.

Techniques that will help your child handle stress:

Ask First: Instead of jumping in with advice, ask, “Would you like some ideas on how to handle this?” This shows you respect their independence.

Provide Tools: Leave helpful items like a journal, a stress ball, or a relaxation app in their room. These can help them manage stress on their own.

Teach Coping Techniques: Show them how to do yoga, deep breathing exercises, or visualizations. These can be really effective for managing stress.

Deal with Specific Stressors: If your preteen is facing issues like bullying or friendship problems, take action. For instance, talk to school officials about bullying or help your child navigate friendship conflicts.

Encourage Open Communication

Talking with your preteen is very important. Let them know you are always there to listen without judging them, and encourage them to talk about their thoughts and feelings regularly, not just when they are upset. Be friendly and show real interest in their daily life, and accept their emotions even if you don’t fully get it by saying things like, “I can see this is really important to you.” Sharing your own problems can help them feel less alone and more understood. 

You can make a “worry box” where your preteen can drop notes about their worries; and take a look at these notes together at a set time each week, giving them a special space to share their concerns

Be Patient and Understanding

When your preteen is stressed, it’s important to be patient and understanding. Their feelings are real, even if they seem small to you. Show them that you care and support them during these tough times.

To show patience, listen closely and give them your full attention when they talk. Stay calm and don’t overreact, even if their problems seem minor. Respect their need for space; sometimes they may want to be alone to sort out their feelings.

The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment where your preteen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. I believe, by following all these tips, you can build a stronger, more understanding relationship with your preteen and help them thrive during these challenging years.

For more personalized advice and strategies that fit your family’s unique needs, feel free to contact 2houses team or schedule a consultation. Your journey to better communication and understanding with your preteen starts here.

Divorce can feel like a stormy sea, filled with emotions and uncertainty. To help calm the waters for your kids, it’s very important to keep the lines of communication open and positive. A friendly, respectful dialogue can make all the difference for your family.

Here are some helpful tips and strategies to ensure your conversations with your kids stay bright and supportive during this hard time.

Listen and Validate Their Feelings.

Encourage your kids to talk about how they feel about the divorce. Make sure you listen carefully to what they say and show that you understand. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. By doing this, you show them that their feelings are important and valid. This will help them feel heard and supported during this tough time. Remind them that you’re there for them and that it’s normal to have these emotions.

Provide Reassurance and Stability.

Reassure your children that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. It’s important to keep their routines and expectations consistent to provide a sense of stability during this transition. For example, if your child always has a bedtime story before bed, make sure to continue this tradition. This helps them feel secure and shows them that, despite the changes, some things will stay the same.

Avoid Negative Remarks About Your Ex.

Don’t say bad things about your ex-spouse in front of your kids. This can make them feel torn between their parents and more upset. Instead, focus on creating a positive environment for your children. Remind yourself that your kids love both of you and need to feel that it’s okay to do so. By avoiding negative comments, you help them feel safe and loved by both parents. Encourage them to have a good relationship with your ex, which will help them adjust better to the changes in the family.

Encourage Open Communication.

Make sure your kids feel safe to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Regularly ask them how they’re doing and be ready to have tough talks when needed. Let them know they can always come to you with anything on their mind. For example, set aside some time each evening to talk about their day and how they’re feeling. This helps them feel supported and understood. If your child mentions they’re feeling sad about not seeing the other parent as much, listen and reassure them that it’s okay to feel that way.

Communicate Stability, but Don’t Be Afraid to Show Emotion.

When talking with your kids about the divorce, try to stay calm and in control. This helps them feel more stable during a chaotic time. But it’s also good to share your own feelings with them. Let them know when you feel sad, anxious, or upset, and tell them what you’re doing to feel better. This shows them that it’s normal to have these feelings and gives them words to describe their own emotions. It also teaches them healthy ways to cope.

For example, you might say, “I’m feeling a bit sad today, so I’m going to take a walk to feel better.” This balance is important. You don’t want to be overly emotional and make them feel like they need to take care of you. But you also don’t want to be so calm that they don’t feel safe sharing their own feelings. Find the right balance to help them feel secure and understood.

Be Honest When Answering Questions.

Being honest is really important for two main reasons.

First, kids are smart and can tell when you’re not being truthful. If they sense dishonesty, it can make them feel angry or resentful. 

Second, if you don’t give them the truth, they might look for answers on their own or come up with their own ideas, which can make them anxious. By being open and honest, you can help ease their worries. 

But remember, honesty has its limits. Share information that’s age-appropriate. For instance, while it’s okay to talk about changes that affect them, you shouldn’t share personal issues like marital problems. Before answering their questions, think about whether your answer will help or hurt.

Use Affirming Words.

Using positive words is a great way to keep a strong bond with your kids after a divorce. Remind them that you love them by saying things like, “I love you” or “I’m so glad you’re my child.” Tell them how amazing they are! Your words can reassure them that your love remains constant, no matter what changes are happening in the family.

And don’t forget to use kind words with your ex, too. Try to stay civil and avoid arguing in front of the kids. It can upset them and lead to unhealthy reactions. Simple phrases like “Thank you for taking care of our kids” can really help.

Be Consistent and Keep Trying.

Consistency is key. After a divorce, your kids might have trust issues, so they need to see that you’re there for them regularly. If you do something nice for them once, it won’t be enough to build trust. This is especially true for teenagers, who might not always want to spend time with you. Keep reaching out, even if they don’t respond to your texts or calls. They need your support more than you need an immediate reply, so keep trying.

Get Help for Better Communication

If you and your ex have trouble talking nicely, think about getting help from a professional, like a family therapist or a divorce mediator. You can get advice from experts at 2houses.com to help you fix this problem. Also, keep our co-parenting app on your phone to help you be a great parent.

Contact us now to start making co-parenting easier and more positive.

Kids going through their parents’ divorce can feel stuck in the middle. They have to adjust to living in two places, following different rules, and maybe even seeing different friends and family. All they really want is to stay out of their parents’ fights and get along with both mom and dad (unless one of them isn’t nice to them, of course).

But some moms and dads make things harder. They see how tough it is for their kids to deal with everything and try to get them to pick a side. They might badmouth the other parent or make it hard for the child to see them. This is called parental alienation.

Impact of Parental Alienation on Children

The impact of parental alienation on children is profound and can manifest in various ways. Children who are subjected to parental alienation may feel guilty, unhappy, or angry. They may experience low self-esteem and trust concerns. In some cases, children may accept the alienating parent’s unfavorable perceptions of the targeted parent, which could result in a total rejection of that parent.

Furthermore, parental alienation can have long-term effects on a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and navigate their own future partnerships. They may struggle with intimacy, have difficulty trusting others, and experience challenges in establishing their own identities. That’s why it’s super important to deal with parental alienation right away and help these kids overcome these problems.

Signs of Parental Alienation

It’s important to catch parental alienation early to stop it from hurting your child any more. Here are some signs to watch out for:

• Your child acts mean or ignores the other parent for no reason.
• They start saying the same bad things about the other parent that the main caregiver says.
• They don’t want to see the other parent or do things with them anymore.
• Their whole attitude towards the other parent changes all of a sudden.
• They make up stories or exaggerate problems about the other parent.

It is important to note that – Just because your child does some of these things doesn’t for sure mean it’s parental alienation. There could be other reasons. However, if multiple signs are present, it’s best to talk to a professional to figure things out and get help for your child. 

Factors that Contribute to Parental Alienation

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows during a break-up, and sometimes parents can get so mad at each other they forget about their kids. Here’s why this might happen:

• Lots of Fighting: When parents get divorced in a big fight, it can make parental alienation more likely.
• Parent doesn’t care about child’s feelings: Some parents get so caught up in being mad that they don’t realize they’re hurting their child by making them not like the other parent.
• Family and Friends Joining In: If people around a parent are also saying bad things about the other parent, it can make the kid believe them more.
• Past Problems: If a parent has a history of treating their child or the other parent badly, it might be easier for them to try and push the child away from the other parent.

Strategies to Help Children Resist Parental Alienation

Supporting children who are experiencing parental alienation requires a multi-faceted approach that prioritizes their well-being and emotional recovery. Parents concerned about parental alienation also need to help their children develop 4 capacities that will help them resist the pressure to choose sides. Here are these strategies that can help children resist parental alienation:

Critical Thinking Skills

When children think critically, they can understand where their thoughts come from and decide if they’re true or not. This helps them question ideas like thinking one parent is all good and the other is all bad. If a child is using critical thinking skills it is not likely that he or she can be programmed or brainwashed into rejecting one parent to please the other.

Considering Options

When placed in a pressured situation in which a child feels compelled to do as one parent asks (i.e., not spend time with the other parent, spy on that parent, and so forth), it is important for the child to slow down, not act right away, and consider his or her options. Doing so can prevent the child from automatically doing what the alienating parent is asking.

Listening to One’s Heart

When children learn to be themselves and stick to what they think is right, it’s harder for someone to trick them or get them to do things that hurt them in the long run. This could be like choosing sides between mom and dad, or doing something that makes one of them sad. Help your child figure out what’s important to them, and how to know when they’re going against those things.

Using Coping Skills and Getting Support

Children sometimes feel that they are the only ones who are dealing with a problem and that no one can understand what they are going through. Encouraging children to talk to other people such as friends, teachers, and other caring adults can help them feel less alone and can help them benefit from the wisdom and kindness of others. Children also have more internal resources (self talk, relaxation strategies) that they can develop and rely on in times of need.

By implementing these above strategies, parents and professionals can help children resist the pressure to choose one parent over the other and mitigate the damaging effects of parental alienation.

If you suspect that your child is experiencing parental alienation, it is important to seek professional help immediately. Remember, your child’s well-being is of utmost importance, and by taking action, you can help them resist the pressure to choose one parent over the other and promote their emotional recovery.

The holiday season, with its twinkling lights, cozy gatherings, and the enchanting scent of freshly baked cookies in the air, is a time of magic and wonder. It’s a season that fills our hearts with warmth and reminds us to be grateful for the love and connections in our lives. But what happens when the fairy tale of the holidays collides with the reality of divorce? For many parents, this time of year can bring a unique set of challenges and mixed emotions.

If you find yourself navigating the holiday season post-divorce, you may be pondering how to maintain its special and cherished essence for your children. The great news is that achieving this is entirely feasible, and it all commences with a valuable lesson – embracing the art of gratitude.

In this article, we’ll explore the transformative power of gratitude, especially when it comes to teaching children to appreciate the holiday season amidst the complexities of divorce. Together, we’ll discover practical strategies and heartfelt approaches to make this season a time of connection, growth, and enduring memories. Despite the trials of divorce, the magic of the holidays can endure, and your children can learn one of life’s most valuable lessons along the way.

Emphasize the True Meaning of the Holidays

Navigating the holiday season after a divorce requires emphasizing the authentic spirit of this time of year to your children. Encourage them to understand that the holidays are not merely about material gifts or extravagant celebrations but are, at their core, a celebration of love, kindness, and togetherness. Help your children understand the profound importance of these values by sharing stories and traditions that revolve around them. Storytelling can be a powerful tool in instilling these principles, as you can recount tales of compassion, generosity, and the warmth of human connection. Furthermore, involving your children in activities that foster empathy and goodwill, such as volunteering or engaging in acts of kindness, can further solidify these lessons. By focusing on the true meaning of the holidays, you can guide your children in cherishing the essence of love and togetherness, thus creating lasting memories that extend far beyond material gifts and lavish celebrations.

Create New Traditions

In the wake of life changes, some long standing traditions may no longer be attainable or may not hold the same significance. Nevertheless, this juncture offers a unique window of opportunity to craft fresh and profound traditions alongside your children.  It need not be elaborate or extravagant; simplicity can often resonate more deeply. Take, for instance, the act of coming together to bake holiday cookies. In the shared process of kneading dough and adorning cookies, bonds are strengthened. Alternatively, family volunteering can be a powerful way to instill values of generosity and togetherness, emphasizing the importance of giving back to the community. Through the introduction of these novel traditions, you not only create enduring memories but also impart core values that transcend the holiday season, fostering a sense of togetherness, resilience, and a shared purpose within your family circle.

Encourage Open Communication

When it comes to navigating the holiday season in the aftermath of a divorce, there’s no overstating the significance of cultivating an environment where open and candid conversations with your children are encouraged. Create a safe and supportive environment where your children feel free to express their thoughts and emotions about both the divorce and the upcoming holidays. Create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable sharing a spectrum of feelings, whether it’s excitement, sadness, confusion, or a mix of various emotions. Be a compassionate and attentive listener, showing empathy and understanding as they share their innermost thoughts. This act of listening and validating their emotions can be an essential component in their healing process and overall adjustment to the new dynamics of the holiday season post-divorce.

Teach the Art of Giving

Amid the holiday season, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, there is a profound opportunity to instill a valuable lesson in your children—the art of giving.  Encourage your children to embrace the spirit of generosity, which can be a life-changing experience. By fostering the notion of giving back to others, you not only promote empathy and kindness but also help them grasp the genuine essence of the holidays. The avenues for doing this are numerous. You can involve your children in charitable endeavors or volunteer work that aligns with their interests and abilities. Whether it’s collecting donations for a local food bank, assisting at a shelter, or participating in a toy drive, these activities allow your children to actively contribute to brightening the holidays for others, fostering a sense of fulfillment and empathy.Furthermore, engaging in creative sessions to craft handmade gifts for family members and friends adds a personal dimension to the season, underscoring the thought and effort behind the act of giving. These experiences can enable your children to recognize the joy that comes from positively impacting the lives of others and, in turn, nurture a profound sense of gratitude. Teaching the art of giving not only reinforces the authentic meaning of the holidays but also equips your children with a lifelong understanding of the power of kindness and the significance of sharing one’s blessings with those less fortunate.

Practice Gratitude Daily

In the midst of the challenges posed by navigating the holiday season post-divorce, it becomes even more vital to establish a daily practice of gratitude within your family. Creating a habit of recognizing and vocalizing the things you’re thankful for can be remarkably transformative. Encourage your family to come together and share what they are grateful for, whether it’s during dinner, before bedtime, or in any other convenient moment that suits your family’s routine. This straightforward yet impactful practice not only deepens the familial bonds but also fosters a profound appreciation for the positive aspects of life. It serves as a reminder that even in times of change and transition, there are still countless reasons to be thankful. Moreover, this routine can serve as a powerful tool in helping your children shift their focus away from potential difficulties and towards the abundance of love, support, and cherished experiences that surround them. By making gratitude a part of your daily family life, you can infuse the holiday season with a profound sense of thankfulness, allowing your children to carry this essential lesson with them throughout the year, far beyond the confines of the holiday period.

Despite the difficulties, the holiday season can be a time of growth, love, and lasting memories for your family. So, let’s embrace the power of gratitude and make this holiday season a special one for your children.

The holiday season is a time when the world sparkles with lights, and the air is filled with the scent of togetherness. Yet, for those navigating the path of co-parenting after divorce, the holiday season can feel like a challenging tightrope walk. It’s a time when emotions run high, and the need for cooperation and understanding is paramount. In this article, we will unveil a roadmap to not only survive but truly savor the holiday season while co-parenting after divorce. By following these practical strategies, you can transform potential pitfalls into opportunities for growth and create a joyful, memorable, and harmonious holiday season for your family.

Effective Communication 

One of the most critical aspects of successful co-parenting during the holidays is effective communication. It is essential to maintain open lines of communication with your former spouse to synchronize schedules and organize holiday activities. Discuss the expectations, gift-giving plans, and any special traditions. Clear and respectful communication plays a pivotal role in reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings and conflicts.

Create a Detailed Schedule

For a seamless holiday season, it’s imperative to craft a comprehensive schedule well ahead of time. Decide on custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and which holidays will be spent with each parent. A well-defined and structured plan alleviates stress and provides children with a clear understanding of what lies ahead.

Put the Children First

It’s crucial to consistently place your children’s welfare as the top priority. Consider their emotions and feelings during the holiday season. Foster open conversations to understand their desires and anticipations.  Make an effort to create a positive and festive atmosphere for them, regardless of the family structure.

Flexibility and Compromise

The holiday season often brings unforeseen twists. Be prepared to be flexible and make compromises when necessary. Occasionally, embracing changes in the schedule or permitting the children to partake in special occasions with the other parent can contribute to more joyful holidays for all involved.

New Traditions

Initiate novel holiday traditions. While some old traditions may no longer apply, you can create new ones to make the season memorable. Engage your children in the process of brainstorming and putting these new customs into practice, instilling a sense of enthusiasm and connection.

Respect Boundaries

Show regard for personal boundaries and personal space. Understand that the holidays may be an emotional time for both you and your ex-spouse. Uphold a sense of respect by refraining from engaging in contentious discussions during celebratory events.

Seek Support

When managing co-parenting responsibilities during the holiday season feels burdensome, contemplate seeking assistance from a therapist or a support network. These professionals can offer guidance and coping strategies to help you navigate the challenges effectively.

Collaborative Gift-Giving

Join forces with your former spouse when it comes to gift-giving to prevent redundancy and ensure your children receive thoughtful presents. Share wish lists and coordinate to provide a balanced and joyful gift-giving experience. 

Maintain Consistency

While creating new traditions is essential, try to maintain some level of consistency with past holiday traditions and routines, such as special meals, decorations, or even movie nights. This can offer your children a sense of steadiness amidst the holiday season’s transformations.

Plan Ahead for Travel

If holiday plans involve travel, make arrangements well in advance. Organize transportation, accommodations, and ensure that both parents possess all the essential documents and details required for the trip. This proactive approach minimizes stress and averts last-minute issues. 

Embrace Online Festivities

When physical presence with one parent is unfeasible due to geographical separation, adopt the use of virtual celebrations. Establish video calls, engage in online games, or arrange virtual dinners to involve both parents in the merriment and uphold a feeling of unity.

Explore how 2houses can support you in this journey

Prepare for Emotional Moments

Be ready for the possibility that both you and your children might encounter emotional moments throughout the holiday season.  It’s perfectly normal. Have a plan in place for handling these situations, whether it involves private one-on-one discussions or seeking assistance from a trained professional.

Document Everything

For legal and logistical purposes, it’s advisable to keep meticulous records of your holiday arrangements, visitation schedules, and any interactions with your former spouse. This can be useful in case of disputes or misunderstandings.

Seek Legal Guidance

If the need arises, consider reaching out to a family lawyer or mediator. They can help clarify legal obligations, rights, and responsibilities, ensuring that both parents adhere to the terms of their custody or visitation agreement.

Encourage Gratitude and Empathy

Instill in your children the virtues of thankfulness and compassion throughout the holiday season. Encourage them to appreciate the time spent with each parent and to consider the feelings and experiences of others.

Self-Care

Remember to put self-care at the top of your list. The holiday season can be emotionally taxing, so make time for yourself to recharge and reduce stress. A well-rested and emotionally balanced parent is in a better position to provide support to their children.

Co-parenting after divorce is a journey of growth and transformation, not just for your children but for you as parents as well. With these practical strategies and a commitment to putting your children first, you can navigate the holiday season with grace and ensure that the holidays continue to be a time of love, joy, and togetherness for your family, no matter the circumstances.

Separation and divorce are full of different emotions and stressors. It can be filled with anger, frustration, sadness and grief. It can come with relief, especially if there was a lot of conflict near the end of the marriage before you separated. But along with that relief can come guilt and this can be something that kids deal with as their parents get divorced.

The simple fact is that separation and divorce is hard on everyone, and it can be extremely difficult for kids, which can affect their mental health, their schooling and their behaviour. However, while it will never be easy, there are ways for parents to help their children cope with separation or divorce.

Strategy Number One: Reassure Your Children

The very first strategy that you and your ex-partner should implement is reassurance. Kids need to be reassured. Separation and divorce is filled with a lot of change and, often, even parents don’t have things completely figured out when they first get separated. If you don’t know all the details, be honest with them as is age appropriate. Let them know that you are still making decisions but once you have made the decision, you will let them know right away.

However, for most kids, the reassurance isn’t about where they will be putting their stuffed animals, the reassurance they need is all about the relationships. So spend the time reassuring them that they are loved and that nothing will change how you or your ex-partner feel about them.

Reassure them that you both will still be as involved with them as you were together and that you want them to be happy. During this time, you may have to show that reassurance at inopportune times but try to follow through and be there whenever your kids need you in those moments so that they know that they can rely on you when they aren’t feeling as confident about life.

Strategy Number Two: Adopt that there are No Silly Questions

This should start at the beginning as well but let your kids know that there are no silly questions. During a divorce, it can be scary for kids, regardless of their age. For some kids, wanting to know what house their stuffed dinosaur will stay at is as important as knowing where they will be staying—and often it is the same question, just worded differently.

Kids need feel that it is safe to ask any question they have. Those questions help them process the separation and divorce and it helps them reduce the fear and stress they may be feeling.

Strategy Number Three: Encourage Open Communication

While communication between you and your ex-partner may be strained, and even non-existent, as you maneuver through divorce, it is important to let the kids communicate with their other parent. So in this matter, make sure that you encourage open communication. Tell the kids that they can call the other parent whenever they need to…or let them call you whenever they need to.

When kids have open communication, it helps put their stress at ease and can make the transition to two homes much easier. For instance, if your ex-partner always came in to say goodnight when you were together, them being allowed to phone their mom or dad at bedtime can help adjust to that parent not being there.

Having open communication for the kids help them stay connected with both of their parents and can encourage continued bonding with their parents. Both of these have been proven to help kids cope with separation and divorce better.

Strategy Number Four: Let Your Kids Be Kids

This is such an important strategy that often gets overlooked when dealing with the heartache and egos involved in divorce. Parents can be angry. Parents can be hurt. And it is these emotions that can end up with parents talking to their kids about their ex-partner as either a confidant or as a sounding board for their frustration.

And this is not something a kid should be. Parents need to keep their frustration to themselves and also find other adults to confide in about their emotions. Kids need their parents to be healthy and someone there for them, not the other way around.

Another way that you need to help your kids be kids is to never expect them to play the messenger in the divorce. If you need to let your ex-partner know something, call them, text, or send an email. Use a mediation app like 2houses.

When your kids are just kids, they can focus on that. It helps reduce their stress, guilt and allows them to cope and transition through the separation and divorce much easier than if they were suddenly thrust into adultlike roles.

Strategy Number Five: Keep Routines Normal

This is not always an easy strategy to implement because life changes a lot when you go from one house to two but it is important to try. Discuss routines with your ex-partner and decide on which routines are possible for you both to do at each home. Once you decide on them, stick to those arrangements. No matter what is happening, keep that routine consistent between houses.

When kids have familiar routines, they are happier and feel more secure. This is particularly important when they are going through the upheaval that divorce causes. The closer to normal life is for the kids, the better they can cope with divorce.

In the end, with the proper strategies, your child can cope with separation or divorce. And, when they are coping with it, they will be happier, do better in school and build confidence in knowing that while their family may have changed, they still have a support system that loves them. And when you have that, moving from one house to two houses is an easier transition.

Life changes significantly after separation or divorce and with that change comes a lot of emotions. In fact, for many people, the process of grieving—from anger to sadness to acceptance—can be a normal process of divorce. And with so much news on separation and divorce, many people are expecting that grieving process.

What they aren’t expecting, however, is the feeling of loneliness and isolation that can happen after separation or divorce. When that happens, they often feel like they have nowhere to turn to and they are experiencing something that no one else experiences.

But you aren’t alone.

In fact, the majority of couples going through separation or divorce feel a combination of loneliness and isolation after it. Let’s face it, you’ve gone from having a unit to not having that unit intact. The person that you spent most of your free time with is now doing their own thing without you.

That thought alone can be isolating in itself, but there are things that you can do to help cope with the loneliness and isolation you feel after separation or divorce.

Accept the Loneliness as Part of the Process

It can seem counterintuitive to just accept that loneliness but if you don’t accept it, it can be a lot harder to cope with or work through. When you understand that there will be times when you will feel lonely, you can start to identify when those moments are or what triggers those feelings.

And with knowing what those triggers are, you can start to cope with it and prepare things that help alleviate. Everyone alleviates loneliness in different ways so you need to find what works for you. It might be going out for drinks or dinner, calling a friend or family member, heading out for a walk in nature, or simply cuddling up with a book and your cat.

The thing is that it will pass once you learn how to cope with it and how to alleviate it. The best thing to understand is that loneliness will pass…it’s only temporary.

Tell Yourself It’s Okay to Be Alone

And this falls into the temporary. It’s okay to be alone. In today’s society, it may seem odd to be alone. We are always connected with people through social media, our phones, friends, family and so on. It is very unusual for people to be alone, but it is not unusual to feel lonely.

By telling yourself that it is okay to be alone, you can set up moments where you are alone, with your own thoughts. And you can focus on doing things that you love, alone. When you do, this can help prevent feelings of loneliness because you can begin to enjoy those moments alone. This is extremely helpful when your kids are out visiting their other parent and you are missing them.

Being alone can be wonderful and nurturing, but it’s important to go back to alleviating the loneliness if you start feeling it.

Take care of yourself

Another important tip to help combat loneliness is to really take care of yourself. Self care can help you in so many ways.

First, it can help empty your stress bucket. This means that you’ll be able to combat feelings of loneliness and isolation when they come up as opposed to if you never empty your stress bucket. Doing self care from doing a hobby you like to going out with friends to washing your hair will help empty that stress bucket for you.

Second, it can help you discover yourself and your likes and dislikes. This can really go a long way in coping with loneliness as you’ll feel a direction when you feel that loneliness. It can also help you get out.

Third, it will help you maintain your health. When you are healthy, you feel better and it can help you cope with negative emotions, such as loneliness and isolation a lot better.

Remind Yourself that This Won’t Last Forever

Divorce and separation are a season…they aren’t your lifetime. Life will change, you’ll meet new people, find a new life that is different from the one you had with your ex-partner. You will grow and enjoy your life.

Remind yourself that the hardest part, the divorce, is over. Now is the time for you to focus on yourself, your wants and pursue your dreams. Yes, you still have responsibilities with your kids, but you also don’t have the limits that might have been there with your ex-partner.

And all that hurt, loneliness and isolation that you are feeling right now will pass, I promise, and you’ll have so much to look forward to in the future.

This Process Will Take Time

Finally, be aware that coping with loneliness means accepting that it will take time to overcome. You have become used to there being two of you and now that there is just one, it can be a bit overwhelming at times. However, if you take the transition to divorced slowly and start exploring who you are, you will get there.

Eventually, the loneliness and hurt will be a lot less and you’ll be able to enjoy your time alone as much as you enjoy the time with your kids.

And that is something that you should really focus on, your kids. They need you, completely and they want you to be happy. Even when they aren’t there, you can look at pictures and videos of them and reaffirm that you aren’t alone…you have them and they have you and together, you’ll have a unique family with its own happiness.

No matter what, remember that even in those moments when you feel completely alone…you aren’t. Others are there for you. Others understand the loneliness and isolation from separation or divorce, and we are all rooting for your success.

When I was asked what the hardest thing about parenting was, I always answer, without hesitation, talking to my kids about the fact that their dad and I were getting divorced. At the time, my eldest child was fifteen and the youngest was eight with two others in between. They were old enough to understand the tension in the house between me and their dad, but they couldn’t understand why we couldn’t just solve it…after all…people who love each other fight but always forgive each other.

Setting that New Narrative

And there it was. How could we tell our kids that we no longer loved each other enough to forgive the hurt? And would that mean that the kids would wonder if we could stop loving them as well? After all, if we fell out of love once, why couldn’t we fall out of love a second time with them?

It was a harrowing experience but it really taught us exactly how to talk to our children both through the divorce and about the divorce. And these tips are excellent for any parent is faced with the question on how to talk to your children about separation and divorce.

First: Plan Ahead

The very first thing that you should do is plan ahead before you discuss your separation and divorce with your kids. The better prepared you are, the easier the process will be for your kids. Some things to plan are:

• What will be said to the kids about the divorce. It is important that you keep it age appropriate and also don’t just flood them with information.
• Where it will be done. I recommend that you choose a place where your kids are comfortable and where you won’t be interrupted. At home is often the best place.
• When you will discuss it. It is important to set up a suitable time where it is calm and where you don’t have to rush off to an event or something so that the kids can have time to process what has been said.
• Supports for your kids. Finally, have some supports ready for your kids. Things or people who comfort them and are in your inner circle, such as grandparents. Don’t invite anyone who would cause further tension but sometimes kids need someone other than their parents to go to after hearing the news. Don’t be offended if they are do, simply support them.

Planning for this all in advance will help things go smoother than simply springing it on them immediately after the decision to separate has been made.

Second: Decide Who is Going to Talk

This is really important and it really depends on how well you can both be together. For your children’s sake, if you cannot be in the same room without fighting, don’t try to tell them together. Simply agree on what will be said and then one partner can give the news. You can also do a second talk with them so that both parents can confirm the same thing. It is particularly important to not go off script during this conversation so that you are both saying the same thing and not putting your relationship stressors on your children.

If you are able to discuss things together, sit down and decide who will do the majority of the talking and who will be answering the majority of the questions. This helps keep the conversation calm and to give the kids as little stress as possible.

Third: Reaffirm Your Dedication to Your Kids

Reaffirm, reaffirm and reaffirm that you are dedicated to your kids and so is your ex-partner. This is important because kids can often worry about whether their parents will be there for them or if they are the reason for the divorce and so on. When you reaffirm your kids of your dedication, love and feelings, you are supporting them emotionally, which is so important when talking to your kids about your divorce.

At the end of telling them, the most important thing that they feel and understand is that your and your ex-partner’s feelings for them will never change.

Fourth: Answer their Questions

When you tell your kids, they are going to have a lot of questions and that is perfectly normal. Some will be expected, such as, “Was it something I did?” and some will be completely surprising. I remember my youngest asked me if we’d be able to take the garden stones he’d painted that summer. Something that I didn’t even think was important was a cherished moment where our whole family painted stones and he didn’t want them lost.

Don’t scoff at any question your child asks because there really is no stupid question. Kids think on different levels than we do and things that we don’t think are important could be incredibly important to them. Just answer them as best you can and if you don’t know the answer, tell them and say you’ll figure it out together.

Fifth: Be Clear About What This Means

Finally, be clear about what this news mean. If they ask if you will get back together, don’t lead them on with false promises or non-committal answers. Simply answer truthfully that no, you aren’t going to get back together and this is the new way things are going to be.

Also make sure that you are clear about what will be happening with them. Who they will be living with and how you will be looking at visitations. You don’t have to have it all ironed out and you can invite the kids to share their feedback once they have time to process the news.

Always make sure that you finish the discussion on how much you and your ex-partner love them and how that will never change. That reassurance is really key to helping kids process as they can really get caught up in that fear that they’ll be unloved now that you and your partner are separated.

By outlining things and being clear, you can help set expectations and prevent further confusion, which is very important in ensuring their well-being.

Telling your kids is going to be one of the hardest things that you do but if you do it lovingly, being aware of their feelings and centering it on the needs of the kids, you can get through the news and start building a new life as co-parents to your children. It may take time to find your new normal but coming from a positive first step, your kids may find that new normal even better than the tension filled one they left behind.