Category: Communication

This matter of divorce does not require much of an introduction because nowadays, this matter is getting very common and, people are getting familiar with it. Divorce usually refers to the end of a messed up or a painful marriage by any legal process. As time is passing, this matter is getting extremely common in society. The majority of people have experienced this issue through themselves, as a partner or children, or through knowing someone who has gone through it as a spouse or as children. And as common as this matter seems, it does bring many problems and create dilemmas both physically and mentally in families and children.

When some parents are taking a divorce, it is equally necessary for them to think about their children’s physical and mental health because it can affect them in various ways. And, before separation, they should discuss this matter with their children in detail and make sure that they are picking a suitable time in which both of them are together, so that it may show that they have made the decision together. Moreover, they should consider choosing a time in which children are relaxed to talk and ask questions because the children must be well aware of the circumstances of what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. Also, they should try to be a little nicer with children if they are getting divorced, for instance, bring a dog or cat for children, buy a dog house, place it on the lawn, and let kids spend time with a pet so they won’t overthink about this matter. Because it can affect their mental health and being a parent, they should care about it.

There are some laws of divorce but, before that court requires a legal reason for the divorce. Some of the reasons why divorce happens are usually because of a lack of communication and commitment, financial issues, lack of intimacy, abusive and violent behavior and, so and so forth.

So here are few things which children should know before parents divorce or few things which parents can clarify to their children before divorce:

1. Children should know the reason behind divorce:

The first and foremost point is that children should be well aware of the reason for divorce. They must know that they are not responsible for it, and their parents have tried their level best to maintain the relationship for their sake still, they are not competent to stay together and, splitting is the only option. They must know that they are not responsible; otherwise, they will feel unnecessary guilt and embarrassment about their parent’s divorce that will affect their health in various ways. So, parents must make it very clear to their children that they did not cause the divorce.

2. Divorce is not between parent and child:

The second important thing which children should know about divorce is that parents do not divorce their children. Parents should clarify to their kids that separation or divorce is for grown-ups and not between parents and their children. Because sometimes, some children whose parents are getting a divorce start to think that their parents are about to abandon them and their relationship with their parents will end after divorce, but that is not true. Moreover, parents should provide awareness to their kids so that they may not develop these negative thoughts.  And, also they should know that even if their parents are living in separate homes, they will still be their parents and will love them as they have always done.

3. Change in everyday routine:

The third important thing which parents must tell their children and, to help them through is that children don’t mix up their everyday routine with divorce. Otherwise, this will affect other aspects of their lives. They should know that even if they had to switch homes, they should also maintain their school, dinner, and other routines.

4. Emotional support:

The fourth important thing which children should know before parents divorce is that whatever the circumstances are, their parents will always love them, and they are always there for them. Because most of the time, parents are so involved in the issue of divorce that they forget about their children’s physical and mental health. Children must be well aware that even if the parents are separated, their love and care for their kids will not change. And it’s okay for them to love both of their parents. Because at the time of divorce, kids often become more sensitive, and they need their parent’s attention more than ever. And they should know that with time everything will get better.

5. Child’s custody:

The fifth step is sufficient for both parents and children. Before-after a divorce, both parents want to or try to gain their children’s custody which isn’t the right way. If the children are young and sensible enough then, they must be equally aware of the rules and laws after divorce. And they should be given authority to stay connected with both of the parents even after separation. Children must know these details before the divorce. So, they may not get disheartened because they love both the parents equally and, it’s hard for them to choose one parent over the other.

Children can develop intense anxiety or insecurities when they are in traumatic or stressful situations. such as: 

• Living in a high conflict environment (e.g., parents frequently fighting, yelling, etc.)
• Loss of daily contact with a parent (e.g., one parent moves out)
• Having to quickly adjust to a new life-style (e.g., child quickly moves out of home) 

When these instances happen, kids may become withdrawn to shut out the unpleasant situations or to hide the feelings they experience. Some children may feel shame or feel as though they are at fault. These feelings can become bottled up inside, leading to further withdrawal or anxiety. The feelings may be overwhelming and the child may be unsure what to do or how to express them. 

A child may decline to interact with the parent who has moved out. They may not talk to other family members, withdraw from their friends etc. Children adopt coping mechanisms such as withdrawal for protection from rejection and feelings of inadequacy. 

Developing language problems can follow when children withdraw, hide, keep their feelings in, or decline to interact with others. 

Developing Speech and Language Problems Also Depends on Other Factors

In addition to the parental situation, a child’s age, gender, socioeconomic status, and the number of siblings they have can also impact language development. 

Additionally, while research suggests that divorce or separation can affect a child’s language skills, the extent depends on various other factors.For instance, talking to your children openly about the changing family situation and welcoming questions takes away some fear and anxiety. But, even an explained absence of a parent can be very stressful for a small child, possibly causing  them to shut down. 

Parents Will Want to Handle the Separation Carefully

Although it is hard to work through your disagreements in the early days of the separation, you want to protect your kids and create an atmosphere of love and support. Easing the children gently into the new family lifestyle helps. As an example you may need to tell them that now daddy will be driving them to school or taking them to doctors’ appointments. Or they may need to know that they will be  spending every other week with each parent. It is helpful if everyday activities like reading to the kids at bedtime maintain normalcy and security. Research indicates that children benefit from consistency in their daily lives. 

Both Parents Should Contribute to Supporting Children’s Development

During or after separation, both parents need to be supportive to the child and be on the look out for any delays which may suggest the need for an evaluation:

Children should be developing the following skills between ages two and three:

• stringing two to three words into sentences 
• learning to say their first name
• identifying themselves with the word “I”
• dressing up
• jumping in one place
• learning to write by drawing vertical lines and circles
• coloring

If you notice delays, please schedule an evaluation to have your child’s needs assessed. If you are in the United States you can request an evaluation at your child’s school, early intervention office, or at a private clinician’s office such as a developmental pediatrician, speech-language pathologist, child psychologist, neurologist, etc.   

Focus on Balancing Living in Two Homes

Therapy can be more challenging when kids are spending time between two households. Parents can help by making an effort to coordinate sessions and keep each other updated about the child’s progress. Parents can use a shared platform where they can communicate with the therapist to get instructions on how to practice sounds and continue with any other exercises. Considering that speech therapy works best with repetition, both parents should stay informed about the sessions. 

The effects of parental separation do not need to get in the way of your child’s cognitive development or language abilities. Parents should offer love and support and focus on raising children responsibly, even if they’re growing up in two different households. 

This article was written in collaboration with Better Speech. Better Speech has helped thousands of children and families. They are committed to providing affordable, convenient, and effective online speech therapy for kids and adults. Their clients are matched with the best therapist for their needs and get affordable therapy at the comfort of their home, when it’s convenient for them (even on weekends or evenings). 

Relationships aren’t built overnight. All lovers create a story filled with moments that once had so much meaning. But not all relationships last. 

And once they’re over, sometimes the thought of your ex makes you angry, but sometimes you mourn the loss of your lover. 

This powerplay of emotions is worse if you and your ex have a child together. As co-parents, the two of you are bound together—whether you like it or not.

The fall of a relationship is painful and sad. When there are children in the mix, the situation can become even more emotional, even volatile. 

So, how do you move on from heartbreak and effectively co-parent with an ex?

Keep reading for some tips on managing the conflict and pain associated with a break-up so you can be the best parent to your child.

Take Time to Heal

While some people break up amicably, no break-up is ever mutual. Someone will always be more hurt than the other, even if the decision to end the relationship was a logical one.

If you’re hurting from a breakup, it might feel impossible to raise a child with the one person in the world who loves your child as much as you do. 

It’s essential that you take time to heal.

Usually, a breakup requires space. Taking time away from each other, letting the metaphorical scrapes and cuts heal will slowly make your relationship better. 

You must be okay with lessened contact and communication—aside from the conversations regarding your child. The awkwardness will pass, even if there are negative feelings in the meantime.

You should be kind and supportive to your ex, but it’s acceptable to not be best friends. It doesn’t mean you won’t get there in the future.

What Does Effective Co-Parenting Look Like?

In a healthy co-parenting situation, both parents are involved in the child’s day-to-day life. Co-parents communicate effectively and share the responsibilities of parenting—including the financial, logistical, and emotional ones.

To be a good co-parent, you must communicate respectfully when hurdles come up and work together in the best interest of your child.

In most healthy co-parenting relationships, parents allow each other to express their own parenting style when they are with their child.

Co-parenting doesn’t have a definition—it’s more of a lifestyle. It’s communicating and collaborating with your ex in a way that is peaceful, respectful, fair, and with your child’s wellbeing in mind.

Boundaries Are Essential

It’s common for people to change after a separation. When you are forced to move on from a relationship, you have to unlearn your former partner.

Things that used to be your business aren’t anymore. You don’t have the right to ask personal questions, and you’re not entitled to the answers to the personal questions you do ask.

In the beginning, it’s best to limit any conversation to those about your child. As time goes on and you share endearing or funny stories about your child, you will naturally begin to feel like friends again. Just don’t expect this to come immediately.

Your former spouse doesn’t need to know if you’re going on a date or if you’ve got a new hair cut. They don’t need to know anything that doesn’t pertain to your child, and neither do you. 

Put simply, you’re entitled to your privacy. And so is your ex. Try hard not to blur the lines with your ex. Parenting alone is hard, especially when you’re hurting, but it’s essential to move on and be separate people. 

Remember That You’re Family

Maybe it doesn’t sound ideal right now, but like it or not, your former spouse will always be family. 

Because you have a child between the two of you, you need to embrace them as family, as well as any new partners that come into the picture. If you can, be friendly and respectful to their new partner. 

At the end of the day, you want your child to look around and be surrounded by people who only want to see them succeed. So, settle in. Do what you can to be together around your child. If the wounds aren’t too fresh, schedule family nights—play games, take walks, keep it light—and make it consistent.

Communicate as a Team

While it might be hard to have conversations with your ex after a difficult breakup, try to take the emotion out of the conversation. Disagreements will arise, and it’s vital to keep heated moments behind closed doors and away from your child. 

If you know you’re going to have a difficult conversation, schedule it in advance and meet at a neutral location. 

And if a conversation can’t wait, only communicate in front of your kids if you can do it wisely. If you’re capable of working things out amicably, it can be good for your child to see you working through a disagreement together. 

Above all, remember never to get personal and be respectful to one another. 

Be Flexible and Accessible

Again and again, you will hear that consistency is key. It’s true, you should strive to make your child feel stable during shaky times. However, you should also be flexible. 

When you request a change to the schedule, give your ex the benefit of the doubt when it comes to forgiveness and scheduling. This means you should switch days when necessary, welcome your ex to family events, and invite them to your child’s important events—even if it hurts to do so.

Always make an effort to stick to the schedule, but be open to change, especially if it’s easy to accommodate. Don’t deny your ex time just to be difficult because one day you might need their kindness in the same situation.

You should also try to be available to your ex, even if your instinct tells you to ignore their attempts at conversation. Don’t inconvenience yourself to take their call every time if you’re not available, but pick up the phone when you can. 

Your child will appreciate seeing the two of you communicating efficiently, respectfully, and kindly. 

Navigate Conversations With Your Child Carefully

It’s absolutely essential that parents don’t speak ill—or allow a third-party to speak negatively—about each other. It’s easy to get nasty and want to get even by insulting your ex behind their back, but the consequences to your child are potentially huge.

Each time you speak negatively around your child about someone else, you’re setting an example for them. You might also be making them feel insecure, as many children see themselves as a blend of their parents. If you and your ex openly hate each other, it drains your child’s self-worth.

When parenting alone, it can be tempting to talk to your children as if you’re friends—discussing adult topics such as parenting plans and money, and throwing ideas at the wall with them. While you should give your children room to make decisions, their freedom to choose should be limited. 

Let your child pick out their clothes, but don’t let them make big decisions such as where they will live and when. Giving a child too much power actually has a negative effect on them—they can begin to feel guilty or anxious. 

Find a Support Network

When tensions are running high while co-parenting, it’s vital to have a support network to help you navigate difficult times. 

Confide in a friend who can help you see both sides clearly, seek out the advice of a trusted religious leader, or join a supportive Facebook group. 

Whatever is happening in your life, you’re not alone, and you might find comfort in talking to others who are in the same situation.

Use Tech to Your Advantage

Co-parenting and technology go hand-in-hand. When raising kids in two households, technology keeps things easy and interesting. 

For example, you can set up a digital diary for your ex and you to share. Write notes about cute things your child does or funny things they say. Add photos and thoughts from two different perspectives—you can even add voice messages or videos. The possibilities are endless.

You can also take advantage of video-call apps such as Skype, Hangout, and FaceTime. These apps are useful in long-distance co-parenting situations. The long-distance parent can be a part of your child’s daily life. Call them during bedtime or during trips to school in the car.

As your child observes you having conversations about everyday life with your ex, this will ensure him or her that you’re on the same team. They don’t need to know how complicated it is to co-parent—just show them that you’re trying. 

Finally, try installing a co-parenting app that allows you and your ex to coordinate calendars, expenses, schedule switches, and more. By getting organized and staying on top of medical records, child-related finances, and more, you’ll always know what’s around the corner. You’ll be more confident in conversations with your ex if there is a disagreement. 

Get a Co-Parenting Agreement

If you find that you’re having trouble communicating with your ex, try asking an attorney to draft a co-parenting or custody plan. You can also draft one yourself if you feel comfortable doing so. 

Then, you can keep this document between the two of you or file it with the court system. It’s a plan that serves as a friendly reminder that you have promised each other to raise your child in a way that benefits them the most. 

A co-parenting agreement serves as a contract that addresses how both parents should behave toward each other and their children. This is in an effort to raise healthy, happy kids.

What’s Addressed in a Co-Parenting Plan?

If you’re filing for custody, the court may ask for a plan that includes an agreement upon the following issues:

• Regular time-sharing schedule
• Holiday and summer time-sharing schedules
• Child support
• Payment of child care and extracurricular activities
• Payment of children’s health insurance and medical expenses
• Restrictions on how far the parents can live from one another
• Keeping each parent informed about important issues affecting the child
• Sharing decisions about religious education

You can tweak a co-parenting plan to include other issues, such as:

• Access to other relatives
• Rights of first refusal
• Use of a shared calendar or co-parenting app
• Transportation costs
• Meeting locations
• Co-parenting communication (i.e. the number of hours each parent has to respond to communication)
• Time-sharing for life events

If you’re wondering whether something is important to include, you should probably include it. Add anything else you and your ex typically argue about so that it’s clear and in writing to refer to when emotions run high.

Co-Parenting With Feelings Is Possible

At one point in time, you and your ex loved each other enough to have a child together. Sometimes things don’t work out between people, and while that’s unfortunate, it shouldn’t be the end of the world for your child. 

You must embrace the fact that you’re separated and have to maintain a relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You are bound together forever through the child you made together.

Learn how to let go and be a responsible co-parent so that you can raise a happy child.

2houses is an app that can help you improve your family life by offering various tools and services related to co-parenting success. You can manage shared expenses, use a shared interface to send secure messages, log medical information, and more.

If you need help navigating your co-parenting relationship with your ex, consider downloading 2houses and using it as a hub for all things co-parenting.

If you’ve just made the decision to go your separate ways or are currently in the middle of a divorce, being friends with your ex might seem like an impossible task. But studies have shown that co-parents who are able to go beyond basic civility and have open, friendly relationships can make the entire process of divorce and everything that comes after easier on their children. However, this doesn’t mean that learning how to be friends with your ex is easy or something you just naturally know how to do. In this article, we give some tips and strategies on how to set up a friendly relationship from the beginning to help make your co-parenting journey more positive.

Remember Where You’ve Been

When you’re trying to move forward, it’s important to look toward the future, but that doesn’t mean forgetting all about the past as well. One thing that can help you create a more positive friendship with your ex is to consider all of the good things that came out of the relationship. Your children are the biggest thing, but there are likely also others, such as friends that your ex introduced you to or memories of trips or experiences that had a positive effect on your life. 

It can also be helpful to think about what you liked about the other person to begin with. Maybe you loved his sense of humor or you really appreciated the way she was able to look at situations objectively and problem-solve. Keeping these things front of mind when dealing with the other parent can help you remember that this person is more than just an ex and does have qualities that can be positive and helpful in the co-parenting relationship. 

Acknowledge the Grief

While the end of your relationship may have been the best thing for both of you and the children, it’s still a loss, and it’s important to acknowledge that. Nobody likes to feel the sadness, hurt and uncertainty that comes with the end of a relationship, but trying to gloss over it and pretend that everything is OK isn’t healthy and is likely to end up causing problems down the road when all of those pushed-aside feelings finally resurface. 

To truly be friends with your ex, you need to have grieved the end of your romantic relationship so that you can honestly wish them well — even when new significant others come into the picture. It’s important to understand that this takes time, and the longer you were in the relationship, the longer it usually takes to go through the full grieving process. This doesn’t mean that you have to sit and watch sappy movies for weeks on end, but you should focus on being honest with yourself about how you feel, what went wrong, what you’re learning from the experience and how it’s helping you grow moving forward. It can also be helpful to talk to a counselor or other trusted advisor to get an outside perspective. Also, remember that the grieving process isn’t linear. You may feel fine after a couple of months only to be hit by another round a few weeks later. And that’s OK. Just focus on being kind to yourself and open and honest about where you’re at with your feelings to ensure you aren’t ignoring issues or emotions that need to be dealt with.

Define the Boundaries

Boundaries are important in any relationship but especially so when you are trying to turn what was a romantic relationship into a friendship moving forward. Boundaries ensure everyone is on the same page with what your goals are as co-parents and what you want to be able to accomplish together during this season of life focused on your children. Defining these boundaries is the first step. It can also help you make sure that both parties are at a place where they are able to move forward as friends. If one party still has feelings for the other or is still harboring a lot of anger or bitterness over the breakup, it can make a friendship very difficult. 

Consider having a meeting with your ex over coffee so you can discuss your future as co-parents. You might use some of the following points to start off:

• What decisions should we make together?
• What issues are we OK with one person making an executive decision?
• How will we communicate about schedules and issues relating to the children?
• When do you think it’s appropriate to introduce the children to a new significant other?
• If one of us remarries, how will that affect our co-parenting relationship?
• How do you see us celebrating holidays, birthdays and other special events?

It’s important to be honest during these conversations and to leave the door open for future meetings as things progress and the children get older. You may find that something that worked for a while isn’t now and you need to reassess.

Remember that your friendship with your ex doesn’t have to look like someone else’s. Maybe your best friend only talks to her ex when necessary and just waves at pickups and drop-offs, but you would like to go on family vacations together or celebrate holidays as a family. Whatever works for both of you is all that matters. 

Keep Communicating

Once you have had a conversation and have a good idea of what you want things to look like moving forward, it’s important to continue to work on keeping those lines of communication open. You may find that things you thought were going to be OK — like having joint birthday parties — don’t actually work in practice, and it’s perfectly normal for some things to be re-evaluated. You may also find that your co-parenting relationship needs to adapt as the kids get older and start getting more involved in their own lives or have more input into decisions. 

Some families find that scheduling regular check-in style meetings works for them to ensure any issues that come up are dealt with early on instead of pushed to the side and allowed to fester into major problems. Others prefer to just communicate regularly through messages like the tools built in to the 2houses app and address things as they come up. It may take some trial and error to find a system that works for your specific situation.

Don’t Forget the Kids

While it’s always a positive thing for parents to work on their relationship as friends, you’ll need to be aware of how it may look to your children. Divorce is difficult for children no matter the circumstances, and many kids fantasize about the parents getting back together. It’s easy for children to mistake your efforts to get along as friends and put the past behind you as evidence that you are patching things up and might be able to rekindle the romantic relationship. 

While you may not be able to get your children to give up the fantasy of their parents together entirely, letting them know that the two of you are going to be working on your friendship and trying to be more positive in your relationship can help frame things better. For example, if you are planning a family vacation together, you might let your children know that you’ve decided to go on vacation together to save money, but that you’ll have separate rooms. 

Being honest with your children and ensuring that they feel comfortable coming to you with questions or concerns can also help. Consider the following example: You start dating and find someone where things are progressing enough to introduce them to the children. You do, but your child is instantly negative and starts yelling and crying and throwing a tantrum. It may be that this new person arriving on the scene seems like a threat to that fantasy of the parents getting back together. If your child is able to discuss this with you openly and honestly, you can deal with it head on and explain that while you understand why they would like that, it just isn’t going to happen and focusing on the future is the best course of action.

Creating a friendship with your ex can be a very positive and rewarding experience, but it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s important to be realistic in your expectations — and the timeline for them to happen — and remember that it’s going to be hard work at times. However, that work is almost always worth it when it comes to the positive effect it can have on your children and how they weather separation and divorce. 
To find out more about how you can make the co-parenting journey easy, check out all the features 2houses has to offer and our blog on topics specifically for divorced parents.