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Life after Divorce: Tips for Moving into Your New Home

Life after divorce

Moving houses is never easy, especially if it happens after a divorce. While you’re still dealing with the pain of the breakup, it’s hard to focus on the move. And once you look at your new place, it can be hard to imagine it as your new home. However, there are ways you can make this unpleasant process easier on yourself and your kids if they are in the mix. If you focus on a few simple tasks, you can turn your empty house into a peaceful and loving home for your new family.

Purge your possessions

You don’t have to keep all the things you’ve got in the divorce. In order to make this new place your home, you will need to purge and declutter. For instance, you can ditch the wedding albums, leave that ugly couch you’ve always hated on the curb and sell your marital bed on the internet. The objects we own carry strong emotional associations with them, so you might want to start fresh with a few important items. While you need to be practical with new purchases, some items need to go. If you need a coffee table, but you own the one you and your ex bought on your honeymoon to Bali, it will need to be replaced.

Be fast and decisive

No matter if this house is yours forever or just a temporary rental, you can’t live out of boxes and feel at home. You shouldn’t be scared to spend money and time to quickly unpack and get your place functional and comfortable. Throw on a fresh coat of paint, buy a new washing machine and set up your internet and cable—these will make your life easier and nicer. Also, taking action when it comes to your new place will give you a purpose and get rid of any insecurity in your life.

Prioritize safety

Every time you move into a new place, you need to check if it’s safe and secure for you and your kids. Inspect the house and remove any hazards that can cause trips, slips and bumps, and provide baby gates on stairs. Also, make sure all your locks are new and you have at least some semblance of a security system in place (camera doorbell or alarm system)—this is especially important in case your divorce was ugly and there’s some bad blood between you and your ex. And make sure your new place is insured.  Only move in after you set up your home and contents insurance that will offer coverage for storms, fire, earthquake, flood, escaping water, as well as explosions, riots and theft. Get insurance quotes early, so you can move into a fully insured house that is safe for you and your loved ones.

Let kids set up their bedrooms

If you have kids, you’re probably worried about how they will handle the divorce, but if you quickly provide them with stability, they will adapt to change. They also need to have a little bit of independence, since there are so many things that are out of their control. Giving them ownership of their rooms can be very beneficial. Let them choose the furniture, color, window treatment and give them the responsibility of keeping their bedrooms clean and tidy.

Decorate according to your tastes

You probably have a bunch of mementos of your old life before marriage tucked away somewhere. Well, this is the perfect time for them to come out and serve as decoration in your new house. Place them somewhere visible so they can cheer you up quickly and easily. Decorating is also a perfect opportunity to create some new memories with your kids. When you catch a free afternoon, you can start a project and work on it together to beautify your new house.

You can also surround yourself with pictures of your loved ones. You might not want to completely forget about your married life, but it’s important to document the state of your family today. Fill the space with photos of you and your kids, friends and family members—this will remind you what you accomplished and encourage you to continue making amazing memories.

Don’t neglect nature

No matter where you live, in the city or suburbs, three things can instantly lift your mood: fresh air, greenery and animals. If you can’t get a pet, you can always go to a shelter and give some love to those in need. In general, contact with nature boosts mood, lowers stress and blood pressure and raises serotonin levels. If you have the space, set up a little garden to serve as your haven. Tending to a garden after a divorce can be a very healing experience.

Every divorce is different and everyone takes it differently, but one is for sure—in your new house, you will find peace and happiness. And if you follow our tips, your new house will turn into a home in a blink of an eye. 

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Co-parenting Arrangement Without Going Through the Courts?

Co-parenting arrangement

It’s not always easy figuring out how a co-parenting arrangement might work. The good news is that establishing a co-parenting arrangement doesn’t always require going through the courts. An amicable, voluntary agreement can help save time and money for parents who want joint custody of their children.

Here, we’ll discuss various ways to make co-parenting agreements without going through the courts. We’ll also answer some common questions about co-parenting.

To learn more about co-parenting arrangements without going through the courts, keep reading.

Getting Started With Negotiating

You may want a better way to reach a custody agreement. It might surprise you to learn that the best custody agreements have been drafted outside of a courtroom.

These kinds of arrangements involve mutual agreements between two parties. Sometimes, a neutral third-party may help.

In this way, former couples can create a reasonable custody agreement in an open and mature manner. These kinds of agreements are usually acceptable to the courts.

Making a Co-Parenting Arrangement

You may have an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse or partner. If so, you might find that it’s possible to create a written agreement regarding the care of your child. For instance, one parent may have partial custody, and the other would have visitation rights.

Still, the two of you will need to make decisions. For instance, you’ll need to figure out where your child will spend their birthday. You’ll also need to figure out where your child will spend special holidays and other important family events.

There are three ways that you might go about this task. These methods include.

• Alternative dispute resolution
• Mediation
• Collaborative law

Let’s have a closer look at these practices.

Getting Help With Negotiations

Even though the two of you are agreeing to agree, you may still need to conduct an informal negotiation. Negotiation would involve you, your former spouse, and possibly another party.

This kind of negotiation is called alternative dispute resolution (ARD). It’s a relatively new concept.

ARD is used for a variety of processes. It enables parties to settle disputes out of court and bypass lengthy trials.

A Better Way to Resolve Conflicts

The ADR process is less adversarial. It also takes place in a setting that’s more casual than a court. Still, there are other benefits to alternative dispute resolution.

For example, there’s a lesser degree of conflict between parties during ADR. Also, couples that participate in ADR seem more willing to work together to resolve issues. Furthermore, ADR proceedings don’t become a part of the public record.

Navigating Custody

Some separating couples also resolve conflicts using an informal settlement negotiation process. This process is called mediation.

Again, the emphasis here is on non-adversarial conflict resolution. In this process, a mediator will meet with you and your former spouse. The mediator will help you to settle any disputes.

The mediation process can help you and your former spouse to avoid hostile, stress-filled litigation. It will also spare you and your child from the trauma of a custody dispute.

What to Expect

A mediator will not impose a solution for a dispute. Instead, they will aid you as parents. The mediator will help the two of you come to an agreement.

Some states do ask mediators to make recommendations. However, they only usually do so when the parties involved in mediation cannot reach an agreement.

Also, some states encourage mediation over child custody litigation. In these states, legislators view mediation as a better method for establishing child custody and visitation compared to litigation.

The Benefits of Mediation

Mediation offers several benefits. Firstly, it doesn’t require the expense of hiring a lawyer. There’s also no need for the courts to call expert witnesses during mediation.

Couples usually resolve mediation matters after five to ten hours of negotiation. These negotiations may take place over a period of one to two weeks.

Mediation, rather than litigation, enhances communication between parents. In other words, it’s more likely that divorced parents who’ve taken part in mediation will continue to cooperate. This outcome is very beneficial for raising emotionally healthy children.

The Mediation Process

There are several steps involved in the mediation process. First, you’ll need to meet with the mediator for the first time.

During the initial meeting, the mediator will identify and categorize any issues. After identifying any issues, the mediator can help you and your ex-partner discuss solutions.

During the discussion, your mediator will encourage both of you to maintain a give and take attitude. Once you’ve come to an agreement, the mediator will help to prepare your custody agreement.

The amount of time that it takes you to complete mediation will vary depending on a few things. For instance, mediation will take longer or shorter depending on the number of custody issues that arise.

The length of the mediation will also vary based on the complexity of your issues. Finally, your commitment to a successful agreement will also affect how long the full mediation process takes.

A New Kind of Family Law

Another kind of negotiation falls under a relatively new and emerging legal process. The process is called collaborative law. In many cases, parents find that collaborative law is very useful.

Collaborative law practices help to reduce legal costs. They also help to reduce animosity between involved parties.

These kinds of benefits are important when trying to achieve a child custody agreement. During a collaborative law process, the primary focus is an absolute commitment to coming to an agreement.

Understanding Collaborative Family Law

During a collaborative law process, two lawyers negotiate in a room alongside the parents. The lawyers work together to help guide parents in the same direction. The goal here is to resolve any issues and disputes.

Collaborative law is different from alternative dispute resolution and mediation. With this process, there’s no neutral third-party involved in the process.

Accordingly, you may have decisions to make as the collaborative law process moves forward. For instance, you may choose to hire a lawyer or an expert to help with accounting issues. You might also need to hire other professionals to help with asset valuation or any other important issues that may arise.

Settling on an Agreement

If you’re entertaining entering a parenting agreement, you’re most likely separating from a former partner or spouse. If a child is involved in the separation, it’s important that you create a parenting agreement.

Challenging times may have led to the separation. Nevertheless, you must focus on putting the needs of your child first.

In other words, you’ll need to do everything that you can to come to a mutual agreement about custody and visitation issues. Coming to an agreement is a much better alternative compared to leaving it to a judge to decide what’s best for your family.

Why Make a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan is a written agreement. It will help set a precedent for a successful post-separation relationship.

The making of your parenting plan is an opportunity for you and your ex-partner to talk about important issues. It will help the two of you examine things that may come up during your child’s lifetime.

For example, a parenting agreement might include the terms of the parenting schedule. It might also highlight each parent’s shared expenses and responsibilities for raising the child.

Finding a Parenting Plan that Works

There’s no pre-made parenting plan that will work for every family. What works for one family may not work for another.

Some parents will prefer a split custody parenting plan. This kind of plan provides for frequent and continuous contact with each parent about 50% of the time.

Other parents may prefer a plan where one parent has limited contact. For example, a separating couple may prefer an arrangement where one parent has the child every other weekend plus a midweek.

Alternatively, the parenting plan could make provisions for an occasional overnight visit. These kinds of points are something that only you and your former partner can decide.

Managing Parenting Plan Changes

A question often comes up after parents create a parenting plan. The parents have done the challenging work of working together to create a parenting agreement.

However, eventually, they realize that things could change over time. Now, they’re left wondering what they’ll do when the terms of the current parenting agreement are no longer ideal.

It’s possible to make changes to a parenting agreement. After finalizing a parenting agreement, most couples don’t want to revisit the experience of returning to court, and this is understandable.

However, there’s something that you need to understand in this regard. It’s possible that a dispute could arise in the future.

If this happens, the courts will decide based on the last legal parenting agreement, no matter how long the two of you have used a verbally agreed-on plan.

Parenting Plan Points to Consider

As you develop your parenting plan, you and your ex will need to consider a few important things. Of course, you’ll need to consider your custody agreement. Here, you’ll need to come up with a plan that works for both you and your child.

Separating parents make many different kinds of custody arrangements. For example, separated parents could continue to live near each other. In this case, a shared parenting schedule with equal time with their child may work well.

What’s important here is to come up with a plan where everyone agrees. Your custody plan must be palatable for everyone involved.

With this in mind, you’ll also want to get input from your child. If they’re of a suitable age, their feelings about the situation should weigh in your decision.

Choosing Living Arrangements

Often, children prefer a flexible living arrangement. In other words, they want the ability to transition between households as desired. When parents separate, kids often want to go from household to household on their schedule, not that of their parents.

Here, it’s important to remember that kids want to know their parents care about them. They also want to know that both parents will continue to be a part of their everyday life. It’s vital to provide this benefit for your children with few interruptions and stresses.

Visitation

In some instances, you may find that you’re geographically separated after a divorce or separation. In that case, you may need to choose a primary residence for your child during the week and school year. They’ll then usually visit with the other parent on weekends, holidays, and summer.

In this scenario, your parenting plan should include where and when you’ll exchange your child. It should also include how the two of you will make decisions about where your child will stay during an emergency.

Your parenting plan might also address the visitation percentage of the non-custodial parent. For instance, couples usually agree that the non-custodial parent will have about 20% of the total parenting time.

Education

You’ll also need to come to an agreement about your child’s education. It can prove very disruptive for a child to change schools mid-year. With this in mind, you’ll want to achieve continuity and stability for your child.

For example, you might agree not to change school arrangements until the end of the school year. You’ll also need to work out how you’ll both contribute to school expenses.

Again, this kind of problem might arise for parents who live in geographically separate areas. You may find that your child wants to change the living arrangement and move with the other parent.

In that case, they’ll also need to attend a new school. You’ll need to consider this as you draft your parenting arrangement.

Also, don’t overlook the time your child needs to study and do their homework. In addition, both parents should be prepared to help with assignments when needed.

Finalizing a Parenting Plan

The courts must approve your final parenting plan. Until the courts approve the plan, it has no legal standing.

This part of the process begins with a judge reviewing your parenting plan. The primary concern of the judge is that your plan meets the best interests of your child.

In this regard, the Family Court must accept your parenting plan. If they do, the parenting plan becomes a court order. In other words, you must legally abide by all terms of the parenting plan.

A Tool That Makes Co-parenting Easier

Hopefully, our brief overview has helped you see the benefits of a co-parenting arrangement. Coming to an agreement is just the first step in successfully raising a child after separation.

You’ll also need to keep track of many things as you raise your child. 2Houses can help.

2Houses can help you with co-parent scheduling, communication, financial tracking, and more. Give our 14-day free trial a try to learn how.

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5 Tips for Handling High-Conflict Coparenting

High conflict coparenting

Relationships usually don’t end peacefully, and it’s normal for couples with children to have tried everything they could to stay together. This means that by the time you get through a breakup or divorce with your children’s other parent, it can be difficult to transition into peaceful coparenting. In many cases, tensions ease over time and as everyone adjusts to the new normal, but sometimes, it can be very difficult to move forward and the parties get stuck in an ongoing cycle of conflict. The latter situations are often referred to as high-conflict cases.

Before we jump into our tips for handling high-conflict coparenting, it’s a good idea to first define what we’re talking about. Every person who is trying to coparent is bound to have communication challenges or find that what they want doesn’t line up with what the other parent thinks is best. That’s just normal coparenting. It takes compromise and lots of communication as well as both parents being focused on the needs and well-being of the children.

 In high-conflict coparenting, however, the majority of the interactions between the parents are contentious and there is little to no compromise on at least one person’s part. These aren’t just simple disagreements that crop up from time to time. It’s an ongoing pattern of conflict, with at least one party refusing to cooperate and actually coparent together. So, what do you do in those situations? Check out our tips below.

1. Take Care of Yourself

This might seem obvious, but in the midst of all the chaos and juggling that comes with being a single parent, many parents forget that they still need to focus on their own health. The better your own mental, emotional and physical health is, the more prepared you will be to handle high-conflict situations calmly and with a good perspective.

It’s important to eat nutritious food that you enjoy, get enough sleep so that you wake up feeling well rested and to remember to carve out time for your own interests and hobbies. A solid social support system is also critical. You need people to talk to about your situation and who can both listen when you need to rant and get out some frustrations and who can provide some outside perspective.

Lowering your stress levels is one of the best things you can do for yourself, your children and your entire household. While this may seem laughable if you’re trying to navigate a high-conflict coparenting situation, it’s crucial to focus on what you can control. Don’t overschedule yourself and make time for something that calms and grounds you every day.

2. Get It in Writing

You may have heard the saying in business that if it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen, and this is also true for coparenting. It’s important to get any schedules, agreements or plans in writing so that there is an objective record of who was supposed to do what. If it is at all possible, it’s best for this to be an actual court order.

If you’re still working on finalizing your parenting plan, try to include everything you can think of that might possibly have to be a discussion later on. This could include who pays for private school tuition, who does the transportation to and from extracurricular activities and whether you split costs like school supplies and fees. If you already have a parenting agreement in place, it may be worth it to go back to court to try to get it amended to include the particulars for any recurring issues.

If it’s something small that wouldn’t be covered in the actual court documents, make sure to get a record of the other parent’s response and communication. Text is okay, but if you have to go to court later, texts aren’t always considered admissible. Email correspondence or communication through a coparenting app like 2houses is best. You can also do this yourself by sending the other parent an email such as, “Per our phone call today at 2 p.m., you will be taking Chris to soccer on your weekend.”

3. Use a Coparenting App

A coparenting app makes it easier to keep records for court, ensure you have agreements in writing and have everything you need all in one place. 2houses, for example, has a messaging feature that keeps track of when each parent opens and responds to the message, and it makes it so no one can delete a message and pretend like they never got it.

The other major advantage of a coparenting app is that it significantly decreases the amount of direct communication you need to have with the other parent — and, therefore, decreases the number of chances for a conflict. With 2houses, you can put the children’s schedule of appointments and extracurriculars on the calendar so you don’t have to personally notify the other parent. It also gives you a place to upload pictures and document important memories or conversations. You can even use the finance tracker to submit expenses for the other parent to pay directly through the app, lessening the amount of back and forth and automatically providing you documentation if you need to go to court.

You can download messages, expenses and anything else you need in an easy-to-use form that can then be given to your attorney or the courts, if necessary.

4. Pick Your Battles

High-conflict coparenting situations aren’t called that for no reason. It can seem like every single little thing becomes a huge issue. And it probably does — because that’s what high-conflict people do. But just because the other parent wants to make something an issue doesn’t mean you have to agree. Think about what things are actually worth responding to or intervening with, such as safety issues, and try to let the rest go.

Maybe the other parent lets the children watch TV shows or movies you don’t approve of or lets them spend more time playing games on the tablet than you would allow. In the grand scheme of things, these aren’t worth fighting about with someone who isn’t willing to actually listen to your reasoning and try to find a compromise.

5. Focus on De-escalation

Disagreements are inevitable, and when they involve your children, it’s normal for there to be heightened emotions and easily triggered tempers. High-conflict people play off of this and often purposefully try to get the other parent to react to something. They feed off of the drama and chaos.

So, what can you do? Focus on de-escalation tactics. This can involve noticing that you’re getting angry or starting to raise your voice and taking a few deep breaths to remind yourself that you don’t want to engage. It can also mean using specific strategies when talking with the other parent, such as saying, “You might be right” or “I hadn’t considered that angle” when they’re trying to argue. This doesn’t mean they are right or that their angle is a good one, but this is a strategy that can cause the other person to pause and get out of fight mode so you can then exit the conversation.

The bottom line is that you can’t control the other parent — or any other people involved — and you can only control your own actions. Stick to the court order, getting modifications as necessary, keep thorough records with a solid paper trail, and remind yourself that while you will likely never be able to be completely rid of the other parent, there will come a time when the children have grown up that you won’t have to actively coordinate with the other parent on this level.

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What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist: Your Comprehensive Guide

What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist

Narcissism is a major problem. 1% to 15% of the population suffers from narcissism. Some people have narcissistic personality disorder, while others struggle with some narcissistic symptoms. 

Narcissism becomes an even worse problem when it comes to split custody. A narcissistic co-parent can make the separation and parenting processes far harder than they need to be. Yet you can get help. 

What exactly is narcissism? How can narcissism impact a person’s parenting, and how can you help your child? What should you do to keep a narcissistic co-parent from affecting your life? 

Answer these questions and you can be an effective co-parent in spite of your ex. Here is your comprehensive guide. 

The Basics of Narcissism 

A personality disorder is a mental disorder. A person with one has patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy or destructive. They may be aware of the consequences of their actions, yet they cannot change them. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) impacts a person’s ego. They have a larger-than-normal sense of self-importance and skills. 

A person may exaggerate their achievements, including lying about successes in their life. They may be preoccupied with their fantasies of success and power. They may believe they are special and refuse to associate with any “normal” people. 

At the same time, they may come across as insecure. They may perform stunts so people will give them attention. They may fish for compliments or ask for approval repeatedly. 

Signs of Narcissism 

A person can come across as narcissistic in many different ways. They may come across as intelligent and capable during initial conversations. During first dates, they may shower their partner with signs of love and affection. 

Yet as time goes on, they may express an idealized view of their partner. This may come across as flattering, but it can also be arrogant. The person with NPD may say that the two of them are more special than everyone else. 

The person with NPD may prioritize their needs over the needs of their partner. They may stay for longer hours at work, or they may ask their partner for special favors. 

If the two go through a divorce, the person with NPD may insist on longer hours for child custody. They may also insist on having a greater share of the marital property. 

They may attack their ex in court, insisting that they are not fit to be a parent. They may initiate confrontations and enjoy how they make their ex and child upset. 

Keep in mind that the signs of NPD overlap with those of other mental health conditions. Bipolar disorder can lead to someone feeling egocentric or pulling stunts for attention. 

A person can have NPD and another mental health condition. They can also develop a substance abuse disorder. They may abuse a substance to cope with their lack of attention or to soothe their insecurities. 

How Narcissism Can Affect Parenting 

NPD can affect a person’s style of parenting in a few different ways. If you have a narcissistic ex-husband or a narcissistic ex-wife, you need to understand how they function as a parent. Monitor them closely and adjust your parenting style so you can support your child. 

The Achievement-Obsessed Co-parent

A narcissistic co-parent may be obsessed with their child’s achievements. They may insist that their child be the best, including through their physical appearance.

They may praise their child, but only when they accomplish something. When the child does something wrong, they may criticize them harshly. They may neglect their child when they need help because they don’t want to see their child as weak. 

The Self-Obsessed Parent 

The parent may demand admiration from their child. They cannot tolerate any disagreement or criticism. They praise their child when they follow their orders, but they scorn them when they disagree. 

Children with self-obsessed parents have low self-esteem. They may denigrate themselves and refuse to take leadership positions at school. 

The Prioritizing Parent 

Someone with NPD who has multiple children may prioritize one child over the rest. This child may have skills that their siblings do not have. They shower this child with praise while neglecting everyone else. 

The prioritized child may have mixed feelings about this. They may feel guilty that they are receiving more praise than the other children. They may become confused when they don’t receive praise at school or at work. 

Their siblings may lose self-esteem. They may distance themselves from the prioritized child, forming a rift in the family. 

The Abusive Parent 

Not all parents with NPD are necessarily abusive. Yet there are parents whose narcissism leads them to physical and sexual abuse. 

They may regard their children as servants. When they act out of line, they use physical force in order to get their way. They may engage in sexual behaviors with their children due to a lack of empathy. 

Set Your Boundaries 

Once you understand how your narcissistic co-parent is behaving, you can understand how you should behave. Unless your co-parent is abusive to you or your children, you should interact with them. Remaining in communication will make things like dividing school-related expenses easier. 

Yet you do not have to be in constant communication with your ex. Establish times during which you will not talk to them, even if they reach out to them. 

Establish what you will and will not talk about. You can limit your conversation to the welfare of your child or to finances. You can avoid talking about everything else. 

You are not obliged to speak to your co-parent if you both attend an event. Make it clear to them that you will not communicate with them at the venue. If they try to talk to you, say something like, “I don’t want to talk with you right now, but I hope you have a good night.” 

If you do meet with your co-parent, bring someone with you. They can monitor the conversation and end it if it stops being productive. 

If your co-parent has a partner, your boundaries should apply to them. You should not communicate with them unless something requires their attention. You should also avoid talking to your co-parent’s family members, including their parents and siblings.

They may become a stepmom or stepfather to their partner’s child. It is not your place to intervene with that relationship. Focus on your own child. 

Split Custody With a Good Parenting Plan 

All separated parents need to make a parenting plan. This will make co-parenting far easier and create a smoother separation process. 

You can follow most traditional tips for writing a parenting plan. You should have conversations with your ex during which you break down aspects of parenting. You should decide how you will divide parenting time and important responsibilities. 

You can talk to a lawyer. You can also find a mediator or a third party who will help you come to a mutual consensus. If you do not want to talk directly to your ex, you can have your attorney talk on your behalf. 

Keep the priority on your child. Figure out where they are going to live and attend school. Devise ways of covering their expenses, including food and clothing. 

If you do not want your co-parent to have custody, you should stand your ground. Go to court and propose options for a visitation schedule.

You can also divide physical custody while you have full legal custody. You can receive spousal or child support if you need it. 

Consider Parallel Parenting 

Parallel parenting is the best parenting model for divorced parents who don’t want to see each other. It is good for any situation involving a co-parent who has a mental illness. 

Both parents will be involved in raising their children. One parent may have visitation rights only.

Yet the two interact on limited occasions. They may see each other when one parent drops off the child. They may communicate with each other during an emergency. 

But that is the full extent of their interactions. One parent raises the child their way, and the other raises them their way. In effect, each parent serves as a single mom or a single dad. 

Parallel parenting will prevent your narcissistic co-parent from harming you. Yet you should be attentive to your child. If it seems like your co-parent’s parenting style is harming your child, you should intervene. 

Be Calm

Many people with NPD like to feed off other people’s emotions. They may instigate a conflict just to make the other person upset. This is especially the case with people they do not like. 

Do not take the bait that your co-parent is throwing out there. When they make a comment you do not appreciate, take a deep breath and respond without emotion. 

Never make a personal attack on your co-parent. Yelling at them may escalate the situation.  

When you need to let emotions out, you should do so. Once you are done talking with your co-parent, head outside and find some catharsis. 

Dodge Narcissist Triggers

A person with NPD may become triggered. A stunt they made for attention may have gone unnoticed. Someone may have caught them breaking a rule, or they may have suffered a setback in their personal life. 

This can cause their symptoms to become worse. They may fly into a rage, threatening other people and using violence to get their way. This rage can occur with minimal warning. 

Make sure you do not trigger your narcissistic ex. Do not bring up anything personal in your conversations with them, especially about their romantic life.

Whenever you are concerned about the welfare of your child, you should contact someone. You do not have to call the police if you don’t want to. You can ask a friend, relative, or crisis center to check in to make sure everything is okay. 

Affirm Your Child 

Don’t let your co-parent distract you from your child. Spend plenty of time with them. Engage in their hobbies and help them with their schoolwork. 

Praise your child when they do something right. But console them if something goes wrong or if they make a mistake. Work with them on how they can improve their skill so they don’t make the same mistake again. 

If they do something wrong, you can discipline them. But don’t go over the top. You can give them a timeout, but don’t take away food or water from them. 

You can have conversations with your child about their well-being. Yet you should not make it about the co-parent. Ask them to focus on themselves, their feelings, and their health.

Be attentive to the signs of child abuse. Contact someone if you notice several signs in any child, including ones you don’t have custody of. 

Think About Counseling 

Parenting in and of itself is stressful. Delegate plenty of time for self-care. Attend to your hobbies, talk to your friends, and find personal fulfillment in some way. 

You can talk to a mental health counselor if you find you have a lot of stress. Come up with some solutions to handle your personal problems. Devise some tips to cope with your anxiety. 

You may need to take medications. This does not make you weak. Medications can mitigate your symptoms and help you become a better parent. 

Do not recommend that your co-parent get counseling. They may take this as a sign of disrespect. But you can recommend counseling to other family members who may benefit from it. 

Deal With a Narcissistic Co-parent

You can split custody with a narcissistic co-parent. They may come across as arrogant, haughty, and self-centered. This can lead them to neglect or even abuse a child. 

Enforce hard boundaries with your co-parent. Avoid personal or emotional conversations with them. This has the added benefit of avoiding narcissistic triggers. 

Draft a good parenting plan and consider parallel parenting. Affirm your child and make sure they are doing well. Get yourself self-care so you combat your anxiety. 

Find resources that will help you and your children. 2houses provides great guides and online apps. Create an account today. 

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3 Ways to Support Your Child Going to A New School After Divorce

Going to A New School After Divorce

Divorces can be extremely hard on the whole family, but the effects they have on children might worry you much more than those they have on you. In such cases, it’s important that both parents put their differences aside and do what they think is best when it comes to their children. Aside from having to adjust to not living with both of their parents any more and moving from their home and everything they were familiar with, one of the main issues is how the child will get accustomed to their new school. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to support them through this challenging period of their lives. Here is some precious advice for making this transition smoother on your children.

Prepare Them for Talking About the Divorce

One thing your child might be very concerned about is how to tell their friends and colleagues about their current family situation. When it comes to smaller children, keep in mind that they don’t usually know how to hide facts and that they might overshare. Similarly, you can expect your teenagers to let some of their new peers in on details you would rather keep to yourself. This isn’t something you should get angry about. Instead, expect it and find time to talk to your children about the divorce and all of the issues they are confused about. After all, it might be a good thing that they trust somebody enough to discuss their thoughts and feelings. Still, let them know that their schoolmates may be curious about the divorce or separation, that they should politely decline answering any personal questions they’re not comfortable with and suggest how they can do it. Perhaps you can teach them how to redirect the conversation. Ask them what they’re ready to share with other children and mention things that may be inappropriate to tell others. Talking to your child can help them filter out what they should say or not, but it lets them know they can come to you with anything that’s bothering them and allows them to cope with any anxiety, fear or anger.

Show Interest in Their School Success

Another thing you should address is the child’s school obligations. While the divorce may be difficult on them, it’s still important that they stay as focused on their schoolwork as possible. Elementary-school children can benefit a lot from you sitting down and explaining anything they don’t understand or hiring tutors for some of their subjects. On the other hand, teenagers might not be as clingy as the smaller children, so you should put some effort into finding other ways to help them keep up with their curriculum. If they have trouble concentrating in class and they’re too distracted to take coherent notes, there are some excellent online resources you can refer them to. For example, Australian students rely on the systematic UOW notes. This is probably because these were written by students who have already taken the courses and understand the requirements of the subjects in question. UOW prides in being one of the top public universities with regards to undergraduate student experience, which means a lot to teenagers, making these notes something your children can turn to improve their grades and have better comprehension of their curriculum. 

Talk to Their Teachers

When your child is at school, they need to know they can rely on their teachers for anything they need. However, in order for teachers to truly be there for your child, they need to have as much insight into your child’s current state of mind, which means that they should be informed of the divorce or separation and how your child is taking it. Not only will that make it easier for the teachers to approach your child with the right kind of teaching method and give them proper guidance, but they’ll also be more understanding if something is out of order. Plus, this way the teachers can monitor your child’s behavior more closely and let you know if there’s anything you should be aware of. Finally, in case your child is still young enough to go to school and come back home on their own, you should let the teachers know who’ll be there to pick them up on any particular day or who they should call if there’s an emergency.

Having your children’s back is one of your main jobs as a parent and it becomes an imperative in such trying situations as going through a divorce. So, armor yourself with patience and love and be there for anything and everything they might need, so that they know they’re just as much loved and appreciated as they’ve always been.

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Back to School: Tips for Easier Co-Parenting Relationship

Tips for Easier Co-Parenting Relationship

According to a meta-analysis of 33 studies conducted by psychologist Robert Bauserman, children of divorced parents tend to be more well adjusted when there is a joint custody agreement rather than a sole custody agreement. Many parents who are getting divorced choose to pursue a joint custody agreement, both for the wellbeing of the child and because they both desire to be involved in their child’s life.

Joint custody can allow a child to grow up with the influence of both of their parents. However, it can also create a logistical puzzle to figure out when you factor in work schedules, school schedules, and more.

As the summer comes to a close and school starts back up again, the rhythm of your child’s life will change. This means that your co-parenting relationship will have to shift to accommodate this change.

Are you wondering what you can do to make your co-parenting easier during the back-to-school time? We’ll discuss a number of tips including how a co-parenting app can help keep your schedule and communications organized.

Have Strong and Consistent Communication

It’s important that both parents are informed about their children’s health, academics, and social developments. For this reason, weekly communication should be established.

There are a number of different ways to regularly and frequently communicate regarding your child’s schooling. There isn’t necessarily a right way to do it, but it is important to establish an understanding of the communication avenues for this purpose.

Depending on your relationship with your co-parent, some communication tools might be more appropriate than others. E-mail, texting, and phone calls might be appropriate ways to stay in touch about how your child is doing in school. You can also utilize a co-parenting app to help streamline communication and reduce confusion and disorganization.

Build a Structured Schedule

Building a structured schedule is important both for divorced parents and for their children. For parents, it helps both people keep track of the child’s activities. For children, it helps give them a sense of routine, security, and certainty that is an important part of healthy child development.

When you have a set and agreed-upon schedule, it helps everyone involved understand what is expected of them. Rather than dealing with constant confusion over misunderstood expectations, a structured schedule makes it clear where and when each person is supposed to perform certain duties.

It is completely fine to have a flexible schedule if that works best for the parents and the child. Allowing for flexibility can be important because work schedules can differ and because life can be unpredictable. However, in order for there to not be holes or mistakes made, communication is key.

One of the ways that you can reduce miscommunication in this regard is by using an interactive calendar that allows both parents to schedule and manage changes while eliminating time clashes.

Be Present For School Activities and Events

Even if you and your co-parent have difficulties in getting along, it’s important to be able to come together when it comes to school events and activities. Whether these are sports games, spelling bees, science fairs, school plays, or any other kind of school-related activity, it’s ideal for both parents to attend and show their support for their children.

During this time, it’s important to put the needs of your child first. However, if you and your ex aren’t able to sit together without getting into an argument, you might choose to sit separately to avoid relationship drama seeping into your child’s activity.

Be Attentive During Homework

One of the most important roles a parent plays for a school-age child is to be there when your child needs help with something, including homework. During the time when your child is living with you, take the time to sit down with them and learn what they’re working on and if they have questions.

When you do this, you are demonstrating that you are there to help in all parts of their lives. It can also be good to coordinate with your co-parent about how you plan to help with their schooling.

Don’t Let Drama Impact Your Child’s Academic Life

Divorce can be difficult in many respects, and it isn’t uncommon for there to be hard feelings between co-parents. That being said, it’s important to ensure that the issues between the two of you don’t impact your child’s academic life or overall wellbeing.

You don’t want your child to be distracted from their studies by relationship drama. For this reason, it’s essential that you and your ex are on the same page when it comes to your child’s social and academic needs. When both parents are engaged, it gives the child an important experience of security.

Coordinate Ahead of Time

One of the best ways to avoid conflict and confusion when it comes to co-parenting a school-aged child is to be on the same page. This means coordinating the details ahead of time. When it comes to parent-teacher conferences, school supplies, and how information will be exchanged, you will want to create an outline and understanding ahead of time.

You will need to create routines for things like extra-curricular activities, pickups and drop-offs, inclement weather, and emergency scenarios.

There are always going to be events in life that you can’t anticipate and plan for. However, you can leave a lot more room for dealing with this type of event by being organized and realistic about routine activities ahead of time.

The better able you are to plan for potential contingencies down the road, the fewer confrontations or miscommunications will occur.

Discuss the Cost of School Supplies

When you are splitting custody of your children, there is obviously a financial aspect to be taken into account. You should be considerate of how the costs of school supplies will be dealt with ahead of time. The last thing you want is for your child to need something for school and for the process to be derailed by confusion or conflict.

Talking about this ahead of time also ensures that your child doesn’t end up with duplicate supplies or isn’t missing particular things they need.

Take a look at this article for more tips on keeping track of shared expenses.

Meet Teachers Together

Ideally, it is best for both parents to get to know the teachers of their children. You can also take this opportunity to let teachers know about your family’s living arrangements and situation.

Divorce can be hard on children, and this can sometimes manifest itself in emotional outbursts, behavioral problems, learning challenges, and more. When you are straightforward with their teachers about what is going on at home, it opens a door of communication and keeps them informed. This also means that you might be better equipped to stay on top of any issues as they are arising.

Disclose Information

In a co-parenting situation, it’s important that both parents are aware of all of the details of a child’s academic life. This includes information about afterschool activities, major projects, grades, and lunch menus. You can help make the job of co-parenting easier for both of you by sharing copies of important deadlines and schedules, which can keep you both up to speed.

Create a Shared Calendar

One great tool that can help make it easy to share information and schedules is a shared calendar. This can also reduce direct communication between you and your ex, which might help to reduce the opportunity for conflict if there are still relationship issues that haven’t been worked out.

How to Increase Your Chances of Co-Parenting Success

One study found that children who are raised by co-parents that work cooperatively together have fewer behavioral issues. These children also tend to have closer relationships with their fathers than kids who are raised by a single parent or hostile co-parents. Here are a few tips to help you increase your chances of success when it comes to co-parenting.

Let Go of the Past

It’s important to never vent your frustrations about your ex to your child. These feelings are best shared with a therapist or close friends or family members. If you have nothing but contempt for your ex, it will be very difficult to successfully co-parent.

Keep the Focus on the Child

The most important thing for you to focus on in the present is what is best for your child. It can be difficult to move beyond past relationship issues but being unable to do so can take the focus away from what matters most.

Communicate

Good communication is absolutely essential as a part of co-parenting. Some guidelines you will want to follow include:

  • Be respectful, clear, businesslike, and concise when you are communicating
  • Keep email and texting communications brief and to the point
  • Set and stick with boundaries you have set up about the appropriate time of day for sending messages to one another
  • Communicate directly if possible rather than through an intermediary
  • Be cooperative when you are in communication

So much confusion, pain, and difficulty can be created when we fail to communicate clearly and with good intentions. For this reason, it’s essential to focus on sticking with these guidelines and the guidelines you’ve set with your co-parent.

Listen Actively

Communication has two halves: one is speaking and one is active listening. Work to make sure that your co-parent feels both heard and understood. Be sure to avoid interrupting them when they speak and take turns speaking.

It can be helpful to repeat what your co-parent said in your own words after they have spoken. You can then ask if you understand correctly what they have said. This helps ensure miscommunication doesn’t occur.

Work Together and Support One Another

For the best interest of your child, it’s important that you learn to work together. Mutually agreed-upon rules should be abided by. These include things relating to bedtime, curfew, screen time, diet, or other aspects of life.

Plan Ahead For Vacations and Holidays

Co-parents can struggle with dealing with vacation and holiday time. However, these times of the year can be made much easier by planning ahead of time and good communication.

It’s best to always give as much notice in advance as possible when it comes to these plans. When you are traveling with your kids, give your co-parent contact information so they will know where you are and how to reach you.

It’s good to practice consistency when it comes to holidays, too. If your child usually spent Thanksgiving with your ex’s side of the family and Christmas with your side of the family before you split up, it’s best to keep the routine the same if possible.

Check out this article for helpful information about creating a schedule for the summer.

Be Willing to Compromise

Compromise is just as important in a co-parenting relationship as it was when you two were still together. It’s always best to work towards a solution that you can both live with when you don’t agree on an issue.

Are You Looking For the Right Co-Parenting App?

When you start a co-parenting relationship, it can seem difficult and overwhelming at first. However, many of the issues that can crop up can be mitigated by organization and communication. Putting in the time and effort to come up with a plan that works for both of you as well as for your child can go a long way.

Staying organized can be one of the biggest challenges when it comes to co-parenting. Using a co-parenting app can be a major help when it comes to removing stress from a two-house arrangement. If you’re looking to improve communication and organization between you and your co-parent, learn more about 2houses here.

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Out-of-State Custody Arrangements: Creating a Workable Agreement

Out-of-State Custody Arrangements

Did you know that in 2018, America had roughly 780,000 divorces? That’s about one divorce every 60 seconds!

Consequently, this adds a lot of heartache due to things such as split custody, lawyer fees, and emotional turmoil. Nobody wins in a divorce. However, the ones who usually suffer the most are children.

This is because kids don’t fully understand what’s happening; they can’t quite comprehend the shifts taking place. This is further compounded when moving states and split custody enter the picture.

But, even in the midst of such tragedy, there is hope. The opportunity for a better tomorrow lies beyond the struggles of today.

And while painful, the sting of divorce can be somewhat soothed when split custody schedule ideas and agreements are introduced.

As a result, parents and kids can maintain their relationships with one another. In this article, you will get split custody schedule ideas to help you cope with your divorce.

What is Split Custody?

Split custody is the arrangement for your children following a divorce. Who goes where and for how long?

For example, after a divorce, your child may live with their mother during the school year but then move in and live with you for the summer months.

Split custody is a mutual agreement decided on by the parents and then approved by the courts. Or if the parents are unable to agree, a judge will come to a conclusion for both of them.

Split Custody Schedule Ideas

If your divorce has separated you from your kids by a few states, don’t fret. You have options.

You can set up a split custody schedule for long distances; this kind of arrangement will keep everyone happy. Here are a few things to keep in mind for how to do it.

Travel Expenses

How will your child reach your home? What kind of transportation did you have in mind?  Furthermore, who will cover the cost? You? Your ex-spouse? Or will you divide it between the two of you?

Parents Visiting From Out of State

You could also reach an agreement with your ex-spouse to come to visit your child or vice versa. Your ex-spouse could also come to your neck of the woods, too. This is good for a multitude of reasons.

First, it prevents your child from always bouncing back and forth. That’s not good for their mental health. Second, it keeps the custody arrangement from becoming too lopsided.

And last, it fosters stability in your child when they see their parents acting amicably toward each other.

Holidays, Vacations, and Special Occasions

A good idea you could ponder is to set up visiting arrangements around your kid’s schedule. Ponder your child’s life.

For example, consider summer vacations, Christmas holidays, fall and spring breaks, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, and long weekends. These are prime times for a workable split custody schedule.

By taking into consideration your child’s arrangements, you can plan get-togethers that will result in better experiences.

In the same way you have priorities in your life, your child also has obligations as well. They may not be on the same scale as yours, but your kid still has them nonetheless.

So it’s important to plan around them when it’s most convenient for your young one, and the best times to do that are during holidays and special occasions.

Communicate

You always want to stay in touch with your child, and not just when making plans. If you’re the removed parent, put in the effort to keep the lines of communication open as often as possible.

Whether it’s through a phone call, a casual text message, or a Zoom meeting, try to keep in touch. This is important for keeping the bond intact, and as a result, strengthening the relationship.

More Long Distance Schedule Ideas

When living out of state, your child lives with your ex-spouse and visits you. For this reason, it’s good to have as many ideas as possible to make seeing your child effortless.

So here are a few more things to consider:

  • Living Arrangements – Your child can live with you one part of the year and move in with the other parent for the next
  • Monthly Visits – You allow for visitation monthly on each long weekend (most months have at least one long weekend)
  • When School is Out – Whenever school break commences, the out-of-state parent gets the child
  • Undetermined – When you and your child’s schedules match up, you visit each other

Mix and match these choices as much as you see fit. Each one provides flexibility for both parent and child.

Age Considerations

It’s also important to factor in your child’s age, as this will play a role in your split custody schedule. Younger kids who aren’t in school have more free time, but this changes once they get a bit older.

Middle school kids and teenagers usually have friends, classes, and other extracurricular activities. As a result, it’s important to adjust your schedule appropriately.

In addition, some teenagers may even have a job already; it’s common for kids to start working around that age.

The primary goal is to create a schedule that works for everyone, especially the kids. You don’t want to interrupt their lives too much with the out-of-state moves.

Therefore, it’s crucial to keep a pulse on what’s happening in their lives and actively communicate with each other.

Cooperation is Needed For Out-of-State Moving

Whether you’re moving or your ex-spouse is, it’s important you’re on a similar wavelength. You must be on the same page. With the two of you on good terms, this will give you some leeway in your visitation plans. 

Besides, out-of-state schedule planning is hard, so everybody has to cooperate and be on board for things to work. 

The Importance of a Split Custody Agreement

Try finding common ground with your former partner. Just because you split doesn’t mean you can’t still be amicable with them. In fact, the whole idea behind split custody is to find that meeting point. 

Settling child custody disputes in a polite and good-natured way will make everybody’s lives easier, especially your kids’.

With this in mind, coming to an agreement with your former partner should be the main objective. A good split custody agreement will ensure that everyone’s needs are met. This allows for cohesion to take place.

Which State Makes the Final Call?

Excluding Massachusetts and Vermont, all states adhere to the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJA).  This entails that the choice of where the child resides comes from the state where the child was born.

For instance, if the child was born in Texas, but then moved to Florida, then Texas would have the authoritative entity.

But there’s always an exception to every rule, and this one is no different. One exception is if your child needs to be taken away due to security concerns. 

To illustrate, if your ex-spouse was unfit to care for your child and you were living out of state, that would be grounds for your child’s removal. The non-home state may be deemed as your child’s new residence.

Ways to Change Visitations and Custody Arrangements

There is a simple method to change your custody agreement. Talk it out with your former partner. In spite of anything you’ve heard, this is usually the simplest course of action.

Once you clear everything and the two of you are in agreement, get it approved by the courts. If you’re on good terms with each other, this shouldn’t be a problem. 

However, that may not always be the case, especially if your divorce was rather hostile. In that scenario, you’d appeal to the court to have a trial so that a judge can settle the dispute.

Dealing With Logistics

This is important. Managing the distance comes down to having the details of your child’s travel plans sorted out. And the good news is, you have options with this as well. 

Here are a few choices to consider that can be quite helpful in solving this logistics problem.

Negotiate

Generally speaking, the parent who moved pays for the child’s travel. But that doesn’t mean there can’t be compromises. On the contrary, coming to a mutual agreement with your former partner can be easier than you think.

Travel expenses can add up quickly, even for a young child. There is the plane ticket, car rides from the airport, trains, Ubers, or even buses. By negotiating with your ex-spouse, you can work out a deal.

Maybe you can cover certain schooling or other types of expenses for your child down the line. This will more than make up for the financial favor you’re asking for upfront.

Fly Alone Programs

Otherwise known as unaccompanied minor programs, these are tailored to kids who are too young to fly solo. 

The program offers an airline worker to accompany and safeguard your child during the flight. The employee will watch your child from when one parent drops them off until the other picks them up. 

Most airlines offer this service, so you shouldn’t be hardpressed to find one that can help you. But be sure that you’re checking beforehand just to be safe. 

Sustaining a Long-Distance Relationship

Always remain in contact with your children. Even if it’s only a weekly or bi-weekly chat, do it.

When it comes to relationship sustainability, especially with children, something is always better than nothing.

And for the purpose of maintaining the connection with your kids, this is a necessity.

Here are a couple of pointers to keep in mind:

Digital Chats

Everything is conducted online these days. Why not use the same medium to connect with your children? There are plenty of ways to do this; you can use Zoom, Skype, or even your own phone.

With Facetime, WhatsApp, and other face-to-face communication methods, you can always be in touch with your kids.

As a result, you can maintain that connection until you see each other in person again. 

Emotional Support

Encourage your child to contact you whenever something interesting happens. Big or small, it doesn’t matter.

Of course, this will depend on both of your schedules.

However, by encouraging this open communication, it creates the conditions for your child to feel your unwavering love and support.

If your child knows they can contact you for anything, and you’ll always be there, it strengthens your emotional bond. This will cause you to feel like a pillar in their life, and they’ll feel loved and connected to you. 

Start a Ritual

Develop some kind of tradition or routine with your child when they are in town. This builds excitement in kids.

For instance, every time your child visits you, you could take him or her to their favorite restaurant, go to the cinema to watch a new release, or even just go for ice cream.

Show your youngster that your place is not only stable but also fun and refreshing. As a result, it will solidify your child’s fondness for you, and they’ll look forward to visiting every time.

Make Your Out-of-State Custody Agreement Work

Whatever the condition you’re in following your divorce, it’s important to make the most of it. Keep your head up. With a good attitude and cordial communication with your ex, you can turn things around.

And by doing so, find a way to make your out-of-state split custody agreement work for you.

If you enjoyed this article but still feel as if you need extra assistance, don’t hesitate. Be sure to sign up today and join 181,590 other families in 170 countries that we’ve helped so far. 

We look forward to serving you.

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Attachment Styles and Parental Divorce: Everything You Need to Know

Parental divorce

The effects on children of parental divorce are perceptible. They often manifest as disruptions to previously established attachment styles. Intentional and conscious parenting aims to alleviate the unconscious pressure put on children of divorced parents.

After knowing what attachment styles are and how they can change after going through a divorce, you can parent more effectively to reduce psychological distress on your kids. There are preventative measures to take during the divorce to reduce effects. 

The relationship you have with your children before, during, and after the divorce will either reinforce their latent insecurities or comfort their securities. Keep reading to identify parental attachment styles and support your children through the divorce process. 

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment is the emotional or psychological bond one has to another person. Infants attach themselves naturally to their parental figures. Attachment is the way in which humans feel and grow their connection with one another. 

Connection is innate to the human condition. A healthy emotional relationship with parents translates to healthy relationships later in life.

According to attachment theory, the emotional response to a caretaker is partially developed for survival. When the primary caretaker is near, the more likely the child will have their needs met. They feel safe with the presence of their primary caregiver. 

In addition to survival, attachment style develops from how the child is being cared for. Attentiveness and nurturance influence attachment style. The ability to focus on and care for your child allows them to feel emotionally safe. This emotional safety is important for their psyche’s way of responding to the outer world. 

If a young one is not properly nurtured, it feels abandoned. This goes beyond having basic needs met. Humans are emotional creatures. Babies and kids need the space to receive love and assurance from their parents. 

Abandonment occurs when their needs have gone ignored. Babies who cry it out at night often feel abandoned. They stop crying because they have given up hope. They feel abandoned, so what is the point anyways?

Through their attachment and connection, they develop how safe they view the world. The kind of responsiveness you give them to their emotional needs shows them how the world will be. If you dismiss them, they feel abandoned. If you comfort and listen to them, they feel validated, important, and safe. 

The theory is a bit complicated. Older generations may not fully grasp the importance of nurturing children emotionally because they may not have been taught that themselves.

What Are The Attachment Styles?

The development that Bowlby and his successors came to find changes how parents can behave to give their kids the best chance at being successful later on. (Bowlby was the founder of Attachment theory).

Before learning ways to positively affect your children during the divorce process, being able to identify attachment styles is important.

Attachment styles are developed during the critical time period following postpartum. As nurturing and comforting behavior coincide with how safe a child will feel, these are the actions that determine a child’s attachment style. Responding to a child’s request for engagement with consistency and attentiveness leads to secure attachment. 

There are typically four types of attachments: ambivalent, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. 

Ambivalent attachment is caused by parents who are unavailable. Children display this by becoming extremely distressed after a parent has left. Children with ambivalent attachment cannot rely on their parental figures for security and safety. 

Avoidant attachment occurs when primary caretakers are neglectful and even otherwise abusive. Children tend to avoid them. They act indifferently in and without their presence. They do not prefer their primary caretaker over a stranger.

Disorganized attachment is seen in children whose parents are inconsistently available. They may sometimes be a source of love and comfort. At other times they may be a source for neglect and unavailability. Children with these types of parents become confused and disoriented. They can act resistant and avoidant when in the company of their caretaker.

Secure attachment is caused by dependable caretakers. Children become distressed when in their absence and joyous when reunited. They are typically wary of strangers. They are not afraid to find comfort with their caretaker and be assured they will return after they leave.

How Parental Divorce Influences Attachment Style 

While attachment styles develop as an infant, they can be revised when traumatic events occur. Kids of divorced parents go through a drastic change in the way they see the world post-divorce. All of a sudden, they are taught that not every couple stays together. 

This sudden instability can cause children to self-sabotage their own relationships. If they feel that all relationships are temporary, even serious ones, they unconsciously or intentionally ruin relationships. This occurs as an attempt to protect themselves from the inevitable fate that the relationship is doomed no matter what.

Their sense of safety is threatened by the added stress of change in living situations. Going back and forth between homes creates a sense of instability in their lives. So when a child may have previously had a secure attachment, this instability could spark a new attachment style.

Depending on how each parent acts, their behavior toward one parent may differ from the other. They may become more attached towards one parent and avoidant towards another. This is entirely dependent on how the divorce process and the time period before the divorce have been portrayed to them. 

When at different parents’ houses, there may be difficult rules to abide by. This results in children having to plan on how their needs will be met instead of having the reassurance that no matter where they are, they will get what they need.

This Is Not To Guilt Trip You

Yes, attachment theory and divorce have an intricate relationship with each other. It’s scary to think that this serious change in your life is affecting the emotional well-being of your kids for their potential futures. But, there are ways in which to avoid having extremely negative effects on your kids’ emotions. 

Parental divorce doesn’t have to be as traumatizing as possible. The way you handle presenting the divorce to your kids has an impact on how they will react emotionally. 

Most parents don’t plan on getting divorced. If it has come to the point where reconciliation is not possible, there are ways to show your kids that the divorce was the best possible outcome for the situation. 

If your kids are older, they may have seen and understood the reasoning for the divorce. They can understand that getting divorced is better than the alternative. Staying together while fighting, bickering, abusing each other, or just generally being unhappy doesn’t teach your kids a good lesson either. 

In fact, staying in a relationship where both parties are being neglected or mistreated teaches your children to settle. So, while a divorce is a hard process and affects your kids, so does the alternative. 

Take comfort in knowing you can actively influence how your kids respond emotionally to the divorce. 

Support Your Kids

Here are the ways that you can comfort your children before, during, and after the divorce. Having a solid emotional relationship with your kid is a good beginning.

If you don’t already have this foundation, find ways to establish one. Connect with your kids outside of the divorce. Be interested in their interests.

Just because you are all experiencing a life change doesn’t mean life has to always be negative. Find ways to find the good in the bad. Uplift each other’s spirits. Have one night where you do an activity to connect.

Planning out time for connection helps so that it doesn’t slip by. Kids appreciate attentiveness beyond infancy. If you are overwhelmed and caught up in your divorce, you might miss this time in your kids’ lives. 

Remember, they will never be the same age they are right now. Enjoy these precious moments with them.

Try having an open dialogue as a great way to share feelings. Do not leave your children to process the divorce by themselves. While they will go through their own experience on their own terms, you can help give them a safe place to feel their emotions. 

How to Consider Attachment While Going Through a Divorce

Encourage your household to have a safe environment to feel grief, pain, hurt, sadness, anger, and any other negative emotions. The only way to the other side of this difficult time is through. By not reprimanding the portrayal of negative emotions, your kids learn that it is perfectly okay to feel how they do.

Remember, this is how a change in attachment style could occur. If they do not feel safe and taken care of in their emotions, their attachment style will change.

If possible, maintaining a cordial relationship with your ex-partner will go a long way. Not all situations make this possible. Communicate with your ex-partner and be on the same terms as far as raising your kids goes. This accounts for any inconsistencies across households. 

Diminishing the number of inconsistencies in rules gives your kids a better chance at having their needs met no matter what.

Try having full transparency when it comes to divulging information to your kids. This honest line of communication helps build their trust levels. If your kids are young, they might not understand the dynamics leading to divorce.

Explaining things honestly gives them a chance at having that understanding. Not every detail needs to be uncovered. Approach telling the story in an unbiased way without sharing details that would harm them.

Don’t put all of the blame on the other spouse. Know that what you say about your ex influences your kids’ relationship with your ex.

Consider Family Therapy

With the emotional support given above, your kids should have a solid foundation to express emotions in a safe way. However, your situation might be more complicated. You may find it hard to manage your own emotions. 

It’s okay. This time is heightened with sensitivity. Seeking help through family therapy may be the thing you need.

Family therapy aims to provide a monitored setting for sharing feelings. Therapists can even see you as a group, but also one-on-one. Seeing family members individually allows people to open up more. 

The goal of family therapy is up to the family. Whatever area you are struggling with, you can work on. You can see a therapist with your ex to work on co-parenting. Or you can see a therapist with your children. 

Therapists help to start a conversation. They are good at asking questions to dive deeper. Kids may not understand their emotions during the divorce process. A therapist can guide them.

Therapists are familiar with attachment theory. They can help you come up with a plan to maintain secure attachments in your children. They can also spot signs of insecure attachments.

It’s nice to have a professional, objective lens. Family therapy isn’t for every family. But, it’s good for those who need additional support. 

You Are Not Alone

Remember that you are not alone. You are not the only people to experience divorce. You are lucky there is so much research on the effects of parental divorce. 

Utilize this research to your advantage. Encourage your children to use the blog linked below as well.

There’s a plethora of information on making everyone feel safe and comfortable during the divorce. For more advice on coping with divorce, check out our blog page.

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Divorce With Children: Not One-Size-Fits-All

Divorce With Children

Divorce is undeniably difficult, but when children are involved it becomes infinitely more complex and stressful. When you have children, you will need to communicate with your former spouse for many years after the divorce. While every divorce is different, it’s important to know generally what to expect while navigating a divorce with children. 

Separation and divorce can bring about a lot of unchartered territory for everyone involved. Arming yourself with some information ahead of time can ease the pain at least somewhat. Here are some things to consider when heading down this path.

Breaking the News

Telling your children you’re getting a divorce is no easy task. The best approach in breaking the news of your divorce to your children is to be honest and direct. 

Once you’ve decided to divorce, the first to know should be your children. As much as you may trust family and friends, you don’t want to take the chance that your children find out about your divorce from anyone other than you.

Set aside a time when you can sit down with your children without distractions and in a place where your children will feel most comfortable. It may seem like a good idea to share this news when your children are enjoying a fun event or during a holiday to distract them, but this is not the case. You don’t want them to associate those events with the trauma of your divorce.

Keep it simple. There is no need to go into every ugly detail. The most important thing to convey is that this decision will not affect how much you love and care for your children. They will need to know what will be different about their lives and what will stay the same. 

Hearing that your parents will no longer be living under the same roof is a traumatic and life-changing experience for children. It’s important that you assure them that you love them no matter what.  Go over everything with the other parent in advance so that when it comes time to tell your children you’re already well-informed with a plan in place.

The Process

Once you’ve decided to separate from your spouse, there may be a period of time before you’re actually able to officially divorce. During this time, one of the biggest decisions you will make will be settling the custody of the children.

In many cases, parents can come to an agreement as to how the custody arrangements will work. In cases of conflict where the parents cannot come to a mutually agreeable understanding, mediators can help find a solution that will work for everyone. In extreme cases, the matter can be taken before a judge.

There are many different ways parents can share custody of their children. The important thing is to find a schedule that keeps the needs of the children before the wishes and wants of everyone else. There are resources available to help you choose a path that’s right for you. 

Children First

No matter what your relationship is with your former spouse, you should both agree that your children’s emotional and physical well-being should always come first. This process is going to be difficult enough for your children without them having to deal with parents who are constantly arguing.

There are several things you should avoid when dealing with children after a divorce. Never argue or belittle your former spouse in front of the children. If you find it difficult to communicate peacefully, make sure you take it far away from the earshot of your kids. 

Never use your children as messengers or ask them to act as a go-between for you and the other parent. This causes the children to feel like they are expected to take sides between two people they love a great deal. In a similar vein, never grill your child for information regarding the other parent. 

Being civil may be the last thing you’re in the mood to do, but for the sake of your children, it is essential that you put aside your differences and choose the paths that will serve their interests best, even if it means swallowing pride. While there are no one-size-fits-all solutions, keeping the children’s needs above everything else should be your primary goal.

Co-Parenting

Though you are no longer married, you are still parents and always will be. First and foremost you will need to establish open communication about schedules, vacations, and other relevant information. 

Children thrive on routine and predictability. As much as is possible, keep their regular mealtimes, bedtimes, and other schedules unchanged from your house to theirs. 

It can be tempting for both parents to be a lot more lenient or to overindulge their children after the divorce. While it’s important to be understanding of the turmoil your kids are facing, maintaining rules and discipline will actually go a long way in making them feel more secure. 

Also, staying consistent with rules and discipline between both houses will help your children know exactly what is expected of them. Keeping this sense of normalcy for them will help them adjust to their new life. 

Another thing to consider will be holidays and who will have the kids for which ones. It’s best to have a schedule laid out in advance so there’s no confusion or added anxiety. Many parents will simply swap from year to year.

With proper planning, there’s no reason that your new traditions won’t become just as special as the old ones. 

Managing busy schedules for your kids can be a hassle even for parents who are still married. This can be especially difficult after a divorce. Many parents find that using a co-parenting app can help manage communication and scheduling. 

Working together to put the children first in spite of your differences will also set an example for your kids on how to manage conflict and resolve issues peacefully.

Shared Costs

Even though you’re no longer living in the same home, you will still need to share the costs of raising the children. Things like food and shelter may be addressed in child support, but there are other things that will arise where you will likely need to split the cost. 

Items like shoes and clothing will be an ongoing issue since your children will be constantly growing. At one point all of their clothes resided in one place. Now that you are living separately, you may find that you’ll both need more clothing at your place so your children will have plenty to wear.

Activities like sports, music lessons, and equipment that come with these activities can start to add up if only one parent is paying. Keep all receipts related to these expenses and choose a time periodically to go over how much each parent has spent so that the costs can be equally divided. 

Other things like doctor visits, orthodontics, or other fees will need to be discussed ahead of time as well. Putting together an expense budget or parenting plan may help take the stress out of communicating about money.

Counseling

In many cases, parents and children alike will need some help processing all of the emotions that come with a divorce. For parents, this can provide a useful place to take their frustrations about the divorce. Having a healthy outlet for all the emotion that comes with divorce can mean you can guide your children through their grief. 

For older children, the process of going through a divorce can bring about a host of issues. It’s not uncommon for children to act out or perform poorly in school. It can be a good idea to have them see a professional counselor to help them work through their thoughts and feelings about the divorce. 

Watching their parents go through the process of ending a marriage can cause emotions in your children that they cannot define or understand. With the help of a therapist, you can help them put words to what they are feeling. When these emotions are defined, they can be handled in a healthy and productive way. 

Helping children cope with divorce is a difficult process, so there is a great benefit to seeking out counseling.

Seek immediate help when you see the problems in your children or yourself worsen over time. If your child is acting in violent ways or threatening to hurt themselves or others, it is crucial to get them help as soon as possible.

The same is true for you. If the feelings of depression significantly interfere with your ability to care for yourself or if you begin to have thoughts of suicide, reach out to a professional immediately. You don’t need to go through this season alone.  

Outside Help

Sometimes divorce comes with feelings of extreme hostility between the parents. When it’s impossible for the parents to communicate effectively for the benefit of the children it may be necessary to call in mediators to help you decide what’s best for your kids. 

Though this type of help will come with added cost, it may be worth the expense to help you get started on the process of laying out a new normal for everyone. After some time has passed and wounds have healed, you can try again to communicate with each other one on one. 

The most important thing is to protect your children from any hostility that lies between you and the other parent. Putting them first before your own feelings will minimize the trauma and stress they will go through. 

Take Care of Yourself

There is a good reason why airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before you help your children. You can hardly be of any use to them if you’re struggling to breathe yourself. 

Going through a period of depression is completely natural after the end of a marriage. That’s why it’s more important than ever to pay attention to your physical and emotional needs. 

Eating a healthy diet, drinking water, and getting plenty of exercise is always good advice. These things are even more important when you’re going through a time of stress. 

If you are sharing custody with your former spouse, times without your children can be a good time to focus on hobbies and activities you enjoy. It may feel strange to be without your children initially, but you can use that time to engage with friends, travel, garden, or anything you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t found the time. 

It’s also quite normal to feel lonely after a divorce. This is a time to be sure you are leaning on family and friends for support. 

Even very small things like having a regularly scheduled outing with friends or taking a daily walk can boost your mood and fight feelings of depression. When you are feeling healthy you are even more capable of helping your children through their struggles. 

Divorce with Children

Divorce can be a painful and traumatic event for everyone involved. When it comes to making sure your children navigate this process in a healthy way, there is no such thing as being overprepared. 

There are many resources and apps that can help you along the way. For help with scheduling and communication, check out the 2houses app.

During this time, it is important to know that you are not alone. With the help of counselors, mediators, apps, family, and friends, you can eventually find your way to a new normal. 

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My Parents Are Divorcing. How Do I Cope?

My parents are divorcing

When it comes to the relationship between divorce and children, parents breaking up can impact kids psychologically, emotionally, physically, and academically. When children are young, it is important for parents to learn how to explain divorce to children and how to help their children cope.

However, teenagers and adults who have divorcing parents might be searching on their own for information on coping with divorce. For these different stages in life, learning how to deal with your parent’s divorce might look a bit different whether you’re still living under your parent’s roof or if you have transitioned into adulthood.

In both cases, though, it’s important for you to learn how to identify, experience, and validate your own emotions as a part of the healing process. It is easy for both teens and adults to suppress their emotions that stem from such a difficult occurrence, however, this can have a number of psychological and physiological consequences.

Are you wondering how to cope when you’re parents are getting a divorce? Let’s take a look at what you need to know.

Coping With Divorce as a Teenager

The teenage years are often a time of high emotions, with so much going on with friends, relationships, and school. Many teens are already feeling stress during this time, and parents divorcing or problems in the home can amplify that.

Here are some important things to remember when your parents are getting divorced.

It’s Not Your Fault and It Never Was

As a teenager, watching your parent’s relationship and can be one of the most difficult things you will go through. Even though this can be a very hard time, you never want to forget that it is not your fault. Relationships can be incredibly complicated, and your parents are separating because of issues between them and not to do with you.

It is easy to worry that things that you did or didn’t do led to your current situation. However, there is nothing that you could have done to change the outcome of your parent’s relationship.

You’re Not Their Messenger

Unfortunately, some parents will use their children as a messenger to share information between homes. This is not your responsibility, and you should not be put in the position of being their go-between. It is your parent’s responsibility to figure out how to communicate with each other in a way that does not involve you.

Validate Your Emotions, Don’t Suppress Them

When you find out that your parents are getting a divorce, there are a lot of different emotions that you might feel. Maybe you feel angry, confused, sad, or maybe you even feel relieved if your parents were always fighting. No matter how you feel about the situation, it is absolutely crucial that you validate your emotions.

Feeling guilty about the emotion you’re having won’t accomplish anything and will only cause more pain and discomfort for you. Many teenagers might be tempted to suppress their emotions because they are worried that there is something wrong with them. However, allowing yourself to experience your emotions and vent them is essential to your mental health.

When people suppress their emotions, they often find ways to vent these emotions. This might lead to issues like overeating or abusing alcohol or drugs. Self-destructive behavior like this will only make the situation worse, and if you’ve found yourself coping in this type of way it’s important to get professional counseling right away.

Emotions will always be a part of life. It is important that we learn to accept, experience, and validate our motion in order to leave the healthiest life possible.

Find New Ways of Dealing With Stress

You may have never dealt with as much stress as you are now that your parents are getting divorced. If you haven’t had to figure out how to handle stress in the past, you might be feeling unequipped for the situation you’re going through.

There are a lot of different things that you can do for stress management. Everyone is different, and you can experiment with what works for you. Lots of people, though, are able to find hobbies that they enjoy that assist them in getting through times that are tough.

Here are some popular stress management hobbies and techniques:

  • Journaling
  • Running
  • Yoga
  • Hiking
  • Doing puzzles
  • Cooking
  • Coloring
  • Knitting, crocheting, or quilting
  • Spending time with your pet
  • Playing sports
  • Breathing exercises
  • Art projects
  • Socializing with friends

While you can’t change the fact that your parent’s getting divorced is causing stress in your life, you can adopt stress management techniques that help you cope with it.

Divorce can obviously be quite stressful for parents, too. If you’ve been experiencing anxiety as a co-parent, check out these five tips to help you cope.

Communicate With Your Parents

When you’re parents are getting a divorce, you might not feel particularly compelled to tell your parents how you are feeling. However, it’s important that you don’t keep your feelings from them during this time. Share with them what you’re going through emotionally so that they can understand how the divorce is affecting you.

You shouldn’t be scared or ashamed to tell your parents that you’re feeling sad or angry about the divorce. Some teens might worry that doing so will make their parents feel bad. However, your parents want to know how you’re doing and it’s their responsibility to be there for you.

Talk to Your Close Friends

Sometimes it can be good to talk to those who are close to you that are beyond your family. Your closest friends want the best for you and want to know what’s going on in your life. When you’re parents are going through a divorce, talk with your best friends and tell them what you’ve been going through.

It can be hard to talk about these things, and maybe you don’t want to talk about your parents divorce with all of your friends. However, confiding in your closest friends can be a very healthy way to deal with and vent your emotions, keeping you healthier and happier and avoiding the outcome of suppressing emotions.

Consider Talking to an Expert

It can feel odd to talk to a professional therapist or counselor at first. However, it can be very helpful to have someone to listen to you and talk things out with during this time. They can offer tips or insights to help you manage your emotions, and otherwise provide a safe place where you can talk about how you feel.

Relationships can be complicated, and there are some things that you might not feel comfortable telling your parents or your close friends. While it’s good to be open and honest with those around you, it is certainly understandable if you feel hesitant to be completely open about how you’re feeling. Therapists can be a great tool in this type of circumstance, to help you explore how you are feeling and decide how to communicate that honestly with the people in your life.

How to Deal With Your Parent’s Divorce as an Adult

Even though the divorce rate in the US is on the decline, there is one demographic where divorce is on the rise. Surprisingly, this group is people over the age of 50.

Commonly referred to as “gray divorces,” we are now at a point where one in four people that are getting divorced in the United States are in this older demographic.

There are a number of different factors that are thought to contribute to this rise in divorce at an older age. These include the fact that divorce is more socially acceptable, that women are more financially independent, and that people are living longer.

It is also common for parents to wait to end their marriage until their kids have left the house. The thought process behind this is that adult children will be better able to deal with their parent’s relationship unraveling. While this can be true in some ways and it can certainly be better for children to have a stable home environment when they’re growing up, that doesn’t mean that divorce can’t be devastating and confusing to adult children.

Many adult children whose parents are getting divorced might assume that it shouldn’t be a big deal for them. However, this is a major life transition for them, too, as it impacts the structure of their family forever. Let’s take a look at some divorce tips for adult children.

Understand That Your Experiences and Feelings Are Valid

Everyone is going to have a different experience when their parents are getting a divorce. Some adult children might be struck with relief, happy that their unhappy parents are finally moving on from an unhealthy relationship. On the other hand, though, it can be devastating to have your family structure change and feel as though it’s in dissolution, which is absolutely a valid way to feel.

No matter how you feel, the important thing is to validate your feelings and experiences. As adults, sometimes we think we know how we should feel about certain occurrences. However, our feelings aren’t dictated by what we think should happen rationally, and so it’s important to recognize how you actually feel versus how you think it would be most mature and ideal for you to feel.

Know That You’re Not Alone

As mentioned earlier, divorces between adults over the age of 50 are on the rise. While this may or may not be comforting, it can help to understand that you aren’t alone in this situation.

Some research surrounding this phenomenon finds that roughly half of the adult children of older divorcees report negative experiences and feelings. Conflicted feelings lead about half of them to withdraw from their parents. Luckily, within about five years most of these estranged parents and children will reconcile, according to the research.

Acknowledge Your Grief

You can lose so many things when your parents get divorced, even if you’re an adult and no longer living at home. You might find that your extended family is no longer intact, it can change the structure of your support systems, and it can alter your dreams about future family celebrations, rituals, and traditions.

Acknowledging your grief is an important step in this process. You should feel free to share the fact that you are grieving these losses with your family and friends. You should be allowed time to mourn this loss and accept so that you can heal, and communicating this need with family and friends can help give you the space you need.

Set Boundaries That Work For You

Adult children of divorcing parents can feel caught in the middle when there are conflict or issues. As an adult, you can set boundaries that make it clear that you don’t want to participate in being a messenger, middleman, therapist, surrogate spouse, or any other kind of unhealthy or unnecessary role.

If you want to have a relationship with both parents, make it clear that you love them both and want to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them. Rather than fulfilling unhealthy roles for your parents, it’s important that you insist that they get the help they need elsewhere.

You can also request that your parents keep their personal issues out of family and celebratory events. There is no need for holidays and celebrations to be traumatic events ad infinitum, and it’s important that both parents be able to participate in the family without making it about their personal scuffles.

If you’re getting divorced, check out these five tips to help you deal with the stress.

Divorce and Children: Finding Resources to Help Everyone Cope

Many people involved in a divorce or with divorcing parents might feel ashamed or even inconvenienced by their emotions and experience. However, it’s absolutely essential that you prioritize your mental health during this time to help you get through what is understandable a very difficult experience.

You don’t have to go through this alone and should seek the help of supportive family, friends, and healthcare professionals. There are countless resources available online and elsewhere to help you learn how best to cope with divorce.

If you’re looking for more resources that have to do with divorce and children, check out the library of information available on the 2houses blog.