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Divorcing From An Abusive Spouse: What You Need To Know

Divorcing From An Abusive Spouse

Every year, domestic violence wreaks havoc on the lives of an estimated four million people – the vast majority of whom are women, but men also make up a significant percentage of that statistic. In addition to this, it’s important to point out that domestic abuse also has a substantial ripple effect on entire families and friendship groups, causing distress and trauma to those close to the abuse.

If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of being a victim of domestic abuse, you may be considering a divorce from your partner. After all, domestic violence can affect mental health and physical health, as well as cause significant harm and even death in extreme situations. With that said, here is a quick run-through of everything you need to know about divorcing an abusive spouse.

What Are the Types of Abuse In a Marriage?

First and foremost, it is critical to understand the various forms of marital abuse. Unfortunately, many individuals believe that physical violence is the only way their spouse may harm them, but this is simply not true. The following are some of the most prevalent kinds of abuse in abusive relationships:

  • Physical abuse
  • Emotional and verbal abuse
  • Sexual abuse
  • Financial abuse
  • Digital abuse
  • Stalking

How Spousal Abuse Might Affect the Type of Divorce You Choose?

Typically, there are two types of divorce that you need to be aware of; these are no-fault and fault-based. Divorcing spouses under certain state laws have the choice of seeking a fault-based divorce, but in others, all divorces are classed as no-fault. It all depends on the laws within your area.

No-Fault Divorce

The filing spouse in a no-fault divorce is seeking a divorce based on one of the state’s no-fault legal grounds. In most states, these legal grounds are usually separation, irreconcilable differences, irreversible breakdown, and incompatibility. To have a claim for a no-fault divorce accepted by the court, the filing spouse does not have to allege that there has been any marital abuse. Instead, the spouse must simply inform the court that the marriage has ended and that there is nothing that can be done to save it through things such as counseling, etc. After this, the court will grant the divorce if both spouses fulfill the state’s other divorce standards.

Fault-Based Divorce

A fault-based divorce, on the other hand, requires the filing spouse to launch allegations that there are more specific legally recognized grounds for the divorce. Adultery, abuse, criminal convictions, and substance addiction are just a few of the common reasons for fault-based divorces. As for domestic abuse, you can claim in your divorce papers that your marriage ended because of your spouse’s abuse, giving details where necessary.

How Spousal Abuse Affects Financial Outcomes After a Divorce

Of course, it goes without saying that the financial aspect of a divorce is one of the most significant. In many cases, this can be the primary factor that causes abused spouses to remain in the marriage without seeking a divorce, as they are fearful they will be cut off and left without any assets, possessions, or cash.

To be frank, it’s impossible to offer a blanket response about how funds will be handled after a divorce because each case is unique. With that stated, marital abuse can have an impact on property distribution, especially if the spouse who has been abused can prove that it has resulted in financial losses or a reduction in their capacity to generate income. Domestic violence victims with additional financial concerns tend to be treated more leniently by the courts, sometimes offering alimony to those who need financial support.

How Spousal Abuse Affects Child Custody After a Divorce

If you have children, you may be anxious about how the courts will handle custody. In every state, the court will examine what will be the best outcome for the child. If you can show that you have been the victim of domestic abuse, the courts may place restrictions on your abusive spouse’s custody rights, such as restricting overnight visits. In severe situations, a court may terminate their right to visitation and give you complete custody, but this, too, is contingent on the facts of your case.

Above all, the most crucial consideration is your safety. If you believe you are a victim of domestic violence, get help right away so you can protect yourself and your children. Once you are safe, then you can start to consider moving through with the divorce.

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What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist: Your Comprehensive Guide

What to Do if Your Co-parent Is a Narcissist

Narcissism is a major problem. 1% to 15% of the population suffers from narcissism. Some people have narcissistic personality disorder, while others struggle with some narcissistic symptoms. 

Narcissism becomes an even worse problem when it comes to split custody. A narcissistic co-parent can make the separation and parenting processes far harder than they need to be. Yet you can get help. 

What exactly is narcissism? How can narcissism impact a person’s parenting, and how can you help your child? What should you do to keep a narcissistic co-parent from affecting your life? 

Answer these questions and you can be an effective co-parent in spite of your ex. Here is your comprehensive guide. 

The Basics of Narcissism 

A personality disorder is a mental disorder. A person with one has patterns of thoughts and behaviors that are unhealthy or destructive. They may be aware of the consequences of their actions, yet they cannot change them. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) impacts a person’s ego. They have a larger-than-normal sense of self-importance and skills. 

A person may exaggerate their achievements, including lying about successes in their life. They may be preoccupied with their fantasies of success and power. They may believe they are special and refuse to associate with any “normal” people. 

At the same time, they may come across as insecure. They may perform stunts so people will give them attention. They may fish for compliments or ask for approval repeatedly. 

Signs of Narcissism 

A person can come across as narcissistic in many different ways. They may come across as intelligent and capable during initial conversations. During first dates, they may shower their partner with signs of love and affection. 

Yet as time goes on, they may express an idealized view of their partner. This may come across as flattering, but it can also be arrogant. The person with NPD may say that the two of them are more special than everyone else. 

The person with NPD may prioritize their needs over the needs of their partner. They may stay for longer hours at work, or they may ask their partner for special favors. 

If the two go through a divorce, the person with NPD may insist on longer hours for child custody. They may also insist on having a greater share of the marital property. 

They may attack their ex in court, insisting that they are not fit to be a parent. They may initiate confrontations and enjoy how they make their ex and child upset. 

Keep in mind that the signs of NPD overlap with those of other mental health conditions. Bipolar disorder can lead to someone feeling egocentric or pulling stunts for attention. 

A person can have NPD and another mental health condition. They can also develop a substance abuse disorder. They may abuse a substance to cope with their lack of attention or to soothe their insecurities. 

How Narcissism Can Affect Parenting 

NPD can affect a person’s style of parenting in a few different ways. If you have a narcissistic ex-husband or a narcissistic ex-wife, you need to understand how they function as a parent. Monitor them closely and adjust your parenting style so you can support your child. 

The Achievement-Obsessed Co-parent

A narcissistic co-parent may be obsessed with their child’s achievements. They may insist that their child be the best, including through their physical appearance.

They may praise their child, but only when they accomplish something. When the child does something wrong, they may criticize them harshly. They may neglect their child when they need help because they don’t want to see their child as weak. 

The Self-Obsessed Parent 

The parent may demand admiration from their child. They cannot tolerate any disagreement or criticism. They praise their child when they follow their orders, but they scorn them when they disagree. 

Children with self-obsessed parents have low self-esteem. They may denigrate themselves and refuse to take leadership positions at school. 

The Prioritizing Parent 

Someone with NPD who has multiple children may prioritize one child over the rest. This child may have skills that their siblings do not have. They shower this child with praise while neglecting everyone else. 

The prioritized child may have mixed feelings about this. They may feel guilty that they are receiving more praise than the other children. They may become confused when they don’t receive praise at school or at work. 

Their siblings may lose self-esteem. They may distance themselves from the prioritized child, forming a rift in the family. 

The Abusive Parent 

Not all parents with NPD are necessarily abusive. Yet there are parents whose narcissism leads them to physical and sexual abuse. 

They may regard their children as servants. When they act out of line, they use physical force in order to get their way. They may engage in sexual behaviors with their children due to a lack of empathy. 

Set Your Boundaries 

Once you understand how your narcissistic co-parent is behaving, you can understand how you should behave. Unless your co-parent is abusive to you or your children, you should interact with them. Remaining in communication will make things like dividing school-related expenses easier. 

Yet you do not have to be in constant communication with your ex. Establish times during which you will not talk to them, even if they reach out to them. 

Establish what you will and will not talk about. You can limit your conversation to the welfare of your child or to finances. You can avoid talking about everything else. 

You are not obliged to speak to your co-parent if you both attend an event. Make it clear to them that you will not communicate with them at the venue. If they try to talk to you, say something like, “I don’t want to talk with you right now, but I hope you have a good night.” 

If you do meet with your co-parent, bring someone with you. They can monitor the conversation and end it if it stops being productive. 

If your co-parent has a partner, your boundaries should apply to them. You should not communicate with them unless something requires their attention. You should also avoid talking to your co-parent’s family members, including their parents and siblings.

They may become a stepmom or stepfather to their partner’s child. It is not your place to intervene with that relationship. Focus on your own child. 

Split Custody With a Good Parenting Plan 

All separated parents need to make a parenting plan. This will make co-parenting far easier and create a smoother separation process. 

You can follow most traditional tips for writing a parenting plan. You should have conversations with your ex during which you break down aspects of parenting. You should decide how you will divide parenting time and important responsibilities. 

You can talk to a lawyer. You can also find a mediator or a third party who will help you come to a mutual consensus. If you do not want to talk directly to your ex, you can have your attorney talk on your behalf. 

Keep the priority on your child. Figure out where they are going to live and attend school. Devise ways of covering their expenses, including food and clothing. 

If you do not want your co-parent to have custody, you should stand your ground. Go to court and propose options for a visitation schedule.

You can also divide physical custody while you have full legal custody. You can receive spousal or child support if you need it. 

Consider Parallel Parenting 

Parallel parenting is the best parenting model for divorced parents who don’t want to see each other. It is good for any situation involving a co-parent who has a mental illness. 

Both parents will be involved in raising their children. One parent may have visitation rights only.

Yet the two interact on limited occasions. They may see each other when one parent drops off the child. They may communicate with each other during an emergency. 

But that is the full extent of their interactions. One parent raises the child their way, and the other raises them their way. In effect, each parent serves as a single mom or a single dad. 

Parallel parenting will prevent your narcissistic co-parent from harming you. Yet you should be attentive to your child. If it seems like your co-parent’s parenting style is harming your child, you should intervene. 

Be Calm

Many people with NPD like to feed off other people’s emotions. They may instigate a conflict just to make the other person upset. This is especially the case with people they do not like. 

Do not take the bait that your co-parent is throwing out there. When they make a comment you do not appreciate, take a deep breath and respond without emotion. 

Never make a personal attack on your co-parent. Yelling at them may escalate the situation.  

When you need to let emotions out, you should do so. Once you are done talking with your co-parent, head outside and find some catharsis. 

Dodge Narcissist Triggers

A person with NPD may become triggered. A stunt they made for attention may have gone unnoticed. Someone may have caught them breaking a rule, or they may have suffered a setback in their personal life. 

This can cause their symptoms to become worse. They may fly into a rage, threatening other people and using violence to get their way. This rage can occur with minimal warning. 

Make sure you do not trigger your narcissistic ex. Do not bring up anything personal in your conversations with them, especially about their romantic life.

Whenever you are concerned about the welfare of your child, you should contact someone. You do not have to call the police if you don’t want to. You can ask a friend, relative, or crisis center to check in to make sure everything is okay. 

Affirm Your Child 

Don’t let your co-parent distract you from your child. Spend plenty of time with them. Engage in their hobbies and help them with their schoolwork. 

Praise your child when they do something right. But console them if something goes wrong or if they make a mistake. Work with them on how they can improve their skill so they don’t make the same mistake again. 

If they do something wrong, you can discipline them. But don’t go over the top. You can give them a timeout, but don’t take away food or water from them. 

You can have conversations with your child about their well-being. Yet you should not make it about the co-parent. Ask them to focus on themselves, their feelings, and their health.

Be attentive to the signs of child abuse. Contact someone if you notice several signs in any child, including ones you don’t have custody of. 

Think About Counseling 

Parenting in and of itself is stressful. Delegate plenty of time for self-care. Attend to your hobbies, talk to your friends, and find personal fulfillment in some way. 

You can talk to a mental health counselor if you find you have a lot of stress. Come up with some solutions to handle your personal problems. Devise some tips to cope with your anxiety. 

You may need to take medications. This does not make you weak. Medications can mitigate your symptoms and help you become a better parent. 

Do not recommend that your co-parent get counseling. They may take this as a sign of disrespect. But you can recommend counseling to other family members who may benefit from it. 

Deal With a Narcissistic Co-parent

You can split custody with a narcissistic co-parent. They may come across as arrogant, haughty, and self-centered. This can lead them to neglect or even abuse a child. 

Enforce hard boundaries with your co-parent. Avoid personal or emotional conversations with them. This has the added benefit of avoiding narcissistic triggers. 

Draft a good parenting plan and consider parallel parenting. Affirm your child and make sure they are doing well. Get yourself self-care so you combat your anxiety. 

Find resources that will help you and your children. 2houses provides great guides and online apps. Create an account today. 

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Anxious Co-Parent? 5 Tips To Cope With Your Anxiety

Anxious coparent

Family is one of the essential parts of your life and the sole source of motivation. Due to interpersonal conflicts, you may need to break cords with your partner and move ahead. But, the co-parenting responsibilities might impose a hurdle in the path of moving on and doing better. While you owe a good education and the utmost care to your child, bearing an interaction with your ex can feel like a nightmare. With the right tips and suitable measures, you can beat the anxiety that comes from talking to your ex now and then.

Here are the tips for coping up with your anxiety while co-parenting and taking care of your child.

1.  Identify Your Triggers

One of the most important causes of anxiety is the frequent triggers you face after meeting your ex-partner. It could be anything, ranging from an event or a situation, that makes you react impulsively. Also, identification of the possible triggers can minimize the after-effects and ease your anxiety. Challenge your thoughts and try to overcome the feeling to beat the anxious thoughts. The moment you feel your heart racing, practice breathing exercises to calm your nerves down. Such measures can help you tackle the triggers without giving in to the negative thoughts.

With time, your mind is likely to stop reacting to the triggers and curb the panic attacks. If communicating with your ex for a long time causes distress, you can establish the much-needed boundaries.

2.  Cut The Call As Soon As Possible

The initial days of your divorce can be pretty vulnerable and challenging. During these times, you need to minimize the communication in several ways to move on. Co-parenting doesn’t allow you to cut off cords completely and stop talking altogether. But, you can stick to short calls and discuss the business without deviating from the topic of discussion. Try to control your emotions and step back before giving in to the heat of the moment. Also, you can try other ways of communication like emails or texts. It gives you adequate time to think, process, and react in the right manner.

Such small measures can help you tackle the anxiety and deal with the triggers. Along with this, it reduces the chances of your child hearing things that they shouldn’t as of now. Make sure to limit communication and stick to the established boundaries to prevent anxiety. If the anxiety gets over your life, you can resort to the red malay kratom to uplift the mood.

3.  Be Flexible

Co-parenting is full of unexpected plans and never-ending compromises between you and your partner. You must remain flexible to changes in plans and unforeseen delays. Also, try to sort out the timings with your ex-partner in an effective manner. While your ex gets to stay with the baby for new year’s night, you can keep your kid for Christmas dinner. Such compromises go a long way in managing the co-parenting deal and allow you to spend adequate time with your child. Not to forget, it can help manage the financial and emotional needs of your child.

Always expect the unexpected and make the most of the little time you get with your baby. Preach to settle for the best ways that help in molding your child’s future and provide a balanced upbringing.

4.  Seek Professional Guidance

Divorce and co-parenting can be exhausting for your body as well as the mind. Hence, you may experience anxiety and burnout more often than before. In case the situation goes out of your hand, don’t hesitate to seek professional psychiatric support. You can try consulting a marriage coach to discuss your issues and vent your heart out. Try to remain calm and composed in front of your child as well as your ex-partner. Instead, you can talk your heart out with the psychologist and seek the required support.

Your marriage coach will guide you throughout the process and help take care of the triggers. That way, you can take control of your personal life and the responsibilities as a co-parent. Don’t forget to ask for a day off from the duties if the burden gets too much to handle.

5.  Try To Consider Your Child’s Perspective

Anxious co-parent

Breaking the relationship can feel like a significant trauma and evoke a feeling of hatred towards your ex-partner. But, you must try to let the negative feelings go and consider the situation from your child’s place. Healthy upbringing involves the support of both the parents in every aspect. Hence, your child needs your ex as much as you in the growing-up process. Empathizing towards your child can be a great way to overcome the negative feelings towards your ex. Also, it can ease the triggers and help you be a responsible co-parent for your little one.

Final Thoughts

Anxiety and stress are inevitable during the co-parenting days due to communication with your ex-partner. But, you can ease the triggers and manage the responsibility with simple tips and tricks. Try to identify the situations or discussions or trigger the anxiety attacks. Also, you can establish boundaries and set a few modes of communication to avoid unnecessary arguments. You might want to seek professional support and be flexible with your schedule. See the situation from your child’s perspective and realize that the kid needs both the parents during the growth phase. Such measures and realizations can help you tackle the co-parenting stage like a grown-up parent.

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5 Crucial Tips To Deal With The Stress Of Divorce

Stress of divorce

Relationships are one of the essential parts of your life due to constant support and emotional understanding. But, things can go wrong and take a drastic turn soon after uttering “I do.” You may experience anxious thoughts and racing hearts quite often after your divorce. Also, it can affect your social skills and lead to mental issues. Such after-divorce effects might hinder your daily life and call for adequate protective measures. You must sit back and find out the effective ways to deal with the stress and live a happy life.

1.  Normalize The Mixed Feelings

Do you feel anxious and exhausted at one time and aggressive and heated at the next? Mixed feelings are pretty standard, especially after breaking ties with your partner. Venturing into the unknown without any support system by your side can be frightening. Also, it induces a sense of doubt about your capabilities and makes you feel vulnerable. You need to accept the mixed feelings and normalize the thousands of thoughts you experience. Try to let the thoughts flow without reacting to them. That way, you realize that these mixed feelings are temporary and better days await ahead.

While identifying your present emotions, you must try and make more room for positive feelings. Know that life has so much more to offer than just a life partner and a happy married life. Along with this, stay open to the unknown and let life guide you through these times. In case the stress takes over your mind and becomes unbearable, you can always resort to cbdMD for some calming CBD supplements.

2.  Practice Self Care

During the moving on phase, even the normal tasks like waking up and taking a shower can be a lot to do. You may feel like lying on the bed and doing nothing for the entire day. But, try to understand that doing absolutely nothing is harmful to your body and your mind. You need to take care of yourself and practice self-care habits. Whether it’s a nice and warm bubble bath or your favorite cup of coffee on the bed, every little habit makes you feel better.

Hence, you must nurture your body and do the things you love. Take out a few minutes to read a self-help book with the sunset right in front. Or, maybe you can prep your skin with some herbal skincare products. Eat healthy and nutrient-packed foods to rejuvenate your mind and beat the negativity. Living an everyday life and keeping yourself busy at times can be the best stress-buster. Also, understand your worth and start a new journey at this point in life.

3.  Don’t Make Abrupt Decisions.

A life crisis predisposes you to unwanted emotions and constant adrenaline surge. While moving on from the pain of divorce, you must refrain from making some life-changing decisions. Constant emotional disturbance can affect your decision-making abilities and cognition. Further, you might end up doing something that isn’t good for your future self. Try to make decisions after proper analysis and estimation of the future outcomes. That way, you can weigh all your options and make rational decisions.

Always go after practicality and logic for long-term benefits. Decisions driven by emotions are likely to backfire and cause more harm than good.

4.  Let Go

If you can’t control a situation, then you shouldn’t spend even a minute overthinking about it. One of the best ways to deal with separation stress is to let go and quit overthinking. You must utilize the time to find out what’s best for you and your future. Also, try to stay away from negative assumptions and quit overthinking the uncontrollable. Such habits can help you tackle these difficult times and curb stress. Apart from this, you need to step back and say no to any arguments with your ex-partner. While moving on from the relationship takes time, communicating with your ex over the irreparable stuff worsens it. Get some mental clarity and remind yourself not to look back.

Do your best to secure a promising future and take the past incidents as a lifelong lesson. All these measures can help in letting go and venturing into the mysterious life ahead.

5.  Exercise Daily

Another essential habit of incorporating into your life is an exercise routine. Staying active can reduce the levels of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Also, it contributes to a sense of accomplishment, nurtures your body, and limits negative emotions. Separation predisposes you to uncontrollable anger, aggression, and irritability. In such cases, you need a sweat-drenching workout to uplift your mood and stay positive.

Research suggests that exercise is the best way to deal with mental issues like anxiety and depression. Don’t forget to start with the beginner’s workout routine and deal with the mixed emotions like a pro.

Final Words

Divorce is the last thing that any couple wants to go through after tying the knots. Also, it can be quite stressful to deal with due to anxious thoughts and a feeling of vulnerability. If you’re unable to deal with the pain of separation, you must find out effective tips to tackle the issues. Start with understanding your emotions and make more room for positive ones. Also, you can practice self-care habits like reading books or taking a hot shower when you feel stressed. Include more movement in your routine to release stress and negative emotions.

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How Dads Can Take Care of Their Mental Health When Co-Parenting

Mental health

Co-parenting isn’t always smooth for everyone. Each co-parenting dynamic is different for each set of parents, meaning some situations are more challenging to navigate than others. Although disagreements over scheduling or subtle tension between yourself and your ex-partner may not seem like a big deal at first, constantly dealing with that underlying stress can take a significant toll on your mental health.

As June is Men’s Health Month, it’s essential to bring awareness to all aspects of men’s health, including mental well-being. Keep reading to learn more about how dads can stay mentally strong when co-parenting. But first, let’s take a look at the connection between men and mental well-being.

Men and Mental Health

Although society is making more ground in the mental health space, there is still a lot of work to be done. Stigmas surrounding mental health, especially for men, are still very prevalent. A lot of it stems from the assumption that “masculine” men shouldn’t ask for help and handle things independently. To ask for help is perceived as “weak.” Due to this stereotype, amongst many others, men are less likely to schedule doctor’s appointments. According to a survey done by Cleveland Clinic, 72 percent of men would rather do household chores, like cleaning the bathroom or mowing the lawn, than go to the doctor.

This is a problem as you cannot always deal with specific physical or mental health issues on your own. Consulting a trusted medical professional to help you develop a plan of action can help you address and sort out whatever is ailing you. Taking care of your mental health is extremely important if you have children seeing as it can affect everything from their development to their own mental health.

How Mental Health Affects The Kids

Mood Issues

It’s a common saying that kids are like sponges, and that isn’t necessarily wrong. Kids, especially young ones, soak up a lot of what their parents say and do, as well as how they feel. If you’re struggling mentally, whether you mean to or not, you may be passing your struggles off unknowingly on to your child. While mental disorders are not contagious, that doesn’t mean your child’s mood may not take a hit. Being around a parent who isn’t functioning at full capacity because of mental health struggles isn’t easy on anyone, let alone the child. Being with someone through the ups and downs of their health can be very taxing and affect their own mental health as long-term stress is usually a catalyst.

Behavioral Problems

A CDC article states that at least 1 in 4 children have a caregiver with mental health difficulties, meaning kids are more exposed to mental health issues than people may realize. If your child is acting out, it may be a result of your poor mental health. The helplessness children feel when they cannot help their parents, who are struggling mentally, can sometimes feel consuming and make them wonder what they’re doing wrong. Constantly feeling like things are out of their control or believing that they are the cause of your mental distress can result in them acting in ways that they normally would not.

How Mental Health Affects You

Your Self-Esteem

Mental health and self-esteem sometimes go hand in hand. When you’re dealing with bipolar disorder, anxiety, or depression, it’s common for negative thoughts to take over. As a dad, you may feel like you aren’t being a good enough parent or feel like you’re not good enough in general. Thoughts and feelings like this only serve to make your mental well-being worse, creating a cycle of negativity. Not only does stress affect the emotional side of things, but it can also affect more minor things that impact your self-esteem, like your hair, skin, and overall body image. For many, their appearance is their primary source of confidence, and when things are off, it can really affect you. Self-esteem and confidence issues can cause eating disorders, unhealthy lifestyle choices, and more.

Higher Risk For Disease

Mental illness is also usually a result of long periods of stress without reprieve during that time. This can put you at a higher risk of developing diseases like high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease since excessive stress is linked to a variety of health problems. If these problems are left unchecked, they can severely impact your quality of life causing you not to be able to function on the level that you’d like. Additionally, those who struggle with mental health may have a higher likelihood of turning to unhealthy outlets such as drugs and alcohol. This only serves to make matters worse as vices like alcohol worsen mood and health over time and only provide monetary satisfaction. This also won’t help your co-parenting situation, as excessive alcohol use is not conducive to a healthy home environment for your child.

Affects Co-Parenting

Mental health symptoms in men don’t always look like what is deemed “common” symptoms. For example, men who experience conditions like depression are often aggressive, angry, and/or irritable. While your mental health battles may cause your mood to fluctuate, your ex-partner may not know that. To them, you may seem like you’re in a never-ending bad mood, which can cause tension between the two of you. Tension often leads to a disagreement which isn’t ideal for people in a co-parenting relationship since you want to provide a healthy environment for your child or children. With that being said, while you don’t need to tell your ex-partner what you’re going through specifically, you still need to hold yourself accountable. If you are acting unlike yourself or feeling more irate than normal and it’s affecting your ability to co-parent, it’s your job to take the steps necessary to get the help you need.

Take Some Time

It won’t hurt to take some time for yourself every now and then. Many parents feel guilty when they’re spending time on or with their children, but they shouldn’t. Self-care is an integral part of overall wellness, including mental health. Sometimes your everyday life stressors like co-parenting can feel overwhelming, and you may need a break from it. On one of your off days away from your child, schedule some “me” time. Me time can mean a range of things and can be anything that you want. Men tend to shy away from self-care because of the notion that it’s all facials and bath bombs, however, it is not. While that may be self-care to some, it’s not what it has to look like for you. Your self-care day may look like taking a scenic drive or picking yourself up some of your favorite restaurant food. No matter what it is, take joy in doing something that is stress-free. This will give you much-needed time to rejuvenate before you see your child again.

Solutions To Try

Seeing as sometimes co-parenting may involve custody hearings, making sure your mental health is in optimal condition is essential. You need to show that you are mentally fit enough to take care of your child, so if co-parenting is the source of your mental distress, you should try and rectify the situation sooner rather than later.

Let It Go

A lot of the time, the tension between two parents comes from their previous relationship with each other. Depending on what happened, it can sometimes be hard to move on from situations despite having a child with that person. Every time you see them it can bring forward a bunch of emotions that you may not want to think about. However, sometimes releasing that anger or hurt is the best thing for you. Holding onto those negative feelings can lead to resentment building within the relationship, which doesn’t help you. It can be damaging to your mental well-being and it isn’t good for your child to see, hear or feel constant tension between you and your ex-partner. While it may be easier said than done to start things fresh, you should try to make an effort for your child. Because the most important thing is making sure your child has the best upbringing that they possibly can.

Talk Your Ex-Partner

This can mean a lot of different things depending on your situation. If you currently have a strenuous relationship with your ex-partner, try talking things out with them and coming to a truce. Don’t underestimate the power of a respectful and level-headed conversation. If you think you’re going to struggle to have a decent conversation with your ex-partner, consider getting a third party involved. A mediator can help you to have a productive conversation, and get things on the right track. Alternatively, if you still don’t want to see your ex-partner, you may benefit from tools that help separated parents communicate without being in-person to help mitigate potential problems. Aside from that, talking to your co-parent may also mean divulging when you need help. If you’re having a difficult time and need some time to work things out, let your ex-partner know so you can both come up with a plan that works best for your child.

Gain Confidence

Regain confidence in yourself and your parenting skills. With a lot of aspects of self-esteem, you have to remind yourself that you’re trying your best and that you are enough. Whether this means thinking positively about your parenting abilities or your overall life, make sure you remember the good you’re doing. Also, don’t forget to gain confidence in other aspects of your life too, since it can increase overall happiness. Struggling with your physical appearance can have a toll on your confidence, which can affect your overall well-being, so don’t let your insecurities run the show. Take charge and reinvent yourself. That new suit you wanted? Buy it and walk around confidently. Are you tired of your hair or lack thereof? Go to a salon or use a hair loss treatment to help make you feel like a new person. Whatever it may be, make sure you’re doing things that make you happy and gaining that confidence back to be the best parent you can be.

See A Therapist

Going to see a therapist is highly stigmatized. A lot of times people feel shameful if they seek out professional help as if there’s something wrong with it—there isn’t. Taking care of your mental health should never feel shameful or embarrassing. It will only serve to help improve your relationship with your ex-partner and better the upbringing for your child and that’s the most important thing. If you’ve never been to a therapist before, make sure you do your research. You want to make sure you’re going to someone who is professional and has your best interest at heart. Also, don’t feel as if you have to stay with one of your first, second, or even third therapist. You can switch as many times as you’d like until you find the right one.

Final Thoughts

Never be afraid to tell someone you trust about what you’re going through, no matter how big or small it may seem. Letting things out and letting someone know that you’re struggling is one of the best things you can do for your mental health. Sometimes all you need is a listening ear and someone to say that they understand. If you aren’t comfortable talking to a professional or a loved one, consider reaching out to an online support group to talk to people going

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What Does Gaslighting Look Like?

Gaslighting

In the US alone, a couple gets divorced about every 36 seconds. This amounts to 2,400 divorces each day. If you’re going through a tough time, you can at least know that you’re far from alone!

One of the common reasons for divorce is emotional abuse. Navigating this dynamic between yourself and your abuser can make an already difficult situation even trickier. However, in order to navigate it, you’ll need to first figure out whether or not your situation truly is one of gaslighting.

That’s why we’re here today to talk about gaslighting, what it looks like, and how you can get help. Read on for some help in identifying whether you’re a victim of gaslighting and what you can do to overcome your pain. 

What Is Gaslighting?

In the simplest terms, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that has to do with making the victim question their sanity. The abuser slowly and covertly will plant seeds of doubt in the mind of the victim. This will cause the victim to believe that they are misremembering things or making up things that didn’t happen.

Generally, this abuse tactic is a way for the abuser to remain in control. They make light of the victim’s beliefs and reassert that the gaslighter is stable while the victim is not.

One of the main gaslighting tactics is denying that something has occurred. For example, if the victim remembers the gaslighter saying or doing something harmful, the abuser may deny that this happens. They will convince the victim that they’re misremembering things and being a bad person that paints the gaslighter negatively.

If the abuser doesn’t flat-out deny that these situations happened, they may belittle the victim in other ways. A gaslighter may treat you like you’re blowing events out of proportion. They want you to think that your emotional reactions are too intense and that you are crazy for ‘overreacting.’

Sometimes, an abuser will stage dramatic and strange events surrounding you and your relationship. These events are meant to disorient and confuse you. Many times the abuser will also swoop in and ‘save’ you from this event that they caused in the first place. They will use this occurrence to prove that they are actually a nice person and are the only thing standing between you and more problems.

What Are Some Examples of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting comes in a lot of forms. However, the main examples of gaslighting come in the form of things that an abuser tells you. Some common examples of things that a gaslighter says include:

  • “You’re overreacting, you overreact to everything.”
  • “You just love to throw me off track.”
  • “I was just joking! You’re so sensitive.”
  • “You always are so dramatic.”
  • “No one believes you, so why should I?”

All of these phrases are red flags that gaslighting may be taking place.

Another example of gaslighting is when an abuser flat-out lies to you about a situation that happened.

For example, let’s say that your partner orders something online with a credit card that you never said they could use. They may say something like “you said I could borrow it and pay you back later, so I did.”

If you try to tell them they’re misremembering, they will become angry. You may not say anything at all. If you do, they may become angry and yell at you. This can cause you to question whether or not you actually remember things correctly.

Some gaslighting may seem like less of a big deal.

Let’s say that your partner loves brownies, so you decide to be nice and surprise them with a homemade batch. Your partner gets home and says, “I don’t really like brownies, but I do love cookies! That must be what you’re remembering. Well, next time!”

This may seem like a minor occurrence, but it’s part of a painful pattern. Your gaslighter is breaking you down and getting you to question reality in many ways. Even a seemingly innocuous occurrence like this is a big deal and should be taken seriously if you notice it.

What Are the Warning Signs?

In addition to these common phrases and persistent lying, there are also other signs of gaslighting. Many of these have to do with your feelings and behavior, but these changes are not your fault. Read on for some signs of gaslighting that you need to know so that you can better identify abuse.

You’re More Anxious, Depressed, and Isolated Than Usual

While mental health issues can stem from many factors, they are often a sign of gaslighting. This is because a gaslighter:

  • Knows how to make you blame yourself
  • Creates elaborate scenarios to prove their devotion to you
  • Tries to constantly keep you on your toes (a.k.a. anxious!)
  • Dismisses your feelings of unhappiness and guilt
  • Refuses to validate what you are going through
  • May keep you away from other loved ones (for fear that they see through their manipulations)

As you might imagine, all of these factors may make you feel alone and depressed. If you begin to notice your mental health deteriorating, it may be a good idea to assess your situation.

While worsening mental health isn’t always a sign of gaslighting, gaslighting almost always leads to mental health problems.

You Find Yourself Apologizing a Lot

One of the main side effects of anxiety is that you end up apologizing often. This is a concrete way that you can measure your self-doubt and anxiety. Much of the time, you’ll just be apologizing for existing because you’re scared. This should never happen, and it’s a sign of serious relationship problems.

If you notice that you have been apologizing persistently, take an objective look at the situation. Did you actually do anything to apologize for? Do you remember doing that thing?

If the answer to either of these questions is ‘no,’ you may be a gaslighting victim.

Many times, other loved ones will alert you to your excessive apologizing. Don’t brush these concerns off, but look inward and figure out why you are apologizing.

You’re Making a Lot of Excuses

People who are in abusive (or even just toxic) relationships often find themselves making excuses a lot. These excuses can be to absolve their partner of blame to third parties.

A lot of the time, people will say that it isn’t their partner’s fault that something happened and blame it on external factors. This happens even when external factors aren’t present. Those in toxic relationships want everyone to see only the good in their partner. When you’re being gaslit, this can lead to a lot of difficult lying on your part.

However, these excuses aren’t only things that you tell others. You also may make excuses for your partner’s behavior internally. Some examples are:

  • “She’s only late to events every single time because she is dealing with (possibly nonexistent) family.”
  • “I know that he lies, but it’s because he had a difficult childhood.”
  • “He only hurts me because he loves me.”

These are all thoughts that should give you pause.

Making Decisions is Really Hard

Gaslighters always make you question your decisions. As a result, you may find that making choices is really hard when you’re being gaslit. If you used to be confident in your decision-making skills but no longer are, take a moment to assess why this is the case.

Did someone make you feel that way? Be honest and don’t make excuses.

If the answer is ‘yes,’ it’s time to begin implementing coping strategies. This can help you to bring back your confidence.

How Can You Cope With Gaslighting?

Once you identify that you’re a victim of gaslighting, it’s important that you know what to do about it. Here, we’re going to discuss some ways that you can cope with having been gaslit. Read on for the most important things you can do to help yourself heal.

Don’t Second Guess Your Memory

Gaslighters love to make you question your memory. They love to sow the seeds of doubt until you no longer feel in control of your thoughts or your mind. One of the biggest impacts of this is that you no longer will trust your memory. This makes sense considering that they’ve told you over and over again that it’s failing you.

While it’s easier said than done, the first step towards healing is learning to trust your memory again. If you recall something happening, it probably did.

For a bit of additional validation, keep a daily journal of things that happen. When you begin to doubt something took place, look in the journal. The event will be right there and you’ll immediately have validated yourself!

Getting support from loved ones is critical in the healing process, but affirmation also needs to come from within. Next time you feel like asking another person (such as your gaslighter) to validate a thought or memory, look inward. Take a moment to affirm it for yourself instead of seeking external validation.

Practicing mindfulness is a great way to get in touch with your own mind as well. You’ve been through a terrible ordeal, so it’s only natural that you have a lot of feelings to process.

Let yourself experience both positive and negative emotions. Once you get in tune with these feelings, you can record them in your journal to become more in touch with them. This will teach you to identify and cope with your feelings and become more in touch with your mind and memory.

Stand Up for Yourself

Quashing doubt is a great way to support yourself internally. But what about showing your abuser that you respect yourself? What about eliminating all doubt that your memories, thoughts, feelings, and opinions are valid?

That will take a bit of work. Standing up for yourself is difficult, especially when you live with a gaslighter. However, it’s necessary, and it will likely show your abuser that you aren’t going to stand for their games anymore.

Some examples of things you could say include:

  • “That isn’t how I remember things.”
  • “That happened. I remember it happening.”
  • “Do not lie to me.”
  • “I remember that you said (x) on (y) occasion.”
  • “My feelings and perception of this situation are valid.”

It’s natural that you might struggle with saying these things at the beginning of your healing process. However, a professional can help.

Get Professional Help

No matter what you choose to do about the abuse, professional help for gaslighting is essential. A therapist can help you practice mindfulness and monitor your progress as you learn to validate yourself internally.

A professional can:

  • Help you hold your ground by refusing to take responsibility what the gaslighter has done
  • Ensure that you remember the facts and hold true to your truth
  • Assist you in fighting back on your own terms
  • Help you choose your battles
  • Go over your journal (if you want) and assess progress
  • Provide you with mindfulness activities

If you are forced to co-parent with your former gaslighter, professional help is even more important. A therapist can help you navigate the ins and outs of communicating with them. They also can help you to maintain your sanity when doing so.

Leave ASAP

Assuming that you aren’t already in the process of getting a divorce, you should leave the persistent gaslighter.

Pack up your things, walk out the door, and turn to supportive loved ones. Talk to a therapist. Never look back.

If there are kids involved, however, this may be more of a challenge. You still should separate, though, because your well-being is also a priority. You simply may need some professional tools to help you along.

2house’s platform allows you to communicate with the person you’re separating from about the welfare of your child. It’s optimized to help you organize the care and protect the well-being of your child while still letting you maintain distance from your ex. This distance is a good idea for most separated couples, but when dealing with someone who gaslit you, it’s essential.

Learn More

Being the victim of gaslighting is both painful and challenging. However, if you know where to look for help, you can begin to heal.

We’re happy to discuss your individual situation with you and point you in the direction of professional help. We also have many tools that help you manage your time and communication as you go through a divorce, including calendar, finance, and messaging applications.

We look forward to hearing from you soon!

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Maintaining Mental Health as a Single Parent During COVID-19

Mental health sigle parent

Much of the focus when it comes to the COVID-19 pandemic, which has been one of the defining factors of 2020, is physical health. We’ve heard a lot about possible symptoms, long-term effects, death rates and how to best protect yourself and those around you. But what about mental health? This pandemic has meant a huge shift in daily life, changing everything from how we grocery shop to how we do our jobs, and nothing has been left untouched. As a single parent, it can be even harder trying to deal with all of the changes, uncertainties and struggles alone. If you feel like your mental health has taken a hit in 2020, you’re not alone. Find out more about how the issues surrounding the pandemic are affecting mental health and what you can do to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

How the Pandemic Has Affected Mental Health

Both the World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control have noted that the pandemic and the measures people are being asked to do to combat its spread is having a serious mental health impact for many people. At the very forefront, there is the fear that comes from a new virus making its way through the human population. When the virus was first discovered, scientists didn’t yet know what its effect might be, how it spread or how long the incubation or recovery periods might be. Understandably, this led to many people experiencing fear and anxiety as they worried whether they would get infected or what would happen to the people they loved.

As scientists began to understand more about the virus, the world started to go into action to contain it and slow the spread. In the United States, this led to travel bans, mandatory business closings, K-12 schools being moved to remote learning and stay-at-home and quarantine orders. There were also areas that experienced widespread food and supply shortages. These major changes happening all at once only increased the anxiety and fear for many people, and for those who were now experiencing issues getting basic necessities, the mental health toll was even more severe. The closings also meant that many people were out of work, creating financial catastrophes — and even more stress — in the process.

Another key piece of the mental health aspect of COVID-19 is that quarantine measures and stay-at-home orders meant that many people were also suddenly extremely isolated from their support systems, such as friends, family members (who may have also acted as child care), churches and counselors. This isolation sparked an increase in anxiety and depression. For many, it was a double-edge sword, with less support but more expectations and pressure when it came to working from home and trying to take care of children and home responsibilities while also being available for video conferencing during business hours.

Even as many people have returned to work or started to adjust to life with the virus, there is still a large amount of uncertainty that looms ahead. How will this affect my co-parenting? What will school look like in the fall? What will happen when flu season comes around? Will there be a vaccine? Not knowing what’s coming down the road can be just as anxiety producing as dealing with something that is happening now, and all of this takes a huge toll on mental health.

Particular Struggles for Single Parents

While virtually no one has been left unchanged by the pandemic, single parents have been one of the hardest hit demographics when it comes to how much their lives have been disrupted. Single parents are usually the sole incomes for their households, which means if they were laid off or furloughed because of business closings, it had serious financial implications for their families. 

Single parents also rely on school and daycare for childcare, so even those whose employers stayed open may not have been able to continue working because of childcare issues. Those who were able to work at home remotely now faced the stress trifecta of taking care of children, working from home and trying to maintain the house — all alone as the only adult. 

Single parents have also faced outside pressure about taking children with them to grocery shops and not being able to juggle everything perfectly all the time. All of this can lead to chronic stress and anxiety as parents try to make sense of the information coming from the government and news media sources and try to make decisions that are in the best interests for the safety and well-being of their children. This has led many to put their own well-being, mentally, emotionally and physically, on the back burner — as single parents so often do.

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself

It’s clear from all sides that COVID-19 has had serious mental health implications for many people. However, it also looks like this virus is going to be around for at least the near future, so how can single parents continue to take steps to protect their mental health as we continue to see what the future will bring? These four tips can give you a starting place to start prioritizing your mental health on a daily basis.

1. Take an Inventory of Responsibilities

No matter what your children may think, you are not Superman or Wonder Woman. You cannot do it all — or at least not well — and realizing this is the first step toward less stress and better mental health. Carve out some time to have a meeting with the CEO of your family (that’s you), even if it has to be early in the morning before the kids wake up, late at night after they’re in bed or on your lunch hour. Make a list of everything (yes, everything!) that you have to do. Don’t forget things that may not be every day such as scheduling car maintenance or having a quarterly performance review with your boss. Consider organizing the list by home, work and child-related responsibilities, so you have a big-picture overview of everything that is on your plate right now. If this seems overwhelming, that’s because it probably is! But in the next steps, we’re going to discuss how to start trimming this list back into something more manageable.

2. Remove and Delegate Whatever You Can

Chances are, as a single parent, you already had a lot on your plate before a global pandemic arrived on the scene. If you feel like you’re running around trying to keep a million plates spinning, it might be time to let a few drop — even if that means that they shatter. Take that list you made from the above step and see if there is anything you can delegate to someone else or remove altogether. 

For example, if you have school-aged children, they are more than capable of helping with the household chores. Small children can dust baseboards and wipe down surfaces, while older kids can do dishes and laundry. This might seem small, but it could be enough to build some space into your life. You may also find some things on this list that you don’t actually need to be doing. Maybe you have a standing call with your sister on Friday mornings that is just a rehash of everything COVID that is doing more harm than help. 

3. Recognize That Your Self-Care May Not Look Like Someone Else’s

Self-care is a buzzword of the 21st century, but it is actually something that can make all the difference in your life. It’s easy as a single parent to always put your own needs and personhood on the back burner, but this isn’t healthy. It’s important to make time for yourself to help you recharge so you can better be there for the rest of your family. 

Social media and society would like to tell you that self-care should be hour-long bubble baths, expensive massages or a new painting hobby. However, this isn’t necessarily true. What you’re really trying to do with self-care is to come out of it feeling like you have a little more clarity and energy. Maybe this does mean a bath or massage for you, but it could just as easily mean watching your favorite TV show with snacks you don’t have to share or writing short stories for fun. 

4. Remember That These Are Extraordinary Times

No matter how hard you try, there will still be things that fall through the cracks or days where you feel like you can’t keep going. It’s important to remember that this is a major, once-every-hundred years event, and it’s OK — and totally normal even — to be struggling. As long as your children are healthy and reasonably happy, you’re doing a fantastic job, and that’s something that deserves to be recognized and celebrated.

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What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting

When two parents are working together to raise their children even after their romantic relationship has ended, we call this co-parenting. It’s a term you will hear quite a bit in family court, in divorce support groups and from mental health professionals. However, while co-parenting might be presented as the accepted default, it’s actually more of a gold standard, best case scenario situation. If you feel like you are having difficulties navigating co-parenting, it could be that this just doesn’t work for your specific set of circumstances, and you may need to consider other options, such as parallel parenting. In this article, we’ll explore what parallel parenting is, how it differs from co-parenting, what situations it can be helpful in and how to start implementing it in your life.

The Difference Between Co-Parenting and Parallel Parenting

While co-parenting and parallel parenting both refer to working with an ex to parent your children together, the two terms are not interchangeable. At its core, co-parenting refers to a partnership. Co-parents are able to talk to each other about issues that are coming up and collaborate on decision-making and what’s in the best interests of the children without it devolving. Co-parenting can be a challenge in the beginning for anyone, but it’s something that often comes more naturally with time and as the parents get more space from their relationship and redefine that relationship in terms of a business partnership or even as friends. 

Parallel parenting, on the other hand, refers to the two parents coming at the situation from a place of mutual respect but they don’t interact much beyond visitation transitions or when something absolutely must be decided jointly. Parallel parenting focuses mostly on the idea of “you do what works for you and I’ll do what works for me.” For example, in a co-parenting situation, the two parents may work together to decide on a bed time, curfew or other house rules that work for and are implemented at both houses. However, with parallel parenting, each parent is usually creating their own set of rules for their own home, and they stay out of any decisions made on the other parent’s time.

When Does the Situation Call for Parallel Parenting?

So, how do you know whether you just need to give co-parenting attempts a little more time or if it’s time to switch to parallel parenting? Here are just a few examples of situations and signs that parallel parenting may serve you better.

Communication Isn’t Good

Communication is key to any successful co-parenting relationship, and while there will always be bumps in the road or things that you don’t immediately agree on, co-parents are able to navigate these issues as a team. If you find that communication with the other parent often devolves into personal attacks or belittlement or if you’re seen as an adversary instead of a teammate, co-parenting may not be an option. Co-parenting is also extremely difficult if not impossible if there is no communication. If your attempts to involve the other parent are met with unanswered phone calls and no responses to emails or text messages, you may need to switch to parallel parenting. 

There Are Too Many People Involved

Sometimes, you may find that what was a positive co-parenting relationship starts to sour when other people get involved. This could be new friends, new spouses or family members, but if the other parent is suddenly being influenced by others, it can change the nature of co-parenting. While it’s definitely worth trying to talk to the other parent one-on-one if you think this may be the issue and see if you can get back on a good co-parenting track, it’s not always possible. This is common when one parent remarries and then has to consider the new spouse in parenting decisions for their household as well. 

The Relationship Was Toxic

While co-parenting is held as the goal, parallel parenting may be the better choice for your mental or even physical health if your relationship was toxic, was abusive or involved substance use issues. For co-parenting to work, both parties must be equally invested and responsible for the decisions and well-being of the children. This has to be the focus 100% of the time. However, those who are abusive or are suffering from the effects of an addiction may not be able to put the children’s needs first or empathize and work together with the other parent for mutually agreeable decisions. In these cases, it’s often the healthiest option to limit contact as possible with the other parent and focus on making sure the children are safe and well taken care of.

The Basics of Parallel Parenting

You’ve determined that co-parenting might not be the best for your situation and want to give parallel parenting a try. Great! But how do you start? Here are four key ways to start shifting to successful parallel parenting.

1. Keep Communication As Needed and Neutral

You won’t be able to just stop communicating with the other parent completely, but you can start focusing that communication in a different direction. Instead of trying to tackle issues as joint decisions, the focus becomes more on informing the other parent of things they absolutely must know about — think doctor’s appointments, sports schedules and illnesses — and sticking to neutral, fact-based information. You can make this even easier by using the messaging and calendar features in 2houses. Using the messaging feature in the app gives you a record of all communication sent and received and means you don’t have to worry about texting or emailing. You can add events, practices, games and even the visitation schedule to the calendar so that each parent has everything they need at a glance, eliminating the need for last-minute “what time is that thing again?” texts.

2. Shift Communication to the Impersonal

Communication should also be focused on the facts and be as objective and neutral as possible. Parallel parenting is often used in situations where one person refuses to communicate in a collaborative way, so this can be difficult if the other person is being combative, demeaning or threatening. Focusing on the gray rock or yellow rock method can help. This is when you make a point not to respond to any personal attacks or comments and focus the communication only on the kids.

For example, if after a drop off, the other parent texts you to question why the kids haven’t had a bath or says that they are dirty, you can choose to not respond at all — because this isn’t directly related to the children’s immediate care — which would be the gray rock option. Or you could say something like, “The children took showers this morning.” This would be the yellow rock option, which means that you’re responding but keeping things neutral and factual and not taking the bait.

3. Control What You Can

In parallel parenting, it’s very important to clearly define the scope of things that are within your control. This usually means the decisions that are taking place in your house or during your time, but if you have specific provisions in your custody agreement, such as you get to make education decisions, this would also be included. For the things that are in your control, set very specific boundaries and hold to them. When both parents aren’t on the same page, which is usually the reason for parallel parenting in the first place, children often try to play one parent against the other or try to bend the rules based on “well, Dad lets me at his house.” By clearly outlining what is and is not OK at your house and on your time and sticking to them, your children will better know what to expect and be aware that trying to play the other parent card doesn’t do any good.

4. Let Go of What You Can’t

On the flip side of the “control what you can” point, we have the things that are not within your control. And this is usually when we’re talking about the decisions that are made on the other parent’s time or at the other parent’s house. For example, maybe you have a strict 9 p.m. bedtime for the kids at your house, but when they spend the week at their mom’s, they can stay up as late as they want, even if it’s a school night. In a co-parenting situation, this would mean a conversation with both parents and a discussion that ended in an agreement on a bedtime that would work for and be enforced in both houses. However, with a parallel parenting situation, this would be something you would just have to let go — because you’re not likely to convince the other parent that the lack of bedtime isn’t reasonable and it would likely just lead to even more conflict. 

Parallel parenting and the gray/yellow rock methods can be very helpful in cases where positive co-parenting isn’t an option, but it does take practice to get comfortable with it. Remember that nothing is perfect from the beginning and that there will be some missteps, but how you move forward from those continues to set the tone.

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Co-Parenting With a Narcissist – Learn How to Deal

Co-parenting

Many people don’t hear the word narcissist to describe their partner until well after the relationship has ended, but once they start learning more about this type of personality disorder, a lot of what happened with the relationship, the breakup and the attempts at co-parenting after starts to make sense.

The Mayo Clinic defines a narcissist as someone who has “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” Learn more about this type of behavior and some tips on how to deal with a co-parent who is a narcissist.

4 Signs You May Be Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

How do you recognize a narcissist? The general traits are lack of empathy, a disregard for other people’s feelings and an extreme need for approval and attention from others. But what does this look like when it comes to the co-parenting relationship? Here are just a few of the common signs of a narcissist co-parent.

1. The Blame Is Always on You

Narcissists often live in a world where they can do nothing wrong and any issue is always the other person’s fault. In co-parenting situations, this can manifest in a variety of ways, but one of the most common is surrounding scheduling issues. For example, they cancelled a weekend with no notice, but they send you a message saying that you just make it too hard for them to see the kids. Or they miss a recital and blame you for not telling them about it even though the information was readily available to them.

2. They Lie

Narcissists are not known for their honesty, and they often lie with little regard to the consequences it has for other people. A narcissistic parent might say they are on their way to pick up the children only to inform you an hour later that they aren’t coming at all, or they might promise the kids a big birthday party only to go away on a solo trip that weekend.

3. They Seem to Enjoy the Conflict

Co-parenting has its conflicts no matter how good the overall relationship is, but narcissists often create conflict where there isn’t any and actually enjoy the attention and focus that comes from that conflict. For example, maybe the other parent has asked to switch you weekends and you’ve agreed. The narcissist parent may then try to create drama by saying something like, “I don’t know why you don’t want me to see the kids.” This creates confusion for the healthy parent because they have given the other parent what they want but is being accused of something that’s not happening. These tactics are often referred to as gaslighting.

4. They Use the Children Against You

One of the most common characteristics of a narcissistic parent is that they use the children as weapons against the other parent. They might insist on using the children to communicate messages that should be sent directly from parent to parent even after being asked not to, or they may threaten to treat the children badly or disappoint them as a way to punish the healthy parent for establishing boundaries.

For example, the narcissist is texting you several times a day, telling you what a bad parent you are or how you aren’t doing a good job. You decide to start ignoring the messages and not responding. The narcissist might escalate their behavior by refusing to come get the children for their weekend because you wouldn’t “communicate” even though answering those texts had nothing to do with the visit. In this case, the narcissist is trying to make you feel bad or guilty for not doing what they wanted you to do because now the children will be disappointed that they are missing their visit.

Another common tactic with this is to speak negatively about the healthy parent to the children. Narcissist parents might tell their children how sorry they are that the other parent isn’t a good parent or tell them that the other parent lies, does drugs or any manner of other things that aren’t true but are designed to make the child question the healthy parent.

Strategies for Parallel Parenting

We talk a lot about co-parenting at 2Houses, but there are times where it’s just not possible. A situation where one parent is a narcissist, or is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, is one of those times. Co-parenting requires both parents to be actively putting the children’s needs and interests above their own and to be mature enough to be able to have a cooperative, civil relationship with the other parent. With narcissists, this usually is not the case.

So, what can you do to improve the parenting situation when you are dealing with a narcissist? One of the best strategies to use is called parallel parenting. Basically, it’s taking an approach that — as much as possible — what happens at their house is their business and what happens at your house is yours. Here, we provide some tips for making parallel parenting work.

1. Practice Gray Rock

If you haven’t heard of gray rock before, it probably sounds a little weird. But it comes from the premise that narcissists need fuel from the other parent in the form of emotion. Narcissists actively try to get you emotional so that you will be upset, be angry or lash out. Now, think about a gray rock you might see in your yard or at the park. It’s not very interesting, right? All one color, nothing remarkable about it. This is your goal when dealing with narcissists — to become like a gray rock.

This isn’t as easy as it first seems because, again, a narcissist’s main goal is to get you upset, and they are usually very good at it. Couple that with the fact that this person has been in a very close relationship with you for probably a substantial amount of time, and they know just what to do to get that reaction from you.

When you’re trying to gray rock, focus on being as unemotional as possible and responding with facts. Try to stay out of arguments, responding only when there are direct questions relevant to the children that you must answer. The less you can communicate with a narcissist the better.

2. Set Yourself Up for as Little Contact as Possible

Even parallel parenting requires a certain amount of coordination with the other parent, but again, the less contact you have with the narcissist the better. This is where the 2Houses co-parenting app becomes a very useful tool. It allows you to put all of the information, such as important dates, sports schedules, reimbursement requests and even scheduling issues all on the app, removing the direct contact between you and the other parent.

By doing this, the other parent doesn’t need to ask you for things like Social Security numbers or insurance information — those things will already be in the information bank that they can access with you. If the other parent does send messages about this type of information, you can reply with a simple, “It’s in the information bank on the app” — a very gray rock response.

In extreme cases, you may also need to limit contact to only the app and refuse to communicate through phone calls, texts or emails. Some family court judges even mandate this type of in-app communication in high-conflict cases now because there is an instant and easily accessible record of when messages were sent, when they were read and what was in them.

3. Have a Conversation With Your Children

Whether you suspect the other parent is a narcissist or you know they have been diagnosed as such, it’s important not to tell your children this or otherwise speak negatively about the other parent. However, it is a good idea to explain to them matter of factly and without emotion how you are going to handle things.

For example, maybe your children complain at your house that they have a bedtime while at the other parent’s house, they are allowed to stay up as late as they want. You can just explain that “there are different rules for different houses” or simply state that you can’t do anything about what happens over there so you are just going to focus on how things are in your own home.

Children are quick to figure out many of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics including gaslighting, speaking negatively about the healthy parent, pitting siblings against each other or using the children as pawns to get to the other parent. The best thing you can do is model healthy behavior, refuse to engage with the narcissist and let your children know that you are there for whatever they need.

For more information on what makes 2Houses special and how it can help you co-parent with a narcissist, check out our features explanation and contact us today.

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Why do you feel depressed after a separation?

2houses - web & mobile app for divorce with kids - why do you feel depressed after divorce

You are divorced and you feel sad, frighten and lost?

Divorce and depression unfortunately are going hand to hand.

With an increasing number of couples getting divorced each year, depression is becoming more and more common and is considered as one of the most traumatic and stressful experience in a person’s life, and for some men and women, none is more stressful than a divorce.

At the end of your relationship, you are faced with difficult changes in your life, and it is normal to feel sad and even miserable.

You may feel as if you’ll never love anyone the way that you loved your husband and wife…

The sense of loss can be comparable to the pain of losing a loved one. In fact, it is the death of your marriage.

But sometimes these feelings can progress to something more serious: depression.

The effects of depression after a divorce are very varied.

You can be so destabilizing that you feels with no energy and no desire to do anything…

Hopelessness, anxiety and inappropriate guilt can lead to a loss of interest in formerly interesting things.
Changes in sleep patterns with tiredness, loss or increase of appetite, weight loss or gain, irritable, crying, lack of energy and sometimes thoughts of death are the main characteristics of depression after being divorced.

Divorce can be tough, but there are things you can do to help yourself start to feel better!

Transformations will not happen overnight, so be patient with yourself and above all realize that it is possible to move on with your life!!

Whether you are feeling low or have been diagnosed with symptoms of depression, these tips can help you!

Read more on Psychcentral.com