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Challenges of Coparenting in Military Families

coparenting in military families

Military life is challenging yet rewarding. The same can be said for coparenting. 

Since 2001, two million American children have experienced a parental deployment. At least half of these children also experience a separation between their parents. 

This is why coparenting in military families is so important. Separated parents must come together and make sure their kids receive full support. Yet coparents often experience many hurdles as they raise their kids. 

Understanding what those hurdles are is the first step toward overcoming them. Here is your guide to the challenges of coparenting in a military family. 

Separation Proceedings

Divorce is difficult enough for anyone. It is especially difficult for active-duty personnel because of the lack of communication they have with their spouse. 

If you are on active-duty, understand your rights under the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act. You can obtain a postponement of legal proceedings if your service affects your ability to engage with the divorce case. When you request this protection, you can automatically receive a 90-day stay. 

If you are a military spouse requesting a divorce, you should still file for a divorce as soon as possible. Keep in mind that it may take time for your partner to respond. 

Both parties should talk to a lawyer who specializes in working with military families. Some law firms offer services for “military divorce.” These services do not differ substantially from civilian divorce, but the term can indicate experience with military members. 

Some military bases have legal assistance attorneys. They can write letters and review legal documents for active-duty personnel. 

But they cannot represent personnel in a divorce hearing. The personnel must find a different attorney. 

The person who is initiating the divorce should file in the state where they live. A service member who has been living in a state for six months can file for a divorce in that state. 

A military spouse can continue to receive military benefits while the divorce case is ongoing. The two parties can communicate with each other. 

Both parties should also remain in contact with their children. Even an amicable divorce can be stressful for kids. 

Affirm that you love them and will spend time with them. Give them books that explain divorce at their level. 

Custody Arrangements 

There are several ways you can consider custody in a military family. Many couples decide on joint custody, even while one parent remains on active duty. In these arrangements, the civilian parent watches over the children while the servicemember is working. 

If both parents are on active duty, they must decide together where their children will live. They can live with a relative or a guardian that both parents decide upon. 

There are several modes of joint custody, including legal custody. The children can spend more time with one coparent. But both can possess the same amount of legal rights. Make sure to look through all of your options before deciding on the best form for you.  

Some spouses decide on sole custody for the civilian parent. The military parent does not have a say in major decisions for their children.

But they do have visitation rights. Both parties should negotiate on when the military parent can visit and how much contact they should have. 

They should also decide on child support. It is up to the coparents to decide on how the military parent should pay.

A child can live with their parent on a military base. This is not ideal for a separated couple, but it is possible if necessary. 

The military parent should have a way of sending the money on time and in full. They can wire the money electronically or they can send a physical check. 

If the servicemember has full custody, they should designate other family members to take care of their children. They should also provide visitation access for the other coparent. 

Drafting Parenting Plans 

Coparenting is possible with a military family. But both coparents need to help draft a nuanced parenting plan. 

The biggest factor is communication. A coparent may be deployed to an area without easy communication. You need to consider how the parent can remain in contact with their child. 

Some organizations offer letter-writing programs for soldiers. If you or your child is not acquainted with letter writing, start practicing.  

A plan should cover travel arrangements. A service member can receive an assignment to another duty station with little notice. They could also be sent back home. 

The plan can ask both parents to set aside money so the member can return home. It can spell out how the military parent will transport themselves. 

What happens when the military parent returns should be defined. They should know where they are going to live and how they can see their children. 

You should also consider how grandparents and other family members are involved. You should loop them in on the plan you are forming. If you need them to watch over the children or provide support, you should specify that.

It may take some time to hash out the details. Don’t rush things. Talk things over carefully with the other party. 

Creating and Revising a Family Care Plan 

A Family Care Plan is separate from a parenting plan. It is a document that all service members who have children must file. It is designed for caretakers who do not have a military background but will take care of the children.

You should have a caregiver in mind when drafting one. You must name them and provide their contact information. If the caregiver is not the child’s other parent, you should describe the other parent. 

Detail the arrangements they should make for daily activities. This includes how the caregiver should pick your children up from school. You can also describe extracurricular events. 

In addition to logistics and monetary arrangements, you should provide medical arrangements. Include copies of your children’s medical records and insurance forms. You can discuss religious arrangements if they are important. 

It is important to keep your plan up to date. As your children grow up and their arrangements change, you should edit your plan. You can change caregivers if you need to. 

After a separation, you should absolutely update your plan to reflect your new arrangements. You should include information about what your custody, visitation, and child support rights are. 

If your children are old enough, you can consult with them on your plan. Talk with them about what arrangements they want. 

A Family Care Plan is distinct from a last will and testament. Service members are not required to draft one, but the military strongly advises it. 

Coping 

People struggle with a range of emotions after going through a separation. Some people experience grief as if someone close to them died. Others feel a sense of relief or excitement. 

Take all the time you need to process your emotions. Spending time with your children can help, especially after the separation process is over.

But give time for yourself and your friends as well. You are in no rush to get over the feelings you are experiencing. 

If your feelings impair your ability to work or take care of yourself, seek help. Servicemembers can request non-medical counseling. They can talk to an experienced counselor about coping strategies and the next steps. 

Do not ask for reassignment or deployment so you can take your mind off your separation. You should try to keep working, but don’t make sudden changes to your life. This may make you feel worse. 

When coparenting, the two exes often remain in contact with each other. This can be awkward. When one person is overseas, communications can be indirect or delayed. 

When you talk to your ex, be as respectful as possible. Keep the conversation short and then move on with your day.

Try not to dwell on negative emotions. Do not get into an argument with them. 

Separation can cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder to flare up. Talk to a psychiatrist if you have ongoing PTSD. You can take medications or adopt therapies that can help you manage your symptoms. 

Doing Things With Your Kids

Spending time with your kids after a separation can be difficult. They may want to talk about the absent coparent.

Explain the absence in brief terms. Be honest but don’t be too specific. Make sure your kids know how much you love them and tell them you will not abandon them. 

Many children are curious about their parent’s military service. This may be difficult for you to talk about.

Keep things light. Talk about funny things that happened during your service. Tell a few short stories instead of long dramatic ones. 

Let your coparent talk about their service. Don’t make guesses as to what they did or didn’t do. 

Make an adventure out of your time with your kids. Go to an amusement park or a nature preserve. Visit the aquarium and eat at their favorite pizzeria. 

You can have your child visit you on a military base. Create an experience that they will remember. 

Make the time you have with them about them. Give them an experience they will remember positively. Project as much positive emotion as you can. 

Try to keep whatever else you are feeling to yourself. Go to a friend, coworker, or medical professional if you have strong feelings of anxiety or guilt.  

Finding New Partners

You do not have to pursue another relationship until you are ready. It is best to calm down and put some distance between yourself and the separation. 

Many people find a new relationship after separating from an old one. You can continue to coparent while living with another partner. 

Maintain boundaries amongst yourself, your new partner, your ex, and your children. You should discuss your new relationship with your ex. Address concerns that they might have and discuss how involved your partner should be in parenting. 

Your ex may not be happy with your partner. Limit contact between the two of them. If your relationship gets serious, do stand your ground, but avoid making things difficult at first. 

Talk to your children before you introduce them to your partner. Allow them to adapt to the new situation through time. Inform your partner about what your child is feeling. 

Consider how much of a coparenting role you want your new partner to have. In particular, consider if you would like your partner to discipline your child. Have a conversation about how you and they discipline children. 

If your partner isn’t willing to step into a parenting role, you can still maintain your relationship. Wait to introduce them to your children.

Your partner may or may not be a service member. It can be difficult to maintain a relationship while both partners are on duty. Do your best to facilitate your relationship with them. 

Your children can engage with you, your new partner, and their other biological parent. Tell your child that they can spend time with all three of you. If they don’t want to spend time with one person, tell them that they don’t have to. 

Coparenting in Military Families

Coparenting in a military family is possible. Affirm your child while you are undergoing a separation. Remain in contact with them as much as possible. 

Set up custody arrangements and parenting plans. Provide specific details on how your child will be cared for. 

Take the time you need to cope with your separation. Touch base with your child and spend time with them. Be careful introducing your new partner to them. 

Coparenting is a marathon, not a sprint. 2Houses provides the facts you need. Read this guide on being a great coparent while having feelings for your ex.

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Co-Parenting a Conflictual Siblings Relationship: A Complete Guide

conflictual siblings relationship

If you have more than one child, sibling rivalry is almost inevitable. The reasons for sibling rivalry are plentiful. As are the behaviors that arise as a result of a conflictual siblings relationship.

Managing this conflict alongside managing co-parenting challenges can feel impossible. But you’re not alone.

Many single parents deal with sibling rivalry. Many more deal with it alongside another co-parent. You just need the right information and techniques to do so.

Our complete guide will take you through everything you need to know about sibling conflict and how to resolve it as a co-parent.

What Causes Sibling Rivalry?

We’ll start by saying sibling rivalry is common in all types of family units. Whether that family has married parents, divorced parents, or one parent, one constant remains — sibling rivalry.

It is most common in families where children are of the same gender and close in age. In fact, identical twins are believed to struggle the most with sibling rivalry.

All this is to say, the cause of sibling rivalry is not often the parents or family dynamic. Although, there is obviously less sibling rivalry in homes where children feel they are treated equally.

Knowing the cause of sibling rivalry can help you figure out how to address it. The most common factors are as follows:

Birth Order

It’s true the most common sibling rivalries occur when children are closest in age. But birth order also makes a difference.

This is because the birth order of your children has an impact on them as individuals. Studies have shown this to be true many times. This impact will affect their relationship with you and their siblings. 

The characteristics associated with birth orders influence the likeliness of sibling rivalry. For example, firstborn children tend to be perfectionistic and may feel threatened by a new sibling. While second-born children tend to avoid conflict and be more in tune with other people’s emotions.

There’s no guarantee your children will follow these characteristic patterns. But you can see how these behaviors could create more conflict between siblings as personalities clash.

It’s also worth noting your own sibling position in your family impacts how you treat your children. Your experiences growing up as a first, middle, or youngest child will all affect how you treat your children.

For example, you may find it easier to relate to your oldest child if you were also the oldest child. This isn’t a bad trait, but it can cause jealousy. 

Age Difference

We mentioned age difference as a factor above, but it’s worth expanding on. Age difference affects the intensity of the rivalry.

This is because siblings close in age tend to have more access to each other. This increased access means they’re more likely to get into physical fights. While siblings further apart in age tend to spend less time with each other.

The ages of your children will also affect the likelihood of sibling rivalry. At preschool age, children are in a dog-eat-dog developmental phase. This increases the chance of conflicts. 

The good news is as children develop and grow older, conflicts should decrease. School-aged children are in a law-and-order developmental phase. They can recognize and enforce fairness.

High school-aged children have developed conscience. They should also have developed conflict resolution techniques. This means they’re less likely to fight and parents are less likely to need to intervene.

Temperament

Every child has their unique temperament. From cheeky to laid-back to challenging, we all characterize our children in some way. It’s a totally normal thing for parents to do.

But because of these temperaments, parents may treat their children differently, as may their siblings. More laid-back or easy children will annoy their siblings and parents less, thus decreasing conflict. While more challenging children will do the opposite and increase potential sibling conflict. 

Gender

In some families, a child of one sex is preferred. This may only be by one parent, as opposed to both.

Regardless, children who are not the preferred gender will notice. As will the child who is the preferred gender. This unequal treatment is bound to create rivalry and increase conflict between siblings.

Physical Influences

All humans are affected by physical factors, but this is never truer than in childhood. Physical factors like tiredness, hunger, and illness will all affect sibling relationships. Even children who get on well may suddenly transform into siblings who always fight.

Other physical influences include living conditions. A messy or chaotic home will create more stress for children. Even sharing a room may increase how often children interact and may increase fights.

In co-parenting situations, where siblings share a room at one home and not the other, this complicates the issue further. There may be instances of fighting siblings at one home and not at the other. This can make single parents feel like they’re the issue when it often isn’t the case.

Parenting Style

All of the above said, parenting style does affect the likelihood of sibling conflict. Parenting styles tend to range from very aggressive on one end to very lax on the other.

Either style will increase the chance of sibling conflict. Aggressive styles may see that behavior modeled in their children’s treatment of each other. Lax styles may feel lacking in structure or attention and may fight more.

Transitional Times

Big life changes are inevitable. Children learn to cope with these as they develop and through experiencing them firsthand. Whether it’s a new baby, a divorce, or a house move, children react to change.

This reaction may come in the form of issues with siblings intensifying. It’s important to recognize when your child is going through a big change and plan accordingly.

This doesn’t mean cutting them slack altogether. But instead, teaching them how to express and navigate these feelings in a healthier way.

How to Mend a Conflictual Siblings Relationship

To effectively address a conflictual siblings relationship, it’s so important to start with the cause. From here, recognize the behaviors that have arisen as a result of it, to figure out how to address it.

The most common behaviors from a conflicted sibling relationship included:

  • Name-calling
  • Poking
  • Blaming
  • Lying
  • Stealing from each other
  • Bickering
  • Teasing
  • Arguing
  • Tattling
  • Hiding each other’s belongings
  • Breaking each other’s belongings
  • Hitting
  • Throwing things
  • Kicking
  • Biting

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Any parent can tell you that children find creative ways to torment each other!

The silver lining is that some sibling rivalry is beneficial to children’s development. Children learn to deal with power struggles and resolve conflicts. They also learn to negotiate and compromise when needed.

However, that doesn’t make the behavior acceptable to ignore. Some of this behavior is easy to tackle using normal parenting techniques like timeouts or warnings. Whereas more aggressive behavior, or more frequent displays of these behaviors, may be more concerning.

To begin with, manage your expectations. Ideally, you will do this between both parents. Sit down and discuss what realistic relationships your children may have.

For example, it is unrealistic to expect children to get on all the time. But it is not unrealistic that children know how to share with each other. 

Once you figure out a reasonable expectation of behavior, you need to approach it as a team. This means presenting a united front, whatever your own issues, and being consistent. It can also help you know when to intervene.

The easiest way to know how and when to intervene is with a traffic light system.

The Traffic Light System

Knowing when to intervene in children’s squabbles stops them from turning into a full-blown argument. The traffic light system is a simple technique. It’s designed to help you reflect on your children’s behavior and think about what your children need from you.

We’ll use examples to explain each step.

Green Light

Green light behavior would be normal sibling behavior. Things like minor name-calling, copying each other, or bickering would all fall under this light.

This is natural behavior and nothing to worry about. You don’t need to intervene. Only if your children escalate behavior should alarm bells start ringing.

Yellow Light

The same behavior that was fine a moment ago has escalated. The names have become a bit nastier and you can tell there is some upset. The volume has increased and maybe there has even been minor physical content.

This is the first point you should step in, but not to discipline. Hear each child out and acknowledge their feelings. Reflect on their views and encourage them to do the same.

This should resolve the issue as they feel they have been heard. But you can also encourage them to move on and change the topic to something else.

Orange Light

Orange light behavior sits on the borderline between play-fighting and real fighting. It can often be difficult to tell which children are doing. It can also change in a moment, from play-fighting to real fighting. 

Don’t barge in and demand they stop. Ask whether it’s play or real fighting. Make sure to hear both children out.

If it is play-fighting the break may help them reset to calmer behavior. If it’s escalated to a real fight, help them with conflict resolution, as in the step above.

Red Light

Red light behavior is unacceptable behavior that needs immediate, firm intervention. This could include a physical fight or emotional harm.

In these instances, stop your children and separate them physically if needed. If a child is injured, tend to that child first. Review the rules with both children and impose a consequence as needed. 

Consequences could include time out or confiscating an item thrown. But it’s important to make sure consequences are enforced fairly in each circumstance.

The key to making the traffic light system work is figuring out what your children need from you. Ask yourself why a behavior may be occurring and how your children might resolve it. This will help you know when to intervene.

Consistent Co-Parenting

As we said above, the key to managing conflicting siblings as co-parents is to behave with consistency. This means you have established rules, techniques, and consequences in both households.  

This creates structure for children. Some poor sibling rivalry behavior may still occur, but it will decrease with age and time. It also gives you the tools to manage it which can help you feel more confident.

It can help to come up with family rules to refer back to. These can be agreed upon between parents and even displayed in both homes. You can come up with these with the kids, all together as one unit. 

Common rules would include treating each other with respect, no hitting, and no tattling. But figure out what works best for you and your family.

We all know positive reinforcement goes a lot further than negative reinforcement. So it’s important both parents encourage healthy sibling relationships.  

This means being fair and not showing favoritism, as well as treating children as unique individuals. Encourage communication of feelings wherever possible and praise good communication and kindness.

In co-parenting relationships, it’s common for children to play one parent off the other if they feel they can. Regular, private communication between you and your co-parent is so important for this very reason. It stops this behavior in its tracks and lets your child know it won’t work.

Difficult Co-Parenting Relationships

It should go without saying, many co-parenting relationships are less than ideal. While all of the above advice is helpful if your co-parent is cooperative, it’s not the case for everyone.

In these instances, you can still use the same techniques above in your household. Creating harmony, consistency, and structure in your home will help your children achieve their best behavior. It may take much longer due to a lack of consistency with the other parent.

The easiest way to explain this to your children is by being transparent. Explain you know there are different rules, but these are the rules and expectations at your home. 

Keep It Consistent

It’s important to remember that conflictual siblings relationships are normal. They can be resolved by getting to the root of the problem. Then, applying consistent, fair techniques to address unwanted behavior from both co-parents.

You can find more helpful advice for many common co-parenting issues on our blog.