July 2020 - WordPress

15 July 20207 July 2020

Back to School and Coparenting After COVID-19

It’s safe to say that 2020 has been a landmark year so far, and it’s not over yet. From the first mentions of coronavirus at the beginning of the year to layoffs, stay-at-home orders and school closings, it seems like there’s nothing left untouched by the virus. Summer is offering some a brief respite, but parents across the country are starting to eye the impending 2020-2021 school year and wonder what it will look like.

When it comes to COVID-19 and co-parenting, the only thing we know for sure is that we don’t know exactly what’s coming or what will happen in the future. But considering the possibilities and putting into place some contingency plans for back to school can help parents feel more prepared and ease some of the fears and uncertainty children are experiencing.

What Are School Districts Doing?

While every part of the country is known for its own specific way of doing things, what school looks like this fall is going to depend heavily on where you’re located. Many of the shutdowns and orders were state-specific, but as the country continues to attempt to reopen and deal with the possible second wave of infections, many governors are making county-by-county decisions. In this case of school openings, in particular, many decisions are being left up to the individual districts. School districts are getting lists of recommendations from the Centers for Disease Control and the governor and then being told to implement them however works best for their students. This means that your children could be dealing with a remote learning situation, while three blocks away in another district, the children are going to school five days a week.

If you’re not sure what your district is planning yet, it could be because they don’t know yet either. Many districts are still formulating plans and trying to come up with multiple options so that they can change on the fly if there is a second wave or shutdowns need to happen again this fall. Make sure that you are subscribed to whatever method the school is using to communicate updates or changes, as this will likely happen as we move into flu season. Some districts have moved to social media while others are still using robocall lines, and if you’re not on the list, you won’t get the update.

Three Primary Possibilities

Most school districts across the country are creating multiple plans so that they can adjust if need be without the major disruption that happened this spring. Below are the three most common options being discussed.

Traditional Schooling — With Some Changes

This would be school as close to normal as we could get. Children would go to school for a full week and have in-person instruction as normal. However, the routines and environment surrounding that instruction is likely to look a little different. Many districts are considering requiring teachers and staff to wear masks, having fewer children in one room together and not bussing as many children in. Other requirements may include no shared supplies, not moving between classes for older students who tend to switch teachers for every grade and no recess time.

In this scenario, the change to the co-parenting or custody schedule is likely to be very small or not at all.

Remote Schooling

Remote schooling is the other end of the spectrum. This would be 100% online instruction similar to what many families dealt with schools shut down earlier this year. However, many districts are putting more time and effort into this option, so it would likely look different from the “crisis schooling,” with real lessons and virtual contact with teachers and less support and interaction needed from parents.

This option could cause serious disruption for co-parenting families where both parents are working and not able to be home with the children during school hours. While remote learning should require less from parents than crisis schooling, young children will still need to be kept on task and supervised during the day.

Hybrid Models

Many districts are considering a hybrid model, attempting to blend the desire for traditional school with the ability to switch to remote learning seamlessly if needed. Examples that have been tossed around by some districts include children going to school just two or three days a week and remote learning the other days, or elementary-aged children going to school as normal with middle and high school grades engaging in remote learning.

This option would also likely create difficulties for families operating out of two households and trying to follow a custody schedule because it doesn’t allow for the same option all week for the entire school year.

Co-Parenting Challenges for the Upcoming School Year

While it’s clear that there is still a great deal of uncertainty over what may happen with the upcoming school year, there are bound to be some co-parenting challenges. Depending on what your district opts for and your co-parenting relationship with the other parent, these could be major or minor. Below are a few common issues co-parenting families are facing with going back to school during the coronavirus.

1. Disagreements on What Option to Pick

This is perhaps the most serious issue: you can’t agree on which education option to pick for the fall. Some parents are adamant that children should go back to school as normally as possible, while others think it’s still too soon and the safe option is 100% remote learning. Still others are turning to online public schools and homeschooling as options that they hadn’t considered before. If both parents aren’t in agreement, it can cause serious issues.

In the case where one parent has sole decision-making ability, such as in sole legal custody situations, this might be solved by that parent just making an executive decision. However, if the parents have joint legal custody and can’t agree on what to do, the issue may have to go before the courts for the judge to make the final ruling.

2. Issues With Childcare

If your district is opting not to have school as “normal,” it’s likely to create a childcare issue. Even in two-parent households, many times, both parents are working out of the house and both incomes are necessary for financial purposes. And in the case of divorced parents, it’s common for the parent to be the only income in the family, which creates even more pressure.

For example, let’s say that the children are going to school two days a week, Tuesday and Wednesday, but are doing remote schooling the other three. However, both parents are working traditional Monday through Friday 9-5 jobs. What will they do with the children on the other three days? Many childcare centers have to reduce capacity with the new restrictions, and in-home sitters can be very expensive. Some parents may also face the issue of changing parenting time if one parent does have more freedom with work and can take the children when they aren’t in school. This could change a 50/50 custody split into an 80/20 split quickly, which can affect other issues such as child support.

3. Transporting School Items Back and Forth

A minor issue, but one that co-parents are likely to be dealing with on a near-constant basis, is the transportation of school items back and forth between both houses. You’re probably already used to making sure that homework gets taken care of and backpacks go with the kids, but remote learning situations may come with laptops, tablets or other expensive technology that your children, and therefore you, are now responsible for. Now, a tablet left at Mom’s becomes a “have to drive and go get it tonight or I can’t do school in the morning” problem instead of a “you can just pick it up next time” issue.

No matter what school ends up looking like in your area come August and September, the truth is that it will take some time to get the hang of things. Even if you think you’ve planned for every possible scenario, there are still likely to be some curveballs and surprises, and a sense of humour and remembering that everyone — teachers, kids and the other parent — are all trying their best can go a long way.

The 2houses co-parenting app can make it easier to navigate through the changing landscape of what back to school may look like by offering features such as a messaging center, an information bank and a calendar all in one user-friendly interface. Use the calendar to keep track of which days the children are remote or in-person learning, use the information bank to keep record of any required doctor’s visits or vaccinations and use the messaging center to keep the other parent up to date on schooling changes or any possible symptoms of COVID-19.

13 July 20207 July 2020

4 Reasons to Use a Co-Parenting App

While a divorce or separation is often the best choice for some families, it doesn’t mean that co-parenting comes without its challenges. Learning to coordinate, communicate and work together with the other parent comes with a learning curve. It’s easy to misread a text, lose track of an email or forget to pass along information on extracurricular activities — all of which can cause conflict in your co-parenting relationship. Whether you’re trying to find a way to keep track of papers, notices, expenses and who has what holiday or you just want to find a way to make communication more civil, a co-parenting app can help. 2houses was designed with divorced parents in mind and helps make dealing with two separate households a little less stressful.

4 Benefits of Using a Co-Parenting App

Co-parenting apps can’t magically make your relationship and interactions with the other parent perfect and conflict-free, but they can help streamline communication, help you keep track of paperwork and make it a little easier to deal with a tenuous situation. Below we’ve covered just a few of the main benefits you can get from using a co-parenting app.

1. It Helps Foster Communication

Communication is key to successful co-parenting. The more of an open exchange of dialogue involving concerns, upcoming events and just general updates on the children’s lives you can have, the better for your co-parenting relationship and for your children. However, this isn’t always as easy in practice as it is in theory.

Sometimes, it’s one parent who won’t cooperate. You send them texts and emails keeping them updated on school events and sports practices for the kids, but they claim they never received them. Or maybe you’re dealing with a situation where the other parent is actively trying to sabotage co-parenting by withholding information or sending angry and derogatory messages.

Other times, communication issues happen just because there is so much to keep track of. This can be especially true in situations where there are multiple children. Every child has their own homework that needs to be done, extracurricular schedules, playdates and meetups with friends, and sometimes things get lost in the shuffle and not communicated to both parents.

2houses can help with all of these issues by giving you a way to keep track of all communication in one easy-to-access place. So whether you need to confirm vacation plans, send along the snack requirements for your son’s soccer practice or ask the other parent for medical forms, everything can be communicated through the 2houses app. The messaging center offers secure messaging much like an email system with timestamps of when things were sent and read, and while you can archive conversations once they are not needed anymore, nothing can ever be deleted, so you can always go back and follow up with something if needed.

2. It Keeps Everything in One Place

One of the more common hazards of co-parenting and trying to manage children between two households is that there is a lot of paperwork. And when you consider that now some places such as schools and doctors’ offices are going digital and emailing records or allowing you access via apps, it can get even more challenging to know where to look for information that needs to be shared with the other parent. Just a few of the things that parents often need to share include:

Information on teacher names
Medical records
Expense records and reimbursement requests
Permissions slips
Insurance information
Clothing and shoe sizes
Christmas and birthday wishlists
Phone numbers and addresses for friends and family

If you have multiple children, the paperwork starts to grow exponentially. If you’ve ever tried to find a school lunch bill in a stack of papers or ended up having to ask the other parent for a medical bill again after misplacing it, you know how easy it is for things to get lost, misplaced or just plain forgotten about. It can be very difficult for either parent to keep track of what’s been sent and what hasn’t or what information is being kept where. That’s where the co-parenting app comes in.

One of the main features of 2houses is the information bank. It lets you upload virtually everything you could ever need to provide the other parent with in one place. There are dedicated places for things like bank information and vaccination records, but there’s also document storage that lets you upload any paper directly to the app and share it with the other parent. You can also organize your documents after you’ve uploaded them however you need to, such as by child or by category. This ensures the other parent has everything they need, but it also makes it easier for you because it’s like an instant online filing system. Anytime you need insurance information or need to double check your child’s shoe size, it’s all already in the app.

3. It Lets Both Parents Stay Involved

It used to be that people believed that a two-parent household was the gold standard as far being the best for kids. But now, we’ve recognized that the best thing for children is to have two happy, healthy parents, and sometimes, that means those parents making the choice to no longer be romantically involved or live in the same house. The most important thing is that both parents stay active and involved in the children’s lives.

It’s obviously impossible to keep up the same level of involvement as if both parents were living in the same household with the child, but technology has advanced so much that it’s not as difficult as it once was. This is especially true in cases where the parents have joint physical custody and both parents are having frequent face-to-face contact with the children. Video calling and texting have allowed parents to stay more in touch with their children than in years past, but co-parenting apps like 2houses can also help.

While just being able to have all the notices and the schedule in one place can make it easier for both parents to attend functions and ensure they are actively participating in their children’s lives, two other important features of 2houses that help parents stay connected to their children are the journaling and photo album capabilities.

The in-app journal lets parents and children share everything from thoughts on the day to feelings about upcoming events or just recapping for memory keeping purposes. Children can have their own access that is controlled by the parent account so they can contact both parents and send messages without also having access to private communications between the parents.

For those times when one parent isn’t able to be there in person, the photo album allows either the children or the other parent to upload pictures so they can still “be there” virtually. Common applications for this are for birthdays, school functions, vacations and even just silly candids of the kids.

4. It’s Automatic Documentation

Even in the best of co-parenting situations, there are bound to be some conflicts. One of the best things about using a co-parenting app for all communication and file and paper transfers is that you have built-in documentation. If you run into a situation where you think one thing was said but the other parent believes it was something else, it’s easy to just go back to the messages and reread it word for word. These messages are also built into the system which means there’s no possibility of common situations like one person deleting texts or not having “received” an email. For example, if one parent sends the other parent a notice that the children have a school play on Friday night at 6 p.m. through the app, the other parent can’t claim they didn’t attend because they didn’t know about it.

If you’re ever in a situation where you end up needing to take an issue back before the courts, using the 2houses co-parenting app makes it much easier to keep your documentation straight and have everything you need to present your case. Consider an example of one parent who claims that the other parent is interfering with their parenting time and not letting the first parent see the children. If Parent Number 2 has the documented messages from the app that show that Parent Number 1 cancelled at the last minute or no-showed several times, this can help Parent Number 1 show that interference is not the issue with the parenting time.

Whether you are just starting on your co-parenting journey or you’re trying to make it even smoother, co-parenting apps can be an important piece of the puzzle. Learn more about the features 2houses has to offer and how it can help you make positive changes in communication between you and the other parent, help you organize your paperwork and keep everything handy for documentation purposes if needed.

11 July 20207 July 2020

60/40 Custody Schedules and What they Really Look Like

More and more parents are choosing to have joint custody in the last few decades as opposed to the traditional every other weekend schedules of the past. While shared custody has shown to be helpful in ensuring the children have a good relationship with both parents, it can get confusing on how to split the time. The 60/40 custody schedule is a popular choice, and it can break down in a variety of ways. Here’s an overview of the 60/40 schedule, some practical examples and considerations for when you’re choosing what works best for your family.

What Does a 60/40 Schedule Actually Look Like?

When we talk about joint custody schedules in terms of numbers, we’re really talking about the percentage of time division between the two parents. In a 50/50 schedule, both parents are spending about half of the time in any given week with the child. In a 60/40 custody schedule, one parent is getting about 60% of the time while the other gets around 40%.

It’s important to remember that this doesn’t always work out exactly. For example, the breakdown, depending on which schedule you choose, may actually work out to something like 57/43, but for intents and purposes, it’s referred to as a 60/40 split. Another key principle here is that joint custody schedules take into consideration around-the-clock time, not just time actually spent with the children. So, even if you have the 60 side of the 60/40 split, if your days mostly fall during the week when you are working and the children are in school, you may end up with less face-to-face time than a parent who has the 40% on the weekends.

Common 60/40 Custody Splits

There are many ways to put a 60/40 custody schedule into place, and if both parents are in agreement, they can largely make whatever schedule they want. When you’re deciding on how to make a 60/40 custody schedule work, it’s important to keep in mind the ages of the children. Younger children often do better with shorter times away from the other parent while older children are better able to handle 4-5 day stretches away from the other parent. Here are just a few of the most common 60/40 custody schedules.

Long Weekends

This schedule splits the week into two main parts: the main week and a long weekend. Parent #1 has parenting time from Monday morning to Friday early afternoon, and Parent #2 gets the children from Friday early afternoon to Monday morning. It’s common in this case for Parent #2 to be the one dropping the children off at school on Monday morning and picking them up on Friday afternoon. The main advantage to this schedule is that the days are always the same; however, it also means that one parent gets every weekend. This can be an issue if Parent #1 is working during the week because they end up with very little downtime with the children.

4-3

In discussions of custody schedules, you will often see them laid out as numbers with dashes in between. This refers to how the days are separated between the parents. For example, in the 4-3 schedule, Parent #1 gets the children for four days and then Parent #2 gets them for three days. This continues to repeat.

The main difference between this and the long weekend schedule is that, depending on when you start the week, the entire weekend may not be spent with one parent. For example, Parent #1 could get Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and then the other parent would get Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. This schedule can be customized depending on when you want the three-day break with the other parent to be, which can be helpful for families with nontraditional work schedules.

2-2-5-5

A 2-2-5-5 schedule alternates with Parent #1 getting the children for two days, then they go back to Parent #2 for two days, then back to Parent #1 for five days and then back to Parent #2 for five days. A practical example of this schedule could be:

Parent #1: Monday, Tuesday
Parent #2: Wednesday, Thursday
Parent #1: Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
Parent #2: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

This would then repeat. The biggest advantage of this type of schedule is that it alternates weekends so that each parent gets time away from work and school to be with the children. However, it can be complicated to keep track of.

2-2-3

The 2-2-3 schedule is often used for younger children because there are no long stretches away from either parent. An example of this schedule is:

Parent #1: Monday, Tuesday
Parent #2: Wednesday, Thursday
Parent #1: Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Parent #2: Monday, Tuesday
Parent #1: Wednesday, Thursday
Parent #2: Friday, Saturday, Sunday

This schedule also allows for alternating weekends and can be simpler to keep track of than the 2-2-5-5 split. However, it does require a lot of shuffling between houses, which can be difficult for children who feel like they don’t really have one main home. There are often also reentry issues when the children switch between houses, especially if the rules between the two are very different. In this type of schedule, the children are almost always coming from or going to a house, so these issues may be worsened.

How 60/40 Custody Schedules Can Affect Other Issues

If you are still trying to decide how you are going to share custody, it’s important to keep in mind that your physical custody schedule is different from your legal custody. For example, it’s common for parents to have shared physical custody so they both get ample time with the children but for one parent to retain sole legal custody. This means that one parent still has the decision-making power for things like education, religious and medical decisions. Always make sure that you know exactly what your physical and legal custody division is.

If you do decide to go with a 60/40 custody schedule, it can affect the amount of child support you receive or have to pay. In a 50/50 shared custody split, it’s common for judges to not award child support to either party because they are sharing the time equally, and the assumption is that they are also sharing the cost of living for the children equally because of this. In a 60/40 custody schedule, the judge may award some child support to the parent with the 60%, particularly if there is a large income disparity between the two parties, but it’s likely to be much less than the custodial parent would get in a sole physical custody schedule with the noncustodial parent only getting the children every other weekend.

The last consideration for any type of shared custody schedule is that it requires a great deal of communication and coordination between the parents — particularly in the case of the 2-2-5-5 and 2-2-3 splits where the children are changing houses frequently. If you have a positive co-parenting relationship with the other parent and are able to keep the lines of communication open, this can work very well. However, these kinds of schedules can be difficult if for high-conflict situations. In these cases, it may be better to stick to the 4-3 split or a long weekend schedule so that the schedule stays the same from week to week.

60/40 Custody Schedules and 2houses

Co-parenting apps like 2houses can make it much easier to track and manage joint custody schedules. For example, the calendar app lets you put the custody schedule directly on to the calendar so that you can always see at a glance who the children will be with when. This is especially helpful in the case of more complicated 60/40 custody schedules like the 2-2-5-5 and 2-2-3 options. You can also add all important dates, extracurricular activities, doctors’ appointments or anything else that needs to be taken care of to the calendar so that both parents know exactly what needs to happen on their parenting time without the other parent having to tell them or remind them.

The message feature is also helpful for shared custody situations because it provides an easy way to coordinate with the other parent in a secure way. Children who are often changing houses might have medication that needs to go with them or may forget a sports uniform or report for school, and being able to take care of these things all within the same app is very helpful for efficient communication and automatic documentation purposes.

Find out more about how 2houses can help make your co-parenting journey less stressful and more productive by checking out our features rundown and then signing up for our free 14-day trial so you can see the benefits for yourself.

9 July 20207 July 2020

Tips, Tricks and Talking Points for Setting Up Joint Custody

When it comes to custody situations, there are two main types of custody orders: sole custody and joint custody. Decades ago, sole custody was much more common than joint custody, with most children living with one parent and the other parent being awarded a standard schedule of one afternoon visit a week and every other weekend. However, in recent years, the courts have recognized how important it is for children to have ongoing, close relationships with both parents and have started to move toward more joint custody arrangements. In some states, such as Maine and North Dakota, joint custody is even considered the default standard, and sole custody is only awarded if there are exceptional circumstances that make joint custody not in the best interests of the children.

3 Reasons You May Want to Consider Joint Custody

Whether you are just considering filing for custody and wondering if you should consider a joint custody situation or are wanting to switch from sole custody to joint, there are many reasons why joint custody can be beneficial for both the parents and the children.

1. It Keeps Both Parents Involved

For those that are able to co-parent well, joint custody arrangements can be very helpful. It ensures that both parents can stay active in the children’s lives, which has been shown to be beneficial for the children especially. With a joint custody arrangement, it’s more likely that both parents will be seeing the child on a more frequent basis, and both parents will also have the opportunity to transport the child to extracurricular activities, host sleepovers and playdates and get to be involved in more of the day-to-day aspects of parenting.

2. It Lets You Share the Decision-Making Burden

Having joint legal custody also keeps both parents equally involved in the decision-making process for important issues such as medical care, education and religious upbringing. When all of the burden of making these types of decisions falls on one parent, such as when there is a sole legal custody arrangement, it can be stressful. Many parents find that having joint decision-making ability lets them work together to consider ideas, bounce different options off of each other and come to a decision that both are comfortable with.

3. It Can Give You a Built-In Support System

Joint custody schedules can also ease some of the burden of being a single parent. Being the only parent in the household means there is a lot of responsibility, with most single parents juggling working, taking care of the children and managing the household. If you have a joint custody schedule and a good co-parenting relationship, the other parent can step in and provide some relief if you get called in for an extra shift, need some time to deep clean without children underfoot or just need a night to relax after a stressful day.

Some joint custody schedules include a specific clause for this called the first right of refusal. This basically means that anytime one parent isn’t going to be with the children and would be having them stay with friends or family or hiring a babysitter, the other parent gets the first opportunity to take that time. Only if the other parent refuses, does the first parent then have someone else watch the kids.

Filing for Joint Custody

Filing for joint custody is something you can do yourself, or you can have a lawyer fill out the paperwork. Which way is best depends a great deal on your unique set of circumstances. For example, if you are doing an initial filing for joint custody and your divorce has been amicable and both you and the other parent are in agreement on the custody arrangement, filing with the courts yourself can save you money over getting an attorney.

However, in situations where you are asking for joint custody when a sole custody order is already in place or if the custody situation is already contentious, it may be best to have an attorney handle things so that you can be sure the paperwork is filled out appropriately and all of your specific needs have been addressed in the filing.

Exactly how to file for joint custody varies by state, and the process may also be different if you are trying to change an existing custody order instead of doing an original filing. Below, we’ve listed the general steps as well as special considerations to be aware of depending on your situation.

1. Find Out What Paperwork You Need

Every state has a specific form that must be filed for joint custody. If you already have a custody order in place, this may be called something like a Motion for Reallocation of Parenting Responsibilities. If it’s the first custody filing for the case, it may just be the Shared Parenting Agreement that you file along with your divorce paperwork. Make sure you have the correct paperwork for your situation.

2. Gather Your Documentation

If you are requesting a modification to an existing custody order, you will need to show the court cause as to why the change is needed. Keep in mind that courts always go by what they believe is in the best interests of the children, which means your documentation needs to reflect that. It can be difficult to change from sole custody to joint custody, as some states have laws that only allow for this change if certain circumstances, such as a job loss, addiction issue or abuse, are happening. A change in custody also often affects child support, so you may need to provide recent income documentation so the courts can decide if the child support order also needs to be adjusted.

3. File With the Courts

Once you have all of the correct paperwork and corresponding documentation, you’re ready to file. If you are filing yourself, you may have to pay a small filing fee when you file the papers with the clerk of courts. You may also need to pay for the other parent to be served the papers. If you are using an attorney, these fees are usually included in the retainer amount, and you will receive an itemized statement that shows what the cost was.

4. Attend the Hearing

While it may take a while to get it completed and ready to send in, filing the custody paperwork with the courts is really only the first step. Once the filing has been accepted, you will be given a hearing date. Both parents will need to attend the hearing, and the best-case scenario is that the final decision will be made that day and you will leave the courthouse with temporary paperwork that explains the updated custody arrangement while you wait for your official copy to arrive from the court.

However, custody decisions are notorious for being drawn out, especially in cases where the parents are not in agreement. If you want joint custody and the other parent doesn’t, your case may be sent on for further hearings where both sides will be able to present documentation and even have witnesses and experts provide testimony as to why the proposed joint custody arrangement is or isn’t in the best interests of the children. Even after the judge has made a decision, there is still the possibility of an appeal.

5. Keep Your Paperwork

Once the custody agreement has been finalized, make sure to keep your official copy from the courts where you can access it easily. You may need it as a reference for how to handle things like summer vacations, birthdays and other holidays as well as other special circumstances like the children participating in extracurricular activities on the other parent’s time.

Making Joint Custody Arrangements Work

When it comes to any situation that involves parents who are no longer in a relationship and their children, the focus is always on the best interests of the children. This is what the courts look at in making custody determinations, and it’s what both parties should keep in mind as they co-parent.

Frequent, open communication and a focus on the children is the best way to facilitate joint custody, and 2Houses can help. 2Houses makes it easy to keep dates and custody schedules straight with its joint calendar feature, and you can easily upload practice dates, birthday parties and parent-teacher conferences so both parents have access to the children’s schedules at all times. Keeping track of splitting payments for program fees, school supplies and medical care is easy with the financial tracker that shows who is responsible for which portion of what bill. And there’s a built-in messaging feature so you can keep all communication and information in one place and not have to worry about keeping records of texts or emails.

No matter what kind of custody schedule you end up with, keeping the lines of communication open and making the children the number one priority can help you better navigate co-parenting.

7 July 20207 July 2020

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist – Learn How to Deal

Many people don’t hear the word narcissist to describe their partner until well after the relationship has ended, but once they start learning more about this type of personality disorder, a lot of what happened with the relationship, the breakup and the attempts at co-parenting after starts to make sense.

The Mayo Clinic defines a narcissist as someone who has “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” Learn more about this type of behavior and some tips on how to deal with a co-parent who is a narcissist.

4 Signs You May Be Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

How do you recognize a narcissist? The general traits are lack of empathy, a disregard for other people’s feelings and an extreme need for approval and attention from others. But what does this look like when it comes to the co-parenting relationship? Here are just a few of the common signs of a narcissist co-parent.

1. The Blame Is Always on You

Narcissists often live in a world where they can do nothing wrong and any issue is always the other person’s fault. In co-parenting situations, this can manifest in a variety of ways, but one of the most common is surrounding scheduling issues. For example, they cancelled a weekend with no notice, but they send you a message saying that you just make it too hard for them to see the kids. Or they miss a recital and blame you for not telling them about it even though the information was readily available to them.

2. They Lie

Narcissists are not known for their honesty, and they often lie with little regard to the consequences it has for other people. A narcissistic parent might say they are on their way to pick up the children only to inform you an hour later that they aren’t coming at all, or they might promise the kids a big birthday party only to go away on a solo trip that weekend.

3. They Seem to Enjoy the Conflict

Co-parenting has its conflicts no matter how good the overall relationship is, but narcissists often create conflict where there isn’t any and actually enjoy the attention and focus that comes from that conflict. For example, maybe the other parent has asked to switch you weekends and you’ve agreed. The narcissist parent may then try to create drama by saying something like, “I don’t know why you don’t want me to see the kids.” This creates confusion for the healthy parent because they have given the other parent what they want but is being accused of something that’s not happening. These tactics are often referred to as gaslighting.

4. They Use the Children Against You

One of the most common characteristics of a narcissistic parent is that they use the children as weapons against the other parent. They might insist on using the children to communicate messages that should be sent directly from parent to parent even after being asked not to, or they may threaten to treat the children badly or disappoint them as a way to punish the healthy parent for establishing boundaries.

For example, the narcissist is texting you several times a day, telling you what a bad parent you are or how you aren’t doing a good job. You decide to start ignoring the messages and not responding. The narcissist might escalate their behavior by refusing to come get the children for their weekend because you wouldn’t “communicate” even though answering those texts had nothing to do with the visit. In this case, the narcissist is trying to make you feel bad or guilty for not doing what they wanted you to do because now the children will be disappointed that they are missing their visit.

Another common tactic with this is to speak negatively about the healthy parent to the children. Narcissist parents might tell their children how sorry they are that the other parent isn’t a good parent or tell them that the other parent lies, does drugs or any manner of other things that aren’t true but are designed to make the child question the healthy parent.

Strategies for Parallel Parenting

We talk a lot about co-parenting at 2Houses, but there are times where it’s just not possible. A situation where one parent is a narcissist, or is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, is one of those times. Co-parenting requires both parents to be actively putting the children’s needs and interests above their own and to be mature enough to be able to have a cooperative, civil relationship with the other parent. With narcissists, this usually is not the case.

So, what can you do to improve the parenting situation when you are dealing with a narcissist? One of the best strategies to use is called parallel parenting. Basically, it’s taking an approach that — as much as possible — what happens at their house is their business and what happens at your house is yours. Here, we provide some tips for making parallel parenting work.

1. Practice Gray Rock

If you haven’t heard of gray rock before, it probably sounds a little weird. But it comes from the premise that narcissists need fuel from the other parent in the form of emotion. Narcissists actively try to get you emotional so that you will be upset, be angry or lash out. Now, think about a gray rock you might see in your yard or at the park. It’s not very interesting, right? All one color, nothing remarkable about it. This is your goal when dealing with narcissists — to become like a gray rock.

This isn’t as easy as it first seems because, again, a narcissist’s main goal is to get you upset, and they are usually very good at it. Couple that with the fact that this person has been in a very close relationship with you for probably a substantial amount of time, and they know just what to do to get that reaction from you.

When you’re trying to gray rock, focus on being as unemotional as possible and responding with facts. Try to stay out of arguments, responding only when there are direct questions relevant to the children that you must answer. The less you can communicate with a narcissist the better.

2. Set Yourself Up for as Little Contact as Possible

Even parallel parenting requires a certain amount of coordination with the other parent, but again, the less contact you have with the narcissist the better. This is where the 2Houses co-parenting app becomes a very useful tool. It allows you to put all of the information, such as important dates, sports schedules, reimbursement requests and even scheduling issues all on the app, removing the direct contact between you and the other parent.

By doing this, the other parent doesn’t need to ask you for things like Social Security numbers or insurance information — those things will already be in the information bank that they can access with you. If the other parent does send messages about this type of information, you can reply with a simple, “It’s in the information bank on the app” — a very gray rock response.

In extreme cases, you may also need to limit contact to only the app and refuse to communicate through phone calls, texts or emails. Some family court judges even mandate this type of in-app communication in high-conflict cases now because there is an instant and easily accessible record of when messages were sent, when they were read and what was in them.

3. Have a Conversation With Your Children

Whether you suspect the other parent is a narcissist or you know they have been diagnosed as such, it’s important not to tell your children this or otherwise speak negatively about the other parent. However, it is a good idea to explain to them matter of factly and without emotion how you are going to handle things.

For example, maybe your children complain at your house that they have a bedtime while at the other parent’s house, they are allowed to stay up as late as they want. You can just explain that “there are different rules for different houses” or simply state that you can’t do anything about what happens over there so you are just going to focus on how things are in your own home.

Children are quick to figure out many of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics including gaslighting, speaking negatively about the healthy parent, pitting siblings against each other or using the children as pawns to get to the other parent. The best thing you can do is model healthy behavior, refuse to engage with the narcissist and let your children know that you are there for whatever they need.

For more information on what makes 2Houses special and how it can help you co-parent with a narcissist, check out our features explanation and contact us today.