Author: Alexandra

Every year, around one-and-a-half million children are born to unmarried parents in the United States. From the outset, these children face different custodial rules, standards, and laws than their peers born to married couples. 

As if that weren’t complicated enough, custodial rules and standards can vary from state to state. If you’re unmarried and dealing with a child custody situation in Texas, here are the TX custody laws you need to be aware of. 

Texas Custody Defaults

Whenever a child is born to an unmarried mother in Texas, the law assigns all legal and custodial rights to the mother. This is true even when the father’s name appears on the birth certificate. 

In order to claim any custodial rights over their children, unmarried fathers must first establish paternity.

Establishing Paternity

As a general rule, men have little say in what goes on a child’s birth certificate. The mother’s information is automatically included and she may choose whether or not to identify a father. Even when a father is listed, the presence of his name on the certificate is not considered legal proof of parenthood. 

As such, it is not legal grounds for custody. Under Texas laws, there are only two ways to establish paternity that have any legal weight. 

The first option is to have both parents sign an Acknowledgement of Paternity (AOP) document. The use of this legally binding form is most common among unmarried couples living together or who have parted amicably and who wish to work together to raise their children. 

The second option is to establish paternity via a DNA test. Samples must be collected from the mother, the proposed father, and the child. The samples must then be analyzed by a recognized lab to verify paternity.

Either parent can obtain a court order for such testing, if necessary. 

It is important to note, however, that establishing paternity is only a first step. Unmarried fathers do not immediately gain the same custodial rights as their married counterparts once paternity is proven. Instead, they will need to negotiate a custody arrangement with the mother of their child or request a child custody order from the court. 

Negotiated Rights vs Court Orders

Unmarried parents do not necessarily need to go to court to work out custody of their children. If they live together or live separately but co-parent in a positive and constructive way, they may be able to operate under informal agreements. 

For many couples, however, informal arrangements are not feasible. Sometimes parents are unable to agree on terms. Other times, one or both parents may fail to keep to agreed-upon terms.

In other cases, concerns about safety, child support, or other factors may come into play. When any of these things happen, parents must seek court-mediated custody arrangements. 

Conservatorship

Texas custody laws contain very specific and unique language. Understanding this language is the first step to understanding your custody options and the laws that govern them.  

The first term unmarried parents need to know is conservatorship. Texas uses the term “conservatorship” in place of “custody.” Thus, a custodial parent or guardian is a child’s “conservator.”

There are two primary types of conservatorship. 

In joint managing conservatorship (JMC) arrangements, both parents share custody. Both have basic rights to make decisions about and for their child and an equal responsibility to care for the child. 

Under a JMC, judges may assign specific and exclusive decision-making rights on some subjects to one parent or the other. JMCs may or may not involve one parent paying child support to the other. 

The second type of conservatorship is sole managing conservatorship (SMC), in which only one parent has the right to make legal decisions for and about the child. Child support is common in these arrangements. 

Child Support

Courts may award child support to the conservator regardless of their gender. Before mothers can receive child support from the father, however, they must establish paternity. Receipt of child support is not necessarily related to access or visitation.

The exact amount of child support the court awards can vary based on numerous factors. Parents with questions on this point should seek the advice and assistance of an attorney. 

In most cases, child support ends when the child turns 18 years of age. 

Access

The next term parents need to know is “access.” This is Texas’s term for visitation.

Non-custodial parents often still have rights to see and spend time with their children. If the parents can reach an agreement between themselves on what visitation should look like, the court will usually honor those arrangements.

When parents cannot agree, courts hand down permissions and restrictions. This includes:

• Geographic restrictions
• Time restrictions
• Activity restrictions 

Geographic Restrictions 

Conservators have the right to choose where they and their children reside. In order to ensure that non-conservator parents still have access to their children, however, the court may place restrictions on where the custodial parent can live. 

For example, they may not be able to move out of the area or out of state if this would deny the non-conservator parent access to their child. These restrictions usually cease to apply if the non-custodial parent agrees to the move or moves out of the area themselves. 

Time and Activity Restrictions 

In addition to geographic restrictions, courts may also hand down other rules. They may limit the time a parent can spend with a child. Or they may limit what non-custodial parents can do, such as: 

• Ordering the parent not to drink or use substances while with the child
• Ordering that specific friends or relatives not be allowed near the child while they are with that parent
• Requiring that the parent visit with their child only in supervised conditions 

Court Preferences

As often as possible, Texas courts prefer to hand down joint managing conservatorship (JMC) arrangements. Research demonstrates that the involvement of both parents is most often in children’s best interest, and so courts try to promote this whenever situations allow. 

In fact, courts use children’s best interests as the baseline for all of their decisions in Texas custody cases. 

By law, courts are not allowed to base their decisions on or allow their decisions to be influenced by:

• Parents’ marital status
• Parents’ genders
• The child’s gender

Instead, custody arrangements are based solely on the court’s determination of which parent is most capable of providing a safe, stable, and loving home for the child.

Standard Schedules 

When parents do not have their own personalized parenting plans, Texas courts tend to default to one of several standardized plans. 

In a standard possession plan, the non-conservator parent gets access:

• Two to three weekends per month
• One weeknight per week during the school year
• Every other holiday
• For one month during the summer

Under an expanded standard possession plan, the non-conservator parent: 

• Gets access during all of the same times as under a standard plan
• Has extra overnight visitations 
• Is permitted to pick up their child from school or drop them off at school

Modified possession plans are variants of the standard plan. They may be granted when parental or child schedules do not accommodate the standard plan. They often adhere as closely to the standard time division as possible. 

Customized plans are also common for children under three years of age, as their youth can require special considerations. 

Supervised possession plans go into effect when there are restrictions on when, where, and how the non-custodial parent may see their child. 

Abuse, Violence, and Other Special Circumstances

Texas custody laws for unmarried parents are not that different from those that apply to married parents in cases where the child’s safety is in question. 

Unfit parents cannot gain conservatorship. Importantly, however, fathers seeking sole conservatorship due to maternal unfitness must establish paternity before they can sue for custody.

In less clear-cut cases, the court considers the following factors when addressing custody in potentially unsafe situations.

• Evidence or history of neglect
• Evidence or history of abuse toward the child, the other parent, or someone else in the home
• Cases or a history of assault on the part of either parent

In particular, the law singles out sexual assaults and crimes. The court can refuse to grant custody or access to men if the child in question was conceived as the result of a sexual crime against the mother. 

Supervised Access

In many cases, rather than denying parents access altogether, the court will elect to award supervised access. This can enable parents to have relationships with their children without exposing those children to unsafe conditions. 

Supervised access may include conditions such as:

• Controlled exchange of the child
• Prohibitions against the consumption of alcohol or other substances before and during visits
• Parental enrollment in anger management or parenting classes

TX Custody Laws and You 

TX custody laws are complex. Nowhere is this more true than in situations where parents are unmarried. Learn more about how you can write co-parenting plans, design custom schedules, and set up the best possible custody arrangements by checking out our other great articles now.

Many divorces involve children, and many of those divorced parents will go on to remarry — very likely to someone who also already has children of their own. While the Brady Bunch is a great TV show, it’s not a realistic model for what the process of creating a blended family looks like in real life. It can take many years to navigate all of the challenges that come with a blended family and to build positive, respectful relationships between everyone, but it is possible. Find out more in this guide.

Step-Parenting and Blended Families

When it comes to step-parents, the stigmas are strong. On one end of the spectrum you have the wicked stepmother (or stepfather) scenario that would paint step-parents as jealous, controlling and even abusive when it comes to their stepchildren — seemingly trying to push the children out so they can be the only thing important to the other parent. Luckily, this is more television and movie fodder than it is real life. 

Most step-parents very much want to have a positive relationship with their stepchildren and look forward to building a new family unit that blends the best of both sides into something even better. However, it usually isn’t this simple even in the best of situations and with the best of intentions. 

The truth is that step-parenting is difficult. You don’t have the inherent bond that you have with your biological children, and in some cases, you may be seen as a potential threat to the child’s relationship with their biological parent or a replacement for their parent’s ex-spouse. In order to make the transition from two families to one as smooth as possible, it’s important to be aware of both the challenges and potential strategies you can use to build positive relationships and a strong family unit. 

The Challenges of Blended Families

When it comes to taking two separate families and trying to turn it into one, it can sometimes feel more like trying to mix water and oil. You’re taking two very separate family units, with different traditions, different rules and different dynamics, and trying to create something entirely new. Here are a few of the potential pitfalls to be aware of as you navigate this process.

Differences in Parenting Styles

This is perhaps the most difficult aspect of all. Chances are that you and your new spouse have had years of raising your children and have your own specific parenting style when it comes to what’s allowed, what’s not and what you do when someone breaks the rules. For example, if you’re OK with your children watching R rated movies but your new spouse thinks that anything rated higher than PG is a no, this presents issues when it comes to family movie nights or what movies children are allowed to see with friends.

Differences in parenting styles also commonly show up when it comes to discipline. If you and your new spouse have had different house rules or expectations when it comes to chores, how the family members interact with each other or what punishments are appropriate, it can quickly become a point of contention if it’s not dealt with.

Difficult Co-Parents

While there are plenty of stories out there about how new spouses and ex-spouses are able to get along very well and may even be friends, this doesn’t always happen. In some cases, the children’s biological parent may see you as a threat to their relationship with their children and try to undermine you as a step-parent. Feeling like you constantly have to defend yourself or dealing with antagonistic interactions at every school function or visitation pickup can get very taxing very quickly and put stress on both your relationship with your step-children as well as your new spouse. Keeping communication in writing and ensuring everyone has access to family calendars and the like through an app like 2houses can help.

Diverse Personalities

Every person is unique, and this is certainly true for children. And while there’s no guarantee that your personality meshes with your own biological children, you do have the benefit of the magnitude of parental love and years of experience learning how to deal with them. When you are faced with a personality clash between a step-parent and step-child, it can be very challenging to develop and maintain a positive relationship.

4 Tips for Successful Step-Parenting

While it’s possible that you may never have the same type of relationship with your step-children as you have with your biological children, that doesn’t mean that you should just give up and bide your time until the children are out of the house. There are many things you can do personally and as a family to help create a more positive step-parenting relationship. Here are just a few of your tips for getting things moving in a better direction. 

1. Take It Slow

Remember that even though you and your new spouse have decided to start a family together that your respective children probably didn’t have that same input. If they aren’t happy about the change, it’s important to realize like they may feel like it is entirely out of their control and may feel like it is something that is forced on them. With this in mind, the focus should be on taking it slow and giving everyone plenty of grace. 

It’s normal to want everything to blend seamlessly quickly, but the reality is that this is rarely what actually happens. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, it can actually take several years for everyone to adjust to the changes in the family structure and for the two families to actually start to “blend.” By thinking of this as a marathon and not a sprint, it can help you keep the proper long-game perspective and help you notice and celebrate more of the smaller wins and progress instead of focusing on the ongoing challenges.

2. Present a United Front

While it’s likely that each family has had their own traditions, rules and ways of relating to each other, all of this has to adjust when the two families come together. This means there will be times when a middle of the road compromise is available and others when one side has to “win.” One of the best things you can do to help make that transition easier is to make sure that you’re presenting a united front with your new spouse.

If possible, take some time to discuss how you’re going to handle things before they arise, so that you are able to present that united front in the moment. In situations where that’s not possible, it’s a good idea to go with whatever the first parent to respond says and then talk about it with your spouse later away from the children to discuss both viewpoints and how you can compromise and adjust for when that issue comes up again. 

For example, maybe you let your step-child buy a candy bar at the grocery store, but you found out when you got home that your spouse wanted them to wait until after dinner to have sweets. In this case, going ahead with what the step-parent said and then having a parents-only discussion afterward to come to a compromise moving forward is the best solution that ensures both sides are heard and a compromise is made without undermining the step-parent’s decision in front of the children. 

3. Respect That Each Child Is Different

One of the great things about children is that they all have different strengths and character traits that make them completely unique individuals. However, this also means that in a blended family with more than one child, you’re probably going to be dealing with different perspectives and adjustments from each child. One child might immediately take to the new partner while another needs more time to warm up and accept the change. 

One of the best things you can do as a new step-parent or a biological parent trying to make the blended family transition as smooth as possible is to accept that each child will handle the new situation differently and respect that. Encourage the children who are happy and excited about the move and give those who aren’t plenty of time and space to process things in their own time and way.

4. Embrace the Chaos

Anytime you are putting two families into one, there is a lot of change, and it’s probably going to be chaotic and imperfect for a while — and possibly forever. By embracing the change, you open the door to welcome challenges as opportunities to grow and bond together and set a good example for children who may not yet have the tools and resources to cope.

Dating is never easy, but when you’re dating someone who already has children, the stakes are even higher. Once you realize that it’s time to take things to the next level and start considering marriage, you may have some questions and concerns about what it means to be a stepfather and what you can do to be a good one. Your new spouse — or soon to be — and their kids are a package deal, so it’s important to do all you can to be a positive influence and role model. Here are some of our best strategies for becoming a successful stepdad.

Potential Pitfalls

While you may not officially be a stepdad until you say “I do,” the work you put into the relationship with the kids from the first day you meet them is crucial to your success. Being more aware of the potential issues and challenges that can crop up as a step-dad is important if you want to stay ahead of those challenges and be proactive in cultivating a positive relationship with your children. Here are a few things to be on the lookout for.

1. Resentment From the Children

Even if you’re a great guy with the best of intentions and do everything right from the start, you still might have to contend with resentment from the children. From their perspective it can feel like you’re a threat to their relationship with their biological parent, taking some of the time and energy that the kids see as could have been spent on them. You may also be a visual reminder that their parents have separated and really aren’t going to get back together — a fantasy many children of divorce hold on to.

2. Differences in Parenting Styles

Another challenge that often affects blended families is the difference in parenting styles. This may be especially true if you also have children and have developed a specific parenting style and method of relating to and disciplining your kids. For example, if your partner thinks it’s fine for the children to stay up as late as they want on the weekends but you think bedtime should still be enforced, it can be hard to get on the same page and present a united front to the children. Other potential areas that can be issues if you have different parenting styles include the level of responsibility expected from the kids when it comes to household chores, what consequences should happen if a child gets in trouble and what to do if a child is struggling academically.

3. The “Not My Dad” Problem

Even if you have a positive relationship with your step-children, the “not my dad” card can still come up when things get challenging — especially in the teenage years. While you are an authority figure in the child’s life, the truth is that the child is right: you aren’t their dad. And that can make it harder to walk the line when it comes to discipline, respect and being taken seriously. 

4. Dealing With the Bio Dad

In some cases, you may be the only father figure in the picture (which can sometimes be easier but comes with challenges of its own), but in many, you will have to learn how to deal with the children’s biological father. If you’re lucky, the dad will be a good guy who wants to be involved with his kid and is at least accepting of you if not outright welcoming. However, many stepdads have to deal with bio dads who don’t want them in the picture and actively try to sabotage their relationships with the children and their partner.

4 Strategies for Success

After reading over that list of potential pitfalls, you may be thinking either “yikes, I hadn’t thought of that!” or “OK, yes, I’m already dealing with this,” but the big question is “What do I do about it?” The good news is that there are specific strategies you can use to help create and maintain a positive relationship with your stepchildren. We’ve focused on four core areas below.

1. Focus on the Positive

It’s easy to get frustrated with your own biological children when they have attitudes, are throwing temper tantrums or aren’t obeying the rules. But it’s even easier when the child isn’t “yours.” One thing that can really help during these times is to keep the focus on the positive and ignore the negative as much as you can. For example, maybe you can ignore a sarcastic remark a child says under their breath as they walk up the stairs and at the same time remind yourself of last weekend when they curled up on the couch with you to watch a movie. Or when they pull the “not my dad” line, remember that time they gave you a handmade father’s day card with a special note inside.

It may even be helpful to keep a special box or notebook or even just a folder of pictures in your phone that documents the positives so that you have something tangible to remind yourself of when there’s a bad day.

2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Open, honest, respectful communication is key to any relationships, and this is definitely true when it comes to your relationship with your step-children. It can be a difficult line to walk between “I’m here for you” and coming across as overbearing, but it’s worth taking up the challenge. You can help foster open communication by taking an active interest in your step-children’s lives and the things that are important to them. Make a point to remember that they had a big spelling test today. Show up at the soccer game. Learn to play chess. Knowing enough about their interests and likes and dislikes to carry on a meaningful conversation and ask the right questions can go a long way toward showing them that you care and are invested in their lives and success.

It’s also equally as important to keep those lines of communication open with your partner. Even when you love someone, it can be difficult to accept someone else parenting your child or having an opinion on your child. Having regular conversations with your partner — schedule them if you need to — about how things are going and any issues that have come up can give you an easy open forum to ensure you catch any resentfulness, hurt or misunderstanding before it becomes a bigger problem.

3. Be a Role Model

The old adage “you have to give respect to get respect” is definitely true when it comes to step-parenting. One of the best things you can do for your relationship with your step-children is to model the behavior you want from them. Treat them with respect, give them grace when they mess up and remember that everyone is human. For example, if you think it’s disrespectful for a child to be sarcastic toward you, make a point not to be sarcastic to them. If you have an issue with how they are treating you and acting toward you, make sure that you continue to model positive behavior even when you are frustrated or don’t feel like it. Consistency in how you treat the children and what you expect from them can go a long way toward building a relationship.

4. Give It Time

Relationships take time. This is true for romantic relationships, and it’s also very true when you are trying to build relationships with someone else’s kids. Children of divorce in particular often really need to see that you’re going to be a permanent fixture in their lives and need to see that you are going to continue to be a positive person for them. It’s common for children to believe that if they can just be difficult enough they can scare you away or to believe that since their parents split up, it’s inevitable that you will leave too and so it’s not worth investing in the relationship. Sometimes, when the children see that they can’t scare you away and that you aren’t leaving, they settle down very quickly and do a complete 180 in how they treat and interact with you. Remembering that being a stepdad is a long game can help you keep perspective.

The bottom line is that even if your stepkids don’t take to you right away or even actively express their displeasure at the new family dynamics, that doesn’t stop you from being able to give your best effort as a stepdad. Being a good step-parent is a long game, and the effort, consistency and respect you put in now is likely to pay off in dividends later.

While we usually think of the parent comforting the child and trying to ensure they are happy and healthy, children often think they also have some sort of responsibility to their parents and not upsetting them. This can be a good thing if you want your child not to misbehave, but when it comes to the emotional effects of a divorce, it can backfire. In this article, we tackle some of the top reasons your child may be afraid to make you sad and provide some tips on how to ensure that your child feels like they can talk to you without worrying about how you might feel.

Reasons Your Child May Be Afraid to Make You Sad

Many children are worried if they express their feelings or emotions that they might upset or hurt their parents, and this can lead to them internalizing those emotions and even creating false connections in their heads such as “It’s my fault they got divorced.” To be able to challenge those connections, it’s important to be aware of what your child may be thinking. Here are a few common reasons your child may be afraid to make you sad.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I want to see my other parent.

Children often feel like they are betraying one parent or having to choose between the two if they want to spend time with the other parent. This can come up in situations like wanting to go shopping with one parent instead of the other or even just the regular custody schedule. Your child may be afraid that if they show that they are happy to spend time with the other parent that you will think they don’t love you just as much.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I don’t like their new boyfriend/girlfriend.

While it’s not 100 percent necessary for your child to be ecstatic about your new partner for it to work out, it can make things more difficult if they don’t get along. However, if you don’t know that your child doesn’t like your new partner, you won’t even have the opportunity to address any issues, personality clashes or misunderstandings. Your child may be afraid that if they don’t like your new partner that you will have to choose between them, and they may be afraid that you love your new boyfriend or girlfriend more than them.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I don’t want to go to their house.

As children get older, they tend to have more of a social life and may have plans or things that they want to do when it’s time to go over to the other parent’s house. An example of this might be a birthday sleepover that is scheduled for the noncustodial parent’s weekend. Your child may be worried that you will be upset or think that they don’t love you or want to spend time with you because they want to go to the party instead.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I talk about before.

Divorce and the separation of the family is a big change, and it’s one that takes a lot of processing for kids and adults alike. However, it’s common that adults get to actually do that processing through talking to friends or family, joining support groups or talking to a therapist, but children are often left to their own thoughts. Your child may be afraid to make you sad if they want to talk about happy memories from when the parents were still together or show that they are sad that it didn’t work out.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I ask my other parent for help.

Single parents are superheros. They do everything and have to work in and fill multiple roles around the house and in their children’s lives. After a while, it becomes second nature to just handle everything yourself, especially when it comes to your children. However, your child may also want to get help from the other parent sometimes, whether it’s advice on how to talk to their crush or whether they should try out for varsity. Your child may be afraid to make you sad or make you feel like you’re not enough if they want to get specific help from the other parent.

I’m afraid to make my mom or dad sad if…I ask them not to come to something.

In coparenting situations where the parents are able to be civil and even friendly and get along, it’s usually not an issue for both parents to attend a function for the child. Unfortunately, however, this isn’t always the case. If the relationship between the two parents is bad, it can be very stressful for the child to have everyone show up at a performance or game. They may not know where to look in the audience or who to go to first after it’s over, and they may also be worried that the parents will get into an argument in front of their friends and peers. Your child may be afraid that you will be sad or get your feelings hurt if they ask you not to come to a function so that they don’t have to split their time or deal with the stress.

What You Can Do About It

The good news is that for most parents, once they hear these reasons, they immediately think, “Oh, but that’s not true at all!” And letting your child know that these things won’t upset you or hurt you or make you sad is an important step in ensuring that they aren’t blaming themselves or carrying more emotional burden than they should be. It’s also important in keeping the lines of communication open and making your child feel like it’s safe to come to you with their issues and problems. Here are a few strategies that can help.

Remind Your Child That You Love Them Unconditionally

First and foremost, make it a point to tell your child that you love them and love them unconditionally as much as possible. When they have that strong basis of love, there will be less fear that there is something they can do or say to you that would shake that love. Children don’t have the life experience or maturity to understand the depth of parental love or that while you may not like how they are acting,  their choices or some decisions they make it doesn’t change how you feel about them or how much you love them at all.

Make a Point to Keep Your Feelings to Yourself

While it’s always good for children to understand that parents are humans too and sometimes they feel stressed or upset or angry, your child isn’t your therapist or best friend and shouldn’t be treated like it. Children pick up on every little cue, and even a sarcastic comment here and there can make your child more afraid of upsetting you or making you sad. While it’s perfectly normal to feel sad or upset if your child doesn’t want to come to your house or would rather the other parent come to “bring your parent to school day,” it’s best to keep that to private adult conversations and continue to show your child positivity and support.

Ask Questions to Foster Communication

It can be very difficult for children to be able to share their emotions and fears. They often don’t have the experience or vocabulary to understand those feelings, let alone articulate them. And even older children and teenagers may act out or do other things instead of sharing how they feel. One way to help things along is to ask questions and open the door for them to share. Instead of waiting for your child to say that they are worried about your new partner, maybe ask something along the lines of, “So-and-so’s been coming around a lot more. How do you think things are going?” Resist the urge to defend yourself or your partner and really just focus on hearing your child and validating those feelings. If there are things you need to address or explain, try to leave it for another conversation so that your child doesn’t associate that with them telling you how they felt.

Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, and unfortunately, those challenges don’t stop once the paperwork is finalized. Understanding that your child may have fears and emotions you’re not aware of and giving them an open, safe place to express those feelings without judgement can help everyone more forward as healthily as possible.