Co-parenting is full of highs and lows and moments when you aren’t sure if you will ever get things right. And that is okay. Co-parenting is a learning process and one that most of us never expected to be on. If you are starting off on your co-parenting journey with an ex-partner, don’t be discouraged by bumps in the road or feelings of confusion or being alone in this journey. Every single co-parenting family has been in this position but the great thing to remember is that you are not alone, which we will explore in these amazing stories from two Australian couples who’ve gone through separation and divorce and have created a great relationship as co-parents.
Liam and Olivia
When my ex and I got divorced, it was pretty rough. We had a complete breakdown of our marriage after 20 years together and found ourselves fighting constantly. When we finally split, it was hard to break out of that cycle of fighting, even where the kids were concerned. We couldn’t agree on anything and the kids really felt the need to pick sides between us because they felt that pressure.
After nearly a year of pretty awful behaviour on both of our parts, we realized that if things didn’t change, we’d have no choice but to head to court, and that was not something we wanted to do in regard to co-parenting. Two of our kids were teens, the other one was 8. It meant at least 12 years of co-parenting until they were all off living their own lives and it wasn’t healthy to put our kids through this.
So we went and found a mediator who could help us iron out the poorly crafted custody schedule and agreement we’d made between us. The mediator really helped us focus on the kids and not on our own hurt, which is what we were really focused on for the last year at least. Once we were done creating a new custody agreement, the mediator recommended that we try a mediation app to stick to the agreement. Liam found the 2houses app and he set it up, opting to rotate the yearly cost with him paying the first year and me the second.
There were some hiccups along the way as we finalized our divorce and alimony and child support payments but even when we couldn’t be civil in person, we were able to do so through the app. It helped that the kids also had access to the account so they could have input in what was happening and it kept us focused on putting their needs above the negative emotions they were having.
Now that the divorce is finalized, Liam and I have found our stride with co-parenting. The kids are happy and thriving and we even go to joint events together without any of the tension that we had before.
Noah and Christine
Noah was married long before we were together and brought a 5 year old boy and 8 year old girl to our relationship. We ended up having another baby together to make our home a blended family. Unfortunately, five years into the relationship, we ended it with a 3 year old, 10 year old and 13 year old. I thought it would be easy moving into the co-parenting role since I’d been a stepmom already but it became even more complicated because there were three parents involved: myself, Noah and Noah’s ex Michelle.
Although the older two kids weren’t mine, we’d had a strong relationship when the marriage ended and I still wanted to have visitation rights to them. Through our relationship, the kids had lived in a 50/50 arrangement with Michelle, which meant that I spent as much time with the kids as she did.
Since we’d worked through a lot of co-parenting hiccups with Michelle prior to our split, entering into co-parenting for our youngest was easy. We followed the same 50/50 visitation schedule we’d used with the oldest two, kept our personal issues away from topics about the baby and put her best interests at heart with every decision. It was incredibly easy.
However, when Noah and I split, the sticking point was my stepchildren. He didn’t understand why I wanted to still have visitation rights to them and Michelle didn’t believe that we should have a 30/30/30 split since the oldest two were not mine at all. This was where we ended up having the most arguments because I wanted to see the kids and didn’t see the problem with them having a third parent as invested in them as their other parents.
Eventually, we realized that we needed to talk to the kids about the situation. What did they want to do? The answer was that they wanted all three of us in their lives on a regular basis so together, we came up with a custody schedule that meant the kids see all of us on a regular basis and attend all their big events together. The extra bonus was that my youngest was able to see her siblings a lot more than even before the divorce because a lot of the visitation times were all together whether with their dad or with me, which helped them build a connection as siblings.
With separating, the main advice that I would give is to be open to ideas but to also listen to what your kids want if they are older. Whether you realize it or not, even an 8 year old has a pretty good idea of what he wants and while some things can’t be accomplished, listening to them really helps them adjust to the divorce.
The second advice I’d give is to really have a good co-parenting app to schedule everything because with 3 kids and 3 adults, we definitely have a busy house…especially with it spread out over three homes. As you can see, everyone has ups and downs with co-parenting but there are things that you can do to really make co-parenting work with you. The main points are to listen, put the kids first to avoid those harder emotions and use the tools that you have available to you. Co-parenting isn’t easy but there are many out there who are cheering for you to succeed.