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Building Kids’ Resilience in Two Homes

Two homes

Sometimes, marriages don’t work out, but we would still do anything for our family. 72% of divorces occur within the first 14 years of marriage, which is when most couples still have minor children.

If you’re working through a divorce with young children, there are a lot of challenges to navigate, especially with your children. However, the good news is that you are not alone. 

Let’s talk about how to build resiliency in your children through separation or divorce.

Why Resiliency Is So Important

Resiliency is an important skill for any child to learn. It can help them find greater success in life and cope with circumstances beyond their control. Learning to bounce back from setbacks and challenges is critical for proper development.

More importantly, separation and divorce require resiliency for everyone involved. Children happen to be the most at-risk in these situations, which is why it’s so important to help them build resilience.

Remember that resiliency is a skill, not an innate personality trait. It’s not something people are born with, which is important to recognize before helping your child along.

Building Children’s Resilience Through Separation

The most important factors in building resiliency for your child are understanding their needs and reducing their stress levels. Children will learn a lot on their own, but only in the right environments. Let’s talk about how to facilitate that.

Reduce Co-Parenting Conflict

Conflicts between co-parents are bound to happen at some point. However, reducing their frequency and ferocity is essential. Your child may have shown resiliency so far in the process, but everybody has their limits.

Separation and divorce are already traumatic experiences that require resiliency. Children will need to learn how to adapt to a different living situation. Adding most stress is the last thing they need.

Never Use Children as Messengers

We live in a world with no excuses. If you have something to say to your ex, you can contact them whenever you want. You should never put your child in a position where they feel trapped in the middle.

While this is especially true for any negative messages, it holds true for all. Your child should never feel responsible for conveying information. We all know how the game of “telephone” works.

Consequently, if the child forgets or misinterprets the message, this could lead to hostility. Your child will then feel they are to blame for escalating conflicts. It’s always best to avoid putting children in this position.

Encourage Consistency

Consistency between the two households is vital for a child’s development. For example, if one parent allows video games before homework and the other doesn’t, this could lead to resentment toward the parent perceived as “more strict”.

Try to sit down with your co-parent and discuss basic rules and expectations that you need to maintain at both houses. As time passes, more of these differences are likely to arise. Discuss them as they come and try to work toward an agreement, rather than blaming the other parent without communicating.

Maintain a Routine

A predictable daily schedule is the best way to build routines for children. However, this is a challenge with two homes.

Children should be able to predict where they’ll be housed and what their days will be like in the near future. Would you like to wake up every day without any clue of where you’re going or what you’re doing? Consider your child’s point of view here.

Moreover, a set schedule is essential for children. If the child knows they spend every Wednesday and every other weekend with one parent, try your best to keep these consistent. You want them to easily predict their routines.

Also, if your child is used to waking up, having breakfast, getting dressed, watching a short episode on television, and then going to school, keep it consistent. We all like having some semblance of a routine, which is especially important when living in two separate homes. Waking up in a different location regularly is disorienting enough, so establishing a clear routine is quite helpful.

Encourage an Open Dialogue

There’s a good chance your child is worried to tell you how they are feeling, especially if you’re visibly occupied with your divorce. Let your child know that they’re more than welcome to tell you how they’re feeling, even if that means telling you hard truths you may not want to hear.

How else can you help foster resiliency? If the child does not know how to regulate their emotions, and you don’t know what emotions they are feeling, where is there room for progress?

Your child is likely experiencing big emotions due to the stress of a new life. They should not be punished for expressing themselves but encouraged to do so. Suffering in silence won’t help anyone.

Strategize With Your Co-Parent

Sit down with your co-parent away from your child and discuss a plan for building resilience in your child and how to manage their stress levels. Try to keep things as consistent as possible in each home, discuss issues away from them, and work to make your child as comfortable as possible in both homes.

Divorce is challenging for everybody, but your child has the least amount of power during the process. For this reason, it’s important to develop an inclusive plan for them with your co-parent and stick to it.

If you feel overwhelmed, that’s okay. Talk to a professional co-parenting facilitator to help build an easy transition and better resilience for your child. This way, you and your co-parent can stay on the same page.

Don’t Give Up

We know that separation and divorce are challenging. However, your children are innocent in these situations, and it’s the responsibility of their parents to give them the security, stability, and tools they need for success.

Keep reading our blog for our latest co-parenting tips, and don’t hesitate to contact us with any questions!

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Co Parenting a Newborn: How to Do It Successfully

Co Parenting a Newborn

When a relationship ends, making a new parenting arrangement is never easy, especially with an infant. However, discussing your co-parenting plans as soon as possible is necessary. Co-parenting a newborn needs a specific arrangement to meet their needs and nurture their well-being.

During the infant stage, a newborn baby wants to secure attachments to their parents. As they rely on a routine, devising a consistent and stable co-parenting plan is essential.

To ensure your child’s well-being, you and your co-parent must work as a team. Read on to learn how to co-parent a newborn baby.

1. As Divorced Parents, Set Your Feelings Aside

In a divorce, your emotions about the whole situation can range from sadness to anger. This makes it the most challenging when discussing sharing custody. For successful co-parenting, you must set your feelings aside and focus on the need of your child.

Co-parenting isn’t about you and your ex-spouse. You talk about the stability, happiness, and well-being of your child. Although you can feel hurt and angry, never let your feelings control your actions.

Did you know that a newborn baby can absorb what you feel? If you feel stressed, your baby reacts by crying, sneezing, or yawning. With this, never vent your frustration in front of your child.

If you need to relieve the intense emotions, you can call your family, friend, or therapist. Doing activities, such as exercising and journaling, can let off your steam, too. Note that an infant can absorb what you feel despite not showing any aggression.

For effective co-parenting, you must cooperate and communicate with the other parent.

2. Learn to Communicate

Feeling intense emotions is normal after going separate ways with your ex-partner. However, your sadness, anger, and frustration can hinder your planning. If you don’t set your feelings aside, it’s hard to communicate with the other parent.

With this, you need to clear your mind. Note that you’re communicating with your ex-partner for your child’s well-being. Having a peaceful and purposeful talk is vital when co-parenting a newborn.

To prevent any conflict, keep your baby the main topic of every discussion you have with your co-parent. Further, remember that you don’t always need to meet up with your ex-spouse. You can communicate through phone, text, or email about sharing custody.

When communicating, note that your goal is to have conflict-free co-parenting.

3. Remember Your New Roles When Co-Parenting

When you get into a relationship, there are times when you and your partner decide together. You always ask for the opinion and permission of each other on different matters. It’s challenging to work by yourselves when the relationship ends.

As a result of the separation, you must limit your opinion about how the other parent lives. It’s vital in your co-parenting relationship to recognize the issues to get involved in and not. Spending habits and other relationships are out of the question.

However, you can say something about how you must discipline your child. Acknowledging the roles and boundaries is hard. Although challenging, talking about these issues can establish a good co-parenting relationship.

4. Co-Parent as a Team

The mindset of working as a team in co-parenting a newborn is essential. As mentioned, there are matters where you and your co-parent must decide. Having a genial, consistent, and cooperative discussion can lead to effective co-parenting.

When making decisions involving the future welfare of the baby, the parents must talk about it. You and your co-parent must come up with a plan where both contribute. Some matters to discuss are your child’s medical, future education, and financial needs.

To reach an agreement, the parents must be open, honest, and direct about these matters.

Further, when co-parenting a newborn, supporting each other is helpful. For instance, breastfeeding is hard as the divorced parents don’t live together. If you’re the supporting parent, the best thing you can do is to help in nursing the baby.

Although it’s hard, working as a team is vital to reaching the child’s well-being.

5. Develop a Co-Parenting Plan

If you’re sharing custody of your infant with your ex-partner, coming up with a verbal agreement isn’t enough. Developing a contract detailing your co-parenting plan for the newborn baby is vital. A co-parenting plan is a document that states the agreed conditions about how to co-parent.

To make one, you must discuss each parent’s rights and responsibilities for the child. It must include the visitation schedule, decision-making guidelines, and other vital matters. After discussing, you can set your way up to create the conditions.

With a plan, you have structured and clear guidelines for caring for the child. Further, it strengthens your co-parenting relationship. If you build a strong bond with your co-parent, it reduces stress and secures the well-being of the child.

6. Create a Schedule

When co-parenting a newborn, consistency is vital as the infant relies on a routine. Experts encourage divorced parents to be present during infancy through regular visitation. Creating a schedule can help achieve an effective co-parenting plan.

To keep consistent contact, consider the distance and availability of the co-parents. You must not keep the baby away from either parent for several days. For infants, regular visits set expectations and boundaries.

If you’re a non-residential parent, ensure to visit the baby several times a week. When visiting, you must use the time to bond with the infant to familiarize them with your presence. You can feed, soothe, or bathe the newborn if you want.

Further, you must consider the routine and feeding time of the baby when creating a schedule. Arrange visitation and pick-up times, not in conflict with routine or wind-down. When faced with inconsistent events, the baby can start feeling anxious.

7. Make Room to Grow

As the saying goes, change is the only constant thing in life. This applies to co-parenting a newborn as their needs change as they grow. A point comes where plans can no longer meet the child’s needs.

To prevent any issues, the parents must build up the transition into their plan. Instead of using the same schedule and making an abrupt change, easing your way into the new routine is best. If you need help with suitable changes to make, you can ask for help from experts about co-parenting.

An Effective Way For Co-Parenting a Newborn

Co-parenting a newborn is different from caring for other ages. During infancy, there are more needs to meet and factors to consider. With this, you need to develop an effective co-parenting plan to ensure the child’s well-being.

For questions on effective co-parenting, you can visit the 2Houses blog for information. Consider reaching us here for queries about our co-parenting facilitator services.

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How to Co-Parent with a Restraining Order

Parenting with a Restraining Order

Let’s face it: being a parent is hard. Although it is probably the best job you will ever have, it isn’t always easy or clear how to parent effectively. Even with all the parenting books available, there are still those gray areas that don’t take into account the different personalities of each child, or the parenting style of each parent. To make things even harder, you and your child’s other parent are now exes, and you have a Restraining Order against you, and you are ordered to co-parent. That’s a whole jumbled-up mess in and of itself. What should you do now that you find yourself in separate households? Who gets to see the child on their birthday or holidays? How do you adjust to downsizing from a two-income household to a one-income household? There are so many questions that desperately need answers. While there are no hard-and-fast rules for co-parenting with a Restraining Order, there are some general do’s and don’t’s that will guide you through the multitude of issues of co-parenting with a Restraining Order.

Restraining Orders in General

Restraining Orders are orders that are signed by a judge that directs people what they should and should not do. They are automatic in divorces, and some of the restrictions automatically apply to divorcing couples. For example, the parties are not allowed to move their child out of the state or sell property while the divorce case is still pending. All the restrictions are in place to protect both parties from physical or mental harm, protect the child’s best interest, and to preserve assets. Both parties are informed of the Restraining Order when they get the divorce papers. Each person may contest any part of the Restraining Order and request that it be removed within 30 days of receiving a copy. Most of the Restraining Orders end when the divorce is finalized.

Obeying the Restraining Order

When the Restraining Order was signed, it had conditions of do’s and don’t’s for co-parenting. Possibly the most important rule to successfully co-parenting with a Restraining Order is to follow the order’s conditions. Not only will doing so most likely make things go smoother with you and your ex, but it will also look favorable the next time you are in Court. If the judge sees that you are obeying the Order and doing your part to co-parent in a way that is best for your child, he or she will be more likely to grant you custody, or decide if you will be allowed to see your child at all.          

Custodial Decisions

Judges must make custodial decisions that he or she believes are best for the child. The judge will take into account a plethora of things, such as the individual needs of the child, whether the parents communicate well, and any domestic violence. Courts have agreed that domestic violence is never what is best for the child. In a divorce case involving alleged abuse, the judge could order supervised visits, pause any visitation, or terminate it completely until the domestic violence offender finishes a parenting or counseling class. Therefore, it is in you and your child’s best interest to obey the rules of your Order. You will be more likely to stay in your child’s life, and your child will see how to handle disappointing or challenging circumstances.

Communication with Your Co-Parent

Communicating with your co-parent while there is an active Restraining Order can cause additional trouble. Most of the time, Restraining Orders contain a clause forbidding all contact between the two parties. However, successful co-parenting requires some level of communication. Since contacting your co-parent is an issue in a Restraining Order, it’s best to end all communication with your co-parent. If there are situations that you need to discuss with your co-parent regarding your child, there are several options for routing around this obstacle to successful co-parenting with a restraining order.

First, consider hiring an attorney of your choice to communicate on your behalf. This avenue allows you to relay your wishes without going against the Court’s rules, or possibly affecting your chance of parenting in the future. He or she can perform the leg work of each of the following tips.

  1. Ask the Court for an exemption to the Restraining Order that allows for discussing co-parenting matters.
  2. Apply for permission to communicate through phone calls, texting, emailing, and any social media outlet.
  3. Request that both parties can utilize a third party to communicate with each other.
  4. Consider asking for permission to use an actual notebook or diary to discuss any parenting information. Either the child or another party would hand the notebook to the other parent, then back to the original parent.
  5.  Think about requesting to use a reliable co-parenting app. These apps allow both parents to send messages, share pictures, stay on schedule, track expenses, including shared ones, and many other functions. There are some apps that are free and some that charge a monthly fee.

If the Restraining Order states that you both may not go near each other, it will most likely designate someone that can get your child to you and your ex. This could be a friend, family member, or a visitation officer. Ask your family law attorney for suggestions of a Children’s Contact Services company, if the judge ordered that one be used.

Most of the time, Restraining Orders determine a certain amount of physical space that must be kept between the parents. This can make attending family and school functions hard. To keep from disobeying the judge’s Order, it might be helpful to plan different times that each person will get there, adjust seating locations, or to take turns with who goes to which events. Just remember that it is the restrained person’s duty to adhere to the Order and to ensure no clause of the order is violated, even if the other parent initiates contact.

Need More Help Co-Parenting with a Restraining Order?

If you are still experiencing issues that are keeping you from successfully co-parenting with a Restraining Order, consider hiring a family law attorney, if you haven’t already. They have the knowledge and expertise to know the legal ins-and-outs of co-parenting with a Restraining Order. They can file paperwork, petition the Court for certain requests, and execute many other legal-related dealings. This will save you time and energy you need to effectively co-parent.

The Take-Away

Divorce brings hard feelings, confusion, hurt, sadness, bitterness, anger, and many more feelings. These feelings don’t go away quickly. And, divorce becomes even more difficult when a child is involved. But successful co-parenting is necessary, especially when a Restraining Order is involved. But it absolutely is possible. Do everything in your power to follow the Order and make things go smoothly for you, your ex, and most importantly, your child. Make sure that you are able to be there for your child by following the terms and conditions of your Order. Show your child that he or she is worth putting aside your own desires, such as the desire to be right or to be heard. If you need help navigating the jungle that is co-parenting, research and hire a family law attorney in your area. You and your child’s relationship will thank you.

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Better Back-to-School Experience After a Recent Separation

Our family after a recent separation

Divorce requires major adjustments, and not just from the couple who’s splitting. Kids have to get used to a new normal, too — but they won’t be down forever.

Research suggests that most children bounce back within two years of their parents’ divorce. That’s better than the alternative, according to the American Psychological Association. They say that children with parents who stick together although they don’t get along face more problems down the line.

One major adjustment that children of divorce have to make is the return back to school after a separation. You may be wondering, “What can I do to make sure this is easy on our family?” Here are five tips for making the return back to school after a divorce as smooth as possible.

1. Create a Routine

Regardless of whether or not you’ve had a separation, routine is so important to your children. When they’re toddlers, routines help them to learn good behavior and habits. The same goes as they get older, and it becomes even more important to children whose parents have divorced.

Why? Because having a routine that they follow will give your children a sense of stability, too, which they will crave after their lives change in a major way. 

Work with your former spouse to decide who will do drop-offs and pick-ups every day, and who will take the kids to and from their activities. When they know who will be there to get them, they will feel a sense of calm, which is exactly what you want after a stretch of uncertainty.

2. Talk to Their Teachers

Your child might not want to talk to their teachers, coaches, counselors, or principals about what has happened. However, it will be beneficial to them and to your child to have school officials know.

Keep in mind that your child’s teachers want them to succeed as much as you do. Having a conversation before they return to school can help the teacher — or coach or principal — to be on the lookout for any changes in behavior. For example, if your child seems detached or sad, the teacher can guide them to the help they need from the school counselor.

At the very least, having a teacher know what’s going on will ensure your child has someone who’s understanding and sympathetic when they’re at school. For a child dealing with a big life change, that can make all of the difference.

3. Coordinate With Your Former Spouse

On that note, communication is key to making this transition as painless as possible. You don’t just need to talk to your child’s teachers, though. You need to make communication with your former partner as productive as you possibly can.

You will need to have conversations about all of the above and more. Who will handle what school-related responsibilities? Who will pay for fees and supplies? 

You and your former partner will also want to coordinate on attending school activities, performances, concerts, etc. It will be important to your child to have you both at big events, so you will have to be sure you both know what’s happening, and when.

A great way to figure all of this out is with a joint calendar specifically designed for those who are co-parenting. You can use these apps to schedule your everyday responsibilities and big events. You can also mark dates and times when you’ll be busy and have to readjust your schedule, too.

4. Give Your Child Space 

Not all children love school, but going to school does provide a lot of the stability and routine we discussed earlier. So, it’s important to let your child go to school without issue, enjoy their friends, and perhaps forget about their divorce-related concerns while they’re there.

How can you do this? For starters, we suggest discreetly discussing the divorce with other grown-ups, but not making it a widely known change to your child’s friends. They should be able to disclose such a big change when they feel comfortable.

Unfortunately, too, not all divorces are amicable. Even if there is discord or drama, though, you should try and keep that from your children and especially from their friends. Don’t let any disagreements play out at school or even when your child has a school friend over at your house.

5. Let Your Child Speak, Too

As you iron out the details of your divorce, don’t forget that your childish going through a huge change, too. Make sure they know that they can talk to you about anything, any time. Building that trust is vital to your relationship with your child, and it will also make them feel more confident and secure in a difficult time.

Keep in mind that this will be their first time returning to school after a major life change. Listen to and acknowledge their concerns and feelings. Even if your child is young, it’s so important that they feel listened to and valid in what they’re feeling.

If your child isn’t opening up, simply ask them how their day went when they get home. Try asking open-ended questions so that they talk more. Eventually, they should feel comfortable enough to express anything divorce-related that has been weighing on them, and you’ll both feel better for having the conversation.

Go Back to School Strong After Separation

After a separation or divorce, you might think, “Our family won’t recover.” But the truth is, you can make the transition easier on your children by providing them stability and comfort. That applies to your back-to-school journey and everything in between.

We’re here to make your divorce easier on everyone, too. Click here to learn more about 2houses, an app designed to make scheduling simple for parents who have split up.

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How Can a Family Live Happily in Two Houses?

Live Happily in Two Houses?

One thing to keep in mind when dealing with divorce: you are not alone. The proportion of adults 35-39 who are separated has doubled from 2 percent in the 1970s to 4 percent in the 2000s. Fortunately, resources are available to make divorce easier for both parents and children. Yes, it’s possible for a family to live happily in two houses. 

In this article, we’ll talk about helpful tips to help children better cope with their parent’s divorce. We can help both parents and children in overcoming challenges associated with separation and live happily in two houses. 

Tips to Helping Your Children Cope Better 

To some children, living in two homes can be challenging. It may be more difficult especially when the ex-partner decides to live with another partner. Our tips can help your children accept the situation and still live happily albeit in two homes. 

Talk to Them About the Arrangement

As soon as you reached an agreement with your ex-partner, talk to your child right away. Explain things clearly as to why they need to live in two homes. Talk to them about the arrangement and explain why it has to be that way. We suggest both partners should talk to the children about the arrangement. If the kids have questions, be honest with your answers. 

Never Argue in Front of the Children

Arguing is normal between two people but it will not be healthy when you argue in front of your children. As much as possible, control your anger especially when the children are present. It can be difficult but you will have to try harder. 

If you need to argue, do this outside and not within your child’s earshot. Better yet, use email or the phone, and make sure the children aren’t present when you’re talking. Work things out amicably, as much as possible to avoid more conflicts down the road. 

Make Them Part of Your New Family

If you have new children, make sure that your kids from the previous relationship feel welcome in your home. Make them part of the family, as much as possible. Include them in celebrating special occasions or milestones. 

Never make them feel an outsider in your new family as that will be very difficult for them. We suggest giving them more time with their half-siblings, for them to get to know each other. You may want to enroll them in the same school too if this is possible. Remember, children can be sensitive especially when it comes to receiving attention. Make sure that you treat them equally to avoid parent-child issues.

Communication Constantly 

Communication is crucial to making a parent-child relationship work. If you’re a busy parent, make time to call or email your child. Countless platforms are available to help you get in touch with your children. Social media is one of them. 

In addition, make sure to also reach out to your ex-partner when it comes to your child’s progress or condition. We suggest using helpful tools to help you better communicate with your ex-wife or husband. Our 2houses features a simple messaging tool to help you better communicate with either your ex-partner or children. 

Spend Quality Time Together

For most families, mealtimes are when the parents talk to their kids about how their day went or how they are doing. Take advantage of this opportunity to talk to your children, tell jokes, plan an outing, or talk about anything under the sun. From time to time, organize a lunch out or dinner. Go to a favorite family restaurant and perhaps go to a movie after. 

Give Your Kids Their Own Space in Each of Your Home

Make them feel at home in both houses by giving them their own space. Encourage them to decorate their own bedroom however they want to decorate it. Never be judgmental of their taste to avoid conflicts. Also, consider having duplicate items in both houses so that your child won’t have to pack a lot of things. Some of these items include clothing, toys, toiletries, craft supplies, and other stuff your kids like to collect. 

Give Them Chores

Household chores don’t just help children learn about responsibility, it’s an opportunity for them to feel at home. If you have other children, make sure that you give them equal chores. Don’t let the other child do more chores than their siblings. 

Always Stay Positive 

Things may be difficult at first, but never give up. So long as you stay optimistic and open to your ex-partner, you’ll find out that a family can live happily in two homes. Be honest with each other and make sure that you don’t hold a grudge. If you feel misunderstood by your ex-partner, be open about it but try not to be argumentative. Most importantly, show your optimism in front of your children. 

Don’t make your kids guilty when they do something fun in your ex-partner’s home. Try to be genuinely happy for them and be respectful of their wishes. Also, never ask them to spy on your ex-partner as this can only lead to conflict. 

Live Happily in Two Houses

It’s understandable why some parents and children will struggle with the arrangement at first. You can make things easier by having the right communication tools. Our 2houses platform features a calendar to help both parents set and organize schedules better. We have a simple finance tool to help both parents effectively manage their finances. You can also store important information about your child and share it with your ex-partner. You can share photo albums and even share videos of your children. Try our 14-day trial now or talk to us if you have further questions. 

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Put Your Kids First: Co-parenting With Someone Who Hurt You

Put your kids first

Shared custody agreements between parents in the United States grew to 25% recently. This is becoming a way of life for many people due to the high divorce rate, modern life changes, and non-traditional households. Effective co-parenting can nurture and guide a child toward becoming a well-adjusted adult. 

With the right strategies, everyone involved will come out of the situation better. But how can you co-parent with someone who hurt you?

You’ll have a larger hill to climb, but the results are rewarding. Here are some steps you can take when co-parenting with someone who hurt you. 

Seek Closure on the Relationship

Before you can enter into a co-parenting relationship, get closure on whatever hurts you experienced from the romantic relationship. Past hurts can become burdensome to the point that you’re not able to cooperate, communicate, and get on the same page.

Getting past your grievances helps you separate these feelings and do what’s right for the child. Hire professional mediation services so that you don’t leave anything unspoken with your co-parent. Clear the air early so that you can keep your focus in the right place. 

Some couples also make the mistake of never closing the door on their romantic relationship. This ends up with messy back and forth that confuses everyone involved. 

Get Professional Counseling 

In addition to relationship closure, seek professional counseling that can help you also reconcile with issues in your personal life.

Going to a counselor once a week will bring calmness to your life as you work through your custody arrangement and every aspect of co-parenting. Professional therapy can cost you $10-$30 with an insurance co-pay, and upward of $200 per session if you don’t have insurance. 

Prioritize the Child’s Needs

Keeping the child first is tops on the list of co-parenting tips that people need to follow. Every conversation that the two of you have should involve the well-being and care of your child, without muddying the waters. 

Cutting out distractions will help you make decisions when it comes to your child’s:

  • Education and homework 
  • Physical health and nutrition
  • Spiritual upbringing
  • Sports and extracurricular activities
  • Emotional and mental well-being

Set aside your individual needs and put your children first so that every decision counts. 

Improve the Way You Communicate

Strong communication strategies will help you co-parent without stepping on the landmines of past hurts. Learn to get your point across without being abrasive or offensive. Listen without reading into statements or making assumptions.

Put things in writing whenever you can, and treat the communication like a business, keeping your emotions to the side. If you’re going to send messages, consider using voice notes at times so that they can hear the tone of your voice. Some matters get lost in translation with text and can create tension. 

Take a Parenting Class

Some of the most effective co-parenting strategies you’ll learn are taught in parenting classes. Parenting classes can teach you core concepts related to parenting, and you’ll be better prepared to share time with your children. 

In addition to some traditional parenting aspects, these classes can teach things like:

  • First aid and CPR
  • Teaching your kids self-esteem
  • Learning to serve as a positive role model

When you approach parenting with this information, you will strengthen your family and your relationship with the co-parent. 

Have Regular Family Outings

Even though you live in different households, it’s important that you still take family outings. This teaches you to show up for the child’s interests while putting differences to the side and getting over past hurts. 

Your child will appreciate seeing the two of you getting along, and it’ll become easier for you to prevent emotions from hindering the process. Here are some family outings that will let you spend more meaningful time together while creating memories:

  • Going out to dinner
  • Catching a new release movie
  • Spending time at the park
  • Visiting a museum or amusement park
  • Grabbing some ice cream

Something as simple as going out as a family reinforces the fact that you still are one. Your child will look forward to these outings, and it’ll help build cohesion. 

Schedule Meetings With the Other Parent

Since you’re treating co-parenting like a business, formalize things by scheduling meetings with the other parent. These updates will do away with blind spots and will help keep you in the loop with each other. 

Keeping things in writing will also help you in the event that you have an issue that you need to take to family court. The more frequently you communicate with the other parent, the easier it’ll become over the years. 

Put Equality Out of Your Mind

Many people in co-parenting relationships doom themselves from the start because they’re under the illusion that things can or should be completely equal. 

Even if you have 50/50 shared custody, don’t expect things to be completely equal. You should be treated fairly, but there’s give and take in every relationship. More often than not, things won’t be split cleanly down the middle.

Internalizing this reality lets you set realistic expectations with each other and the situation as a whole.  

Co-Parenting With Someone Who Hurt You

Hurt is part of relationships, and you’ll walk away with plenty of it after ending a marriage. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t still co-parent effectively. Let the tips above guide you when you’re co-parenting with someone who hurt you. 

Apply the points in this article and check out our other posts about co-parenting and other issues. 

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How to Facilitate Shared Expenses Management for Divorced Parents

How to Facilitate Shared Expenses Management for Divorced Parents

Children are money-sucking machines. The cost for a middle-income family to raise a child is roughly $233,610. That’s almost $13,000 a year for 18 years in shared expenses.

After a divorce, your costs may change, but you should still expect to pay thousands for your child. You must work with your co-parent on shared expenses so your child has the best life possible. 

When should you talk with your ex about shared expenses options? How does child support affect shared expenses? What should you do about one-time and emergency expenses? 

Answer these questions and you can cover all of your bills without a problem. Here is your quick guide.

Talk to Your Ex About Shared Expenses

You should discuss sharing expenses with your ex early in the separation process. If you can, sit down with them and figure out a split that works for both of you.

Most judges require divorce agreements to have written plans for splitting expenses. You can reach whatever agreement works for you and your ex. If both of you earn roughly the same amount of money, you can split the expenses 50-50. 

If one of you earns more money than the other, the person who earns more can pay for more expenses. But the other parent should contribute. 

You don’t have to split all expenses. While you have custody of your child, you should pay for food and gifts, not your ex. 

Understand What Child and Spousal Support Covers

If one of you needs support to cover your child’s expenses, the other parent can offer child support. Each state has its own laws for child support. Talk to a lawyer before you figure out how to use child support to pay for the bills. 

In general, child support goes toward essential living expenses. You can use the money to pay for clothing, food, and housing. Child support may not cover health insurance or optional expenses like private school tuition. 

Child support lasts until a child turns 18. If they go to a college or university, they can continue to receive money for their education. This includes certificate and graduate programs.

Spousal support or alimony is separate from child support. It covers one person’s expenses, including housing and food. Once they become independent, they no longer receive spousal support.

You cannot use spousal support to pay for your child’s expenses. There may be some overlap, as paying for your child’s housing often means paying for your housing. But money intended for you must go toward you primarily. 

If you find a new partner, you should not expect them to pay for your child. They can do it if they want to, but they are under no obligation to chip in. Grandparents and other relatives can also chip in, but only if they have the money and desire to do so.

Develop a Schedule

You should first develop a custody schedule so you know when you have physical custody of your child. You should then figure out a payment schedule when you and your co-parent need to cover the bills. You may need to pay for groceries every week and rent every month. 

You should also figure out when you need to pay one-time payments. Your child may need new school supplies in September, or you may need to get them gifts for their birthday.

Once you have your expenses charted out, you and your co-parent should figure out how you will pool your money. You can create a joint bank account and put money into it before you make a major payment.

If you keep your accounts separate, you can record when you make your payments on an app or a chart. Figure out how to manage shared expenses with an app for divorced parents. 

Keep in Touch With Your Ex

You can follow your plan for managing expenses until your child becomes independent. However, you should remain in touch with your ex to see if your plan is going well.

You can communicate with your ex however you want. You can use an app, social media, or phone conversations.

If you need to talk with them about a major expense, you should have a face-to-face conversation so you can talk in full detail. You can make changes to your shared expenses plan if both of you agree on it. 

Keep your conversations focused on expenses and don’t hash out a topic that doesn’t relate to your child directly. If you want, you can bring someone with you or communicate with your co-parent through an intermediary.

Prepare for Sudden Expenses

You should expect emergencies that you have to pay for. Your child may develop a medical condition that requires treatment, or they may need special education services. 

Develop a plan with your co-parent to cover these unexpected expenses. Most parents split emergency expenses evenly, though you may need to pay more if your child is with you.

You also need to think about what would happen if you or your ex lose your job. The co-parent that still has their job may need to take over the other parent’s expenses while they find work. They may also need to pay temporary support to the unemployed spouse so they can keep their home. 

Start Sharing Your Parenting Expenses

You can figure out shared expenses with your co-parent. Talk to your ex as soon as possible and write a formal plan for how you will split expenses. Keep in mind that child support goes toward expenses specifically for your child. 

Develop a schedule so you know when the money is coming in. Stay in touch with your ex so you can deal with emergencies as soon as they happen. Try to split one-time expenses evenly, but step up if your ex needs support. 

Take advantage of tools for shared expenses. 2houses offers premium co-parenting apps. Get started today.

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50/50 Shared Custody: A Guide to Birdnesting Divorce

50/50 Shared Custody: A Guide to Birdnesting Divorce

Getting divorced is one of the most difficult parts of your life, especially if you have kids. If you’re worried about child custody then understand that 40% of states aim to give equal custody to both parents. 

It can be difficult to understand 50/50 custody, especially if you and your former spouse are in a birdnesting divorce. Here’s more information about 50/50 shared custody, the effects it may have on your children, and how to parent with your divorced spouse while living under the same roof.

What Is 50/50 Shared Custody?

As the name suggests, 50/50 custody is an arrangement where both parents care for the child for equal amounts of time. This arrangement is also called 50/50 physical custody since both parents spend quality time with the child. The child may also live under the same roof as both parents.

While this is the ideal arrangement, the judge won’t approve it unless it’s in the child’s best interest. Parents will also have to work out the best custody schedule, which we will cover later.

What to Ask Yourself Before Agreeing to 50/50 Custody

50/50 shared custody is an ideal situation but isn’t right for all parents. Here are things to keep in mind before agreeing to this custody arrangement.

Communication

This custody arrangement can only work if both parents are willing to set aside their differences and communicate. Any conflict between both parents needs to come to a halt for the best interest of your child.

What if communicating with your former spouse is difficult? Try a 50/50 co-parenting schedule with fewer exchanges. If you’re still running into major issues, you may have to re-think your 50/50 shared custody arrangement.

Distance

If both parents live in the same area, 50/50 custody can work. That’s because this custody arrangement requires frequent exchanges between the parents.

While living in the same neighborhood or within blocks of each other is ideal, most judges will still grant 50/50 shared custody if both parents live in the same city or even a neighboring city. As long as there isn’t a significant distance between both parents, 50/50 custody can work. The matter of how to share custody and when depends on your personal schedule and what works best for the child.

Work Schedules

You’ll have to come up with a custody arrangement that fits your child’s schedule and also the parents’ time. This means taking work schedules into consideration.

If both parents work a 9-to-5 job, 50/50 share custody can still work. If the child is still young, the child will have to attend daycare or have a babysitter/nanny during the time when the parent is at work. Unfortunately, that means the other parents will spend less time with the child. If the child is older, they will likely have their own schedule. We will cover this in the next section.

If this is the issue you’re facing, talk to your employer about adopting flexible work hours. You can also try another schedule arrangement. We will cover this later in the article.

Child’s Schedule

In addition to the parent’s work schedule, it’s important to take the child’s schedule into consideration. Kids and teenagers often have extracurricular activities and hobbies that take up a large portion of their time. This can include sports, music, and more. Keep your child’s hobbies and passions in mind when creating a 50/50 shared custody arrangement.

What Is Birdnesting?

Birdnesting is a living arrangement where your kids live in the same home. Each parent takes turns living in that house. Both parents usually also live elsewhere, allowing them to go back and forth between the family home and their personal home.

There are many benefits of birdnesting. Your child won’t feel the pressure of the divorce since they’re in the family home. They also don’t need to move between two different homes. Both parents will still get quality time with the child.

There are different reasons why parents choose birdnesting. They may choose this arrangement during the divorce; if the couple is separated and purchased separate homes, they may try birdnesting to see if it works. Some also choose to do birdnesting after the divorce.

50/50 Shared Custody Schedule Templates

One of the biggest benefits of the 50/50 custody arrangement is there are numerous schedules you can follow. Here are a few common examples. Pick the one that best suits your schedule as well as your child’s.

Mid-Week

The mid-week schedule is becoming a popular child custody arrangement. The initial exchange happens at the beginning of the week with a second exchange occurring in the middle of the week. This is best if one parent works during the week while the other works during the weekend.

There are some downsides to this arrangement. You’ll only have your child for three or four days at a time. This schedule also means there will be less time away from your child. Since there are more frequent exchanges, this is the best schedule for parents who live near each other. It also works well if you raise your kids in a birdnesting arrangement.

Alternating Weeks

This has been one of the most common 50/50 shared custody exchanges for years. One parent has the child one week and the other parent has the child the next week. Both parents alternate the weeks they have their child.

There are benefits to this arrangement. Exchanges occur at a minimum, so this is best if one parent lives in another city. Both parents have a strong relationship with their children and they also get a week to themselves.

At the same time, this exchange has its disadvantages. It’s often the most difficult arrangement for younger children. If you’re birdnesting, this means you’re spending a whole week away from your second home.

We Make 50/50 Shared Custody Easy

While 50/50 shared custody is the best-case custody arrangement, it does come with some difficulties — especially when you’re birdnesting. For example, managing expenses and schedules can become tedious. Don’t worry, we have a solution to improve your family and financial lives. Take a look at our services and tools.

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Summer Break Parenting Plan: Applying 20/80 Shared Custody

Summer Break Parenting Plan

Divorce is far trickier than you could imagine. There were 7.6 new divorces per 1,000 American women in 2019. 

It’s one thing to separate from your spouse, and it’s another to negotiate child custody. A 20/80 shared custody gives both parents opportunities to be with their child. It may seem straightforward, yet the summer break can throw some obstacles in your way. 

What parenting schedule should you adopt? Can you accommodate midweek visits or summer vacations? What should you do about overnights and special events at summer camp? 

Answer these questions and you can create the perfect shared custody schedule for this summer. Here is your quick guide. 

Pre-assigned Weekends

You and your co-parent can decide on any shared custody plan you want. Take a look at a few custody and visitation schedules so you know how parenting after a divorce can work.

In general, 20/80 shared custody plans involve pre-assigned weekends. The parent with 20% custody will take over during the weekends so the child’s schedule is not disrupted. 

The alternating weekend schedule keeps the child at home with the parent with 80% custody during the week. Every other weekend, the child goes to the other parent. 

If this schedule is a little too confusing, you can assign particular weekends every month. Many parents like the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends schedule. This gives an opportunity for the parent with 20% custody to have custody for back-to-back weekends, letting them engage in projects with their child. 

Exchange times can take place whenever you want. Some parents choose to exchange custody on Friday evenings and Monday mornings during the summer. This gives the child an opportunity to spend the entire weekend with their parent. 

A 20/80 parenting plan can involve a lot of travel. To minimize the inconvenience, you can opt for a birdnesting housing arrangement.

Your child stays in one home, and you and your co-parent cycle out of it. You and your co-parent can share a home, or each of you can find your own housing. 

Midweek Visits

You can incorporate midweek visits while keeping to an alternating weekend schedule. You can do this in a few different ways. 

The parent with less custody can take control on an afternoon during the week. The other parent can attend meetings or appointments without worrying about their child. The time they spend during the week can get taken out of their weekend custody, or you can allow for a few extra hours. 

You and your co-parent can spend time together on a weekday. If you’re not comfortable being with your co-parent, you can ask a family member to watch over your child. Use this as an opportunity for your child to spend time with a grandparent or another loved one. 

Summer Camp

Most parents can accommodate summer camp into their parenting plan easily. However, there are a few circumstances that can affect your shared parenting plan.

Your child may have an overnight stay during the time when the parent with 20% custody has custody. The parent with 20% custody can take over at a different time or get extended time on a weekend. 

The camp may need chaperones for an event. The parent who has custody during the event can serve as a chaperone. If both of you are busy, a grandparent or another relative can serve as one. 

If your child is participating in an event like a concert, both of you can attend. You can sit in different sections of the venue and meet with your child afterward.

You can handle the expenses of summer camp in whatever way makes sense to you. The parent with 80% custody can pay most of the expenses, though the parent with 20% should chip in. You can split the costs of overnight stays and day trips, or the parent with custody during those trips can pay for them.

Vacations 

One of you can take your child on a vacation during their summer break. Both of you should have a conversation about the vacation just so you know where your child is. If it doesn’t interfere with your custody schedule, the conversation can be a simple one about what the vacation plans are.

If it does interfere with the schedule, you should figure out a compromise. The other parent can take the child on their own vacation, or they get extra time with their child during the week. 

The parent who is arranging the vacation should be responsible for the expenses. It is unfair for someone to pay for a vacation that they are not involved in. If you are both going on vacation together, you both can pay for it.

If money is a problem for you, you should scale your vacation down. You can bring your child to another state or do a daycation. You remain at home and do something fun that you haven’t done before, like going to an art museum.

Emergencies

You should be in constant contact with your co-parent. You can use phone calls, social media, and co-parenting apps to remain in communication with each other. 

Both of you deserve to know if your child is going through something like a medical emergency. Get in contact with your co-parent right away and figure out how both of you can offer support. If your child is in the hospital, both of you should be there to affirm your child. 

Don’t worry about your custody schedule until the emergency has passed. If your child needs additional support, both of you can see or speak to your child every day. Talk to the staffers at your child’s summer camp so they know what is going on.

Creating the Perfect 20/80 Shared Custody Summer Schedule

You have to put some work into your 20/80 shared custody schedule. You can select an alternating weekend arrangement, and you can accommodate midweek visits. 

You must talk to your co-parent about how to handle summer camp. Be flexible so you can serve as a chaperone and attend your child’s performances.

Communicate with your co-parent so you can talk about vacations and emergencies. Both of you can take your child wherever you want if it doesn’t interfere with custody.

Co-parenting is a lot easier with the latest technology. 2houses provides premium tools for co-parents. Get started today.

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Guardianship vs. Custody: What’s the Difference

Guardianship vs. Custody

A lot of people wrongly assume that custody and guardianship are the same thing, or at least that they are the same in all but name. While both relate to the care of others, they are not the same. There are some key differences between custodians and guardians.

Understanding the difference is crucial, especially if you are heading into any legal proceedings. A good guardianship attorney can make all the difference and help you to win any case brought forward.

What is Custody?

Custody of a child can relate to both physical and legal custody.

Physical custody means physical control of the child for a period of time, having them stay in your house at that time, for instance. So, someone who isn’t the custodian may have rights to see someone for a certain time, and in that time they have physical custody.

Legal custody means the authority for decision-making regarding children, and things like their schooling or any medicine they are taking.

What is Guardianship

Guardianship, on the other hand, generally refers to a legal relationship in which one party (‘the guardian’) is empowered to act for the benefit of another (‘the ward’).

Guardianship is slightly different, it refers to a legal arrangement. The guardian is allowed in the eyes of the law to act for the benefit of the “ward” or young person in question. The relationship can be a good way to help to look after both children but also adults with mental disabilities. The responsibilities of guardians aren’t the same as of parents or custodians, but they do need to keep the child safe and protected, guardianship can also be temporary in some scenarios such as the parents being alive but unable to provide care.

What Decision-Making Power Do Custodians and Guardians Have

Custodians are usually more involved in the decision-making of a child or vulnerable adult, and creating a course for their life and future. Having custody of a child means having the majority of the rights that parents ordinarily have, depending on any court arrangements which may limit custody.

If you are a guardian of a child then there is every chance that you will just be making the day-to-day decisions. You might be helping a child with their homework, deciding what they eat for their lunch, and more, but you won’t be making the big decisions such as how an illness is treated.

What’s the Difference Between Physical and Legal Child Custody

Physical custody over a child is having them in your physical presence and being able to look after them for that time. For instance, separated parents may share custody, and one sees the child at the weekends while the other sees them during the week. Legal custody is more related to decision-making and being able to have a steer over the child’s life. This means choosing things like how they will be cared for, where they go to school, and more.

Who Appoints a Custodian or a Guardian

A custodian or guardian is appointed by the court, with a judge having the final say on who is appointed after looking at the evidence and often the wishes of parents if they have passed away.

If the change in custody is a shock and nobody has planned for it then the courts will be able to rule over the custody or guardianship of a child or a vulnerable adult.

Who May Receive Custody or Guardianship

A court can appoint a guardian or custodian, and only a judge has the power to make the final decision. However, that doesn’t mean people don’t have any input on their own children. Estate planning is crucial, and in your will you can outline who you would like to take custody of your children in the event of you passing away. This is why it is so crucial that you have quality legal representation.

In order to be a custodian or a guardian in the US, you must be a US citizen, of sound mind, without being convicted of any felonies. It is also crucial that you are 18 years of age or older. For instance, a 17 year old could not take custody of a relative.

Duration of Custodianship vs. Guardianship

In short, guardianship can be temporary. For instance, if the parents are still alive but not able to take care of their children at the current time. This could even be kept under review.

If a court grants permanent guardianship or custody then this will usually last until a minor is 18 years old, or there are some situations where it can end early. For instance, if they join the military or get married. Plus, if a court deems that a guardian can no longer carry out their duties and look after the individual in question, guardianship can be terminated.

Guardianship and custody is quite complex, and applies to minors as well as adults who are suffering from a mental illness or handicap in some scenarios. The court proceedings can be complicated and there are plenty of lawyers who specialize in the area and getting what is right for a child. Decisions are made by a judge, even if a parent has outlined who they would like to take care of their children.