Helping your child through a divorce

help your child through a divorce - 2houses

Thousands of kids experience the stress of divorce each year. How they’ll react depends on their age, personality, and the particular circumstances of the separation and divorce process.

Every divorce will have an effect on the kids involved — and many times the initial reaction is one of shock, sadness, frustration, anger, or worry. But kids can also come out of it better able to cope with stress, and many become more flexible, tolerant young adults.

The most important things that both parents can do to help kids through this difficult time are:

  • Keep visible conflict, heated discussions, and legal talk away from the kids.
  • Minimize the disruptions to kids’ daily routines.
  • Confine negativity and blame about each other to private therapy sessions or conversations with friends outside the home.
  • Keep each parent involved in the kids’ lives.

Most adults going through separation and divorce need support — from friends, professionals, clergy, and family. Don’t seek support from your kids, even if they seem to want you to.

Breaking the News

As soon as you’re certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart. Although there’s no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents present for this conversation. It’s important to try to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it. Practice how you’re going to manage telling your kids so you don’t become upset or angry during the talk.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to a child’s age, maturity, and temperament, be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and is not the kids’ fault. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. So it’s vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance.

Tell your kids that sometimes adults change the way they love each other or can’t agree on things and so they have to live apart. But remind them that kids and parents are tied together for life, by birth or adoption. Parents and kids often don’t agree on things, but that is part of the circle of life — parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

Give kids enough information to prepare them for the upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids don’t need to know all the reasons behind a divorce (especially if it involves blaming the other parent). It’s enough for them just to understand what will change in their daily routine, and — just as important — what will not.

With younger kids, it’s best to keep it simple. You might say something like: “Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don’t fight so much, but we both love you very much.”

Older kids and teens may be more in tune with what parents have been going through, and may have more questions based on what they’ve overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights.

Handling Kids’ Reactions

Tell kids who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: “I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?” or “We both love you and are sorry that we have to live apart.”

Not all kids react right away. Let yours know that’s OK too, and there will be other times to talk when they’re ready. Some kids try to please their parents by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news. Sometimes stress comes out in other ways — at school, or with friends, or in changes to their appetite, behavior or sleep patterns.

Whether your kids express fear, worry, or relief about your separation and divorce, they’ll want to know how their own day-to-day lives might change.

Read more on Kidshealth.org

21 Blogs Sharing Techniques to Help You Talk to Your Child About Severe Weather

talk to you child

Severe weather is something that nearly every area of the country experiences, whether it’s a tornado, hurricane or a nor’easter. While these weather patterns can be unsettling, talking about what to do in the event that severe weather strikes and planning for how to handle it can help keep your family at ease. These 21 blog entries provide some guidance for talking to kids about severe weather without scaring them, preparing for severe weather and implementing practical tips you can use to keep your family safe.

Bad Weather Fears

According to Dr. Amador, psychologist, it’s important to discuss severe weather with your children to make sure they understand the truth about storms. When kids don’t know what to expect they tend to immediately start dreaming up the worst case scenario. Talking things through before they happen can help alleviate this so that everyone stays calm if and when severe weather strikes. These seven blog articles will help you talk to your kids about severe weather.

How to Prepare

Preparing for severe weather as a family can provide reassurance that you have a plan that will keep your family safe.  In these seven blog entries you will find suggestions on how to prepare for severe weather of all kinds.

Tips for Severe Weather

By going over safety tips with your child, he will get a better understanding of what positive things you can do to stay safe.  These tips may also prompt your child to ask questions. Be sure to answer his questions in a calm and reassuring manner.  The more prepared for a storm that you are, the better your child will be when severe weather strikes.

Read more

Understanding Divorce: Insights from a Family Law Attorney

child custody with a family law attorney - 2houses

Determining custody can be a difficult, technically challenging, and extremely emotional part of the divorce process.  This is especially true if the parents involved cannot agree, or if the case is particularly contentious.

It is helpful for parents to have a better grasp of the basics of custody and visitation so they can approach these issues with a clear understanding of the legal parameters, potential outcomes, and important considerations when attempting to reach an agreement with a co-parent or litigating a custody dispute.

What follows is a basic outline geared toward parents for that purpose.  Keep in mind that state laws vary and that this post is not intended as legal advice.  Before entering into any agreement, or becoming involved in litigation, you should consult with an attorney.

What does “custody” mean?

In our every-day use, custody refers to where a child resides.  While the legal system also uses the word custody to refer to the physical residence of a child, it may also refer to which of the parents has the legal right to make major decisions for the child’s welfare, health, and general well-being.  These decisions include significant choices for the child, such as religious upbringing, schooling, and major, non-emergency medical decisions.

What this means is that you may hear lawyers, judges and others in the legal system referring to “legal custody,” which is the decision-making authority, and “physical custody,” which is where the child resides.

How is physical custody determined?

Courts take into account many factors when reaching a decision about where a child should reside and what visitation arrangements should be made.  While these factors may vary from state to state and their individual importance will be decided on a case-by-case basis, the overriding concern of the court, and parents, is the best interests of the child or children in question.

It is also important to know that in many states, physical custody is divided into “sole,” or “primary” physical custody, meaning that one parent has the majority of time with the children; and “shared,” or “joint” physical custody, meaning that the parents share roughly equal time with the children.  These terms are also subject to interpretation and may carry with them important ramifications for other issues, such as child support, which are not discussed in this post.  Often, the physical custody determination in a given case will have a profound impact on the parties’ child support obligations.

Courts often look at the fitness of the parents when making their decision. This includes factors such as:

  • their character and reputation;
  • the desires of the parents and what previous agreements they have entered into;
  • the potential to maintain familial relationships;
  • the preferences of the children (particularly of those children who are older);
  • material opportunities affecting the future of the children;
  • the health, age and gender of the children;
  • the geographical distance between the parents’ homes, and the opportunities for visitation with either parent;
  • the length of any separation from one parent or the other; and
  • any previous voluntary abandonment of the children by one parent or the other.

As mentioned, these factors will be given different weight in every case, and there are others which a given set of circumstances may require consideration.  In every case, whether decided by a judge, a mediator, or by the parties themselves, the chief concern will be the best interests of the children.

How is legal custody determined?

Like physical custody, legal custody is typically determined by balancing a host of factors.  Again, the overriding concern of parents, lawyers and judges will be the best interests of the children in question.

The concept of legal custody can be understood as being “joint” or “sole.”  In a joint legal custody arrangement, the parties are expected to communicate with one another and reach a mutually agreed upon decision regarding the major issues affecting their children’s health, welfare and well-being.  If one parent is awarded sole legal custody, that parent has the sole right to make those decisions for the children.

There may also be a hybrid arrangement of joint and sole custody, wherein one party is awarded tie-breaking authority. This would matter in the event that the parents cannot reach a decision jointly, after they have discussed a decision for the child but still do not agree.

Again, legal custody refers to the authority to make decisions on behalf of the child which pertain to significant life events, like where the child attends school, their religious training, and similar decisions, not day-to-day questions of parental authority.

Courts typically consider the following factors when determining legal custody:

  • the capacity of the parents to communicate with one another;
  • the willingness of the parents to share legal custody;
  • the fitness of each parent;
  • the children’s preference;
  • the potential disruption to the social or school life of the children;
  • proximity of the parent’s homes;
  • the demands of each parent’s employment;
  • the age and number of children;
  • the sincerity of each parent’s request for legal custody;
  • the financial status of each parent; and
  • the impact on state or other assistance.

As with the physical custody factors, specific cases will call for individual evaluations of each of these, and potentially other, factors.

As you can see, many of the factors used to determine legal or physical custody overlap.  This is because these concepts, while separate, are often linked, both in the way we think of them and the way that a court, or the parents themselves, may reach a determination of where a child will reside and who will have decision-making authority.

For instance, if one parent is awarded primary physical custody, and therefore have the children residing with them for the majority of the time, it may be impractical to award the other parent sole legal custody, because those decisions regarding the child’s religious upbringing and schooling may potentially impact the child’s daily schedule and where he or she may need to be transported.

The best interests of the children

In every case, the focus of any determination of custody, physical or legal, is going to be what is best for the children involved.  Each of the considerations mentioned above, and others which may be important to any given set of circumstances, will always be examined through the lens of what will best serve the children.

While custody disputes are often emotionally trying cases, with an understanding of the considerations involved and keeping in mind that the children’s best interests will always be the paramount concern of the legal system, parents can work together or with their legal representatives for the best outcome for their children.

About the Author

Benjamin Marcoux is a family law attorney at Houlon Bergman, Finci, Levenstein, & Skok.

He specializes in civil litigation, collaborative law, wills, and probate and has been selected as a Super Lawyers Rising Star in both 2012 and 2013.

Connect with Benjamin Marcoux on Google+ or LinkedIn.

20 Blogs with Caring Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem

child's self-esteem - 2houses

Having high self-esteem is something that everyone needs, but something that is not necessarily easy to come by. Children especially need help developing high self-esteem, because low self-esteem can manifest into problems such as depression, eating disorders and, in extreme cases, even suicide. As a parent, one of your many jobs relating to your child is to help build up your child’s self-esteem. It’s important to really listen to your child and value what he is saying. You also want to avoid criticizing or belittling your child, as this can lay the groundwork for low self-esteem. Teach by example; by showing your child that you have strong self-esteem you can pave the way for him to follow in your footsteps. These 20 blog articles will give you the tools you need to help improve your child’s self-esteem.

Techniques

Showing pride in your child’s accomplishments will help him feel pride in himself. Listen and respect your child when he’s talking to you, just as you would want him to respect you when you are talking. Empower your child by giving him choices and letting him run with whatever he chooses.  These five blog posts will explain different techniques that can help you improve your child’s self-esteem.

ADHD

When a child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) he may feel like there is something wrong with him when he compares himself to his peers.  As a parent, it’s important that you help your child see his ADHD in a positive way. This is another opportunity to lead by example. Learn more about how to improve the self-esteem of children with ADHD through these five posts.

  • Enhancing Self-Esteem of Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder It’s not unusual for a child with ADHD to compare himself to his classmates. These comparisons can make him feel poorly, so it’s important to learn what you can do to change those feelings.
  • Best Sports for Kids with ADHD Excelling in sports can improve your child’s self-esteem, as noted in this post.
  • Kids and ADHD Often kids with ADHD feel that they are broken; the important task for the parent is to turn ADHD into a strength instead of a defect.
  • 10 Ways Pets Improve Your Health Taking care of a pet will help a child with ADHD to be more responsible, and the love of the pet will improve his self-esteem.
  • Your Brain is a Ferrari Help your child understand that his brain is a gift. When he understands that, he will be better able to work with it, allowing him to go much farther in life.

Social Skills

Children with low self-esteem often isolate themselves, which makes the situation worse. Because of this, it’s important that you help your child improve his social skills and make some friends.  Having friends will give him a better outlook on life, which will help his self-esteem improve. For more tips like these, look at these five blog posts.

Teenagers

The teenage years are formative years that can be very difficult for teenagers to navigate through. Teens are often unkind to each other, and your self-esteem can suffer when you are the one being ignored or talked.  As a parent, it’s important that you keep the lines of communication open with your teen. Try not to judge when your teen tells you what is going on with her.  Take a look at these five blog articles to read more about what you can do to help improve your teenager’s self-esteem.

Read more

Mini-guide: Ten rules for healthy co-parenting

mini-guide from 2houses, 10 rules to make the divorce better

2houses has published a small guidebook in which we specify 10 important rules for handling the situation of co-parenting. It’s a set of guidelines and recommendations that may be helpful for separated parents who are looking for some educated advice. Its contents have already been approved and encouraged by many professionals. We invite you to download it & read it again and again 🙂

To read and download the guide, you may go to this address: http://www.coparenting-guide.com/

We look forward your comments 😉

Guidelines For Divorcing and Divorced Parents

tips for divorcing parents - 2houses

Follow these guidelines to make the transition of divorce and the process of family restructuring and rebuilding easier for you and your children.

1. Divorced but still co-parents

If you have not done so already, call a truce with your Ex. (Note: Your Ex does not have to take the same action.) Divorced parents can succeed at co-parenting. That success may not begin with harmony but, at a minimum, a ceasefire is necessary.

2. You are stuck with each other forever

One day, you will be Grandma and Grandpa to the same babies. And when these babies are grown they will repeat the stories that they heard about Grandma and Grandpa. This will be your legacy. How do you want to be depicted?

3. Divorce creates a breakdown of trust and communication

Accept this and work towards rebuilding trust and communication with the other parent, even if it feels like you are doing all of the work. And, be patient, emotional wounds need time to heal.

4. Establish a business relationship with your former spouse

The business is the co-parenting of your children. Business relationships are based on mutual gain. Emotional attachments and expectations don’t work in business. Instead, in a successful business communication is up-front and direct, appointments are scheduled, meetings take place, agendas are provided, discussions focus on the business at hand, everyone is polite, formal courtesies are observed, and agreements are explicit, clear, and written. You do not need to like the people you do business with but you do need to put negative feelings aside in order to conduct business. Relating in a business-like way with your former spouse may feel strange and awkward at first so if you catch yourself behaving in an unbusiness-like way, end the conversation and continue the discussion at another time.

5. There are at least two versions to every story

Your child may attempt to slant the facts in a way that gives you what she thinks you want to hear. So give the other parent the benefit of the doubt when your child reports on extraordinary discipline and/or rewards.

6. Confirm your decisions with your ex-spouse

Do not suggest possible plans or make arrangements directly with pre-adolescent children. And, always confirm any arrangements you have discussed with an older child with the other parent ASAP.

7. Make a soft transition for the wellbeing of the children

The transition between Mom’s house and Dad’s house is often difficult. Be sure to have your children clean, fed, ready to go, and in possession of all of their paraphernalia when its time to make the switch. Better yet, if possible avoid the dreaded switch by structuring your time sharing so that weekends start Friday after school and end with school drop-off on Monday morning.

8. Make sure that your child maintains communication with his other parent

Do not screen calls from the other parent or limit telephone contact between your child and the other parent. Instead, ensure that your child is available to speak to the other parent when s/he is on the telephone.

9. Do not discuss adults subjects with your children

Do not discuss the divorce, finances, or other adult subjects with your children. Likewise, avoid saying anything negative about other parent and his/her family and friends to your children.

10. Be careful when talking in front of your child

Children are always listening – especially when you think they’re not. So, avoid discussions regarding the divorce, finances, the other parent, and other adult subjects when your children are within earshot.

11. Your children can read your emotions

Avoid using body language, facial expressions or other subtleties to express negative thoughts and emotions about the other parent. Your child can read you!

12. Stay positive

You can discuss your feelings with your children to the extent that they can understand them. But, if you let your child know that you are terrified of the future, your child will be terrified too. Instead, keep a balanced emotional perspective that focuses on the difference between feelings and facts.

13. Do not use your child as a courier

Do not use your child as a courier for messages or money.

Read more

Dinosaur Party

dinosaur party for kids - 2houses

Whether they are into t-rexes, fossils or the Land Before Time, most kids go through a dinosaur phase. With these exciting crafts and action packed activities, your child and their friends can have a great time romping, stomping, and roaring at a dinosaur themed birthday party.

Dino Tail Obstacle Course

Dinosaurs are known for their massive tails. In this game, your kid will see just how cumbersome they could be. To get started, you will need to mark off a path about 25 feet long and 6 feet wide. This will become an obstacle course full of objects that can easily be tipped over. For example you can arrange a bunch of empty water bottles with green paper wrapped around them as a “forest”. Or a “mountain” made out of shoeboxes standing on their side. One thing to be careful of is that the obstacle course can be set up quickly – at least a couple of objects will need to be stood back up almost every time someone goes through. The other thing you will need is a pool noodle that you can turn into a “dinosaur tail” by attaching the end of it to a child-sized belt so the end of it drags along the ground.

Divide the kids into two teams, both of which should pick dinosaur names for their groups. Then, they can take turns going through the obstacle course with the dinosaur tail strapped onto them. The catch is that they are not allowed to knock anything over, or touch their tail with their hands. Whenever a player gets through the course, that team gets 5 points. However, for each object a team member knocks over with their tail, they lose a point. To make the game more exciting, add a time limit, like 45 seconds. If the person does not finish the course in this time, they lose points for whatever they knocked over, and do not get any points for completing the course. After everyone has gone through three times, tally up the scores and see which team is the winner.

Capture the Egg

This activity is a little like capture the flag, except with some prehistoric differences. Divide an open area, like a park, into two sides. On each side, the teams should craft four “volcanoes” by piling salt dough (there are plenty of easy online recipes), dirt, clay, sand, or another similar substance around an opened but full, small bottle of Diet Coke – just make sure the mouth of the bottle sticks out. Next, each team will get a “dinosaur egg” (you can use something like a soccer ball, or actually make a dinosaur egg out of paper mache beforehand) they should put in the furthest corner of their area. Mark off an area of about 10×10 feet around each of the volcanoes and the egg; this will be a safe zone where people cannot be tagged. Then give each team a few packets of Mentos candy – just make sure they don’t eat it all. The objective of the game is for someone to steal the egg from the opposing team, and bring it back to his or her own side. However, whenever the other team tags someone in their territory, that person is out.

There are two ways to get back into the game after being tagged; if someone steals the opponent’s egg, the game restarts and everyone is back in from both sides. The other way to get back in is for a teammate to erupt one of the opposing team’s volcanoes without getting tagged. This can be done by dropping a piece of Mentos candy into the soda bottle to make it foam up and erupt. Whenever this happens the captured people from the team that set off the volcano are back in the game. One thing for the kids to keep in mind is that each volcano can only be erupted one time, so they should split them up between games. Each time a team wins, they earn 15 points. Each time they lose, they lose 5 points. The game ends after three rounds.

Extinction Tug of War

Many dinosaurs had voracious appetites and amazing strength. This game is great because it combines both, and all you need to set it up is a rope and some “pterodactyl” chicken wings. The Extinction Tug of War takes place near over one of the volcanoes from Capture the Egg. The two teams stand on either side of volcano with a rope between them and then pull against each other. If someone gets pulled over the volcano, they have fallen into hot lava are extinct until they can gobble down one of the pterodactyl wings. As soon as they do this, they are back in. Kids will love pulling and sliding each other around and over the volcano, and then racing off to chow on wings as soon as they are out. The game ends when every member of the team has become extinct, whether it is because they were overpowered, or just could not eat fast enough. They can play for three rounds, where they’ll receive 15 points for winning and a 5 point penalty for losing.

After treading carefully through the obstacle course, running around stealing eggs and exploding volcanoes, and a battle of brute force, the kids should be tired from a long day of dinosaur activities. The winning team can get the first slices of the birthday cake – after the birthday boy or girl of course. Then the children can change into their kids footed pajamas and settle down with a movie like Ice Age or the Land Before time.

 

Understanding How Assets Get Divided In Divorce

proprety division during a divorce - 2houses

Dividing the family’s property during divorce can be quite difficult, especially if there are significant assets such as houses, rental property, retirement and pension plans, stock options, restricted stock, deferred compensation, brokerage accounts, closely-held businesses, professional practices and licenses, etc.Deciding who should get what can be quite a challenge, even under the most amenable of situations. But, if your divorce is contentious, then this can be especially complicated.

Differences between separate and marital property

Assets should not necessarily be divided simply based on their current dollar value. You need to understand which assets will be best for your short- and long-term financial security. This is not always easy to discern without a thorough understanding of the asset itself – its liquidity, cost basis and any tax implications associated with its sale.

However, before we go any further, we need to discuss the differences between separate and arital Property and why that’s critically important to you. In my experience, this is an area that is not well understood by most people.

Separate property

States differ in some of the details, but generally speaking, separate property includes:

• Any property that was owned by either spouse prior to the marriage;

An inheritance received by the husband or wife (either before or after the marriage);

• A gift received by the husband or wife from a third party (your mother gave you her diamond ring);

• Payment received for pain and suffering portion in a personal injury judgment

Warning: Separate property can lose its separate property status if you commingle it with marital property or vice versa. For example, if you re-title your separately owned condo by adding your husband as a co-owner or if you deposit the inheritance from your parents into a joint bank account with him, then that property will most likely now be considered marital property.

Marital property

All other property that is acquired during the marriage is usually considered marital property regardless of which spouse owns the property or how the property is titled. Most people don’t understand this. I’ve had many clients tell me that they were not entitled to a specific asset, because it was titled in their husband’s name – such as his 401K. This is not true! This point is worth repeating because it is that important. All property that is acquired during the marriage is usually considered marital property regardless of which spouse owns the property or how that property is titled.

(State laws vary greatly, especially between Community Property & Equitable Distribution States, so please consult with your divorce attorney).

Read more

Easy Craft for Kids – The Rain Stick

the rain stick - 2houses

What is a Rainstick ?

A rainstick is a long, hollow tube partially filled with small pebbles or beans that has small pins or thorns arranged helically on its inside surface. When the stick is upended, the pebbles fall to the other end of the tube, making a sound reminiscent of rain falling.

The rainstick is believed to have been invented by the Aztecs and was played in the belief it could bring about rainstorms. Rainsticks are usually made from any of several species of cactus. The cacti, which are hollow, are dried in the sun. The spines are removed, then driven into the cactus like nails. Pebbles or other small objects are placed inside the rainstick, and the ends are sealed. A sound like falling water is made when the rainstick has its direction changed to a vertical position.

Materials

– Cardboard tube – Scrapbook paper or wrapping paper. – Sticky tape – Scissors (be careful with kids) – A piece of cardboard – Rice or dried lentils

First Step

Start by cutting two strips of cardboard and two discs of card roughly the same size as the ends of your tube. The strips need to fit inside your cardboard tube, mine are about an inch wide. Concertina the strips of cardboard.

Second Step

Place one card circle over the end of the tube and tape it firmly in place.

Third Step

Turn the tube over and push the two strips of card into the tube and pour in the rice or lentils (the bigger the grains the bigger the “rain”)

Fourth Step

Place the other card circle over the open end and tape in place to close the tube.

Read more

 

Stop buying sports drinks and protein bars – Try handmade instead

protein bars and sport drink - 2houses

In a rather sad and ironic state of affairs, individuals exercising to improve health and fitness often fall into the trap of neon colored sport drinks and sugary protein bars with questionable ingredients – believing these products support ultimate vitality and strength.

Unfortunately, these ‘foods’ compromise true health and also tend to rack up a hefty grocery bill. But making your own at home is far easier than you might imagine and affordable to boot.

Sports drinks

The Chicago Tribune article, “Sports drinks: How to make your own” offers several simple, inexpensive recipes for recovery drinks. According to registered dietitian Dawn Jackson Blatner, refueling beverages need three elements: water, electrolytes and carbohydrates. Just make sure to use purified water, organic ingredients and high quality Himalayan or Celtic sea salt for maximum nutritional benefit.

Organic Sports Drink from Kitchen Table Medicine
– Organic fruit juice
– Water or green tea
– Organic sea salt
Fill sports bottle with half juice and half water. Add a pinch of sea salt and shake.

Delicious and nutrient dense energy bars

Now onto the protein bars. Here we can really get creative. Anna Sward of Protein Pow(d)er offers the following recommendations and recipes:

“For each recipe below, bind the powder, flour and other ingredients with milk [coconut, almond or hemp varieties are heathy choices]. You can also use a nut butter. The goal is to have a batter that comes together like a dough which can be easily formed into bars. Next, melt 90-100 percent dark chocolate over low heat — enough to coat the bars, about 40 grams. Once coated, place the bars in the freezer for at least 30 minutes.”

Again, organic ingredients are recommended.

Surprise Almond and Vanilla Protein Bars
– 4 small cooked beets
– 1 cup vanilla protein powder
– 1/2 cup coconut flour
– 1/2 cup cup nondairy milk substitute
– 2 tbsp organic almond butter (peanut, pumpkin or hemp butter works as well)

Read more