Month: November 2020

Many divorces involve children, and many of those divorced parents will go on to remarry — very likely to someone who also already has children of their own. While the Brady Bunch is a great TV show, it’s not a realistic model for what the process of creating a blended family looks like in real life. It can take many years to navigate all of the challenges that come with a blended family and to build positive, respectful relationships between everyone, but it is possible. Find out more in this guide.

Step-Parenting and Blended Families

When it comes to step-parents, the stigmas are strong. On one end of the spectrum you have the wicked stepmother (or stepfather) scenario that would paint step-parents as jealous, controlling and even abusive when it comes to their stepchildren — seemingly trying to push the children out so they can be the only thing important to the other parent. Luckily, this is more television and movie fodder than it is real life. 

Most step-parents very much want to have a positive relationship with their stepchildren and look forward to building a new family unit that blends the best of both sides into something even better. However, it usually isn’t this simple even in the best of situations and with the best of intentions. 

The truth is that step-parenting is difficult. You don’t have the inherent bond that you have with your biological children, and in some cases, you may be seen as a potential threat to the child’s relationship with their biological parent or a replacement for their parent’s ex-spouse. In order to make the transition from two families to one as smooth as possible, it’s important to be aware of both the challenges and potential strategies you can use to build positive relationships and a strong family unit. 

The Challenges of Blended Families

When it comes to taking two separate families and trying to turn it into one, it can sometimes feel more like trying to mix water and oil. You’re taking two very separate family units, with different traditions, different rules and different dynamics, and trying to create something entirely new. Here are a few of the potential pitfalls to be aware of as you navigate this process.

Differences in Parenting Styles

This is perhaps the most difficult aspect of all. Chances are that you and your new spouse have had years of raising your children and have your own specific parenting style when it comes to what’s allowed, what’s not and what you do when someone breaks the rules. For example, if you’re OK with your children watching R rated movies but your new spouse thinks that anything rated higher than PG is a no, this presents issues when it comes to family movie nights or what movies children are allowed to see with friends.

Differences in parenting styles also commonly show up when it comes to discipline. If you and your new spouse have had different house rules or expectations when it comes to chores, how the family members interact with each other or what punishments are appropriate, it can quickly become a point of contention if it’s not dealt with.

Difficult Co-Parents

While there are plenty of stories out there about how new spouses and ex-spouses are able to get along very well and may even be friends, this doesn’t always happen. In some cases, the children’s biological parent may see you as a threat to their relationship with their children and try to undermine you as a step-parent. Feeling like you constantly have to defend yourself or dealing with antagonistic interactions at every school function or visitation pickup can get very taxing very quickly and put stress on both your relationship with your step-children as well as your new spouse. Keeping communication in writing and ensuring everyone has access to family calendars and the like through an app like 2houses can help.

Diverse Personalities

Every person is unique, and this is certainly true for children. And while there’s no guarantee that your personality meshes with your own biological children, you do have the benefit of the magnitude of parental love and years of experience learning how to deal with them. When you are faced with a personality clash between a step-parent and step-child, it can be very challenging to develop and maintain a positive relationship.

4 Tips for Successful Step-Parenting

While it’s possible that you may never have the same type of relationship with your step-children as you have with your biological children, that doesn’t mean that you should just give up and bide your time until the children are out of the house. There are many things you can do personally and as a family to help create a more positive step-parenting relationship. Here are just a few of your tips for getting things moving in a better direction. 

1. Take It Slow

Remember that even though you and your new spouse have decided to start a family together that your respective children probably didn’t have that same input. If they aren’t happy about the change, it’s important to realize like they may feel like it is entirely out of their control and may feel like it is something that is forced on them. With this in mind, the focus should be on taking it slow and giving everyone plenty of grace. 

It’s normal to want everything to blend seamlessly quickly, but the reality is that this is rarely what actually happens. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, it can actually take several years for everyone to adjust to the changes in the family structure and for the two families to actually start to “blend.” By thinking of this as a marathon and not a sprint, it can help you keep the proper long-game perspective and help you notice and celebrate more of the smaller wins and progress instead of focusing on the ongoing challenges.

2. Present a United Front

While it’s likely that each family has had their own traditions, rules and ways of relating to each other, all of this has to adjust when the two families come together. This means there will be times when a middle of the road compromise is available and others when one side has to “win.” One of the best things you can do to help make that transition easier is to make sure that you’re presenting a united front with your new spouse.

If possible, take some time to discuss how you’re going to handle things before they arise, so that you are able to present that united front in the moment. In situations where that’s not possible, it’s a good idea to go with whatever the first parent to respond says and then talk about it with your spouse later away from the children to discuss both viewpoints and how you can compromise and adjust for when that issue comes up again. 

For example, maybe you let your step-child buy a candy bar at the grocery store, but you found out when you got home that your spouse wanted them to wait until after dinner to have sweets. In this case, going ahead with what the step-parent said and then having a parents-only discussion afterward to come to a compromise moving forward is the best solution that ensures both sides are heard and a compromise is made without undermining the step-parent’s decision in front of the children. 

3. Respect That Each Child Is Different

One of the great things about children is that they all have different strengths and character traits that make them completely unique individuals. However, this also means that in a blended family with more than one child, you’re probably going to be dealing with different perspectives and adjustments from each child. One child might immediately take to the new partner while another needs more time to warm up and accept the change. 

One of the best things you can do as a new step-parent or a biological parent trying to make the blended family transition as smooth as possible is to accept that each child will handle the new situation differently and respect that. Encourage the children who are happy and excited about the move and give those who aren’t plenty of time and space to process things in their own time and way.

4. Embrace the Chaos

Anytime you are putting two families into one, there is a lot of change, and it’s probably going to be chaotic and imperfect for a while — and possibly forever. By embracing the change, you open the door to welcome challenges as opportunities to grow and bond together and set a good example for children who may not yet have the tools and resources to cope.

Dating is never easy, but when you’re dating someone who already has children, the stakes are even higher. Once you realize that it’s time to take things to the next level and start considering marriage, you may have some questions and concerns about what it means to be a stepfather and what you can do to be a good one. Your new spouse — or soon to be — and their kids are a package deal, so it’s important to do all you can to be a positive influence and role model. Here are some of our best strategies for becoming a successful stepdad.

Potential Pitfalls

While you may not officially be a stepdad until you say “I do,” the work you put into the relationship with the kids from the first day you meet them is crucial to your success. Being more aware of the potential issues and challenges that can crop up as a step-dad is important if you want to stay ahead of those challenges and be proactive in cultivating a positive relationship with your children. Here are a few things to be on the lookout for.

1. Resentment From the Children

Even if you’re a great guy with the best of intentions and do everything right from the start, you still might have to contend with resentment from the children. From their perspective it can feel like you’re a threat to their relationship with their biological parent, taking some of the time and energy that the kids see as could have been spent on them. You may also be a visual reminder that their parents have separated and really aren’t going to get back together — a fantasy many children of divorce hold on to.

2. Differences in Parenting Styles

Another challenge that often affects blended families is the difference in parenting styles. This may be especially true if you also have children and have developed a specific parenting style and method of relating to and disciplining your kids. For example, if your partner thinks it’s fine for the children to stay up as late as they want on the weekends but you think bedtime should still be enforced, it can be hard to get on the same page and present a united front to the children. Other potential areas that can be issues if you have different parenting styles include the level of responsibility expected from the kids when it comes to household chores, what consequences should happen if a child gets in trouble and what to do if a child is struggling academically.

3. The “Not My Dad” Problem

Even if you have a positive relationship with your step-children, the “not my dad” card can still come up when things get challenging — especially in the teenage years. While you are an authority figure in the child’s life, the truth is that the child is right: you aren’t their dad. And that can make it harder to walk the line when it comes to discipline, respect and being taken seriously. 

4. Dealing With the Bio Dad

In some cases, you may be the only father figure in the picture (which can sometimes be easier but comes with challenges of its own), but in many, you will have to learn how to deal with the children’s biological father. If you’re lucky, the dad will be a good guy who wants to be involved with his kid and is at least accepting of you if not outright welcoming. However, many stepdads have to deal with bio dads who don’t want them in the picture and actively try to sabotage their relationships with the children and their partner.

4 Strategies for Success

After reading over that list of potential pitfalls, you may be thinking either “yikes, I hadn’t thought of that!” or “OK, yes, I’m already dealing with this,” but the big question is “What do I do about it?” The good news is that there are specific strategies you can use to help create and maintain a positive relationship with your stepchildren. We’ve focused on four core areas below.

1. Focus on the Positive

It’s easy to get frustrated with your own biological children when they have attitudes, are throwing temper tantrums or aren’t obeying the rules. But it’s even easier when the child isn’t “yours.” One thing that can really help during these times is to keep the focus on the positive and ignore the negative as much as you can. For example, maybe you can ignore a sarcastic remark a child says under their breath as they walk up the stairs and at the same time remind yourself of last weekend when they curled up on the couch with you to watch a movie. Or when they pull the “not my dad” line, remember that time they gave you a handmade father’s day card with a special note inside.

It may even be helpful to keep a special box or notebook or even just a folder of pictures in your phone that documents the positives so that you have something tangible to remind yourself of when there’s a bad day.

2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Open, honest, respectful communication is key to any relationships, and this is definitely true when it comes to your relationship with your step-children. It can be a difficult line to walk between “I’m here for you” and coming across as overbearing, but it’s worth taking up the challenge. You can help foster open communication by taking an active interest in your step-children’s lives and the things that are important to them. Make a point to remember that they had a big spelling test today. Show up at the soccer game. Learn to play chess. Knowing enough about their interests and likes and dislikes to carry on a meaningful conversation and ask the right questions can go a long way toward showing them that you care and are invested in their lives and success.

It’s also equally as important to keep those lines of communication open with your partner. Even when you love someone, it can be difficult to accept someone else parenting your child or having an opinion on your child. Having regular conversations with your partner — schedule them if you need to — about how things are going and any issues that have come up can give you an easy open forum to ensure you catch any resentfulness, hurt or misunderstanding before it becomes a bigger problem.

3. Be a Role Model

The old adage “you have to give respect to get respect” is definitely true when it comes to step-parenting. One of the best things you can do for your relationship with your step-children is to model the behavior you want from them. Treat them with respect, give them grace when they mess up and remember that everyone is human. For example, if you think it’s disrespectful for a child to be sarcastic toward you, make a point not to be sarcastic to them. If you have an issue with how they are treating you and acting toward you, make sure that you continue to model positive behavior even when you are frustrated or don’t feel like it. Consistency in how you treat the children and what you expect from them can go a long way toward building a relationship.

4. Give It Time

Relationships take time. This is true for romantic relationships, and it’s also very true when you are trying to build relationships with someone else’s kids. Children of divorce in particular often really need to see that you’re going to be a permanent fixture in their lives and need to see that you are going to continue to be a positive person for them. It’s common for children to believe that if they can just be difficult enough they can scare you away or to believe that since their parents split up, it’s inevitable that you will leave too and so it’s not worth investing in the relationship. Sometimes, when the children see that they can’t scare you away and that you aren’t leaving, they settle down very quickly and do a complete 180 in how they treat and interact with you. Remembering that being a stepdad is a long game can help you keep perspective.

The bottom line is that even if your stepkids don’t take to you right away or even actively express their displeasure at the new family dynamics, that doesn’t stop you from being able to give your best effort as a stepdad. Being a good step-parent is a long game, and the effort, consistency and respect you put in now is likely to pay off in dividends later.