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5 Tips and Strategies to Navigating Co-Parenting Communication

Navigating Co-Parenting Communication

Communication is one of the most important tools that you can have as a co-parent, but it can also be one of the hardest things to navigate for many reasons. First, you may be coming from a separation that occurred because of a breakdown of communication. Second, some topics, such as finances, can be a conflict topic, that can quickly breakdown communication. Third, communication isn’t easy to navigate even in the best co-parenting relationships—after all, your relationship, how much you’ve healed around the separation or divorce, and your comfort levels are all going to determine how you will communicate as co-parenting.

Tip Number One: Understand what Communication is

To begin, communication is how we give and receive information and when you are a co-parent, there is a lot of information that you will be exchanging from scheduling to expenses and more. With communication, we are looking at five key skills you will need to master, these are:

  1. Verbal Communication: This is exactly as it sounds, speaking with your co-partner. It can occur face-to-face, on any type of video conference/facetime app, or over the phone. 
  2. Non-Verbal Communication: This comes in with verbal communication but it is the facial expressions, eye contact, posture and body movement that conveys non-verbal messages. For instance, rolling your eyes when your co-parent is talking will say a lot about how you are feeling in that moment. It is always important to be aware of your non-verbal cues to avoid conflict.
  3. Written Communication: As it sounds, it’s any type of correspondence you have with your co-parent in writing. The 2houses app is perfect for this as there are several options to send written communication to your co-parent.
  4. Active Listening: Not always thought of as a part of communication but being an active listener is very important as you won’t find yourself in as many conflicts if you are listening. 
  5. Visual Communication: Finally, we get a lot of communication with videos, images, ads, etc. As co-parents, sending videos and images through the 2houses app is a great way for you to communicate how the kids are doing when they aren’t with the other parent.

Now that we’ve looked at the different types of communication, let’s jump into tips to help you navigate co-parenting communication. 

Tip Number Two: Keep it Connected to the Kids

Keeping it centered on the kids is an important step, especially when you first enter into a co-parent relationship. Remember, you were in a partnership before your separation where you checked in with your ex-partner about what was going on in their life. When you are co-parenting, it can be easy to fall back into that role where you are caregiving for an ex-partner and this can cause a lot of tensions, especially if it becomes confusing.

When you first separate or divorce, keep the communication very business like, but still be okay. It is fine to ask how things are, but avoid becoming the confidant for their problems. Keep the majority of conversations on your kids and the subject around your kids’ needs. Later on, your co-parenting arrangement may move into a friendship but it’s okay if it doesn’t or if you keep it strictly on a professional, business-like manner. 

Tip Number Three: Find the Communication that Works

This will be a constantly evolving process while you are navigating your co-parenting communication. Sometimes, co-parenting can only be done through the use of a mediator or mediation app. Communication can be difficult and it may be strictly written with no verbal interactions. That is okay, especially when there are increased tensions and conflict. 

Taking a step back in communication can help prevent it from becoming completely shut down. Most parents find that one or a mixture of two or three methods work best for them so it is important to find the one that works for you. For some, regular verbal communication is key to properly sharing information, for others, calendars as the main communication format makes it go smoother for their two houses.

Tip Number Four: Be Aware of Your Language

Language is often one thing that can lead to more conflict in co-parenting communication. Let’s face it, most of us have never really had to be aware of language too much so it can be a bit jarring when it becomes very apparent that you need to be. 

With language, there are a few things that you need to be aware of. These are:

  • “I” Statements: Remember to always approach things with “I” statements, especially when you are dealing with a conflict. 
  • Avoid Blaming Language: This ties into “I” statements but try to avoid “you” statements or things like, “you never” and so on. 
  • Use Solution Focused Languages: Shift away from blame and focus on solutions instead. So, if an appointment is missed by your co-parent, suggest setting up reminders for future appointments. 
  • Avoid Past Dialogues: It is easy to slip into conversations about the past and this can quickly lead to conflict if there are unresolved issues. Instead, keep dialogue to the here and now. 

Tip Number Five: Keep Communication Direct

When you are communicating, make sure that you are being direct in what you are saying and the method that you are delivering it in. Don’t use your children to send messages to your co-parent. Instead, give them directly to the co-parent or send via the 2houses app. 

In addition, any communication you have, keep it focused on only what you are trying to communicate. Try to avoid going off topic, which can be very easy to do.

By navigating communication with your co-parent, you can create a positive relationship that will help your children succeed in adjusting to living in two houses. It won’t always be easy, but when you successfully communicate with your co-parent, you will find it rewarding across the board. 

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How to Manage Conflict with Your Ex-Partner When Co-Parenting

Manage conflit ex partner

Conflict happens; after all, you are moving through a separation and divorce and that time is always high conflict and high tension. Of course, you don’t want that conflict when you are co-parenting your children for their well-being and happiness. But how do you manage that conflict? In this article, we will go over some amazing tips that will help you get through those high conflict moments in your co-parenting arrangements.

Before we look at those tips, it is important to stress that managing conflict quickly is very important for co-parenting. If you don’t manage that conflict in a mature and timely manner, it can cause more damage to the co-parenting relationship and can lead to more conflict occurring and a harder relationship overall. Tackling hard issues means that you and your ex-partner can focus on what’s important for the best interests of your kids.

Build a Foundation of Trust

This really isn’t something that you do in the middle of a conflict, but it is so important in managing conflict as you can move through it much faster when you have a foundation of trust. To do this, make sure that you are consistent and reliable in your co-parenting—give important updates quickly, make sure you are always on schedule for visitations, etc., and be honest about expenses. 

When you have trust, you will find that conflicts occur at a lower rate and are resolved much faster than when you don’t. 

Avoid Taking Offense

The second tip that you should always follow is to avoid taking offense for several reasons. First, the co-parent may only be trying to explain how they are feeling about a situation. Second, when you take offense, you end up being emotional as well, which can compound and complicate the conflict. Third, it is easier to really understand what the conflict is about without having to worry about being offended.

Sometimes, when you approach it in this manner, you realize that there are legitimate concerns. Even if the concerns aren’t, for your co-parent, they clearly are so you can approach it level-headed and help them see where the misunderstanding is or where you can both get to a resolution much faster than if you are both upset. 

Choose Communication that is Low-Conflict

Low-conflict communication should never be confused with being a pushover. What we mean when we say low conflict is that you stick to facts and avoid meeting your ex-partner with the same energy. If you become defensive or angry, it can lead to further conflicts and a breakdown of the co-parenting arrangement that you have.

In moments when you can’t be low conflict, take a step back. You want to avoid engaging in the similar manner. One analogy that many therapists make is that arguments and conflict is like stepping into a sandbox. For every minute you are in the sandbox arguing, you revert a year in age. Within 15 minutes, you are suddenly at the same emotional level as a teen (or younger) and it can become impossible to be rational after that point.

When you feel yourself being pulled into that sandbox, take a break. You are no longer together as partners and you can say, I need a few minutes to collect myself, or I can’t talk right now as I’m too upset. Once you are able to collect yourself, return to the conflict or, if you find it impossible not to match emotions, move to journal communication to avoid as much conflict as possible. 

Don’t Shy Away From Apologies

Finally, don’t shy away from apologizing. We all make mistakes and it is important to identify your own mistakes in a conflict. It might be a minor or reactionary mistake, but you should still apologize. 

Even if you don’t apologize, don’t play the blame game. Move away from it and say, this happened so how do we fix it for the kids. In addition, if you are not at fault at all, and are receiving the apology, try to accept the apology without any type of retaliatory behaviour. 

Once the apology is made, make sure that you do not hold grudges and encourage the same from your ex-partner. Grudges will only lead to more conflict and will harm the relationships you and your ex-partner have with your children.

What Should I do If my Ex-Partner is High Conflict?

First, we should let you know that it happens. Even with the best mediation that money can buy, some ex-partners can’t move behind the emotions they felt from getting divorced. Second, you shouldn’t force a relationship if your ex-partner is abusive and has continued that behaviour after the divorce. In that case, co-parenting apps, like 2houses, can make it much easier to navigate and avoid the ex-partner as needed. 

If your ex-partner is a high conflict co-parent, there are a few things that you should keep in mind.

  1. Accept that he or she is high conflict. This can be difficult but when you accept it, you’ll find that you don’t have to control the outcome. All you need to do is focus on your own emotions, not step into the conflict and focus on the kids. The 2houses app works excellent in providing that space where you can manage your emotions or navigating your ex-partners without a lot of conflict.
  2. Set boundaries for yourself. We often think of this is in boundaries that you tell your high conflict ex-partner about but it isn’t. These are boundaries that you are going to set just for you that you don’t have to let your ex-partner know. This can be that you won’t defend yourself. You won’t respond to messages right away, or you will only meet your ex-partner for child transfer with other people present. Having boundaries can keep you from reacting in a high conflict manner and may help reduce his or her high conflict tendencies.
  3. Discuss things with your child. If your ex-partner is badmouthing you, it is important to not badmouth your ex back to the child, but neither should you just ignore the badmouthing. Kids can become scared by things said and if you don’t discuss it, they could believe it as truth. Discuss what was said, their emotions about it and if it was true, or partially true. You can tell them that their other parent is upset with you and sometimes, even adults say mean, hurtful things when they are upset. 

In the end, high conflict is not good for anyone in the relationship so it is important for you to correct these things before they go too far. Find ways to communicate with your co-parent through mediation or a mediation app like 2houses so you don’t feed into each other’s emotions. Once you can manage those conflicts quickly and efficiently, you can focus on enjoying the new dynamic you have with your children as a co-parent. 

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Important Ways to Emotionally Support Canadian Children Whose Parents are Separating

Parents are separating

During separation, negative emotions can be difficult to overcome for everyone involved. In fact, many times, parents tend to focus on their own emotions because separation often occurs because of a break down in the marriage. However, studies have shown that children suffer from a wide range of emotional repercussions during separation.

According to the Canadian Pediatric Society, separation, and later divorce, can lead to a number of negative outcomes` for Canadian children when it comes to their emotional, mental, psychosocial and physical well being. It is for this reason that Canadian parents should focus on emotionally supporting their children during separation…and this article explores the ways that you can support your children.

Emotionally Supporting Canadian Children while Discussing Separation

Before we launch into ways that you can support your children during the separation, it’s important to start at the beginning—the separation. Many parents struggle on whether to talk about the separation or how much to talk about the separation. In addition, the age of the children can make it confusing about what to tell them and what level will start to cause distress for the children.

The answer is complicated but regardless of what you tell your children, it is important to focus on their needs and emphasize that they are still loved. One of the many things that children feel during separation is parents leaving for good if they stop loving them. When telling your children about the separation, make sure you always focus on that fear and assure them that, no matter what, you will be there for them, even if you don’t live in the same house.

Other things that are recommended are:

  1. Make a plan before telling your children. It is important to discuss when to talk, what to say and also who will be doing the majority of talking.
  2. Avoid the blame game when telling your children. Even though emotions will be high at this point, you want to avoid blaming the other parent. Children need to be neutral in separation and should not be forced to choose sides or be resentful of one parent.
  3. Allow the children to talk. One of the first steps to supporting them emotionally is to let them talk…and you don’t have to come up with solutions. Sometimes, kids just want to have their concerns heard, they don’t want a solution so only offer solutions if they ask a direct question. Give them the space and time they need to process the news.
  4. Don’t get upset if children don’t react the way you expect. This doesn’t mean they don’t care but kids can focus on things that would seem strange to adults. They may be worried about where all their toys are going to stay or how they’ll have their bedtime stories if one parent always does it. This is their way of worrying about the separation, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
  5. Make sure they understand they are not to blame. Many kids take the blame for a separation, even if they are older and understand it better. It is important to tell kids that they are not the reason for the separation and that it is an adult problem that they did nothing to cause.

Once you have discussed the separation with your children, many parents begin the process of separation, which includes moving to separate homes. It is in this time that it is important to continue to meet the children’s emotional needs.

Emotionally Supporting Canadian Children During the Separation

Now that you have started the separation, it can be a bit more difficult to emotionally support your child through the separation; however, it is imperative that you do so. While it may not seem necessary, it is recommended that you seek emotional support for your child through a trained professional. In Canada, some mental health supports are covered under the national health plan. To find services near you, it is recommended that you reach out to your family physician for a referral. From there, your family can be connected to the Canadian Mental Health Association that will link your children to important child and youth mental health services.

Having someone to speak to, other than their parents, can be one of the best emotional supports that you provide for your children during the separation as it gives them their own safe space to work through any emotions they might be afraid to discuss with you or your ex-partner.

Other ways to emotionally support your children during separation are:

  1. Discuss visitation and living arrangements and how it will affect your children. Keep them informed on things as you both come to agreements. Kids don’t need to be asked what they’d prefer, unless they are older, but once you have discussed what visitations will look like and where kids will be living the majority of the time (or if you are splitting the time), let the kids know about it. The more they know about their routine, the more they will be able to cope with the emotions around the changes.
  2. Keep those routines similar. Along with letting kids know where they will be, make sure that you keep routines as consistent to the way they were before you separated. If you need to make some routines different, try to gradually ease into those routine changes. The more predictability children have, the easier the transition will be for them emotionally.
  3. Join support groups or organizations. If you can, find other families and children who spend their time between two homes. This can help normalize what is happening in your family and you can also get support and tips on co-parenting for yourself and your ex-partner.
  4. Give them access to their old world. This relates to friends, aunts, uncles, cousins and the like. It is very common for kids to lose extended family and friends when a separation occurs due to the change in housing or family dynamics. When it is possible, allow them access to the old world. Be sure to schedule access during family events so they can stay connected to your side of the family. In addition, if the kids had to move, try to find ways for them to connect with their old friends. Having these additional connections can help them avoid feeling isolated and alone.
  5. Keep your kids out of the battle. During separation, it can be easy to bring your kids into the battle by talking bad about the other parent, or using them to relay messages. This is very stressful for the children, forces them to chose sides and can increase their stress and does not provide any emotional support. Instead, keep conversations civil, don’t badmouth each other and communicate through a communication journal if you can’t have positive interactions.

As you can see, there are many ways that you can support your children during support, including Canadian supports through various Canadian organizations. By supporting them now, you can reduce the long term effects that can occur when children are not properly supported.