We know co-parenting isn’t easy. You’re doing your best to raise your kids together after divorce or separation. But sometimes it comes with challenges you never expected. One of the biggest? Watching your child struggle with anxiety as they move between two homes.
If you’re seeing signs like clinginess, meltdowns at drop-off time, mysterious stomachaches, or your child suddenly refusing to visit their other parent, you’re not alone. We work with divorced and separated parents every day, and child anxiety during transitions is one of the most common issues we help families navigate.
The good news is, with the right approach, you can help your child not just cope with these feelings, but actually build strength from them.
Why Kids Get Anxious During Co-Parenting (And Why That’s Actually Normal)
First, let’s understand what’s happening in your child’s mind. Anxiety isn’t your enemy – it’s actually your child’s brain trying to keep them safe. When their world feels unpredictable (like switching between homes, different bedtimes, or sensing tension between parents), their internal alarm system kicks in.
We see this all the time: kids worry about making both parents happy, fear missing one parent while they’re with the other, or even regress to behaviors like bedwetting when they feel overwhelmed. Some children become extra sensitive, picking up on every emotion in the room.
Here’s what we want you to remember: anxiety itself isn’t harmful. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but it’s also completely normal. The problem comes when we accidentally make it worse by treating it like something dangerous.
For example, if your child has a meltdown at drop-off and you decide to skip the visit “just this once,” you’re sending a message that their fear was justified. Short-term relief, but long-term, you’ve made the anxiety stronger.
We encourage you to think of your highly sensitive child as having a superpower that just needs some guidance. These kids often grow up to be incredibly empathetic and perceptive adults.
Start With Yourself (This Might Be The Most Important Part)
Here’s something we tell every parent we work with: your child is constantly reading your emotional temperature. If you’re anxious about drop-offs, they’ll pick up on that and assume there’s something to worry about.
We get it. Maybe you’re concerned about your co-parent’s house rules, or you’re still processing hurt feelings from the divorce. That’s completely normal. But your child doesn’t need to carry those worries.
What we recommend:
- Take a few deep breaths before transitions
- If you catch yourself feeling anxious, try reframing: “Their routine might be different, but my child is safe and resilient”
- Avoid pumping your child for information after visits. This tells them something was wrong
- Model healthy coping by talking through your feelings out loud: “I’m feeling a little worried about traffic, so I’m going to take some deep breaths to stay calm”
Remember our favorite phrase: “We can do hard things.” Say it to yourself, say it to your child. It works.
During your kid-free time, take care of yourself. Read a book, call a friend, go for a walk. When you’re recharged, you’re better equipped to be the calm, confident parent your child needs.
Working Together With Your Co-Parent (Even When It’s Hard)
The best thing you can do for your anxious child is present a united front with your co-parent. We know this can feel impossible, especially if communication is strained, but even small steps make a big difference.
Try this approach:
- Focus conversations on your child’s needs, not past grievances
- Share what you’re noticing: “Jamie seems nervous about transitions. Can we brainstorm some routines that might help?”
- Work together on consistency where possible. Similar bedtimes, rules, and expectations across both homes
- Never, ever badmouth your co-parent in front of your child (even when you’re frustrated)
Instead, try saying things like: “You’re going to have such a great time with Dad today – he’s amazing at building those Lego projects you love.”
If direct communication is too difficult, consider using a co-parenting app to keep things business-like and documented. We’ve seen this reduce anxiety for both parents and kids.
Create new traditions together: Maybe it’s a special stuffed animal that travels between homes, or a shared photo album your child can take everywhere. These small touches help normalize the back-and-forth.
Making Transitions Smoother (The Drop-Off Survival Guide)
Drop-offs don’t have to be dramatic. In fact, the calmer and more routine you make them, the easier they become for everyone.
Our proven transition strategy:
- Keep exchanges brief and business-like (think friendly, not emotional)
- Create a consistent goodbye ritual. Maybe a special handshake or three quick hugs
- Prepare your child without overdoing it: “Tomorrow after school, you’ll go to Mom’s house. Let’s pack your favorite book to take with you”
- Validate feelings without empowering the fear: “I can see you’re feeling nervous about going. New things can feel tricky, but I know you can handle this”
Avoid these common mistakes:
- Don’t ask leading questions like “Are you scared about going to Dad’s?”
- Instead try: “How are you feeling about this weekend?”
- Don’t make big changes in emotional moments. Just stick to the plan, then problem-solve later with your co-parent
If things get really difficult, consider neutral drop-off locations like school or a community center. We’ve seen this help reduce tension significantly.
Teaching Your Child to Handle Big Feelings
This is where you become your child’s emotional coach. Instead of trying to eliminate their anxiety, teach them they can handle it.
Use “even if” statements (this comes from cognitive behavioral therapy): “Even if I miss Mom tonight, I can draw her a picture and call her once before bed.” “Even if Dad’s house feels different, I know I’m safe there too.”
The name-it-to-tame-it approach: “You’re feeling worried about sleeping at Dad’s apartment tonight. That’s a completely normal feeling.” Then follow with confidence: “And I’ve seen you do hard things before. I believe you can get through this.”
Focus on their strengths: “I noticed how well you packed your overnight bag. That shows me you’re getting ready to be brave.” “You gave Dad a hug goodbye even though you felt nervous. That took real courage.”
For older kids, simple problem-solving questions work well: “What’s one thing that would help you feel more comfortable at Mom’s house?”
Comfort items are your friend: A special photo, a familiar blanket, or even a recording of you reading their favorite story can provide security during tough moments.
When to Worry and When to Get Help
Most transition anxiety improves with time and consistency. But we recommend reaching out for professional support if you notice:
- Persistent sadness or withdrawal lasting weeks
- School avoidance or major changes in academic performance
- Physical symptoms like frequent stomachaches with no medical cause
- Sleep problems or nightmares that don’t improve
- Aggressive behavior or major personality changes
A family therapist who specializes in divorce and co-parenting can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation. Sometimes just a few sessions can make a world of difference.
Our Quick Do’s and Don’ts Guide
When you’re helping your child transition between homes, here’s exactly what we suggest based on what really works for families like yours:
DO:
- Validate first. If your child says they’re worried, you can respond with something like, “I hear you. Going to Mom’s tonight feels a little tough, and that’s okay. Change can feel hard.” This helps them feel seen.
- Show confidence in them. We’ve seen how much it matters when a parent says, “I know this is difficult, but I also know you’re brave enough to handle it.” It gives your child strength.
- Keep goodbyes short and sweet. A quick hug, a smile, and a positive send-off work much better than dragging it out.
- Model calm behavior. Your child is watching how you handle stress. If you stay calm, you’re teaching them they can stay calm too.
DON’T:
- Don’t let your child skip visits out of anxiety. We know it’s tempting, but avoiding visits only makes the fear bigger in the long run.
- Don’t make big decisions during emotional moments. Wait until things cool down before making any changes—it prevents unnecessary tension.
- Don’t let your body language send the wrong message. Even a sigh or a worried look can tell your child something’s wrong when it isn’t.
- Don’t plant seeds of worry. Instead of asking, “Are you scared to go?” try asking, “What’s one thing you’re excited about for tonight?”
The Secret Formula That Actually Works
Here’s something we share with every family: Support = Acceptance + Confidence.
Every interaction with your anxious child should include both:
Acceptance: “You’re really scared about sleeping at the new apartment. That feeling makes complete sense.”
Confidence: “And I’ve watched you do scary things before. I’m 100% sure you can get through tonight. You are so much braver than you know.”
This validates their experience without letting the anxiety make their decisions. It builds what we call self-efficacy – the belief that they can handle life’s challenges.