Putting aside your feelings for the children

feelings aside - 2houses

Divorce is an unfortunate event that some families have to overcome. The separation of the parents isn’t just about the parents; it has a huge impact on the children as well. The feelings of negativity and resentment between a former couple can make the children uncomfortable and make the adjustment to the separation even more difficult. This is why it’s so vital for you to put aside your feelings for the children.

1. Never vent to your children

Your children do not want to hear how their father is a lying, cheating, so and so… They don’t want to hear how you’re sick of their mother bringing her boyfriend to pick up the children. Remember, they’re going through a lot right now, and if you have nothing nice to say about your ex-partner, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. You don’t want to negatively influence your children’s feelings for their other parent.

2. Get your frustration out somewhere

Yes, you probably still have hurt feelings over the break up. You may cry yourself to sleep every night and wish nothing but bad on your former lover. However, you should take your frustrations out before you have to meet up with your ex. This means you shouldn’t remind your ex about everything wrong he did and that’s why the children should come to your house for the holidays. If you have to, start boxing or doing some other form of exercise to release stress. Talk to a therapist, friend or family member if you have to, but make sure you direct your anger at someone or something else other than your ex.

3. Focus on the kids

Keep reminding yourself that you must be civil for the kids. When you speak to their other parent, don’t even mention anything about the time you spent together. Instead, keep the conversation on issues related to the children such as their education and who will pick them up from their friends’ houses this weekend.

4. Ask don’t demand

Nobody likes to be told what they have to do, especially by a former partner. Always begin conversations where you want something with a question. For instance, say, “Is it okay if I take the kids this weekend and you take them next weekend?”

5. Compromise

No matter what your sentiments about your ex are, always be willing to compromise. You don’t need to fight battles about little issues like bedtimes or when they do their homework. However, with bigger issues, you’ll need to come to an agreement and that requires you both to give a little.

6. Keep the other parent in the loop

Put aside your feelings of hostility and tell your ex what happens with the children. While you might not want your ex hubby going to a school play with his new squeeze, he should still know about it. It’s not fair to him or the kids not to let him know.

While this may not sound like it’s in your best interest, it really is. Your children are your primary focus and you don’t want to do anything that could sever a relationship with them, even if it means being nice to someone who hurt you.

What children understand about divorce by age group

children - 2houses

Divorce is a touchy subject with children and especially for parents as they themselves adjust to their situation.  Managing and discussing this traumatic situation with children will vary widely depending on the age of the child.  Reaction can be quite different for each age group and can range from sadness to anger and feelings of anxiousness.  Knowing how to reach out to these age groups will help in their adjustments and leave them feeling that they will still be cared for by both parents.

Infants and Toddlers

Even infants can feel tension between parents when they are going through a divorce and if they are not comforted they can become clingy with irritable and angry outbursts.  Infants and toddlers during this transition need structure and consistency in their daily routine.  Nap times, meals and play dates should not be disrupted and they may need additional hugs, comfort and attention.

Pre-School – Early Elementary Years

Pre-school children and those in the early elementary years of school may act out and start throwing tantrums.  The non-custodial parent may want to increase their visits and spend more time giving re-assurance and affection.  They have feels of insecurity and they need to know that they will not be abandoned.  Early elementary children may act out and devise ways to get the  parents back together.  Remember the movie Parent Trap!

Adolescents and Early Teens

This age group are more easily embarrassed and angered and they may act out in a hostile manner.  They may embellish health issues like headaches or stomach pains and if they have an existing illness like asthma, it may worsen.  It is possible they could start lying, be manipulative and even start with minor stealing.   It’s important to communicate as much as possible and keep them informed of ongoing developments in the divorce.  They like to think they are adults so share as much information with them as you can.  Keep a close eye on their activities inside and outside school and be consistent with house rules.  Family counselling may be a consideration for this age group.

Teenagers

Older teenagers have a much better understanding of divorce but they can still act out immaturely.  After all, they are teenagers!  They may hide behind a mask so try and draw them out and encourage them to talk about how they are feeling about the divorce.  Be on the lookout for signs of depression such as dropping out of school activities, not hanging out with their peers or abusing alcohol or other substances.  Don’t encourage a male teenager to be the head of the household and a female teenager should not be relegated to the caretaker of younger siblings.  They are still teenagers, not adults and they should be allowed to behave as teenagers.  Let them decide on when and how much visitation they want with the non-custodial parent.  Be flexible if they want to move their living arrangements back and forth between parents.

Conclusion

It is important for children of divorce and their parents to have relationships that are open with lots of healthy and effective communication.  There is no reason that children of divorce cannot develop into normal, healthy adults with successful and healthy lifestyles and careers.

Keeping Communication Positive

communication positive - 2houses

A divorce or separation can be an emotionally trying time for all involved, but it is important to keep communication between separated parents positive. Even though talking with your ex may feel like the last thing you want to do, an open dialogue can keep everyone informed about what is going on, and keep the children from getting stuck in the middle.

Keeping the lines of communication open when it comes to raising children creates a way for both parents to be present for extracurricular activities and maintain active roles in the children’s lives. It also allows both parents to identify any issues that need to be dealt with and anticipate changes to the children’s schedules or the co-parenting plan.

When talking with your ex, two basic strategies can help you keep your personal issues out of the dialogue.

1. Focus strictly on the kids.

It can be difficult at first to figure out what is a real issue that needs to be discussed and what’s not, and it can be tempting to bring up the issues that contributed to your separation or divorce every time you have to communicate with your ex — but don’t.

When it comes to the kids, it’s important to start viewing the other parent as a co-owner of a business (the business that is raising your children). Yes, it seems cold and impersonal, but that’s the point. Keeping communication short, matter of fact, and straightforward will go a long way toward a positive experience for all of those involved. Ask yourself if you would be comfortable having that conversation during your lunch hour if your boss could overhear. If the answer is no, it’s time to reevaluate. Table the conversation for a few days if possible, or write an email and let it sit overnight before sending so that you can look at it once you’ve calmed down.

2. Communicate in writing.

The organization of divorced parents can be tough, and if at all possible, both sides should put everything in writing to avoid miscommunication. Having the kids’ schedules somewhere easily accessible makes it possible for either parent to check for conflicts or receive reminders about your child’s upcoming game without having to deal directly with the other parent. Online tools that let you keep track of shared expenses, maintain a list of important contacts like the pediatrician or cheerleading coach, and create a joint online photo album keep the focus squarely on family and the best interests of the children.

Keeping these two guidelines in mind can help separated parents’ conflicts from interfering with the children’s happiness and well-being and make the situation as positive as possible.

Why making your children into “messengers” does not work….

messengers - 2houses

There might be a great temptation to entrust your child with messages – practical ones, or some other kind – that you want to convey to the other parent. This is tempting because it is easy…. Don’t forget to tell your father (your mother) that…. It is equally tempting to believe children’s messages, or what children tell you about their experiences with the other parent… It’s comforting to think that we can have “full confidence” in the words of our child.

We forget that children, like everyone else, are beings under construction. They may tend towards honesty and impeccable integrity, but these are not always fully imprinted, and it is precisely our role as adults to guide them on the journey that leads there. Transparency, honesty, discernment, and real awareness of what is happening are not innate, they are learned.

Moreover, the messengers, unwittingly in most cases, “load” the messages with emotions, interpretations which are either their own, or something they believe they saw in the parent in question. The message as delivered might be quite far from reality. Children unconsciously use the wounded places of their parents, who take pleasure in saying or hearing bad things about the other (it might be difficult to admit it, but deep down, we know that this part exists, taking pleasure like that). More subtly, it may be an interpretation of the attitude of the child, for example: I found Paul sad and tired when I took him back from his father… there is a great temptation (which builds resentment ) to blame the father immediately without going to the source of the problem.

The danger here is twofold: parents are comforted in their rejection of one another, and as a result of their conflict, the children are unsettled and insecure: unsettled and insecure because they unwillingly become involved in the conflict of their parents, and therefore become direct actors in that “framework”, while on the contrary they need to evolve in a predetermined frame of reference…

It is therefore of utmost importance that parents communicate directly, and ask questions directly rather than using, or simply accepting, their children as a relay.

There are many divorced parents who, in good faith, try to do the best they can for the happiness of their children, but whose relationship with the other parent is limited to the exchange of practical information. The transmission of “everything else”, that is to say, how the children are growing and developing when they are with the other parent (which in joint custody can be half the time ) is left to the children, with the biases and risks mentioned.

To secure the children and the peace of the parents, it is urgent to promote all means allowing them to talk directly, calmly and without judgment about the moods of their children, the facts that have struck them, or the atmosphere in which they live…. all these elements are non-factual and yet critical if parents want to provide a common, secure and stabilized framework for their children.

Ratings for video games: Protecting our children

video games - 2houses

With Christmas looming fast, this week we’re going to take a look at violence in video games. To protect our children, the European Union has established a set of regulations: PEGI. Let’s see…

Firstly, before offering a video game to a child, make sure that he/she will not be upset by the content. At home, a console is used by various members of the family of different ages, it is important that everyone can enjoy it. So the European Union decided to create labels called PEGI (Pan European Game Information). This takes into account the recommended age to play a video game, but also unsuitable content that the game may include.

At what age can you play a video game?

A rating suitable for anyone to play, without violence (with the exception of cartoons), nudity or bad language.
The difference between this and the previous rating is minimal. We have noticed that certain scenes or sounds in these games  could potentially frighten children.
This is at an age where children feel more grown-up, and this is clearly seen in the rating. In these games there will be violence in graphic form as well as bad language, although insults of a sexual nature are not permitted.
Teenagers are now grown up, in this rating there will be violence or sexual contact, as well as bad language, use of tobacco, drugs or criminal activities.
This rating has been created only to draw attention to violence and to depict a certain level of gross violence.

What other information can be found on video games?

A game with this label will contain bad language.
Discrimination is also present in video games. To fight against this, PEGI regulations specify when this is present in a game.
We all want to protect our children. If this label appears on one of their video games, it could scare him.
The scourge of drugs can found in this video game. To be avoided if you want to protect your child from all addictions that are dangerous for their health.
Gambling is present in games with this label. Your child may even learn the rules.
Video games with this label will depict nudity and/or sexual behaviour or sexual references.
Violence, although explained according to age classification, will be present in this game.
Game can be played online, with other players in order to compete against each other.

As you know, the video game world is open to all ages, for young children it provides a fun way of learning, while for older children it can provide a way to relax and unwind. The PEGI regulations provided by the European Union will give you good advice to please young and old. So, do you now feel better informed to buy a video game for your children in time for Christmas?

Oh dear, Mum and Dad are divorcing … How to tell their children?

divorcing - 2houses

Nothing works any more, Dad and Mum don’t get along and they’re no longer in love … and they have decided to separate

How to communicate this separation?

Divorce is often experienced as a shocking moment and not always easy to accept for either the children or the parents.

Above all, divorce must remain an affair of the couple. The reasons for separating do not concern the children.
By distancing them in some way, you’ll protect them from conflicts of loyalty, of guilt …
What counts more than anything else is the everyday life of your loved ones in order to maintain balance, allowing them to grow as adults.

There are really no miracle solutions, but dialogue, serenity and common sense are your main assets in facing this situation.

 What do you tell your children?

Here are some tips for explaining the separation to your children:

  • Reassure them by showing them the love you have for them as parents
  • Don’t use excessive pressure but common sense, taking into account the psychology of your children
  • Together, plan and get ready for what you’re going to say
  • Choose the right time to talk together, when both parents are present in the family surroundings
  • Give a simple and understandable message, using words that are adequate for the age of your children: “Mom and Dad have decided to separate and that means that they’ll no longer be living together”
  • Tell your children the truth, don’t lie to them, explaining that they’re not responsible for the separation
  • Use comforting words, explaining what will happen to them in their everyday life, in the places where they will live

And you?
How did you tell your children about your separation?

Do you want show or share your comments here?

The security blanket, first companion of your child!

security blanket - 2houses

Teddy bear, doll, end of colored tissue, old tee-shirt of mom or dad or a sheet, a cover blanket, only one or several security blankets, with sometimes improbable odors because they were handled and sucked, here is the universe of the security blankets of our children!

Whatever its shape, the security blanket is the best friend of our children. It gets a psychological comfort and has a particular emotional value.

True companion of the child, the security blanket is symbolic, reassuring and therapeutic.

The children are very attached and carry it during nap, unhappiness, anxiety or tiredness. The security blanket is present everywhere!

The choice of the security blanket

It is the child who chooses the security blanket, and it will become irreplaceable, because it is made by memories…He will also choose the elements and characteristics, which will enable him to be reassured: colors, textures, forms and odors…

What symbolizes the security blanket?

Very small, the child needs to feel safe and will stick to an object or a security blanket around 8 months, age which coincides with what is more commonly called as “the separation anxiety of the 8th month”.

Key stage in the development of the child, this one understands that an object not seen is not any more one disappeared object… and accepts that the person who left him or her, dad or mom, always exist but are not there…

Moments of fear and of anxiety appear, the child feeling the need to comfort himself with an object which reassures, makes safe, and which helps to make the transition between the presence of their “parents present” and “parents absent”: mom, dad, or all people who are present in the closed environment to the child in a daily way.

The security blanket is also used to help the child to cope with situations such as the arrival at the nursery, the first steps at school, the holiday departure, a day or a weekend with the grandparents, or the separation or the divorce of their parents.

Until which age the child needs a security blanket?

Most of the time, it is the child himself who will decide to part from its security blanket.

Thus no prerequisite age! When the security blanket is not essential any more, becoming then a trophy, put in the bedroom of the children and will always guard a place of choice in their hearts. The need to have a security blanket becomes blurred towards the age of 6-7 years old.

And you? What does look like the security blanket of your child??

When your child decided to part from his/her security blanket?

Tell us and leave us your comments here.

 

 

5 tricks to make a success of your evening of Halloween!

halloween - 2houses

You want to spend a terrifying evening with your families and close relationships?

Halloween is coming! On Thursday, October 31st, 2013, it will be the opportunity to celebrate Halloween!

In your diaries and do not forget to register this event in your calendar!

Small reminder on the origin of Halloween

Halloween is celebrated at the night of October 31st. From Celtic tradition, celebrated in most of countries of the world, it is of Christian origin and is a event allowing to close the past year and to celebrate the passage of the new year which begins.

The word “Halloween” comes from the contraction of “All Hallow Even”, meaning the evening of all the saints, which corresponds on the eve of the Western Christian feast, the All Saint’s day.

This party is also the opportunity of having fun, by frightening, with enjoyment and good mood, but it is also a sharing and conviviality moment for parents and children, by disguising as wizards, witches, ghosts, zombies, vampires or other malefic creatures …

Other enjoyments of Halloween’s party: decorating the house and preparing the famous pumpkins of Halloween, and do not forget to make reserves of candies for the children!

Here are in some stages, the keys of success to celebrate this magic night!

  • Organize a disguised evening under the theme of Halloween and invite your close relationships and families
  • Define the theme of your Halloween party ! It will be the occasion to organize an unique party and will help you on the choice of decorations and food!
  • Liven up your party, by organizing a competition of the best fancy disguises of Halloween, by proceeding to a vote during the evening party!
  • Decorate your party and be creative! with a disturbing and black atmosphere, with plastic spiders, deaths’ heads, phosphorescent cobwebs, phials, sculptures of pumpkins, or more magic atmosphere with fairy lights and pumpkin lanterns that you will have dug with your children, to place candles. Share the pictures of your children’s disguises in your journal
  • Propose an original menu with Halloween’s colours, with magic and terrifying dishes and drinks, delicious pumpkin juices, or transparent and smoking drinks in the atmosphere of Frankenstein, soups of toads and spinaches, red and black dishes, covered by “blood”, and cakes in the shape of pumpkins

Shyness: a curse or a wonderful talent?

shyness - 2houses

Shyness is not a definition but rather a description, behind which as many stories hides… Shyness is a belief, which feeds itself as a snake, eating its tail. When we do not believe in shyness any more, it ends up disappearing.

It is neither a character trait, nor a sign of personality and even less a fate. Between stimulating stress and paralyzing anxiety, the pallet of timidity is very varied.

In certain cases, it can become a true social handicap, a brake with the life, because the shy person is entitled neither right to speak nor right to watch.

Shyness can be a social timidity and then relates to timidity in the social interactions affecting the social instinct, but it can be of loving origin, and refers specifically to the difficulties encountered with the opposite sex, in seduction relationships.

In case of a tragic event, such as the loss of an employment, the loss of a expensive being, a separation or a divorce, we lose a part of ourselves, with the feeling of loss of self-confidence, return on oneself, anguish and timidity.

The shy person organizes its life in order to avoid criticisms and remarks, sometimes destroying: restaurants, coffee bars, stores are prohibited, any public space is not authorized to him and timidity is right of him. All its good intentions one thousand times reformulated could nothing make and the shy person is traumatized.

Thousand tricks and tips can be implemented to flat the bars of this invisible prison…

  • Be not shamed of your shyness. Assume it! The less you think of it, the more you have chances to remove it!
  • Be not afraid of the judgment of others. You have to accept the critics in order to progress.
  • Speaking about your shyness to your friends, by explaining them what you are feeling. It will allow you to feel less alone.
  • Practising a sport, participating to a cultural activity. It will allow you to overcome your shyness by integrating you into a group.
  • Following theatre courses, or public speeches groups courses
  • Assert yourselves in daring to say no and create the contact if possible
  • Be positive. Feel reassured and say to yourselves that you cost not less than the others, than you are able to be a positive person!
  • Do not hesitate to contact a therapist who can allow you to become emancipated
  • Participating to workshops or public speaking groups dedicated to the topic of shyness

http://centremergences.be

Dating after a divorce?

dating after divorce

Living a divorce is hard to everyone concerned by the situation, and looking for love after a separation or a divorce is sometimes a little bit tricky especially after spending many years with someone…

Divorce changes everything in your life!

You begin to doubt yourself in everything you do, which could lead you to depression and anxiety.

Divorcing can sometimes destroy your ability to trust again and depriving you of the opportunity to find that special someone.

This is the most fundamental problem that most divorced people undergo, and to learn how to get over the whole ordeal in order for you to live the life you truly deserve.

And now, a new life begins…

You are divorced, the papers are signed and you are quit with the lawyers’ payments and now your husband or your wife is your ex.

But you can ask yourself about how long do you want to stay single? Should you date with someone because your ex is? Do you want to remain single for the benefit of your kids?

Where do you find a new partner?

You are entering in a new phase of your life, it is a new beginning and it is also the opportunity to go out and create new relationships.

In order to find this new and great relationship with a woman or with a man, you must to “reenter” into the world of dating.

But before beginning to date, you need to accept that you are not married anymore.

In order to come back in the « world of dating », some advices can help you to make a successful date!

Read more on Metro UK