What Not to Say to Your Ex-Spouse When Negotiating Your Co-Parenting Plan

Co-parenting after a divorce can be tough, but good communication makes all the difference. The words you choose can either keep things calm or spark conflict, affecting your kids’ well-being. 

In this article you’ll learn what not to say during co-parenting talks, why those words hurt, and better ways to phrase things to keep your kids first and the conversation productive.

Why Words Matter in Co-Parenting Negotiations

When you’re hashing out a co-parenting plan, every word counts. Research shows that kids suffer more from high-conflict parenting than the divorce itself. That means your tone, your choice of words, and even your intentions can shape not just your relationship with your ex but also your kids’ emotional health.  We have seen kids in high-conflict divorce situations are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, or school problems. So, let’s keep the focus on creating a calm, cooperative vibe.

  • Tone sets the stage: A harsh or snappy tone can turn a discussion into a fight. Staying calm and respectful? That’s your ticket to keeping things productive.
  • One wrong word can derail everything: A single jab, like a personal insult, can shut down communication and ramp up tension.
  • Keep emotions in check: Think of co-parenting like a business deal—your kids are the priority, and staying professional helps everyone win.

By choosing your words carefully and keeping your kids at the heart of the conversation, you’re setting the stage for smoother negotiations and a happier environment for them.

Top Things You Should Never Say to Your Ex During Parenting Plan Talks

Some things you might be tempted to say can do more harm than good. Here’s a breakdown of phrases to steer clear of, why they’re problematic, and how to reframe them to keep things constructive:

What Not to SayWhy It’s a ProblemWhat to Say Instead
“You were never a good parent.”This is a personal attack that drags up the past and makes your ex defensive, killing any chance of teamwork .“I’d love for us to figure out a bedtime routine that works for [child’s name]. Consistency could really help them.”
“This is exactly why we got divorced.”Bringing up old wounds shifts focus from your kids to your failed marriage—not helpful.“Let’s keep this about what’s best for [child’s name] right now.”
“My lawyer will deal with you.”Threatening legal action turns a discussion into a war, making collaboration impossible.“Can we try to sort this out together before getting lawyers involved?”
“You don’t get a say in this.”This dismisses your ex’s role as a parent, which sparks resentment since both of you have rights and responsibilities.“I really value your thoughts as [child’s name]’s parent. Can we find a solution that works for both of us?”
“You always…” or “You never…”These absolute terms exaggerate problems and put your ex on the defensive, shutting down productive talk.“I’ve noticed [specific issue, like late pick-ups]. Can we talk about how it’s affecting [child’s name]’s routine?”
“I’m doing what’s best for my child.”Saying “my” instead of “our” makes it sound like your ex isn’t equally invested, creating a divide.“Let’s team up to figure out what’s best for our child.”

These alternatives keep the focus on your kids, stay specific, and invite collaboration—way better for keeping the conversation on track.

Smart Communication Tips for Co-Parenting Success

Want to make these talks as smooth as possible? Here are some practical, research-backed strategies to help you communicate like a pro:

  • Stick to neutral, respectful language: Skip the blame game and focus on solutions. Instead of “You’re always late,” try, “Pick-up times have been a bit off lately. Can we find a schedule that works better?” This keeps things friendly and focused.
  • Listen like you mean it: Really hear what your ex is saying, even if you don’t agree. Showing empathy—understanding their perspective—can lower tension and build trust.
  • Take a breather if things heat up: If emotions start running high, pause the conversation. Come back to it when you’re both calmer to avoid saying something you’ll regret.
  • Put it in writing if needed: In tense situations, using email or 2houses co-parenting app can help you think before you respond and keep a record of what’s said. It’s a great way to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Get help if you’re stuck: If you and your ex can’t find common ground or if safety’s an issue, a mediator or therapist can guide you toward compromises that work for your kids.

These strategies aren’t just about avoiding fights—they’re about building a co-parenting relationship that’s steady and focused on your children.

Real-Life Examples to Keep You on Track

Let’s look at two common co-parenting scenarios to see how word choice can make or break a conversation:

Scenario 1: The Late Pick-Up
Wrong way: “You’re always late! You clearly don’t care about our kids’ schedules!”
This accusatory tone will likely make your ex defensive, turning a solvable issue into a shouting match.
Better way: “I’ve noticed pick-ups have been late a few times. Is everything okay on your end? Maybe we can tweak the schedule to make it easier.”
This shows you’re open to understanding their side and working together for a solution.

Scenario 2: Disagreeing on Extracurriculars
Wrong way: “You never listen! I want [child] in soccer, but you always shoot it down!”
This attack uses absolutes and focuses on personal gripes, which kills any chance of a real discussion.
Better way: “I think soccer could be great for [child]. Can we talk about the pros and cons and figure out what’s best for them?”
This keeps the focus on your child’s needs and invites teamwork.

See the difference? A little rephrasing can turn a potential argument into a productive chat.

Your Burning Questions, Answered

How do I keep my cool during these talks?
Take deep breaths, step away if you’re getting heated, and remind yourself this is about your kids’ happiness. Keeping the big picture in mind helps you stay grounded.

What if my ex just won’t cooperate?
Keep using calm, respectful language, even if they don’t. If things stay tough, a mediator or counselor can help you both find a way forward.

What if we disagree on parenting styles?
Focus on what your child needs and look for common ground. Try saying, “I think [child] could use more structure with homework. Can we brainstorm ways to support that?”.

Is email okay for co-parenting talks?
Absolutely, especially if things get heated. Email lets you think through your words, keeps emotions in check, and gives you a record of what’s been said.

What if my ex talks badly about me to the kids?
Address it calmly with your ex: “I’m worried that negative comments about me could upset [child’s name]. Can we agree to keep things positive for their sake?” If it keeps happening, consider legal advice or counseling to protect your bond with your kids.

Finally,

Co-parenting isn’t about winning—it’s about teaming up for your kids’ sake. By avoiding hurtful phrases and using smart communication strategies, you can make these talks less stressful and more productive. It takes patience, respect, and a bit of self-control, but the payoff is huge: a stable, happy environment for your children. 

So, next time you’re negotiating with your ex, take a deep breath, think before you speak, and keep your kids’ peace first. You’ve got this!

Physical Custody vs. Parenting Plan: What’s Best for Your Kid?

If you’re navigating the choppy waters of a separation or divorce, sorting out custody for your little ones is likely weighing heavy on your heart. It’s a lot, I know—you’re just trying to do right by your kids. 

Let’s unpack two key terms you’ll come across: physical custody and parenting plans. They’re connected but not quite the same, and getting a handle on them can guide you toward decisions that keep your child’s world steady, joyful, and safe.

Stick with me as now I’m going to explain to you what these terms mean, how they set themselves apart, and how to choose what’s best for you and your family.

What’s Physical Custody?

Physical custody is all about where your kid lives day-to-day and who’s taking care of their daily needs—like making breakfast, helping with homework, or tucking them in at night. It’s about where their “home base” is and how that affects their routine.

Types of Physical Custody

  • Sole Physical Custody: Your kid lives mostly with one parent. The other parent might get visits, like weekends or holidays. This setup works if one parent has a more stable home—like a steady job or a house near the kid’s school—or if you live far apart. For example, if you’re in Texas and your ex is in New York, it’s tough to split time evenly, so one parent might be the main home base.
  • Joint Physical Custody: Your kid splits time between both parents. It doesn’t have to be exactly 50-50 shared custody. Maybe they spend weekdays with you and weekends with their other parent. This works best if you live close by and can work together without too much drama. It’s great for keeping both parents in the kid’s life, but it takes teamwork.

What Courts Look At

Courts care about what’s best for your kid when deciding custody. They’ll look at things like:

  • How old your kid is and what they need emotionally.
  • How close your kid is to each parent.
  • Whether you can provide a safe, stable home.
  • Any issues like abuse or addiction in the family.

If one parent has serious problems, like a history of violence, the court might lean toward sole custody. But most courts love joint custody because it keeps both parents involved, as long as it’s safe and practical.

Pros and Cons

TypeProsCons
Sole Physical CustodyKeeps things stable in one home, especially for little kids or those with special needs. Simplifies things if parents live far apart.The other parent might not see the kid as much, which can strain their bond. Puts more work on one parent.
Joint Physical CustodyYour kid gets to stay close to both parents. Shares the parenting load.Needs parents to get along and communicate well. Can be tough if you live far apart or have clashing schedules.

What’s a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan is like a roadmap for how you and your ex will raise your kid together, even though you’re not together anymore. It’s a written agreement that spells out all the details so everyone’s on the same page.

What’s in a Parenting Plan?

  • Schedule: When your kid is with each parent—weekdays, weekends, or school breaks.
  • Holidays and Special Days: Who gets the kid for Christmas, birthdays, or summer vacation.
  • Communication: How you’ll talk to each other (maybe through 2houses co-parenting app) and how you’ll stay in touch with your kid when they’re with the other parent.
  • Big Decisions: Who decides on things like school, doctor visits, or sports? This is often tied to legal custody, which is about decision-making, not where the kid lives.

Why Parenting Plans Are Awesome

Parenting plans are super flexible. You can tweak them to fit your family’s life—like if you work nights or your kid has soccer practice three times a week. They help because:

  • They make expectations crystal clear, so there’s less fighting.
  • They keep your kid’s routine steady, which makes them feel secure.
  • If you take it to court, it can be legally binding, so everyone has to follow it.

How Are They Different?

Physical custody and parenting plans work together, but they’re not the same. Here’s the breakdown:

AspectPhysical CustodyParenting Plan
What It IsWhere your kid lives most of the time.A detailed plan for how you’ll share time and responsibilities.
FlexibilityLess wiggle room, especially with sole custody.Super customizable to fit your family’s needs.
Court’s RoleCourts decide if you can’t agree.You can make it yourselves, but courts can approve or order it.
Kid’s RoleOlder kids might get a say in where they live.Built around your kid’s schedule and needs.
Big PictureShapes your kid’s daily life and home base.Keeps things consistent with clear schedules and rules.

What’s Best for Your Kid?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer—what works best depends on your unique family dynamic. As a parent, you know your kid better than anyone, so trust your instincts while considering their age, routine, and emotional needs. 

For babies and toddlers, a single, stable home with familiar surroundings is key—think consistent nap times and cozy spaces. Older kids, though, might be ready to split time between both parents, especially if they’re craving equal connection with you both. Keep their school, friends, and activities as steady as possible, no matter the setup, because routine is a lifeline for kids.

Your relationship with your co-parent also plays a big role. If you two can communicate and collaborate, joint custody could nurture your kid’s bond with both of you. But if tensions run high, a clear parenting plan or sole custody might reduce stress for everyone. 

Distance matters too—if you’re in different cities, sole custody with visits might be the smoothest path.  Check this article to know how to create a long distance co-parenting plan.

And if your child’s a teen, their voice might carry weight in court, so listen to what they want. Ultimately, it’s about creating a setup that lets your kid feel secure and loved.

Real-Life Examples

Let’s make this real with a few examples to show how this stuff plays out:

Example 1: One Parent as the Main Home Base
Imagine you have sole custody, so your kid lives with you during the school year. Your ex gets every other weekend and a month in the summer. You use 2houses co-parenting app to share updates about school or doctor appointments. Since everything’s written down, there’s no confusion, and your kid feels secure knowing what’s coming next.

Example 2: Shared Custody, No Plan, Big Mess
Picture both parents splitting time equally, but there’s no clear plan. You’re arguing over who gets Thanksgiving or when to pick up the kid. Your kid feels caught in the middle, and everyone’s stressed. A parenting plan could’ve saved you all that headache by setting clear rules.

Example 3: A Plan That Works for Everyone
Say you both want joint custody, but your jobs have crazy hours. You create a parenting plan that’s flexible—maybe your kid spends weekdays with you and weekends with your ex, but you adjust for work trips or soccer games. You talk regularly and keep things friendly, so your kid feels loved and supported no matter where they are.

Tips to Make It Work

Here’s how to nail your custody setup:

  • Get Help if You Need It: If you and your ex can’t agree, a family counselor or mediator can help you figure out a plan that puts your kid first.
  • Keep Things Stable: Stick to the same school, bedtime, or activity schedule as much as possible. Kids love predictability.
  • Plan for the Future: Pick a setup that can grow with your kid. A toddler’s needs are different from a teen’s, so be ready to tweak things as they get older.
  • Talk Nicely: Always use 2houses apps or shared calendars to keep communication clear and drama-free. Treat your ex like a coworker—polite but focused on the job (your kid!).

Finally,

There’s no perfect answer for every family when it comes to custody and parenting plans. It’s all about what works for your kid and your situation. Focus on keeping your kid safe, happy, and loved, and build a plan that’s clear and flexible. You’ve got this—take it one step at a time, and you’ll find a setup that keeps your kid smiling.

Playful Ways to Discuss Mental Health with Children During Co-Parenting

Between juggling calendars, tackling tough talks, and doing your best to keep life steady for your little one, co-parenting can feel like a high-wire act. But hidden in the chaos is a powerful opportunity—a chance to become a united front for your child’s mental and emotional well-being. When parenting happens across two homes, play can become your secret superpower. 

In this guide, we’ll explore playful, age-appropriate ways to talk about mental health with your child—helping them name big emotions, feel truly seen, and grow up feeling secure in both homes. 

Ready to turn connection into a daily practice? Let’s get started.

Why Co-Parenting Sets the Stage for Mental Health?

Co-parenting is like a dance—you and your ex-partner move together, not for each other, but for your child. It’s about building trust, keeping communication open, and putting your kid’s needs first, even when old wounds or new frustrations creep in. When you nail this teamwork, you create a stable, predictable world that’s like a warm hug for your child’s heart.

Kids are tough, no doubt, but a rocky co-parenting dynamic can shake even the strongest little spirits. Research shows that kids thrive when parents work together peacefully, but ongoing conflict can spark anxiety, depression, or trouble with friends. The first couple of years after a split can be especially tough—younger kids might struggle with two homes, school-agers may blame themselves, and teens might act out with risky behaviors. The good news? You can soften these challenges by keeping things consistent and supportive across both homes. Think of it as building a bridge of love and stability that your child can cross with confidence.

Play: Your Secret Weapon for Connection

Kids don’t always have the words to say, “I’m stressed about this divorce stuff.” That’s where play comes in—it’s their natural language! Whether they’re building a Lego castle or acting out a story with puppets, play lets kids express big emotions in a safe, fun way. It’s like a window into their world, helping you spot what’s on their mind and giving them a sense of control when life feels wobbly.

Play isn’t just fun—it’s powerful. It helps kids process feelings, build resilience, and practice social skills like sharing or compromising. 

Plus, when you join in, it strengthens your bond and reduces stress for both of you. Imagine the giggles during a silly game of emotion charades or the quiet moments when your child opens up while drawing a “feelings monster.” These are the moments that build trust and emotional security.

Age-Specific Playful Strategies to Spark Conversations

Every kid is unique, and so is the way they process emotions. Here’s how to use play to connect with your child, tailored to their developmental stage, with activities that feel natural and engaging.

Toddlers & Preschoolers (Ages 2-5): Exploring Big Feelings Through Fun

Little ones live in a world of senses and simple words. They might not say, “I’m sad,” but they’ll show it through a grumpy face or a clingy hug. Sensory, interactive play is your go-to here—think messy art projects or silly puppet shows. These activities let them explore emotions without needing big words.

Playful Activities for Toddlers & Preschoolers:

  • Feelings Bingo: Make a bingo board with smiley, frowny, or angry face stickers. Call out an emotion, and let your kiddo mark it. It’s a fun way to name feelings and grow their emotional vocab.
  • Puppet Playtime: Grab some puppets and act out a story where one puppet feels sad or mad. Ask your child what the puppet might do to feel better—it’s a gentle way to talk about emotions.
  • Food Faces: At snack time, use fruit slices or crackers to make happy, sad, or silly faces on a plate. Chat about what makes them feel those ways while you munch.
  • Mirror Magic: Stand in front of a mirror and make faces together—happy, grumpy, surprised. Name the feelings as you go, and watch your child light up as they mimic you.

These activities are like planting seeds—your toddler starts to understand their emotions in a safe, playful way, setting the stage for deeper talks later.

Early School-Aged Kids (Ages 6-9): Diving Into Complex Emotions

Kids this age are starting to think more deeply and can Garden their own “feeling monsters.”  They’re ready for imaginative, story-based play that lets them explore complex emotions and build coping skills.

Playful Activities for Early School-Aged Kids:

  • Emotion Dice: Create a dice with faces showing different emotions. Roll it, and ask your child to share a time they felt that way. It sparks storytelling and connection.
  • Story Circle: Take turns adding to a story, tossing in “what if” moments like, “What if the character felt scared?” It encourages kids to talk about feelings through the story.
  • Feelings Collage: Cut out magazine pictures of people showing emotions. Let your child create a collage and talk about why they chose each image.
  • Puppet Problems: Use a stuffed animal with a “problem” (like a lost toy). Your child can help solve it through play, practicing problem-solving skills.

These activities help kids name and process emotions while having fun, making tough topics feel approachable.

Tweens & Pre-Teens (Ages 10-12): Building Resilience and Self-Awareness

Tweens are starting to think abstractly and crave independence. They need activities that encourage reflection and empathy while still feeling playful and engaging.

Playful Activities for Tweens & Pre-Teens:

  • Mood Meter: Use a chart with high/low energy and pleasant/unpleasant feelings. Have your tween mark their mood and talk about what’s going on.
  • Would You Rather?: Ask fun or thought-provoking questions like, “Would you rather feel angry or sad?” Discuss their choices to dig into emotions.
  • Guided Journaling: Offer prompts like, “What’s one thing that made you smile today?” or “What’s a tough moment you got through?” It encourages self-reflection.
  • Role-Play Scenarios: Act out situations like a friend being upset or a family argument. It helps them practice empathy and problem-solving in a safe space.

These games foster deeper conversations, helping tweens build resilience and feel understood.

Co-Parenting Like a Pro: Communication Tips for a United Front

Great co-parenting is like running a business with your ex—focus on the mission (your child’s happiness) and keep personal drama out of it. Use “I” statements like, “I feel we could coordinate better on homework,” instead of “You never help.” Stay calm, listen actively, and restate what you heard to avoid misunderstandings. Our 2houses co-parenting apps  can keep things organized with shared calendars and message logs, reducing conflict and keeping your child out of the middle.

Avoid pitfalls like venting to your child or badmouthing the other parent—it’s like throwing emotional weight on their little shoulders. Instead, create a safe space where they don’t have to choose sides. If they’re not ready to talk, don’t push—offer a story of your own to show you get it, and let them open up when they’re ready.

When to Call in the Pros

Keep an eye out for signs your child might need extra help: persistent sadness, regression (like bedwetting), withdrawal, or sudden changes in eating or school performance. These aren’t just “phases”—they’re cries for help. A child therapist can be a neutral, safe space for your kid to process feelings without worrying about pleasing you or their other parent. For you, co-parenting counseling can improve communication and set boundaries, while parenting coordination is better for high-conflict situations.

Resources to Light the Way

Books and apps can be lifesavers for kids and parents alike. Here are some of our favorites:

Recommended Books for Children on Emotions & Mental Health

Age GroupBook TitleAuthorPrimary Themes
Toddlers & Preschoolers (2-5)A Little Spot of FeelingsDiane AlberIntroduces various emotions and helps children identify them.

Grumpy MonkeySuzanne LangExplores sadness, friendship, and the acceptance of feelings.

The Color MonsterAnna LlenasDescribes feelings through color, aiding emotional identification and expression.

The Feelings BookTodd ParrSimple, direct exploration of a wide range of emotions.

How Do you Feel?Annie KublerSimple questions and illustrations to prompt emotional discussion.

I Feel! A Book of EmotionsJuana MedinaIntroduces basic emotions through engaging illustrations.

Happy Hippo, Angry Duck: A Book of MoodsSandra BoyntonExplores different moods in a playful, relatable way.

I Calm Down/Yo Me CalmoCheri J. MeinersTeaches calming strategies for strong emotions.
Early School-Aged Children (6-9)The Rabbit ListenedCori DoerrfeldTeaches empathy and the importance of a listening ear in times of distress.

Noodle & LouLiz Garton ScanlonExplores sadness, friendship, and positivity through an unlikely pair.

Brave As Can Be: A Book of CourageJo WitekHelps children put fears and anxieties into perspective, inspiring confidence.

Moody Cow MeditatesKerry Lee MacLeanIntroduces mindfulness and meditation for processing negative emotions.

Scaredy Squirrel seriesMélanie WattHelps children cope with fears and anxiety about the unknown.

Dinosaurs DivorceMarc BrownCovers topics like why parents divorce, living with a single parent, and having two homes.

Draw It OutSteffanie Lorig & Rosalie FrankelTherapeutic activity book for expressing feelings through art.

The Goodbye BookTodd ParrExplores emotions related to loss and ends on a hopeful note about remembering happy times.
Tweens & Teens (10-18)Weird!, Dare!, Tough!Erin FrankelAddresses bullying from multiple perspectives; themes of self-esteem, confidence, empathy.

The Self-Compassion Workbook for TeensKaren BluthHelps teens learn self-kindness and embrace their identity.

Anxiety Relief for TeensRegine GalantiStrategies based on CBT and mindfulness to cope with anxiety and stress.

The Teen Girl’s Survival GuideLucie HemmenGuides girls through making friends, avoiding drama, and coping with social stress.

Just Between UsMeredith, Sofie & Jules JacobsShared journals with prompts to strengthen family bonds.

Creative Coping Skills for Teens and TweensBonnie ThomasTools for physical and mental health: arts & crafts, nutrition, mindfulness, yoga.

Surviving the Emotional Roller CoasterSheri Van DijkStrategies based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for managing emotional highs/lows.

Mindfulness for Teen AnxietyChristopher WillardWorkbook for overcoming anxiety symptoms (panic attacks, worry, isolation).

The Invisible StringPatrice KarstHeartwarming story about connection, helpful for grief, separation anxiety, and divorce.

Recommended Apps for Mental Health:

App NamePrimary Benefits
Headspace for KidsIntroduces mindfulness and well-being activities, meditation, emotional expression, optimism building.
Breath, Think, Do with SesameHelps your children deal with stressful situations, teaches calming techniques like breathing and mindfulness. Includes parental resources.
Calm for KidsGuided practices for relaxation, soothing bedtime stories, nature scenes, gratitude-focused meditations.
Chill PandaIncorporates games with mindfulness and relaxation, helps children work through difficult situations, reduces anxiety.
Stop, Breathe, and Think KidsGuided meditation and emotional conflict “missions” for ages 5-10. Explores feelings, finds ways to talk about emotions, deals with stress.
Positive PenguinsTeaches children about emotions with an optimistic penguin avatar, helps change mindsets for positivity.
MoodpathTracks mood, asks mental health-focused questions for nuanced well-being picture, aids therapists.
EmotionaryHelps children understand feelings daily with user-friendly interface and simple prompts, builds user profile for therapists.
MentalUPBrain training games, IQ tests, fun activities for ages 4-13. Improves attention, focus, memory, problem-solving, and includes fitness exercises.

Finally, Co-parenting isn’t about the split—it’s about how you move forward together. By using play to connect, keeping communication respectful, and staying consistent, you’re building a world where your child feels safe and loved. Every silly game, every quiet chat, every moment of teamwork is a brick in the foundation of their emotional security. If things get tough, don’t hesitate to seek professional help—it’s a sign of strength, not weakness. 

You’ve got this, and your child is lucky to have you in their corner.